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“Hey, Paulchen?”
“Hm?”
Richard and Paul are laying naked in Paul's bed together, despite not having had sex. It's too hot to have sex – even with the air conditioner at full blast, the room is baking hot and both of them are sweating. Richard wonders if this is a new step in their relationship, to be so comfortable being casually nude around eachother.
“When....when did you start questioning your gender?”
Paul rolls over onto his stomach to look Richard in the eye, his cute butt sticking up in the air. Richard has to stop himself from reaching over to grab it. Not now, not when it's so damn hot. Not when they're about to have a serious conversation.
“Why do you ask?” Paul says, grinning.
“Uh....um....” Richard suddenly feels very self-conscious. “I dunno, just curious, I guess.”
Paul waggles his eyebrows, and Richard would slap him if he weren't so cute. It's like Paul can see right through him sometimes.
“You know, Flake asked me the same question once,” Paul says casually. “That was about a year before she came out and started dating Schneider's sister.”
Richard is sweating even more than he already was. Paul is insinuating a lot of things here, things that Richard isn't very comfortable talking about. Yet.
“Just answer my question, okay? Stop being a shit.” Richard knows he has no right to be as upset as he is.
Paul laughs. “Okay, okay. I'm just messing with you, Reesh.”
“So...when?”
“I actually don't really remember,” Paul says. “I just kinda....always knew there was something different about me. That I didn't feel like I was supposed to feel. At first, I thought I was just a lesbian.”
Richard snorts. Paul Landers, a lesbian? Paul Landers, who talks about men's butts and tits and dicks more than anyone he knows (except maybe Till), a lesbian?
“What? I really did!” Paul says, mock-offended. “I really did think I was a dyke! I thought I was a total butch!”
“But clearly you weren't,” Richard says. “Clearly you're more of a faggot than I am.”
“Says the one who's actually gay.” Paul pokes Richard in the stomach. “I do find certain women to be very attractive, and I've had sex with plenty of them.”
Richard frowns. Even though Paul is right, there's still the lingering resentment Richard has over being known as gay. It's something he definitely needs to work on.
“But obviously, I'm not a lesbian,” Paul continues. “And everyone could tell that I wasn't. So, what the hell was I, then? If I wasn't a butch dyke, why did I prefer being masculine? Why did I hate being seen as a girl? And then I met my first trans guy, Aljoscha.”
“And something just clicked?”
Paul nods. “Yeah. It was like I finally realized who I was for the first time. It was so fucking freeing, to look at him and think 'that's it. That's what I want to be.' So I became friends with him. And he introduced me to his friends, who were all trans. That's how I met Till.”
Richard smiles and nods. Till is sort of a “queer icon” in the local area, whether he wants to be seen as one or not. He's very openly and proudly queer, though what that means seems to change whenever you ask him. Richard's head him call himself “a dyke in a fag way,” “a butch drag queen,” “a genderfuck,” and “a masc-presenting something or other,” among other things. Richard met him at a gay bar several years ago, and they hit it off immediately. They'd even dated for a while, but Till isn't the type for committed relationships, so that ship had sunk and they'd stayed friends and occasional fuckbuddies until Paul and Richard's relationship started getting serious.
“And it just escalated from there, I'm guessing?”
“Uh-huh,” Paul says. “Aljoscha helped me work through a lot of my dysphoria shit, helped me figure out how to get on T, all that. Even when we had our big falling out when Feeling B broke up, he was still there to help me out. It was really nice. I...I miss him a lot.”
Richard sighs and nods. He can't imagine what it would be like to lose such a close friend, especially one that helped you realize who you actually were. Paul scoots closer to him and Richard gives him a quick peck on the cheek. Paul smiles at him, the faint crow's feet at the corners of his eyes wrinkling up. Richard will never, ever get over how damn cute his boyfriend is.
“So yeah, that's about it,” Paul says. “And then after a few years, Flake finally came out. I mean, we all already knew, but it's not nice to crack someone's egg before they're ready. You have to let them hatch on their own.”
He looks pointedly at Richard as he says this. Again, it's like Paul can see right through him.
