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Chan should know his limits by now. He should know his body, know when it’s saying no and listen when it says so, suck it up and go back to bed on the days he knows he needs to. Today is one of those days. His insomnia has been getting worse and he barely slept a fitful two hours last night even with Felix in his bed. Usually when his boyfriend is curled up with him, warm and adorable, Chan finds it much easier to fall asleep at night. He feels bad asking Felix to come over when they have an early morning the next day, but he’s just so tired and he really thought that he’d get some sleep after not being able to do so the past two nights.
Felix is always the most helpful. He had gotten Han and Changbin distracted in a loud video game tournament then seduced Chan into some highly athletic sex in the shower while the roommates weren’t paying attention in order to “tire him out.” After, he made him sleepy-time tea, banished Jisung and Changbin to their rooms to be quiet for the night, and put on a white noise machine. It should have been impossible for Chan not to fall asleep. He had Felix in his arms, the atmosphere was perfect, he was exhausted.
He still couldn’t do it.
A few times, he managed to quiet his mind, sync up his breaths with Felix, finally relax a little, but sleep still wouldn’t come. He kept getting frustrated about still being awake which made it even harder to fall asleep and he kept thinking too much about how he wasn’t asleep that he ended up keeping himself up with the thoughts about not sleeping.
Felix stirs awake once or twice, asking in a low sleepy voice if Chan is alright and giving him the softest kisses down his neck to help soothe him before drifting off again himself. Chan doesn’t know what he did to deserve him sometimes, the precious boy in his arms who lights up his entire world. He’s grateful that he doesn’t have to spend these sleepless nights alone anymore. Even if Felix isn’t awake with him, his presence is grounding, and Chan manages to start drifting in and out of sleep at least by the middle of the night.
It isn’t enough though. When the alarm goes off in the morning, startling Chan awake, he thinks he could cry for a moment. He just got to sleep and stayed there, what? Ninety minutes ago? It can’t be time to get up already, he hasn’t rested at all.
Felix blinks his eyes open and reaches blindly for his phone to shut off the alarm, silencing the sound of the digital chimes and yawning. He looks up at Chan, his blond hair sticking out every which way and his eyes half lidded with lingering tiredness. He’s so adorable in the mornings, Chan wishes he wasn’t so miserable right now. Mornings with Felix are precious. He wants to kiss him stupid and sneak in a morning quickie before practice, make him breakfast, and just enjoy starting the day together. Instead, he’s so frustrated he thinks he might cry when Felix asks him if he got any sleep.
“Not really,” Chan swallows, his eyelids heavy as Felix reaches out and cards his fingers gently through his hair. “I think I finally went out for good a little over an hour ago, but the rest of the night was in and out.”
“Really?” Felix looks seriously concerned, his eyes a little wide, suddenly much more awake. “Channie, this is the third night in a row. You haven’t gotten eight hours in the past three days combined.”
“I know, Lix,” he sighs. Felix is only worrying because he loves him, but Chan is so tired, he doesn’t have an ounce of patience in him. “We gotta get up and go though. It’s a long day today.”
“Hyung…” Felix stares at him and Chan knows he’s eyeing the bags under his eyes. “It’s only rehearsal today. No filming or anything. Let me cover for you, just sleep a few more hours and then come join us. Minho-hyung can lead practice.”
“Lix, I’m the leader. I can’t sleep in while everyone else gets up and works.” He sits himself up and rubs his eyes, trying to get his body to accept that his chance to sleep has passed. He loves Felix dearly too, but right now, he really, really needs to get up and Felix is making it a lot harder. Chan wants nothing more than to fall right back into bed and Felix is so warm, his skin impossibly soft. It’s a battle not to stay in bed with him all day — Chan doesn’t want anything more. But he can’t.
“Okay, well at least do your best to take it easy today.” Felix knows his stubbornness well enough not to push it and Chan is grateful that he doesn’t fight him. He knows Felix is only looking out for him. If the roles were reversed, he would make Felix stay home and sleep without question.
Chan pulls him into a kiss to apologize for being grumpy then forces himself up and out of bed to get dressed. He pulls on a sleeveless shirt and some shorts, tugging on the brace covers for his knees so he can easily do floor work without friction. He smiles a little seeing Felix go to his closet and pick out his dance clothes. His room is full of Felix’s things and half of his stuff is in Felix's room too. He misses when they still lived in the same dorm, but having more space here is good and they don’t have to scar Changbin for life (as much) anymore.
“You look handsome,” Felix teases, coming up to hug him from behind and kiss his shoulder. “I’ll go make coffee. Maybe we can use the lunch break today to steal a nap in the break room?”
“Thanks, Lix,” Chan breathes, some of the tension falling from his shoulders as he leans back against him. “You’re the best.”
“Mm, thank me by eating breakfast before we go, yeah? You need energy.” Felix gets on his toes so he can peck his cheek then disappears to freshen up for the day.
Chan takes one look at himself in the mirror and grimaces, looking away and going to distract himself with his phone until everyone’s ready to leave. He feels like a zombie.
*****
They all make the short walk to the dance studio together and Chan is grateful for the cold air, helping him wake up a little as he walks close to Felix and chats with the guys about the new tracks they’re working on. The bags under his eyes are deep and he doesn’t want anyone worrying about him, so he practically chugs the coffee Felix made for him as they go and tries to be energetic, but it’s harder than usual today.
The thing is, he’s used to not sleeping. He can easily pull off a jet lagged performance or a long rehearsal day without much rest, but he doesn’t often go so long without crashing. It’s part of why he’s able to work so hard — he’ll eventually burn out and sleep through the night, ready to do it all again when he wakes up the morning after. But three nights without proper sleep takes its toll. It’s hard not to drag his feet, not to blink too long even as they walk against the cold wind. Hopefully, he’ll feel better once they stretch and warm up. Once the music is playing, it’s easier to get energized. He can see the worried looks Felix keeps throwing him too, but he tries to ignore it. There’s no way he won’t be able to crash and fall asleep after today, he just has to get through it.
At the studio, Chan cranks their warm up music and spends extra time stretching, trying to will his muscles into their usual strength and flexibility. At least the rest of the guys showed up pretty energetic and ready to go. It helps to try and match them rather than having to wake everyone else up in addition to himself. By the time the guys have made him laugh a couple of times, he’s feeling a little less lethargic. It’s just a rehearsal day. He’s pushed through way worse than this before.
He starts to feel okay about an hour into rehearsal. The dances are fun, everyone’s in a good mood, and while he’s definitely tired, he doesn’t feel like he’s dragging. He doesn’t drop anybody that he lifts and he even tugs Felix aside to give him a little love when they break for water. The group tolerance for PDA is pretty high and there aren’t any cameras or staff today, so Chan delights in sneaking a kiss every now and then, wanting to keep Felix from worrying so much about him.
