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i sat in the car awkwardly, staring at my shoes. the seat was set too low, so i had to crunch up my legs to fit. i felt like shit; i didn't want to go to this party, but it was maxine's, so i had to! maxine’s done so much for me; declining his offer would be disrespectful. plus, rotake made me go. he said that he didn’t want to go without me because he’d feel awkward, and he begged me to come with him (he got on his knees and begged; i gave in because i felt bad).
rotake seemed much more excited than me. he brought several cocktail bottles since he wasn’t sure if anyone else drank cocktails. that was the only alcoholic beverage rotake would ever drink, except for a very specific french wine that katherine had given him for his birthday once. i had brought a 12-pack of whiskey. not that anyone would drink it (including myself), but i didn’t want to come empty-handed.
he swung his legs and spoke, “my first party... wow!” i frowned; it was my first party too. “i’m kind of nervous, honestly. are you nervous too?” i looked away, “that’s all i am right now. nervous and uneasy.” i couldn’t see his face, but i could feel him frowning at me. he reached over and squeezed my hand softly, and i couldn’t help but smile. “you’re going to be alright, shunko. we’re going to have fun, i promise.”
i believe him. i really do.
“...hey, rotake?” i glanced back at him and saw his face light up. “hm?” i considered not speaking; i honestly felt embarrassed asking him this. “can you do me a favor?” rotake waited patiently for me to continue, and i took a deep breath before speaking again. “please, don’t leave my side. i don’t really know anyone here that well, and i’m… i don’t know how to speak to people like you do.”
rotake gave me a pitiful smile, god, what was i doing? “of course. i don’t consider myself to be that good of a talker, but if you think i am, then i’ll be there, okay?” shunko nodded, breathing a sigh of relief. “thank you.” rotake smiled back at him, not responding. he just squeezed his hand a bit tighter.
i looked back out the window, still holding rotake’s hand. when i looked out the window, i felt mesmerized in a way. time was flying by, and i was fine with it. before i knew it, we were at the doorstep of the fancy mansion maxine was staying at. i felt agoraphobic just looking at it. i was glad i was staying at the hotel, even if it was kind of overwhelming too. rotake took the first step for me and rang the doorbell with a bag of cocktail bottles dangling from his free hand.
tae-kyun opened the door for us, and rotake gave them a big smile. “hey! we brought some cocktails and whiskey!” even though rotake was my younger brother, he always did the talking for me. he wasn’t charismatic or anything; he just knew what to say. tae smiled back at us, “hey, dorks. come in.” great. i walked in behind rotake and was greeted with blurry faces. oh, and maxine.
“hey, shunko!” maxine smiled at me, taking both of the whiskey cases off my hands and placing them on the counter. “i invited you but i didn’t think you were coming. i didn’t think you liked parties.” i frowned internally and said, “ah… you’re right, i don’t come to parties that often. this is my first one.”
i wanted to frown more, he realized that rotake had gone off somewhere without me, leaving me alone. i’d have to find rotake later, right now i want to talk to maxine. maxine’s a good friend of mine, he was reliable and someone i could talk to. he was a good listener, caring, musical, everything you could want in your ideal dream guy. he wasn’t unattractive either. in fact, i often find myself staring at him throughout the day, wondering how his lips would feel against mine.
… that’s not gay, right?
maxine grinned a bit, “hey, did you come to this party just for me?” i blinked, my face feeling a bit red. “what? no, i came because…”
…i trailed off, i couldn’t think of a good excuse. maxine chuckled, “that’s sweet of you, shunko.” maxine placed a hand on my back and kissed my cheek. he does it to everyone, but that didn’t stop my face from completely burning up. i also felt my stomach twist a little. i’m not exactly sure why.
