Chapter Text
Chapter I
"Ever get the feeling that kids here are, like, idiots?" Ellie said. "If they saw a clicker, they wouldn't run away, they would just shit their pants." They were sitting at the table and she was staring at him with a crazy, lopsided ponytail of unbrushed hair. Maria had suggested she join the high school students at the rink before lunch. She had even found a pair of skates that fit, and Tommy had sharpened. But Ellie wanted to stay home. When she was at the FEDRA school, home had been an abstract idea--kind of like parents, or Christmas. Here, home was a real thing. It meant food and drinks and movies and music and an adjustable thermostat. Home meant Joel. "I can't skate and I don't want to learn in front of a bunch of stupid children."
Joel sighed as he scanned her enormous brown eyes. She could make a fortune as a beggar, he thought. "I reckon, you don't have to go yet," he said. "You still have readin' to do?"
Ellie's shoulders relaxed. "I have enough reading to last a fucking year, man," she said, her voice light again. She picked up her spoon and started to eat her oatmeal. Joel felt relieved. Meals had been an issue since Silver Lake. She would sometimes play with her food for a bit, eyes unfocused, reliving something in her head. Then she would push it away. Her tiny figure became tinier before she started to eat again. He found he missed the days when she would wolf down her food in huge gulps, crumbs spraying everywhere as she talked non-stop.
"You supposed to pick your classes this week, or somethin'?" he asked, forehead knotted.
"Oh, yaaa," she said, scraping the bowl a little as she dug out her last bite. She got up and dropped her dish in the sink with a crash that made Joel wince. She then ran up the stairs, hitting each one impossibly loud. She thundered around in her room for a while before BANG, BANG, BANG-ing her way down the stairs again. It wasn't that he liked this version of Ellie better than the other, it's just that he knew how to handle her chaos. The silent, sad Ellie made him feel like he was failing her. He was up pouring another coffee when she slapped down a handful of papers and pressed a pen into his right hand.
"You need to sign it, and I dunno, fill out some shit," and then she was gone. She pounded up the steps again, and he heard the shower come on. Within seconds, he could hear her belting out "Tiny Dancer." He didn't even know she knew that song. He sat down with his coffee and read:
Jackson High School Academic Plan December 1, 2023
Dear Student,
The ninth grade is an exciting time for students at Jackson High.
'No shit,' thought Joel, rolling his eyes. The end times tend to make everything more lively.
For the first time in your academic career, you get to make choices about what you want to study, and how you want to learn.
Joel chose woodworking. Sarah chose music. She even got to take her flute home from school, at least for a week or so.
For example, many students thrive with practical teaching through our apprenticeship program.
Ya, coop is smart in the apocalypse, he conceded. Especially in a g.d. commune. If there was an afterlife, Tess was definitely laughing at him. Peace and love Joel was a different beast than the one she knew in Boston.
Others find success through reading and independent study.
Nerds, introverts, introverted nerds, thought Joel.
Still others prefer a mixed approach with an emphasis on the standard classroom structure.
He scoffed. What sane child would want a traditional classroom education? He felt guilty when he realized that Sarah probably would have. Sarah loved school. She was excited to see all of her friends, she played soccer and softball, and liked to learn. Her teachers genuinely adored her. He used to wonder how her personality might have changed if she had lived. However, as the years wore on, he was, in a way, grateful that she never had to adapt to the violence of this world; The little girl who begged him to be gentle with the spider in the kitchen sink.
Please complete the following plan with a parent or guardian. We are here to help make your highschool experience positive and fulfilling. Welcome to the ninth grade, students.
Yours truly,
Christopher Moseby, Principal
Joel read through the attached pages. Ellie had to choose three classes, in addition to the prescribed core. He smiled when he saw that she had picked both construction basics and guitar--Tommy's two classes. He wasn't smiling when he saw that her final class was Civic Governance, which was taught by Maria. Joel sighed. Ellie hadn't chosen hunting, or animal husbandry--two subjects she wouldn't shut up about. Both classes were offered by men they didn't know. The final page was information about Ellie. It was all pretty standard, but there were a few noticeable gaps.