It’s when they get closer to lunch that he starts to feel like he’s taking a bit of a turn downhill. After some review and a little practice of the more complex parts, they don’t move on until they nail at least one full run through of the song they’re rehearsing. Now, they’re on Miroh and it’s their special awards show choreography they’ve been working their asses off on perfecting. Chan has to land a backflip from a stand still and sometimes if he’s too fatigued, the flip comes up a little short.
He tells himself it’s fine. He doesn’t need to land it perfectly — this is just practice. All he needs to do is not land on his head.
Chan moves through the choreography and paces himself as best he can, conserving his energy for the backflip. The song feels longer than usual and he’s so fucking tired, but when the moment comes, he musters every ounce of energy he can summon and flips backwards.
It’s a small miracle that he gets all the way around. It happens so fast, Chan actually thinks he’s already made it until the split second where he realizes he can’t get his feet underneath himself in time. His stomach swoops as he lands on his knees with a crack that echoes in the studio.
Chan is not a stranger to pain. In fact, he’s landed on his knees plenty of times before when the flip came up short, but this time he lands hard and most of the impact is taken by his right knee cap. He cries out and goes all the way down immediately, hissing through his teeth as he grabs his knee. Oh, it fucking hurts. It hurts like he’s just shattered his whole knee cap and the impact alone was enough to split the skin and make him bleed — even on the smooth polished wood of the dance floor.
“Chris!” Felix is the first to yelp and come running over while Hyunjin fumbles to turn the music off.
Chan can’t really register him right now, can’t reassure him while his ears are ringing. He’s trying not to throw up actually, the scare and the pain combining lethally with his empty stomach and all the coffee he downed to try and stay awake. He needs to get back up. He needs to shake this out and walk it off as soon as possible.
“Are you okay? You split your knee, we need to get you somewhere.” Felix is already taking a small clean towel from Minho and gesturing for Chan to let go of where he’s holding his knee. “Let me see. We need to take the brace off”
“It’s fine,” Chan grits through his teeth, eyes squeezed shut. “Just give me a minute.”
“It’s not fine. Your knee cap might be broken, we have to-“
“Lix,” Chan winces. Felix is freaking out — understandable. But he is in a lot of fucking pain right now and he doesn’t want to be stared at and doted over, doesn’t want to admit that he really fucked up by coming to practice today.
“I told you that you needed to stay and rest,” Felix says, gesturing for someone to bring him Chan’s water bottle. “You can’t go full out when you don’t have energy, you’ll end up getting hurt like this.”
“Lix, I know, just-“
“I’m taking you to the infirmary.”
“I don’t need that, for fuck’s sake, just let me try and walk it off,” Chan groans, exasperated.
“You can’t walk off a broken bone.”
“It’s not broken, I just need a minute.”
“Hyung, just let me take a look at it and see, okay?” Felix insists, but Chan still argues back.
“I mean it, I’m fine.” Chan’s vision is swimming and he sits himself up, intent on trying to stand and prove his point, but when he lets go of his knee, Felix goes to (gently, in all fairness) peel the fabric of the brace away and assess the damage. Felix isn’t doing anything wrong and he’s tender in his touch, but when he tries to pull the brace off, it hurts so bad, Chan lashes out before he can stop himself. “Felix, will you fucking stop?!” He snaps, his voice reaching a volume he doesn’t even recognize when the sound hits his ears, but words keep spilling out of his mouth. “It’s fine, okay? Leave the fucking brace alone, I’ll be okay in a second.”
It sucks the air out of the entire room, Felix looking at him with wide shocked eyes before his lips begin to quiver and he starts blinking rapidly. He has the most beautiful brown eyes and Chan can see them filling with tears clear as day.
“Hey, hey, chill out,” Changbin says, hurrying over and kneeling next to Felix, putting a hand on his back and rubbing as he looks down at Chan. “You’re hurt, hyung. Felix is right, don’t snap at him like that.”
Chan blinks his eyes, shocked at himself. Did he really just lose his temper at Felix? God, he can’t even think straight right now, his vision is getting black and blurry at the edges and he feels weirdly outside of himself. Felix is crying — quiet little sniffles even as he takes the water bottle Changbin came to offer and holds it out to him.
“Lix…” Chan breathes. “Baby, I… I didn’t mean to do that, I just…”
“Just drink some water please,” Felix croaks, wiping his eyes as soon as Chan takes the bottle from him. He takes a few sips not even because he feels like he needs it or that it might help, but because Felix looks so utterly crushed, Chan will do whatever he says in this moment. Has he ever yelled at Felix before? Ever? How could he do that when he was just trying to help?
“Stay with him please and don’t let him stand up by himself,” Felix sniffles as he gives Changbin the instructions, the other members looking on with a mix of shock and sympathy. “I’m gonna go get someone.”
“I got him, Yongbokkie.” Changbin nods and gives him a final pat on the back before Felix rises to his feet and rushes out of the room. Chan is dizzy, but he thinks he heard Felix’s breath hitch — the sound he makes when he’s holding back sobs, not just tearing up a little bit.
“Damn.” Han blinks as soon as the door shuts. “I have literally never seen you guys fight before.”
Chan makes a miserable sound and scrubs a hand over his face, blinking back his own tears. He is not going to cry no matter how fucking bad he feels or how worried he is that he just actually broke his knee cap. He doesn’t deserve to. Felix was here taking care of him, concerned for him, and Chan had yelled at him. “I’m sorry,” he swallows, staring up at the ceiling tiles. “I’m so fucking sorry, guys.”
“Don’t apologize to us,” Changbin says, squeezing his shoulder. “Accidents happen. Just stay down and try to take deep breaths.”
“I don’t know why I yelled at Lix like that, I’m just freaked the fuck out right now.” Chan takes a deep shaky breath in and puts his hand over his eyes. He’s shaking. It’s not just that he’s hurt, it’s that an injury could put him out of commission for all the important schedules they have coming up, everything they’ve been working so hard for. Oh God, he detests himself.
“He’ll be okay,” Minho supplies. “You can say you’re sorry to him after you get patched up, I'm sure you’re not the first person to lose your temper right after an injury.”
“He was just trying to help.” Chan swallows. “God, that was so mean.”
“Let it go for now, hyung, seriously,” Changbin says, handing him the water again. “Drink a little more. You’re hurt, let’s focus on that.”
Felix returns a few minutes later with the company physician, an orthopedic doctor with plenty of experience in dance related mishaps and injuries and one that Chan is familiar with. He can see that Felix’s eyes are still wet and a bit pink, his voice a little extra raspy as he brings the doctor into the studio.