“well, you don’t have to worry, because this is more of a casual hangout than a high school frat party.” i don’t know what a frat party is, but it sounds awkward. i'm glad the expectations for this party are low.
he patted my back, “when you get the time, i want to talk to you shunko. alone.” i blinked, alone? with me? “oh! uhm, alright.” he shot me an easy look to calm my nerves and let go of my back, “i’ll be here when you’re ready.”
i quickly turned away from maxine, trying to find my brother as quickly as possible. this was going to take forever. at least it was better than sitting in the corner of the party or something like that. it was a good way to pass the time. i headed upstairs and tugged on the first door i saw, which was a bathroom. maybe i should’ve knocked. whoops. it was a nice bathroom with a jacuzzi and a large window with curtains. it seemed kind of dumb to have a window in a bathroom, but whatever. maybe i could come here if i ever needed a break from the party.
i closed the bathroom door and knocked on the second door. katherine opened the door to me, and her facial expression quickly shifted into an excited one as she pulled me into the room with no explanation. i didn't even get the chance to ask if rotake was in there. in the room were just yaelle and katherine, and me, of course. yaelle was sleeping peacefully on a bed, it looked like this was her room. “shunko! just the person i wanted to see!” i stared back at her with a frozen, shocked expression. she usually doesn’t talk to me like this, and she smelled like alcohol. fruity alcohol. “uhm, hi?”
“so listen,” she spoke in a slightly slurred tone, “i got some news i think you have. it’s mostly good, but could be bad depending on how you feel.” i swallowed, preparing myself. i gained the courage to speak, “um, what is it?” this was really off putting to me. “come here, i gotta whisper it so no one else hears.” i kneeled down to katherine’s height and leaned in. she grinned before whispering in my ear,
“i’m pprettyy sure maxine has a crush on you.“
i blinked and felt my face go hot. maxine? me? “really?” no way. katherine smiled, “yeah, caught the fool red handed last week thinking about you. he told me not to tell anymore but that’s boring.” my face was tomato red. “thinking… about me?”
katherine grinned, “he was writing a song about you, shunks.” my face only got redder and redder, it was embarrassing. i felt my feet get heavy.
katherine slinged an arm around my shoulder, “since i’m such a good wingman, i’ll help you out here. what’s maxine doing right now, i’m sure you know.”
“he, uh…” i paused, looking away. “he said he wanted to talk to me. alone.”
katherine blinked, “oh. i guess you don’t need my help then, huh?”
“i, uh…” i wiped my face like the blush would come off, “i need to find my brother, i gotta go.” katherine smiled and i walked out the door, “alright, cya shunks.” the door was shut behind me and i was back on track. back to finding my brother.
i decided to just ask around instead, it seemed like i’d have better luck that way.
i headed down the stairs and looked around the room for tae-kyun. i quickly spotted them, the familiar look of blond hair and tanned skin. they were sitting on the couch beside oliver with a deck of cards in their hand. they were with a few other people, oshio, maris, and alex. looks like they were playing some kind of card game.
“hey, shunko.” tae-kyun waved over to me, and i stood behind the couch so i wasn’t in the way. god, they were staring at me. alex’s eyes lit up, but there wasn’t much excitement in their voice. “hi.” maris gave me a small smile. “hey.”
i waved back to all of them, awkwardly too. tae-kyun spoke, “need something?”
“yeah, have you seen rotake? he went off somewhere and i have no idea where he is.” tae-kyun gave a small, teasing grin, “what, can’t stand being away from him for a few minutes?”
i wanted to punch the shit out of tae-kyun when they said that. i know they were joking, but… well, they shouldn’t! maris frowned, “ahh, come on, don’t make fun of him.”
tae-kyun must have noticed the tension because they proceeded to lean up from the couch and pat my back. “you know i’m only joking, shunks.” tae-kyun continued to pat my back like they didn’t just fucking embarrass me, “the room on the end of the 3rd floor, that’s where he went.”
that’s all i needed to hear. before i left, i grabbed a whiskey bottle from the counter and popped it open. i definitely needed it. tae-kyun and alex went back to the game while maris waved bye to me, “good luck on your search.” i thanked him briefly before leaving again. i wasn’t close with him, and i really didn’t want to be. it’s not like he was a bad guy, he was just too close to maxine for my comfort.
