Work Text:
Admiral Matthias was in Republic of Televana which was a naval base building. He finished studying in a paper received by a navy officer and gave it back to him.
"Telegram." A navy postman arrived with a letter and the Admiral took it to pull it off from the envelope. It was a letter he unfolded and what it read was:
Admiral J. H. MATTHIAS
TELEVANA NAVAL BASE
THOUGH I HAVE NOT HAD THE PLEASURE OF MEETING YOU PHYSICALLY WOULD DEEM IT AN HONOR IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO ATTEND A LUNCHEON AT MY MANSION TODAY. I WILL HAVE MY CAR AT YOUR GATE AT TWELVE THIRTY. PLEASE ADVICE.
COUNT OGAI MORI - 24 PALM STREET
Oh dear. Who is Ogai Mori? Had the Admiral met Ogai before? Not really. He folded the letter and handed it to the man at his left hand. "Please wear my acceptance lieutanant."
The navy officer looked at it. "But Admiral, Count Mori was suspected to be a spy."
He removed his hat and kept it on his desk, getting up from his seat. "That's why I'm going there." He then removed his coat and the navy postman helped him. "Perhaps I can trick him."
"I see."
"Take my uniforms and have them pressed. And tell those dumb tailors not to burn holes." Matthias told to the navy postman.
"Aye aye sir." He saluted and walked away.
Mushitaro, Edgar, Karl and Ranpo were tailors, ironing and sewing uniforms.
"You know I'm sick and tired of being a tailor of the navy." Said the raven.
"It was your stupid idea." Mushitaro said. "Join the navy and see the world. No more rough business, just girls in the port." He imitated his girly voice, putting his hands on his hips. "I got a good mind to punch in your nose." He spoke in his normal voice.
"Yeah, we've still been alright if you hadn't blabbed off about us being tailors."
"Well can tailor fall into a sailor?" Ranpo questioned.
"I got a good time to bust this iron on your brain." Mushitaro lifted up the iron from the uniform.
"Look!" The raven pointed. "There's a huge hole on the pants. You should remember you have to pay for the last iron."
Mushitaro looked down and got shocked at the hole made in his pants as he kept the iron aside. "Look what you made me do to the captain's pants!" He gathered it up. "Fix that hole Edgar." And passed it to the American.
Ranpo scoffed and took a sip of a gallon of gasoline that was sitting next to him for the whole time. He did not swallow it whatsoever. He spat the liquid on the uniform as if he was a sprinkler and rubbed the fabric with it. "You know? Gasoline doesn't taste so good since prohibition."
Mushitaro looked at him. "What do you mean?"
"Because they ain't so good when they use it for making gin." The raven took the gallon to take another sip. "They're kinda good so here taste it." He gave it to the other.
"Go on, scram and get to work." As soon as he said that, he heard a whistle blowing off. "Guys, it's twelve o'clock. We've got an afternoon off."
The trio rushed to their dressing table to prepare themselves for their afternoon, blabbering nonsense for catching ladies.
"Hey!" The navy postman opened the door. "Clean and press for the Admiral and hurry up." He gave the uniform to Mushitaro before shutting the door.
"Clean and press for the Admiral." He passed it to Edgar.
Edgar said the same, passing it to Ranpo. As soon as the raven got it, he noticed a piece of paper hanging from the pocket. He took it, unfolded it one hand and read the letter that was written by Ogai who was considered as a spy according to the navy. He grinned upon the word 'luncheon' as he knew he might get fancy ladies there. He shoved it inside the uniform and trailed into the changing room. Meanwhile, Edgar was standing in front of the mirror, brushing Karl's fur. He had already combed his hair since morning and he didn't need to do that again.
"Boy when you see the dames go for me, you should see the ladies show their moves off, is she a babe when she gets a shave. " The American said to Mushitaro who was applying hair gel on his head. Hair gels were Mushitaro's cup of tea as he loved applying them on his head before brushing his hair.
"When I buy a yatcht, I wanna create a harem full of ladies." Said the Japanese as he combed his gelled hair.
Edgar kept the brush on the chair after his pet raccoon shook himself throwing off the excess dust and dandruff and wore his cap. Mushitaro did the same after combing his hair into a perfect hairstyle and took his pair of socks.