“Lix?” Chan props himself up on his elbows. He wants to call him by a pet name, spill his guts immediately and say he loves him so much and he never meant to yell, but only the staff that works with them closely knows about the relationship. In front of the doctor, it’s safest not to be too open. “I’m so sorry I yelled like that, I didn’t mean it.”
“I know. It’s okay,” he says, not meeting Chan’s eyes. It terrifies him for a moment — Felix avoiding his gaze — but Felix still walks with the doctor and kneels beside him, his hand coming to Chan’s shoulder and gently squeezing.
Chan is so relieved, he could cry.
The doctor resumes what Felix had been trying to do previously, instructing Chan to stay still while he pulls the brace down and off. Even the lightest touch to the kneecap makes Chan hiss in discomfort, but he tries not to show it too much on his face.
“This could easily be broken, we’ll need to send you for an x-ray,” the doctor says and Chan wants to his head back against the floor. “I’ll call the referral over and have the staff arrange a car right away. Can someone help you downstairs to the garage?”
“I’ve got him,” Felix says quietly. “Should we try to keep it elevated in the back seat?”
“Yes, as best you can.”
“Can he take anything in the meantime for the pain?”
“I’ll bring something.” The doctor stands and leaves the studio again, leaving Chan still lying next to Felix, feeling like the worst person in the world.
“Felix?” He asks, his voice wobbly. “Felix, baby, seriously, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Felix takes a deep breath and reaches out to stroke his hair, giving him so much attention that he doesn’t deserve. “You’re just hurt. I know you didn’t mean it.”
“Do you guys need any more help?” Changbin offers and Chan shakes his head.
“Will you just talk to PD-nim for me and let him know what’s happening? I’ll text everyone as soon as we know if it’s broken or not.” Chan sighs and turns to look up at Felix, miserable. “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you. I was just trying to be a good leader, I-I didn’t mean to jeopardize our whole schedule, I…”
“Shh, shh, don’t worry about the schedules right now,” Felix murmurs, his expression soft and a bit less sad as he continues to card his fingers gently through Chan’s hair. “Let’s just focus on getting you taken care of.”
The guys all reiterate that no one is mad at him and the injury isn’t his fault, but Chan knows it is. If he had stayed behind and slept like Felix told him to, this wouldn’t have happened. If his stupid insomnia was under control, he wouldn’t have been exhausted in the first place, wouldn’t have gotten hurt, wouldn’t have snapped at Felix.
“Are you okay with me coming with you?” Felix asks and the question nearly breaks Chan’s heart.
“Please come,” he sniffs, reaching out and grabbing Felix’s hand. Felix is the only one who really knows that Chan is embarrassingly terrified of the doctor. He hates it and even though he hasn’t earned Felix’s comfort, he still needs it now more than ever. “I-If you want to,” he adds. “You don’t have to, especially after I-“
“I was just checking, Channie, of course I’ll come with you.” Felix bends over and kisses his forehead and Chan swears to God all his pain disappears for a second.
The doctor returns after a few minutes with a prescription and a couple pills to help the pain temporarily, but nothing very strong. Slowly, Felix helps Chan up and off the floor, but when he tries to put weight on his right leg, the blackness around his vision intensifies and Changbin has to come help hold him up for a second.
Luckily, Felix is strong as hell and they’re able to hobble out of the studio to the elevator just the two of them. He can hop a bit on his right leg which he knows will make for endless kangaroo jokes later on, but his left knee took some of the impact too and it doesn’t feel great as he leans against the elevator wall to give Felix a break from holding some of his weight.
“Are you dizzy or nauseous at all?” Felix asks, rubbing his back. God, he’s still so sweet and attentive even after being yelled at. Chan will never understand how he got to be so incredibly kind.
“A little of both,” Chan winces, reaching out to squeeze Felix’s hand as the elevator travels down to the garage. “Are you okay? I’m really so-“
“You don’t have to keep apologizing, it’s okay.” Felix steps closer and lets go of Chan’s hand, so he can give him a hug instead, even kissing his cheek. “I’m fine. I was just a little freaked out because you were hurt and you’ve never really… raised your voice at me like that before.” He clears his throat and pulls back as the elevator doors open to the garage. “But I’m fine and I’m not upset. You didn’t mean it, yeah?”
“I didn’t mean it at all, baby, I was just so overwhelmed. I never meant to lash out at you.”
“Yeah, you know I’m trained in first aid you big dummy,” Felix says as he wraps an arm around Chan’s waist to help him to the company car waiting for them. “You should let me help you when you’re hurt.”
Huh. Chan actually did forget about that — Felix got certified in all kinds of useful things from when he was a Taekwondo athlete and a little more injury prone. “You’ve got too many talents, Lix. I can’t keep track.”
“Mhm, so trust your genius boyfriend next time,” Felix teases as he helps Chan awkwardly hop his way to the van. He slides in first to make room for Chan to maneuver his way in and pats his lap when the door shuts. “Leg up, keep it elevated.”
Chan winces as he turns and Felix helps him kick his feet up in his lap as the driver starts the car. Luckily, the privacy divider is up, so Felix reaches over and holds his hand as soon as he’s settled, rubbing his thumb in soothing little circles over the back of Chan’s hand.
“Hopefully the x-Ray will be quick and we can leave,” Felix says, using his free hand to stroke Chan’s calf, knowing how much physical touch grounds him. “I know how much you hate the doctor.”
“It just gives me so much anxiety, I don’t know why.”
“Well, no matter what the result is, you’re going home to sleep after, okay?” Felix raises an eyebrow at him and if Chan wasn't in so much pain, he’d laugh a little at Felix’s cute stern voice he uses when he means business. “I can stay with you if you want or I can go, whatever will help you sleep.”
“Would I be a total asshole if I asked you to stay?” Chan swallows. “I’ve been such a dick to you today, but… I-I really need you near me.” God, he’s selfish, but he’s so afraid that he’ll end up lying in bed completely miserable and wide awake without Felix. Plus, he just doesn’t want to be apart from him. He feels horrible about his outburst and he wants to cling to him, prove he isn’t angry.
Felix looks at him with the softest, kindest expression, reaching over to hold his hand again. “I’ll be there as long as you need.”
“You really aren’t upset at me?”
“Channie, nobody's perfect. I’m not upset, I promise.”
“Okay,” Chan croaks, his eyes stinging a little. “You know I love you, yeah?”
“I know,” Felix laughs and the sound soothes Chan more than any medication. “I love you too. Let’s talk to the doctor about your sleep issues, okay? We have to take care of this. No more pretending you’re fine sleeping two hours a night.”
