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There were so many people, from millions of different walks of life. The temple was beautiful, and vast, ever-changing, evolving . There was something comforting in the fact that God had such a reach across so many worlds, that even if He had different names or different faces, many seemed to recognize His word.
Tatsumi had not been as active with such a community back home, still afraid in some measure of how open he could be on his faith and the dangers that came from incorporating it too much into his lifestyle publicly.
"Welcome. And good afternoon," he greeted warmly as he heard someone enter the confessional. There were several beats of silence, and that wasn't entirely uncommon, but something felt a little different. Like a darkness was seeping through the vent that was already choking him. It felt so familiar he was almost certain he knew the sensation, but it would be uncomfortable for such a nervous penitent to be spoken to the way he wished to speak. More time passed, but Tatsumi closed his eyes and breathed the miasma as though it was as pleasant as the perfume of spring outside.
Most of what Mayoi knew about modern-day religion had come directly from Tatsumi.
He had never once stepped foot inside a church. The thought alone made him nervous -- a creature like him, in such a holy place? He would certainly burst into flames. Or even worse, take the entire place down with him somehow. Or even worse , he'd be shunned out of a place like this for being as despicable as he was. Though Tatsumi had told him time and time again that 'God loved all of his children' and that there was no way that the lord would shun him, regardless of what he'd done, he'd always had a hard time believing it. No power of any kind would ever forgive him for the crimes he'd committed.
And he'd come here today to prove it.
Mayoi was lucky that he was wearing his gloves, otherwise the sweat of his palms would have left marks on his thighs with the way he was rubbing at them so anxiously. He had never been inside a confessional before. He had no idea where to even start , or what to say. Or if he should say anything at all.
The voice behind the screen was familiar, and that only made him more nervous. He was, in all honesty, considering fleeing back to the safety of the walls in hopes that his guilt may eat him alive before the police found him.
"G.. Good afternoon..." He stammered after a minute, swallowing hard. Through the anxious swarm of thoughts in his mind, Mayoi searched for the right words to say, certain that Tatsumi had discussed them with the rest of ALKALOID at some point in the past. "Um. ... Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The soft voice, contrasting so much with the terrible feeling of anxiety his presence usually evoked, made Tatsumi ease just that much more.
"You've made a wonderful decision to come today," Tatsumi smiled, now able to make out the vague features of his most cherished friend from behind the veil. How long had it been since they spoke? Since they'd seen each other? "It takes courage to seek forgiveness, to make such a leap is difficult for anyone. I'm proud of you for making this step."
Even if he knew Mayoi wasn't exactly religious, that he likely felt he could burst into flames at any time. That wasn't exactly the point, however. If Mayoi truly wished to seek forgiveness from God, from his or anyone's, or even if he didn't and just wanted to take comfort in a greater power listening at all, Tatsumi was glad to be the mouthpiece that would provide the words he needed to hear.
"What is heavy on your heart, my friend?"
How Mayoi wished that Tatsumi's voice could bring him the same comfort that he was so accustomed to it bringing. Instead, his warm tone only made the anxieties within him stir more. Would it have been easier to talk about this to someone he didn't know, he wondered? With someone who hadn't even the faintest idea of the gravity of the words that he was about to say, as opposed to someone who could make the logical connections of his words from point A to point B? Would it be better for him to simply decide not to do this instead?
He wrung his hands in his lap, holding back any telltale noises of anguish as he stared as his feet planted firmly on the ground.
A wonderful decision.
One that takes courage.
He swallowed past the lump in his throat before speaking.
"... Three months ago, I murdered the boyfriend of one of my closest friends."
Tatsumi's hands balled into fists. He knew this, of course, in his heart. The police had come to him asking questions that made it clear they assumed it was Mayoi. He hoped, he prayed, that he was wrong - but of course, this world had poisoned him into thinking he could do the unthinkable without consequence. So many had leapt into sin when given the opportunity. So many had come to him with confessions such as this.
It felt horribly real, and personal, and the darkness surrounding him quickly became stale and bitter as opposed to comforting. Tatsumi shifted uncomfortably in his seat, closing his eyes as a pang of pain shot through him.
"And... do you feel sorrow for this? What are you seeking by coming today?" He needed to know before he could absolve him of anything, before he could reject or accept any sort of confession. "Do you truly wish to be forgiven, or are you looking for me to tell you that everything will be alright despite doing something so terrible."
Another minute passed as Mayoi stared at the floor.
He did wish to be forgiven, but he was not so simple as to think that he ever could be. Not for something as heinous and horrible as murder. There was a laundry list of things that he had done in his life that he may have had the chance of being forgiven for, but not this. But he was not necessarily looking for comfort, either. Being pat on the back and told, falsely, that things were going to be alright for him would solve nothing. Of course they weren't going to be alright for him. The only way that he had avoided a Bubble-long jail sentence thus far was by leading people to believe that he had been pulled from this world's confines altogether.
It was a confessional.
