Archive of Our Own

TW: Sexual assault and anxiety

A sexual assault is a little described, and if you are not feeling good with this type of thing, you can skip this scene as I put two hashtags (##) at the beginning instead of the usual one. Plus, there is a brief summary of the scene (without details) in the notes at the end.

If you are a victim of sexual assault, I would like to inform you I wrote about it not to mock it or use it for malicious things but because I find it important to show people who grow up and move forward even if they experienced some traumas.

Park Sunghoon discovered he was in fact bisexual at the age of 20.

It went like this:

After some serious discussions with his parents, mainly his mother, since his father couldn’t talk to an eternal disappointment like him – his words not Sunghoon’s – they concluded that Sunghoon should move on.

In the literal term. He should pack his things and live on his own.

And since his mother felt generous, as a payment for all the traumas she gave him and also because they were very rich, she proposed to pay his rent, which Sunghoon directly accepted and everything was finally going to be fine.

But there was still a shadow in the making, a thing Sunghoon couldn’t forget.

He hated solitude.

It was a feeling that was eating him whole. He couldn’t stand being alone. Why would he choose to be alone when his thoughts were purely negative?

No, Sunghoon couldn’t be alone, not again, not yet. There were still far too many things that could not be healed, and he needed time. A lot of time.

And even if his mother had been rude to him since the incident, she knew her son better than anyone.

So, she found the perfect compromise: Sunghoon would have roommates. After searching for the best house-share, his mother called two boys from the same school who were looking for a plus one to help them pay for their apartment.

And that was how, in his third year at Decelis, Sunghoon finally met his first two friends: Park Jongseong and Sim Jaeyun.

Yeah, that was also how he discovered he was bisexual.

Park Jongseong was, at first sight, scary, but Sunghoon learned quickly that it was only a front. Jay–it was his American name–was the sweetest human being. He loved to cook, write, and even loved cats, even if he was allergic to them, much to his chagrin.

On the contrary, Sim Jaeyun, aka Jake, looked like a sweetheart but was the biggest mischievous guy on the planet earth.

Sunghoon could swear he could do the stupid TikTok trend “looks like a cinnamon roll could kill you, looks like they could kill is a cinnamon roll” with them both and got 11 million views easily.

But Sim Jaeyun was also a sexy Australian guy, an athlete, very sexy, funny, sexy, clever, and sexy. Did Sunghoon say he was sexy?

Hum. Yeah. Jake was Sunghoon’s bisexual awakening.

How could he resist? Jake loved to walk shirtless in their apartment, talking as if it was nothing, as if he didn’t have the prettiest abs, and as if Sunghoon was fucking straight.

Maybe he hadn’t told them, but he didn’t even know he wasn’t until a few months ago.

Thanks to Jake, Sunghoon learned two things: first, maybe men deserved some rights. Second, he wanted to fuck him so badly (or be fucked. He didn’t care, actually; he wanted to know what it felt like.)

Against all expectations, Sunghoon didn’t have much experience. He had a pretty face and a nice body, but sometimes it wasn’t enough. He was also frigid–even if it wasn’t actually his fault; you know traumas–but like all 20-year-old men, he craved someone else’s touch; he wanted to be loved and admired; he wanted what he couldn’t have all his life, what his parents failed to do.

So he thought the best option was to get in his roommate's pants–best or worst depending on the mood– but Sunghoon was attracted to him and it was the only way of fulfilling his demand. He had to sleep with him before becoming very close to him. Before they only became friends. Because Sunghoon couldn’t sleep with people he had no connection with. But if he could get Jake, maybe it would be an anecdote in the future to which both of them would laugh. Or maybe Jake will fall in love with him and they will live happily ever after.

It didn't matter which one of the two options came to pass, Sunghoon just wanted to have a good time.

The opportunity to talk about it came sooner than expected when Jake came to him while he was scrolling on his phone, sitting on the sofa.

“Man, I want to get railed.”

Sunghoon blinked one time, then two. He almost pinched his arm to see if all of this was real.

Okay, so Jake was a bottom? Some images of him on top of Jake appeared in his brain and Sunghoon did everything to eliminate them.

“Me too,” he responded, feeling his throat becoming dry, this is your chance idiot “I need dicks.” He added.

Jake raised his brows, and Sunghoon was as lost as he was. Why didn’t he just shut his mouth? He was a loser.

“Man, I didn’t know you were gay, but welcome in the family, I guess.”

It’s because of you, he wanted to say, but he didn’t want to freak him out. Instead, he just said, “In fact, I think I am bisexual.”

Jake seemed content and Sunghoon didn’t know why, maybe he wanted to sleep with him as well. Things could be even easier than expected.

“I am too,” He raised his hand as if they were some AA members, “and Jay is pansexual, we are a bunch of gays dude.”

Jake chuckled and called Jay for him to hear the great news. The latter came with a toothbrush set in his mouth and a puzzled look. Sunghoon had probably the same face, not understanding Jake’s sudden interest in his sexuality.

“Jay, Sunghoon is bisexual you know what it means.”

But Jay didn’t seem like he knew what it meant at all, being careful to continue his tooth brushing he waited for Jake to develop. His best friend rolled his eyes in exasperation.

“You don’t have a good memory at all. I’m talking about the bet you dumb.”

“Oh!” Jay finally answered, “I had completely forgotten about it.”

“Yeah. Of course when you have to give me the money you always forget.”

Finally, Jay went to the bathroom to rinse his mouth, passed to his room, and came back with some bills he gave to Jake.

“It is all there,” Jake said after counting the cash, “thanks for the transaction, Mr. Park. It’s always a pleasure to work with you.”

“It was the last time.”

Jay took place on his side of the sofa and Sunghoon suddenly understood all that happened in front of his very own eyes.

“Did you bet on my sexuality?’”

Sunghoon burned with curiosity. He already knew the answer–the scene he had witnessed was enough– but he wanted to learn it from them and especially from Jake.

Why would Jake bet on his sexuality? For one of the first times in his life, maybe someone else was feeling the same attraction. He didn’t need to look in the mirror to know his ears were probably red from his excitement.

“Yeah.” Jay finally answered. “It was Jake’s idea, by the way.”

Sunghoon turned his gaze in his direction, looking at him fiercely while he was waiting for the man to answer.

Damn, he wanted to kiss his mouth so badly. Could Jay just get out? Sunghoon could bet Jake felt the same. Otherwise, why would he want to know if he was gay?

Jake’s lips were calling him and he wanted to meet them as soon as possible. He shook his legs, waiting for Jake’s answer, waiting for the green light, the “I wanted to know if you were gay because I like you” sentence that was probably rolling on Jake’s tongue.

Sunghoon was impatient, but good things come to those who wait.

“You know it’s a pretty funny story,” Jake started, looking directly at Sunghoon. “I was kissing Heeseung and…”

Oh fuck, he completely forgot about Lee Heeseung.

But nobody could forget Lee Heeseung, even if they tried.

Sunghoon stopped listening to Jake’s answer, as far as he knew him it would probably sound like this: “Oh my God I was kissing Heeseung because you know Heeseung is the best kisser in the world then we fucked, and oh my God his skin fits perfectly on mine and Blah blah blah.”

Enough.

Lee Heeseung was probably the most popular guy at Decelis, thanks to his music. He was Jay’s best friend from high school, and for obscure reasons that Jay didn’t want to explain, they got away from each other until one year ago–from what Jake had told him–when Heeseung and Jay started talking again. Jake had a crush on the guy and jumped on the occasion–and his pants–and they were now friends with benefits.

To Sunghoon’s great misfortune.

“So yeah,” Jake finally ended even though Sunghoon didn’t follow up on his explanation, “Heeseung thought you were gay, so I took the opportunity to take Jay’s money.”

Jake laughed, soon followed by Jay. Sunghoon faked a laugh, not wanting to feel left out even if the only thing he wanted to do was run to his room and cry on his bed.

“So, speaking of Heeseung…”

As if you don’t talk about his ass all day long.

“He invited us to a party tonight to celebrate the new school year. Are you in? There will be a lot of people, you could meet someone!”

He didn’t know if the suggestion was addressed to him or Jay, but the latter didn’t seem to enjoy the idea and it wasn’t surprising. Jay loved to stay at their dorms all day long to do God knew what, it was sure it wasn’t his homework he was doing because of the bad mark he had the last week, Sunghoon remembered the livid face he had this day: priceless.

“Sorry I’m tired today, but I’m sure Sunghoon will love to join you.”

That bitch.

He was throwing him under the bus, letting him go alone with Jake and Heeseung. For sure Sunghoon wanted to go to the party but the fanciful night he had imagined could never be real: he wanted to dance with Jake, to kiss him against the wall with his hands placed dangerously on his waist waiting for him to make the first move, guiding him to the nearest room. But none of this could be real. Heeseung’s presence was the last thing he wanted–no offense to the guy, he was pretty nice, which made things harder.

Sunghoon was going to refuse to go into his room and listen to the sad gay songs he had on his “on loop” Spotify playlist, but Jake’s gaze was so pleading, so imploring, he wanted him to come and Sunghoon couldn’t say no to him, not when he was so charming, an ounce of hope in his eyes.

What he wouldn't do for pretty boys.

And that was how he found himself one hour and a half later at a party with his crush and his crush’s hookup. The situation was as messy as Sunghoon’s life, but he knew he would handle it as he always did. He was strong, and he had it worse in his life.

Sunghoon wasn’t an “I believe in soulmates” type of guy and he never would be. He loved with all his heart, with all the sincerity he could have, but when it was over and there was no turning back, he simply let the person go. Sometimes you couldn’t keep people by your side, they needed to live on their own.

So, if Jake wasn’t the one for him, then he’ll find someone else.

Someone who will love him as much as he did.

Quickly, Jake and Heeseung left him to go to a room upstairs and Sunghoon felt alone in the lounge. He could no longer feel the air in his lungs, as if everything was tightening with each breath he took, and he tried his best to make his way through the tide of people. They were mostly dancing, and the smell of their sweat and alcohol rose to his nose. He needed air. He continued on his way, bumping into people as he apologized. Right now, he needed it.

Keep that in mind: Sunghoon hated solitude. He avoided it the most.

Sunghoon finally reached the center of the room, which was strangely the emptiest part of the living room, as if people had only come here to make out in the corners instead of dancing. While he was catching his breath and trying his best to calm the anguish that was slowly rising in his throat, he felt a hand touch his arm and heard a voice directly following this gesture.

“Are you okay?”

The voice was deliciously attractive, and he wondered if it was just the effect of the alcohol. But Sunghoon turned to his interlocutor, and he remained speechless.

It wasn't just the voice that was attractive, the guy in front of him was as well. He had the prettiest face Sunghoon had ever seen in his entire life, like he was Aphrodite’s son. He looked cute but at the same time, dangerously hot. Plus, his eyes had a sweet color as honey and his smile was so big and reassuring (that) the party did not seem as bad as before.

This man could ask Sunghoon to get on his knees and he would probably do it in a minute.

“Are you okay?” he asked again and his bisexual ass felt his legs become jelly.

“Yeah, yeah.” His gaze went to his pink hair. It seemed so fluffy. "Thank you. I think I just drank too much.”

“Be careful next time.” He added, and Sunghoon thought he was going to leave him for good.

But as the guy bent down slowly to him, Sunghoon could feel his warm breath in the hollow of his ear. He did not have any control over his body and instead let the guy approach him to break the distance they had. He was no longer thinking about Jake and Heeseung, or the fact that he was alone in the middle of a room.

Just this moment mattered.

“My name is Kim Sunoo. Nice to meet you.”

And without waiting for Sunghoon to answer, Kim Sunoo winked and ventured into the pile of people as if he knew Sunghoon couldn’t follow him.

Stunned, he stood still for a few minutes, replaying the scene in his head. Had he been dreaming?

Fuck, that was hot.

From now, he will always follow Jake to any parties if it was the price to see Kim Sunoo again.

“Kim Sunoo,” he murmured, but nobody was there to answer him. He would see him again. It was a promise.

And Park Sunghoon always kept his promises.

#

Sunghoon was what you could call a child star.

He was famous for his ice-skating skills, acclaimed in the world, and admired by most of his teammates.

But most importantly, everyone envied him.

Saying he wasn’t content to see the burning desire in the eyes of the others would be a lie; Sunghoon loved to be loved. He loved their curiosity, loved how they tried to put him down each time they could, but nobody could ever break him apart: he was solid as a rock and prepared for anything that could happen.

So, it wasn’t a surprise when his coach proposed to do the Olympics. It had always been his dream and the purpose of his life.

Why would he be content with the bare minimum when he could be the best of the best?

Park Sunghoon was a star ready to shine to the whole world, sharing his capacities and his obstinacy. He left his coach’s office with a smile on his face, saying to everyone he passed by that he was going to the Olympics, representing his country with pride. At 18 years old, Sunghoon was talented, loved and naïve.

Unfortunately, no one could have predicted what would happen.

Not even him.

#

Kim Sunoo. Kim Sunoo. Kim Sunoo.

The images from yesterday's party haunted him while he tried to overcome his horrible hangover.

He thought that eventually, everything was a dream, that maybe he didn’t meet him last night, but Sunghoon recalled the breath in his ear while he whispered his name, and the endearing smile on his face.

It was not a dream and, more than anything, he wanted to see him again.

Forgetting about Jake and the stupid crush he had, Sunghoon’s thoughts were only focused on Sunoo and his pretty face.

But Jake, who was having a hard time on the sofa beside him, whining and complaining about his headache, disturbed Sunghoon and his current obsession.

“Dude, are you okay?” he dared to ask, offering one of the glasses of water on the coffee table.

“Yeah, don’t worry,” he took the glass, murmuring a little thanks before drinking it, “It’s just that I blacked out yesterday just after Heeseung fucked the hell out of me in the bathroom.”

“Ew, sorry but we don’t want the details,” Jay responded and Sunghoon didn’t even see him entering the room. He had his two hands filled with glasses containing the weirdest mixture he had ever seen.

“What is this?” he asked when Jay put them on the table, the latter pointed to one of the glasses and then said, “Never in my life would I drink this shit.”

“You don’t have a choice. Next time, you'll think twice before getting drunk, it’s my miracle concoction.”

The nerve! It was Jay’s fault in the first place Sunghoon had followed Jake. He betrayed him by sacrificing him just for his own confort. If someone was responsible for all of this drama, it was probably him.

Then Jake jumped on the table to grab one of the glasses. He drank it so fast he almost choked, and a grimace quickly replaced his smile.

“It’s so bad I’m going to throw up.”

“You may prefer to suffer all day long.”

Jake remained silent as he tried to digest. Jay took place beside Sunghoon while he nodded his head towards Jake.

“This is exactly the reason why I don’t go to parties, especially with him.”

And Sunghoon understood him. Jake was a mess at each party, even more when Heeseung was there. It was a mix of alcohol, sex, and depravity; the three things that were most unfortunate the next day.

"Anyway, did you find someone to enjoy the party? Knowing Jake, he must have spent his time making out with Heeseung.”

Sunghoon thought about Sunoo and his pink hair, but could he tell them even if they didn’t interact that much?

“Indeed,” he chose to answer. “I bumped into someone just after Jake left me.”

“Man? Woman? Non-binary?”

“Man, I think.”

Jake finally looked at them and, from his facial features, which seemed more relaxed, Sunghoon could tell he was a completely new person. Perhaps Jay’s mixture had worked on him.

“What is his name?” he asked. “Maybe we know him. We can help you find him out.”

Jay nodded happily at Jake’s remark. He didn’t know them for a long time, but Sunghoon was glad his mom had found this apartment. For the first time in a while, he felt at home, at his right place, and not stuck between the walls of his room.

And if he could find, on top of that, a boyfriend, it was the jackpot!

“I didn’t talk with him much, to be honest. He only told me his name.”

“So, he just saw you and told you his name just because you are fucking handsome.” Jay asked. Sunghoon just chuckled for an answer and nodded a little. “God, I wish I could pull anyone like you.” He finished.

“What do you mean, man?” Jake seemed outraged by his words. "You are handsome as fuck. You know if we weren’t besties, I would have already sucked your dick.”

“Bro, shut the fuck up and just try to overcome your stupid headache.”

Jake sighed and rolled his eyes.

“So,” Jay continued, “what is his name?”

“Kim Sunoo.” He murmured like a prayer, “His name is Kim Sunoo.”

He had repeated his name so many times that it seemed so natural, like he had always known Sunoo. But Jay's and Jake’s expressions scared him. They looked at each other in silence. Was he missing something?

“What? Why are you making these faces?”

“Don’t talk to Sunoo. He is a lost cause,” Jake said. “Just find someone else.”

“Do you know him to say something like that?” he asked with curiosity.

If there was one constant thing with Sunghoon, it was that he never backed down from a challenge. No matter what they will tell him if he wanted to get to know him, he would–except if, of course, he was a psychopath; he wasn’t this crazy.

“Yeah, Sunoo is…” Jay marked a sudden pause and then sighed. "He was my friend. He is Jungwon’s best friend.”

“Oh.” Sunghoon simply answered, he didn’t want Jay to detail. He knew how much this part of his life hurt him.

From what it could recall–and actually from what Jake told him– Sunghoon knew that Yang Jungwon had been Jay’s best friend, that he loved him and that they fought because Jungwon was jealous of Jay’s talent for writing while it was his passion.

Jake spent a lot of time cursing at Jungwon, saying he was immature and stupid for reacting this way for a “stupid fanfiction”.

Sunghoon never told him he understood Jungwon. When he used to be an ice skater, he often had this kind of mood swings. He needed to be the best, owning the rink with grace.

Artists were tortured too much.

Also, Jake told him it was about a year since Jay and Jungwon last talked to each other, so Sunghoon could admit the boy was a dick for not trying to reach Jongseong and apologize to him after seeing all the damage he did.

But you couldn’t always hope for people to come back. They had too much pride to be sorry.

“Sunoo is very complicated,” Jay added after a few seconds of silence, as if he was trying to find the right words. His voice showed how much he still cared about the man, and somehow it stung Sunghoon’s heart. Jay was too good for this world.

“He is a kind of…”

“Slut.” Jake shouted, finishing his sentence.

“I was gonna say mess. He is a mess. He isn’t suited for a relationship.”

“But he is also a slut. He sleeps with everyone on the campus. I’m even surprised you didn’t know him before.”

“People are not sluts because they sleep with a lot of people,” Sunghoon answered, starting to get angry at Jake’s remarks.

He hated slut-shaming from all his heart; because we didn’t truly know people and why they did that. Maybe it was his way of coping with some traumas.

Jake sensed Sunghoon’s wrath and raised his arms, showing his innocence.

“I didn’t mean it like that sorry, Sunoo always uses his term to define himself, you know we are friends and I know it’s not an insult for him. It's just that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship.”

Sunghoon tried to come to terms with these pieces of information. So Sunoo would probably only want to sleep with him and frankly Sunghoon wouldn’t say no to him, at least not before knowing the guy. He wanted to have experience and nothing could be better than having sex with someone like him: someone who wasn’t afraid.

“You know, man,” Jake continued, “You could spend a good time with him. He is pretty talented and I talk from experience.”

Then Jake winked, and Sunghoon wanted to throw himself out of the window. Did Sunoo and Jake sleep together? Seeing his perplexed brows as he questioned himself, Jake answered before the words could go out of his mouth.

“We slept together once. I also know Heeseung slept with him too. I think a lot of my friends had slept with him like half of the campus.”

“Except me!” Jay said

“I know you wouldn’t even try Jay, but you would love him, Sunghoon.”

Images of Jake and Sunoo together interrupted his brain, and Sunghoon felt like a pervert. His bisexual awakening and his current obsession together? It was the perfect match. He feared he might be hard if they wouldn’t stop talking about it.

It was the first time Sunghoon felt this attracted to someone. He only met the guy once, but his smile, his pink hair and how he could put his mouth to good use already perverted his thoughts.

Okay, it was too much for his mind. He needed to clear things up. Did Sunoo put a spell on him or something? It wouldn’t even be surprising. He looked like an angel from a mystical world, and he was sure he could use magic.

“Then,” Jay added, “if you truly don’t want to give up on Sunoo and have sex with him, it’s your choice but we warned you. Don’t expect anything from him.”

Jake nodded and hit his shoulder with a mischievous grin on his face. Sunghoon knew he had something in mind. He should actually be wary of the young man.

“We should throw some parties to get a little reputation. Sunoo is attracted to this kind of thing. He’ll show up at one of them and then you could talk to him.”

Jay sighed, glanced at Sunghoon and then talked.

“Jake isn’t wrong, but he just forgets we don’t own a fucking mansion but a little apartment with an enough place for three people and that we also have an annoying concierge who spies on our comings and goings.”

But Sunghoon thought Jake was probably right. He should let Sunoo come to him, poison his whole being, and enter his world. He was the one who came to him yesterday, the one who publicly showed an interest, so he should stay like this.

By the description he had from Jake and Jay, Sunoo seemed very artificial and attracted by bling-bling and pretty things.

And all these terms suited Sunghoon well enough to try to decipher the enigma that Kim Sunoo was.

Sunoo loved parties? Then he would have them.

“Jake is right.” Sunghoon finally said, “We should throw some parties and attract him.”

“Did nobody listen when I said our apartment was too little for this shit?”

“I did Jay.” He smiled. “But we could throw them at my parents’ house.”

Sunghoon had never benefited from his parent's wealth and it seemed like the time had come. Jay and Jake looked at each other, one perplexed and the other too excited.

“Are you sure your parents will accept?” Jay asked, “I don’t want to create a mess in their house and even more if we do it regularly.”

He grinned at his friend’s question. Jay was so considerate. He almost agreed with him.

But Sunghoon had to do it. It was more than a party to see Sunoo. It was about his new life. He left his parent's house to be free, to see the world with his own eyes and forget about all his problems. Making friends, throwing parties and becoming someone important were all he had dreamed of.

And no one could take that away from him, this feeling, this need, especially not his parents.

“Don’t worry, one call and it’s all good.”

Jake jumped with excitement and hugged him while Jay just showed the palms of his hands as a surrender.

He knew his parents would accept.

They owed him so much more.

##

Sunghoon was paralyzed.

Literally, he couldn’t move any of his members, and he could swear he would probably pass out in a few minutes if nobody would open that door.

He tried to breathe in and out, but it was impossible with the incessant beating of his heart as it was clenched in his chest like something rooted in his lungs.

Sunghoon hated this feeling, hated being weak. He was Park Sunghoon, they built him to triumph in some situations like this.

But in the end, even with all the machinations of his parents, and all the conspiracy to shape him into the greatest athlete of them all, Sunghoon was still a human. No more, no less.

So, it was probably normal to feel like this when his career was at stake.

Sunghoon was still paralyzed in front of Lee Hanbit’s door.

Lee Hanbit was the coach of the Olympics team and potentially his future coach if the interview went well.

He could touch his goal with the palm of his hand. He could probably reach it soon if all went well.

And what if she hated him? Hated his attitude? What if Sunghoon stuttered? Or even worse, what if she thought he sucked at skating?

He tried to eliminate every inch of his mind fucking thoughts. He had to control himself because if he didn’t do it, then nobody could save him.

Sunghoon was alone on the rink. He was alone at home, and he was still alone in this kind of situation.

He had to come to terms with this way of thinking.

A few seconds after his eternal mental monologue, the door opened and the first thing he saw was the pleasing smile of the coach.

“Hello Sunghoon, it’s nice to meet you. Please come in and take a seat.”