Chan nods and brings Felix’s hand to his lips, kissing his open palm before squeezing it tight. “Whatever you want me to do, baby. Anything.”
“Don’t do it for me.” Felix rolls his eyes. “Do it for you. This is your health, hyung.”
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.” Chan laughs a little. “I’m not… the best at taking care of myself.”
“And I know you can do it because you take such good care of everyone else.” Felix squeezes his hand right back. “Start showing yourself that same level of care, okay? Or else I will be mad at you. A little.”
“Okay, okay, I’ll do it for me.” Chan smiles despite the fact that he can feel his heart beating in his knee cap. He’ll get his shit together after this, that’s for sure. He’ll do it for himself, fine, for his health, but he’ll still do it for Felix too — to stop worrying him so much. Felix is his sunshine and the group is his rock. Maybe if he really wants to be a good leader, he should… take slightly better care of himself.
The clinic is nerve wracking even though Chan knows his status as an idol gets him the easiest experience possible. He just hates the fluorescent lighting, the antiseptic feel of everything, the shame of feeling afraid and anxious for something as trivial as an X-ray. To make matters worse, they send him for an MRI right after and he has to lay still for what feels like forever, enduring the loud noises of the machine, resisting the urge to fidget or run out of the room (if he could run at the moment).
When he’s done being scanned every which way, Felix is right there, squeezing his shoulder and stroking his hair, telling him they’ll be done soon. When the company calls for an update, Felix snatches the phone and handles all the communication for him, insisting that he take Chan home to rest until the company physician can review his imaging, requesting a longer appointment for Chan to discuss his insomnia in addition to the injury. Chan wants to hug the life out of him. He can’t remember the last time someone took care of him to this extent rather than vice versa. He thinks he might be falling apart without Felix right now.
The doctors at the clinic get a proper brace around his knee and send him off with a pair of crutches, so he can move without hopping around like a one legged kangaroo. The members have already been spamming the group chat with gifs of the animal along with a dozen texts that say some variation of ‘Chan right now.’
Chan finally feels like he can breathe when they leave the clinic, Felix helping him into the backseat of a company car once again to be taken home. He’s still incredibly anxious about their schedules. If his knee is broken or if he needs surgery, he’ll be completely out of commission for a little while at best. The thought of missing so many important shows and promotions makes him nauseous, but Felix seems to sense that he’s ruminating and puts an arm around him, easing Chan’s head into his shoulder and kissing his forehead.
“Stop thinking so much,” Felix whispers, nuzzling his nose against Chan’s hair. “It’s gonna be okay.”
“Thanks, Lix.” He sighs, trying to just admit defeat and relax, but it’s hard to untense.
“Still hurting?”
Chan nods, but the physical pain is the least of his worries.
“Poor Channie hyung.” Felix is teasing a little and his levity helps as Chan nuzzles his cheek against his shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’ll be your nurse.”
Chan cocks an eyebrow.
“Okay, don’t be so horny about it.”
When they make it back to the apartment, Felix escorts him inside where Hyunjin is making ramen in the kitchen and Han is waiting anxiously on the couch with Changbin. They’re met with a chorus of ‘are you okay?’ and ‘is it broken?’ to which Felix shoos them all away and says they won’t know until the doctor reviews the images later and to be quiet so Chan can rest.
Chan can’t help apologizing to everyone a few more times, but Felix still ushers him away and into his bedroom with a warning that any roommates who wake him up will have hell to pay, but that he’ll also make everyone brownies later since it’s been a stressful day.
“Okay, come ‘ere,” Felix says, taking the crutches and leaning them against the wall before he wraps an arm around Chan’s waist to support him towards the bed.
“I’m okay, Lix, you don’t have to do all this.”
“This is exactly what boyfriends are for, I’m not gonna make you hop on one leg into bed,” Felix insists, guiding him towards the bed until Chan can sit down on it and arrange himself on the right side of the bed, leaving room for Felix to join him. “Shirt off,” Felix says while he kicks off his shoes and shrugs the jacket off his shoulders.
Chan obeys without question, tugging his shirt off over the back of his head and tossing it aside. He digs his jewelry out of the pocket in his shorts too and sets it all on the nightstand — he had to take everything out for the MRI machine.
Felix strips down to just his underwear then goes rummaging through Chan’s dresser to steal an oversized t-shirt for himself. It drapes down to the top of his thighs, leaving long legs exposed as he goes into the adjoining bathroom and returns with a glass of water. “Drink,” he instructs, bending down to press a kiss to Chan’s forehead.
“Wow, Nurse Felix means business.”
“Damn right he does.” Felix continues his work while Chan obediently drinks down the water, gathering a few spare pillows and wrapping them in a throw blanket by the foot of the bed to make a cushion. He brings it over and helps Chan gently maneuver his leg on top of it, elevating his knee, before he turns all the lights out and slides in to bed beside him. “Do you feel like you can sleep a little? Does it hurt bad enough to keep you up?” Felix attaches himself to the side of Chan’s good leg and immediately snuggles in close, looking up at him with concern.
“I’m sure I can, I’m just still pretty anxious about everything,” Chan sighs. He wants to lie and say he’s fine, that he’ll go right to sleep and Felix can wake him when the doctor calls, but his stomach is in knots. How long will he be unable to practice? Will he be able to exercise? Will he be able to participate in their upcoming shows at all? “I’m sorry, I’m sure I’ll be able to fall asleep eventually, it’s just… hard.”
“You don’t have to be sorry. I’m here to help.” Felix shuffles up a little bit, folding his arms over Chan’s chest as he leans in close to press warm gentle kisses to each of his cheeks then the corners of his mouth, his jaw. “Does that feel nice?”
“Yeah,” Chan breathes, eyes falling shut as his arms wrap around Felix’s narrow waist, one hand sliding up the t-shirt to feel the smooth skin of his back. Felix is always so warm. It reminds him of sunshine, of home in Australia. He loves to touch him.
“Stop thinking about everything and just feel me, okay? Focus on me, hyung.” Felix speaks in that low voice that always travels right down Chan’s spine, his lips grazing his ear. He mouths over the lobe next then begins to travel down his neck, kissing and biting gently so as not to leave marks, using his tongue to soothe the spot each time he nips.
“Felix,” Chan gasps when he latches on and sucks carefully on his collar. Fuck, he is forgetting all about the pain in his right knee. He’s getting hard.
“Yeah, hyung?” Felix smiles up at him, grins actually, his eyes bright and full of that playful mischief Chan loves as he trails a hand down between Chan’s legs and palms over his dick through his shorts. “Something wrong?”