“And she started dating Schneider's sister,” Richard says, trying to break the awkward silence between them.
“Yup! Which is so fucking funny, honestly, cuz we were all fucking drooling over her for years and years.”
Richard nods, blushing a little. He still remembers trying to give Frau (everyone calls her Frau, even though she's the same age as Schneider) his number one time, back when he was still claiming to be bi. She had taken it and dropped in the wastebasket without a second glance. In retrospect, they all should've known she was a lesbian long before her and Flake started dating.
“I mean, not that I'm not happy for them,” Paul continues. “Flake is basically a sister to me. We've been friends since we were kids, grew up on the same street and everything. We used to joke about getting married if we weren't with anyone by the time we were 40. But then I met you, and she ended up with Frau, and the rest is history.”
Paul puts a hand on Richard's chest fondly. Richard puts his hand on top of Paul's and squeezes it, making Paul laugh. God, he loves Paul's laugh. He loves everything about Paul.
“You know, when I met you, I thought you were a total dick,” Richard says. “No offense.”
Paul laughs again. “None taken! I thought you were a complete asshole, too! I had no idea what Till saw in you.”
Richard still doesn't really know what made Till want to be with him. He's not sure if he even knows why Paul wants to be with him. Paul, again, sees right through him, and leans over, nuzzling his face against Richard's.
“I guess I was jealous of you,” Paul says softly. “I mean, here was this super handsome cis guy, who was an amazing guitar player, who had Till wrapped around his finger, who could get anyone he wanted, and I was still just little old me. Stupid goofy little Paul Landers, who couldn't get a date to save his life. Who woke up every morning and looked in the mirror and saw a scared little girl where a man should be. Who fucked up every relationship he ever had. Who was surrounded by amazing people, but still felt so goddamn alone.”
Richard is stunned. He never knew that Paul felt that way. That he, of all people, had been jealous of him. Of him! Of Richard Zven Kruspe, who felt like a mistake in every possible way.
“See?” Paul says, his voice barely above a whisper. “We're not so different, you and I. You just wear your emotions on your sleeve, and I don't. But you don't have to be afraid to be yourself around me, Reesh. I would love you in any form you take.”
“Put it in a song, you sap,” Richard says, but he's smiling, genuinely touched by Paul's words, his devotion to him. Their lips meet, softly at first, then more passionately. It's a bit uncomfortable due to the heat, but Richard is beginning to care less and less about that. All he wants is Paul.
They do end up fucking after all; Richard sucking Paul off with two fingers curled inside him, Paul's hands in his hair, messing up his gelled spikes. Paul returns the favor by riding him, sweat rolling down his face and chest, Richard's fingers digging into his hips. Paul is so incredibly hot, so effortlessly sexy. Richard tells him all this and more – how wet he feels around his cock, how wonderful his little moans and grunts sound, how good it feels when Paul clenches down around him. Paul is absolutely perfect in Richard's eyes, and he loves him, body and soul.
“I love you,” he tells Paul later, as they're showering off the sweat and other bodily fluids. “I've never felt this way about anyone else.”
“Bet you say that to all the boys,” Paul teases, but he wraps his arms around Richard and kisses him long and slow. “I love you, too, Reesh.”
Richard can almost believe it's true.
“Schneider, I need your help.”
Schneider turns to give Richard a weird look, and Richard almost immediately regrets saying anything. But though they may look serious and intimidating, Christoph Schneider is actually quite kind.
“What kind of help?” they ask.
Richard hesitates. Why is it so hard to ask this question? It's like he thinks he's going to be mocked for it. But his friends would never, he knows that. Why is he so goddamn insecure?
“When did you start questioning your gender?” Richard finally blurts out. “Like, when did you realize that you weren't cis?”
Schneider laughs softly, and Richard wants to dissolve into the floor. Schneider must immediately pick up on it, cuz they get up from their seat and put a gentle hand hand on Richard's shoulder.
“Richard, honey, I'm sorry,” they say. “I shouldn't have laughed. I just never thought that you'd ever work up the nerve to ask me a question like that.”
Richard looks up at them, confused. Can....can Schneider already tell? Do they have some sort of sixth sense for this sort of thing? Do all trans people? Or is it just that they've known him for so long now?