Her voice was sweet and nice, and that was all he needed to regain some confidence. Slowly, he came into the room, paying attention to the walls of the office, filled with posters of the greatest Korean athletes. Sunghoon dreamed of being part of these legends and he was there for this, after all.

The room was comforting and Sunghoon relaxed more easily. As requested, he took a seat to the opposite of her just after she sat down and they stared at each other for a few seconds. He could feel her curious gaze upon him. She analyzed him in all the ways possible. He wanted the meeting to end quickly. He couldn’t stay vulnerable, not in front of her, not when his destiny was tied to her hands.

“So Sunghoon,” she finally said and he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “I can’t wait to work with you. I’ve been wanting to talk to you for a moment.”

“Thank you very much” He slowly bowed his head to show all his respect.

Coach Lee Hanbit had trained the best of the best. She didn’t fear anybody and had made a name for herself.

“No need to thank me Sunghoon, you are the only one responsible for your talent and progress; if you have this opportunity today, it’s thanks to your tireless efforts ”

It was the first time someone acknowledged his talent. She was not thanking his parents or anybody else but him and him only. Somehow, it burned his stomach with happiness.

Sunghoon smiled at her like he had never done it before. His goal was near, and he will show his talent to the world.

“I’m not gonna ask you any questions. I already know you, I did my research and even if I did not, you are already known enough for me to know the basics about you.” She marked a pause and then locked her eyes with him. “Are you ready to do anything to join the team?”

Something happened in her gaze, something Sunghoon couldn’t describe, a part of darkness that was quickly replaced by the happiness he had noticed.

“Yeah, I would do anything in my power to do the Olympics.” His answer was fast and frank. He couldn’t go back, not anymore. His parents even asked him what he wanted to do–for the first time in his life. They asked him to choose between Decelis, a future college life or the Olympics and being a professional ice skater. Sunghoon chose to fulfill his dream. He will become a professional athlete.

“Perfect.”

She stood up and walked in his direction. He didn’t understand what he was supposed to do. Should he stand up as well to shake hands?

But as soon as she reached him, she placed both of her hands on his arms, blocking his ability to move.

Sunghoon raised his eyebrows in her direction as if he were indirectly asking what she was doing, but she didn’t answer, even if she understood his questioning look.

She locked their eyes and the darkness of her eyes came back again in a flash and for the first time in a while, Sunghoon didn’t feel safe at all.

He was paralyzed again.

“Are you really willing to do anything?” He didn’t know if he should nod because in a way it was true, but the tone she used wasn’t as pleasing as before. It was like she was a completely different person and it scared him. “You are so naïve, Sunghoon. It’s perfect. You are perfect for me.”

He tried to understand the scope of her words, what they meant and especially what she was referring to.

Sunghoon was afraid that he understood, that he understood what she really wanted from him.

But her actions were faster than his thoughts. She touched his hair slowly as if she was paying attention not to hurt him as if he was a fucking sculpture, but he wasn’t one and she had already hurt him by touching him without his consent.

“You are so pretty Sunghoon, an amazing athlete and a beauty on top of it.”

Without realizing it, Sunghoon felt himself fainting, as if the world was spinning around him, breathing cut off, hands trembling. It was the first time a wave of panic came over his body. He didn't know what was going on. Was it normal to have this kind of behavior with his students? Maybe it was a test to push him to the limit and see what he could do.

He could feel her warm breath in the hollow of his ear, and this closeness did not please him. No one had warned him that the interview was going like this. Was this the price to pay for daring to hope, one day, to be on a poster on these walls?

She kept trying to look at him. She wanted him to look into her eyes with the same desire she had. The woman looked at Sunghoon like he was a kind of God and he hated that. It was a surprising thing coming from him. He always loved attention, but right now Sunghoon was only repulsed. It was different, everything was different. He didn’t ask for her attention at all.

The worst was when she touched his lips with her fingers and then she pushed them inside his mouth. It was raw and disgusting. It had gone too far, but he couldn’t even scream, not when she played with her fingers in his mouth.

“Oh.” she said, followed by chuckles and she didn’t seem nice anymore. “You are so docile, Sunghoon, I like people like you.”

But Sunghoon wasn’t supposed to be like that. He wanted to push her away, but he didn't even understand what was going on. Everything had gone too fast, and he just wanted to go home.

With her mischievous smile, she continued to play with his mouth, inserting them in a slow back and forth, which made him want to throw up. Sunghoon felt his eyes stung as he was about to cry. He needed air, and he didn’t know if it was because of her disgusting fingers in his mouth or just a panic attack.

Maybe both, after all.

Breathe in, breathe out, he tried to calm himself down; he felt weak, like a child. It could be simple to push her away, to forget all propriety and run to his house, but what would his parents say? He couldn’t leave, not yet.

He hoped that all of this was a stupid and horrible joke and that she would simply laugh and return to her seat, asking him to sign the contract.

But his fantasies were simply fictional. Sunghoon had hoped for a second that she would stop when she took her fingers out of his mouth, giving him adequate air to catch his breath, but it was not to be. Instead, she wiped her fingers on her jeans to get rid of his saliva and she looked at his lips so intensely he could think some demon possessed her.

In a way, she was because who the hell did that during an interview?

She kept staring at his lips and Sunghoon was afraid of what she had in mind, especially when she licked her own. Then, suddenly, she kissed him on his mouth, the same as she had fucked with her fingers a few minutes ago.

It disgusted Sunghoon, and he closed his eyes. Maybe if he didn’t see what she was doing, time would pass more quickly and then he could come back home and tell his parents he regretted his choice and wanted to go to Decelis. He simply regretted accepting this meeting. Maybe it was his fault. After all, he should have foreseen what was going to happen, and maybe he should have over thought about it the day before and think about all the possibilities.

And she kept kissing him, and Sunghoon did not reciprocate at all. It might disappoint her because she stopped and pinched her cheeks firmly with her hand.

“Don’t you want to move? You make it difficult. I thought you were capable of anything for the Olympics.”

He swallowed his saliva, and it hurt his throat a little, a complex feeling between anxiety and regret. This situation, her hands on him, the gaze she had, all of this was rough and he found it difficult to not fall apart, to not cry in front of her.

But they shaped Sunghoon to be fake, shaped to keep his emotions to himself. So, in his defense mechanism, he was just keeping his eyes closed. Ironically, he wished she finished her things quickly, to not feel it anymore, to just go back home.

She had other things in mind; she let go of his face and just put her hands under his shirt; he hated the touch of her icy hands on his stomach, hated the laugh she made when she saw him holding back tears as she was making fun of him, making fun of his reaction and attitude.

Sunghoon stayed silent. He was the prey, ready to be torn apart.

But the coach finally chuckled and Sunghoon decided to open his eyes a little, to not be caught red-handed, just to see what she was doing to him, what she had prepared in her brain.

She stared at his belt, and he felt as if it was the beginning of the end. He had his pants on, the ultimate barrier between him and her. Then, it would be too late to go back.

She started to undress him and it was his last straw, the sign to wake up and go. It was more than just the Olympics it was about his life, about how he could handle it. Sunghoon didn’t want to risk his mental health for his career. It was his passion and what he always wanted, but he could never suffer that much, not mentally, for this.

So, he stood up quickly, making her stumble, and their eyes locked. She looked at him, not with the hunger she had before, but with a smirk on her face, as if she knew he was a fucking wimp.

“Sunghoon,” she murmured deception in her voice, “you won’t do the Olympics, then you know that.”

He tried to keep their eyes locked onto one another, to prove he wasn’t afraid of her, even if his legs were shaking. He didn’t answer, too afraid of crying at the minute words would pass his throat. So Sunghoon nodded and turned back to the door. As he reached it, he looked at the posters for the last time.

He would never be an athlete, and it broke his heart.

“Sunghoon,” she said just before he left. “no need to talk about what happened. No one will believe you, anyway.”

He felt a little laugh stuck in the back of his throat, mocking and playful at the idea that he was going to suffer through his fault for a simple child's dream.

Now the child was nothing but dust and the young man who walked through the door was no longer the same.

He ran as fast as he could and the minute he came back home; he went straight to the shower to erase her touch on him. Sunghoon would never be an athlete, it was certain.

But Sunghoon would never be anymore.

#

The alcohol was popping in his veins, making his hands tremble with such an intensity he thought Jake had drugged him on purpose. Sunghoon was gagging on the sofa, rethinking his choices to get there.

Sure, if one year ago he hadn’t accepted Jake’s offer to make parties a recurrent thing, maybe he wouldn’t be lying like the mess he was, a headache as strong as his regrets. He could admit it was his fault a bit.

But for what? The main purpose of these parties was to attract Kim Sunoo, the object of all his desires and dreams for the past year.

Did it work? Not really.

Sunghoon organized a party almost every week, at his parent's house, and he gained a reputation, popularity and friends–even if he only trusted Jake, Jay and sometimes Heeseung in odd-numbered weeks. Sometimes, he saw the pink-haired man enjoying his party, glancing at him with a smirk on his face as if he was challenging him to come see him.

But Sunghoon never did. He waited and waited for him to come first but it was only half-smiles across the room, shoulders barely touching each-others, sidelong looks and murmurs muffled by the crowd. It wasn’t enough for the man. He wanted more; he needed more. Kim Sunoo was an enigma, a mystery, a boy he could only dream about.

Why did he come to him one year ago? Why did he say his name and then left? Why did he leave Sunghoon in the negativity of his thoughts?

“It’s a simple crush,” Jay had told him many times. “You will forget him one day.”

But when would that day come?

The freshness thrilled Sunghoon. He loved people, loved all the mysteries they spread like a haze surrounding them, and loved the stories he could imagine based on the opinion of others.

He always needed to discover people by himself, to see if all the rumors were true and based on real things.

But Sunoo was too hard to reach, and that was maybe what pleased Sunghoon even more. The challenge, the incertitude, the mystery of the man.

“Dude,” he heard as he tried to see straight, “you look like shit.”

He recognized Jake’s attractive voice and stood up to be seated on the sofa–and not lay it down. His gaze was foggy, and he felt dazed as he tried to readjust his vision.

“I have a headache. I think I drank a little too much.”

“Oh! You think so!”

Sunghoon did not comment on Jake’s ironic tone. He knew it was only his way of showing his worry. It was cute.

“I won’t drink anymore, I promise.”

“Yeah, you told me the same last week and before as well.” Jake seated beside him and placed a hand on his leg as he wanted to get his attention for another sermon on his disastrous attitude “I’m worried about you, it was fun at the beginning but you only drink during parties, you don’t even spend time with me or with Jay.” He marked a pause long enough for Sunghoon to see the concern in his eyes. “You don’t even try to meet new people, it’s just you, a few drinks and an eternal yearning for a guy who doesn’t know your name.”

Sunghoon sighed. He knew Jake was right, but what could he do? His stupid crush on Sunoo was the only thing that was distracting him from his anxiety and problems, and alcohol helped him forget all his anxiety, even for a short time, before the morning's clarity, the burning tears rolling down his cheeks.

Jake had Heeseung, who loved him in his own mysterious way, but Sunghoon was alone. As usual.

So why couldn't he just dream in his corner?

“I just want you to be happy like I am.” Jake continued, seeing that Sunghoon didn’t intend to respond. The latter knew Jake was lying, he wasn’t that happy, his friends with benefits relationship with Heeseung wasn’t enough for him, he needed more, wanted more but at least he was kissing the guy of his dreams while Sunghoon was alone on the sofa.

1-0

“I appreciate your concerns, Jake,” he finally responded, resting his head on his shoulders. “I’m just happy the way things are.”

“Liar! I know you aren’t happy like that, otherwise you would be dancing with pretty boys and girls downstairs.”

Sunghoon chuckled. He wished he was that confident. He wished he was the Dom-Juan people thought he was instead of the insecure and unstable man he was.

He wished he was the Sunghoon of yesteryear.

But Sunghoon had also grown up in his way, and he was willing to make efforts for the people he loved.

“Okay.” he answered, tired of seeing Jake’s concern. “I will try something with Sunoo.”

Jake stood up so quickly at the news that his head collided with Sunghoon's. He apologized and then applauded the young man.

“Sunghoon, oh my god, I’m so happy you finally decided to grow balls.”

He didn't know if it was the alcohol, Jake's concern, or his willingness to change that had allowed him to gather his courage, but he felt much lighter, as if the weight he was carrying was gradually coming off.

“I just don’t know what to do,” he confessed. "I can’t just ask him out like this.”

Jake pretended to think about it, but the speed with which he asked him to hand over his phone showed him that he had already orchestrated everything for quite some time.

Sunghoon gave it to him without reluctance and just hoped that he wouldn't send his nudes to Sunoo as a way to bait the man.

“You still have Tinder, right?”

Jake and Jay installed Tinder on his phone a few months ago. Sunghoon had not used the app that much, once, maybe twice, but he almost deleted it, tired of seeing all the notifications blowing up.

“Don’t tell me your super plan to seduce Sunoo consists of swiping him to the right on Tinder?” he said without moving a bit. He was so tired he couldn’t even fight Jake to have his phone back.

“To be fair,” Jake started, always looking at the phone, “it is my idea.”

Sunghoon chuckled a bit. If things were that simple, he would have done it already.

“Please give me my phone back and we will think of a better plan tomorrow.”

“Oh yeah, and what will be the difference tomorrow? You don’t want to speak to him directly, so you must do it this way.”

Sunghoon moved his head a tad to his right to have a greater vision of Jake’s actions. The man was swiping on the left with so much rapidity he feared he might break his screen.

“What are you doing?”

But Jake ignored him and continued to attack his phone. Finally, after a few minutes which seemed interminable, he stopped, looked at the screen, then screamed.

“Finally! I thought I was gonna swipe for eternity.” The man lowered down to give the phone to Sunghoon, who gladly took it back.

Seeing Sunghoon’s blasé attitude, Jake tapped on his shoulder and pointed to the screen.

“God, I spent ten minutes trying to find his profile. Can you just take a look?”

Sunghoon frowned a bit and looked carefully at what Jake had done. The phone was still on Tinder and on a certain profile.

Sunoo’s Tinder profile was in front of his very own eyes. It was like he could touch some part of his life and know some facts about the man without talking to him. Sunghoon felt like an intruder.

But his curiosity was too big to prevent him from looking, and then if Sunoo was on the application, it was that he wanted to share this kind of information. So, he began his reading.

Sunoo, 21

I can give you anything you want

Cancer, hard-working, cute, gay, swiftie, loyal

“Swipe to the right, swipe to the right.”

He didn’t know if it was the little voice in his head or Jake whispering it in his ear, but he wanted to do it, he wanted to swipe to the right. It was so tempting, so appealing.

It did not cause anything to swipe. And so he did. He did swipe on the right, but something odd happened in front of his eyes, something he could have not foreseen.

It’s a match!

You and Sunoo have liked each other

“What the fuck?”

He screamed so loud Jake nearly bumped his head again from excitement.

“Oh my God! Dude, he swipes you too, you know what that means!?”

Sunghoon did understand, but he didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to process what happened.

Kim Sunoo had swiped him, too. He was going to jump off the window.

But something also caught his eye as he clicked on his profile. Sunoo was connected, and he also had sent him a message.

A message.

Kim Sunoo had sent him a message.

Alcohol was probably messing with his eyesight because it couldn’t be true.

Sunoo, connected

finally park sunghoon, you come to me

Jake looked at the screen, placing both of his hands on his mouth, too shocked by what Sunoo wrote.

“Dude,” he said, “he wants you to fuck him so much.”

And that was maybe the problem.

#

The hot water was running on his body and he rubbed his skin so much it almost hurt him. But Sunghoon wanted to erase her trace, the slightest print she could have left on him. It disgusted him as he continued to rub faster and faster until his skin turned red and the tears rolled down his cheeks.

“Please, please get out of my head!” he screamed, placing both of his hands on his ears as if it would stop him from replaying the scene over and over in his mind.

He dropped to the wet floor of the shower, curled up like a caged animal, almost unable to breathe because of his tears. He couldn’t stop thinking about it, thinking about how his dream had come to term, how he had lost his only way to the Olympics, how he had lost his ultimate chance.

His parents will be so disappointed.

Another sob broke the silence of the room. There was only the sound of his weeping and the shower. Sunghoon didn’t know how many times he had spent here, but he knew it was a long time since his mother knocked hard on the door.

“Sunghoon! What are you doing? You have to tell us how the meeting went. We have prepared champagne for the occasion.”

She knocked again, but he didn’t answer. Instead, there were only tears and tears. Sunghoon couldn’t face her, face them. What will he say? How could he explain what had happened?

“Sunghoon.” she knocked again and again. And he pressed on his ears. He didn’t want to listen to her voice or her eternal questions. He needed time.

Sunghoon was always out of time, always practicing to be the best, losing his friends, and losing his energy. He was an outsider. He was too afraid to face the world.

But tonight he had to make it. He had to show his weaknesses. He hated to do it, but he had no other choice. Sometimes we all needed to be saved.

The shock was too fresh, too important. He was going to sink.

“Sunghoon, please! We need to talk!” he heard his mom scream again and so he came out of the shower.

“One minute.” He tried to calm himself down, not wanting his mother to hear his trembling voice, not that she cared about it.

He dried himself and got dressed to be as presentable as possible, as if he had not sunk a few moments earlier, as if everything was good.

As if he didn’t want to die.

Then he opened the door and faced his mother. She looked furious, as if he had done something bad, something terrible. But Sunghoon felt sick when he stared at her. Through his parents’ eyes, he always felt like a burden, a marionette slightly manipulated. They wanted him to be the best ice skater in the world. Sunghoon have had enough of their bullshit; if they wanted it that much, why didn’t they just do it themselves?

Take the skates if you dare!

“Did it go well?” she dared to ask.

She asked no questions about how he felt, about his day, or if he still wanted to be an athlete.

No, it was always about them. Everything was about them. It was never about Sunghoon’s wishes, his needs, or what he liked.

“Sunghoon, enough is enough! Answer me!”

Just them. Sunghoon felt like a ghost at home. He was sinking into the sea of his problems and his parents let him sink and sink without pulling in out to breathe, instead; they drowned him, even more, each day and he wanted to explode. He wanted to scream how he felt, about how his heart hurt when they ignored him, about how his stomach burned when they forced decisions on him. Scream about the loneliness he felt, scream about how other parents loved their children and didn’t force their dreams into them.

But Sunghoon could scream for a while. Nobody would save him, and they would still ignore him. He was Sunghoon, the unwanted, the rejected, the shameful.

Did someone actually care about him?

He knew his mother waited for his answer; she was as steady as a rock crossing the path to his only exit, to the way of his room. She won’t let him breathe for a second if he doesn't answer that damn question.

Sunghoon was tired of lying and playing the role of the perfect son, the golden boy they had wished for. Perhaps if he had listened to his own desires, none of this would have happened. He needed to be brave.

“No,” he started ready to face her, looking straight into her eyes, “he didn’t go well for me.”

His mother looked at him, mouth agape, but he did pass anyway. He hurried down the stairs and heard his mother's voice in the distance, soon accompanied by his father's.

But Sunghoon didn't care. For the first time, he would listen to what he wanted. Because he was his priority, things went wrong because of his parents and he hoped that one day the guilt would grow in them so much that it would intoxicate their bodies and avoid them from living, like they did with him. So, Sunghoon arrived in his room before his parents caught up with him to force him to talk. He locked the door and collapsed on his bed, trying to hold back his tears. Nothing made sense, nothing made a fucking sense in his life. From the beginning to the end, from his ice skater life to his role as a son. Nothing made sense, and he tried to recollect the memories.

Why did he want to be an athlete? Was it a personal motivation or was he blinded by his desire to be loved?

Yeah, Sunghoon loved to be admired, loved to be the best, but what he always dreamt of, deep inside of him, was to be loved by his parents, to see a spark of pride in their eyes, not the usual disgust that he had seen.

The tears would not stop flowing. Was he not worthy of love?

That way, Sunghoon spent the rest of the day in his bed, wondering what he had done wrong to suffer this much.

He didn’t respond to any of his parents’ complaints nor to the countless knocks on his door. He wanted peace and calm, and he wanted what he couldn’t have.

Because right now, it was about his needs and his only.

He would be his only priority.

#

Sunoo

we should meet ;)

Sunghoon was staring at his phone for three minutes, trying to think about when he was this lucky.

Sunoo, his fucking crush, had sent him a message. A message to meet him. It was a dream come true, and he was so excited that it was the first thing he had said to his roommates.

' “You're gonna lose your V-Gay-Card, bro.” Jake said, eyeing at the phone and then giving it to Jay.

The latter took the phone and looked at it, making the same face as Jake.

“There is no such thing as V-Gay-Card, you dumb.”

They both laughed and Sunghoon felt a pressure on his back. He was always interested in the man, how his eyes were pretty and full of life, or how his smile was shining like a sun. Sunoo was attractive, hot on top of that. Sunghoon would be lying if he said he hadn’t jerked off thinking about him and his precious lips, but when things were closer to becoming real, he was shitting himself.

“But..” he started, his voice trembling. “What if I don’t want to?”

Jake rubbed his shoulder as a sign of affection, and Jay smiled at him with tenderness.

“You know,” Jake answered, “not everyone is ready at the same time and it’s your right! If you only want to dream about it without doing it, it’s your choice and Sunoo will understand it.”

Sunghoon felt better. He always felt different, like an outcast. He didn’t know if it was his anxiety or the traumas that blocked him every time he imagined someone touching him, but he needed to be reassured every single day.

Sunghoon would never force himself on someone again.

“And Sunoo only asked you to meet him, he didn’t send “come and fuck me darling”” Jay added, giving him a look that meant to be reassuring but his piercing eyes did the opposite “even if I know Sunoo doesn’t want any relationships, maybe he had changed.”

Sunghoon nodded, feeling like a child surrounded by his two older brothers. He was glad to have someone understanding him. It was all he had even dreamt of.

And Jay was probably right. Sunoo didn’t intend on anything sexual about their meeting. Maybe he wanted a little chat to see if Sunghoon reached his expectations, if he was good enough to handle him. He hoped he was.

“Thanks guys!” He really meant it. “I will accept his proposition and see what happens.” He answered to Sunoo that he would be a pleasure to meet, already excited and stressed by the date. It was his chance. He couldn’t be hooked on a boy without trying something out.

He wanted Sunoo, then he would have him.

So, Sunghoon didn’t expect Jay to be wrong. The latter was always right, and that was the main reason why he trusted him in the first place. That was why, when he knocked on Sunoo’s door and his crush told him to come in, he was so confident.

But he shouldn’t have been.

Because Sunoo was waiting for him on his sofa, with an innocent smile on his face, and an outfit that was a call for lust. His shoulders were bare, and he had a delightful view of his collarbones. He could also see his belly, in the light of the crop top he wore with shorts, that allowed him to see his beautiful legs.

He was going crazy, and he had the impression of being trapped. It was all but an innocent dinner.

“You are finally here, Sunghoon.” His gaze pierced him so hard, he could feel his heart beating in his ears, a rhythm following his stress and anxiety.

He tried not to look too much at his lips, but it was hard since Sunoo put on the prettiest lipstick he had ever seen, a shade of red which was emphasizing the hazel of his eyes. The boy tapped on his side of the sofa as if he was commanding Sunghoon to sit, and he did. Oh, he did.

Sunghoon didn’t know where to look. He didn’t want to give Sunoo the wrong impression. Of course, he wanted to sleep with him, for his experience, but also because Sunoo was the first person who intrigued him like he did and he was on another level…

Yet, Sunghoon had a lot to unpack. He was still terrified by love, still terrified by physical touch, and he didn’t want to break anything that could happen with the man.