"Now I'm gonna change my socks. What an experience!" As soon as he moved to sit on a chair, he startled up feeling a brush prick his buttocks, thanks to the spikes.
"What's the matter?"
He pulled out the brush." Nothing." And hit his head, causing it to be glued to his scalp. "I always wanna see how you look with a brush on your head."
Ranpo came out of the changing room, wearing Admiral's uniform and saw the two dressing them. He inhaled, bringing his chest and approached to them. "Attention," he imitated the Admiral's voice.
The two heard his voice as they saluted, without facing him.
"Why aren't you men at work?"
"You see Admiral," Mushitaro replied as he walked forward. "I and Edgar were just standing."
"Oh look, there's an Admiral." He said in his normal voice, chuckling. The two noticed him running away.
"Get him!" He and the American chased him but they got knocked off by the door shut by him.
Ranpo exited out of the tailor room and hit himself by the wall he forgot to look at.
"I got you!" Mushitaro and Edgar caught the raven by his arms. "Hey you. Salute yourself to the officer." He told to the American.
Ranpo turned to him who performed a salute followed by a slap.
"Why you." Mushitaro slapped him who faced towards him, followed by a hit on his nose. The two navy policemen descended downstairs and saw Ranpo being assaulted by Mushitaro, Edgar and Karl. They approached to catch the accused from the poor raven.
"How dare you strike an officer?" A police officer asked Mushitaro.
"Exactly, how dare you?" Ranpo asked.
"I can explain officer." Mushitaro said but unfortunately he was taken away by the police officer, along with Edgar and his pet raccoon. Ranpo giggled.
The two were put into a prison cell, being accused of assaulting a person disguised as the Admiral. Edgar's head was resting upon Mushitaro's shoulder, whose cheek was resting against his fist. Karl on the other hand was doing nothing but roaming around the cell, sniffing dust. The American sighed, bringing his head up.
"You know I was thinking-"
"Quiet." Mushitaro cut him and gave a slap on his face.
Outside the prison cell, Ranpo appeared at the window staring at the two. He knocked at the glass pane, making them turn to him running to the bars. With signs and gestures, he said that around twelve thirty, he will go to a luncheon to have an afternoon off. The two didn't quite understand him. The raven then added that in there, he will pretty ladies and flirt with them with an attempt to fall in love, eat all the food he sees, drink champagne and even dance with the ladies he met for the first time. He then told to them that they should having fun in the cell while he will enjoy the afternoon at a luncheon. When he was imitating the signs, Admiral Matthias came over to stare Ranpo. When the raven saluted at the end, he whimpered turming to see him.
"How dare you wear my uniform?"
"I was taken by an errand." He turned away walking.
"Go ahead."
"I'll press them right away." The raven entered inside a room of prison cells and the police guard noticed him running.
"Is there anything wrong sir?"
"Everything's all right sir, I wish to talk to those two men."
"I allow you sir." He saluted as Ranpo walked to cell carrying Mushitaro and Edgar who were grasping the bars. "You know your small bet is if you give me five bucks, you'll get a piece of escaping out of the cell."
"I'll give you five bucks for your stupid brain." Mushitaro said, his voice low and deep.
"Yeah, please get us out, you super deductor. We're innocent." Edgar said, his voice low like the other.
"Hey Mr. Police Guard," Ranpo turned. "Put these men on bread and water."
"I won't forgive you for this." Mushitaro said.
"On second thought, plain water." The raven added to the guard before receiving an eye poke from the Japanese. "Salt water." He turned again and walked forward.
"Oh, Admiral." Mushitaro called.
"Yes?" Ranpo turned, approaching to the cell.
"You win the game."
Ranpo giggled as he and Edgar gave him five dollars. "You know I was thinking there's no sense of rescuing you guys out there like you need a pass for another game." He was about to walk away but Mushitaro caught him.
"You greasy bastard, if you don't let us out, we'll suffer."
"You're right." The raven cleared his throat. "Guard!" He called loudly. "Release these men!" As he moved away from the cell with a salute at the end, the guard approached to it to open the door.
"But we saw these men abusing an officer." He said as the two men got out of the cell.
"Abusing an officer huh?" He kicked Edgar's buttocks.
