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Being in the FBI for years must have taught him something; as in not trusting prisoners, convicts who are inside for a violent crime. Being in the hostage negotiation department for so long maybe he should have learned something from what he was teaching.
But Holden simply seemed to forget that. Even when he is aware of how much he is risking by interviewing Kemper he doesn't do anything to change things. He doesn't feel particularly terrified by Ed's presence, even as a policeman told him earlier, he finds him a pleasant nuisance.
However, that doesn't make him trust him. There's something about the way Ed looks at him that makes him feel cornered, like a guinea pig being studied.
Now, being alone, that gaze becomes much more intense, it pierces his body, it gets into his bones, he thinks he's been there too long and feels claustrophobic, he's experienced panic attacks before. He knows he will have one. He gets up from the chair and it makes a thud, Kemper looks at him.
"Are you leaving already?" he asks calmly, showing no expression on his face.
Cold sweat falls down his forehead, the atmosphere suffocates him and for a second he no longer hears, his ears ringing but he must remain calm, he can't have a panic attack there, not in front of one of the most important killer for his investigation.
"You look tense, is there a problem?"
Holden swallows saliva, denies, immobile in place, he knows he must move, that he must call a guard before the situation escalates further however his body refuses to react.
"You're scared" Kemper sentences, adjusting his glasses that fall down the arch of his nose, he doesn't look surprised at all ". Come on Holden, I've seen that expression hundreds of times I know when someone is scared to see me, you look just like them."
The comparison makes Holden gasp for air, like someone who is drowning and seeks a breath of air after minutes of holding his breath. He's fucked up, he's showing himself to be vulnerable.
Kemper notices. He rises from his place. Holden curses for asking the guard to remove the handcuffs. Walking towards him slowly, as a hunter would his prey, Holden wonders if that image was the last one those girls saw.
His body shudders when he feels someone else's hand on his throat, but there is no pressure, just a caress on his bare skin.
"If at this moment I had one of my urges, don't you think you'd have a bad time? I could rip your head off and put it on the table."
He wouldn't, Holden is almost certain Ed wouldn't, but it only remains an almost. He can't forget that in front of him is a man guilty of killing 8 people and that among them was his mother, he also doesn't forget that he just compared him to them.
If Ed wanted to kill him it would be so easy; he not only beats him in height, but also in strength.
Holden is unprotected like a small child, just like an animal in the forest in front of its hunter. His mind is spinning at the thought, he thinks that if he dies at Kemper's hands he will die of cardiac arrest.
The ideas spin round and round inside his head. He wants to throw up.
"You know I'm just kidding, right?"
Pathetic, he must look so pathetic in those moments, he doesn't need to look in a mirror to know that. His eyes water and his pulse is rapid, he must have been shaking for several minutes now.
"Holden" Ed calls. still dangerously close and makes him sob.
"Y-yes. A joke."
It's the only thing he can articulate for that moment. His body is still unresponsive, he has remained static in the chair, like a statue of himself. From his place he can see how Kemper acts as if nothing has happened, finishing pouring himself a coffee, leaving one next to him.
Holden tries to control his breathing, clipping Wendy's advice and like Ed, perhaps it's best to pretend nothing has happened.