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“Oh my god! Did you just see the Kim Minji ?”
“We don’t deserve her!”
“How did Hanni even pull her???”
Footsteps echo around the halls, murmurs spread like the fresh breeze on a field of grass, and Pham Hanni drowns in the sound. She can’t stop thinking about it. Their words, how they pierce through her heart. She knows doesn’t deserve Kim Minji, she really doesn’t. And as she feels her glasses slide down her nose bridge, she knows why. They’re just so… different.
“Good morning, HanHan!” She feels an arm on her shoulder, that tone of voice as familiar as ever.
She looks up, and it’s her pretty girl. Long, smooth hair flowing down her cheer uniform, her tall stature, and that mercilessly sweet smile that she fell for. When she looks down at her hands, the ones gripped on her clarinet, her marching band hat slipping down, she forgets that they’re together; because she can’t even believe Kim Minji would choose her over anyone else. Was it luck? Was it fate? Or is she blurred by smoke and mirrors? She needs to know, because Pham Hanni didn’t like living under a facade, especially when everyone else was watching.
“Hanni-ah, have you ever considered getting a smaller hat? Your current one looks a little big-“ Minji reaches for the hat, but Hanni adjusts it well on her own.
“The band ran out of extra hats, Minji. Besides, I’ll grow into it soon,” she sighs, her head whipping around in the opposite direction. ”See you later, we both have practice, don’t we?”
Band practice, cheerleading. Different, difference, difference. Hanni hears her own thoughts louder than usual, and she hates it more than anything. Her mind, unfortunately, perceives all in the most pessimistic way possible. Every thought she thinks is accompanied by a little voice in her head, the repetitive chiming, the devil’s advocate to every move she makes. She feels like she’s walking on eggshells, and she just wants it to stop . She hates it. She hates the thought of her being Kim Minji’s temporary eye candy, her ephemera. She wants to believe she’s more than that, that Minji can think more of her. But she can’t. For starters, it was just so sudden when she asked her out.
It was a hazy afternoon when it happened, Hanni strolling the hallways after a test she aced. She had quite a heap on her mind, whether that one question was a typographical error, or how she was going to script out her coffee order later. Just then, a screaming outburst makes her ears ring, and that was when she first met Kim Minji.
“Yah! Kang Haerin! Get back over here!” Her screeching was accompanied by one of her classmates dashing through the lacking stream of students, the usual sighs streaming in. It was usual for them to go through the cat-and-mouse chase, but it was an unusual voice she heard, unlike Danielle or Hyein’s.
Hanni, out of a habitual sort, took a step back. She’s used to making way for others to run, especially under the wrath of chaotic inhabitants in her school. She stared with a callously unbothered expression, but that waned when Kim Minji stood before her.
“You! I haven’t seen your face, like ever before. What’s your name?” She adjusted Hanni’s glasses, taking it off for another glimpse.
Oh.
“Hanni. Pham Hanni, Bb clarinettist from our school’s marching band,” she reached her hand out for her glasses, but returned with a handshake instead.
“You look prettier without these, did you know that? They clutter your face a lot, and you don’t deserve that, Miss Han,” Minji smiled, that goofy, loving smile. “Let’s go out together sometime, just you and I?”
oh .
And with that, Pham Hanni fell right into Kim Minji.
She really doesn’t want to think she’s been led on this whole time- believe her, she’s tried- but fate and ‘facts’ stand against her. Out of all the people who scout for her, all the boys who scatter and court, she chooses… her ? No way. There must’ve been some sort of reason, and Kim Minji loving her surely wasn’t one of them.
Bang! The sound of a gong knocks her back into reality.
“Oi, Hanni Pham! You missed your solo,” Danielle’s voice echoes, a fitting tribute as a percussionist. She smirks, playfully raising her stick against Minji’s head.
“Shit,” her fingers clack around the keys, praying she doesn’t click on an accidental flat or sharp. She glances swiftly, away from her music score and to the sharp eyes around her.
“Sorry,” is the only word she can say before fixing up her embouchure, her teeth gnawing on the mouthpiece so she doesn’t say anything stupid. She clicks her tongue, then plays again. And her very first note…
squeak s .
She slides her clarinet into its stand, a not-so-satisfying tap as it lands in, its supporting legs ricocheting against the wooden tiles.
“Sorry, could I just wash up? I’m just a little tired,” she heads for the door at the vague approval of the conductor.
By the door, she spots her Kim. Though interlocking her arms isn’t her own, but ones of another. They laugh and they smile, and a bubbling rage bubbles in Hanni. It’s weird, she isn’t normally this envious. It could be the accompanying, pitchy voice around the arms of her lover, maybe that won’t let her be calm.
“Eh, Hanni-ssi? There you are! Is your practice over already?” She grins, though the latter perceives it as a smug, pathetic excuse to be glad she’s in another woman’s arms.