The American did the same to the Japanese who then kicked the police officer's buttocks causing him to do the same to the raven. His mouth went agape when he quickly realized and regretted his actions by walking into the nearby prison cell, saluting off. Mushitaro and Edgar shut and locked the door.
"Attention!" Ranpo said as the two turned to him. "Left face!" The trio turned to the front. "Forward march!" They stomped forward, exiting out of the prison room.
"My dear count Mori, your Admiral Matthias is late." A female spy in the name of Koyo Ozaki said to her boyfriend or partner. It was 12:30 pm and a luncheon was set in their mansion. There was few party guests drinking and chatting to each other.
"Admiral Matthias and his staff." A butler stepped at the side of the entrance and bowed down as the trio disguised as guests entered into the hall.
Ogai and Koyo looked at them. "That's not the right victim." He said in his low voice. "They may be a trap so be careful with them." He said as he and his girlfriend walked forward.
"Don't worry. I'll get them information as soon as possible."
"Admiral Matthias, I believe." He shook Ranpo's hands.
"How did you know I was Matthias?"
"Well everybody knows the Matthiases of Kentucky, one of the oldest famililes in America."
"Sure, everybody knows that old fella." Said Mushitaro.
"Would you introduce your friends?" Ogai was speaking in his polite tone.
"Well certainly this is-" Ranpo tried to introduce Edgar-
"My name's David Thatch." But the American was quick to say his name. His false name.
"Yuuka Morimo." Mushitaro introduced himself with his own made-up name.
Karl peeped his head through the Americian's Admiral uniform and Edgar pushed him in.
"Miss Ozaki, may I introduce Admiral Matthias, Commander Thatch and Captain Morimo?" Ogai asked his girlfriend.
The trio bowed down."Say, when do we eat? I feel hungry." Ranpo asked.
Mushitaro hit his head. "Be patient."
"You have a nice taste on clothing, mister." The American approached to Ogai while Koyo went to Ranpo, wrapping her arm around the other's.
"Oh, Admiral..." she called in a flirting tone.
Ranpo felt shyness beat in his chest, his face turning a little red. "Would you like to come and sit down?"
The raven focused his eyes on the redhead lady. "Would I? Let's go find a dark corner." He giggled as she took him forward, making a silly face on Mushitaro.
"Looks like the Admiral needs a fun time." He murmured to Edgar who joined him.
"Please leave him alone." He startled when his pet raccoon peeped out of his uniform's v-shape. "Hide inside." He pushed him down.
Ranpo and Ozaki sat on a couch. "Care for a cigar?" He pulled out a cigarette and tried to give her but instead put it between his lips. He didn't bring any candy he purchased for himself because if he did, he might be humiliated by the guests.
"Oh allow me." She took a nearby matchstick and a rough surface.
"Oh, please do."
She swiped the matchstick's head on the surface, litting it on fire and lit the cigarette. "Why don't you tell me about the Navy?" She asked.
"Sure." As soon as it got lit, he pulled away. "You see they feed you beans everyday except on Sunday. That's when you get bean soup and beans."
She kept the matchstick aside. "Oh, Admiral." She wrapped her arm around the raven's nape. "You're such a sturdy guy..."
Ranpo couldn't help himself blushing.
"And I'm your clinging vine." Her right hand went down to touch his crotch.
The raven startled at the feeling. "Don't you know the guests are around us?"
"They won't be traumatized because they're all adults."
"Urgh..." he hoped that he won't get am erection quickly.
"Won't you tell me about your submarines?"
"I've never been on a submarine before because I'm a tailor."
"Really?" Her hand shoved inside his pants to fondle his crotch. "Oh Admiral. Don't you trust me?"
He took a deep inhale and loudly exhaled at her flowery scent. "Of course I do but I don't trust myself."
"You naughty boy."
Ranpo kissed Koyo on her lips and the feeling made him go feral by shivering. He slid down from the couch and danced around madly. His burning cigarette sitting on the armrest was pushed down to the couch. He went back to it as he kissed her again. A party guest reached to a table for a drink and recognized the couple making out a little.
"Please sir."
"Come on tootie," Ranpo carried Koyo to his lap. "Don't listen to that guy."
