Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Your majesty, did you have a nightmare?” 

A blurry figure looms over him, a hand held above his face. He can distinguish that the figure wears a loose white robe, tied hastily at their waist and slipping off their shoulder. 

Sae blinks a few more times. The figure’s hair ghosts over their forehead in shades of magenta and hazel. A pair of eyes flutter owlishly at him, swirling behind their pupils a shade of deep red; akin to wine or blood. 

“Are you alright?” 

A hand rests on his forehead and Sae makes out a face, he flinches before harshly pushing the figure away. Sitting on the bed beside him is a girl with messy burgundy hair and deep brown eyes. No sign of magenta locks, or bright irises. 

He must have been dreaming.

“You…” He chokes out. “Get out now.”

“What?” The girl mumbles. “Ah, as you wish…” She scrambles off the bed and hurries out of the room.

Sae climbs out of bed and grabs his dress shirt off the floor. He dusts it off and puts it on in one fluid movement. “Chamberlain!” He yells, walking towards his office. 

“You called, your majesty?” His chamberlain, Yukimiya, bows deeply. 

“Who was that woman?” He sits down at his desk, pulling out a slip of paper and a pen. “Tell me everything that you remember about her.”

“She was a dancer from the banquet last night. I believe you promised her land and treasures that would last a lifetime.” 

Sae puts a finger to his throbbing temple and massages lightly. He can barely remember anything from the night before except that he had a few too many drinks and suddenly he was living in a dream. “Give her what I promised and then kill her.”

Yukimiya’s expression darkens. “Yes, your majesty.” He bows before turning to leave. 

The clock on Sae’s desk ticks away like a cruel reminder of his duty. The imperial calendar reads April 29th, Sae begins writing a letter.

Your highness, he jots down in purple ink. Spring has arrived in Japan with splendor. The cherry blossoms are in their blooming period, you have a fondness for those flowers if I remember correctly. 

He places his pen down and contemplates for a few moments, unsure of how to word the next sentence. He sighs deeply and lifts his pen once again. A day remains before May arrives. The royal consort’s death anniversary is a week away.

He tucks the paper into an envelope and leaves it in the tray of letters he needs delivered. He moves away from his desk and walks back to his bedroom, his pace quickens when he walks past a curtain covered portrait — someone must have looked at the portrait beyond it, the curtain was pulled aside by a little crack.

In Sae’s dreams, he’s there.

In the familiar white formal robes he always wore; the ones with the charming sleeves. On his head; a tiara with blood diamonds that Sae’s mother bestowed upon him herself. 

He sits alone by the garden fountain, which is loud — so infuriatingly loud, Sae can barely hear his sweet humming. 

Sae approaches him slowly, the details of his face come into view; the soft apples of his cheeks; his long lashes; pretty, pretty pink lips.

His humming gets louder, but the fountain still overshadows his voice. And Sae is so tired, and he’s so desperate, and he stumbles over the intricate stone path of the garden and—–

“Your highness, are you alright?” Alexis is suddenly beside him, holding him by his arm.

Sae quickly turns to look at him, his heart beating furiously in his chest. But, the longer he looked at Alexis’ face, the more confused he became.

Alexis’ face… didn’t come out clearly. It was as if it was obscured by something hazy. Sae blinks a few times, believing that his eyes were fogged over by something. The shadow over Alexis’ face didn’t disappear.

Why? Why couldn’t his face appear clearly?

“Your highness, you must return to the little prince’s birthday.”

The garden warps into something black and huge before spinning around Sae like some sort of blackhole. He frantically looks around for any semblance of light. The blackhole keeps spinning around him, making him dizzy, and then it stops. It stops and disappears into Sae’s chest, making him howl in pain. 

Sae is awake.

…

“Why did you leave…?”

“Your highness, you must return to the little prince’s birthday.”

Sae heaves out a sigh. “Rin is with his friends, I’m hardly needed there.”