“Come, let's get some coffee, and we can chat,” Schneider says. “I feel like this is going to be quite an elaborate discussion.”
A few minutes later, the two of them are sitting across from eachother at Schneider's table, each with a mug of coffee in their hand. Richard knows Schneider is more of a tea drinker, so they must be drinking it as a show of solidarity. Something in Richard's chest feels warm.
“So,” Schneider says, putting their mug down on the table. “You want to know what led up to me realizing I was nonbinary, correct?”
Richard nods.
“Is this just out of curiosity? Or are you, as I suspect, starting to question your own gender identity?”
Richard nearly chokes on a steaming mouthful of coffee. Holy shit, Schneider is perceptive. How long have they waited for him to finally open up about this? Had they always known this would eventually happen?
“I'm...I'm not sure,” Richard says eventually. “I just...I need to know. Because, maybe, if I feel similarly, it might....shed some light on things.”
Schneider nods, a soft smile on their lips. “It's alright, Richard. You don't need to tell me everything. I understand how challenging it can be to try to figure out one's self.”
“Thank you,” Richard says quietly.
Schneider takes another sip of their coffee, and leans back a little in their chair.
“So, when did I start questioning my gender? Hmm....well, I think I was probably around four or five years old.”
“That early?” Richard says, a little shocked.
Schneider nods. “Yes, that early. That was around the time that I started to realize Helena and I were different somehow. That we had different parts, to put it mildly. Before then, I just assumed that everyone looked the same as I did down there. But clearly that wasn't the case. I was absolutely devastated.”
“Because you wanted a vagina?”
Schneider laughs. “No, no! I just didn't like that we were different! I thought we should be exactly the same because we were twins!”
Richard cringes, mortified. Schneider again reaches to put a hand on his shoulder.
“Hey, it's okay. No such thing as a stupid question, right?”
Richard nods.
“Good. But yes, I thought we should be the same down there because we were twins. I even complained to my mother about it. Imagine how embarrassed she was when her four year old son asked why his sister didn't have a penis!”
Both Richard and Schneider laugh now. Richard can just imagine a tiny version of his friend blurting that out during some unrelated activity.
“Did she punish you for asking?” Richard asks. “Till once told me his mother sent him to bed without dinner for asking a similar question.”
Schneider shakes their head. “No, no, I wasn't punished. But I knew better than to ask a question like that ever again. And I learned soon enough what the difference between male and female was. But it didn't shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong with me.”
“When did the crossdressing start?” Richard asks, emboldened.
“When I was about ten or eleven,” Schneider says, not a trace of shame in their voice. “I would steal Helena's clothes and try them on. Especially her stockings and bras. Her jewelry, too, along with my mother's when I could sneak into her room and take it. I would put on little fashion shows in my room in the middle of the night.”
“Was it like....a sexual thing?” Richard knows he probably shouldn't ask that sort of question, but he's just so curious.
“Hmm....no, I don't think so. Not that early on at least. It was more like playing pretend. I mean, when my mother eventually caught me, she definitely assumed it was sexual. Accused me of all sorts of awful things.” Schneider shudders a little.
“So you stopped.”
“Well, she ended up sending me to an all boys boarding school, so yes, I stopped. And then, after that, I was in the military, so there was no chance I could ever indulge in that part of myself.”
Richard nods.
“It wasn't until I left the military that I started doing it again,” Schneider continues. “And it was definitely a fetish thing by that point. I had two or three girlfriends who would dress me up in drag as their submissive, actually. I loved it.”
Richard blushes for real now. He's always secretly fantasized about doing that, but never had the guts to approach it with anyone. Even when Till had done it himself, leading to some very fond memories for the both of them, Richard could never work up the courage to put on a bra and panties. Perhaps that was a wasted opportunity.
“So...so...um....” he says, trying to reel himself in from the lurid visuals in his mind. “So, um, when did it stop being a fetish and become, like, a...a...”