Sunoo was a work of art. He wanted to handle him with care.

“Do you want to drink something?” he asked and Sunghoon nodded and watched him going to the kitchen. He folded his hands in his lap, trying to calm himself down. He wanted to get to know him, but not like this, not with sex, not being used like the other guys, like Jake or Heeseung in the past. Sunghoon wanted to be someone important. For God’s sake, he was Park Sunghoon. He couldn’t be someone passing through a chimera in Sunoo’s life. He would be someone.

“Here.” Sunoo came back with two glasses and a few bottles of different alcohol, water, and some juices. “What do you want?” Sunghoon didn’t care, actually. He wasn’t here to drink, by the way. He wanted to know why Sunoo had invited him to come over, why there was a seduction game between them, why they kept glancing at each other, and kept smiling and teasing.

“Whatever you want, I’m not difficult.” He answered, thinking about the double meaning of it right after. Sunoo smiled a bit, a seductive smirk on his face, and Sunghoon tried hard not to collapse on the floor.

Since the incident, he hated being alone with someone else, even if that person was the most attractive in the world. He didn’t even know Sunoo that well. What if he tried to take advantage of him? Sunghoon was afraid of his own reaction.

Breathe in, breathe out.

“So, what did you invite me to come over?”

Sunoo chuckled a bit, as if his question was the stupidest one he had ever heard, and maybe it was.

Remember, Sunghoon was naïve.

“I want you to fuck me.” Sunghoon raised his eyebrows. How could someone be this direct?

“Excuse me?”

“Oh please,” Sunoo sighed in frustration, “don’t tell me you don’t want to. You've been looking at my ass for the entire year.”

“Okay, maybe I want,” he answered and quickly continued when he saw Sunoo getting dangerously close to him. “But not now, not like this. I don’t know you.”

“Jay and Jake didn’t warn you? I don’t do feelings, I just want to fuck, no strings attached. But I don't want to pressure you, so I think we’ll stop before it even starts.”

But Sunghoon couldn’t miss the opportunity. He wanted to approach him, to tell him the truth. He wanted to scream what he could never say.

I can’t sleep with you without knowing you. You can't cross the line. I can’t be intimate with you because I am afraid of touch, because I want to do it with someone with whom I have a connection, someone who knows me. You are the hottest guy on the planet earth, but it’s not enough for me. Just let me know you.

Sunoo played with the wine in his glass, making it turn and turn, as he was waiting for Sunghoon to make a move or for him to leave.

There was no in-between with Kim Sunoo. Sunghoon understood that it was either all or nothing. But Sunghoon was afraid of the everything, it made him sick, and made him question his existence.

Sunghoon wanted Sunoo bit by bit, perceiving his qualities, learning to deal with his flaws. He wanted to be close to him, but not only with his body, also with his mind and heart. He needed this before anything sexual could happen, not that he didn’t feel like it, but it was only his way of dealing with his emotions, his stress.

“Am I not enough for you?” Sunoo asked and Sunghoon couldn’t decipher his gaze, couldn’t understand if it was sarcasm or anything else, because of course he was enough, more than enough.

Sunghoon stayed silent for a second. He didn’t know what to do. Should he just leave the damn apartment?

“I told you I can’t fuck you without knowing you. That’s not how I work.”

But Sunoo just laughed at his face, smothering his laughter in his glass of wine.

“Did I say something funny?” He started to lose his patience.

See, you could easily catch Sunghoon’s attention. It was easy, he wasn’t a very difficult guy. But you could also lose it in a flash.

Sunoo could be the prettiest guy on earth, Sunghoon would not let himself be stepped on. He hated being treated like a nobody, as if he hadn’t had any feelings just like his parents treated him all his life.

“Sorry,” Sunoo answered, his usual smile erased by an unknown feeling. “It’s just that nobody wants to get to know me, so it’s hard to believe you.”

Sunghoon’s heart nearly broke up. Sunoo seemed so kind, so mysterious. For a second, all his confidence broke into many pieces and Sunghoon just felt the need to recollect them all.

Indeed, Kim Sunoo was a mystery.

Sunghoon didn’t want to leave anymore. He just looked at Sunoo, locked his eyes with him, trying to find any hint of what he meant. The guy opened up his heart and he couldn't leave anymore. He could be the first one to decrypt the man, the first one to get to know him.

The first one to really know Kim Sunoo.

“Listen,” Sunghoon started, but Sunoo had already regained all his confidence, his eyes were focused on Sunghoon with a determination he had ever seen. “Although I really want to sleep with you, I also need to get to know you, it’s not a joke.”

Sunoo was about to speak, but Sunghoon interrupted him with a wave of his hand.

“So, I propose you a deal.”

Sunoo raised his eyebrows. “A deal? What type of deal?”

His eyes sparkled with curiosity. If Sunghoon had learned something about Sunoo from the past year, it was that he loved to attract people, manipulating them to his liking as if he was the chief of a whole scheme.

“I want to get to know you while you just want to sleep with me once.” Sunoo nodded directly and Sunghoon felt his heart clench. “So, what about we make a kind of competition when the first one who crossed his limits loses?”

“I don’t get your point.”

Frankly, Sunghoon didn’t get it as well. He didn’t know why he paid so much attention to the guy. They didn’t know each other that well. It was just a pure sexual attraction-and it was the first time Sunghoon felt this way- but he wanted to do it, he didn’t want to lose his only chance with Sunoo.

“We get to know each other and when I break down and we sleep together, we stop. Thus, we both satisfy our desires without missing each other.”

Sunghoon knew he could break down, it was a matter of time. But he had maybe misperceived Sunoo’s intention, the guy surely wasn’t as motivated as he was.

Sunoo chuckled, touching his thighs with his palms as he looked directly into Sunghoon’s eyes.

Oh, the color was astonishing.

“And what's in it for me? Why shouldn't I go fuck someone else? Why should I take the time to get to know you?”

His words were cruel and rude, but so true. Why would Sunoo take the risk? Sunghoon wasn’t worth it, as usual.

“I don’t know. I just thought it was a good idea. It’s been a year since we met and we know we spend the entire time trying to reach one another. I just wanted to try something out.”

Then he stood up, ready to leave the apartment, ready to leave Sunoo without an answer. But as he started to walk straight back to the door, Sunoo held him by the wrist.

“Where are you going? I haven't even given my answer yet.”

“I don’t know,” Sunghoon still didn’t turn back to him as he didn’t want to meet his eyes. “You just said you could find someone else.”

“It’s true,” he pulled on his arm, forcing him to sit back beside him”but maybe for you I could try.”

Sunghoon was feeling like a fucking high-schooler, his cheeks turned red after Sunoo’s words and his heart could explode in his chest at any minute. He was crazy, head over heels, for Kim Sunoo.

“Yeah,,” Sunoo tucked his chin in his hand, forcing Sunghoon to look straight into his eyes, “you are right. I can’t waste the opportunity, I want to get to know the great and mysterious Park Sunghoon.”

Sunghoon couldn’t breathe anymore, he was too snatched by how Sunoo perceived him, a bunch of lies he created from beginning to end, to catch his attention, to be someone in his eyes.

Sunghoon was far away from all the stereotypes he had shaped, he wasn’t desired or a Dom Juan, it was all fake, all for Sunoo’s attention.

It did work.

And it was all that mattered.

“So, it’s a deal.” he murmured, afraid of the bearing of his own words or what they could lead to.

Sunoo smiled, then answered, “It’s a deal.”

Indeed, Sunghoon’s heart exploded with happiness and fear. Things could be appealing, the greatest experience of his life or it could be a disaster, the end of it all. What if Sunoo hated the true Sunghoon?

But right now, Sunoo was smiling at him, ready to get to know him, entirely. And it was enough to please Sunghoon.

What we didn’t do for Kim Sunoo.

#

“It’s been a while since you did not go to your training,” his father’s voice echoed in the silence of the living room, diner had been served for more than ten minutes and no one had yet dare to speak, “your coach called me, she doesn’t even know if your interview with Lee Hanbit went well.”

At the mention of his assaulter, shivers ran down his spine. Blasé, he left his fork on the side, he didn’t feel like eating anymore.

“I already told you that it went badly.” He sighed, looking at his plate.

Sunghoon had told his parents about the incident, with details. It was tough and the most difficult thing he had done, but it was needed.

He had been assaulted. At first, it was pretty hard to understand it, to make the correlation between the harsh word and the action, but he had to face the facts.

He had been assaulted and he must not feel weak at all. It wasn’t his fault. He had started to join forums on the internet to share his story and to read others. He had learned a lot of things and even started to talk with people, understanding how to deal and live with this infectious weight on his back. One person pushed him to talk to his parents, in the fact of his mutism they started to be mean towards him, and Sunghoon already had enough on his plate.

But while others spoke of understanding and compassion, Sunghoon had only faced mockery and humiliation, as if he were a nobody.

His father had laughed at him, saying that he was a man and so this type of thing couldn’t happen to him. His mother, on the contrary, was more affected about his career and she called him a coward who was afraid of the Olympics.

Sunghoon just wanted to disappear. Forever.

“Yeah, Sunghoon, I already listened to your bullshit story. You could just have said you didn’t want to pursue your career.”

He wanted to scream. If only it was that easy. His parents never gave him a choice while he didn’t lie. It was true. He had been assaulted.

His career had been stolen from him, he had been given no choice.

“I told you the truth!” He let himself be carried away by emotion, his voice sounded aggressive and his father did not seem to like it that much.

"Watch your mouth, you little coward!”

Sunghoon tried so hard not to cry, his eyes stung, burning his chest, burning him whole. Why were things so difficult? Why did he suffer that much?

And why did his parents seem to hate him?

His mother tried to reach his hand but he got out of her grip, avoiding her eyes. He needed to go to his room quickly. He needed to be alone for a moment.

Sunghoon hated solitude, but everyone seemed to push him through it.

“In two months, it's back to school time.” His father talked again as if Sunghoon hadn’t admit he had been sexually assaulted, as if everything was fucking normal. Sunghoon hated the feeling that was tickling his guts, he didn’t deserve all of this, he didn’t even ask for it, “So, your mother and I have decided to enroll you in Decelis, in the law department.”

“Can I at least decide on my major or am I too dumb to do it?” It was the first time he dared to respond, but it was a necessity, Sunghoon had more than enough.

He didn’t ask his parents to skate when he was five years old, didn’t ask to pursue this career, didn’t ask to go to Decelis.

The only thing he knew he wanted to try was the Olympics and yet the universe took a malicious pleasure in making him regret.

“Shut up!” His father slammed his fist on the table, causing the glasses to fall. He stood up, glared at Sunghoon, and he was ranting. Sunghoon felt as if his eyes would pop out of their sockets then he felt the touch of his mom’s hand on his and finally locked eyes with her.

“It’s for your own good darling, you know we love you.”

He didn't know it at all. His parents had never told him that they loved him and they had never shown it. How was he supposed to love himself if he didn’t know how love worked?

“Will you go to Decelis then?” she asked with the softest voice, continuing drawing circles on the back of his hand.

Sunghoon didn’t have a choice and if he could avoid his parents by going to college it was for the best.

“Yes, I will.”

His mother sighed with relief and asked, by a sign of the hand, to his husband to sit back down. The rest of the night was a complete silence except for the sounds of the forks and mouth noises and it was not worse.

Sunghoon didn’t want to hear them again. Afterwards, he quickly went to his room and locked the door.

Maybe going to Decelis would be the best thing of his life.

#

If Sunghoon learned one thing about college, it was that he hated law with all his heart.

This was such a complex course with a lot of subjects and things to learn: Jurisprudence, Civil Procedure Code – for real who cared about Environmental law? We were all going to die in a few years anyway – or even property law. It was too much for his little stupid brain, so if you didn’t like it, it was pretty hard to keep up.

Of course, his parents had to choose the worst course of them all.

Even if he didn’t enjoy most of the subjects, he tried to do his best. His future was at stake and if he dared to screw up his year, his parents would make him regret it.

Sometimes, it was too hard to focus, and he let him be distracted by his phone and his chat with Jay and Jake, they were funny and easy to reach- all the contrary of this stupid class.

But Sunghoon was also thinking about Sunoo and what happened yesterday, the fucking deal he had proposed, the tiny smile on his face, his exposed collarbones and the sound of his laugh. He was whipped and it was only the beginning of the process, Sunghoon knew he could end this damn game at any moment, before it was too late, before he fell for him and let him consume his whole body.

Sunoo was malicious, and he knew it even more when he received a message during one of his interminable classes. He knew he shouldn’t have given him his phone number, but he was the one who wanted to get to know him. He could only take all the blame.

sunoo

hey ;) are you in class?

It was the first time they talked since the evening they had spent together. Nothing happened, but it was enough to burn Sunghoon. They talked, shared some things about their lives, and drank alcohol. It was easy to feel good with Sunoo.

Except for his stupid crush he had on him, of course.

sunghoon

hey ^^ yeah I am why??

sunoo

perfect! it’s better this way

sunghoon

?????

sunoo

even if yesterday was great i didn’t forget our deal my dear

i will win

Sunghoon cautiously looked over his shoulder to see if anyone was looking at his screen; you never know what to expect with Kim Sunoo.

sunghoon

oh god, i’m scared

sunoo

as u should ^^

can i send you a picture tho?

sunghoon

picture of what?

sunoo

a nude you dumb

sunghoon

aren’t people supposed to send nude without any warning?

sunoo

no, this type of people are the worst

even if it’s a game, consent is important

Sunghoon could have a boner right now, only with his words, if Sunoo continued to be this perfect.

Before Sunghoon could answer- because he was still trying to process the whole thing- Sunoo sent another message as if he really wanted to destroy his mind.

sunoo

so can i?

Sunghoon wanted to see the picture, it was the first time someone proposed to send him nudes so he was curious. Maybe Sunoo was just playing with him, testing his ability to fail the deal or not.

But Sunghoon also wanted to see Sunoo, to approach him. He was attracted to him and seeing his body made him feel closer to the man.

sunghoon

yes, you can

but i already told you i was in class so…

sunoo

yeah and it’s better

because you can’t touch yourself ;)

Oh, so he really thought he would lose so easily.

And maybe that was what Sunghoon feared the most, what Kim Sunoo could change, how Kim Sunoo could destroy his routine.

He didn’t know why he proposed this deal last night. He knew Sunoo’s reputation, how he loved to play with people, messing with their lives, shaping them into what he wanted and desired. Sunoo was pretty untamed, from what Jay told him during a few of his mental-crush-breakdowns. But it was also what attracted him in the very first place.

He wanted to own him, to show the world how he succeeded in making him fall under his spell.

He was whipped for sure, but he wasn’t in love.

Not yet.

Sunghoon didn’t know where to stand, should he trust the guy or not?

This was a game, and he should play it too, roll the dice and place his pawns.

sunghoon

i won’t lose

sunoo

you know touching yourself while thinking about me doesn’t count

i just love to tease you, you know

but now that i have your consent

sunoo has sent a picture

Sunghoon kept staring at the last messages, scared of the picture, scared of what Sunoo could have sent.

The little notification was calling for him, teasing him to open it. It was intimidating but also exciting to receive nudes during class.

He took a deep breath, unlocked his phone, and opened the message.

Oh.

Sunoo was mostly naked, he was shirtless, in front of a dirty mirror, but that was not what had caught Sunghoon’s attention first.

No.

What caught his attention and silenced him was Sunoo’s dick in his right hand, he didn’t even try to hide it - yeah it was the main purpose of nudes- he was smiling like there wasn’t any tomorrow, holding it for the picture, pink and in erection. Sunghoon had the feeling he had just masturbated and he couldn’t stop staring, his cheeks turned red and he suddenly felt too hot to even think properly.

God, he was acting like a virgin. He could hear Jake’s never-ending laugh bumping his brain, he would never tell him about that, never.

sunoo

you don’t answer? ;)

or maybe you just can’t ? hihi

i’ve taken a lot of pictures if you want

sunghoon

yes, please

sunoo

good boy

sunoo has sent a picture

sunoo has sent a picture

sunoo has sent a picture

Sunghoon clicked on the notification so fast, he wanted to see Sunoo even more. Each picture was more provocative and enticing than the previous one. On one of them, Sunoo had taken off his pants, on another he was on his bed touching his nipples. The last one, oh the last one, was the worst you could only see his dick in his right hand, blurred because he was touching it and Sunghoon could have killed to hear the sounds he made, to hear his jerky breath, he could have made him say his name, made him repeat him while touching himself.

He felt a little too excited, he had to stop, he was still in class and didn’t want anyone to notice a boner or anything else.

sunghoon

the last picture tho

i hope you were thinking about me

sunoo

hum who knows?

but i have a video if you want

sunghoon

please

sunoo

here darling

sunoo has sent a video

And Sunghoon had never put his stuff away so quickly before leaving the class. Too bad, the class sucked anyway.

#

To be honest, Sunghoon wasn’t really a virgin.

He had one relationship during his first year at Decelis. Between tears and his multiple crises, he caught the attention of one girl- and not just any- the one and only Jang Wonyoung.

At the beginning, Sunghoon was dubious, uncertain of her intentions. Why would a girl like her be interested in a loser like him?

Wonyoung was a goddess, a girl Aphrodite could be jealous of. She had the world at her feet, an army of pretendants she could use when she wanted.

But she picked him.

Sunghoon still didn’t know why she had chosen him. He wasn’t popular, wasn’t talkative, he just had a routine he needed to follow.

And then she broke everything, came to him, asked for his number with the prettiest smile on her face.

He was lost and surprised. Him, the unknown Park Sunghoon, was being hit on by Jang Wonyoung.

Unbelievable.

Then everything went fast. They talked almost every day, stayed together between classes, and she laughed at his worst jokes.

Sunghoon was living a dream, but as a man he was half-minded and slow on the uptake, then she took the lead and kissed him during one of their dates -Sunghoon didn’t understand they were- and he reciprocated it.

All was easy with her, Sunghoon was strongly attached to Wonyoung, he wasn’t in love for sure but he could have been. She was so pretty, so nice, a doll everyone wanted to possess.

He had a problem with the unreachable. Everything and everyone who was out-of-reach was what he needed, he wanted. Just a way to face his parents and say: “Look, I can have all I want without your help.”

They kissed, kissed and kissed again. Every time they saw each other, Sunghoon was breathing even more. Then, she asked, with a little voice, “What are we?” and for an answer, he just pressed his lips on her.

That was how Sunghoon had his first girlfriend. At the beginning, everything was perfect and everything he had wished for.

But then she started to tease him, and started to ask for more.

“I want you to touch me.” she asked in their way to Decelis and Sunghoon stopped breathing.

In the heat of the action, he didn’t think of it, about touching her, about having sex. He wanted it of course, he was horny as fuck , but Sunghoon was still afraid of how he was gonna handle the action. The trauma was fresh, and he didn’t want to feel gross, to be afraid. He had this feeling, deep inside of him, of being a giant coward just like his parents thought.

What if Wonyoung took advantage of him? What if he couldn’t defend himself?

But he kissed her and kissed her until they arrived to her apartments where she started to take the lead and they fucked.

One time, two times and then Sunghoon got used to it. He was still afraid, still embarrassed by the whole situation but Wonyoung was so understanding, so perfect. He let her take the lead, letting her do what she wanted but it never felt bad, never felt wrong.

When he kissed her, he felt like home, like everything finally made sense in this world. He was surprisingly elated and it was all thanks to her.

Natheless, any one thing that happened in Sunghoon’s life and that made him happy never lasted long. One day, she invited him to her apartment and for the first time he saw her crying.

“What is wrong? Did anything happen to you?” he asked tenderly, touching her hands.

“I’m moving out to New York.”

Boom. The bomb was dropped and his heart nearly broke onto the floor.

Sunghoon was strong enough to endure a long night of crying, chatting and farewell. He was sincerely happy for her, she was following her dreams, so he needed to let her go. Two months had been enough to attach him to the girl, fortunately for his mental health, he was not in love.

She left him in the coldness of Decelis, alone and lost. She left him in the darkness of his thoughts, thinking about his miserable life. But then, the dark turned into something different. Sunghoon met Jake and Jay and everything changed.

And Kim Sunoo destroyed his mind.

#

After spending the rest of the day jerking off thinking about Sunoo’s pictures, the post-nut clarity came like a flash and Sunghoon felt so bad he nearly blocked the guy on his phone.

He thought about stopping the deal. Sunghoon was horny, it was a fact, but he was also easily humiliated.

How could he look him in the eyes? Had he done something wrong?

Sunoo had started this sick little game, he was the one who had sent the pictures, the one who teased Sunghoon.

He just watched and appreciated what he offered, he wasn’t bad, right?

He knew Sunoo wanted to end the deal as soon as possible, as if he was a prisoner forced to talk to the same guy again and again. This type of game didn’t seem to suit him at all, he loved freedom and to follow his own desire.

But if Sunoo was a player, Sunghoon could be worse.

He had to show him that he did deserve this game, he did deserve him. So, now, he had to think twice before doing something which could end it all.

Stop thinking with your dick!

Then, he heard the sound of footsteps informing him that Jay and Jake were finally back home. He breathed with relief considering he hated being alone with his thoughts, especially when they were about someone he had made a stupid deal with.

“So, what happened with the great Kim Sunoo?” Jake asked as soon as he reached the sofa on which was placed Sunghoon.

Jay went to the kitchen and came back with three bottles of beer which he put on the table, Sunghoon grabbed it at lightning speed hoping that this liquid would give him the necessary courage to face the next discussion. Unquestionably, he wanted to talk about it with the guys but he was also afraid of their reactions. He was probably the least experienced of them all and every time he did something he was afraid of being judged, even more so when it was about Sunoo.

“Yeah, I was upset to notice you went to bed without telling us everything.” Jay uncapped his beer with a quick gesture and then looked at him waiting for the story. Jake tapped on his side on the sofa, asking Sunghoon to come closer as if he wanted to avoid him leaving the living room without a word.

Sunghoon didn’t know where to start, what to say. But he knew he shouldn’t talk about the pictures unless he wanted to be teased by Jake all night long.

“Yeah, we kinda talk about…us?” he wasn’t sure if he was saying the right words, there was certainly no “us”.

Jake stroked his chin, “Which means?”

“Nothing, I just say I am attracted to him and that I want to get to know him.”

“You really did?” Jay seemed surprised and Sunghoon didn’t know if he had to take it as a compliment or an insult “What did Sunoo say? “I don’t want to be with someone” something like that isn’t it?”

Sunghoon laughed a little, muffling his voice with his right sleeve. Jay knew Sunoo so much, how he thought and loved people, he wished he was as close as Jay was with him in the past.

“Yeah, but I kind of proposed to him a deal. I explained that I didn’t want to fuck him if we didn’t know each other so I just say we had to get to know each other until one of us breaks it.”

“Meaning until you fuck.” Jay clarified, looking at Jake with surprise.

Sunghoon nodded.

“And Sunoo said yes?” Jake asked, “He just accepted without being reluctant. Have you talked today? Maybe he said it without meaning it.”

“Of course we talked today, you don’t think Sunoo can talk to me without having an ulterior motive. It’s like you think I’m not worth it.”

Jake jumped to his sides, fondling his shoulders. Sunghoon did perceive some tenderness and worry in his gaze.

“I didn’t mean it like this, I’m sorry, it’s just that… yeah, Sunoo is complicated and I don’t want him to play with your feelings.”

He searched for some help to support his words but the only help he got was from Jay, who slowly nodded, agreeing to his excuses .

“You are right but don’t worry I won’t fall, I won’t break. I will keep control.”