“Then why are you here?” Ness smiles mischievously. “I can’t imagine your highness wants to spend time with me of all people?”

“And what’s so bad about you?” Sae scoffs. “You’re probably better than everyone there.”

“Your highness, that is an insult to the queen, the king, and the little prince.”

“But it’s true,” Sae pushes a lock of hair out of Ness’ face. “I’d much rather spend time with you, Alexis.”

Ness blushes a pretty red, a color that fans over his cheeks. “Since when were you such a romantic?”

“Romantic? That was just me being honest.”

There is silence. Then, Ness throws his head back in laughter. He laughs hard, lifting a hand to cover his mouth to remain even the slightest bit graceful in the presence of the prince.

But Sae is completely smitten, taking delight in the redness of Ness’ cheeks, the way his slender fingers barely covered his pretty mouth, his laughter sounding like the most soothing lullaby in the world. 

“Your highness would be a good comedian.” Ness nods his head, and then breaks into laughter once more.

Sae wants to say that he isn’t joking, but Ness looks far too pretty. He’ll just have to tell him another time.

“Your majesty—!” Yukimiya barges into the restricted section of the royal library, in his hand a letter with a blue seal. “The prince of Germany has sent a reply.”

Sae waves him over, not moving his eyes away from the book in front of him. He’d been anticipating Kaiser’s reply; it would either be polite and formal as expected of a crown prince, or it would be the most painful piece of text Sae would ever read.

He grabs the letter out of Yukimiya’s hand and pulls it open. It reads: Hey, you mannerless fuck. Still haven’t learned how to write letters like a normal person? How do you wax poetic about cherry blossoms and then tell me about my best friend’s death anniversary? Eat shit and die.

As expected, Kaiser still lacks dignity. Sae rolls his eyes and tucks the letter back into the envelope. He hands it back to Yukimiya. “Throw it in the box with his other letters.”

Yukimiya nods, but he doesn’t move to leave. He opens his mouth and closes it a couple of times, by this point, Sae calls him out. “Do you have anything to say, chamberlain?” 

Yukimiya’s expression shifts into something uncomfortable. “May I… talk to you as your long time friend rather than your chamberlain for a moment?” 

Sae stops his reading when he hears this. Yukimiya hadn’t made such a request since they were both teenagers, he stays true to his duty as the king’s chamberlain and doesn’t seek out the best friend he lost to the title. “What is it… Yukki?” Sae tests out the old nickname on his tongue, years of not using it making the whole situation slightly awkward.

Yukimiya doesn’t comment on his embarrassed tone, he never will. “Sae… you know,  how about we reopen the north wing?” He sucks in a breath. “His highness, Alexis, has already been—”

Sae abruptly stands up from his seat, a sharp, cold glare set on his face. “How many times have I told you not to mention that name in front of me? How many times have I–”

“Sae, how much longer will you keep all of this bottled up?” Yukimiya frowns. “You don’t hate his highness.”

“And how do you know that? Do you think you know everything about me?”

“No, and that’s the thing.” Yukimiya pushes his glasses up. “I don’t know anything about you, or the current you at least. I knew everything about you as a teenager, however. That’s why I said, you don’t hate him. I watched you two all the time, Sae. The letters you exchanged, the way you changed the way you dressed because of him! You built him an entire garden, you even— you even gave him a jewel that was blessed by a god.” Yukimiya trails off, a distant look in his eyes. His hands clenching around air before falling still again. 

“And when he finally—”

“Stop! Stop. I don’t want to hear anymore of this. Just stop talking, Yukimiya.” 

Sae leaves the library, Yukimiya remains rooted on spot; memories of a youth spent carelessly playing like a film strip in his head.

“What are you doing?” Sae eyes the white and red robe hanging around his figure, Ness stands behind him, securing the robe around his hip. 

“I’ve always liked this style of clothing.” Ness places a hand on Sae’s shoulder and leans on him. “I kept thinking that your highness would look especially good in something like this.”