“Not until after I met Paul and Aljoscha,” Schneider says, clearly realizing what Richard is attempting to say. “I didn't even know trans people existed until I met them. Or if I did, I believed all the nasty rumors and things about them. That they were dangerous perverts and all that. I was such a hypocrite.”
“Don't worry, I felt the same way until I met some actual trans people, too,” Richard says. “There's a lot of misinformation out there, a lot of nasty lies about queer people and who we are and what we do.”
Schneider nods. “I suppose that's normal. We're raised to think a certain way, after all. Ideally, though, the world would be more accepting and I wouldn't have spent years feeling like a freak.”
Richard suddenly wants to get up and give Schneider a hug. He resists, though, because it doesn't feel like Schneider would appreciate it. They're not exactly the affectionate type.
“But yes,” Schneider eventually continues. “Once I met Paul and Aljoscha, I started to realize that I wasn't as freakish as I thought I was. And meeting Till opened up even more possibilities for me. I had no idea that there were options besides male and female. It was so -”
“Freeing,” Richard says without thinking. “I mean, at least that was what Paul said it was like.”
Schneider genuinely smiles. “Exactly. It was so freeing, to realize I didn't have to choose. I didn't have to be a man or a woman. I could just be me.”
The two of them sit there for a while in comfortable silence, Richard finishing his coffee.
“So, yes, that's how I realized I was nonbinary. Does that answer your question?”
“It does, thank you,” Richard says. “But is it okay if I ask you another one?”
“Of course. I'm an open book.”
“Can....” Richard takes a deep, steadying breath. “Can...can you....can you show me what it's like? To be a woman sometimes?”
“Oh, Richard, honey,” Schneider says. “I'd love to.”
Richard stands in Schneider's bedroom, his whole body quivering. If it's with nervousness or anticipation, he doesn't know. All he knows is that he's about to see himself in a dress for the very first time.
“Keep your eyes closed, sweetheart,” Schneider says. “I'll tell you when you can open them.”
It's been about a week since Richard and Schneider had their conversation. Ever since then, Richard has been coming over almost every day to play dress up with them. It's been....enlightening to say the least. Richard had no idea that he could look so pretty until now. It's making him more and more sure that whatever he's been feeling is not just a passing phase or some sort of delusion. It's real, as real as he is.
“Okay, Richard,” Schneider says, “open your eyes.”
Richard opens his eyes, and nearly falls over.
He's wearing an absolutely gorgeous red taffeta gown, all ruffles and frills. It's constructed in a way that emphasizes his broad chest, cupping his pecs like a push up bra. It cuts in at the waist, then flows out into a full, round skirt, supported by layers of petticoats. And that's just the dress – he's also wearing a black wig with soft waves that reaches his shoulders, and dramatic makeup on his eyes and lips. Topping it all off is the jewelry, silver with red stones.
“I thought you'd like it,” Schneider says softly. “Red is definitely your color.”
“Th...Thank....thank you,” Richard manages to say before bursting into tears. Schneider is immediately beside him, rubbing his back as he cries.
“Oh, I know, honey,” they say. “I know it's a lot. Let it out.”
What feels like years of self-doubt and anxiety flow out of Richard as he sinks to the floor. Schneider goes down with him, whispering soothing nonsense. Richard feels hysterical, but he can't help it. He had no idea that he could ever look so beautiful. When he opened his eyes, it was like seeing a part of himself that he always knew existed, but never was brave enough to show. It's so, so wonderful and so, so overwhelming.
“What you're experiencing is called gender euphoria,” Schneider says softly. “It's a feeling you get when you're seen as your true self.”
Richard wipes his face on his arm and looks over at Schneider. There's nothing but love and support on their face.
“I...I...I think this is only part of me,” Richard says slowly. “Like the 'being a girl' thing, I mean. Because I....I like being a man, too. But also I like being a woman sometimes. Does that....does that make any sense at all?”
Schneider smiles, their eyes bright with excitement. “Yes, yes, I understand. That's called being 'genderfluid,' Richard. Where sometimes you're one gender, and sometimes, you're another.”
“Okay....”
Richard looks at himself in the mirror again. Unfortunately, his makeup is all smeared from the crying, but he still thinks he looks breathtaking. He looks back at Schneider.