“Is this you trying to get me to sleep?” Chan laughs, his face flushed as Felix continues to rub him, rousing him from slightly interested to fully hard in record time.
“This is me helping you relax,” Felix says nonchalantly, sliding down a little so his face hovers over Chan’s chest. He leaves a trail of warm kisses with parted lips over his pecs before he hums and takes a nipple in his mouth, sucking lightly as he bathes the sensitive nub with his tongue.
Chan has to put a hand over his mouth to keep a moan from escaping, his abs tightening with tension as Felix slips a hand into his shorts.
Felix makes a pleased sound against him and pulls his dick out underneath the covers, stroking it as he flicks his tongue over the now hard nipple in his mouth. “Don’t worry about the mess or anything at all, ‘kay?” Felix raises his head to say, waiting for Chan to take the hand away from his mouth before kissing him sweetly on the lips. “Just relax. Focus on me.”
“Baby,” Chan sighs, wondering if he could possibly be any more in love with this boy. “Fuck, do you know how amazing you are?”
“Pretty amazing, I know,” Felix teases before stealing another kiss, nuzzling their noses together as he rubs his thumb in slick circles around Chan’s tip. “Be a good boy and come for me, okay?”
Chan is more than happy to follow instructions.
Felix lets Chan hold him close and kisses him over and over as he gives him slow steady waves of pleasure. There’s no teasing, no edging, just a relaxing and predictable guide towards orgasm while Chan gets to lose himself in their kisses. There’s something meditative about making out slowly with no other purpose than to be close to one another, to relax, to feel good. Felix makes these pleased little humming sounds against him like he really enjoys what he’s doing, enjoys being intimate in this easy casual way. He’s mastered the art of jerking Chan off too — knows exactly how he likes to be touched, where he’s sensitive, how much pressure to use. He even has the foresight to reach over and grab a few tissues from the nightstand when Chan gets close.
Chan comes with a low groan against Felix’s lips, the orgasm washing over him as Felix strokes him through and catches all of the mess. When he starts to come down, a heaviness sets into his limbs and he can hardly keep his eyes open as Felix tosses the tissues in the trash and settles back into his arms. “Love you so much,” he mumbles into Felix’s hair. “Gonna sleep now.”
“There’s my tired Channie,” Felix chuckles, kissing him right above his heart. “Sleep as long as you need, I’ll only wake you up if the doctor is ready to see you.”
Chan gives a sleepy nod and finally surrenders to the tiredness that’s been plaguing him, falling into sleep rather than chasing after it for the first time in days. Felix is a warm grounding presence in the bed with him, his head a pleasant weight on his chest, his breathing a gentle guide for Chan’s own.
He falls asleep in minutes.
*****
Chan can’t bring himself to be upset when he’s woken up a few hours later. He wakes to Felix pressing soft warm kisses over his face, his low voice murmuring to him to wake up, his sweet freckled face smiling down at him when he opens his eyes.
“Hey you,” Felix practically coos, pressing a kiss to the center of Chan’s forehead. “You did so good, baby, you stayed asleep for a few hours.”
Chan yawns and closes his eyes again, ignoring the throbbing pain in his knee as he hugs Felix tight. “Sleepy,” he mumbles. He wants to go back to sleep already, wants to stay in this warm safe place with Felix for as long as he can.
“I know, baby, I know.” Felix nuzzles their noses together. “But the doctor’s ready to see you and we have to go.”
Shit, the doctor. Suddenly Chan remembers that he might have a career altering injury and his blood runs cold, his chest tightening. Felix must feel the immediate tension because he starts to run a hand through his hair, already trying to soothe him. “Can we go now? I kind of want to get it over with.” He sighs and is grateful when Felix squeezes him in a hug.
“You still want me to come with you?”
“If it’s not too much of a bother.” Chan winces. “I’ve been asking a lot of you today when I was such an asshole earlier.”
“It’s not a bother,” Felix assures, kissing the tip of his nose before rolling out of bed to get dressed again and hand Chan his clothes.
They make themselves presentable and Chan hops his way over to his crutches, trying not to feel embarrassed about using them. His stomach hurts just from the anxiety of it all. What is he going to do if he’s too hurt to participate in their schedules? How will he tell the guys that he’s fucked everything up?
Felix keeps a hand on his back, a comforting presence as they leave the apartment and get picked up for the short trip back to the company building where their doctors and trainers are housed. God, he can’t even do the five minute walk from his place to the company.
Once they reach the clinic, a staff member is quick to bring them to an exam room, Chan hopping up onto the padded bench to wait for the doctor while Felix stands by his side.
“It’s gonna be okay,” Felix says, his hand on Chan’s good knee, his touch still careful to avoid the bruise there. “Whatever happens, we’ll work it out. Things can be rescheduled.”
Chan just groans, but he doesn’t voice his more pessimistic thoughts. Felix is so supportive, he doesn’t want to be miserable in response, but he feels a little like the world is ending.
The doctor enters after a few short minutes of waiting, tacking Chan’s x-rays up on a white light up board and pulling his MRI up on a computer screen for them to see. Chan stares at the images, his heart pounding as he tries to understand what he’s looking at. He can see his knee cap in the x-rays and it doesn’t look like it’s in a million pieces. That’s good right? Does that mean it isn’t broken? He can’t make sense of the MRI — it just looks like a big gray blob, but he finds himself looking for anything that looks like a crack in the image.
“It’s not broken,” the doctor says and Chan’s eyes light up, relief flooding through him for a handful of amazing seconds before he sees that the physician’s expression is still serious. “But there is a contusion — a nasty one.” He points to the slightest shadow on the MRI and Chan deflates, dread filling his gut once more.
“What does that mean?” Chan swallows. He can see Felix’s concerned expression out of the corner of his eye.
“It’s essentially a bone bruise. The soft tissue might heal in as little as a week, but the bone will probably take two months to heal.” The doctor presses his lips into a straight line and Chan knows he’s going to hate whatever he’s about to say. “We have to pull you from activity for two weeks at the absolute minimum. You should be out of dance practice or any heavy physical activity for a month, maybe two.”
“No, fuck, you can’t do that,” Chan croaks, his eyes welling with frustrated tears as his fingers dig into the bench. “Please, just tell me we can wrap it tight and put me on meds, I’ll take anything. I’ll do anything.”
“Christopher, this is a best case scenario. We could be looking at a fracture. You’re lucky it’s only a contusion that will heal well as long as you rest.”
“But we have so much happening in the next two months.” Chan’s breath hitches as he speaks, his body feeling cold and his hands feeling shaky. Is he crying? God he doesn’t know how many times he’s going to embarrass himself today, but he can’t do this. “W-We have shows, we have releases, we have so much coming up. Everyone is counting on me, I-“
“Channie, breathe,” Felix says, rubbing his back and trying to look into his eyes, but Chan’s vision is swimming.