The red haired lady smelled something awful. "Do you smell rubbish burning?"
Ranpo sniffed. "Smells like somebody's cooking onions." The two were about to make out but the raven felt something uncanny. "Get up, get up."
"Am I too heavy for you?"
"No but I feel my ass burning." He answered. "Get up!" He screamed with panic getting up from the couch, throwing Koyo down.
"I thought you were a nice guy."
"I'm sorry honey, I didn't notice my cigar burning my ass." He said to her getting on her feet. "Please give us another chance." He tried approaching to her walking away. Little did he not know, the spring was attached to his buttocks, thus dragging him back to the couch. The guest who sat on the armrest couldn't help himself laughing for the raven facepalming. "Say, you're getting in my hair."
He stood up to approach to a table carrying a tray of glasses and pulled it back with the support of the spring stuck to his buttocks. The glasses unfortunatly slipped away but thankfully they didn't break on the floor. He pushed the table trying to walk away but due to the floor being too slippery, he slipped down along with the table and got hit head hit by it. The guest laughed at him being a comedian and covered his face. Ranpo growled getting up and used his force to walk forward. He exited the room, baring the spring and finally it got pulled off from the couch, hitting his buttocks.
"You idiot," Mushitari came to him. "You wanna get a shame before we eat? What's the matter with you?"
"I think I got spring fever." Ranpo replied, holding a spring that was stretched out.
"Spring fever or hay fever? We gotta get thing out of your ass so that the guests won't see it." He hit the raven's head and took the spring.
Ranpo walked to the front will full force. Many guests were staring at him but they weren't murmuring to each other or at him as they were single. The spring was finally seperated from the raven's buttocks and the fabric stuck to it hit Mushitaro's face. Ranpo didn't know how to plead pity as the other approached to him.
"Why I oughta-" he pinched both of the raven't ears.
"You gotta show me!" The two turned to the entrance and saw the actual Admiral Matthias being brought to the mansion by a group of policemen.
"I tell you who I am, I'm Admiral Matthias."
"I beg your pardon my friend, there must be some mistake here." Ogai was standing next to the entrance with Koyo. "The Admiral has been here for quite sometime."
"I thought this guy was a phony when I caught him snooping around the window."
"Now wait a minute ladies and gentlemen, those three imposters can identify me." He pointed at the trio. "They're enlisted men." He and the policeman went to them. "Tell these men who I am."
"How should we know?" Ranpo was a little dumb as he had never seen his Admiral in his formal outfit.
"We don't remember seeing you in our lives." Mushitaro never thought of seeing his boss in a different outfit.
"What?" Matthias was dumbfounded.
"Just as I thought." The policeman said. "Come on Admiral, let's go." He touched the Admiral's shoulder, walking away with him.
"We'll be shot at sunrise for this." Mushitaro murmured to the others.
"Maybe the sun won't come out tomorrow, it might rain." Ranpo said and Mushitaro covered his nose with a fist to give it a hit.
"We gotta find a place to hide." Said Edgar.
Koyo and Ogai very well knew they caught the victims, even though they weren't their targets. "This plays right into our hands." She whispered to her boyfriend.
He nodded. "Certainly indeed."
She walked to Ranpo and wrapped her arm around the other. "How about that submarine Admiral?" She said in a flirting tone, smiling.
"Submarine?" Mushitaro said. "Well certainly that's perfect! What are we waiting for?" He took her away forward.
Before Edgar followed them, he took a huge mousse cake where half-quarter was cut for the guests. Ranpo did the same for the other whole cake where some pieces were cut for the guests also and followed the American from behind. He took a huge bite before he hit his nose on the other's back.
***
"Calling all patrol boats. Calling all patrol boats." The sailor was reading his paper. "Submarine M8 has left port unauthorized."
The trio were kidnapped by the spies and they were in the submarine being controlled by Ogai. Little did they know, they had never been in a submarine because they were tailors working in the navy base. Tailors don't get the experience of living in a submarine because the only profession they do is fixing clothes. They were threatened by Koyo holding a gun.
"Last seen headed out to sea." He continued saying through the speaker. "Stop her. That's all."
"Hmm, he speaks fact, you know?" Ranpo said, his hands being raised up like the trio.