“Can...can I borrow this? The dress, and the wig?” he asks.
“Oh, honey, if you like them that much, you can keep them.”
Richard bursts into tears all over again.
“Richard, baby, come on! Dinner's getting cold!”
“Just a minute, Paulchen!” Richard says, topping off his makeup with a bit of blush. He's wearing the red dress and the wig, along with long red gloves that Schneider had found in the back of their closet. Richard is a ball of anxiety and anticipation. He really, really hopes that Paul will think he's pretty.
“Please hurry! I'm starving!”
“Almost done!”
Richard gives himself one last once-over in the mirror. Schneider was right – red really is his color. Readjusting the wig on his head, Richard takes a deep breath and steps out of the bathroom.
“Babe, are you - “
Paul looks completely stunned, his eyes wide and his mouth hanging open like a cartoon stereotype. His gaze flicks up, down, up, then down again.
“So, um, Paul, I wanted to tell you something,” Richard says nervously. “I....I....I....”
“You're beautiful,” Paul says, voice barely a whisper. “Richard, I.....holy shit, babe.”
“I think I'm genderfluid,” Richard finally says, and it all comes out. “No, I know I am. You don't have to call me by any new name, but when I'm presenting like this, I would like it if you used “she” and “her” and called me your girlfriend. I know it's really sudden, and it might take a while to get used to, but this is who I am and I've never been happier in my entire life.”
Richard can feel tears coming to her eyes, and she blinks them away. She really, really does not want to cry right now.
“Oh, Richard, baby, of course,” Paul says. “Of course, baby. Of course you're my girlfriend. You're my gorgeous, beautiful, amazing girlfriend and I love you so fucking much, baby. I'm so happy for you.”
Richard may really start to cry now, but Paul is already wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close.
“Oh, Richard, this is such a wonderful surprise. I'm so glad you feel comfortable enough to share this with me. I love you so much.”
“Thank you, I love you, too,” Richard says softly.
Paul cups her face in his hands and kisses her, again and again. Richard feels like she could fly.
Eventually, Paul pulls away, and his are dark with desire.
“You can forget about dinner, babe, because I'm about to eat you alive,” he says.
Under normal circumstances, Richard would laugh at Paul for such a stupid line. Now, though, it makes her shiver with delight.
“My sweet, sweet girl, I am going to devour you,” Paul continues. “I am going to feast on you until there is nothing left. I'm not going to stop until I am fully satisfied. Is that alright with you?”
“Paul....” Richard says, blushing.
“Yes, love of my life?”
“Please...”
Paul grins, and practically drags Richard into the bedroom. Richard falls back onto the bed, Paul on top of her as they kiss eachother hungrily. Something about Richard in a dress clearly has him riled up. Or is it that Richard is currently a girl? Oh, well, it doesn't really matter.
“Be... careful not to ruin it,” Richard says as Paul gropes at her chest. “Be gentle, please.”
“With you, or with the dress?” Paul asks. “Because you know I'm not gonna be gentle with you, baby.”
Again, another line that Richard would normally groan at has suddenly become impossibly erotic. She reaches back to undo the lacing at the back of the dress, but the position is incredibly awkward. She huffs in annoyance.
“Let me, babe,” Pauls says. “Roll onto your stomach, and I'll help you.”
Richard nods, doing as she's told. Paul carefully undoes the laces and slips the dress off of her. Richard is glad he's being so careful with it, even in his frenzied state. Paul gasps again as the lingerie Richard has on under the dress is revealed.
“Oh, so you're full of lovely surprises today, huh?” he says coyly. “Look at you – so beautiful. And all mine.”
“Yes, all yours, Paul,” Richard says, rolling back over onto her back to look up at him. “I'm all yours.”
Paul grins with genuine happiness before kissing her again. Their tongues brush as the kiss gets deeper and more passionate, and Richard moans softly. She can already feel herself getting hard in her panties.
Paul breaks the kiss and moves to kiss her jaw, then her ear, then the space behind it that makes Richard melt every time. He sucks at the skin, leaving what Richard knows will be a livid hickey. His hands are greedily groping her chest, playing with her nipples through the thin fabric of her bra. She moans again, louder this time.