He tries to take a deep breath, but it comes up short, his breathing coming rapidly one gasp right after the other and he can’t seem to stop. How is he going to tell everyone? This is all because he insisted on coming to practice this morning. This is all because he can’t fucking sleep. If he just had more discipline, if he was just better, he wouldn’t be in this position. The whole group is going to be hurt because of him.
“Chris?” Felix’s voice has that scared worried edge to it again. “Chris, hey, hey, it’s okay,” he tries to soothe, looking at Chan desperately. “I’ll help you tell everyone the news, we’ll move things around, it’s going to be fine, I promise.”
“You can’t promise that, Lix,” Chan chokes and he feels wetness on his cheeks. Everyone is going to hate him for this whether they say so or not. They might not voice it, but they’ll resent him. He’s blown it as a leader. He’s fucked up as a friend, as a boyfriend, as everything. He can’t breathe, can’t take a deep breath even as he keeps trying to.
“Chris, we’re going to lie you down, okay? Keep breathing, try to do so as deeply as you can.” The doctor places one hand on Chan’s shoulder and carefully maneuvers him onto his back, lifting his injured leg up slowly and onto the bench, so that he’s lying down.
“Felix?” Chan sniffles, reaching blindly for him until he feels a familiar hand grasping his own, lacing their fingers together.
“I’m right here, shh, I’m right here,” Felix murmurs, squeezing his hand back. His low voice is soothing and Chan tries to latch onto it, to listen to Felix’s words and calm down for his sake, but it’s eating him alive that Felix is one of the people he’s letting down with this stupid avoidable injury. He’s been working so hard to make these upcoming performances special and Chan has ruined all his hard work with one botched move.
“Chris, I’m going to take some long deep breaths and I want you to follow along to the best of your ability until you can match my pace, alright? Close your eyes. Focus only on breathing.”
Chan shuts his eyes and holds tight to Felix’s hand as he takes a deep shaky breath in. He manages to hold it for a second before breathing out, but then he hiccups and inhales rapidly again. Fuck.
“Take your time, just keep trying. Match my breathing. In for four and hold.”
It takes an embarrassingly long time for him to do something as simple as taking a deep breath. He can feel himself shaking and he doesn’t understand why his body has to betray him at every turn. Finally, he manages to sync up with the doctor and his heart doesn’t feel like it’s trying to beat out of his chest. He swallows hard and opens his eyes, looking apologetically at Felix. “I’m sorry, Lix.”
“Don’t be sorry. Stay still, just focus on staying calm,” Felix says, his free hand coming up to push the hair out of Chan’s eyes. They’re probably being a little too affectionate in front of someone who isn’t in on their relationship status, but everyone knows that they’re close. Chan can’t bring himself to turn away from his comfort right now anyways.
“Does this happen often?” The doctor asks and Felix answers for him.
“His anxiety has been worse lately,” Felix says. “He isn’t sleeping. He’s up all night and when he goes down, he’s up again after an hour or two, just really restless and then he still drags himself to practice on less than four hours sometimes.”
The doctor doesn’t ask how Felix is so intimately familiar with the sleeping habits of someone who is very much not his roommate anymore. “And the panic attacks? Like this one?”
“Rare. Han gets them often, but Channie is usually more of this prolonged constant anxiety than short intense episodes.” Felix rubs his thumb in soothing circles over the back of Chan’s hand, looking down at him, worried. “Is there anything you want to add?”
“No, um…” Chan sniffles a bit and blushes as he uses his free hand to wipe his eyes. “You summed it up.”
“How long have the sleep issues been going on?” The doctor grabs a clipboard and starts to write things down.
“Forever?” Chan sighs. “Worse in the past month though. I just can’t relax enough to sleep, I’ll lay there forever and just be stuck awake the entire time.”
“How do you feel during the day?”
“Tired.” He shrugs. “Anxious. Not every second, but… a lot I guess.”
“Not sleeping isn’t going to be an option while you heal. I’m going to write you a few prescriptions — a sleep aid, a mild painkiller, and a medical brace for the knee that you should wear all day except for the shower.” The doctor scribbles a few things on a prescription pad, tearing off three pieces of paper and setting them aside. “I’m also writing you a referral for counseling.”
“What?” Chan sits up and frowns. “Can’t I just have the sleep aid? I mean if I can sleep, I won’t be so anxious… right?”
“Let’s find out,” the doctor says in that matter of fact tone that leaves no room for argument. “RICE protocol for the next few days, alright? Rest, ice, compress, and elevate. Come back at the end of the week and I’ll see how you’re doing and we’ll make an exercise plan to help you maintain your strength in the rest of your body while the kneecap heals.”
Chan drops his head, but accepts the defeat. He’s fucked for the next two months and he has to go to therapy. Fuck him, right? Not to mention panicking like that and probably freaking Felix out even more. He listens as the doctor wraps up the plan for check ins and how staff will pick up the prescriptions, but mostly he feels numb, mumbling a polite apology before the physician leaves.
“Are you okay?” Felix asks, his hands coming up to cup Chan’s cheeks as soon as the doctor is gone. His eyebrows are all pushed together and he looks so worried, Chan would find it endearing if he didn’t feel so guilty.
“I’m okay,” Chan promises, hooking his finger around one of Felix’s belt loops to pull him closer before leaning his head forward onto his shoulder. “I’m sorry for freaking out like that.”
“Chris, I’m so worried about you,” Felix says, pressing kisses into Chan’s hair. “We’ll work out the schedules, just please use this time to rest and heal and figure out how we can help you sleep at night, okay? I promise no one is mad at you. I shouldn’t have said I told you so when you were hurt, I-I was just worried and-“
“It’s okay, Lix.” Chan squeezes him. “Really, I don’t know how I could deal with any of this without you here and… you were right. This wouldn’t have happened if I stayed home today.” He takes a deep breath and gives Felix a kiss before hopping off the bench, landing on his good leg as Felix hands him the crutches. “I guess we should go tell the guys.”
“I’ll be right there, yeah? I promise, everyone is just worried about you. They won’t be mad.”
“But what about Stay?” Chan sighs, making his way to the door as Felix holds it open for them. “I hate letting down the fans.”
“The fans would be more worried if they saw how exhausted you were. They’re always supportive when we have health issues, this isn’t any different.”
They walk out together, Felix slowing his pace to match Chan on the crutches.