Jake let go of him and kept staring at Jay, the latter shrugged his shoulders and they finally stopped talking about him and Sunoo.

It was not that he wanted to stop talking about it, but Sunghoon was already afraid of the whole thing. What if Jake was right? Maybe Sunoo was playing with him, making fun of his deal and fears, talking with other guys who could give him what he wanted.

But Sunghoon was not blind as he could see and sense the tension between them. A year of yearning and expectations that was coming to an end. He was waiting for this and he needed to seize the opportunity, before losing him.

He didn't want to be tormented by the negative thoughts of his friends, even if they were right, even if it was all legitimate.

“I want to throw a party.”

Jay raised his eyebrows at his spontaneous proposition and then cast a glance at Jake.

“When?” the Australian asked.

“This week-end.”, he paused, “And I will invite Sunoo. I just need to ask my parents if the house is free.”

“As you wish, it’s your home after all.” Jay replied and Sunghoon grabbed his phone to send a message to his mother.

If everyone was believing Sunoo was not sincere and honest with him, then he had to show the world how serious it was.

“But,” Jake started and Sunghoon was afraid of what he would say to stop him from having this party “If Sunoo is coming then he would like to bring some of his friends right?”

“Yeah probably, why?” He didn’t understand where it was going. Sunghoon was tired, his friends seemed to want to keep him away from Sunoo at all costs, one way or another, even if they pretended otherwise.

“So it means Jungwon would probably come with him…”

And then he gave Jay a sidelong look and everything made sense now. Jake didn’t want to stop Sunghoon from seeing Sunoo, even if he totally told him how he was afraid of the man breaking his heart, but it was about Jay.

Jay and his story, Jay and his unconditional love for Jungwon even after all these years, even after his behavior.

“Oh…” he murmured and turned to Jay “I’m sorry I didn’t think about it, if you want I can tell him to come alone.”

Jay sighed, but it wasn’t from fear or irritation, he seemed tired and annoyed by the question.

“I don’t want you two to stop living because of my fight with Jungwon.” he paused as if the fact that he pronounced the name was something too hard and complicated for him, “Besides, I think it’s time for both of us to talk. I’m just..tired of everything.”

As he spoke, his breaths quickened and Sunghoon had reminiscences of the past, when he had to talk about the incident, when some people forced him to repeat it again and again until he exploded and cried his heart out. And he didn’t want Jay to suffer, he didn't deserve that, if the situation could be fixed with this party then he would do everything he could to make it happen.

Sunghoon smiled at his friend, proud of his will to change things, a will he had never had, a will he was desperately seeking . It was never good to keep phenomena and trauma deep inside, you needed to let them go, to explode and to kill them. Jay had to burn his past, allow it to disappear in the void, and the only way he could do that was to talk with Jungwon.

But when Jay and him were celebrating his bravery, Jake was always silent. He didn’t pronounce any words, his eyes were lost and far from the scene, far from everything as if he was afraid of something . He suddenly stood up and headed to his room.

“I’m gonna invite Heeseung!” Sunghoon shouted enough for him to hear it before reaching his door.

“Yeah yeah, you could do that.” and he locked himself up in his room.

Sunghoon looked back at Jay who seemed as lost as he was.

“I think he is tired.” He said.

I hope he is.

#

sunghoon

are you free this weekend ?

sunoo

omg you already invite me on a date

my pictures must have been really, really good <3

sunghoon

actually it’s not really a date

my house is free so i want to throw a party

but yeah your pictures were good dw ;)

sunoo

wow i’m finally invited by THEE park sunghoon

i was tired of coming because someone took me as a +1

it was about time

can i bring someone (actually two) ?

sunghoon

of course you can

sunoo

can i invite jungwon even if you know

he has his thing with jay

sunghoon

sure i don’t mind

sunoo

perfect, i don’t want to create a disaster

Sunghoon smiled at his phone screen, rereading the messages they had sent each other. He couldn’t wait for this party, he didn’t know why but he had this feeling deep inside of him, an intuition that something would happen, something that could change his relationship with Sunoo for the better.

Or at least he hoped so.

A few hours after Sunoo’s last message, he sent him another one.

sunoo

just for a confirmation

is jay coming to the party?

Jungwon certainly did ask him the question, they avoided each other like the plague.

sunghoon

of course, he is my best friend after all

sunoo

yeah sure

But before Sunghoon could answer, Sunoo sent him another message.

sunoo

jungwon is coming btw he said yes

i thought i had to tell you

if jay was asking lmao

sunghoon

don’t worry he doesn’t mind

sunoo

oh really?

interesting ;)

sunghoon

isn’t it

The party promised to be exciting and maybe Sunghoon and Sunoo’s relationship wouldn’t be the only one to take a consistent turn.

Sunghoon was right because it did, but not really like he expected it to be.

#

The party was in full swing while Sunoo and his friends had not yet arrived. Sunghoon was stressed, his stomach hurt and he tried to stay calm while he was waiting at the door. He couldn’t dance or enjoy the party, not when Sunoo had still not arrived. His heart was pounding in his chest so much he thought he was going to throw up the little vodka he swallowed. He came up with the worst scenarios: Sunoo dying on his way here, Sunoo not coming to the party and dropping him at the last minute or even worse, Sunoo fucking with another man which explained his delay.

Sunghoon was insane and too paranoid.

Hopefully, the others seemed to enjoy the party. Jake was making out with Heeseung on the sofa and it reassured Sunghoon a little bit because since he had announced his desire to throw a party, Jake was distant, a gloomy expression always on his face. He didn’t understand why and didn’t dare to ask, Jake wasn’t really a talkative person when it came to his own feelings and now, his tongue in Heeseung’s mouth, he seemed to be doing better.

As for Jay, he had been dragged by force by Minjeong who followed him in all the parties she could and every time these two were together, Jay ended up in a bad way. Too drunk to think, he let her do whatever she wanted with her. The last party they had together, which was two weeks ago, Minjeong licked Jay’s neck and their pictures finished on Twitter. Jay didn’t want to leave his room for a week, too shy to look them in the eyes and face the whole school.

Sunghoon just hoped Jay would stop before being too drunk to think properly, especially when tonight Yang Jungwon was coming.

He kept waiting for Sunoo to come, talking with people who passed by, sometimes he drank with Jake and drank again, kept waiting for Sunoo and when finally the door opened on him and his two friends, he had almost puked his guts out. Was it the stress or the alcohol flowing through his body? He would probably never know.

In fact, he didn’t care. Sunoo was finally here, a gentle smile on his face when he met his eyes. He was pretty, no, he was out of the world, maybe it was the alcohol which was playing with his mind, but he could swear he’d never see someone as beautiful as Kim Sunoo. Even more so tonight since his hair was slightly wavy and his eyes sparkled with excitement as he asked:

“Can we talk in private?”

Sunghoon nodded and made his way to the rooms upstairs. He was afraid of failing the deal, he didn’t know what to expect from the guy, what he wanted to tell him, but Sunghoon could never say “no” to Sunoo, particularly when he was drunk and blinded by his feelings. Sunoo followed him slowly, sometimes by brushing his arms which caused a shiver, a sensation he knew only with him.

He wanted to feel him against him, his skin against his, but fear never left him and Sunghoon could not let himself be tempted like that.

Not with Sunoo, not like this.

He couldn't risk losing everything for so little.

Damn, he was so tipsy.

The good side of living in a villa was that there were plenty of rooms at his disposal, the bad side was that these rooms were often occupied by most of the guests, and Sunghoon was afraid to fall on something a little too daring.

He finally found a free room after knocking at a few doors. The room was average-sized, enough to contain a double bed, one or two bookshelves, and some plants to decorate. It was cozy enough to chill and even sleep, he still didn’t know what to expect from the guy, but it would certainly be enough.

Sunoo sat down on the bed, tapping on his side to ask him to do the same, and of course, he did.

“Thankfully, we got a room.”

“You know it’s your house. You could have chased them out of the room.”

Sunghoon laughed and turned to his left to have him in his field of vision “Probably, but I don’t know how to be mean.”

“I’ll teach you then.”

And he smirked just like this, with this sentence that could have another meaning in another context, he knew it damn well. Sunghoon loved it, welcomed it as much as he could. He felt strangely hot while Sunoo stabbed him with his gaze, the amber of his eyes glowing like he wanted to show him everything he could teach him.

But Sunghoon cut the tension off before it was too late. “So, what did you want to tell me?”

“Oh, yeah, about that I lied sorry,” he said looking straight into his eyes, “I don’t have anything to tell you. I just wanted to push Jungwon to talk to Jay tonight. If I had stayed with him, he would never have had the balls to do it.”

Sunghoon smirked.

“So, he also wants to talk to Jay? Thank God, we, maybe, will be free from their never-ending fight.” Sunoo giggled and rested slowly, his head on Sunghoon’s shoulder. Surprised by his movement, Sunghoon jumped a bit, but then relaxed. He needed to stay calm and enjoy the moment. It wasn’t every day that he could be this close to Sunoo.

“At least,” Sunoo whispered, “we can stay together and play some drinking games since you want to get to know me.”

“I knew you had something in mind, but I appreciate the effort.”

Sunoo took his head off his shoulder and stood up.

“Just give me a second,” he showed the inside of the room with his hands, “ I’ll get a bottle, we have nothing in this room.”

He quickly left by the door, and for a few minutes Sunghoon was alone. Alone inside its walls, which it used to outline, he used to live here, this house was haunted by traumas and fears, a past he wanted to leave and forget.

But now, he wasn’t alone anymore and before he could even think too much, Sunoo came back with a bottle and two glasses and he locked the door after his passage.

“I hope you like beer. That was all that was left.”

Sunghoon smiled, “It’s perfect, don’t worry.”

The pink-haired man put the two glasses on the little table in the center of the room. It was supposed to be decorative furniture, not a minibar but he did it anyway. Sunoo sat down on his knees and waved at Sunghoon.

“Come on,” he tapped on his side, again “you won’t let me play alone.”

And as expected, Sunghoon sat by his sides. He watched Sunoo fill the glasses with alcohol and hoped he wouldn't lose often because he already had a terrible headache.

“So, which game do you want to play? I think “Never I have ever” is perfect.”

“I never understood the rules,” he confessed, “we must drink if we have done it right?”

“Exactly, but we can do another game if you want.”

“No, it's perfect.”

Actually, from his lack of experience in this field, Sunghoon didn’t know any other drinking games so he will stick with that.

“First,” Sunoo grabbed his glass so Sunghoon did the same, “I am the youngest, so I start.”

Sunghoon rolled his eyes, “What a surprise!”

The man tapped on his leg, a shy smile on his face.

“Never have I ever kissed someone.”

Too easy, even Sunghoon could take a sip, and they both did.

“Why did you ask a question that will make you lose?” Even if he didn’t know the rules by heart, Sunghoon was conscious that their goal was not to drink.

Sunoo grinned, “I know, but I am sober. I want to enjoy the party as much as I can.” He took another sip, “Your turn.”

“I don’t know…”

“Just something you have ever done and maybe want to try.”

Sunghoon could think about a lot of things he had not done, and a lot included something he wanted to try out- especially with Sunoo- but he was also afraid of the man’s reaction. The vision he had about him would scatter in millions pieces, and Sunghoon couldn’t stand perceiving the deception in his gaze. He had already disappointed so many people.

He cleared his throat. “Never have I ever fucked a guy.”

Sunoo drank again and then looked at him“ You didn’t drink?” Sunghoon nodded from left to right, his crush raised his eyebrows with a smug smile on his face “Really? I thought you had experience.”

“Is it… like a bad thing?” he dared to ask, afraid of his answer.

“Not at all! Everyone acts as they wish.”

Sunghoon released a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “It’s because I only discovered I was bisexual one year ago.”

“You didn’t owe me any explanation, you know. It’s not because I sleep with a lot of people that I expect people to do the same.“

For an obscure reason, Sunghoon found Sunoo’s attitude particularly hot. He was a little too perfect not to fall for him, and Sunghoon wanted to avoid this situation as much as possible.

“And how did you discover you were bisexual?” Sunoo asked, tapping his fingers on the table, “If there is a reason of course, and if you want to share it.”

He hadn’t told anybody about this and he never thought that the first person to ask would be his crush.

“Because of Jake.” Misunderstanding passed unto Sunoo’s face so he continued “I found Jake hot and I had a crush on him.”

Sunoo laughed, “Not surprising, he is flirty with everybody.”

It was also a fact, he knew that if he had not met Sunoo- and if Jake had left out Heeseung- he would have probably still had a crush on him.

“And you?” Sunghoon asked, consumed by curiosity, “When did you find out you were… gay?” Sunoo didn’t tell him directly if he was only attracted to men but he only heard about his stories with them, so he hoped his assumptions were true.

Sunoo took another sip and smiled, “Did you see me?” He pointed his finger to his chest, “I always knew it, and to be honest when I was young, I thought everyone was gay.”

“If only.”

“A perfect world, isn’t it?”

They both laughed and Sunghoon suddenly realized what he was doing and with whom. Laughing, chatting with the guy he had a crush on for a long time about his sexuality was not on his bingo list, but he would settle for this even so.

So, they continued to play the game for an hour. Sunghoon learned a few personal things about Sunoo and his life, things people were careful not to share while they proudly proclaimed that he was a slut, information Sunghoon would have liked to know before anything else.

He learned that Sunoo had one older sister, to whom he was close enough for her to know everything about his life, Sunghoon wished he had someone to talk to when he was feeling down, but even that, his parents could not give him.

He also learned that Sunoo did his first time at 16 years old with an older man, Sunghoon didn’t want to psychoanalyze him or anything, but it made a lot of sense, and from the look in Sunoo’s eyes he understood that it wasn’t a story for today.

And of course, Sunoo learned about Jang Wonyoung.

“Wait wait… so you are telling me you only fucked with one person and it was Wonyoung? Like the Goddess?”

“You also find her pretty?”

“You’re kidding?!” Sunoo rolled his eyes, “I am gay not blind, I would turn straight for her.”

Sunghoon raised his chest in pride, he already knew Wonyoung was pretty-gorgeous, stunning, every adjective about perfection-but hearing it from Sunoo was so much better, music to his ears.

“I can’t believe you went out with her.”

“I can’t believe it either, she was so good and-”

The man hit his shoulders with his hand. “Ouch, why did you-”

“I wasn’t saying she was too good for you, just I thought…hum…that you had a lot of ex and not-not just her.”

“Oh.”

The tips of Sunoo’s ears turned red, he was so cute, so vulnerable. Sunghoon had a deja-vu feeling. It was like seeing him at his apartment when he laughed, thinking that no one wanted to get to know him, Sunghoon would be here to prove him wrong, it was like his confidence had broken, replaced by a man much weaker, a man that was all the contrary of the great Kim Sunoo.

And even this man, Sunghoon, wanted to know him.

“To be fair,” he started again after regaining composure, “I thought you were really into flirts and one-night stands.”

It was literally the complete opposite. At least, his attempt to bait Sunoo had worked. He laughed while Sunoo put his hands on his hips, the red came, this time, on his cheeks.

“Don’t laugh at me! It was just an impression, but now I know everything was false.”

“Anyway, my plan did work.”

Sunoo furrowed his brow “Which plan?”

Oh God, Sunghoon was the stupidest man on the planet earth, and he couldn’t even blame it on the alcohol, he felt better than a few hours ago.

Faced with his silence, Sunoo spoke up again “Tell me Sunghoon, I won’t make fun of you.” He took his hand in his, and stroked the palm of his hand with his thumb, this time it was his turn to blush.

Pull yourself together, you are acting like a Goddamn high-schooler!

“I…I just thought that if you believed I was like-like you… and when I mean like you I don’t mean-”

“Sunghoon,” he marked a pause, looking straight into his eyes, “relax will you?”

How could he relax when he was looking at him like this?

“I just thought that if you believed I was the Dom-Juan everyone thinks I am, you would like me more.”

“That’s stupid?”

“Yeah, now that I’ve said it out loud, it hits me.”

Sunoo smiled, as if Sunghoon didn’t just tell him he pretended to be someone else to seduce him.

“I appreciate the effort,” he laughed “but I don’t care about that, to be honest because of this I thought you only wanted to fuck so I’d follow up.”

“Didn’t the deal give you a hint?”

“Yeah,” his gaze went from his eyes to his lips, Sunghoon wanted to scream “After the deal, I started to think maybe you really wanted to know me.”

“But I do.”

He knew two things: first, he wanted to be closer to him. Second, if he didn’t kiss him within a few minutes, Sunghoon would faint.

“You know, it’s the first time someone is really interested in me.”

“I don’t understand how people can’t be interested in you.”

Sunoo exhaled and put his hands on Sunghoon’s shoulders, forcing him not to look down “The only thing I know right now, is that I want to kiss you so bad. Can I?”

At the beginning, Sunghoon didn’t want to tell everything to Sunoo, to reveal his big scheme, but at the moment, he felt so good as if he knew nothing would change.

Being with Sunoo was great, he didn’t feel like an outsider, like he was being shamed for who he was, what he did. Surprisingly, being with Sunoo was calm; it was comfort, peace, everything he had sought for all his life. Being with Sunoo was intense, he felt good, felt himself. Being with Sunoo was everything he needed and what he hadn’t expected.

Maybe it was the euphoria of the party, the alcohol in his body, or the fact that he had been unloved all his life, but if Sunghoon could choose, he would probably stay in this room forever.

“Of course,” he murmured, “you can.”

Sunoo quickly put his arms around his neck and crashed their lips together. The feeling was unknown to Sunghoon, a need he didn’t know he wanted, but he reciprocated in a second.

Sunoo’s lips were soft, gentle, as he felt them touch his own. At first, everything went slowly, Sunoo took the time to adjust his lips to his. His mouth tasted like strawberries, as if he hadn't just drunk alcohol, and Sunghoon let him take the lead. He suddenly moved his hands down to his chest then his stomach, sliding his hands under his top, and he felt a chill run through him, the coldness of his hands against the warmth of his chest, his lips asking over and over again, pressing them on his, without stopping. And then the kiss flared up, it was hunger, hunger and yearning, their teeth crashed together, and Sunghoon moaned when Sunoo bite his lip.

Then Sunoo left his lips to kiss his neck, sucking and licking his skin. And Sunghoon loved the feeling of being marked by Sunoo, owned by him, as if he was proud enough to mark his attraction. He suddenly felt hot in his shirt and it was as if Sunoo understood it because he took it off, continuing kissing his neck then his torso.

His torso thus exposed, Sunghoon felt as if he would explode, even more when, panting, Sunoo stopped and locked their eyes. Sunghoon passed his thumb over his lips, removing the saliva that remained here, they continued to look at each other and Sunghoon wanted to touch him, to feel his body, and again their mouths fused together.

This time, it was desperate, demanding. This time, Sunghoon touched Sunoo with his hands, groping his neck, and his chest, taking off his shirt. This time, Sunghoon took the lead, kissing his lips messily, using his tongue and biting his lips.

Sunghoon had never felt like this before, he felt gorgeous under Sunoo’s gaze, he felt attractive, he felt like he always wanted to be. It was so addicting, being kissed by Sunoo, touching him. Now that Sunghoon had a taste of the man, it would be difficult to not think about him every single day.

It would be difficult not to fall.

But Sunoo stopped kissing him, placed his hands on his torso, eyes piercing him again with their amber color.

“Can I touch you please?” he asked, his chest rising to the rhythm of his breathing.

They were now on the floor, beside the little table, Sunghoon’s vision blurred as he tried to look at him.

He answered, raising his brow. “Wasn’t that what you were doing?”

“No, no like this.”

Sunghoon didn’t understand and to be honest he didn’t care, he wanted Sunoo to stop talking, he wanted to kiss him again and again. On the floor, then on the bed. Everywhere it could be possible.

“How then?”

Sunoo looked at him like he was an idiot, and he certainly was, his hands went down dangerously and were now placed at the level of his belt.

“I want to suck your dick.”

Oh.

That was bold.

He should get used to it, Sunoo loved to tell the truth with harsh words.

“What…what about the deal?” It was the only thing Sunghoon could articulate at the moment.

“The deal?” Sunoo seemed to rethink his life’s choices, “Yes, the deal states that we can’t fuck, I don’t want to fuck you, it’s a kind of appetizer. And it’s on me, I am the one to propose.”

He kept looking at him, waiting for an answer and Sunghoon didn’t know what to do, what to say. Of course he wasn't against the idea, frankly he was rather in its favor. But he was afraid, afraid of losing Sunoo after he’d got what he wanted. What if he’d lie? And if he didn’t call him back? Acting like strangers again when they passed by each other.

No, Sunghoon couldn’t be a stranger in Sunoo’s life, not anymore.

It was far too late.

But he needed Sunoo so badly, he wanted him for him and him only. He couldn’t miss the opportunity, not now.

“Okay, if it’s on you, then, who am I to say no?”

Sunoo smiled at him, gave him a quick kiss and put his hands on his belt, removing it with care. They were both on their knees, shirtless, a little too horny and the only barrier between Sunoo and his dick was his boxers that he finally hastily removed. The man smirked, looking right at his dick with satisfaction, hunger deceiving in his eyes, liking the pleasure of being able to do what he wanted to him.

Then, he jerked him off, and it was already so good, a feeling Sunghoon didn’t feel for so long, very different from his self-satisfaction. Already hard from their making out session, Sunghoon felt hazy, intoxicated by Sunoo and his back-and-forth movements. It was more and more intense as Sunoo went faster and before Sunghoon could react, he took his dick in his mouth.

“Oh, fuck.” Sunghoon looked up, rolling his eyes.

Sunoo’s mouth was incredibly wet and hot around his dick, and he kept looking at him, straight in the eyes, locking their gaze without any shame.

That was probably what he liked most about him, his confidence and his I don't care attitude even in situations like this, even when he was sucking him off.

Sunoo bobbed his head at his own pace, taking a few more inches with each of his movements, and by reflex Sunghoon pulled his hair. He heard Sunoo make some guttural sounds as he took his dick in his mouth. It was sloppy, as if carried by longing, desire. Sunghoon moaned when Sunoo went more and more, until his dick touched his throat.

“Sunoo…” he said breathily.

It was a whole new sensation, saying his name at this moment. He sensed waves of fire entering his body as Sunoo continued to suck his dick, their eyes blazed when they met and Sunghoon wanted to explode. He wanted to cum and wanted to kiss Sunoo again.

He wanted to…

“Sunghoon? Are you here?”

He heard a voice coming from the door, accompanied by a sudden knock. Unfortunately, it wasn’t Sunoo or a trick of his brain, it was another voice, strangely familiar.

“Jay?” Sunghoon responded, trying not to show that he was about to come.

He wanted to get up quickly, put his pants back on and pretend nothing had happened, but Sunoo decided otherwise since he didn’t stop his action and took a malicious pleasure in continuing. Sunghoon glanced at him with fear, as if he wanted to ask him to stop because his motherfucking best-friend was just beside them, he could hear everything yet Sunoo didn’t care at all, he continued slowingly to suck him off, Sunghoon tried his best to not emit any sound. In fact, he was enjoying it a little too much.

“Man, could you open the damn door please? I need to talk to you.”

His quivering voice hinted that something had happened, Sunghoon wanted to help him of course, he was one of his best-friends but Sunoo was here and they were both so horny to stop anything.

“Could you just wait for a few minutes please?”

Sunoo raised a brow at the “few minutes”, Sunghoon waved his hand as a way of saying to not pay attention to his words, he just wanted Jay to leave for a moment.

“It’s really important, something happened.”