Student name: Ellie
Date of Birth: July 25, 2009
Parent/Guardian name:
Relationship to child:
Emergency contact, if parent is unavailable:
Emergency contact, if parent is unavailable:
Joel felt panic. He lurched up out of his chair, then slowly slid back down again. You're not my daughter. And I sure as hell ain't your dad. He had spent nights laying awake, from dusk until dawn, wishing he could take back those stupid, fucking words. He loved her so thoroughly, and absolutely, she couldn't doubt it. But those titles, dad and daughter, were tainted now. He had spit them at her like acid, he didn't know how to fix it. It felt like a gaping wound that they both shared. He picked up the pen and started filling in the blanks.
Elllie Williams-Miller
Joel Miller (Dad)
Tommy Miller (Uncle)
Maria Miller (Aunt)
After her shower, Ellie came thundering down the stairs. She liked to walk to Joel’s work site so that she knew where he’d be. Most times she would stay near him and hang out, sketching, or reading. Today he was helping restore 21 Elmwood with Tommy. He was already sitting on the bench in the porch, pulling on his steel-toed work boots.
"I filled out your enrollment form," he said, making no motion to hand it to her.
"Oh. Okay," she said. That was her tell. For all her toughness, she had a couple of tells, and that was one of them. "Oh. Okay," said a little too casually meant, 'this is really important to me, and I feel scared that it is going to hurt me'.
"Here, see if I got everything right," he said, handing her the papers. "But before you do, I need to tell you something," he said. She looked at him the same way she had in the stable when she asked if he was there to say goodbye. Please claim me. Please let me belong to you the way that you belong to me. The look made his heart squeeze painfully. He bent over and finished tying his boots. She sat down next to him, and reached for her sneakers. Joel groaned as he pulled his frame upright, and rested his elbows on his knees, staring at her feet as she fumbled with her laces.
"Ya know, it'd be easier to put those on again if you unlaced them before you took them off ," he said.
Ellie stopped and turned to glare at him, "Ya, but it would be a lot harder for me to take them off, then. Why the fuck does it matter when I unlace them? Like, what is the actual difference if I untie them now, or untie them when I take them off. Why do you care so much about my shoe laces, Joel. It's weird." She went back to fumbling with the knots.
Joel sighed and rolled his eyes.
"You're a weird kid ," she said.
"No, you're a weird kid," he replied, annoyed.
He took the shoe she wasn't working on, and began to get the knots out. He wanted to say, ‘You should keep your shoes ready in case we have to leave in a hurry,’ but he thought better of it. She had spent a year sleeping in her boots. She deserved to keep her shoes however she wanted. Her canvas sneakers were orange and she had drawn on them. There were tiny stars and little moons and planets. She had also drawn sheep on them. Joel felt that happy pain when your heart feels too full of good shit to last. He finished straightening out her shoe and set it between them.
"I wanted to take it back, Ellie," he said. "The minute it left my mouth, I knew it was a lie, and I wanted to take it back." He cleared his throat. They both kept looking forward. "Me loving you doesn't mean I didn't love her. I said it 'cause, I thought it would be easier to leave you behind if you hated me. I'm sorry."
Ellie slid on her second shoe, slowly and meticulously double-knotted her lace, like he showed her how on the road. Finally, she looked at him. She had that funny look she got when Joel occasionally said the right thing. Then, she began to blink away tears. But the tears were coming now anyway, for both of them. She leaned down and tied her other shoe. When she was done, she sat up, and pressed her side into Joel. He put his arm around her shoulder, pulled her in tightly, and rested his chin on top of her head.
"You are my child, Ellie," he said. His words were as soft as her pine scented hair. "You are my daughter, through and through. Sorry your old man is so lame." Ellie nodded up and down slightly. He thought that he could feel her smile against his neck. They sat there for a moment. Then Ellie pulled away, and out of his orbit. She stood up and shrugged into her jacket without looking at him.