Her fingers retract into a fist, her nails digging into her skin. Hiding behind a wince, she doesn’t have it in her to confront Kim Minji. She couldn’t possibly confront the girl who’s made her so happy these past few months. And she couldn’t possibly be mad at her, no. She was mad at herself. The idea that she was mad at her made her heart race, and it wasn’t racing between her breaths while she parted from a kiss, no. Her heart races and it aches, knowing that her one and only Kim Minji could leave her.
So not a word escapes Pham Hanni’s lips as she runs for the restroom. Just an icy stare; though just like ice, Kim Minji catches a glimpse of her tears, her stoic glance melting away. She wants to help. She really does. With a whiff of flowers and vanilla, she recognises her girlfriend’s lingering perfume. Admittedly, she’d do anything to be in her arms again.
So as she’s left in the silence, Kim Minji just wants to know what she did wrong.
Her fingers arch against the end of the sink, her back looming over the constant pour. Her head stoops low, far from facing her reflection. No, no way. She’d rather stare directly at the sun, to burn off her sense of vision than to even look at her ashamed visage in the mirror. Besides, she figures they’d have the same effect anyway. She scoops some water into her hand and splashes water onto her face, yet that weird, oddly burning sensation can’t seem to leave. It’s the heat in her cheeks that the cold water can’t cool, that her heart simply can’t ignore. She can’t breathe… freely. It’s a burden, a weight on her chest that won’t let her be . And she knows all too well that the burden may be (is) the sheer plausibility of leaving Kim Minji.
Her.
Of all people.
Out of all the people who passed her by.
Out of all the people who left her to rust, Kim Minji picked her from the sand.
“Fuck, Minji.”
“What’s up with your girlfriend? Is she alright?” Her startled junior, Hyein, relaxes her grasp.
”I need to check up on her. I think- I think I did something wrong, shit. Why don’t you head back to cheer for a bit, hm? I’ll catch up with you,” Minji utters, her tone calm and collected while she doesn’t break a sweat.
“Sounds good! Thanks for bringing me to the sick bay earlier by the way,” once she finally parts ways with her junior, Minji returns to her naturally panicked instincts. Sprinting to the toilet, she barges in, knocking on every stall door until she hears her girlfriend’s voice. Even just a fragment of a squeak is enough for her to recognise the girl that makes her feel out of this world.
“HanHan?” She speaks like it's a question, because she wants an answer.
She sinks back into the quiet, waiting patiently as she faces herself in the mirror. Her own eyes are losing their shine. Her cheerleading was getting rusty. Tripping and falling, but not for (her) Pham Hanni.
“Hanni,” she clears her throat, toning it more formally.
She leans against the door, calling one last time.
“Hanni- Pham Hanni. I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I don’t know what’s wrong, but I want to help you. I want you to be happy, you don’t deserve to be in such a space, and I hate that we’re apart. Please, tell me how I can help you, my love? ”
And though a part of her just wants to kick the door down, breaking apart the (figurative and physical) wall between them, she simply waits, her breath hitching as she holds back a desperate cry.
“It- It’s not your fault, Min,” Hanni too, wants to be right by her side again. “I just- I don’t think we were made for each other. You’re so different from me, and I feel ashamed standing right by you because I hear their voices. They- they hate us together, and I know they’ll do all they can to keep us apart. I don’t want you to be hurt because of me. I want you to be happy. And if you being happy means- means being away from me, I’d much like to live in misery. ”
“But what if being with you makes me happy, Pham Hanni? You’re the most beautiful, talented, and outright amazing girl I’ve ever met. Who cares what they think? I know I’ve had my history, but you are more than the girls I’ve loved before. I am my best when I’m with you, and if they can’t see that, screw them. Please, Han, believe me. I want to spend the rest of my waking days by your side, no matter what turbulence we face. Pham Hanni, you will never be my ephemera .”
Her was all she wanted. But her ; was she going to get?
The stall door finally creaks open, and there stands her Pham Hanni. Her tied blonde hair, tears running down her cheeks, and yet she still looks as beautiful as ever.
“Hanni…”
Her fingers brush the blonde’s hair behind her ears, leaving her filled with fluster. Into each other’s eyes, they won’t hold back their passion, their flame that will never go unlit no matter how persistent the wind is. With her cheeks in hand, Minji tilts her head up to face her own, reaching in to plant her lips on her forehead. Hanni feels the heat of the moment, knowing the heat in her cheeks will only grow stronger. When the Kim pulls herself away for air, a broad smile forms across her face as she notices her lipstick stains. She knows this isn’t to symbolise Pham Hanni being of her possession, but as a show to others that she really, really loves her.
“Hanni-ah. I promise you this,
I’ll always look out for you.”