i went up the two flights of stairs (which was torture, by the way) and reached the 3rd floor. why did this damn house have so many floors? i went to the end of the hall, as tae-kyun said, and found that the door was left wide open with the lights off. i peeked inside, and sure enough, rotake was there. i chugged the entire bottle before entering, just to prepare myself.
rotake was sitting in a chair with one of his cocktails, chatting happily in the room with some girl that i hadn’t seen before. the girl was short and chubby. she was dark-skinned and wore white glasses. even though i’m sure i don’t know her, i feel like i’ve at least seen her before. what kind of supreme was she? rotake didn’t notice me walk in, his back was turned from the door. in fact, it was the girl that noticed me.
“oh, hello.”
i scrambled my brain for some sort of reply as rotake turned to me. “a-ah, hey.” rotake smiled, “hey, shunks! i want you to meet my friend here, reagan!” reagan waved to me, her facial expression seemed cold, but i tried my best not to judge her. maybe she had a resting bitch face; i don’t know.
“nice to meet you, too.” he had this shit-eating grin on his face, what the hell was he talking about with that girl? whatever, it wasn’t any of my business anyway. “here, want one of my cocktails?” rotake pulled out one of his cocktail bottles and tossed it to me, which i caught very weakly. i almost fell over in the process.
“uh, what kind of supreme are you?” attempting to make small talk wasn’t necessarily easy, cut me some slack. reagan shook her head, “i’m not a supreme, just a close friend of satomi’s. i am a detective, though.”
“ooooo! that’s cool!” rotake swung his feet excitedly; fuck, i’m jealous of him. he makes everything look so… easy. “thank you.” i opened the cocktail bottle and took a swig, i usually didn’t drink this much but this was a very special occasion for my fucking anxiety.
“did you need something, shunko?” right. he was in the middle of a conversation, and i just barged in. i’m such a bitch sometimes, so fucking clingy. “ah, not really… you went off somewhere without me and i didn’t know where you went, so i went to find you.”
rotake frowned, “oh shit, i left you alone didn’t i?” i stood there awkwardly. yeah, you did. i drank a little of the cocktail i was holding, “it’s fine, rotake. really.” no, it wasn’t. why was i lying?
“i’m sorry, shunks, i didn’t mean to leave, i just spotted reagan and realized we hadn’t talked in a while so i followed her, i’m sorry.”
when rotake said that, i realized that reagan was staring at us the entire time. i can’t be angry, though, i’m the one who came in when she was talking to him . still, it’d be nice if she just looked away or something…
“it’s fine, i’m not angry.” another lie, i really need to stop lying to him. “i need to go anyways, maxine called me a few minutes ago.” reagan’s head perked up when i mentioned maxine, maybe she knew him or something.
i had forgotten about maxine for a few minutes, to be honest. well, no, that’s a lie. little thoughts of him would pop up in my mind a few times, but i wasn’t really paying attention to them. rotake gave me another one of his pity smiles, “alright, i’ll be here if you need me!” he swung his feet again, he seemed like he was really having fun at this party.
i left the room and closed the door behind me. i knew rotake originally had it open, but i just wanted reagan to stop staring at me for a few seconds. ugh, i chugged the bottle until it was half full. i went back down the two flights of stairs, and maxine greeted me. he was leaning against the stair wall, holding one of the whiskeys i brought. i wasn’t expecting anyone to actually drink it, i felt a little red. “oh! hey, shunko.” he gave me a soft smile and asked, “did you find rotake?” i nodded, “yeah, he was upstairs with some girl named reagan. i think she knew you.”
“huh, really?” maxine raised a brow and said, “the name doesn’t ring a bell.” i blinked, “oh.” maybe he didn’t know her. she was probably a fan of his or something. see, this is what happens when you jump to conclusions, shunko. “then again, i was a bit uh, active in my early 20s, so she might know me because of that.” he chuckled a bit, and i blinked. i wasn’t expecting him to be interested in flings. my stomach twisted, was i seriously jealous?
maxine looked around the room to see if anyone was listening and then leaned in, “are you free right now?” my face got red. oh, right.