“What…oh fuck… what did happen?” Sunoo continued, he teased him as he licked the tip of his cock until precum showed up, Sunghoon felt as if he was overwhelmed, drowning with pleasure and excitement but tried to restrain his sounds since he knew his friend could hear everything.

“What the fuck are you doing man?” Even if his voice was muffled by the door, Sunghoon could hear all the quavering of his voice.

“I am just in pain, just wait.”

“In pain? Are you okay? Do you need help?” The fact that Jay offered to help when he was the one seeking help in the first place made Sunghoon feel guilty, he didn't deserve him at all.

He wouldn't take it to heaven, and anyway, considering what he was doing, heaven would probably not open its doors to him at all.

“I think I can break the door down.”

“Don’t need to break anything, hum..oh….yeah huh, just wait. Is it really an emergency ?”

Even if he was having a blast, he wouldn't let his friend in this situation.

“No,” Jay’s voice started to drift away, “It’s about Jungwon.”

Suddenly, Sunoo stopped his movements and looked at Sunghoon with his reddened lips.

“Jungwon?” he murmured enough so Jay wouldn’t hear it.

He heard Jay's footsteps going further and further away. Not knowing what to say, Sunghoon remained stoic, looking at Sunoo with a questioning look, then the man slapped him on his uncovered thigh.

“Ask him about Jungwon!” he said silently

“But you were sucking my di-ouch” Another slap made him shut him up.

Sunoo looked at him so hard that he knew that if he didn't call Jay back there won’t be any blow-job nor anything related to the man.

“Wait Jay!” he screamed for the man to hear it right, “What about Jungwon, what happened?”

Sunoo raised his thumb in the air as a sign of satisfaction, Sunghoon had never imagined any minute in his entire life that one day he would be naked on the floor talking to Jay through a door.

“You still can’t open the door?” Jay asked.

“I would love to but I don’t think you want to see me like this.” Sunoo placed a hand on his own mouth to muffle the sound of his laugh, thus Sunghoon stuck out his tongue.

“You scared me bro, I think you drank too much.”

“Me too.”

“So, yeah about Jungwon.” As Jay spoke, Sunoo started to kiss his torso again, Sunghoon felt aroused as he was always hard but he tried his best to concentrate and listen to him, “he came into the room where I was with Minjeong.”

“Loser!” Sunoo screamed mouth agape but Sunghoon crashed the palm of his hand on his lips to quieten the sound of it.

“Shhhh!”

“What did you say?” Jay asked.

“I said, “what bad luck!”” Sunoo asked him to continue the discussion with a wave of the hand, so he did because in the end, he was the loser. “And what did Jungwon say?”

“You know, it would be so much easier if you just let me in.” His friend said, knocking again at the door.

“And it would be so much easier if you hadn't been locked up with Minjeong, we all have our little secrets.” He answered back, again as a reward, Sunoo kissed his cheek.

Jay laughed, “Touché.”

Suddenly, Sunoo stood up and walked towards the bed, half-naked as he only had his pants on and Sunghoon wanted to join him, kiss his mouth until his lips hurt. He lay down on the bed, making himself at home.

“Well,” Jay continued, “Jungwon freaked out, and he thinks she is my girlfriend.”

Sunghoon also stood up since he waited for Jay to leave to join Sunoo, strangely he didn’t feel bad about being naked in front of him, he was so comfortable, maybe too much.

“So, what is the deal? Just send him a message telling him she isn’t.” He waited for Jay to answer something but the only things he could hear were sniffles, “And please, for the love of God, have a chat, I think you both need it.”

As if to approve his words, Sunoo nodded. Jungwon was probably as maniac as Jay, perhaps even more so in view of his past and his obsession with perfection.

“Yeah..okay, you are right. I’ll just send him a message and we will see.”

“Great.”

Jay cleared his throat. “Well, I’ll be off then.”

“Yeah, see you later, man.”

And after being sure to hear Jay's footsteps coming down the hall, Sunghoon threw himself at Sunoo's side.

“Finally, I thought he would never go.” Sunoo said.

“Me neither.”

Sunoo kissed him again, strawberry flavored against his lips. Sunghoon felt in heaven.

And he didn’t leave the room all night.

#

Sunghoon had only seen Jake cry three times in his entire life.

The first time, it was when Sunghoon told them about the incident, about what the coach had done to him. Sunghoon never thought he would talk about it with someone one day but this night he needed comfort and love, Jay and Jake were there to give him so.

Jake cried in his arms, murmuring some “I’m so sorry” and “You don’t deserve this” while he hugged him tenderly. Jay was less demonstrative, but the glow in his gaze betrayed his compassion.

It was also that night that Sunghoon understood Jake and Jay would mark his life forever.

The second time, it was during one of their parties. Jake was drunk and Heeseung wasn’t here this time to make out, preventing him from taking a bottle every time he felt lonely. But for an unknown reason, Heeseung’s absence wasn’t the only thing bothering him. All night long, Jake cried in Jay’s arms, apologizing for something he did. Jay often looked at Sunghoon with an “I don’t understand a shit” look which was true because nobody understood why he was crying and apologizing for.

Until the third time.

This time, Sunghoon left the party at 8am. As the owner of the house, he couldn’t leave before his guests, which was rude and also completely stupid. Who would leave his house to complete strangers, anyway?

Sunoo stayed with him until 5am, he helped him rearrange the house, cleaning the mess, and, of course, he kissed him as much as he could. He then left to join Riki and Jungwon who were probably asleep for a really long time. Sunghoon offered to bring him back, but the man refused, not wanting to abuse his kindness and took an Uber.

After paying attention that nothing was broken, and that everyone had left the house, he hid the keys for his wonderful parents, and when he returned to his apartment, he fell asleep in a second.

It was only at 2pm that Sunghoon woke up with a start, his head pounding and hurting so hard he thought he could throw up in a minute. But it was not his phone that woke him up nor a call from his parents telling him everything was okay: it was Jay.

Jay, the best roommate one could hope for–no offense to Jake, of course–Jay, the perfect friend, had just woken him up by shouting.

Oh, something was definitely wrong.

Because Jay was not just screaming Jake’s name, he was also banging against his door, from what Sunghoon could hear. The latter then, decided to get up and do what every good friend would do: meddle in the lives of his other friends.

He left his room to join the hall where Jake’s room door was, and then stood by Jay’s side.

“What the fuck is happening? You woke me up.”

Jay turned his hand in his direction, his eyes blazing with rage.

“The problem is that I am too kind with everybody while they treat me like shit.” He pounded on the door again “Open the damn door Sim Jaeyun!”

Sunghoon could sense Jay’s anger but it was more than this, it was disappointment and sadness as he could see in his foggy look.

“Okay, calm down, please.” His headache would not stop if Jay continued his madness, “Why don’t we just sit down for two minutes and talk?”

“Oh yeah, just like I asked you yesterday when you told me some bullshit while you were getting your dick wet by Sunoo.”

“Excuse me? You knew?”

Oh God, his headache was not going to stop.

“Of course I knew! You think I am stupid?”

Yes, that was what he had thought.

Jay continued, “You were having fun, and the situation wasn’t that important, but I am saddened to see that I count less than a guy you’ve been talking to for a few weeks.”

“Listen, I am sorry I was drunk and so happy and-”

“Please shut up, we’ll talk later. I have something more urgent to deal with.”

He pounded on Jake’s door again and again, and Sunghoon just stood there, not knowing what to do. Jay was right, he had been a dick with him yesterday, but it seemed that Jake had done even worse. Sunghoon was wondering if Jake was there in the first place, he couldn’t hear a sound from his room, it was either he was dead or he didn’t want to be noticed by Jay, maybe both after all. But, a few minutes later, while Jay was still shouting, he suddenly heard some sniffles muted by the door.

As a confirmation of Jake’s presence, Jay pounded even more on the door, “Don’t be a kid Sim and face your responsibilities, you knew this day would come, didn't it?”

And Sunghoon was still fucking lost, everything was finally good for him, he kissed Sunoo, spent a good time with him and now his best-friends decided to fight for something he didn’t even understand.

Could his life be normal for a bit?

“Jay,” he rubbed his shoulders. “what happened?”

His friend stopped pounding for a moment and turned his head in his direction, “He did the worst thing he could ever do to me.”

Naturally, Jay walked over to the couch to sit down and put his head in hands, Sunghoon sat by his sides, still rubbing his shoulders.

“You know…” he started avoiding his gaze, his eyes turned on the other side and Sunghoon knew him so well to understand he didn’t want him to see Jay crying, “you know how important Jungwon is for me.” Sunghoon nodded, everyone knew it, nobody could deny Jay was still madly in love with him. “I always thought he never cared about me as much as I did. He stopped talking with me for a silly fic I wrote for his birthday and it had been two fucking years.”

Yeah, this was as stupid as his plan to conquer Sunoo.

“And I waited for him to make the first move. I have some pride, you know, and I was definitely not wrong. Still, Jake is one of my best-friends. "He marked a pause then breathed “was… I don’t know. He has known me for four years, knows everything about Jungwon and I, knows how bad I felt when we stopped talking and even with our history, he stabbed me in the back. Jungwon sent me a message and told me-”

“I didn’t stab you in the back.”

They suddenly raised their heads in the direction of the voice. Jake was watching them, eyes red from crying in his bedroom and Sunghoon felt so bad. He wanted to hug him but Jay was still here and he also needed his support.

Jay stood up, walking dangerously towards him. “And what do you call the fact that you didn't tell me that Jungwon wrote me a letter of apology right after our fight?”

Okay, maybe he didn’t deserve this hug.

“I wanted to protect you!” This time it was Jake who was shouting.

“Protect me from what, exactly? Happiness? Peace? Love?” Every time he spoke a word, he got closer and closer to their roommate, so Sunghoon had to stand up in case things got out of hand.

“No, I wanted to protect you from him.” Jake was on the verge of crying again. Usually, Jay would have taken pity on his friend, but this time, Jake had crossed the line. “He wasn't good for you. He hurt you in so many ways. But you were so blinded by love you didn’t notice it. You needed a break. He needed to change.”

“Oh please, one psychology class and you think you know everyone!” He laughed, crossing his arms over his chest. “And who are you to decide what is healthy or not? You did this out of pure jealousy.”

“Jealousy? Are you kidding me? I am not jealous. I just wanted your happiness.”

Jay seemed outraged by his attitude, mouth open and eyes crinkled, as if every word spoken by Jake was a bunch of lies and poison. Sunghoon didn’t know what to do. Should he give them some privacy? Listen to them? Take sides? He was standing just beside them in case things turned sour, but what could he do? It was none of his business, and sometimes his mind wandered away from this conversation and his headache to a young man with pink hair.

Jay continued, “Jungwon was my happiness, he had maybe flaws, but we could work on it. You are jealous because you… you are still following Heeseung like a dog, waiting for him to love you back, and he won’t and you know it! But you still do it even if it’s not healthy. Stop acting like your relationship is perfect.”

Jake’s eyes darken, and he looked at Jay with so much anger that Sunghoon felt out of space, “Shut up, don’t talk about Heeseung.”

“Oh, hell yeah I am gonna talk about him, he was my best-friend, I know him as long as I know Jungwon, and you” He pointed his finger on Jake’s torso “you speak about Jungwon without knowing him.”

“Guys please…” Sunghoon started, but Jake interrupted him. “I know him well enough to know he was bad for you.”

“You hate Jungwon just because he and Heeseung don’t like each other that much.”

“So, you think I can’t think by myself? That I can’t dislike someone on my own?”

“Exactly.” Jay marked a pause. Sunghoon saw his face morphed, into something deeper, something meaner, a feeling he never had seen in him. He wanted to hurt Jake, and Sunghoon sensed that this was the point of no return, that no matter what Jay would say, the situation could never change. “Do you know why Heeseung couldn’t stand Jungwon?”

Jake didn’t respond, maybe because he didn’t know it himself and that was what hurt him the most, because he was supposed to know everything about Heeseung. He was supposed to be close to him enough to know this.

“He was jealous of him.” Jay looked Jake straight in the eyes before continuing. “Because Heeseung was in love with me.”

It looked like Jake had seen death with his own eyes, his pupils were empty of emotion and he just shook his head from side to side. “Stop with your bullshit.”

“Oh, you don’t believe me? Go and ask him then.” Jay answered back, “Heeseung was in love with me!” He amplified the “with me” with so much rage and anger, “That was why we stopped talking for a few times, because he knew I was in love with Jungwon and he wanted to protect himself.”

But as a simple answer, Jake bursted into tears, his body trembling with spasms. “Shut the fuck up!” He walked towards the front door to leave the apartment.

“Not so fast Sim Jaeyun!” Jay screamed and ran after him, and before Sunghoon could even react, they both were out of his sight.

The man wanted to follow his two best-friends, to arrange the situation, but it seemed mission impossible. Jake had to redeem himself, and they needed to talk without screaming or insulting the other.

Sunghoon loved them both so much. They were so much different but so important to him. He couldn’t live without Jay’s kindness, without his loyalty, his will to help everyone. He couldn’t live without Jake’s joyfulness, without his determination, his will to please everyone.Sunghoon couldn’t live without them both. They were a group, a squad, and nothing could separate them.

But lost in his thoughts, Sunghoon almost didn't hear the notification on his phone.

sunoo

sunghoon, are you awake?

can you bring me some medicine please?

my head is gonna explode

jungwon and riki are on their way to class

i can’t ask them

sunghoon

of course

i’m coming

sunoo

you are so sweet

thank you a lot

you remember where i live :)

Although, Sunghoon could be stressed all day long about Jake and Jay, it won’t change a thing. So, he might as well spend a good time with his crush.

Hence, he ran to Sunoo’s apartment.

#

When he arrived in front of Sunoo’s apartment, he knocked three times before the door opened.

“Sorry,” Sunoo said after opening the door. He had dark circles around his eyes and a glassy look, but even like this, he was still beautiful. “I fell asleep and didn’t hear the first time you knocked.”

“Don’t worry” He shook the bag he was holding. “I’ve got your medicine.”

“Thank you so much. Come in!”

Sunghoon followed him into the apartment, and it looked exactly like he remembered . It was cozy and cute with a lot of personal touches, posters about K-Pop, K-Drama and motivational quotes. It certainly looked like some pinterest inspired home, and was as sophisticated as Sunoo.

“Sorry about the mess. I am too sleepy to clean.” He said before sitting on the couch, and Sunghoon joined him.

“You know, my apartment is worse.” Sunoo laughed and asked him if he wanted to drink something, which Sunghoon politely declined. He was feeling too bad and knew that if something got into his system, he would spit it out. Then, remembering the purpose of his coming, he gave him the bag of medicine and Sunoo took one with the glass he had prepared before on the coffee table.

Sunoo smirked, “Thank you again. This party killed me.” Naturally, Sunghoon remembered what they did yesterday, how Sunoo touched him with his soft lips, how he electrified his whole body with his hands and how pretty his moans were. He wished he could do it over and over again, the feeling was too good to be forgotten.

Then, Sunoo put his head on his shoulder and settled down, “You have to go to your class? I skipped mine.”

“I don’t have any today.” Sunghoon cleared his throat as if he only remembered their proximity.

“Perfect. Do you mind staying with me and watching a movie?”

How could he refuse?

“No, I would love to.”

So, they watched a movie and first Sunghoon was very agitated, his thoughts were mostly perverted by last night, and each time Sunoo touched him by accident, he imagined hundreds of scenarios. Thankfully, they were watching Harry Potter, a movie he knew by heart, because he did not listen to anything, too plunged in his thoughts and preoccupied by the position of Sunoo, at least if this latter asked him a question he could answer it without too much difficulty.

Yet, after the fantasies and recollection of last night came the fear, this heinous fear that he had done something wrong. He knew Sunoo’s reputation, knew he loved having sex and after what they did, he never mentioned it again, nor tried to make a move. Sunghoon was wondering, like anyone with very low self-esteem, if he had done something wrong.

Maybe his kisses were bad, abominable, the worst that Sunoo had. Maybe, his past-experiences were so good that Sunghoon seemed so clumsy next to them. Or perhaps Sunoo had a problem with the size of his d-

“Sunghoon, did you fall asleep?” Sunoo muttered.

“No…no sorry, why?”

“I asked you a question, and you didn’t answer me.”

“What is it ?”

“It’s silly, don't worry, nothing important.” Sunoo laughed, and Sunghoon wanted to say that when it was about him, nothing was silly, but he didn’t want to sound creepy or mushy. His crippling fear of losing everyone. “I just wanted to know your Hogwarts House.”

Sunghoon chuckled, getting closer to Sunoo and resting his head on his. “Jay asked me the question once. You know he is kind of a geek. He forced me to take some tests, and they all put me in Hufflepuff.”

Sunoo intertwined their fingers together, and Sunghoon wanted to scream, to die, he wanted to thank Jay for every single test he had him do, and God, he was going to combust. “Yeah, that’s something Jay could do.” He laughed, “I knew you were a Hufflepuff. It suits you.”

“Because I am stupid?” Sunghoon knew Hufflepuff’s reputation was not the most flattering; courtesy of J. K. Rowling.

“Hufflepuff are not stupid! They are kind, loyal, and dedicated. And trust me, coming from a Slytherin, it means a lot.”

What Sunghoon loved the most about Sunoo was not the unbroken attraction they both had for one another, not either his wonderful kiss, his plump lips against his. No. The thing he loved the most about him, about their “relationship”, was how Sunoo made him comfortable. He was so friendly, so endearing, Sunghoon could spend the day with him without seeing the time pass, without feeling even an ounce of anxiety. And the greatest part about this feeling was that he felt it was reciprocal.

“So, you think I am all of these?”

“Of course you are.”

And they stayed like this for the rest of the movie. Fingers intertwined, head of his shoulder, caress on his arms, Sunghoon was on cloud nine, he didn’t want to worry about what could go wrong in the future. He had always been a “enjoy the moment, worry later” kind of guy, and sometimes it wasn’t so bad.

Then, Sunoo changed his position and broke the contact, Sunghoon felt so empty without him.

Oh God, he was whipped.

“Sorry,” Sunoo said looking at his phone, “usually I don’t check my phone when I am with someone else but it’s an emergency.”

“Oh? Nothing serious, I hope.” He was truly sincere.

“I don’t think so,” he was typing his message so quickly that Sunghoon could hardly keep up his fingers, “Jungwon and Riki love to stress me out for nothing.”

Sunghoon tried to read over his shoulder, and he could swear he saw the names of Jay and Jake.

“What is happening?” Sunoo, eyes focused on the phone, tried not to show his surprise but Sunghoon could see it with the way his eyes were popping out of their sockets and his eyebrows were raised.

“Jay and Jake have fought in front of Jungwon and Riki.”

Sunghoon wasn’t very surprised but he was more afraid than anything. His friends couldn’t keep behaving like this, not when they were tied together, not when Sunghoon counted on them for anything in his life, not when they were his lifeline.

“They already did it before I got here.” Feeling the sadness in his voice, Sunoo stopped looking at his phone to lock their eyes together, his soft hand caressed Sunghoon’s hand and he felt a hot intrusive feeling.

“Sometimes it happens, if I had to count all the times I argued with Riki, I wouldn’t have enough fingers.”

Sunoo wanted to be reassuring but Sunghoon knew Jake’s and Jay's situation was more important than that, it wasn’t a simple fight over a silly thing, it was deeper, it had been taking root for some time, from even before Sunghoon met them, and this time Jay exploded, turning their bond into ashes.

He knew that this argument would have consequences, yet Sunghoon didn’t want to bother Sunoo with his thoughts and worries, so he just nodded.

“By any chance,” Sunoo started, an eye still looking at his phone, “is the fight about Jungwon?”

“Not at all.”

He sensed his cheeks turned red under the pressure, Sunghoon couldn’t reveal everything to Sunoo, even if he trusted him, even though he knew he had no ill intent. This story was private, a cruel thing between Jake and Jay.

"You are a terrible liar Sunghoon.” Sunoo laughed, he didn’t seem to hate him for not wanting to share everything, and it reassured him. “But Riki already knows it’s about Jungwon.”

“How does he know?”

“So, it’s really because of Jungwon.”

Sunghoon heard Sunoo’s tinkling laugh echoing in his head as if to tell him “you can’t keep a secret.” and yeah, he was stupid enough to be fooled.

“Don’t worry,” Sunoo showed his hands to prove his innocence, “I won’t ask you anything more, it’s their story. It’s up to Jake, Jay and Jungwon to sort it all out.”

Sunghoon nodded, “You are right, I just hope Jake and Jay will talk again.”

“And Jay and Jungwon as well.” Sunoo added.

They both stopped talking about it, not wanting to ruin the mood. They weren’t together to keep bringing their friends’ business up. Sunghoon needed to clear his mind, near Sunoo he felt soothed, as if the impetuous sea was calming down. It was exactly what Sunghoon was looking for, peace and quiet, which he had found in Sunoo, but it was more, it was also trust and support, kindness and joy. He felt calmed by his side, enough to let his guards down.

So, as time passed, they watched the first three Harry Potter movies, so close to each other that Sunghoon could smell Sunoo’s shampoo, sense his breath on his ear. And they fell asleep without realizing it.

#

The day after, Sunghoon woke up before Sunoo and left the apartment not forgetting to send him a message to let him know he couldn’t be late for class. As usual, his classes were boring and he spent the rest of the day thinking about Jay and Jake, hoping that they had worked things out. He hoped he could see them happy and reconciled, chatting about how stupid they were, and apologizing to him for almost breaking whatever sanity Sunghoon had left, and, of course, their bond.

But what he had imagined was far from reality.

One hour before going home, Jay sent him a message, it was the first time they talked to each other after the whole fight. Sunghoon wanted to leave him alone for a moment, waiting for him to make the first step because he probably had enough on his plate.

my real mom

hi!

i don’t know where you slept last night but i hope you are okay

i’m sorry about yesterday, i’ve put my nerves on you

even if you really thought i was stupid

nevermind

i’m not going home right away

i’m gonna talk with jungwon and try to settle things up

yeah finally lol

and it will give enough time for our other roommate to finish to pack his things

love u <3

Sunghoon almost cried reading all his messages. First, Jay was so sweet for apologizing to him even if he was the one who had been a dick. But also, he couldn't get over the fact that Jake wasn’t going to live with them anymore. It couldn’t be possible, Jake couldn’t leave them after this whole year together.

His heart clenched in his chest while he read Jay’s messages again and again, hoping he would say everything was a joke and that they both waited for him to celebrate their reunion.

It took him over an hour to type a response back.

sunghoon

hello

i’m still sorry about what i did at the party

you are the greatest friend, thank you again

also i’m happy for you and jungwon, i hope

everything will go well, you’ll tell me about it

love u more <3

He didn’t make any comment on Jake, because he couldn’t tell Jay he was sad whereas he was the one who wanted him gone.

So, Sunghoon did what he was best at, hiding his feelings deep inside of him and swallowing what his heart wanted to say, it had always been his role.

my real mom

yeah about jungwon

i’m in a bit of trouble LOL

sunghoon

wdym???

Well, Jay seemed panicked as he wrote at least seventeen messages to Sunghoon. To make it fast, he was in big trouble. Really big trouble.

As he read on, Sunghoon realized that this was the most catastrophic situation he had ever heard of.

The situation was as follow:

Jay didn’t stop writing since he wrote this fic to Jungwon, which ironically broke their friendship.

He published the last chapter of his most popular fic one month ago.

He discovered that, of course, because destiny was shit, Jungwon was one of his loyal readers.

Blue (alias Jay’s writer name) started to talk with Jungwon acting like he didn’t know him.

