Chapter Text
It's always her.
It's a nice cold Saturday. The sun had kept the heat to the max all day, starting to set just now. It disappears behind a cloud, illuminating the evening with a soft golden hue. Oh, the way the sun's gold rays provide warmth. I'll miss it. I'll never get to feel the way you made me feel whenever our eyes met. I'll never be able to feel the way you caress my cheeks. I'll never be able to kiss the only lips I'd want to kiss in my life again. I'll never see your smile again. I'll never see You again.
The sun gives the day away and lets the moon settle over me. I'm standing on the end of the boat. The place where you first confessed that you had feelings for me. The very first place we kissed. Well, not actually, but I like to think of it like that. The very first time we kissed, knowing that we both feel the same towards each other. I'm nearing the edge, contemplating on chickening out again. I've been here once before, with the same thoughts as I am now. But then you came. And my night brightened. You are my sun. My hands tighten around the railing of the boat. I look out onto the sea again. I find it so beautiful. The way the waves roll is almost hypnotizing. So mesmerizing. But not as beautiful as the blue you possess. Every glance of your eyes takes my breath away. The way you look, the person you are, is so perfect that it makes the word beautiful seem ugly.
Everything else fades to a blur when you're there. You are the only one for me. But you have someone else. You always do. You always come first in my book. But I don't in yours. She is always there. Always.
--
It's raining. I'm cold but I don't care. I was supposed to come over tonight, to tell you that I love you. To say that I have loved you for so long that I can't remember when I started. That I don't care what you say. That you don't have to say it back. That not telling you how I feel is tearing me apart inside. But I can't seem to make the last part of my trip. I'm standing across the street from your house, in front of my car, frozen. I can see you cuddling her, gifting her with kisses. I can't possibly break this up. You love her. And you deserve to be happy. And maybe one day I can be happy too, knowing that you are.
You stop cuddling her and notice me. You wave, gesturing for me to come inside. But I just stand there, soaked. You turn to her, talking. And then you're flying out the door, into the rain with not even a coat on.
"Hey. Why are you standing in the rain? Come inside."
You start walking back but I don't move. You look back and stop walking when you realise I haven't moved.
"Come on. Are you shy or something?"
You start pulling on the sleeve of my jacket. You can't move me from the spot I have spent the last hour in.
"Is something wrong?"
"No."
"Then what is it? Lets go inside and talk. I'm freezing and by the look of it so are you."
"I don't want to go there."
"This is about her, then? We've talked about this. You just can't ignore her forever."
"Watch me."
I start walking now. But not in the right direction. I open my car door and sit inside. I start the car when suddenly I hear a tap on the window. I ignore it. You open the backseat door and get inside.
"What are you doing?"
"If you are not comfortable with spending time with her, fine. But you can't just start running away."
"I'm not coming inside. Just go back."
You open the door. But you close it again. Why are you not leaving?
"I'm leaving. And so should you." I mutter to him, not caring if it's not what he wants to hear.
"Go, then. But I'm not leaving."
"Well, fine then."
I put the car in gear and start driving away. I casually look at the rear view mirror, finding you pouting at the window. I feel like this is a fight to see which one of us breaks first. Well fair enough, you win this time. I pull over to the side of the road and turn to you.
"You're serious about coming with me? What about her?"
"I want you to be there too."
I groan and rub my face. Am I talking to a two-year-old? No, they would understand better.
"You're leaving your house because I'm not there?"
My question goes unanswered. The next moment you pull my jacket and crash our mouths together. Your cold, wet lips are like a magnet to me. I find it hard to let you go. And I choose not to. You pull me towards you, our bodies begging for closeness. Your fingers grab onto my jacket tight, pulling me closer to you.
With my assistance, we are soon both on the backseat, me on top of you. Neither of us realise just what sort of a mess we are wrapping ourselves in. I know this is wrong. And if I was the one starting this, I would end it now. But it was you. And you're dragging me down with you.
Your legs wrap around me as I settle between them, your arms trying to pull my jacket off. Our kisses have turned sloppy and we finally manage to get my coat off. Your shirt is next. It's not that easy, the rain making it stick to your skin. But I get it off. And then I get rid of mine.
My lips go to your neck and your fingers struggle with my trousers. My trousers?
"Wait. Stop." I pull away. This is wrong.
"What?"
"You have her. What is this? You just kiss me, fuck me and then go back to her?"
"I don't know what's going on. And I don't know what will happen after. All I know is I want you right now. And I can see you want me too. So are we going to do this or are you going to leave me hanging like this?"
Hands sneak back to the buttons of my jeans. I put my hands over yours and pull them away.
"You're so slow." I say, starting to unbutton myself.
A few minutes later we are both sufficiently naked. You pull me back to lie flush on top of you, fusing our lips together. I break free from the kiss and replace my lips with my fingers.
After preparing you enough, everything stops. I need to be certain that this is something both of us want. There's no going back from here.
"Are you s-"
"Please.." You whine.
Are we actually doing this?
It's a little too late to ask it now. You pull me inside you and we both release heavy moans from the depths of our throats. I'm not moving yet, the shock freezing me in place. You pull me down to you.
"Kiss me. Kiss me and fuck me. Please."
Drops of rain fall from my hair onto your face. I wipe them off. I look into your eyes and kiss you. Like you asked. I start moving, like you asked.
I'm not regretting anything anymore, I no longer care about her. I don't care if this is wrong. It can't be wrong, when it feels so right.
Our moans increase, the end of the best thing that has happened to my life suddenly near. You start murmuring against my lips, so I pull away.
"Please. Please. Please."
I don't exactly know what you are begging for. But I know you are near. I can feel it. I lose all rhythm, starting to senselessly pound into you. And then it happens.
All I see is white. All I feel is pleasure. All I want is you. It feels like fireworks.
Our stomachs get coated with your come. I pull out and collapse on top of you, your body still shuddering. We lie there, trying to catch our breaths.
"I should go back."
--
And you did. You always do. We've slept together countless times. But it always ends with you going back to her. I've been stupid enough, hoping that you'll understand that I love you more than she ever will. But you don't. You say that even though you love me, we can never be together. But I don't understand. I love you. You love me. Why can't we be together?
I called you this morning. I almost hung up after hearing the cheery, tacky couple voicemail. I told you to meet me here. For the last time.
I thought you'd be here in the morning. But it's nighttime now. You're not here. And you probably didn't consider coming at all.
My life has lost all meaning. All I ever think about is you. You have taken over. And I can't take it anymore. I check to see that nobody is around and start untying my Cons and take off my leather jacket. I put my necklaces in there, together with my phone.
I step onto and over the ledge. I think about the last time we kissed. And I let go. I've started hearing things. I hear you call my name as I let go. But even if you are there, it's too late. I let the waves consume me. It was a nice cold Saturday.