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Is that time of the year, the day he dreads the most. Where everything went wrong nine years ago. Though the memory is still fresh inside his head.
Diluc bites his lips, trying to keep his emotions at bay, his hands are shaking but he successfully didn’t mess up any orders this time and he was glad that it’s closing time soon.
He wipes the glass to distract himself as one customer leaves one other. As the final customer leaves, Diluc lets out a huge sigh. He felt a pat on his back and sees Charles from the corner of his eye.
Rubbing his face with both of his palms, he looks down at the counter.
“You should get some rest now Master Diluc, you’ve been on edge the whole evening.”, Charles said, giving him another soft pat on the back.
Diluc swallows a lump in his throat and nods. “I will, after closing the tavern.”
Charles sighed, but he hums. “Take it easy, don’t strain yourself.” He then proceeds to clean up the glasses from the tables.
“You can leave now, I’ll handle the cleaning,” Charles said, placing down the glasses on the bar. “After all, you need to be home, no?”
Home. Can he even call the Winery home anymore? It doesn’t feel like that at all, though he grew up there. He doesn’t understand the concept.
“Charles…” Diluc tries to differ but got cut off.
“You’re clearly tired, Master Diluc. I know it’s not a good day for you. I’ll be fine, you’ll go.” Charles tries to reason with him and Diluc couldn’t fight him back even if he wants to.
He is tired.
Nodding reluctantly, he takes his coat and wears it before leaving, he then hears Charles calling after him. He turns around towards the man.
“Happy Birthday, Master Diluc.”
“Thank you, Charles.” He tried to give a smile but it was a strained one before turning to leave. As the door closes behind him, he felt the emotions bubbling up in him. He stands there for a moment.
He…doesn’t want to go back to the Winery tonight. He wants to be somewhere else where he can be calm. Somewhere he can be comfortable. So he walks up to that place and knocks on the door, hearing the door opening.
“Diluc?” The voice said.
“Kaeya...I...” Diluc exhaled a shaky breath. Gods, the relief of seeing his brother but he can’t afford to cry now so he looks at Kaeya pleadingly. “Can I…stay with you tonight?”
Kaeya who saw the desperate look on his brother let him go inside without hesitation, he closed the door and looked at his brother worriedly. He pats Diluc’s shoulder, ushering him to sit down.
Kaeya stood near him, just keeping an eye on him. He wasn’t expecting his brother to show up but here he is. “Do you want anything to drink?”
Diluc shakes his head, keeping silent. Kaeya sighs but he nods and went into the kitchen, fetching a glass of milk for Diluc, maybe that’ll help for now.
He sets the glass down in front of him and sits silently beside him, waiting if he needs to speak up about anything.
“Sorry for showing up so suddenly,” Diluc muttered, sighing as he finally relaxed on the sofa.
“I gave you a key for a reason, Diluc. You can come anytime. But do enlighten me, why are you here tonight?”
Diluc bites his inner cheek, what was he supposed to tell Kaeya for suddenly showing up at his house at this late hour?
“I, uh…no reason.” Diluc averted his eyes away from his brother, taking the glass of milk in front of him.
“That’s a lie and you can’t fool me, your ears are turning red. What’s going on?” Kaeya stares at his brother unamused, something is wrong.
Diluc just came and pleadingly asked him to stay the night and suddenly he said he was here for no reason.
Bullshit.
“Can’t I visit you?” Diluc tries to change the topic.
“At this hour? Bullshit.”
Diluc grumbled, cursing his ears for exposing him but he sighed, looking at the blunette hesitantly, “Do…do you remember what day it is today?”
Kaeya’s eyebrows raised, “It’s April 29. Well, it might’ve been midnight now, so it’s the thirtieth…oh.”
Diluc’s birthday and their father’s anniversary.
“Yeah…” Diluc looks at the glass in his palm. All of a sudden, the mood went down the drain and Diluc feels that he was starting to regret being here.