“y-yeah, i’m free to talk.” his facial expression remained completely neutral, which was kind of weird. “good. come on,” he held my hand and tugged me back up the flights of stairs (it was annoying that this house didn’t have a lift or something).
he stopped on the second floor and pulled me into a room that looked like it was his. it was really neat, with a lot of bookshelves. also, the lights were off. he shut the door behind him,
“can i ask you something, shunko?”
i sat on the bed, holding myself. i was half expecting him to just kiss me right here but that’s weird to assume, not everything has to be sexual, shunko . he took the drink off my hands and placed it on the counter.
“o-of course.”
he sat next to me and placed a hand on my shoulder. my face couldn’t be redder, it was embarrassing. i refused to make eye contact with him, but he kept trying to initiate it. he leaned onto me, and i could see him clearly. he looked beautiful up close. i felt a little embarrassed, so i just waited for him to—
“are you alright, shunko?”
i blinked and perked my head back at him, that’s not what i was expecting. i… didn’t want to have this kind of conversation with him. not now, at least. i didn’t want this.
“yeah? what, do i not seem alright?”
i tried to joke a little to lighten the mood, but maxine only responded with a frown. “no, shunko. you don’t.” it made me feel tense.
i stared at the floor, “oh.”
he sat a little closer, “me and rotake are close, y’know. i’ve known him childhood. he tells me everything. so, uhm, when we were planning the party a couple days ago, we were drinking together. y’know, the french wine he likes. and, uhm, when he was drunk, he… he told me something really concerning about you, and i just… i want to help you. okay?”
i narrowed my brows, please don’t tell me this is what i think it is. i’m already having a bad day, please don’t make it worse. “…what’d he tell you?” he paused, took a deep breath, and then continued to speak.
“he told me about was really happening.”
fuck, it was. it was exactly what i thought it was.
“y’know, why you were always at the hospital and those weird, skimpy outfits your mother would put you in.”
he went on, “...and that it wasn’t exactly of your own volition. he told me all about the stuff with the women who’d ‘visit’ you and…”
maxine sniffled a little, forcing himself to continue. “...i’m sorry i didn’t notice, shunko. i know it’s in the past, and we’re both adults now, but i can’t help but feel like i could’ve at least done something, y’know?”
i didn’t respond. we sat in silence for a little while. tense, uncomfortable silence. he wrapped an arm around my neck and i wanted to vomit. i wasn’t getting the cute, bubbly feeling i got earlier anymore. i felt… dirty. these feelings… it’s only what i deserve, isn’t it? for being such a damn slut .
my stomach felt like it dropped to the floor, any chances of me having fun at this party were officially ruined. it took forever, but i gained the courage to speak,
“…why’d you tell me that, maxine?”
“shunko…” he paused, “i told you that because i care about you. i want to make sure you’re alright. tension between us is a sacrifice i’m willing to make.”
i lowered my head, “that’s selfish, maxine.”
it was silent again. i hated the silence. i didn’t know what to say. i didn’t have anything meaningful to say, so i said things i shouldn’t have said.
“why did you say that? seriously, why? it’s just… insensitive. couldn’t you have just kissed me instead?”
as soon as the words came out of my mouth, i regretted saying them.
maxine’s head shot up and he stared at me for a few seconds, his face looked a bit red. “…what?” god, i’m so fucking stupid. of course, he didn’t drag me here to have sex, what the hell’s wrong with me? i'm such a damn creep, why did i think maxine would ever like me ?
“…i-i mean, you dragged me into your room, i kinda thought…” i stared holes into the floor, i could feel him staring at me. i’m such a fucking idiot. “…god, shunko, i…” he frowned, “shunko, i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to set the mood like that. i only wanted to talk, but i guess it didn’t seem that way.”
his voice sounded desperate, a tone i hadn’t heard from him before. i felt bad. “...shunko, if you want to—“ “it’s fine, maxine. you don’t have to pity me.” i looked away, “it’s fine.” he frowned, continuing his last sentence, “if you want to, we can talk about it.” he couldn’t have made it any more clear that he didn’t want me. was katherine sure about what she said? maybe it wasn’t a happy song.