After Sunghoon’s party, Blue sent a message to Jungwon and that was how Jay discovered the letter.

Blue had invited Jungwon to settle things up.

Jay was in deep shit.

It made Sunghoon feel better because even his most intelligent friend made the stupidest choices.

sunghoon

indeed, you are in big trouble

don’t worry, i’ll make us dinner to cheer you up

i might make some soup in case he breaks your teeth

my real mom

haha so funny

see you later <3

Then, Sunghoon put his phone in his pocket, and his things in his bag, and because it was the end of the course, he headed to his apartment, heart pounding in his chest.

He hoped not to miss Jake before he left. Jake, the one who helped him a lot during this year. Jake, his bisexual awakening. Jake, who helped him talk to Sunoo. Jake, who deserved happiness.

He also had a thought for Sunoo, who was probably alone in his apartment, or in class. He wanted to see him again, embraced him to put his pain away. He even hesitated to send him a message, saying he missed him so much he wanted to run back to his apartment, but he didn’t want to sound mushy, they were just friends. Friends who kissed during parties, friends who touched each other, friends who played a fucking deal.

Don’t forget the deal.

To be honest, Sunghoon hadn’t forgotten the deal, it was always in the back of his mind, like a reminder, a threat, that everything was all fake. But he had let himself succumb because everything had been too captivating and heady, because Sunoo was there and he could not refuse his proposition, not refuse his hands on his body, his lips on his.

Now he started to regret it.

Because Sunoo’s presence wasn’t a want anymore, it was a need, and Sunghoon didn’t want to fall too easily.

And, when he finally got home, he walked out the door, dropped his bag on the floor, ready to face Jake.

As expected, his best-friend was packing his stuff. A bunch of bags and some boxes in the hall made the access more difficult, but Sunghoon still saw Jake’s brown hair between the two of them. Jake was crouching on the floor, trying to gather his things.

“Do you need help?” He asked, crouching down to be at Jake’s height.

Jake looked at him, surprise reading on his face because he probably hadn’t heard him come in.

“Thanks.” he answered, so Sunghoon started following what he was doing.

But Jake wasn’t his usual self. He did not make any jokes, nor talked at all. He remained silent as he packed his things, cleaned his room. The only moment Sunghoon heard the sound of his voice was when he asked him to carry some boxes downstairs.

Sunghoon didn’t dare to talk, didn’t dare to ask him to stay. The words were stuck in his throat, rolling on his tongue. Everything just seemed so bad, so rushed.

“Okay, I think we are good.” Jake said, putting the last box in front of the front door, “I can’t take everything, but I have bed and furniture where I go.”

Sunghoon asked. “Where are you going?”

He couldn’t let him go, he wanted to ask him so many things. Jake seemed different, as if a haze of gloominess had swallowed him up, his sparkless gaze caught his, and he gently placed his hand on his shoulder.

“Taehyun and Beomgyu let me live with them until I find an apartment, they have a guest room.”

“What do you mean until you find an apartment? What about us? It’s only temporary, right?”

“I don’t think it is Sunghoon, that’s the problem.”

Sunghoon felt his eyes stung, Jay would forgive him, he was sure of it, he hoped he would, he wanted to.

“But what about me?” he murmured, as if he was afraid of the answer.

Jake ruffled his hair with his hand.

“You are just a child of divorce, but don’t worry, we can always see each other if you want.”

“Of course I want to.”

His friend smiled and imprisoned him in his arms. Sunghoon tried his best not to cry. It felt too much like a goodbye, but Sunghoon wanted to trust him, to believe in their upcoming reunion. Jake slowly pulled him away and looked at him again.

“I have to go before he comes back.”

Sunghoon knew it wasn’t his fault. Of course, Jake had his problems, his little Heeseung syndrome, his fear of being unloved and alone. So, he couldn’t ask him to stay. It wasn’t his place; it wasn't his role. Surely, Jake needed time to assimilate all his mistakes, to figure out how to redeem himself. And Sunghoon would give him enough time to do it right, to be the better version of himself.

“Love you, bro.” He said because it was true, because he needed to know some people loved him.

“Love you too.”

And with a wave of the hand, and a small kiss on his cheek, Jake left the apartment, leaving Sunghoon alone again.

That was how Sunghoon’s dream life broke into pieces.

#

Weeks passed and Sunghoon felt dazed, as if everything around him was just a dream, an illusion, a phase. Jake was gone, far from him and Jay, far from everything they had experienced. He felt nostalgic as he remembered everything they did in their apartment, the countless discussions about their past, their love lives, the Mario Kart sessions, and their nights of laughter. Jake’s absence was a spectre haunting them, it was hard and strange, and Sunghoon felt the coldness and the melancholia invading his whole being.

But after a time of silence, Jake contacted him again. He asked about him, about Jay, and Sunghoon knew he wanted to ask about someone else–about Heeseung since they were in tension with each other because of the whole fight–he could sense his name rolling on his tongue, Jake was afraid to ask so Sunghoon gave, he gave the answer to his silent questions. Everything made sense, Jake felt better, liberated, soothed, so Sunghoon could only be happy for his friend.

And even if something had broken, other things had settled.

Thankfully, Jay and Jungwon had explained, apologized and made up. It seemed like everybody was relieved. This fight had lasted too long, and now Sunghoon and Jay, but also Heeseung, could spend time with Jungwon, Riki, and of course, Sunoo, without any problem.

Sunoo.

Lost in all the dramas and his feelings, Sunghoon couldn’t be with Sunoo as much as he wanted. They sometimes texted at the end of the day, just to complain about their classes and classmates, they smiled at each other when they passed in the corridors.

But there was nothing concrete, everything was meaningless. Sunghoon wanted more. He could not stop thinking about the feeling he had at his last party. This well-being, as if life was without problems, without any shadow. He had to take the lead. He was the one who wanted, desired Sunoo. He, who had proposed this stupid, and binding deal.

So he would take the first step.

And thanks Jay and Jungwon for their reconciliation, because one day, they all ate together in the cafeteria and Sunghoon could finally talk with Sunoo.

“So, Skinny ass.” Riki started to say. He had a mouthful of rice and wasn't even careful not to spit it out. “How was your day?”

He sounded like a 40-year-old dad, even though he was the youngest of the squad. Sunghoon had noticed the kid wasn’t really happy to see him, maybe he was worried about his intentions with Sunoo, acting like a big brother, always spying on his deeds and actions with a side-eye, and Sunghoon was very scared of him and his attitude.

“Riki!” Sunoo slapped his arm, “Respect him, he is older than you.”

“Blah-blah-blah! Bullshit, you are older than me, but I don’t respect you either.”

“But you should!” Jungwon said, sitting next to Jay, who nodded gently.

Sunghoon looked at Heeseung, asking for some help, because Riki seemed to only listen to him, acting as if he was his official tutor or something. They had created a huge bond, a connection, you'd think they'd known each other all their lives.

But Heeseung completely ignored Sunghoon’s silent help, moving his ramen with his chopsticks, tirelessly with a lost gaze. He was on another planet, a planet far from this cafeteria, and far from all this teasing.

“I’m just asking because,” Riki said again, this time looking straight into his eyes. “for someone who wants to get to know Sunoo, you’ve been pretty quiet the past few weeks.”

Time stopped, the younger man halted eating, waiting for a move, a reaction, a sound coming from his mouth. But Sunghoon didn’t know what to say, he knew Riki was right, this kid was too brave, he had no filter between his brain and his mouth. Every one of his insane thoughts wasn’t a problem for him to tell. He was part of the kind of people that Sunghoon feared, admired, the kind of people who always stood for what they loved and believed in. But also, he knew Sunoo waited for his answer as he suddenly locked his eyes with him, his amber burning Sunghoon whole, like he wanted to read any answer to the question.

“About that… hum” Sunghoon said, hesitating on which words to use, but thankfully, like the savior he was, Heeseung helped him out, suddenly awakened from his silence.

“Leave him alone Riki.”

He had never loved Heeseung this much. Sunoo stopped looking at him and turned in Jungwon’s direction. Sunghoon could swear he saw some disappointment on his face because he had lost his smile and was pouting.

“Okay, sorry, I’ll leave Hoon alone.” Riki said, sulking, and now he looked like a kid.

“Hoon?”

It was the first time he heard somebody calling him that way. It was cute and nice. Having a nickname showed a certain liking for the person, so coming from Riki, it was a surprise.

“Hoon, that’s how Sunoo calls you.” Sunghoon saw Sunoo’s tips of his ears turning red. He was hiding his mouth with one of his hands, slapping Riki’s shoulder.

“Yeah, I suppose I called you Hoon one or two times.”

“No, you always call him Hoon and-”

Sunoo threw his hands in the air. "Please Riki, know when to shut up.”

Then, Riki nodded and started to eat again, paying attention not to meet Sunoo’s eyes. The latter was rubbing his temples so hard Sunghoon was afraid it might hurt him in some way. He tried to catch his eye, but it was a lost cause, so he touched his shoulder slowly and moved closer to his ear.

“So,” Sunghoon smirked, “you call me Hoon, that’s cute.”

“Oh, shut-up !”

He laughed, maybe too hard because now everyone was looking at them, and this made Sunoo blush even more.

“You know Riki was right, I'm such a coward sometimes.”

“Sometimes?” Sunoo emphasized, “you sure?”

“Yes, okay, I am always a coward and even more so when it comes to you.”

It was about time Sunghoon made the first step. He wanted Sunoo, wanted to be close and more. He wanted to know him, and was yearning for more proximity, more contact. So, Sunghoon came closer to his ear, whispering just for the man to hear, a few words he wanted to tell, to ask.

“Do you want to go on a date with me tomorrow?”

The question was simple, there wasn’t any hidden meaning, it was clear, but Sunghoon was afraid. Sunoo could laugh in his face, telling him he had lost his chance, that he waited for too long and that his stupid deal was no longer relevant.

Surprisingly enough, Sunoo just smiled. A smile so bright that it made him shine even more, Sunghoon wanted to seal it with his lips forever, he wanted to make him smile that way every day if he could, if Sunoo wished for it.

“I was waiting for you.”

And if they weren’t in the middle of the cafeteria, with his friends, Sunghoon would have probably kissed him right there because he missed the taste of his lips, missed the pure joy he felt during his party, missed the sincerity they shared when he came to his apartment.

“Tell me what you want to do, and we will.” Sunghoon was so close to him, he could almost touch his shoulder with his lips, if the fabric did not prevent it. On one hand, it was for his own good because he didn't know if he could control himself from touching his skin, and they weren’t alone. But being with Sunoo was addicting and pleasing.

“Can we go to the beach?”

“As you wish.”

And as they came out of their bubble and turned to their friends to participate in the conversation again, Sunghoon noticed Riki's suspicious smile, as if he had bionic ears that allowed him to hear everything they had said to each other, and all his thoughts.

God, this kid was scary.

Then, out of nowhere, Sunoo put his hand on his thigh, caressing him slowly and Sunghoon fought the urge to scream, but as a kind of game, Sunghoon wrapped his arm around his waist to bring him closer to him.

It was good, being closer to Sunoo. It was funny, like a secret shared between them. Nobody seemed to notice what they did. It was intense, what he felt.

When it was finally time to go to their other classes, they all greeted each other and Sunoo smirked.

“See you tomorrow.” He murmured, and Sunghoon didn't have time to react, as he went to join his two best friends. Sunghoon stood there for many seconds.

Shit, he was in trouble. It was too late.

He had already fallen.

#

On the way to the beach, Sunghoon tried his best to focus on the road. He was the driver, so he had better get there before he caused an accident and killed them both. And he couldn't die before being with Sunoo, anyway.

But Sunoo was so pretty like this, the sun bringing out the pink of his hair, the sparkle in his eyes, his gentle smile he loved so much. So sometimes, as any decent human would, he was tempted to look at him for a split second.

“You should watch the road.”

Okay, he caught him red-handed.

However, there wasn’t any malice in Sunoo’s voice, any fear. It was more like a hidden mischief, as if he loved the way Sunghoon was obsessed with him, the way he couldn’t stop looking at him.

“Don’t worry, I am a professional driver, darling. When Sunghoon pilots, nothing can happen.”

Sunoo laughed, “God, you are such a himbo.” seeing Sunghoon’s sulky pout, he quickly continued, “I love himbo.”

“Of course everyone does!”

The atmosphere remained the same for the rest of the journey. Sunghoon stayed focused on the road and sometimes checked on Sunoo and he could swear that sometimes it was the young man who looked at him. Sunghoon loved spending time with Sunoo, the date hadn't officially started yet; but he was already having fun. It was teasing after teasing, fights about who would play the next music.

“Taylor Swift again?” Sunghoon roared when Sunoo started another song, “I wasn’t a hater, but I will reconsider.”

“I’m sorry. It’s not my fault if her last album is a masterpiece.”

“Folklore is her masterpiece.”

“Oh, you are a Taylor Swift specialist right now?”

Sunghoon smirked. “I've been living under the same roof as Jay for a little over a year. I can't even count the number of times he cried in his room while listening to this album.”

“Okay, let’s listen to Folklore then.”

So, they swayed their heads to the music, singing the words together. When Sunoo touched his forearm, Sunghoon saw from the corner of his eye that he was singing as he looked at him. He was having a wonderful time, as if all his problems disappeared just by being with him because it was so easy, so calm.

Finally, they arrived at the beach–isolated from the world–an unknown place Sunghoon knew thanks to his parents. It was the only place they would take him when they wanted to pretend they were exemplary parents.

“It’s a pretty place.” Sunoo said as soon as his feet touched the sand, he had removed his shoes just before getting out of the car. Sunghoon did the same and carried the bag containing their beach towels and a picnic he had prepared beforehand–in fact, he had asked Jay because his cooking skills were too bad to pretend to do something mouthwatering– they were already wearing their bathing suits on them, Sunghoon was so disappointed that Sunoo also had a top because he could have looked at him with impunity.

“My parents used to bring me here sometimes.” Sunghoon followed Sunoo’s steps, and they settled in the middle of the beach, far enough so that the waves wouldn't reach them. The feeling of the sand on his feet was strange. Sunghoon had not returned to this place for years. He breathed the fresh air with anticipation. He wanted this date to be perfect, as if being with Sunoo would erase the terrible memories he had.

“You must really love this place, then.”

“Not really.” Sunoo looked at him, mouth agape. Sunghoon knew he felt bad, but how could he know? He didn’t want to make him stressed and overthink about what he said, so he continued. “Don’t worry, I don’t care. Plus, I want to spend a good day with you. We’ll talk about our traumas later.”

He meant it as a joke, but Sunoo giggled, “Oh God, I have a lot to say about it.” And Sunghoon wasn’t afraid of sharing things with Sunoo, it was actually quite the opposite. He felt a strange warmth embracing his chest, and he looked at him with the biggest smile on his face.

“Okay Sunghoon,” he suddenly stood up, “let’s go see if you are as good a swimmer as you are a talker.”

So, Sunoo ran in the water, and Sunghoon followed. During his frantic race, he laughed, because it was senseless, different, a wind of freedom that animated him. Sunghoon felt good, free, independent, something he had never been, something he had always wanted.

Sunoo was freedom, two destinies linked to push each other upwards.

And the sudden coldness of the water on his body did not prevent him from swimming towards him. Sunoo was splashing him, not wanting him to sink him or carry him.

“I’m a good talker and an excellent swimmer.” Sunghoon said after trapping him in his arms, Sunoo pretended to struggle, and he knew it was fake because he did not put all his strength into his movements. Sunghoon kept him close to his chest, so much that his head was on it, Sunoo could surely hear his heart beating wildly, because Sunghoon could hear it in his ears, the resonance too strong. And it was a subtle mix between adrenaline and joy, between peace and calm.

They stayed quiet for a moment, appreciating the silence of the place, the tranquility that was so rare in their daily lives.

“You won.” Sunoo said, still close to him, yet Sunghoon could smell his sweet vanilla perfume because of their proximity.

“I always do.”

Out of the blue, Sunoo moved away and went into the water, not without a smirk on his face, as a way of asking him to do the same.

And of course Sunghoon did, because it was Sunoo, because he’d follow him everywhere if he could. Underwater, he closed his eyes, relaxed and confident, waiting for the moment Sunoo would join him, would touch him, showing him he was there beside him.

But Sunoo did it in the most unconventional way.

Sunghoon felt lips against his, a little smack at first, gentle, and Sunghoon wanted more, needed more, so he tried to touch Sunoo, putting his hands on what seemed to be his waist, and when he brought him closer to him, Sunoo kissed him again.

All his life, he had been sunk, belittled, by his parents, by his problems in general. Someone helped him. He had been always on his own, seeking for love and happiness, seeking for all he needed. All his parents didn’t let him be.

But now, even if he was underwater, he never felt more alive. Each time he felt Sunoo’s lip against his, it was as if he was breathing again. His lips were so soft, so kissable, he would stay there for a long time if he could. Despite that, they both needed air, and they came to the surface. Sunghoon did not remove his hand. He wanted to touch him again, and Sunoo didn’t seem to care. He was looking at him with sparkles in his eyes.

“We should go eat,” Sunoo said, and Sunghoon lost himself in his lips, “I’m sure your food is delicious.” Even though Sunghoon didn’t want to leave him, to leave their proximity, he nodded, and they both came out of the water to sit down.

Thankfully, Sunghoon–Jay– had thought of everything, so they had drinks, food and sweets. Sunoo was smiling so hard while eating that Sunghoon didn't regret forcing his best friend to cook for two hours, it was well worth it.

“The onigiri are so nice.” Sunoo said, covering his mouth with his hand so that Sunghoon couldn’t see him eating. “You are an excellent chef.”

“This is one of my many qualities.”

Sunoo smirked. “Which qualities are you referring to?”

“Aren’t you the one who said I was kind and loyal?”

“How do you remember that?”

“I have a pretty excellent memory, another one of my many qualities.” And Sunoo laughed, he was laughing so much that Sunghoon could see he was holding back tears.

Sunoo acted as if this was perfectly normal, as if their relationship had always existed.

Even if he pretended everything was fine, Sunghoon was lost. He wanted to talk about their kisses, about what they did at the party. About them. He was afraid Sunoo might be playing with him; Jay and Jake told him about Sunoo’s vision of love, and he said it himself the first time they saw each other.

So why was he looking at him with a glint in his eye? Why was he touching him? Was he kissing him? Why was he doing everything so that Sunghoon would fall, succumb, and become affected by his touch?

Because Sunghoon wanted it to be real, he wanted him so much. More than what he wished for, more than the deal would give him.

Once you found everything you had hoped for all your life in one person, you couldn’t let them go. All his life, Sunghoon had been craving for touch, for gratitude. A gratitude for what he had sacrificed, his youth, his dreams, only to please a so-called family. He had been craving for love, a love that would teach him how to love himself. A love; a way out of all his problems.

Sunghoon wanted to love. He wanted to know what it felt to love and to be loved back. And Sunoo, wonderful and joyful Sunoo, was the perfect candidate.

But why was it so difficult? Sunghoon craved Sunoo’s attention, just a word, a phrase that would give him a hint about his needs and wants.

He wanted to tell Sunoo how he felt, that maybe wasn’t love yet, because Sunghoon never loved someone. He feared this feeling as much as he wanted it, but he knew he could, in the near future, since it was so easy being with Sunoo, love him. He knew he was about to fall in love; he was falling; he was just waiting for the impact, the crash.

“Sunoo–I…” Words were stuck in his throat, preventing them from going out. And Sunghoon didn’t know what to say. Sunoo looked at him, with an incomprehension reading on his face. He stopped eating to concentrate on him.

To give him courage, as if aware of what he was going to say, Sunoo took his hand in his, and Sunghoon felt safer.

“What do you want to say?” he asked, as if it was easy, as if Sunghoon wasn’t being tortured by his own feelings.

It was more a need than a want if he had to be sincere. A need to get out of his emotions, to protect himself.

“I don’t know…Don’t worry, it’s nothing important.”

What a lie. He had probably ruined their first day with his stupid emotions.

“You sure?” He insisted, and Sunghoon nodded. He needed to stop being perfect before he fucking lost it.

It was because of this kind of thing that Sunghoon could only fall. Sunoo took care of him, he did everything to soothe him. Sunghoon was so weak for this man.

Sunoo continued, “If you don’t have anything to say, then I should talk.”

This time, it was Sunghoon who was confused. He arched an eyebrow, but didn't stop himself from touching Sunoo, his hand still in his. And the young man gave him a bright smile.

“Of course, just go on.” Sunghoon grabbed another one of these delicious onigiri, and ate it to distract himself. Bloody anxiety.

“I wanted to thank you for everything,”Sunghoon was about to speak, to ask him why he was thanking him when he should be the first to do so, but Sunoo waved his hand to prevent him from cutting him off. “I want to thank you because you have been so nice to me even though you knew my reputation, what people thought of me, and it may sound stupid, but I just needed to tell you how much it means to me.”

“But this is normal Sunoo, nobody can judge you.”

Sunoo grabbed his hand even more, his touch a way to thank him for his good words. Sunghoon would say it a hundred times if it allowed him to be closer, and it wasn’t like he didn’t deserve it.

“A lot of people aren’t as nice as you are.”

“I have more qualities than I thought.” Sunghoon said, to appease the tension, and it seemed to work, Sunoo laughed again, and he moved closer to him, their shoulders touching. For a few minutes, they looked at the sea, calm and soothing. Sunoo was surely waiting for Sunghoon to talk, to say what he didn’t say earlier, but it was too late. He didn’t want to ruin the mood, to ruin Sunoo “thank you”, his kind words that transcended him.

That way, their first date wouldn’t be a disaster.

“You know,” Sunoo continued, “it’s been a while since I have this slut reputation.”

“Since when?”

“I think the turning point was when I was 16 years old.”

“God, you were young.” Sunoo turned his head in his direction with a piercing look. “But it’s not a problem.”

He answered, “It’s because of my parents’ divorce. It marked me, haunted me for years, it was the only version of love I had.” Sunghoon nodded, he understood it so well, his own parents didn’t love each other, they just pretended, and they didn’t even love their own child. “I always thought I only deserved harsh love, pain and fights. Then I met Gunwook.”

“Gunwook?” Sunghoon asked with a puzzled tone and a burning sensation in his chest, jealousy.

“You remember when I told you about my first time with someone older than me?”

Sure, Sunghoon remembered, it was during the party, when they were together and played never I have ever, he remembered it too well, the same jealousy he felt, it was probably envy, he wished he had met Sunoo before, it could have been so much better.

So, he nodded and Sunoo continued “I just met him after my parents’ divorce, it was my first relationship, he was older than me and…”

“How old was he?” Sunghoon interrupted him, the question burning his tongue for too long.

“24.”

Silence pounded, as if Sunoo knew it wasn’t normal, because of course it wasn’t, he was too young and this man just took advantage of him. But Sunghoon couldn’t blame Sunoo, he had not been in his place, had not been able to understand what had pushed him to put himself with this scumbag, and then of course, he was young, naive. So, he moved even closer to him, comforting him, whispering to him to continue and Sunoo did, because they always listened to each other, because it was their habit.

“We were in love, or at least I thought. He took everything from me, I would walk away from everyone just for him, I almost lost my friendships with Jungwon, Riki and even Jay because of him just to find out he was married and his wife was pregnant.” Sunghoon balled his fists, he wanted to beat that guy up and force him to apologize. “He didn’t assume he was bisexual, so he fucked me and left me when I discovered everything. So, I was thinking that maybe I was just an object, someone you can’t love. And I played with it, I played with the image he had of me. I acted like someone who doesn’t want love, doesn’t need it. I lied, I am just a human, I wanted love, I wanted security.”