He got up too and pulled his right arm through the sleeve of his work coat. His shoulder had arthritis in it now, and it was stiff and painful, especially in the morning. He could feel Ellie at his side, pulling his jacket sleeve around for him so he didn't have to move his rotator cuff too much. He was always surprised when she did stuff like that. She noticed things that most other people wouldn't.
"Ok, then," he said, wiping the tears off his face with the back of his hand. When he turned to face her, she was reading the page he had filled out. "That all right?" he asked, clearing his throat.
She nodded her head and smiled at him. She said, "Thank you, Joel."
***
The parent-teacher conference the following week would be funny when they looked back on it--in twenty or thirty years. Mr. Moseby was alright. He was in a wheelchair. Sometimes he would stand up, and shuffle a couple of feet, but he was usually in the wheelchair. He seemed nice and weirdly normal. Joel had a hard time trusting people who seemed normal, but he, at least, had the decency to mask his paranoia. Ellie, on the other hand, had no such pretense.
"If kids can't carry weapons, what happens if we run into a clicker, or raiders? I think keeping children alive would be paramount to their learning outcomes," she said, her voice hitting the phrase "learning outcomes" with contempt.
"I understand that you have spent a long time out on the road with your, err, father?"
"Father," Joel said, nodding.
"With your father. I can't imagine how terrifying that must have been, Ellie," said Mr. Moseby, shaking his head slowly. "Here in Jackson, we have armed guards on our walls, 24/7. We have patrols guarding our perimeter for 50 kilometres on all sides. Kids in their classrooms shouldn't be worried about their security," he said.
"What about the perverts in town?" she said, angrily.
Mr. Moseby couldn't hide his shock. "The perverts?" he said, his blue eyes opened wide.
"Kids should be able to defend themselves," she said. "from preachers, teachers...ya know, perverts."
"Ellie!" Joel said.
She hadn't realized that she was being offensive until Joel pulled out his 'mind your manners' tone. She looked at him like he had just slapped her.
"It ain't like that here," he said, softly, shaking his head back and forth.
Ellie's eyes narrowed. She scowled at him, but Joel could tell that she was trying not to cry. "How do you know?" she whispered.
Joel stared at her. The truth is, he didn't know. He didn't fucking know. Maybe Jackson was full of perverts. He looked at the principal. Mr. Moseby had turned the deepest shade of purple a human could turn without dying.
Joel ran his hand through his hair and sighed. "I don't think either of us is ready for school, separation, none of it." Ellie wasn't looking at him. He put his hand on the back of her chair, and cleared his throat. "I was injured on the road - stabbed," he said. He shifted his body a bit, as if to adjust his wound. "My daughter dragged my unconscious body for miles, behind a horse. She sewed me up, with a needle and thread. Shot a deer and traded it for antibiotics." Joel's head dropped and he was quiet and still for a moment. Finally, he was able to say, "She is only fifteen. So, it might take a while."
Mr. Moseby had regained his composure enough to nod enthusiastically at Joel, his face still red, and his eyes comically wide. "Take all the time you need," he said. His tone was sincere. He seemed...kind. "I can't imagine. I am so sorry," he said to Ellie. Ellie didn't look back. She was tilting her face down and poking at her eyes, trying to wipe away tears before they could leak out.
Joel stood up, and tentatively reached out his hand to the principal. It was some muscle memory from The Before-- dozens of Parent-Teacher conferences for Sarah. He could at least go through the motions, and act like a "normal" human here. But Ellie, for all her questions, and books, and observations, could never understand the past, or the sense of safety most people took for granted. Ellie lurched up when Joel did. She felt completely exposed. She wished Joel hadn't said anything about their deal. She wasn't sure why, but it filled her with fear.
The streets were quiet for the time of the day. The wind was driving the arctic air mass through their town, and most people were hiding.
"Sorry 'bout raisin' my voice. I, ."
But Ellie cut him off, "You know, David was a teacher before he was a preacher...not sure when he became a full-time pervert."
