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this place is dizzy right now
while everyone laughs at me
i’ll have a dream where you and i have the same dream
we’ll go to the place we’ve been hoping to go.
dancing has always been ni-ki’s one and only, sole passion.
his outstanding talent stems from his youth, when his favourite singers and artists sparked curiosity and the longing to be like them ablaze deep inside him. he can hardly remember the moment his parents introduced him to the art of sharp and precise body movements, a way to express his own unique love for music. however, he still feels the burning desire aching in his bones; his limbs are constantly begging for him to choreograph a dance to the perfect beat.
lately, staying up late and choreographing personalised dances has become something familiar to him. he now treats it as part of his daily routine. and this is because he believes that in order to improve oneself, one must work towards a goal – however impossible that goal is to achieve.
but it means that frustrated tears and self-criticism comes easily to him; burnout and loss of motivation are daily occurrences. despite telling himself multiple times that the road to perfection is always littered with mistakes, he can’t help but chastise every flaw he notices in the mirror. why won’t his limbs move exactly the way he wants them to? why can’t he nail that one move that seemed so amazing in his mind? why does it just feel so bland when he actually carries it out?
ni-ki’s feeling the same kind of recurring emptiness as he pauses the music for the tenth time, squatting down in front of his speaker to take a break. a bead of sweat trickles down his temple, but he can’t be bothered to sweep it away. his lips pursed in frustration, he sighs at himself. he’s making careless, careless mistakes. and he’s not stupid, he’s been taking ample breaks, so he’s not tiring himself out. he has the energy. but where’s the satisfaction he wants to obtain from crafting these dances that he puts his heart and soul into?
even when he doesn’t make mistakes, and films his dances successfully, he doesn’t understand why he isn’t pleased with them. his stomach just gets knotted with confusion, as if he can hardly believe that it was he, who had choreographed it.
he draws in a breath and takes a swig of water before standing up to start again. there’s no harm in wanting to attempt it again, right?
however, just as he’s stretching himself to try again, the door to the practice room creaks and there’s a curse in a familiar voice.
“stupid door, it needs to be oiled,” sunoo complains, as usual, before stumbling into the room, holding a plastic bag filled with convenience store snacks. “ni-ki, love!”
“hyung!” ni-ki tries to force a smile, and he walks over to sunoo like a magnet. “what are you doing here?”
he doesn’t give the elder the chance to answer, slipping his hands under his arms to pick him up. sunoo merely hums, and ni-ki feels slender legs wrapping around his waist. cool fingers touch his nape and ni-ki feels his boyfriend lean in to press a gentle kiss to his throat.
“hyungs said you were here so i decided to visit you,” sunoo explains when he draws away, his eyelashes fluttering as he narrows his eyes to inspect him. “why do you look so tired?”
“do i?” ni-ki brushes his lips against sunoo’s temple and places him back on his feet. his fingers reach up to point at his eyes. “is it visible?”
sunoo pouts at this, and shakes his head. “no, i can just tell. do you want to go back, or do you want to eat?”
he points at the bag of food he’s conveniently deposited onto the cold floor, his eyebrows raised expectantly. ni-ki’s stomach churns at the thought, but not in hunger. he just knows that if he were to eat first, he’d get a stomachache while dancing later on. so, he shakes his head firmly.
“i just want to perfect something,” he explains, trying to ignore the concern glimmering in sunoo’s pretty, pretty eyes. “it won’t take long.” well, he hopes.
sunoo tilts his head in return, his eyebrows slanting downwards in worry. “but you’re already so good!” he insists, and ni-ki brightens slightly when he hears the warm, genuine praise. then again, just hearing sunoo’s voice manages to cheer him up.
“i’m not satisfied with what i choreographed,” he admits, backpedalling towards where he’s left his phone and the speaker. “can you take a look and give me some feedback?”
with a bemused frown, sunoo, luckily, agrees, standing off to the side to give him ample space. ni-ki starts the music with a spark of eagerness inside, which boosts his confidence. perhaps this is what he’s been missing, an audience. knowing that someone — especially since that someone is sunoo — is watching him, he feels even more inclined to put on a show, he wants to display a masterpiece.
the first minute goes well, with an amused grin on his face as he glances off to the side just to see sunoo bobbing his head to the music as well, a proud gleam in his eyes. however, when he reaches the part that he’s been stuck at for so long, dread rushes through him when he fumbles his mind for a move, finally executing a sloppy excuse for a body roll.
coming up with things on the spot was always so easy for him in the past, why does it seem so difficult now? instinctively, his body stops moving, and unlike the past, when he could return to it like clockwork, he’s stuck staring at his reflection in the mirror. he squeezes his eyes shut. he can’t bring himself to look at sunoo in the eyes.
and then, he feels a presence behind him. arms wrap around his waist and warmth presses against his slouched back. he sucks in a breath.
“ni-ki, ni-ki, ni-ki…” sunoo whispers, his voice hoarse and sincere. “it’s already so wonderful, what more do you ask from yourself?”
and, ni-ki finds that he can’t answer the question. lost for words, he mutters a quiet, “i don’t know.”
“dancing shouldn’t be a burden for you, love,” sunoo reminds him firmly, taking his hands off his waist. “isn’t it something you love, something you enjoy?”
yes, ni-ki wants to sob. but why am i not getting the satisfaction i seek?
sunoo sighs and turns him around, before promptly placing his hands on ni-ki’s shoulders. it’s a cute gesture, because due to their height difference, sunoo has to raise his arms a whole lot. ni-ki chuckles to himself endearingly.
“you need to distract yourself from this… this unnecessary seriousness!” sunoo insists, giving him a beaming smile, before running to his phone and playing a random song. “let’s have a dance battle, like we used to in i-land, but without the pressure and all that!”
god, ni-ki just adores him.
he slowly eases himself back into how it used to be, casual and enjoyable, and it’s all topped off with idle chatter, teasing kisses, and amused giggles from the both of them. and suddenly, he feels like the young thirteen year old he used to be, the dance moves flowing through him, smooth like honey. he feels like he’s back at home, dancing with his sisters, or as a trainee in hybe, creating his own dances with taki.
he doesn’t know how all the seriousness was eased away with so little trouble. sunoo probably has this effect on him. so, when they finish, the satisfaction ni-ki has been craving for so long seeps into him. it may not be his best efforts, but he put his soul into it, he enjoyed himself. he’s so grateful that sunoo helped him experience the passion for his forte again.
so, he can’t help but lay kisses on his hyung before they start snacking on the packaged kimbap sunoo bought prior to arriving. and after.
“hyung,” he murmurs as he has sunoo against the wall, their breaths coming fast and desperate. “thank you.”
“you have such a precious talent, ni-ki,” the elder whispers in turn, closing his eyes and pressing another slow kiss to his trembling lips. “never turn it into something that you hate doing.”
don’t be afraid
there is no sad ending here
i believe that we would have this time forever
…
until the day all the moments i imagined
come right in front of my eyes
i dance only for you
with elegance