“It does feel light…” Sae muses, gazing at Ness’ smile in the mirror — which brightens after hearing his comment.

“I take it that you like it?” 

“You chose this for me yourself. Why wouldn’t I like it?” He turns around to face Ness, holding him gently by the arms. 

「I’ll like anything you give me」— goes unsaid, but Ness must already know. 

“You like to stay proper, so I wasn’t sure.” Ness leans into the touch, always gentle, always soft, always what Sae adored. 

“We should dress the same, since you like clothing like this.” 

“Oh, but I don’t look good in red.” Ness laughs.

“Then we have to find a color that we both look good in. I want us to… match.” Sae blushes at the absurd wording of his sentence.

Ness buries his face in Sae’s chest, his body shaking from laughter. “Your highness…” He exhales. “I really didn’t know you could be so cute.” 

“I’m not cute.” Sae runs a hand up and down Ness’ back, trying to calm the boy down.

“Of course,” Ness lifts his face up and gazes into Sae’s eyes. “Your highness is handsome, then.” 

Sae grumbles at Ness’ praise, unable to handle such flattery. Ness keeps prodding at his patience with useless compliments until Sae storms out of the room in embarrassment. 

Ness chases after him, laughing all the while.

“You’ve come after all, I see.” Sae observes, staring down the 190cm German with blue highlights sitting in his office. 

“You act like Alexis’ death anniversary is something I make a habit to miss.” Kaiser frowns.

“No, this is just the first time you’ve come to greet me.” His eye twitches at hearing the familiar name. 

Kaiser regards Sae with disdain, eyes roaming over his figure in displeasure. “So you still dress like that?” He turns away.

“It’s comfortable.” Sae offers no explanation, turning away from him to sit at his desk. 

“This place still looks the same.” He comments.

“I don’t erratically change my decor like you.”

Kaiser rolls his eyes and resolves to shutting his mouth. His eyes wander all over Sae’s office, everything so familiar that it feels like he can’t breathe. The chessboard on the table before him, the candle holders, the chandelier, the vase of flowers. Everywhere he looks, traces of Alexis are sprinkled all throughout the room, all throughout Sae’s room. 

It feels like no time has passed. Kaiser is sure that if he keeps his eyes closed long enough, when he opens them again, he’ll be in this very same room — but he’ll be 17 again, and Alexis would be sitting across from him with Sae. And Kaiser would be leaning his head on Yukimiya’s shoulder.

They’d share tea and biscuits.

Yukimiya and Sae would play a game of chess.

Sae would crack a horrible joke and they’d all immediately jump to make fun of him.

Alexis would laugh at Sae’s horrible joke and they’d all stop what they were doing just to laugh with him. 

They’d be children again, and they’d all be in the same place, hanging out together all the time and skipping out on their duties. 

“I can hear you thinking from here. Stop that.” Sae breaks Kaiser out of his trance, indifference oozing off of him like cheap perfume. 

“Do you still even care?” Kaiser lets the words slip out of his mouth before he can even think.

“About what?” 

“About Alexis.” 

Sae frowns, as he always does when Alexis is mentioned. Kaiser doesn’t understand — doesn’t understand how Alexis’ own lover is so undeterred by his death when even his best friend is still haunted by it. 

“Why care about a dead man? I’m not interested in traitors.” Sae says nonchalantly.

Too many things pass through Kaiser’s mind and before he knows it, his hand is grabbing Sae by the front of his clothing and pulling him out of his chair. “You dare say shit like that in front of me?”  

Sae doesn’t say anything. He won’t say anything, Kaiser knows this. Sae would rather keep everything buried within himself than ever confront any of his problems. Because truly, that is the kind of person Itoshi Sae is; someone so clumsy, so unsure of his surroundings, he doesn’t even know that his own emotions are slowly overflowing and drowning him. 

“Alexis wasn’t— isn’t a traitor. He died for you.” Kaiser grits out. “You knew his heart was frail, isn’t that why you gave him that heirloom? You knew he would do anything for you… so why did you leave him to die in that palace?!” 

