Chapter Text
“I think about the end just way too much
But it's fun to fantasize
On my enemies who wouldn't wish who I was
But it's fun to fantasize”
Dan sings the words softly under his breath, trying to find a tune to carry them. It’s harder to do without his piano, or the ukulele he got a couple months ago, or GarageBand. Which are the few instruments he's vaguely proficient at. He can just barely hear what the song could be, but it just doesn’t sound right. He can never get his songs to sound perfect. That’s why he never shows them to anyone.
That’s why he’s sitting in a lecture hall writing song lyrics instead of listening to his professor talk about copyright infringement or whatever. Dan has no clue what made him think that law was the right thing for him to major in. He just felt like being a lawyer would make him seem smart and responsible. It’s sure as hell better than deciding to be a starving musician. Or at least, that’s what he keeps telling himself. It keeps him sane.
“I’ve been thinking too much
Help me”
He writes the two lines over and over again, drilling it into the head of the consumer. Who is no one, because like Dan would ever let anyone look at his bullshit poetic lyrics. They’re all stupid anyway.
Dan looks up and finds that everyone is filing out of the room. He blushes before hastily gathering up his crap. Sometimes he’s glad uni isn’t like high school and he doesn’t get yelled at for not paying attention, but sometimes he needs that extra push. He should feel like an asshole for wasting his parents’ money on tuition but he knows he’d be wasting it no matter what. At least this makes them happy, granted it’s blissful ignorance, but they’re happy. At least they get to think he’s going to make something of himself. Even if they’re the only people who do.
He wraps his scarf around his neck, but then he kind of feels like he’s suffocating so he loosens it. Dan pauses to take a breath, now is not the time. He feels his chest seemingly clog up and a lyric he wrote a year ago starts ringing in his head.
“I’m a goner, somebody catch my breath”
He doesn’t need to be reminded of that song. He’s supposed to be better now.
But he’s speed walking back to his dorm and he can’t stop his fingers from playing phantom piano keys, tapping out that all too familiar melody.
Dan takes an abrupt turn, deciding he can’t handle being cooped up in his tiny dorm room feeling like this. He heads towards the music shop that’s a couple blocks away from his campus instead. He breathes in and out carefully, trying desperately to enjoy the crisp autumn air.
He’s supposed to be better now. The writing is supposed to help him. He tried to ignore it for a while and that’s how he got so fucked up but he’s embracing it now and it’s supposed to make him better.
Dan thinks about his mom and dad back in Wokingham, working diligently to put their failure of a son through university. He thinks about his brother, almost done high school now. He’s going to be so much more than Dan will ever be. If Dan ever is…
Stop.
There’s a familiar clang of the cowbell hung above the door as he enters the music shop. It helps ground him. The store is called Notes, which is pretty lame, but Dan doesn’t know where he’d be right now if it wasn’t for this music shop. If he’d be.
“Hey!”
Dan turns to look at PJ, the manager of the store. He does his best to smile at him, not wanting the other boy to know that Dan’s had a bad day.
The plan fails immediately because PJ’s eyebrows crinkle together under his curly fringe and he asks, “Are you alright?”
Dan takes another deep breath, unnecessarily running his fingers through his hair then fixing it again. “Yeah,” He says, unconvincingly.
PJ looks displeased but he lets his friend get away with it. “Well, I hope you’re not here to finally take the job I’ve been offering you for about a year.”
“Why?” Dan takes the conversation bait gratefully, glad the attention is off of him.
“I’ve got an old friend from uni coming to work for me!”
Dan starts looking at the rack of CDs that is set up in front of the register, trying his best to not sound as disinterested as he feels, “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah! He’s really cool. I think you’ll like him!” Dan looks up and sees PJ with the most genuine grin on his face and he can’t stop thinking about how he doesn’t deserve a friend like him.
“I’ll be sure to stop by and meet him then.”
“He’ll be here by Wednesday! Promise you’ll come?”
“Yeah, I guess,” Dan agrees, not really meaning it.