As Sunoo spoke, some tears came to stray on his cheeks, Sunghoon wiped them with his thumb, and put a kiss on his skin.

“Now, everyone thinks I’m like this, that I don’t do love, that I just crave touch but it’s not what I want, that’s what people think I want.”

Sunghoon wanted to give him all the love he needed, all the love he had looked for all his life. Because he wanted it too, maybe it was destiny, maybe they needed to meet to help each-other out.

“We don’t care about what other people think, the most important thing is to know what you want. Don’t act for other people, I know it’s easy to say, but you live your life for you.”

Sunoo smiled so hard, smiled as if he wasn’t about to cry, as if he hadn’t told him an important part of his life. Sunghoon wanted to tell him about his life too, he wanted to tell him about his past, because he knew Sunoo wouldn’t judge him, he was too pure and too kind. He knew Sunoo would be an important part of his life, or at least he would do anything in his favor for it to be true.

“Thank you so much Sunghoon.” He said in the hollow on his ears, Sunghoon stopped himself from kissing him, considering it wasn’t the right time, he was weak and fragile. “I feel like I ruined the date.”

“No–not at all.” He had to get this idea out of his head, “Dates are about candor and trust too.”

“You are the nicest.”

And Sunghoon didn't have time to answer when Sunoo suddenly got up to run into the water, not without a last look in his direction, a call to join him.

Of course Sunghoon did, because he would always do what Sunoo would tell him.

It was for their own good.

#

Days passed and unfortunately Sunghoon’s obsession with Sunoo seemed to grow even bigger than before. He thought about their date at the beach at least once a day–not to say more–during classes, at home, even during his facetime with Jake. He remembered details about that day, he remembered how good he felt, how peaceful it was.

Sunghoon was also proud to have been Sunoo’s confident because it meant he trusted him as much as he did.

Also, with these wonderful feelings came the unbearable fear that maybe, maybe, Sunoo was playing with him, and he wanted to trust him, he wanted it so much. He wanted to trust what he had told him about his past, about how thankful he was.

Because it was too good to be true, because Sunghoon was not used to being this happy in his life.

“Life is about ups and downs, so sometimes it’s normal if you are happy. You deserve it, Sunghoon.” Jake said to him one day during one of their calls, he was looking like the shadow of himself and had some big dark circles around his eyes, but Sunghoon didn’t make any comment on it even if he kind of felt bad for throwing his happiness in his face.

“I know but–”

“There is no but ! Just go with the flow, you can’t live in expectation of tragedy, you must enjoy the present.”

Wow, one month away from each-other and the guy was acting like a freaking psychologist.

And when Sunghoon cut the call, he went to Jay for another advice, just to be sure that he did deserve happiness, he believed that Jay would agree with Jake, because Jay was the one who understood him best, because he was rational and empathetic but surprisingly enough it was quite another thing.

“Be careful Sunghoon. Sunoo might be nice but you haven’t told him about your feelings yet, he could freak out.”

That wasn’t the advice he was hoping for.

Jay was sitting on his bed, his computer resting on his legs, he didn’t even take the time to look him in the eyes to focus on whatever the hell he was doing. He was probably writing some fanfiction because now that he was friends – lovers– with Jungwon again, he spent the entire day in his room, alone or with him, writing something Sunghoon wasn’t allowed to read yet.

“I know how Sunoo is.” Sunghoon answered, a certain anger stuck in his throat, who was he to talk about him like that? “But he felt we have some connection so I don’t know what he would freak out about.”

“Listen Sunghoon,” this time he lowered his computer to catch his eye, “I would have warned you, don’t forget what I told you about Sunoo. If you want to try something it’s up to you, but if it goes wrong, don’t be surprised. Also, I will always be there for you, whatever happens.”

“Oh, I hope Jungwon dumps you.” He said, rolling his eyes. Sunghoon wasn’t serious, and Jay knew it. It was just that his advice didn’t help him at all, it just made him doubt even more.

Jay laughed. “We aren’t together yet, but it’s only a matter of time.”

“Ew, people in love.” He said, pretending to choke, which earned him a pillow in the head.

“Get out of my room, you ruin my writing muse!”

And with that, Sunghoon left the room with a laugh and joined his own. He tried to focus on his homeworks, but his thoughts were far away. He thought of sending Sunoo a message to invite him on another date, maybe it could be the perfect occasion to talk about them, about what they meant to each other.

But it was like Sunoo was a mind reader or something because he sent him a message first.

sunoo

when were you going to tell me you are a former figure skating athlete ?

sunghoon

hello to you too

i had a splendid day thanks for asking

sunoo

jay told jungwon who told me !

you can’t lie anymore !

sunghoon

actually I didn’t lie to you

i just didn’t tell you about it

sunoo

why omg it’s so cool

i love figure skating so much

sunghoon

really ?

sunoo

yeah darling

please can we go skating tomorrow?

i’m inviting you

i want to see your skills omg

and of course it’s a date

Okay, so actually Sunghoon didn’t care if Sunoo knew about it. It wasn’t a big deal. Sunghoon wasn’t even angry at Jay or anything, he didn’t try to hide it in the first place. It was something that didn’t feel important and he was happy to see Sunoo’s enthusiasm. He really did.

The problem was the date.

Not that he didn’t want to see Sunoo at all – he wanted to invite him first – it was just that Sunghoon did not skate since the incident, he didn’t even try to do it because he was so afraid to catch a glimpse of memories, he was afraid to be petrified.

But Sunoo wanted to do it, he wanted to see him skating, and just this thought made Sunghoon feel butterflies in his stomach.

Oh, he was down bad.

sunghoon

okay, your wishes are my command

sunoo

i love when you talk like this

see you tomorrow then

<3

And Sunghoon felt a pressure in his stomach, something burning him whole. He didn’t perceive if it was the passion coming back or the waiting for a certain disaster.

But he would be with Sunoo, so everything would be perfect.

Right?

#

Sunghoon felt his hands slip off the steering wheel. They were sweaty from stress and he opened up the window to breathe again. On his side, Sunoo was singing some songs and talking about his daily life, Sunghoon tried his best to stay concentrated. He wanted to avoid losing bits of conversation but his thoughts were focused on what could happen when they’d arrived at the ice rink. For safety purposes, Sunghoon had chosen one where he had never been, just in case his brain couldn’t support the complex feeling trapped between nostalgia and the urge to scream.

But with Sunoo on his side, he felt at ease, as if he was at the right place, thus he tried to not think so much, to just enjoy the moment and breathe.

Breathe in, breathe out.

After fourteen songs–Sunghoon counted them all–they finally arrived at the place. Thankfully, there weren’t many people so they didn't wait in line to pay very long, and they settled down to put on their ice skates. Sunghoon helped Sunoo put his on, tying his shoes, his hands trembling in anticipation, Sunoo then gently put his hand on his shoulder, and smiled at him.

“Are you okay?” He asked and Sunghoon suddenly remembered that the first time they met, he had the same friendly tone, as if his words could calm him down, and in a strange way they did.

“Don’t worry,” he stood up on his skates and took his hand, “let’s do it!”

It was more like a personal encouragement than a response to his question but Sunoo didn’t notice and joined him on the ice rink.

At first, it was strange like reuniting with an old friend, a friend to whom he had suddenly stopped talking to because of the pressure, because of the anxiety he felt. The same friend he remembered sometimes with memories filled with sadness and pain, happiness and nostalgia. Now, he was embracing him again after a long time, the coldness of the ice paralyzing his skin, or was it the stress, the joy, the pride of being able to do it. Or was it Sunoo, enjoying the skate with him, not letting go of his hand.

And Sunghoon breathed and breathed again, he breathed on his skates, showing some figures to Sunoo, as a way to prove his talent, Sunoo clapped each time his feet touched the ice, each time he gladly looked at him. Sunghoon felt the pride invade him completely, a long-lost feeling he thought he could never have felt again.

He was actually proud of himself.

“You are so talented.” Sunoo finally said after Sunghoon landed beside him. “I wish I could skate.”

“You know, you are quite talented too.” It was true, Sunoo was pretty good for someone who never took any ice-skating lessons, he was able to stand on his feet without any help and could go around the rink several times without falling.

“Sure,” Sunoo said, smiling from the compliment, “but you are talented and passionate. It’s even better.”

Sunghoon furrowed a brow. “What do you mean?” They were now sitting on the stage in front of the ice rink, resting. Sunghoon had lost a lot of stamina since he stopped ice skating.

“It’s just that you seemed so happy to skate. You were smiling so hard, I have never seen you this happy before. So, why did you stop ice-skating?”

Sunghoon opened his mouth to speak but no words came out, they were stuck in his mouth, rolling on his tongue, teasing it, burning it all. Sunoo asked something so simple so why was he not able to answer?

He wanted to tell him everything, just as Sunoo did with him at the beach but maybe it was too soon, it was too much pressure to put on someone else’s back. He thought about Jay’s words, about how Sunoo wasn’t like him with relationships and feelings, and how easily he could leave him alone. He would probably tell Sunoo one day but not today. So, Sunghoon kept his words to himself and just gave him a simple answer.

“I didn’t have much time with College and my life in general but I should definitely try to come more often.”

“I’ll come with you.”

“No problem.”

Sunoo stood up and went back to the rink then stared at Sunghoon “Watch me and tell me if I do something wrong please, I really want to improve my skills.”

Sunghoon raised his hand high enough for Sunoo to see him over the transparent barriers, and raised his thumb in the air. The man started skating around the rink, Sunghoon was in awe of Sunoo’s skills as he was doing well, very well even. He felt like he was at one of his first skating classes, Sunghoon had been the same way. He had the will to progress, to improve.

Finally, Sunghoon did not regret coming there, sharing his passion and learning to love it back.

Sometimes Sunoo stopped to see if he was still watching him, like a child who wanted to show his progress, and it made Sunghoon smile and laugh. It made him feel good, and he stood up as well to join him.

But before Sunghoon could put his feet on the ice, he heard one voice calling him, and it wasn’t Sunoo since he was far away from him, making circles on the ice, it was a feminine voice and one he knew very well.

“Sunghoon?” She repeated again, and he turned around to face her.

“Ryujin!” He answered with the least enthusiasm possible “What are you doing here?” And it was the greatest question he could ask because she wasn’t supposed to be here, because he had meticulously chosen a rink far from the old one so as not to run into any former comrades.

Ryujin had been one of his comrades. She had always been gifted–not as much as him of course–but his departure must have been a blessing for the young woman, who could surely take the first place. They were not friends, but they had always maintained a good relationship despite the competition between them.

“I’m here because I give some skating lessons, it helps me pay for mine.”

Sunghoon remembered Ryujin was coming from a poor family. She was so passionate about ice-skating–like he used to be–that she wanted to make it her profession, so she always worked different part-times jobs to pay them. Sunghoon had always been quite admirative.

“Oh!” He answered, wanting to finish the conversation as soon as possible to avoid any weird questions, “I hope you are doing fine.”

“In fact, I should be the one asking you this.” She said with a tone that did not please Sunghoon at all because she seemed to feel sorry for him as if she knew something and she wasn’t supposed to know anything, nobody was supposed to know.

“Just don’t.” He was angry, fulminating because with what right was she allowed herself this kind of innuendo.

“I want to know if you are okay Sunghoon, that’s it ! Everyone wants to know.”

“Why does everyone want to know how I feel? Why? Nobody used to care about me so what has changed?” Sunghoon gave a bitter laugh, clenching his fists so hard in frustration they almost turned red. Ryunjin slowly walked away, showing the palms of her hands as a sign of peace.

“Listen Sunghoon,” she spoke calmly like she would do with a child, Sunghoon hated this feeling, the vision she had of him. He wasn’t a fucking child, he could take care of himself alone like he had done in the past few years. “I know what happened. Everyone knows it. You were not the only one.”

He felt his heart beating so hard in his chest, as if it was going to explode. What did she mean by that? In fact, the most problematic thing at the moment was that she seemed to be aware of what happened. She kept looking at him with pity, trying to decipher his mind, and Sunghoon would prefer to die than let her perceive his emotions. He never wanted to see her again in his life.

“What are you even talking about?” He said, always denying anything.

“Sunghoon please, don’t act like I am stupid.” she touched his arm and he broke away from the contact immediately.

“Don’t touch me!” He screamed this time, and a lot of people seemed to hear him because the rink was silent, time seemed to stop because of their conversation. Sunghoon heard more and more the beating of his heart in his ears, his throat tightened while he could not swallow his saliva.

Panic seized him before he could react.

“I’m sorry Sunghoon, it's just that I want you to know that I am here for you, we are all here for you.”

“Don’t talk about something you don’t know about.” He tried his best to not scream, to not get the attention of others.

“I understand it Sunghoon, you are not her only victim, she has done this to others, some of my friends.”

Sunghoon thought about her friends, about his former comrades, some of them were probably some victims too and he had never known it.

Because they hadn't quit skating, they hadn't run away at the first opportunity like he had. They hadn't given up. Sunghoon wanted to explode.

He was so weak.

And without being able to control them, his tears ran down his cheeks, his hands were shaking and Ryujin felt so bad that she didn’t dare to approach him.

“Sunghoon?” he heard, and this time the voice was reassuring, kind. He saw Sunoo leaving the rink to advance in his direction, he looked worried and gazed at Ryujin with rage. “What is going on?”

“Do you know him?” Ryunjin asked.

Sunoo opened his mouth, shocked.“I should be the one asking, who are you? We were on a date so your seduction attempts are useless.” He crossed his arms against his chest, not taking his eyes off her.

Sunoo thought Ryujin was hitting on him, and he seemed to be jealous. Even knowing this, Sunghoon couldn't calm down, the tears kept flowing and Sunoo finally noticed and stepped forward.

“What's going on?” This time his voice was calm, he touched Sunghoon’s arm, and he welcomed his reassuring warmth.

“I want to go back home.” he murmured enough for Sunoo to hear him, the latter didn’t even ask why, for which he was extremely grateful. Finally, Sunoo took his hand in his and he led him towards the exit, passing Ryujin as quickly as possible.

But the woman called Sunghoon one last time, and he didn’t want to look at her. It was already hard to stop his tears, to look Sunoo in the eyes and face his worried gaze.

“Please Sunghoon, listen!” He saw Sunoo turn his head, giving her a bad look, if a look could kill, Ryujin would be dead right there and now.

But it didn’t stop her as she continued to follow them, and Sunghoon sped up his pace, trying to push Sunoo to do the same, he didn’t want Ruyjin to speak, to say all she wanted to say because he knew, he knew damn well it would probably cause some damage in their relationship. From now, he owed Sunoo some explanations but he could always get out of it, denying the unbearable truth but if she continued her speech he could be too late.

“She is dead!” She screamed enough for both of them to hear, she kept following them and Sunghoon suddenly stopped. He stayed impassive for a moment, trying to calm his oppressive panic, Sunoo squeezed his hand even tighter, he understood it was his way of giving him courage and telling him I am here for you.

“The coach is dead.” Ryujin continued as if it hadn’t been clear enough. “She died last year in a car accident, that’s why we discovered everything she had done to you and the others.”

And without letting Sunghoon react, she stopped following them and turned back. Sunghoon stood still for a few minutes, Sunoo looked at him with fear and questions dancing through his gaze, the man was probably lost and Sunghoon could understand. Now, he knew that he couldn't lie anymore and that was what hurt his heart, and made his throat become drier and drier, as he felt the urge to scream, to cry. He wanted to disappear in the abyss, spiraling into a new world. Sunghoon didn’t want Sunoo to pity him, to feel like he should be nice to him because of the assault. He knew his vision of him would definitely change. People often looked at him like he was a child when they learned what he had been through plus Sunghoon didn’t know how to feel about her death.

Was it normal to enjoy someone else’s death?

Because that was how Sunghoon felt at the moment, as if the weight of his back had disappeared.

“Let’s go home.” Sunoo said, wiping off one of his stray tears, “I’ll drive this time.”Sunghoon nodded and they both walked towards the car.

On their way to Sunghoon’s apartment, they stayed silent. There was no music nor conversation, it was weird knowing Sunoo’s personality and how much he hated silence but Sunghoon appreciated the gesture, he probably acknowledged his angst and wanted to make him feel good. It was also a good thing because it allowed him to think about what he would say to him, how he would talk about his coach and everything she had done. He knew he wanted to spend a long time with Sunoo, rightly so he needed to be as sincere as he could be with him, and Sunoo was there in good times and bad ones.

Then, when they finally came back home, Sunghoon felt the emptiness of the apartment suffocate him, Jay wasn’t there – he was probably with Jungwon again–so he was on his own with Sunoo.

Naturally, as if their legs controlled them, they walked towards Sunghoon’s room. They both lay down and Sunoo brought him gently closer to his chest, which was soft and sweet, thus Sunghoon felt protected in his arms.

So, he burst into tears.

And Sunghoon explained that day, when Lee Hanbit took everything from him, from his dreams to his self-esteem. He explained everything in detail while Sunoo rocked him with tenderness a little more with every one of his words. Sunghoon told him how much he felt insecure, how much his body disgusted him during the first year, and how much tears had flowed. He told him about the anxiety, the feeling that kept tickling his stomach when he was talking to other people. He described his long desire to run away or die, his need to find friends to help him. He talked about the forums he joined for any information, talked about Jake and Jay as the lights that he had found in this madding darkness. He talked, talked and talked more, with tears rolling down his cheeks, with Sunoo listening to him, and it felt just good.

Sunghoon didn’t feel ashamed by any of his thoughts or words because, as usual, Sunoo seemed to care about his opinion. He made him feel good, and for the first time in his life, Sunghoon really felt like the assault wasn’t his fault, he felt it in his whole being.

Because Sunghoon could trust him with his life if he could. The man didn’t seem to look at him differently, and he continued to cuddle him so hard that a warmth came over him, or was it a feeling of complacency, of reassurance.

He wanted to stay there forever.

“You’ll stay with me, right?” he dared to ask, his voice still reduced by the emotion.

But Sunoo didn’t answer him, and he pulled him even closer to him until his head was completely on his chest. And Sunghoon dared to speak, dared to ask again because Sunoo probably just didn't hear what he said. That was the only reason.

“Sunoo, you’ll stay with me right?”

Sunoo sighed, and it wasn’t because he was pissed off or upset, no. Sunghoon recognized an emotion he knew all too well, like taking a breath of fresh air before the anguish, like protecting himself from spoken words.

“Everything will be alright, I promise Sunghoon. Just sleep.” So, Sunghoon did, because Sunoo asked him to, because Sunoo always wanted to protect him.

And when he woke up the next day, the bed empty and the apartment cold, he cried again.

Reminder: Sunghoon hated solitude.

And Sunoo was gone.

#

sunghoon

why did you leave ?

sunoo???

tell me you are coming back

—

sunghoon

what did i do ?

is something wrong with me?

sunoo please

—

sunghoon

please it’s been a week

at least tell me something

i thought we had a thing beyond the deal

sunoo

yes but just

forget about me sunghoon

it’s better for the both of us

good bye

sunghoon

are you kidding me?

everything was perfect

what happened for you to change your mind

sunoo???

#

Sunghoon had not heard from Sunoo for three weeks now. Actually it was since their last date, since Sunoo left him alone in his apartment without answering his stupid and silly-romantic question.

God he hated himself so much at the moment.

The first days, Sunghoon was devastated. He spent his days crying in his room, remembering the good times with Sunoo as if they were together for years and had three kids and a labrador. Jay, like the best-friend he was, sometimes came into his room with food and tissues, and with a I told you so look on his face that Sunghoon wanted to rip off with his bare hands, he didn’t need to remember how much his judgment on Sunoo was wrong.

Because who the hell left someone without any notes or messages just after he told him about his assault?

So, it was natural that after the pain and the tears came the unbearable rage. Sunghoon had been really nice to Sunoo, he never looked down on him because of his past, he never criticized his feelings or how he handled things. Sunghoon had always been perfect in his attitude, he wanted Sunoo to feel great and protected, and when it was his turn to ask for pity and compassion the only answer he received was abandonment and ignorance.

And Sunghoon hated being treated like shit, like nobody, and so he drank and drank because it was the only thing to do to pass the pain.

Because Sunghoon finally understood that he was actually in love with Sunoo.

It took him too much time to get into it, so the timing was mediocre. This was one of the reasons why his grief did not pass quickly, he felt like he had taken three steps backwards as if all his progress, all his improvements were useless.

Alcohol in his veins, regrets in his brain, Sunghoon took his phone and decided to speak out. Again. All his life he had remained silent in front of all his mistreatments, in front of everything his parents did to him. He had always been silent, and had never dared to let his anger explode.

But today, that would change.

sunghoon

you pieceeeee of shitt

u re pathetic

acting like you are good

but you are bad, really bad!!!

sunoo

???

sunghoon

don’t play dumb!!

you are the worst

you dumped me because i was assaulted

Sunghoon let the alcohol speak for him, because it was true that everyone told the truth when they were poisoned by this liquid.

sunoo

god

i’m sorry

it’s complicated

Fuck Sunoo and his stupid excuses.

sunghoon

nothing is complicated

u re jst baddddddddddddd

i hate that i love u

sunoo

you really think that’s why i stopped talking to you?

bc you were assaulted ?

Thankfully Sunoo was too nice or too dumb to not react to his mid love declaration.

sunghoon

yesssssssss

sunoo

are you drunk?

sunghoon

^^

sunoo

oh god i’m coming

Sunghoon waited for half an hour in the living room, the alcohol had had enough time to eliminate itself from his body, and now he was shaking with anxiety, waiting for Sunoo to come. Hopefully, Jay wasn’t there to see the mess that he was, so they could have the apartment to themselves to talk. Sunghoon had a lot to say, a lot to scream to his face. He felt like shit, like he had been used and replaced, like a fucking nobody.

But Sunghoon loved Sunoo so much, and that was what hurt him the most. He loved his temperament, how strong his traits and beliefs were. He loved how Sunoo stood up for everything he believed. Sunoo cared about others while he didn’t pay attention to how they perceived him.

Sunoo was so nice, so good, so endearing. Sunoo was perfect, he was what Sunghoon always wanted to be, strong and independent. Sunoo was his dream and his reality. He was the only person he wanted to be with.

Sunghoon broke his shell just for him to crash him down.

Suddenly, he heard a few knocks on the door, and went to open it. Their gaze met but Sunghoon didn’t see any of his sparks nor his smile, Sunoo looked at him with sadness and sorrow, looked at him as if he had seen death with his own eyes.

“Can I come in?” he murmured as if he was scared to provoke him.

He only nodded and opened the door a little wider, so he could come. They stayed a few seconds in front of the door, looking at each other, it was as if Sunoo was checking him, he looked at his eyes, his face and his body just to see if he was the same man he left three weeks ago, the same man with whom he had shared a lot of his secrets.

“I’m sorry Sunghoon if I gave you the wrong idea.” Sunoo started, and Sunghoon was glad he did it because he was too scared to speak first, to let his emotions take control over him. What if he begged him to come back? He deserved better.

“How could I have imagined something false when you just ignored me after I told you about my traumas?”

“It’s not what it looks like–Sunghoon I–”

“So, tell me what it is about then!” He had let himself be carried away by his emotions so much that the words had come out like a scream, thorny knives sticking in his heart and Sunoo looked at him with pain and teary eyes.

But Sunghoon should be the one crying, he was the one suffering. He didn’t understand how Sunoo dared to face him with these confusing emotions.

“I can’t make you suffer.” He said, avoiding his gaze.