“How do you want me, babe?” Paul asks, pulling his mouth away from her neck for just a moment.
“Fuck me, please,” Richard says breathlessly.
“Of course, my sweet, darling girl.” Paul sinks his teeth into the side of her neck. “But not until I'm done playing with you.”
Richard nearly screams.
“Open your mouth, baby.”
Richard is down on her knees now, between Paul's spread thighs as he sits on the bed. The wig is off, and Paul is running his fingers through her real hair, smiling as she nuzzles against his pelvis.
Richard opens her mouth and Paul guides her to his cock, stiff and pink and wet. His fingers tighten in her hair as she laps at him, little grunting sighs falling from his lips. Richard knows exactly what he likes, exactly how to please him. She loves his body – his broad shoulders and his muscular arms, the little bit of baby fat that clings to his belly, his slim hips and thick thighs. Loves the surgery scars on his chest, loves to kiss them even though Paul keeps telling her that he can't feel it when she does. Loves his cock, loves his wet cunt, the way it squeezes tight around her fingers or her cock. Loves his cute little ass. She hopes he loves her body in all those ways, too.
“Fingers, please Richard,” Paul whines, all his dominance and bravado leaving him like it always does when her mouth's on him.
Richard pushes two fingers into him, and Paul moans loudly, his eyes crossing slightly. She crooks them just right, up against his g-spot. Paul curses loudly, his cunt flexing around her.
“Don't....stop...” he pants as she continues to suck him off, her fingers pressing and releasing. Paul cums with a wail, releasing all over her mouth and down her chin. She loves it when she can make him squirt.
“Fuck, baby, so good,” Paul moans, and drags her up to kiss her, licking into her mouth to taste himself.
His hand falls to touch her through her panties, wrapping his fingers around her hard cock. She groans, bucking into him.
“Please, Paul, fuck me,” Richard says. “I'm so hard, baby.”
“I know, I know,” Paul coos, his dominant streak back in play after his orgasm. “Let me get my dick and I'll fuck you.”
“Easy, sweet girl,” Paul says as she bucks against the three fingers he has in her. “Gotta make sure you're ready.”
“I am!” Richard whines. She loves and hates how thorough he's being.
“Okay, baby.”
Paul pulls his fingers out and lines up his strap-on with Richard's hole. It's Richard's personal favorite – not too long, but thick and girthy. She loves how full she feels when he fucks her.
“Ready?” he asks again.
“Yes!” Richard all but shouts. “Please, Paul, fuck me!”
“Of course, princess.”
Richard gasps as Paul pushes into her, feeling that lovely, agonizing stretch as her body adjusts. He's laying flat on top of her, his face in her neck as she lays on her stomach. They lay still together for a long moment, and Richard is struck again with how much she truly loves him.
“I'm good now, Paul,” she says. “You can fuck me now.”
Paul grins against her neck, and pushes himself up on his hands before starting to move. Richard moans, low and loud.
“Such a good girl,” Paul whispers, and Richard could die like this and not even care.
Paul fucks her then, slowly at first, then picking up speed and intensity, until his hips are slapping against her ass. Richard clutches at the bedsheets, meeting his thrusts and arching her back. Her eyes roll back in her head as Paul reaches down and grabs her achingly hard cock and starts stroking it in time with his thrusts.
“Gonna cum for me, baby?” he growls, voice wrecked and low.
“Oh god, yes, Paul!” she shouts.
“Then do it. Be a good girl and cum for me.”
Richard screams as she cums, cock pulsing in Paul's grip, her vision whiting out.
“Hey, hey, Reesh, baby. Reesh.”
Richard opens her eyes. She's on her back now, Paul staring down at her with loving concern.
“You with me, baby?”
Richard nods. She feels completely and utterly spent.
Paul grins and kisses her.
“I'm so happy,” she murmurs. “I love you so much, Paulchen.”
“I love you, too, Reesh,” Paul says. “I'm so happy you trusted me enough to tell me about yourself. I love every single part of you, every form you take.”
Richard doesn't even try to stop the tears this time.