“I understand,” Kaeya says, making Diluc look up at him with slight relief. “Just make yourself comfortable here then. Uh well, since we uh, …wait.” Kaeya stands up and went into the kitchen before bringing a muffin in his hand.
“I know you don’t celebrate it but, uh. It’ll make do. Happy Birthday, Luc.” Kaeya laughed awkwardly but hands the muffin to Diluc.
Diluc huffed but accepts it, and takes a bite out of it. “Thanks. Great muffin, by the way, Lisa’s?”
“Yeah, Klee dropped by earlier in the afternoon and stayed a while. She passed the muffins to me. There’s a whole bunch left and I don’t know what to do with those.” Kaeya explains.
“Can’t you give it away?” Diluc raised one of his eyebrows before taking a sip of his milk.
“And do you think that’s a good decision?” Kaeya looks at Diluc with a knowing stare.
“Oh, right.” Diluc shivered. They used to do that back when they were teenagers ago Lisa found out, and they got zapped. He doesn’t want to experience that again.
They laughed softly and stayed silent for a while.
“Have you at least eaten one?” Diluc asked, finishing his muffin.
Kaeya grimaced and sighed, “Barely half, it was making me nauseous. It was too sweet for my liking as well.”
Diluc looks at him with sympathy, “Hm. You’ll get there, soon. But I'll help you to finish them.”
Kaeya hums and shakes his head at Diluc's willingness to eat the muffins, the amount of sugar he's going to consume. It was silent for a moment before Kaeya spoke up.
“You know where the guest room is, right? Your stuff is there. If you need me you can just knock on my door, I’ll probably be awake.” Kaeya said, looking at Diluc.
“Kaeya.” Diluc stares, his eyebrows furrowed. Is Kaeya ditching his pills again? He can’t help but be worried every second for the man in front of him, he's harming himself in so many ways.
“Not tonight, Luc. I’m tired, you’re tired as well, let’s call it a night, okay?” Kaeya pats his shoulder before taking the empty glass and bringing it to the kitchen. Then he steps out, seeing Diluc standing nearby.
“Go get some sleep, you need it,” Kaeya says softly to his brother, giving him a soft smile. “After all, the birthday boy needs to…ow! Diluc!”
--
It’s raining, too heavily for Diluc’s liking. He can’t sleep at all. He’s been tossing and turning but he can’t sleep. It always happens on this particular day, and he gets nightmares if he ever falls asleep. His gut churned, the memories of this day coming in like crashing waves.
He sat up, trying to catch his breath. Tears pricked around his eyes, he pressed his palm towards his chest, trying to breathe. He lays back down on the mattress and curled into himself, letting the tears fall, struggling to breathe.
He hates this. He hates this so much.
He can’t do this now. Everything was his fault. The memories, the blood on his hands, the fire. Kaeya. Is Kaeya okay?
He quickly sits up and gasps for air, hurriedly went out the door and he stood in front of Kaeya’s door and he suddenly regains his senses.
He shouldn’t startle his brother at this hour so he knocks softly on the door, but he can’t control his breathing.
“Come in.” Kaeya’s voice calls in from behind the door.
“Kae…” He opens the door and stands there at the door frame. Taking in the view of his brother, sitting and reading on the bed, alive and unharmed. He sighed in relief but his heart is still thrumming in his chest and he still couldn’t breathe well.
Kaeya takes a look at his brother and his eyes soften, he sets down his book and pats the empty spot beside him on the bed, Diluc closed the door behind him and sat next to his brother.
“Calm now, breathe. In, two three. Out, two three.” Kaeya rubs Diluc’s back, trying to soothe him and it worked. Diluc lets out a shaky exhale and gulps slightly. “Nightmares?” Kaeya asked.
“Thanks…”Diluc shuddered and nods, trying to calm himself. Kaeya’s here, next to him. He’s okay, he’s fine. Nothing happened.
