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Today started with a rainy morning.
Soonyoung would’ve enjoyed his comfy bed for a little bit more if not for people messaging him the same thing:
“Have you talked to Jihoon?”
The messages were all sent from different times, starting from last night to an hour ago. Jisoo’s message had an image attached to it. Soonyoung opened it and read the words carefully.
Jihoon’s words, they are usually rather minimal. So it’s always intriguing to find him writing in paragraphs - ones that look like stacks of mismatched suitcases. Layered cake of different flavours which doesn't look too appetizing, but somehow tastes pleasant the more you consume. Feelings mushed together - ones he’d kept inside for long and had been begging to be set free.
These paragraphs never fail to make Soonyoung feel.. stifled? Somewhat smothered, chest tight, breathless. All that because of the rush of finally understanding Jihoon’s complex thoughts once more.
//
Jihoon, with so many thoughts inside his head.
But who doesn't? It seems like everyone dabbles in overthinking nowadays.
We worry about everything, sometimes unfortunately all at once. About the things we regret not doing, things we wish we could’ve done better.
I, for one, don't think we should be keeping those thoughts for too long. We’ve done a lot, haven’t we? We’ve sacrificed time, money, comfort and dreams for the sake of others. We spend too much time dreading about missed opportunities instead of celebrating this very moment. Think about it. Haven’t we done enough?
I think you’ve done enough.
Jihoon, with so many emotions swelling inside his chest.
Sometimes I wonder how suffocating it must be to hold it all in. You’re the opposite of me, whose words bubble up before I could think it over. Someone who chooses the wrong words, mostly at the wrong time. Someone who should learn how to bite his tongue. Someone who’s forever thankful that he’s met someone who’s willing to listen to his bubbling, wrong words, no matter what.
Sometimes I’m sad I couldn’t be the same to you.
But you never needed someone like that as much as I do. You never came, no matter how open my doors are. But you’re your own person, and I respect that.
You’re your own person, with your own way to process your feelings. You have plenty of them. You hoard them in the little room at the corner of your heart and locked it, tossing the key somewhere vague so you'll never have to come back.
But those doors, they burst open sometimes.
We’ve known each other for years on and yet, there are still moments when I feel like I couldn’t fully understand you. The you who refuses to speak out most of the time, but once in a while would pen paragraphs of your raw emotions. I guess it just goes to show how complex people are, as you told me before. The me who wears everything on my sleeve, can still appear confusing to you. My visible feelings, my spoken thoughts. They contradict your well kept secrets, your unsaid words.
//
“Jihoon?”
The door creaks as Soonyoung slowly peeks into Jihoon’s room.
No answer.
With silence as his reply, Soonyoung begins to carefully navigate the unlit room and makes his way towards Jihoon’s bed.
Jihoon is laying down, both eyes still closed. His thick blanket in disarray, barely covering him. Soonyoung sits by the bed side and pulled the blanket to tuck Jihoon in properly. He snuggles to the blanket in response, letting Soonyoung know he's awake.
“I just read what you wrote last night.”
Soonyoung looks at Jihoon’s phone, which is by his pillow, just centimetres away from his still hand.
“It’s so sad, Jihoon.. You almost made me cry first thing in the morning.”
“Won’t be the first time,” mumbles Jihoon from under the blanket.
“Don't make it a habit now.” Soonyoung jokingly smacks Jihoon’s body. He then lets his hand linger there for a moment, and slowly pats Jihoon.
“Well.. I've been meaning to say my goodbyes too, but I didn’t know what to say. Now I know, since you said everything I wanted to say.”
Soonyoung looks at Jihoon, whose eyes are now open, staring into the space in front of him.
Even though he might just woke up, I doubt those thoughts ever left him even in his sleep.
“I hope those words reach him," says Soonyoung.
Jihoon grunts in response. He then turns his body towards Soonyoung and folds his body in a fetal position. “Ah, I hate being me sometimes."
"Why?'
"I mean. What’s the use of saying it all now? When it's too late.”
Soonyoung ponders before answering Jihoon.
"I'm sure he knows. About how grateful you are of him. That's why he was such a kind dongsaeng to you. Because you were a kind hyung to him.”
“…You think so.”
“I really do! Since not everything has to be said to be felt, right?” Soonyoung slowly lays down beside Jihoon and stared at the ceiling. “I learnt that from you.”
“You're learning all the bad things from me.”
“No, I think it's good advice! I used to think that people should be more obvious about their feelings.. But when you take time, sometimes it's the littlest things that makes you realise the intensity of someone's affection.”
“You're very.. articulate, for how early it is.”
“..Well, I've been awake for some time. Thinking about what you wrote and how you must've felt. I was wondering how to best approach you. But you told me to not complicate things. So here I am.”
Here you are, Jihoon thinks. Whenever these heavy thoughts escape, you're here. Making sure I harbour no regrets from letting my feelings show. Comforting me in your own way. Now that I think about it.. Am I getting too dependent? Since I knew you would be the brave one to barge in with haste. Since I knew you would be here the moment you knew.
Jihoon sighs.
But I’m grateful for it all, and for you, and I know you know this.
“I know.”
Jihoon froze. For a split second, he thought he had spoken his thoughts out loud.
Soonyoung turns his head towards Jihoon.
“This might sound out of the blue, but I’m thankful for everything, Jihoon. For your existence. Your kindness. You letting your guards down for me. Just.. you being you.”
It might be the leftover emotions from last night, but Soonyoung's words felt too warm to hear that Jihoon's heart might as well burst into fireworks. Words from the person who taught him to say things he thought was supposed to only live in his head. To feel. To let feelings take over him. To know that it’s never too much nor too late to let someone how much they mean to you.
Jihoon looks at Soonyoung who is smiling, face full of tenderness Jihoon will never grow tired of.
“I’m sure you’re fed up by this, but I will never - never - stop telling you how much you mean to me. You’re like, this, irreplaceable human being in my whooole wide world that I could never live witho-”
Soonyoung’s words turn muffled as Jihoon covers Soonyoung’s face with his blanket.
“Let’s just go back to sleep."
//
It doesn’t matter if you don’t come to me, for I will always find a way to be by your side.
For I will be the one who lays it all bare until you do the same.
Right here on your bed,
sometime down the line,
or later in the afterlife.