On the short ride home, Felix makes him elevate his leg again, but keeps his hand on his thigh the whole time, always close, always touching him in some way to keep him feeling grounded. Chan doesn’t even know how to thank him enough. He’s embarrassed that he had a panic attack on top of everything else today, but Felix doesn’t treat him with an ounce of judgment — he never does. Chan sees him texting IN to bring him some things from their apartment, his heart softening at the realization that he didn’t even need to ask Felix to stay longer. He just knows.
Back at the 3RACHA + Hyunjin residence, Chan guiltily calls the whole band together for a meeting and tries not to tear up when he relays what the doctor said. He doesn’t truly expect them all to be angry or disappointed with him — he expects that they’ll say supportive things, but harbor those feelings inside. How could they not? He’s screwed up a huge amount of time for them and not everything will be able to be rescheduled.
Still, no one seems to judge him for a second. Changbin pats him on the back and tells him to focus on getting better. Minho reiterates that if he doesn’t take time to rest, his body will decide for him, so it’s best now to focus on recovery. Han offers to hang out in his room to work on tracks whenever he wants and everyone else chimes in to offer to keep rehearsing and writing, so everything is ready and then some for when Chan is healed. Felix sits on the arm of their living room sofa the whole time, keeping a grounding hand on Chan’s shoulder.
By the time everyone has accepted the news and refused to be angry, Chan can feel tears stinging at his eyes. The next hardest part will be telling the fans, but knowing his brothers and his boyfriend seem to really have his back, even for an injury that was preventable, it touches his heart.
*****
The next two weeks are somewhat of a reckoning. At first, Chan is miserable. He’s in pain, he can’t work outside of what he can do on his laptop, and he’s bored out of his mind.
It still takes the sleep aid medicine to knock him out at night. He’ll lay awake worrying about everything he’s missing, everything he should be doing, everything he could have done to prevent this situation until the sun comes up, but Felix has been staying with him every night. He makes Chan tea and tells him all about what everyone worked on that day, so he doesn’t feel out of the loop. He’s a real savior when it comes to getting all of Chan’s pent up energy out too.
He’s allowed to do some exercise — upper body only really — but it doesn’t tire him out enough and Felix has taken to inventing a little… reward system.
The first day of ‘counseling’ is like pulling teeth. Chan has to be dragged there on his crutches, complaining the whole way, and he tried to cancel the appointment no less than three times before Felix took his phone away and escorted him to the therapist himself. He feels stupid in that cozy little room, sitting on the couch with a woman he doesn’t know, looking at him with a kindness and understanding he doesn’t think he deserves. This kind of thing should be for people with way harder lives than him, right? He did this to himself and he has everything else in the world to be grateful for, but her questions are persistent until Chan’s mouth wobbles and he finally talks about all the things that keep him up at night.
He keeps going to the sessions, keeps doing what the doctor says, keeps focusing on resting even though it makes him want to tear his hair out, and Felix takes it upon himself to create some positive associations with self care.
“You went to all your appointments today?” Felix asks, dressed in only a black dance thong that sits high on his hips as he crawls towards Chan on the bed. He looks incredible at bed time, bare faced, blonde hair a little fluffy after he’s blow dried it, his freckles on full display with his beautiful brown eyes. He could ask Chan to kill a man and he’d probably say yes on the spot.
“I did.” Chan smiles. “Uncomfortable therapy and all.”
“Took your meds?”
“Everything except the sleep aid for after.”
Felix crawls over him, poised like a cat as he leans down and nuzzles his nose against Chan’s. “And you ate a real dinner while I was at practice?”
“Mhm, I even have Jisung as witness.” Chan grins up at Felix, his heart skipping in his chest as the boy he loves starts to press soft little kisses over his face.
“Good boy,” Felix murmurs in his deep voice, the sound going right to Chan’s dick as he turns his head and starts to kiss down his neck. “Missed you today, hyung. Couldn’t wait to finish and come home.” He lifts his head and kisses Chan’s lips, the tenderness of it making his heart feel light as he brings a hand to Felix’s cheek, caressing the soft skin with his thumb. Felix had been gone all day on a solo shoot for a magazine, but Chan had kept his promise and taken good care of himself in his absence, even if it meant keeping up with his therapy appointments.
“I missed you too,” Chan murmurs against his lips, sliding his free hand down Felix’s side then around to squeeze his ass. “I always miss you when you’re away.”
Felix chuckles when Chan squeezes his ass and shifts onto his knees, moving up to straddle Chan’s thighs and sit down in his lap. “You’re so high maintenance,” he teases, shifting purposefully to grind down against Chan through their underwear. “I really have to put on a show to tire you out at night, huh?”
“Shut up, you don’t have to.” Chan laughs, wrapping his arms around Felix’s waist and holding him close as they roll their hips together, faces flushed from the growing friction between them. “You could go right to sleep if you wanted to.” He leans in and nips at Felix’s lower lip. “But you don’t want to.”
“You got me there,” Felix sighs. “Unfortunately, I do, in fact, love riding you until you pass out.”
“See? Who needs all these doctors when I have you?”
“You can have both.”
Chan slides a hand down to Felix’s ass again, this time slipping under the thin string of the thong, intent on teasing his hole a little before they get started, only to find him already slick and loose. “Fuck,” he groans, dropping his head to Felix’s shoulder. “Baby, you spoil me.”
“I like being ready for you,” Felix breathes as Chan circles his rim with a couple fingers, gathering the slickness. “Fuck, put them in, Channie.”
Not wanting to be too rough, Chan grabs the lube from under the pillow with his free hand, pulling his fingers away only to slick them up properly.
Felix takes the opportunity to wiggle out of his underwear, tossing the thong aside and smiling bashfully down at Chan as he sits naked in his lap. He’s so fucking cute, Chan feels like he could eat him up sometimes, acting shy when they both know Felix loves being a little exhibitionist.
“Come here, baby, fuck,” Chan sighs, pulling him in to a deep kiss as he reaches around to slide his now slick fingers inside of him. He loves to kiss Felix when he fingers him. He gets all soft and squirmy, kisses Chan harder when he massages his prostate just right, purrs into his mouth as he gets stretched open. Chan is hard enough to cut diamonds in his boxers, but he ignores it for now, too wrapped up in the warm sweet boy in his arms and the little sounds of pleasure he makes as they kiss.
He works Felix open until he starts to whine, getting needier for more, and then they finally part just to get Chan’s underwear off — Felix avoiding his injured knee carefully as he tugs the fabric down his legs. They roll a condom onto Chan for easy clean up and Felix slicks him up himself, eyes bright and hungry as he coats him in the special warming lube he likes to use.