“You already did.” Sunghoon turned away, and exploded with rage.“How dare you want to play the victim? The savior? Like you want to protect me? You fucking did the opposite!”

Oh, Sunghoon wanted to burn. And Sunoo looked at him with fear and regret, with an unknown fragility crackling his eyes. His hands trembling, Sunghoon didn’t want to stop holding back his feelings, he needed to talk, to let the venom take over him. Because he never did. Never has he talked to his parents like this, like he owned the place. Never has he dared to speak his truth. Unfortunately, Sunoo was the one to pick up the pieces that he had taken too long to collect.

“Sunghoon…listen it’s just that–”

“And you want me to listen to your bullshit story and your excuses. How can you excuse your mutism and silence? Do you know how hard it was for me to tell my story?”

“Please Sunghoon let me talk, I–”

But Sunghoon didn’t want to stop, for the first time in a while he couldn't let Sunoo tell him what to do. He let his tongue follow the stream of his consciousness with harsh words and hard truth.

“I’m just tired, Sunoo.” He had calmed down a bit and looked the man straight in the eyes, with the urge to make him understand all his frustration with one look. “I’m tired because every time I am the one who is forgotten, who is ignored. I am the one who is taken for granted and who, as soon as he shows his weaknesses, is mocked. And I can’t continue like this. I already lost one of my friends this year because of some backstories I couldn’t understand. Now that I am controlling the situation, I can’t let myself suffer, not anymore. I need peace and stability, not a constant fear hunting my guts.”

Sunoo seemed so quiet and calm, he stayed silent and only his eyes were able to talk, to share his emotions. He looked saddened and full of regrets, and Sunghoon lost himself in his gaze, because their amber color always called him.

“I’m so sorry Sunghoon that you think I did that only to break you.” He spoke slowly, as if he was talking to a child, as if he didn't want to hurt Sunghoon even more now that he was seeing the impact his act had on him, how deranged he was.

And Sunghoon felt insane, as if he was overreacting; Sunoo had just distanced himself from him for some reasons that he couldn’t explain because Sunghoon spent his time interrupting him.

So, naturally, after the sadness and the anger, came the culpability. Because Sunoo had the right to apologize, like Sunghoon had the right to be angry.

“What did you leave me? Sunoo? Why? We started to be really close, and you just left me alone.”He asked. Sunghoon felt like he needed answers because he had the feeling everything was his fault, that Sunoo left him on purpose, that he was cunningly waiting for the moment he would show a bad side of him, something wrong and atrocious, something he could use to explain his behavior.

Sunghoon’s world was spinning right in front of his eyes, and Sunoo wanted to stop him before he’d fall.

“I felt bad.” Sunoo answered while Sunghoon was hanging from his lips, trying to understand everything he had done. “You told me about your trauma and I couldn’t stop thinking about the party and what we did.”

“And how is it related?”

During the party, Sunghoon felt alive. They kissed and drank, sharing secrets and stories about friends and family, things they only said to people they trust. Sunghoon came across the fact that he could be himself with Sunoo, and naturally that was how he told him about his assault.

But the party went pretty well and they both had a good time. So, why would Sunoo want to link these two events together? Sunghoon didn’t want to equate the good and the bad, what they shared during this night and the feeling of dizziness he had when he saw his bed empty.

“Because you told me about your assault and about how hard it was for you to push her away, so I thought that maybe when I asked if I could suck your dick you didn’t actually mean it when you said yes.” Sunoo stopped for a moment enough for Sunghoon to swallow his words and their meanings.

“You think you assaulted me?” He said with surprise. He never thought about their situation like this, and he never saw Sunoo’s vision in the first place.

Sunoo nodded, looking at the floor intensively since he avoided Sunghoon’s eyes, “I feel terribly bad. It’s like I used you for my own pleasure.”

Sunghoon thought it was completely stupid because it was two different situations. Sunghoon loved Sunoo, he always wanted to touch him and feel his skin against his own. During the party, he was also struggling with the arousal, poor little man that he was. Sunghoon wanted Sunoo since the beginning, since he met him during this sickening party, and if it was not for the deal and his crippling anxiety, he would have jumped into his bed without a doubt. So, he didn’t understand how Sunoo could interpret this differently, were their dates not enough proof of how much he loved him?

“How could you use me for your own pleasure? I said I wanted it, didn't I?”

Sunoo nodded again, this time looking directly into his eyes, he seemed so fragile and attentive to his every move, as if he was afraid Sunghoon would show even a hint of stress. “You did. But what if you didn’t really mean it?”

“Sunoo,” he took his hand in his, caressing the top with his thumb, and in front of Sunoo's fragility, his anger flew away. Sunghoon was too weak for his own good. “I swear I wanted to do it. Everything we did together, I wanted to. And if I had to do it all over again, I would do it again without a second's hesitation.”

“You sure?”

“I am.”

Sunoo sighed, and Sunghoon let go of his hand.

“But,” he continued, “it doesn’t mean you can go like this, ghosting me like I am nothing, I felt like shit because I thought you were disappointed and you wanted to stop talking to me because of the assault.”

“Why would I do that? It’s some shitty behavior.”

“Yes, it is but you could have done it because you're not interested in me, I'm the one who was chasing you, the one who proposed this stupid deal to keep you close to me, out of jealousy, out of envy, because I didn't want to see you with someone else than me.”

Sunghoon let his heart speak for himself, because Sunoo deserved the truth as much as he did. And this time, it was Sunoo who took his hand in his, putting it on his chest, their close proximity made Sunghoon want to kiss him, he missed it, missed him so much.

“You know Sunghoon, I’m also interested in you.”

Sunghoon chuckled as if it was the funniest joke in the world, because it couldn’t be true. Sunoo couldn’t be interested in him as much as he was, because it was a dream that could never come true. And Sunoo looked at him no less that he was crazy or something.

“Why are you laughing?” he asked.

“You can’t be interested in me.”

“I’m more than interested in you, actually. I kind of love you a lot.”

“You what?” His words came out like a scream transcending the silence of the room, Sunoo stifled his laugh with the palm of his hand. Amused by his reaction, he looked at him with the same sparkles he missed so much.

“It’s so hard to say, you know. I've never said it to anyone, or even thought about it, felt it burning my chest.” He marked a pause, Sunghoon knew where it was going considering Sunoo’s attitude, he looked anxious and stressed, his hands hiding behind him. That was how he loved Sunoo the most, when he was vulnerable and not the usual role he pretended to play. “But right now, I’m feeling good, enough to tell you how I feel.”

“And how do you feel Sunoo? Tell me.”

He was nearly imploring him, Sunghoon needed to hear something good to supply the burning sensation in his chest and all his dazzling emotions. He wanted Sunoo to speak his truth because right now with his red cheeks and with his shifty eyes, he didn't seem to want to express himself.

Hesitantly, Sunoo fled his gaze for a few seconds, as if looking for a way out. And Sunghoon waited as he always did, waited for him to speak out, the words he wanted to hear for a long time, the same words that had resounded in him a very short time ago.

Finally, Sunoo exhaled and looked him in the eye, “I kind of love you Sunghoon,” and the latter felt his heart beating in his chest, a dream coming true, “I understood my feelings for you during this little break. But it’s new for me and I freaked out, that was also why I left you that day. I’m so sorry, you deserve so much better than me, you deserve someone who does not leave at the first annoyance. You deserve everything, Sunghoon.”

He looked at Sunoo with reinsurance in his eyes because Sunoo had managed to sweep away all his anxieties with his words. And Sunghoon felt great, felt good, he was no longer miserable and revengeful, he wanted to smile.

“Don’t say such silly things,” he said, “I deserve someone like you, everyone has their little flaws and I want to love you entirely, with your imperfections and your qualities.”

“But I left you.”

“Yes, you did.” Sunoo looked down to look at the ground again, ashamed of his actions, but Sunghoon took his chin and raised his head. Their eyes met and Sunghoon fought the urge to kiss him right then and there, his plump lips were calling him, he missed the sensation on his so much, calling it pure addiction.”And it’s not because you did it that I don’t want to talk with you, or love you anymore. We needed to talk. But I hope that later, when there are problems, doubts, we will talk about it without ignoring each other for weeks.”

“I was just afraid. Afraid of hurting you or loving you too much, much more than you. I have always avoided this so I don’t know how relationships work.”

“Me neither.” Sunghoon concluded, “But would you like to learn how it works together?”

Sunoo smiled again, like he used to do before, so Sunghoon smiled in return, proud of being able to finally talk, his anxiety didn’t control his body anymore and it was all that mattered.

“Are you asking me to be your boyfriend?”

“Maybe,” Sunghoon moved forward to be closer to his chest, “who knows?” He smirked just to provoke him and everyone who doubted him before, Sunghoon wanted to show the world how much he had changed, how strong he could be.

Because Sunghoon finally acknowledged that being redoubtable did not just mean being feared or admired, like he used to be. No, it was also about being able to make decisions of his own, following his own desires and purposes.

Sunghoon understood what it felt like to be alive, to follow his own expectations, not constrained by his parents’ choices or ambitions, not suffocated by his demons.

And all at once made sense, thanks to Sunoo’s impact in his life.

“I’m still sorry.” Sunoo said, with an ounce of sadness in his voice, “But I’m willing to change and to understand you better. I’d never have imagined that one day I would like to be with someone.”

“So, it’s a yes?”

“Maybe,” he smirked, “who knows?”

Sunghoon didn’t let him add anything more, as he crashed their lips together, catching his mouth in a kiss to which Sunoo immediately replied with the same desire, closing his eyes to feel the sensation even more. Sunghoon could still feel the same strawberry taste on Sunoo’s lips, mixing with his own, and in some way it felt great to share it, like they were some unique person, marking how much he loved him, how much he possessed him.

Sunoo locked his arms around his neck, sealing their kiss even more, and Sunghoon kissed him again and again, with the same vigor, adding his tongue and his hands on his waist. He felt hot, and he didn’t know if it was his arousal or if he needed to breathe again. But Sunghoon couldn’t stop not when Sunoo was that irresistible, not when he was within his reach. He kissed him until his cheeks turned red and they both gasped for air.

“Please,” he said between a few kisses, “my bedroom.”

Sunoo nodded and kissed him again, on his cheeks, on his neck, on his lips, walking towards the room with no hesitation in their movements.

Sunghoon felt as if he was coming back to life, regaining his ability to breathe. Sunoo was there, in his arms, kissing him. It was suffocating, exhilarating, pretty and desirable Kim Sunoo, with his pink hair and his red cheeks, the same Kim Sunoo of whom he had dreamed many times.

They quickly arrived at the bed, and both of them settled there, continuing to kiss until Sunghoon felt his erection, and Sunoo probably felt it too, since they were so close and he looked at him, his eyes darkening suddenly.

So, they stopped kissing, making eye contact while they were breathing. Sunghoon was on top of Sunoo, his thighs on both of his sides. They were close, so close Sunghoon felt dizzy because Sunoo was real under his touch, he was so pretty he didn’t want to stop kissing him.

And Sunghoon saw the glimmer in his eyes, the question pounding his mind probably wondering what they were going to do. The hardest part of their story is that he also didn’t know what they were going to do, he wanted to keep touching him, going further and further, feeling his skin under his touch, Sunghoon wanted to do everything with Sunoo, having him for himself, telling everyone he could love him like he deserved to be loved.

Also the desire, the flickering desire was transcending him, he had kept himself from touching Sunoo for so long that the reality of it became most surprising.

Sunoo brought his head closer to his ear, as if to whisper a secret that only Sunghoon could hear, “What do you want?” he teased him, and it was his last straw as Sunghoon could sense his erection growing bigger and bigger in his pants, he kissed him again, locking his hands in his.

“What about the deal? Do you really want to do it?” Sunoo asked, and even if he seemed concerned by his answer, he could also sense his desire and how much he wanted to sleep with him.

Thinking about it, if it were up to Sunoo, they would have slept together long ago and would have probably been complete strangers today.

“Fuck the deal anyway, I know you enough to know I want to fuck you right now.”

Sunghoon didn’t know where he got the courage to speak his desires out loud, but it felt good being carried by passion, by ardor, by his needs to be with Sunoo. The deal was a simple excuse to his fears, just to have him by his side while he gathered the force to pass over his traumas.

They kissed again, undressing each other at the same time, and this time was so different than during the party, now Sunghoon sensed another feeling harder and stronger than the desire he felt right there, he felt dizzy and wrapped around a haze of pure delight. He touched Sunoo’s chest with his hands, circling and kissing his nipples while he shivered around his caress. Sunghoon loved to please Sunoo and so he kissed every inch of his skin with no hesitation, from his forehead to his belly, he also touched him with his hand just to check out everything was real.

Then, Sunghoon took off Sunoo’s underwear, his hands trembling with excitement, not without checking on him before, his eyes pierced him so hard he could feel his excitement as well. But Sunghoon remained silent and immobile in front of his naked body, not knowing what to do. He dreamed about this moment for so long, but the dream and the reality were two distant things and he was now paralyzed by his fear, his non-existent experience was a constant problem.

“Is something wrong?” Sunoo asked, straightening up on his elbows to be able to look him in the eyes. “If you don’t want to do it anymore we can just stop.”

“No, this is not the problem.”

Sunoo tilted his head to the side, “So, what is the problem then?”

“I…I don’t know how to do it.” The revelation of his problem made him blush and Sunoo went into a fit of uncontrollable laughter that earned him a pat on the thigh, “Are you making fun of my insecurities?” Sunghoon asked, not really affected.

“Sorry, you are just cute.”

“Stop saying I’m cute.”

“You know, it’s not really complicated, do to me what you would like to be done to you.”

“What if you don’t like it?” Sunghoon asked, this time really concerned.

“It’s our first time together, it can’t be perfect and it’s okay.”

“Okay…okay I’ll try.”

Sunghoon kissed him one last time, before going down on his dick, he wanted to give him pleasure, as much as he did during the party and he started jerking him off, seeing Sunoo’s moving with each of his movements.

So, Sunghoon took his cock in his mouth, trying to take everything he could, he sensed Sunoo’s gaze upon him as if he was checking him and what he was going to do, the latter bit his lip while Sunghoon slid down on his dick more and more until he couldn’t take it anymore, his lack of experience showed the difference between him and Sunoo. Well, Sunghoon tried the same things Sunoo did to him before, knowing it won’t probably be as good as him, but he tried, wanting to hear his moans and feel his body shaking under his touch.

“Sunghoon, you are good.” Sunoo moaned, pulling his hair and it gave Sunghoon enough courage to continue like this.

And it was messy and sloppy, but it was not less exciting since he felt Sunoo’s precum coating his tongue, the taste still unknown to him excited him even more, his erection stronger, as he returned the favor to Sunoo.

“Let me do it for you.” Sunoo said when Sunghoon pulled his dick out of his mouth. He took his underwear off and started jerking him off, and also took his dick in his mouth.

Sunghoon could sense Sunoo’s experience in his movements, trying to see what he was doing, learning them. He felt good, hot, and he took his dick further and further until he felt it on Sunoo’s throat.

“Ah… fuck Sunoo. It’s so good, you are so good.”

Sunoo continued more until Sunghoon almost came, he licked the precum on the top of his dick and this vision was probably the hottest thing Sunghoon had ever seen in his entire life

Then, Sunoo locked their eyes together again, he was so hot as Sunghoon caressed his cheek, his lips swollen and reddened by his actions.

“Now, let me guide you.” He said, placing himself on his knees, “Do you have lube and condoms?”

“Uh, yeah in my bedside table.” Sunoo gave him a questioning look, “This was Jake’s, he left it to me when he moved.”

“Thanks Jake for your service.” He stood up quickly and took the supplies from the drawer, when Sunoo returned back on the bed, naked, looking at him, Sunghoon kissed him again, the lump of anxiety in his belly kept growing and the best way to forget about it was to let his emotions take over him. “Do you know how two men sleep together?”

“Of course, I watch porn.” He said jokingly, he knew he really wasn’t asking about the act itself, more about the preparation.

Sunoo chuckled, and kissed him again “I don’t think it’s the best way to learn but at least you have some base.”

Sunghoon was afraid, not that he didn’t want to sleep with Sunoo, it wasn’t the problem as the desire was here, strong and clear, but looking at Sunoo’s past, he knew he used to sleep with people one time only and never called them again, and Sunghoon was afraid of being left out in the end, if Sunoo didn’t love him as much as he did. So, he would do anything in his power to keep Sunoo under his spell, capturing him forever.

Yet, Sunghoon took the lube and put a layer on his fingers while Sunoo sat on his lap in front of him. He knew he needed to be prepared with all the research he made to be able to understand the sex better because Sunoo could not take his cock like this. Sunghoon aroused Sunoo’s rim with his finger, hoping not to hurt him, surprisingly enough it wasn’t as easy as he thought it would be. Sunoo moaned while he continued to insert his finger, he pushed his ass onto it, as if he needed him to go harder.

“Sunoo,” he said breathlessly, “you are so tight.”

He teased Sunoo again and again, adding another finger, until the man answered, his voice shaking. “No one has fucked me since we started the deal.” And this revelation changed Sunghoon for the worst, he felt terribly hot, Sunoo had well respected the deal, and being the first person to fuck him in such a long time drove him completely crazy.

“Not even on your own?” He smirked, continuing to fuck him with his fingers more and more quickly.

“No. Ah-Fuck Sunghoon, I didn’t do it, I was waiting for you.”

“You are so good Sunoo, you waited like I asked you.” He kissed his nipples while he continued and Sunoo moved on the bed, clenching the sheets with his fists.

“Sunghoon please…”

“What do you want? Tell me everything.” He said, removing the hair from Sunoo’s forehead, where his sweat was beading.

And Sunghoon was carried away by adrenaline and his excitement, even though he was less experienced than Sunoo, he was not less driven by his own desires. He wanted to do well certainly but with Sunoo everything was different, everything was always different, he was ready to try anything, with him, that he had been putting off for years.

“Just fuck me already.”

And so he did. Taking the condom where Sunoo had left it, he put it on and hesitated a few more seconds before entering his cock in Sunoo. The latter moaned suddenly, clenching his fist harder on the sheets which worried Sunghoon.

“You good?” He asked.

“Of course, I am. You can move.”

Even if he was concerned about Sunoo he was no less excited and started moving, making all the way inside him. The sensation felt new, like warmth and passion, of course he was not the first person he fucked, but this time it felt different just because it was Sunoo. Sunghoon had waited for this moment for too long and now he was as close to him as possible. He wanted to try everything with Sunoo, all his insane fantasies, and he trusted him enough to ask for it but he was hesitant, he didn’t want to do something weird or something that could make him uncomfortable. Loving Sunoo was about more than a stupid desire he had for him, it was now stronger and deeper so he didn’t want to cross a line, and it felt like Sunoo understood his struggle as he spoke.

“Sunghoon, don’t be afraid. I’ll tell you if I don’t like something.”

And it was like Sunoo gave him the green light to break the walls of his poor mind. He held him by his waist, thrusting into him, harder and harder. Sunoo moaned and it was like a melody to his ears, a way of knowing everything was good.

“Fuck Sunghoon.”

“Is it good?” He asked, gritting his teeth.

“Yeah, just harder. Ah–please.”

Sunghoon continued quickly, guided by Sunoo’s moans, he could swear that he could cum in a minute if Sunoo continued to be so pretty like this, moaning and asking for more, his ass taking his cock so great. Sunoo was the prettiest, it was a fact, but he was even more beautiful, wrecked under his thrusts.

“You are so pretty Sunoo.” He said, breathing hard.

“Let me see you as well, that’s not fair.”

Naturally, Sunoo changed his position to be able to see Sunghoon in action, the latter kissed his nipples, licking them while he continued to fuck him.

“You are also gorgeous, Sunghoon.”

And because of this, Sunghoon gave more and more hard thrusts, which changed Sunoo’s expression, turning him insane as he begged for more.

Sunghoon felt so close to coming, but he wanted the pleasure to last long. He never wanted to leave Sunoo again.

“I always wanted to be fucked by you.” Sunoo said as his voice broke.

Sunghoon kissed him again, on his forehead, on his lips, then he slidded down to his neck, licking him, marking him hard which drew a groan from him.

“And what did you imagine?”

Just the fact that Sunoo was thinking about him fucking him whole turned him insane, it was hot and deranged, and Sunghoon loved the feeling, welcomed him with pleasure, his body suddenly blistering more, shaking more.

“Just you. Ah-Fuck–fucking me everywhere.”

Sunoo’s eyes darkened, he moaned his name, coming, cum spreading onto his stomach and Sunghoon felt drawn in pleasure, it came in inexorable waves, out of control but so good. Their eyes met again, Sunghoon felt crazy as Sunoo smiled to his face seeing his gaze upon him, the desire he had as he pulsed inside him harder and harder.

“I won’t ever let you go.” He answered, breathless. “I’ll do anything for you.”

“Good boy Sunghoon.” Sunoo smirked, teasing him, touching him.

Now that he had touched, tasted Sunoo, Sunghoon couldn’t let him go, and he didn’t want to, never again. He knew he was in love but right now, giving him pleasure, hearing his moans he was intoxicated.

“I’m gonna come.” He said breathing out.

“So do it.”

Sunoo was taking the lead which was not to Sunghoon’s displeasure, he wanted to please him, to make him feel good. Sunoo placed his hands on his chest while he placed his legs around him. Sunghoon went deeper, shaking desperately.

“Sunoo fuck. I never knew I needed you that much.”

“Me neither.”

And it was enough for Sunghoon to come, releasing a groan, electricity taking over his body. Sunoo breathed against his sweaty skin, embracing him, and he kissed him, teeth clicking.

Sunghoon collapsed on top of him, breathless, and he couldn’t stop looking at Sunoo, how pretty he was, how much he missed him, how much he wanted him more.

“You’ll stay with me, right?.” He asked, carried by adrenaline, without realizing the weight of his words. The question Sunoo failed to answer the first time. He was afraid Sunoo might leave him again, abjectly, without paying attention to his feelings.

Sunoo answered, “I’ll stay with you Sunghoon.” and Sunghoon let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

He then smiled and hugged him even more. In each other’s arms, Sunghoon felt most comfortable, as if he was in his right place because with Sunoo, he wasn’t afraid of anything, especially not himself.

Learning to love himself was a difficult thing, Sunghoon had unfairly learned it throughout his life. The pain he had had, the trials he had faced and the judgements he had received, had continued to break a little more his confidence. Now, he could risk anything if he wanted, he was no more afraid.

“Let's just sleep.” Sunoo said, “I’m tired.”

“Your wishes are my commands.”

Sunoo chuckled, kissing him one last time before closing his eyes, Sunghoon looked at him for a second before doing the same, so rocking each other, they finally fell asleep.

And the next morning, to Sunghoon’s greatest happiness, Sunoo was still there, by his side.

Sunghoon hated solitude, and now he was not afraid, because he would never see it again.

#

sunoo

we’re going to the restaurant tonight

my treat ;)

sunghoon

wow, did you win the lottery

sunoo

no better

i won a 100 dollars bet

sunghoon

about what

sunoo

you

with jungwon

i bet that we would get together before he and jay

sunghoon

you bet about me?

sunoo

always

when it comes to you I always win

;)

Sunghoon looked at the screen trying to hide the smile on his face, life had never been so easy since he met Sunoo.

No more regrets and fears, no more questions and panic.

Sunghoon felt great, he felt good, he saw life from a different perspective, and he breathed again, as if he was reborn.

Park Sunghoon discovered in fact what happiness felt like at the age of 21.

And it was all thanks to Kim Sunoo.