Chapter Text
the best way to know someone is through their insecurities. at least that is what jisung thinks, talking from experience, of course.
the first time he thought he connected with jeonjin, was the first time they extended their arms at the older boy, without knowing him for too long - it was as if they knew what jisung needed. after that, the dynamic made itself.
they didn't live near each other, and didn't talk a lot on a daily basis. it was mostly coincidences, group friend meetings, short periods of time. but there was something between them. an understatement, a feeling that grew and grew. jisung didn't know what exactly it was.
then, there was the time that jisung thought he truly started to see jeongin, to genuinely know them. that happend yesterday. it was the first time they were together alone, the first time they talked about each other's feelings. jeongin was as cuddly as always, as sweet as an over-sugared bubble tea.
as jeongin rolled a joint, they started telling jisung about his new love: a guy that also lived far away. that they saw a lot during short periods of time. jisung realised that there was an emotional side of them. one they never met out despite their sensitive self. it was deep, raw. hopeless. jeongin needed that distance, to allow themselves to relax. maybe that's what happens between them, too.
after that, and already high honestly, jisung found himself pouring his heart out to innie's tender smile and kind words, telling that he indeed was lovable, gentle and caring. it only took jisung few more vulnerable and embarrassingly sad thoughts to realise that he finally understood.
jeongin wasn't aware, but they made him realise a lot of things that day. they also weren't aware that all the time they've been talking, jisung was thinking about someone rather specific.
jisung met minho through internet. he have had his fair share of online relationships when he was little and dumb, and made a promise that he won't ever come back to that sort of thing - too much pain, too much uncertainty. but it was too late now.
the thing is, that stopped counting when they first talked, honestly. not that jisung knew or even imagined it at the time.
his weird obsession with his not-so-newly acquired taste in kpop idols started to get out of hand, so he came to the conclusion that it will be better to move from main, to get to a safe place to channel that energy. he was immersed all over again in a part of the internet he was too familiar with, but he didn't mind. it felt closer to home, like he was finally getting under soft, weighted blankets. he realised it was his comfort zone, and maybe he needed that for now. at least, it was way better than dwell constantly in the thought of empty love and unrealistic expectations, and the crawling fear that he could never experience mutual love.
he preferred channeling all that dread into pretty boys and their silly little dances, their sculpted bodies, their amazing talents. it was lighter, softer, real enough to make it up to all the feelings he has but fake enough to not give him anxiety. it worked like perfect.
then minho appeared. like a tsunami. he destroyed everything. all jisung thought his limits were, his own barriers acquired from life itself, the structures of his mind that he cautiously built with time and patience. his fears were both eased and increased at the same time. he was too sure and too afraid. too happy and too sad. too euphoric and too apathetic.
at first, jisung didn't try to understand the situation. he just went with it, not thinking too much. minho was really intense. he would send messages telling about almost everything he liked. he would let his heart out in that chat, in a way that he thought it could overwhelm him. for a reason, though, one he also didn't try to know, it interested him. it made him want to know more. it was not too long until jisung started caring, then.
caring feels stupidly dense, although it comes naturally for him. the boy is used to care about everyone and everything. not that is excruciatingly good or bad, but it's something that takes all his energy away. and hardly anyone reciprocates it.
minho did reciprocate it. and life started recovering meaning. somehow.
jisung had been trying to avoid falling for a while before meeting minho. or at least, his idea of him. but he failed miserably, because falling in love is not something you choose.
it is still hard for him tho, he couldn't say it as easy as minho did. he couldn't let himself admit something as heavy as love throughout his damn phone, a meaningless chat. but it seemed to not matter for his new love, he tried to let him know all the things he feels and felt and will feel with the passing time.
jisung still feels the heavy sensations overwhelm him sometimes. he gets scared that he won't be enough for minho, who seems to be blinded by his big eyes and stupid manners. jisung can't believe him yet. he is hopeful that he will.
minho tells him not to think too much about it. as if it was something he could actually do, tho.
the conversation with jeongin keeps repeating itself in jisung's mind. "i don't think someone could love me right. how could someone love me with the intensity i have in me?" he had said. "but i don't think I'm capable of letting myself feel those things, either. life's been rough. and i'm a wary bitch". felix had laughed at that, and assured him that the worst part of those bad things he was saying, was that the actual case was exactly the opposite.
jisung firmly believes minho is trying to break his barriers. maybe not with that exact intention, but he is actually doing it. so, he does his best to believe what minho says. what minho demonstrates. it won't stop being a hard thing to manage, but he trusts himself it will get easier.
besides all his fears, besides all his flaws.
he isn't sure if he can actually tell minho all those things yet. wholeheartedly admiting to him how hard is falling, how dumb it feels to, how the words escape his fingers even tho his mind pleas not to write them.
but in the end, if minho is truly made for him - as he likes to point out, melting jisung in the meantime - then he would actually like to believe that life with find its path.
that minho would find his path to him.