He was looking to confess.
That was where it began, and where it ended.
"... I wish to be forgiven, but I know that I will not be... not by you, Father, nor any higher power." Mayoi spoke softly, picking his words carefully. "I... have long since accepted that things won't be alright for me. ... I came here to explain myself to at least one person, before I won't be able to anymore."
"...God will forgive anyone who truly seeks forgiveness. So long as your heart is true, there is no sin to great or too small that He would not wash away." Tatsumi sighed, not opening his eyes. "If you are wishing for guidance, the obvious penitence would be restitution."
He finally let his hands relax, and turned to look at him again. "Though... the funeral has already passed, and Hiiro-san is already finding his feet again. If you truly wish to be forgiven, if you wish to be absolved of your sin, you would need to find a way to pay both respect to the ones you've hurt and to make things right again."
It would be difficult to do. The boy was no longer there, obviously, and hadn't returned as far as anyone had seen. It wasn't as though Mayoi could go to Kanata-san himself and apologize. There were no medical or counseling bills to be paid, no property that was damaged that Mayoi could repair. Perhaps he could take up planting flowers in his honor, or try to help victims of terrible crimes? Though, he wasn't sure offering up such ideas would make it come from Mayoi's heart. He wasn't sure if Mayoi's soul was in a state that it could be healed.
"I'm not sure if you understand how this works, but I am under an oath that protects your secret." He paused. "However, if we meet as friends, I ask you never bring up what we've spoken of here. And my beliefs guide me to try and protect those around me, even if I myself may have failed in the past. But God forgives us all. Usually I would ask you to read from the pamphlet you see in front of you, but if you must offer words of sorrow before you leave, I think they should be your own."
He truly wished to believe that Mayoi could still be a good person, even if he was able to do something so shocking.
You wouldn't need to worry about me bringing this up to you as a friend, Mayoi wanted to stay, though he kept his tongue uncomfortably clamped between the points of his too-sharp teeth. Because there's a good chance I'll never see you again, anyway.
He toyed with the leather of his glove again, continuing to think. In all honesty, as far as he was aware, Kanata did not deserve his respect. Not when he was alive, and not now. Despite the handful of issues that clearly plagued him, he didn't have any excuse for abusing Hiiro as he did. The stories that their second-youngest member had rattled off as if they were nothing had made Mayoi recoil more than once in shock. The bruises that bloomed on his neck that he was too socially unaware to hide spoke louder than any words to explain them ever would have. The uncomfortable shift in gaze the singular time that Mayoi had asked, sincerely, whether or not Hiiro was okay with how he was being treated still made his stomach ache to this day.
Ayase Mayoi was an abhorrent, unforgivable creature.
But Nijou Kanata was worse.
Even in his death, he had earned no respect.
The only way that Mayoi could think of to possibly right his wrongs would be to help victims of those like Kanata -- domestic abuse victims, as Hiiro had once been. But would that be enough? Likely not. He could apologize to Hiiro, but he was unsure if dredging up the past would be wise. He could apologize to those who had known Kanata, but given the general public's reaction to his death, it didn't seem as though many truly missed him. There was no true way to hope of being absolved of his sin through means that were not entirely superficial, it seemed. Not when he hadn't any remorse for the actions he'd committed.
He rubbed his palms against his legs again.
"I understand," He confirmed, falling silent again.
"... I am... truly and deeply sorry for my actions. I know the extent of my crimes. I know it will not be easy to be forgiven of them."
Was it a sin to lie to the Lord?
What did it matter, if he was going to Hell anyway?
"I'm sorry for what I've done. ... I'm sorry for hurting Hiiro-san. I'm sorry for... hurting you. I'm sorry for... offending the Lord, for sinning so horribly. I will do what I can to even hope to be resolved for my sins. Th.. Thank you. For your help."
Of course he didn't feel bad. Tatsumi hadn't interacted much with Kanata, in truth, as he rarely left for the city. He had noticed Hiiro coming by less and less, however, and things he told him afterward as Tatsumi tried to help heal him of his pain were shocking. It never warranted violence, it never warranted such a brutal death. But Mayoi would never be forgiven for an act of passion that he still believed was just.
He would never be absolved of that sin, and Tatsumi would not lie. Usually the next words would be along the lines of God forgives all of your sins , but He wouldn't. There was no way that his precious friend, at least the version that was trembling beyond the veil, would ever walk with him in the light. There was only flame and punishment.
"May God give you peace."
And if everyone else in this world was given the gift to be selfish, if they could do things one would never do outside of their world, maybe Tatsumi could swallow some of his guilt. It was sacrilegious and terrible for him to be anything other than an instrument of Christ in this place, but it was ultimately a temple and not a church. He was in a place of worship, but not one that completely represented what he believed.
Maybe he would be allowed one single sin of his own.
The Lord was testing him in this world, surely, but if what everyone said was true, and it was a dream, maybe...
"And Mayoi-san... please. Come home."