“i-i mean, it’s not that i don’t want...” he paused, “…i’m sorry, i can’t say that.” i looked up at him to see a somber expression on his face, “...what is there to talk about?” maxine paused and then sighed.
“the drugs, maybe.”
i blinked,
“that’s something to talk about.”
“…”
i stared at him. i tried to respond, but i couldn’t make any words leave my mouth. my lip just quivered. i wanted to speak. why didn’t i?
i managed to stutter a single word.
“b-but…”
maxine sat closer to me, holding my hand.
“but?”
my lip wouldn’t stop quivering. i just stared at him in silence.
“…”
i stood up, holding myself tighter. “shunko?” i continued looking down, i didn’t want to see maxine’s face. my heart was pounding, i could hear it. the adrenaline was rushing into my body. he got up and grabbed my wrist, “shunko, what were you going to say?“
“fuck off, maxine!” i pulled my wrist away from him, coming at him with unexpected hostility. maxine blinked, staring at me in shock. god, i don’t mean that. what am i saying?
i needed him more than anything right now, but instead, i walked away from him. i heard him call my name as i left, god, i needed to leave .
while i was going down the stairs, i felt maxine pull me back. he wrapped his arms around me completely and turned me around, catching me by surprise. i was resisting the urge to shiver, he looked upset. extremely upset. he tried to speak as quietly as he could, “shunko! please, talk to me! i know you’re embarrassed, but that doesn't matter, what matters is keeping you safe!”
i shoved him off of me, moving towards the stairs. “what’s the point, maxine? what could you possibly do that would change anything? nothing, fucking nothing!” i tried to walk past him but he kept standing in front of me.
he grabbed my wrists, “i don’t know! just, don’t go! i can help you, shunko! i’ll help you move on, i’ll be there for you! all you have to do is stay. please.” he sounded desperate again, it… made me feel bad. it made me feel like shit.
i didn’t respond. i didn’t know how to. he stared at me, desperately needing some kind of reaction from me and i… didn’t give it to him. his face was blurry, he didn’t even look human. i could barely breathe.
i pulled his hands off my wrists and turned away from him. i needed to get away. now. “please just… get off of me, maxine.” he frowned more, taking a step in front of me. “shunko—“
"GET OFF!”
i pushed maxine away, and he yelped. he fell again, and this time he didn’t land on his feet.
he hit his head on the top of the staircase and continued to fumble. each stair he stumbled down made a thud even louder than the last.
the people from the game immediately got up on the second thud, the first one being maris and then oliver rushing behind him. i couldn’t move. i don’t know why. i just stood there at the top of the stairs.
he was groaning at the bottom of the stairs as maris held him. katherine ran by me after coming down from the floor above to look at maxine, horrified. she turned to me and yelled, “shunko, what the fuck did you do?!” my voice shook; her yelling caught the people's attention at the bottom of the stairs, and they were all staring at me. “i j-just… i wasn’t trying to-”
“oh my god !” rotake came in from the top of the stairs, looking at maxine terrified. he stood beside me at the top of the stairs, grasping my hand. “shunko, what the hell happened?” katherine spoke up, “your brother pushed maxine down the damn stairs. fucking christ,” she examined maxine for any bruises or wounds, bringing her attention back to him.
“n-no, it wasn’t-...” i stuttered, it wasn’t on purpose!
rotake frowned at me and said, “shunko, you did this?” i felt tears forming in the corners of my eyes. i didn’t want to come downstairs, i wanted to leave. i looked at rotake with desperation, trying to explain myself to him. “i-i wasn’t trying to hurt him! i just wanted him to let me go!”