“Yeah, nothing happened. I’m fine.” Kaeya repeats, holding Diluc’s hand and squeezing it gently. “You’re doing it again.”
“The mumbling?” Diluc looked up into Kaeya’s eyes and he froze. Kaeya’s eye. His right eye was also his doing, he slashed Kaeya’s eye and now he’s blind with that nasty scar. That’s also his fault.
“Diluc. That was years ago. Forget about it already, it already happened, okay?” Kaeya sighed, trying to change the topic was almost a success but Diluc is spiraling in his thoughts again.
Diluc stares into his eyes but he can’t help but beat himself up. His brother is suffering because of him. He’s hurting because of him, he did this. He was the cause of Kaeya being depressed.
“Diluc, enough. Please…” Kaeya sounds desperate now, he tries to pull Diluc out of his misery. “That’s enough…”
Diluc blinks away his tears and looks away from Kaeya, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have. I didn’t mean to…”
“I know, I know, just…be quiet for now. Please.” Kaeya sighed and leans on the headboard. If he’s being honest, he is still hurt by the fact that Diluc did actually hurt him all those years ago.
He still feels depressed because of Diluc. All these scars, and burns, all started from him. But he couldn’t tell him, not yet.
So he just stays quiet for now, trying to calm himself before opening his eyes and looking at his brother. He watches Diluc fumbling with his fingers as he bites down his lower lip.
“Stop biting, you’ll bleed.” He reaches out and pulls Diluc's chin. He sighed again, as he rubs his face, “I have to admit that some of it is your fault, and some of it are mine. But things happened for a reason Diluc, so, please. Stop blaming yourself for it. Years have passed.”
Diluc looks at him, teary-eyed, “And you? Do you not blame yourself? After what you did? After what I did? Years passed but the memories didn’t. It’s still vivid in my mind.”
“Of course, I blamed myself for what I did. I know it was wrong of me. Why do you think I’m still like this after all these years? It still hurts, Diluc.” Kaeya almost yelled those words but he keeps it firm and steady, he doesn’t want to fight or cry tonight.
Diluc stared at Kaeya, wiping his unshed tears away, “I’m sorry. I really am. I…I know what I did can’t repair the damage and I know with the amount of apologies, it’s not enough but I really am sorry.”
Kaeya stayed silent, swallowing a lump in his throat. “I know.” He says quietly, “I know, I’m tired of feeling like this. I just want to be okay, Diluc. I want us to be okay, not…not like this.”
Diluc looks down at Kaeya’s hand, before taking it in his and squeezing it. “Me too…” He whispered. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry,” Diluc repeats.
“Enough, Diluc…” Kaeya whispered back.
After a moment of silence, Kaeya pulls his hands away and looks at his brother. “You can sleep here if it makes you feel better.” He mumbles quietly.
“Are you sure…? Am I not bothering you? “Diluc looks hesitantly at Kaeya. He could just go back to his room and-
“You’ve bothered me enough. Just…rest. We both need it.” Kaeya sighed, all of that was suddenly making him tired, maybe he should sleep as well. He can’t manage to stay up.
Diluc blinks and lies down next to his brother, he doesn’t want to admit but he feels slightly better that Kaeya is here with him though after all of…that.
His breathing relaxed as a few of his tears drop, he can’t help but feel guilty and he couldn’t just sleep without-
“I forgive you Diluc, now please, sleep,” Kaeya said, turning down the brightness of his lamp. Diluc stayed silent and sighed, he muttered another ‘sorry’ just to ease his heart and close his eyes.
Kaeya lets out a shuddering breath before draping his duvet over him and Diluc.
After confirming Diluc had fallen fast asleep, he wiped the tears away from Diluc's cheek and softly rubs his arms. “Sleep well, Luc. I’m sorry it turned out like this.” He whispered as he too, close his eyes and waits to fall asleep.
The rain outside is still pouring heavily, maybe the weather knows how to mourn as well.