"I told you, you couldn't get away with it." Said Mushitaro.
"My organization needs this submarine. If I don't, I'll be weak like them." Ogai said to the trio. He was in hold of the telescope.
"But what about us?" Ranpo asked.
"One more move out of you and I'll kill you." Koyo threatened, her voice as cold as her face.
"If you do, I'll never talk to you." The raven put his hands down but startled raising his hands, knowing pretty well that if he made a move, he would be killed.
Before Koyo would pull the trigger, her eyes gazed at a mouse present in the submarine. It was playing with Karl and she had never a raccoon getting along with it. She gasped in utter shock dropping the gun and fainted down as she never liked mice. The trio became free as Mushitaro went forward while Ranpo and Edgar smiled with relief.
"Thanks mouse." He said, giggling.
The Japanese grabbed the gun, pointing it at Ogai. "Stick em up!"
The spy noticed him and kicked the gun from his hand. Ranpo laughing got his forehead hit by it and fell down to the ground. Ogai was about a strike a punch on Mushitaro but the Japanese was the first to bring him forward forcefully. He slapped his face on both the sides like a kombatant and bent him down to strike his knee on his face. The spy groaned touching his nose and attempted to slap him but he received a knee punch on his groin. He quickly caught his shoulders just like the other and collapsed down.
Edgar was moving from side to side watching them roll from side to side like wrestlers. "Hold still Mushi!" He immediately grabbed a wrench lying fron the table. "I'll get him Mushi!" He was still following them tumbling left to right. "Hold him in one place!" He raised his hand. "Hold him in one place!" He hit Mushitaro by mistake as he rolled off from Ogai, being exhausted.
"Oh god..." The spy groaned as he got up, staring coldly at the American.
Edgar did not his fierce eyes piercing his face as he backed up. "Wait a minute. I picked the wrong guy."
"You did?" He followed him.
"Yes I did."
Ranpo on one hand stood up to pull a pipe that was next to him. Koyo on the other hand woke up, pulling her katana out of her kimono's obi. Ranpo sneaked behind the spy who wrapped his hands around the American's neck. He not only hit Koyo who was about to stab him from behind, he also hit Ogai who was about to violently choke Edgar. The raven put the pipe down while Mushitaro woke up to restrain the spy.
"Bring the rope!"
"I'll get it for you!" Ranpo ran to one side while Edgar went to the left.
The depth gauge was slowly moving to the right side as the submarine was sinking down, since no one was controlling her. As soon as its hand reached down to 420, she hit the bottom of the ocean. The trio felt violent vibrations as they fell down. The spies' bodies were bounded up by ropes.
"What happened?" Edgar said as the trio got up
"We must've hit land." Said Ranpo.
"I'll see." Mushitaro and the others went to see the depth gauge that was between two steering wheels. "We must've hit the bottom. We're lost and sunk to depth." He told the others.
"Oh no." The American said worryingly.
Ranpo wheezed, touching his chest. His mind was begging for water and he felt like collapsing down. Mushitaro and Edgar caught him as he coughed.
"What's the matter?"
"I'm practising how to run out of air."
"What do you think? Are we in the movies?" He fisted his stomach and his head.
"We're trapped like rats." Said Edgar.
"Speak for yourself." He said as Ranpo found a telescope.
"Oh, let's see what's in the scope." The raven put his eye on it, with the others looking at him. "I can see! I can see!"
"What? What do you see?" Asked Mushitaro.
"Water." The raven turned to him. "It looks like we're in the bottom of the ocean."
"I-" Mushitaro was about to punch him but the trio heard cat sounds.
The raven turned to put his eye on the telescope and saw a group of catfish passing by. It looks like they want space since a huge submarine was present being unconscious.
"What was that?"
"A school of catfish just passed by." He imitated cat sounds.
"Hold on man!" Mushitaro stopped him. "Get the opposed."
"What post? I can't see a post. I'm a street lamp."
"I'll streetlamp your asshole." He poked both of his eyes and Edgar pulled him back.
"Calling all battleships." The sailor spoke again, reading his paper. "Calling all Navy planes. Calling all bombers. Calling all navy planes." The trio still trapped in the submarine heard his voice. "Submarine M8 stolen by enemy spies. Seek her at all cost. That is all."