Joel stopped abruptly, "He was?"
Ellie stopped too, but kept her eyes on the ground, staring toward her orange sheep galaxy shoes. "Mmmhmm," she said, "a high school math teacher. But thanks for having my fuckin' back in there." Joel reached toward her but she turned around and walked away before he could touch her. He followed her home, keeping a few feet behind. Instead of storming off like his other fourteen year old, this one, thankfully, stayed within lunging distance. Joel tried to give her all the space she needed. It didn't ever go well when he pushed her. In his experience, she pushed herself far enough.
Later that night, Tommy came over. He had signed out two Martin D-18's so that he and Joel could play together. When Ellie heard them, she stalked over to the stairs, and listened. She hated that she loved it, but she did. She eventually swallowed the anger she felt, and sat on the top landing. It sounded beautiful.
"Ellie?" said Joel, finally addressing the long-johned leg resting on the top stair.
"Oh ya," she said, leaning forward and waving through the balusters. "Hey Tommy."
"Hey, kid," Tommy said, smiling.
"Wanna come down and...," Joel asked.
"Nope, was just gonna say goodnight," she said. " 'Night." And she was off.
Tommy raised an eyebrow, but his brother just shook his head and kept strumming. They played for an hour longer. Tommy had never quit practicing, and it showed. Joel's fingertips burned-- he was rusty af. It was nice to play rhythm instead of the lead. His mistakes weren't as glaring, behind Tommy's proficient picking.
"I started playin' with the banjo, too. A little," he was putting his guitar in its case. "We're getting quite a lending library together. You can sign out, lemme see...there's a Fender Squier in there that you can sign out for a week at a time." Joel handed him the guitar he was playing. "These D-18's can only be signed out overnight, though. That was my stupid rule, and I'm already sorry that I made it." Tommy took out a cloth and began wiping down the instrument before putting it in its case.
"So, you're a teacher now," said Joel, smirking. "These poor fuckin' kids."
Tommy laughed, "Jesus, don't I know it!" His eyes stayed crinkled at the sides. "Ya know," he said, "I love to do it." He looked up at Joel, and shrugged his shoulders. "I think you'd be good at it too, Joel."
Joel scowled, "That would be a hard pass."
Tommy's posture softened. "You taught me more in life than anyone. Thanks most of all for showing me how to be a good dad."
Joel didn't respond. Being called a good dad was the highest order of compliment. He had been a good dad right up until he had got his daughter killed. He also felt incredible shame for the other things he taught his brother, the dark, violent things. It made him yearn for The Before, and for Sarah. But then there would be no Ellie. He shook his head against the idea, as he stood up and stretched. Tommy could see the bottom edge of his scar. It made Tommy wince before he caught himself. Joel saw him do it.
"We went to sign her up on Monday. School," said Joel, softly. He walked over to the stairs and craned his neck to make sure Ellie wasn't on the landing. Her door was shut.
"How'd it go?"
Joel grimaced, and sat back down on the couch. "Not well."
Tommy's forehead scrunched up. "Moseby?" he asked.
Joel shook his head. "Nah, he seems...alright. Ellie's just not ready."
Tommy waited. He wanted to pepper his brother with questions--the way Maria did to Tommy when she wanted the facts. But he waited because he knew from experience that Joel would only reveal what he wanted, when he was ready.
Joel sighed, then quietly said, "What I say here is not to be repeated. To anyone. You understand?"
Tommy nodded, feeling his chest tighten. He knew 'anyone' was code for Maria. He hated to keep secrets from her, but he also knew that the only other person Joel had confided in, had blown herself up in a library in Boston.
"When she killed that deer, and traded for antibiotics, that's not the end of the story."
Tommy felt adrenaline churn in his stomach. He leaned toward his brother, and said, "OK?"
"They took her, Tommy. They came back, next day to hunt us down. They. Took. Her," Joel said, spitting out the words, like they were poison on his tongue.
Tommy leaned back and thought about why raiders would take a fourteen year old girl. "Holy Fuck," was all he could say.