Sae’s eyes go wide in a frenzy, his face contorts into something awful. He grabs Kaiser’s collar and pulls the man towards him. “You act like you know everything. If he would do anything for me, then why did he have to die? I told him not to do anything— he could’ve survived if he hadn’t— why did he leave me behind?!” 

Kaiser doesn’t move, he’s finally pushed Sae to the breaking point – if the redness of his eyes are any proof of it.

“Take the magician’s heart back to Germany with you, I no longer want to keep it housed in the north wing.” Sae says weakly.

“The magician’s heart isn’t mine to keep.” Kaiser breathes. “Alexis’ heart has only ever belonged to you, I’m not interested in messing with holy beings.”

Kaiser leaves, probably to find Yukimiya. Sae knows they have something going on, he doesn’t understand what Yukimiya sees in Kaiser. But Kaiser probably doesn’t understand what Alexis saw in Sae, so he leaves the matter alone. 

It’s none of his business.

“Your majesty, do you like that flower?” Ness questions, gently placing a finger on the petal of a clematis.

Sae rolls his eyes. “First it was ‘your highness’ and now it’s ‘your majesty’. Your ears must be for decoration, I keep telling you to call me by my given name already.” 

Ness giggles and wraps his hands around Sae’s arm. “I’m flattered that your majesty thinks my ears are worthy of being decoration.” 

“It wasn’t a compliment…” Sae sighs. 

Sae pulls Ness towards him by the waist and spins them around the garden. Ness’ laughter doesn’t stop, it rings throughout the entire place like the beautiful notes of a violin. 

“I have a gift for you.” He lifts Ness up into his arms and he quickly wraps his arms around Sae’s shoulders for support. 

“For me?” Ness looks down at him.

Sae holds Ness with one arm and pulls out a beautiful purple diamond necklace from his pocket. The entire necklace is gold with a purple pendant and gold netting. The diamond in the middle swirls the longer Ness looks at it.

“Your majesty, this is—”

“The magician’s heart.” Sae places Ness down and lifts the necklace to place it around Ness’ neck. “I want you to have it, the magic in the diamond will keep the blood in your heart flowing.” 

“Your majesty, this was blessed by the goddess Teieri, I can’t possibly—”

“That’s exactly why I’m giving it to you. It’ll protect you.” 

“—accept this.” Ness looks down at the necklace with a burdened expression. “...But my heart is already…”

“Don’t say anymore,” Sae lifts Ness’ hand up to his lips and places a single soft kiss on it. “You’re fine.”

Ness doesn’t argue with him, he instead nods and kisses Sae’s cheek. “Thank you, your majesty. I’m grateful for your generosity.” 

In the forbidden north wing of the palace, the royal consort, prince Alexis Ness’ heart resides. 

In a large purple diamond embedded into a gold necklace, the royal consort’s blood swirls within the jewel. 

Rin steps into the dark corridor, a single drop of moonlight streams in through the window pane in front of him. The farther he walks, the closer he gets to a glass case with Alexis’ heart.

He stops and looks down at it. The diamond begins making a thumping noise; beating, Alexis’ heart is beating. It’s subtle and slow, but still there.

It reacts differently to whoever gets close to it. To Alexis, Rin was the shy little brother whom he always tried to include in everything. Rin was a cooperative child until he turned 14, until Alexis died. 

The Rin standing before Alexis’ heart is no longer the little boy who always wanted to play with him, and yet Alexis feels for him all the same. Unlike his own brother, who’s standing behind him.

Rin can tell. Sae’s presence is imposing, you can feel it a mile away. Like some sort of god who has come to conduct divine judgement. 

“Rin, what are you doing?”

Rin wants to punch him. Why else would he be in front of Alexis’ heart if not to pay his respects? He stays quiet for a few more moments, completing his silent prayer.