"This is not good guys." Ranpo said, his hands shaking.
"That is all? They had enough?" Mushitaro said.
"We gotta reach to the surface before we get killed by starvation and drowning." Said Edgar.
"Right." He said. "Take the steering wheel." He ordered the raven.
"What wheel?" He asked, since there were two wheels.
"Any wheel."
Ranpo took the right one while Mushitaro took the left, with Edgar going to a bunch of buttons. The submarine's engines started whirring up as she got the consciousness to raise up from the ground. The raven touching random buttons and knobs felt her flying.
"Hey guys! The submarine's moving! I can feel it in my bones!" He giggled and as soon as he touched one button, water gushed on his face. He inhaled raspily and coughed loudly, due to the fact he swallowed some salty water.
The submarine was almost in the middle of the ocean and the trio spinning the wheels felt her tilting from side to side as her energy was unstable. It seems that the boys don't know how to control her.
"I'll let her move forward." Edgar took the right steering wheel and spun it to the left.
The submarine began spinning in a horizontal line rising up and the trio weren't able to stand still, due to her being restless. The American almost fell off from the steering wheel but caught it again. The others were struggling to touch the buttons or move forward. She then spun vertically and the trio felt very giddy at the chaos. She rose up more, still being very restless. She hopped out of the water like a fish and splashed into the surface, doing the same repeatedly.
"Pardon sir." A navy officer reached to a door opened by Admiral Matthias. "Submarine M8 has just reached up to the surface."
"Order batteries 106 to open fire at once."
"Yes sir." He descended down the stairs as the Admiral stared at the submarine that was still jumping.
All the navy soldiers were setting up cannons targetting at the ocean and they were dropping bombs in them for shooting the still-jumping submarine. They began firing and all the bombs splashed the ocean, making her stop jumping.
"We're out of the ocean, let's get out of this submarine!" Said Ranpo.
"Okay." Mushitaro said as he and Edgar watched the raven unlock the lid.
He peeped his upper body from the roof. "Hey guys, the sky's blue!" He heard loud explosion sounds coming from the cannons and a bomb passed through his face. He startled at it, seeing it fly like a missile. He tried to speak but a bomb flew by and he dodged it. He rose up and tried to explain again but he dodged another bomb flying by. For the second time, he rose up waving a white flag but the bomb passing by broke it unfortunatly. The raven's body quivered knowing thst he might get killed by a bomb as he went down.
The Admiral was watching the scene with binoculars. "Seems that she's being fine." He lowered his binoculars, telling it to the navy officer. "I'm going aboard to that submarine."
"Yes sir." He saluted.
Mushitaro and Edgar brought Ranpo down. "Look what on earth they did do to my white flag!" The raven complained.
A group of planes were flying over the sky and its bottom opened up to release their missiles down to the submarine.
"It broke off!" Ranpo almost collapsed when he caught a heavy bomb.
Mushitaro and Edgar caught him. "What'd you get?" The American asked.
The raven was shuddering again. "A bomb!" He gave it to Edgar who passed it to Mushitaro like a fraidy cat.
"Wait a minute. This can't hide any of us." The Japanese gently placed it on the table.
"Oh." The raven grabbed a metal pipe.
"Wait a second." He caught his hand. "What are you trying to do?!"
"I'm trying to fix it so that it won't hurt anybody." He tried to hit it again but-"
"Halt!" The trio looked up to see Admiral Matthias and the police entering inside the submarine. "You'll be called to the police! Arrest these men!"
"Wait a minute sir," Mushitaro said. "we captured those spies." He pointed at the enemies who were bounded by ropes and gag."
"We did it for you sir!" Said Edgar.
"Oh remarkable!" The Admiral was looking at the spies. "You'll be rewarded for this. How did you capture them?"
"They were super uncanny so I had to grab a piece of pipe and ground them like this." Ranpo showed a metal pipe and with no knowledge, he hardly hit the bomb, killing everyone including himself in the submarine.
They were sent to heaven as angels, flying straight above the clouds. The Admiral was chasing them feeling very angry and rocked his fist, showing no forgiveness on the trio.
"Fly faster, guys! The Admiral's behind us!" Ranpo exclaimed and the trio drove faster.