PJ grins and nods then turns to grab a box of CDs he needs to restock, understanding that Dan wants some alone time. That’s the best and worst thing about PJ, because sometimes Dan doesn’t know if he should be allowed alone time.
Stopstopstop.
Dan takes a deep breath and walks over to the rap section. Recently he’s taken to listening to a different kind of music because being emo trash was kind of making him not better at all. And he is really trying to be better. Really.
“I’ll slip away into this sound”
He picks up an old Kanye West album. There’s someone Dan aspires to be. A huge asshole that knows he’s an asshole but still manages to love himself. Dan knows he’s a decent person and still can't manage to love himself.
He clutches the album close to his chest as he glances over the rest of the section. He spots the new Kendrick Lamar album that he’s been looking forward to and grins as he picks it up too. He makes his way over to the register to purchase them, satisfied that he’ll be able to stand his cramped dorm room if he’s got these to distract him.
PJ rings him up silently and reminds him to come back and meet his friend when he comes in next Wednesday. Dan gives him an empty smile and a noncommittal nod. He can feel PJ’s disappointed look burning into his back as he walks away. Once he’s outside, he takes another deep breath. At least he can feel his chest start to clear slightly.
Three playthroughs of Kendrick’s album later and Dan is actually feeling pretty good. He grabs his laptop off his bed and places it on his lap, immediately checking his YouTube subscriptions. He can’t help but grin when he sees a new video from his favorite channel.
AmazingPhil, a discovery Dan made about a year ago. Possibly one of the reasons Dan is still… That’s stupid though. To say something like that, about some guy he’s never met. Dan is stupid.
Phil is really great though. He makes these videos where he talks about things, which doesn’t sound all that riveting. He’s really funny and clever. Sometimes he makes these skits that are actually really creative and kind of surreal, but the comments don’t usually agree with Dan. Usually, those videos get less views and Phil’s subscribers call them “weird” or “creepy”. Dan loves them, he hates that Phil stopped making them as much.
Phil also plays the drums, really well actually even though he claims to be clumsy and uncoordinated. His drumming videos also don’t get that many views, but Dan can’t help but love them. Especially his original compositions.
Any kind of video Phil makes always manages to put a smile on Dan’s face, even when he feels like it’s not possible for him to smile ever again. Phil never lets him down.
Today he’s posted a drumming video. Dan clicks on it as quickly as possible, taking in the sight on his laptop screen. Phil’s gotten a haircut since his last video, his fringe shorter and the sides of his hair are shaved short. It looks amazing on him, as usual. Phil always manages to have exactly the hair that Dan wants.
He’s sat behind his drum kit and he waves at the camera with a grin before getting right into the drumming. The title of the video says it’s an “Untitled Original” and Dan is mesmerized by it. He can’t help but want to add more music to it, which is a problem Dan has with all of Phil’s original drum tracks. He can’t steal Phil’s work, but sometimes he wants to so much.
His mind starts adding a piano track to accompany Phil's drumming and soon lyrics start piling up in his head. He grabs his notebook to get them out.
"I just wanna stay in the sun where I find
I know it's hard sometimes
Pieces of peace in sun's peace of mind
I know it's hard sometimes"
Phil always inspires him so much. How could this random guy Dan has and will never meet be so good to him. Something about him just makes Dan feel... alive. He's been struggling with that lately.
He glances at the time on his laptop screen and sees that it's nearly midnight. He's been replaying Phil's video for hours and scribbling down nonsense lyrics. Dan stretches his arms out with a yawn, satisfied when his shoulder pops slightly. He scrolls down to the comment section to give Phil some feedback.
love videos like this! you're so talented this made me feel inspired to create something. can't wait for next weeks video
Dan always makes an effort to be to best fan he can possibly be. He also kind of wants Phil to notice him but he knows it'll never happen.
He yawns again and shuts his laptop, feeling satisfied and actually sleepy for once. It's a nice feeling, one he could get used too. Even if the cause is kind of stupid.