“Answer me, Rin.”

He swallows the lump in his throat, then says: “I’m just here to pay my respects. I’ll leave now, Sae.”

If Sae feels suffocated, he doesn’t acknowledge it. Rin begins walking away, Sae should let him go – he’s a duke, surely he has duties to fulfill. But he still lets words slip from his mouth, how lukewarm. “Rin, stay—for a while. For dinner.”

Rin stops, there’s a silent plea. Stay. If Rin is lonely, only god must know what Sae is. For the sake of Alexis, and for the sea of love he has for his older brother, Rin stays.

“Do you still like ochazuke?” 

Rin nods, glancing up from his bowl to look at Sae. His brother is mostly the same since the last time he saw him. The same cherry colored hair slicked up, the same eyes Rin sees in the mirror everyday, the same godly grace of a king.

But there’s a gap. Sae doesn’t look quite right. He looks pallid, in a way. Like a stone statue, perhaps if Sae moves his mouth to form a smile, will he crumble like one too? 

There’s an odd air about him, like he can’t seem to scratch an itch — or he can’t seem to scratch an itch he doesn’t know he has. 

“What are you looking at?” Sae questions.

“My older brother, apparently.” Rin comments blandly. 

The whole ordeal is awkward and stiff. It’s so awkward that it makes Rin’s ochazuke taste bland despite everything in it. 

The silence is deafening, so Rin finally says something. 

“Have y—”

“How is Yoich—”

They both stopped, it seems they spoke at once. Rin lets a laugh slip out against his will, Sae lifts a hand to his mouth to hide something that Rin suspects to be a smile. 

“Yoichi is fine, we’re doing well.” He spoons—chopsticks (?) a bit of rice and bream into his mouth, elegantly slurping the tea from his bowl. 

“That’s good,” Sae nods. “Bring him to visit some time.”

“I will.” Rin nods.

The remainder of dinner is spent in a somewhat comfortable silence. When they’re both finished, and the time to leave has come, Rin faces his older brother once more.

“I think you should go see him. It’s been a long time, nii-chan. And you know, it’s spring. Maybe it’s time to let the sun rise.”

Rin steps into his carriage and doesn’t look back. But when they were still in the hall, when Sae was standing behind Rin, Alexis’ heartbeat sped up almost rapidly. 

“Your majesty, it hurts… so much.”

Sae looks at Ness’ body with frantic eyes, holding his hand tightly. One of Ness’ hands clutches onto the fabric of his shirt where his chest is.

Sae wishes he could do something more. He wishes he could bear the pain for Ness instead. 

But he can’t. So he tries to provide Ness with as much comfort as possible. He whispers into Ness’ ears, “It’s okay, you’ll be okay. Deep breaths, Alexis. Stay with me.” He kisses his forehead every now and then. 

Blut schmerzen. A disease that causes the blood within the heart to stop flowing—or dry up completely. Incurable.

Sae’s best bet to keep Ness healthy and well was to give him a jewel that pulled all the blood within his heart towards it, even if little, it kept his heart functioning. 

But the effects of the jewel had simmered down as the goddess who blessed it laid down for an eternal slumber. 

“Your majesty, I don’t want to leave you…” Ness says, voice hoarse. A few tears slip down his cheeks. Sae kisses them away.

“Nothing will happen. You made an oath, we shall be together till the end of every fable. You’ll be okay.” Sae kisses him once more.

If Sae knew that would be the last time he’d ever get to kiss Ness, perhaps he’d do it more. 

Ness never called Sae by his given name till his dying breath. 

He dies on a spring morning, right as the sun begins rising. Sae gazes out the window, he wants to scream at the sun. 

「How dare you rise when Alexis no longer can?」— ͏͏͏he wants to scream at every living being for being alive when Ness isn’t. Including himself. 

He sits on the bed with Ness’ cold body until the royal physician comes and takes him away. Yukimiya comes into the room and urges him to sit elsewhere because the bed isn’t clean, Sae waves him off and stays seated. 