"Still don't know all what happened, but I do know, the leader, this David motherfucker, was runnin' a cult. He put her in a cage. He had a thing for little girls. He held her down on a butcher's block and tried to kill her with a god-damned meat cleaver," Joel said. His voice was barely audible, and tears were beginning to overflow his sad, brown eyes. He hung his head, and slouched into himself.
Tommy leaned over and squeezed his brother's shoulder. He felt ashamed for not going with them. Images of Ellie laying on a butcher's block made him want to throw up. Tommy should have gone with them. Tommy leaned back.
"When I found this ski lodge they were stayin' in, there was a meat locker with three bodies. They were eatin' people...hangin' 'em up on meat hooks, skinnin' and butcherin' them." He put his head in his hands. Every few seconds, a new tear would fall onto his pant leg. "I don't know if she even knows that part," he said, his voice a whine.
Tommy was horrified. His only response was shock. His poor fucking brother. His poor fucking niece. He should have been there. He should have gone with them. It was several minutes before Joel got up to blow his nose and splash water on his face. He was leaning over the kitchen sink, drying off with a towel. Tommy gave him a minute, then followed him. Joel straightened up, and turned around to face his brother.
"Today, she told Chris Moseby that kids should be armed, to be able to defend themselves from pervert teachers." Joel was barely audible. Tommy had to lean in to hear him. "I snapped at her. Ya know, her god-damned manners are atrocious. Anyway, she tells me after, that before David ran a cult, he was a highschool math teacher." Joel lifted up his hands, like he was going to choke someone. "I can't send her to school like that, with strangers, unarmed and afraid. It'd be cruel."
Tommy met his brother's eyes and he nodded. It took him a while to pull himself together enough to say, "Ya know, between me, you, and Maria, we could probably give her a decent education. Grade Nine, anyway."
Joel shook his head then slowly began to nod. " I mean, I guess," he said.
"Construction, hunting, governance, guitar playing, ....sounds like a well rounded kid," Tommy said, smiling a bit.
Joel said, "Ya, ok. Maybe," He sounded hopeful. "I mean, if they let us," he added, with hesitation.
Tommy smiled. "My wife will bulldoze over any sort of resistance on the counsel....for a good enough reason."
Joel deflated a little. "What do we have to tell her?"
Tommy shrugged, and said, "I mean, the basics are compelling. I dunno, but Joel, I promise, Maria would never betray your girl. She loves that fucking kid, like, a million times more than she'll ever like you."
Joel scoffed, "Ya, no shit." But in time, he began to nod.
"Let me talk to her, then?"
Joel stared at his brother. "Ok," he finally said, with a nod.
***
Later that night, Tommy told Maria about Ellie. Her eyes were large, and locked onto his. By the time he told her about Joel crying, the tears were coming down his own face. "I should have gone with them. That kid," he said, gently shaking his head, "that poor fuckin' kid."
Maria held him in her arms and rocked him back and forth. "We got her, T," she said. "We can make this work."
The second Parent-Teacher conference happened without Ellie. "That's the customary way we do these types of conferences," said Principal Moseby, smiling widely. "Let the adults work out the kinks before presenting the options to your daughter." The principal looked more relaxed...almost like he was relieved that Ellie wasn't there to ponder perversion among his staff, or torment him with his academic outcomes jargon.
"Ok," said Maria, all business. "The point of this meeting is to ensure that our niece can complete the ninth grade, outside of the school structure. I have looked over the academic requirements of the ninth grade, and I feel confident that we can give her a proper education, at least until she acclimates to Jackson."
Principal Moseby was nodding along. Tommy was looking adoringly at his wife, Joel was looking out the window, wondering how Ellie was doing. She had been outraged that she wasn't invited.
"Well that's real fucking nice of you! Get together and talk about me behind my back," she said. "I bet that bitch, Emily Post, would have something to say about it, '' she said. She still hadn't forgiven him for reprimanding her in front of her Principal. Joel felt guilty that he hadn't picked up on her fear. As a result, manners were on the back burner again.