When Felix sinks down on him, Chan has to bite his fist to keep reasonably quiet, mesmerized by the blissed out look on Felix’s face as he takes him all the way inside. They used to have to spend forever on prep for Felix to take him comfortably and now he sits on his cock like he was made for it, his pretty tan cheeks flushed pink as he bites his lip and starts to bounce himself in Chan’s lap.
“Fuck, Lix, baby.” He tries to brace his good leg against the bed and thrust up against him, but Felix puts a hand on his chest.
“Uh uh. Be good for me, Channie,” he chides, keeping his hand there between Chan’s pecs as he rocks back and forth.
“Feliiiix.” Chan pouts, rolling his hips up, which Felix doesn’t protest, but he knows he’s not allowed to do much more. If he over exerts himself, Felix will stop until he behaves, but he refuses not to participate. He compensates by wrapping a hand around Felix’s cock, stroking him with a slick grip that makes him buck and whimper.
“Chris,” Felix leans over and braces himself on the bed frame, his head hanging between his shoulders as he rides him, purposefully tensing his muscles to squeeze Chan as tight as possible. The view from Chan’s perspective is breath taking, watching Felix’s hair drape down, framing his face as he tries to keep his moans quiet.
Chan strokes him just the way he likes, not too fast, but with a tight grip, stopping every so often to really play with his sensitive tip. He really loves everything about Felix’s dick. It’s in perfect proportion to his body, not too big, but definitely not small — though Chan would love him at any size. It’s easy to suck on, only a slight challenge to deep throat, and just enough for the occasional night where they switch things up and Felix gets on top. He thinks it’s pretty too, the way it flushes dark pink when it’s hard, how he can make Felix whimper just by pressing his thumb into the slit and drawing a deep little circle with it. He’s mastered jerking Felix off, though it’s much more of an art than a science. He can play Felix like an instrument, which is what’s made it so hard to just sit back and be given pleasure rather than getting to give it to Felix. But he can’t deny how breathtaking it is to watch Felix take his cock, moving however he pleases, driving them both towards orgasm with the expertise of someone who knows just how to make them both feel good.
“Nnn, Chris, I’m gonna come if you keep touching me like that,” Felix pants, starting to ride a little faster even though his abs and thighs must be getting a little tired.
“Then come,” Chan grins. “I like watching you come.”
“Don’t be rude.” Felix half gasps and half laughs as he stops and grinds down hard against Chan, trailing off into a groan. “Fuuuck.”
They get a little competitive during sex sometimes, each determined to make the other come first. Chan usually succeeds out of sheer determination and he doesn’t intend to give up his streak any time soon.
“Come for me, baby, it’s okay,” Chan coos, leaning in to kiss a line down Felix’s neck at the same time he thumbs his slit just the way he likes.
“Chris,” Felix whines, his thighs starting to shake. “Not fair.”
“Hm? What’s not fair?” Chan lifts his head and nibbles on Felix’s ear, the secret erogenous zone only he knows to make Felix crumble. “I’m just trying to make my boyfriend feel good, don’t you like when I play with your ears like this?” He nips at the lobe and Felix makes a sound mixed with pleasure and frustration.
“Fine, fine, fuck, you win, I’m gonna come,” Felix whimpers, his eyes fluttering shut and his abs starting to tense and untense, his body winding up for release. He always goes a little quiet right before he finishes, moans turning to gasps and labored breathing, the pleasure building inside of him. When it breaks, Felix clamps one hand over his mouth to muffle his cry and comes in ribbons over Chan’s chest and stomach as he rides out the orgasm.
The way his body rhythmically squeezes around him when he comes, it’s way too much for Chan to hold out any longer, but he still technically wins since he doesn’t come until Felix has already spilled all over him. He groans and throws an arm around Felix’s neck, kissing him deeply as his own climax washes over him, the wet warmth filling the condom around him as he licks into Felix’s mouth, dazed.
“Good boy, Channie,” Felix breathes when he starts to come down, pressing soft little kisses over Chan’s face. “Felt so good.”
“You say that like you didn’t do all the work.”
“Hush, I love the way you touch me when I ride you like this.” Felix lifts himself up and pulls off with a wince, sliding out of bed to fetch a warm wash cloth from the bathroom.
Usually, Chan does this part. He wipes Felix down and brings him water and clean pajamas, changes the bedding if he needs to, but not this time. Felix gives him the softest kiss in the world as he wipes the mess off of Chan’s torso, even tossing out the condom and cleaning him off down there with a giggle when Chan gets embarrassed. He disposes of the cloth in the dirty clothes bin and forgoes pajamas, still naked and glowing when he brings Chan a sleeping pill and a glass of water.
“Feel tired?” Felix asks, stroking his hair a little as he drinks before taking the glass back and setting it aside. The sleep aid works wonders for keeping Chan asleep, but falling asleep in the first place is still hard sometimes.
“Mhm.” Chan nods and he’s telling the truth — he does feel tired, sleepy even — the pleasant kind of worn out rather than a ragged exhaustion. He smiles when Felix slides into bed beside him without putting pajamas on. Felix doesn’t sleep naked all too often and Chan loves snuggling him skin to skin. “Thanks for taking such good care of me,” he says as Felix settles in as his little spoon, Chan wrapping an arm around his waist and kissing the top of his head. “I think I’d probably be losing it a lot more without you.”
“I just know slowing down’s been hard for you,” Felix says, leaning back into his touch. “You always take good care of everyone else. You were here for me when I moved to Korea, you talk Han down from panic attacks all the time, you called Hyunjin every day of his hiatus, you’re there for everyone.”
“Yeah, but I’m the oldest and the leader,” he mumbles, his eyes already falling closed as he cuddles Felix close to him. “I’m supposed to.”
“You can’t take care of seven other people without taking care of your own needs, Channie.” Felix kisses Chan’s forearm just because it’s close to his lips. “You have to lean on us too sometimes. Lean on me.”
“I have been.” Chan smiles. “You’ve been helping me kangaroo hop around all week.”
“You know what I mean.” Felix laughs a little and pulls the blankets up over their shoulders. “Everyone loves you even if you can’t provide for every single person all of the time.” He nuzzles his cheek against the pillow and relaxes into Chan’s touch, his body melting into him without a care.
If Felix’s words didn’t touch Chan’s heart, his actions sure do. Felix really does trust and adore him, to a point that Chan feels him at his most relaxed when he holds him. He’s been injured for a while now and no one seems mad at him, their fan base hasn’t shrunk, and Felix treats him the same… Maybe he’s right. “Thanks for letting me lean on you, Lix,” Chan says with a kiss to the top of his head. “Figuratively and literally.”
“You can always lean on me, Channie,” Felix speaks through a yawn, looking more like a cat than ever as he nestles right in. “Figuratively and literally.”
For the first time, Chan really believes he can.