He can’t feel anything, and foolishly, he thinks that if he stays in this room long enough, maybe he’ll hear a knock on the door. Ness will be outside, and he’ll find Sae. He’ll carefully wrap his arms around Sae’s shoulders and laugh in his ear. “It must have been a dream, your majesty. Why would I ever leave?”

Sae closes his eyes and hopes, that perhaps everything truly is a dream. 

Days pass, Ness still doesn’t knock on the door. 

Sae feels like his heart is being torn to shreds. Did Ness feel like this in his dying moments? Surely not, it was probably more painful. The pain in Sae’s heart doubles day by day, it becomes unbearable. 

He didn’t attend the funeral. He was too scared, and worried. What if Ness knocks on the door and he isn’t here? He couldn’t risk it.

Sae doesn’t leave the room. 

He doesn’t listen to Rin and Yukimiya’s pleads as they tell him to stop when he fills the magician’s heart with Ness’ blood.

Eventually, the painful longing in Sae’s chest blooms into hatred.

It feels like thick, thorny vines have enveloped Sae’s heart with their wrath. He becomes cold, and indifferent, and unfeeling, and all the things he promised Ness he would never become.

In this way, Sae lives.

“Your majesty!” Alexis calls out in Sae’s dream.

This dream feels different, it feels too real. He can feel as Alexis wraps his arms around his waist and kisses him on the nose. “You’re not a dream, are you?”

Alexis smiles. “It’s because of goddess Teieri that I’m here. Did your majesty know she woke up? Pray to her tonight, I’m sure she’ll make flowers bloom for you.”

“Flowers bloom for me regardless,” Sae scoffs, taking in the details of Alexis’ face. He looks even more beautiful than Sae remembers, even the countless portraits of him in the palace couldn’t catch his beauty. 

“Are you still upset with me?” He asks.

Sae ponders for a moment. Is he upset? He can’t tell. “I had dinner with Rin today. He’s very tall now.” He says instead.

“Have you made up then?”

“You even know about that?” Sae accuses.

“Of course I do. My heart whispers all the secrets of the palace to me.” Alexis smiles in the mischievous way that he does. It makes Sae’s heart leap. 

“I don’t think I… am upset with you.” He muses, brushing a thumb across Alexis’ cheek. 

“Then how do you feel right now?” 

“I’m not sure. But it’s… a nice feeling. It doesn’t feel bad.” 

“Your majesty,” Alexis begins, closing his eyes and smiling serenely. “How many sunsets have you seen in your head by now? Don’t you think that it’s time to let it rise?” 

“Is that what you want?” He mindlessly strokes Alexis’ hair. “Shall I pull the curtains open tomorrow morning?”

Alexis nods.

Sae wakes up.

If he pulls the curtains open the following morning, only the sun witnesses the affair. 

The dewy morning sun washes over his features, bathing his skin in a warm glow. His eyes turn the color of seafoam in the presence of the sun, elegant and beautiful like a deep pool of water stolen from heaven. 

For the first time in a very, very long time, Sae cries.

My dearest Alexis, 

 

I’m not very good at writing letters, but you know this. I’m still unsure even as I’m already writing, so please bear with me, my love in heaven. 

 

I’ve been thinking about what to say to you for a very long time. I wonder if I should apologize, or tell you that you’re special to me, I’m not quite sure. 

 

Your birthday passed a month ago. I hadn’t done anything particular to celebrate it, save for eating a plateful of your beloved raspberry truffles. But you know, the moon above the sea that night looked as if it was connected to the heavens. The water below it was shining, and silver. I waded out to the freezing sea to chase the moonlight. You’re probably thinking how foolish I am. It was freezing, I almost died. I knew there was nothing beyond that ray of light, but I still felt like I would find something there. 

 

I felt like I would find you there.

— Excerpt from To Destroy Beautifully: An Autobiography. Afterword: A final letter to my dearest.