“so you shoved him down a flight of stairs…?” alex tilted his head at me, confused. “that doesn't make sense.” maxine frowned, trying to sit up. he winced, and maris pulled him closer, letting maxine lean on him for support. he spoke quietly, “he’s not lying. it was just an accident, shunko wasn't trying to hurt me.”
rotake lightly tugged my hand, and he looked up at me with concern. i avoided his eyes. he let me and instead led me down the stairs where maxine was lying against maris. seeing maxine’s eyes clearly on me made me feel like shit. he had this apologetic look on his face, trying to smile for me.
maxine tried to make it seem like he wasn’t fazed, but everyone in the room could tell that he was. his eyes were wide open, and he looked terrified. it only made me feel more ashamed. maris put maxine up against his chest, rubbing his head. my stomach twisted. maxine spoke again,
“i’m not angry at you, shunko. you were just trying to protect yourself. and nobody’s hurt, so it’s fine.” maris chimed in at maxine’s last comment, speaking softly to not let me hear. “maxine, you couldn’t even sit up on your own.”
maxine frowned, whispering back. “maris, i’m telling you it’s fine.” katherine shook her head, wrapping his arm around her and forcing him to stand up. he winced again but tried to make it seem like it was just a grunt. she frowned, “i’m taking you to the hospital.”
i noticed that maris was staring at me. he had a certain look on his face that made me wince. it was a familiar look, one i’d been given all my life. it was a deformed mix of pity and disdain. and it wasn’t just him, either. it was everyone. i frowned, trying to escape that look for at least a second.
the only one who didn’t have that look on his face was maxine. he frowned again, reaching out to me and holding my hand. i blinked, he had this pleading look in his eye. he pulled on my hand, “please.”
“...” i nodded, it was the least i could do for him.
me, maxine, katherine, maris, and yaelle (who had been woken up by katherine) drove to the hospital in silence. the others agreed to straighten up the house from the party and eventually headed home. except for rotake, who agreed to stay and watch over the house while maxine was gone.
katherine was in the front, driving the car. yaelle was in the passenger’s seat beside her, degrading maxine with cruel words and lecturing him. me, maxine, and maris all sat in the backseat with maxine in the middle, clinging to my arm as he rested his head on my shoulder.
i tried not to get flustered, but it was hard with maxine’s soft, quiet breaths tickling my neck. i even thought i felt him kiss my neck a few times. maybe i was imagining it because none of the others seemed to notice.
yaelle continued to degrade him, “you’re a fucking idiot, maxine. you just can’t be left alone, can you?” maxine weakly mumbled an apology but didn’t look at her.
“...i’m sorry.”
he was looking at me.
i blinked, looking back at him. yaelle continued to speak, “good, you should be.” she continued to go on her rant on maxine’s incompetence, but he wasn’t paying any mind to her. he kept muttering those same two words, looking at me and squeezing my hand.
katherine suddenly spoke up, “shut up.” yaelle blinked, looking at her girlfriend. “excuse me?” katherine looked back at her, “yaelle, you’re not helping. we don’t need your yelling, i need to focus on the road.”
that shut yaelle up. now it really was silent.
still, maxine was staring at me. it made me feel horrible. i don’t even remember what happened afterward, i was just focused on maxine. it was obvious he was only touching me like this to apologize to me. he didn’t like me. he never would.
maris took that as a chance to speak, “maxine, how do you feel?”
i hadn’t noticed it, but maris was staring at us the entire time. maybe he was jealous of maxine touching me. maxine looked towards him, hugging my arm. he smiled weakly, “better. i feel tired.” maris smiled back, “that’s good.” he reached out to hold maxine’s hand, making me frown. “don’t worry, we’re almost there.”
i pulled my arm away and watched him frown. he tried to pull me back, but i wouldn’t let him. if he wanted to hold maris’ hand so badly, then i wouldn’t stop him. maxine frowned more, reaching out to hold me, but hesitated and pulled back. we sat quietly in the car, sides touching.
i sat in the car awkwardly, staring at my shoes. i feel like shit. i shouldn’t have come to this party, i don’t care if it's maxine’s. all i do is fuck up the lives of everyone around me. maxine’s done much for me and i hurt him. badly.
i’m sorry, maxine.
“...i’m sorry.”
god, i’m so fucking sorry.
