Work Text:
“Trying to be a better person is hard. I’d rather not, Caleb. Because… because if I try and I fail, I would not cope well with the results. If I allow myself to care and then fail those I care about, or they fail me, I would very much be opening myself up to pain that I could do without honestly.”
Essek turned his back and looked up at the stained glass dominating the room.
“It was easier to not care and have no one care for me,” he continued. “I used to care you know… when I was young and inexperienced. I cared for my brother. I cared for my mother. I cared for my father. But my brother never understood me and my mother didn’t love me and my father left me to die. Caring is synonymous with pain isn’t it?”
Caleb had no reply.
Essek sighed. “I learnt detachment Caleb. Detachment was essential in my life. I relied on it in my job, in den politics, in whatever social life I had, and when I chose to become a traitor to the Queen. I was so detached that none of it mattered, because nothing actually matters when it comes down to it, does it? I don’t matter, nobody matters… not really.”
Essek sighed again, then turned around and fixed Caleb with baleful frown. “So now you want me to care… and try… and put myself in this extremely vulnerable position? In this position my mistakes WILL hurt people I care about Caleb. In this position loss of these people would hurt, and inevitably there WILL be loss and I WILL be alone again and all there will be is pain. So no thank you.”
Caleb could only mirror Essek’s frown, because he couldn’t entirely disagree.
“You already made me care,” Essek pointed an accusing finger at Caleb. “You…” he then waved vaguely in the direction of the rest of the Nein, “… forced yourselves into my heart and exposed everything. You promised you cared, and then you all left me, with nothing but an… unshielded heart, forced into feeling everything… alone.” Essek’s voice was impressively calm. “I probably deserved it but… you only came back because you needed something from me.”
Caleb bowed his head.
“Now I’m risking my life for you people…” Essek’s voice now raised just slightly, making Caleb wince. “… because there is nothing else for me to do, because my life has fallen apart and all there is left is you, even though all you are is pain to me. Pain and… fear…” Essek voice wavered a touch. “… everything I worked at avoiding all this time. And I hate you all for making me love you! I don’t know who I am anymore because of you... You… you tore down my walls and without them I… I think there is very little left...”
Caleb looked up, hesitantly, through eyelashes.
“You… Caleb… you tell me how that pain and fear IS love, and is beautiful…”
Caleb nodded minutely.
“I say that is insanity,” Essek panted.
“Yes,” Caleb mouthed silently, barely able to meet Essek’s unwavering gaze.
“You reply ‘yes’, and I don’t understand... Why? Why would you live like this… willingly?” Essek’s shoulders dropped, his posture slumped. “It hurts already,” he said softly. “I’m scared Caleb. I’m scared of how much I love you all. After we save the world can I turn it off? Tell me I can turn this off.”
“No. No I don’t think you can.”
Essek sighed heavily and at length. “As I suspected. Then it is hopeless. I love you all. You most of all Caleb Widogast.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
Essek lifted his chin and floated up a few inches. “Then if this is to be my fate, what can I do but surrender to it.”
“That is a good start. Welcome to love Essek.”