"We ain't talkin' about anything but your education," said Joel.
"Ain't isn't a fucking word, Joel. Maybe start my education there," she said, icily. He last saw her trudging up the stairs, and slamming her door. He stood at the bottom of the staircase, hand gripping the bannister. He squeezed hard enough to feel every old break and fracture in his hand.
"I feel confident she'll knock out the academic modules with minimal guidance. This kid is smarrrrrrt, Chris," she said, nodding her head up and down.
The principal shifted in his wheelchair. "Yes, Maria," he said. "That was certainly the impression I garnered." Joel tried not to smirk.
Maria produced four folders, and handed them out. It was an education plan--just for Ellie. She had written a syllabus for each course, complete with required hours, learning objectives, and a schedule. Joel felt overwhelmed. He was happy that Ellie had other adults to rely on--to call her family. He also hated the concept of 'owing' something to Maria. "I also wondered if her dad could accompany her to the animal husbandry class," said Maria. Maybe even pop into the odd cooking class--meet some of the teachers."
"Especially the male ones," said Joel. His tone was steel. His eyes were black. He made it clear that a man had hurt his child, and he would murder the whole god-damned town if it happened again.
Mr. Moseby's smile flailed slightly, before rebounding. "Yes. I think, yes,...excellent idea, Maria. I'll make sure the teachers are...are made aware."
The meeting droned on for a time. Maria ran a tight ship and Joel was just happy to be on it. She must have spent days on this plan, he thought, flipping through. He looked over the Construction, Survival, and Hunting and Gun Safety outlines. He could teach those things, he thought. He had already taught her how to hunt, but he would be happy to range with her again. He missed those long hours alone at her side.
On the way home, Joel cleared his throat. Then sighed. "You did a lot of work here, Maria," he finally said, lifting up the folder she had given him. "It's, I mean, impressive. I want to thank you. Thank you for helpin' Ellie,'' Joel said, oddly emotional. He was losing it, for fuck sake.
Maria stared at him with those dark eyes. Now there was a poker player, thought Joel. She softened them a little and smiled. "You're welcome, Joel. We love Ellie. She's family. Besides, the real work won't start until we begin teaching her."
Tommy had a stupid grin on his face. Fine, Joel thought. He would swallow his pride and make peace with anyone who would help his girl--even the sister-in-law who talked smack about him to his kid. In all honesty, she gave Ellie good advice in the end. And she was really smart, like Ellie-level smart. Thankfully, neither seemed to mind slumming it with the Miller brothers.
Ellie paused her silent treatment in exchange for the education plan that Maria had sent home. She sat down cross-legged on the couch and devoured it. Joel boiled some water and made two mint teas. He set them down on the pine coffee table, and lowered himself onto the couch beside her, trying to internalize his 'old-man moans'. He put his feet up on the table and crossed them at the ankles. Leaning back, he put his hands behind his head to cradle his neck, and closed her eyes while she read . When he woke up, he was slumped sideways, with a blanket over his legs. It seemed darker than he remembered. His tea was cold, and hers' was gone.
He got up, feeling a tightness in his shoulder and neck. He drank the tea in a single shot, and walked to the kitchen. He rifled through the tin of willow bark for a sizable piece to chew. There was a note on the chalkboard that was mounted on the wall beside the fridge. "Uncle Tommy's," was written in Ellie's neat, teenage girl printing. He stared at it for a long time before grabbing his jacket, and heading across the street.
The air was so cold, Joel reflexively stuffed his hands into his pockets for the 15 second walk to his brother's. When he hit the first step of the porch at 10 Maple St., he heard Tommy laughing, followed by Ellie's unrestrained giggles. He loved that sound. He didn't even mind when it came at his own expense. He had never considered himself a comic figure until his every mannerism was dissected and mocked by those two hyenas. They found it particularly hilarious when Joel was in a bad mood. He'd usually roll his eyes, and shake his head and let them cackle away. He would be loath to admit that he found it simultaneously annoying and endearing.