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“I can’t believe we’re fucking stuck in here,” Duo muttered to himself as he gathered what little burning material he could find in front of the fireplace. It was old as hell—probably built before AC, judging by the drawings on the cast-iron panels on either side—but it seemed functional enough.
He had checked the chimney earlier and found it well-ventilated too. By that, he meant that it was full of cracks in the masonry that let the icy outside air in, much like the rest of the safe house, sure—but it let the smoke out, and that was the important point.
Duo almost regretted it. In his dark mood, he found the idea of dying of carbon monoxide poisoning after everything he had lived through quite funny.
In truth, he thought he had left safe houses of that kind behind him. The emergency-only, barely-hold-together, lost-in-the-wilderness kind. But nope, it seemed like he was wrong. Again.
For the third time, he tried to get a fire started, his hands shaking as he used his thermal knife to ignite a branch that seemed drier than the rest of the firewood he found. He cursed loudly when all he got was a thin puff of smoke.
Duo leaned back against the only piece of furniture left in the room, a battered couch that might have been red at some point in the last century. Since then, the color had faded to a muddy brown, like everything else in Duo’s field of vision.
He stared at the ceiling. He had the right to feel sorry for himself for a few seconds, right? At this hour, he should be drinking champagne, having a blast with his friends, and then he should be able to sleep in a warm, comfortable bed—but no, thanks to some fucker who couldn’t get their info straight and dropped them ten good hours of walk from their target, they were stuck here for the night, in the cold, and the only couch available wasn’t even big enough for one person.
“Try these. They’re dry,” Heero said as he dropped a pile of planks at Duo’s feet.
Duo eyed the pile. “Where did you find these?”
“Wardrobe,” Heero said before leaving the room.
Duo sighed, his breath coming out as a small cloud in the frigid air. Today was supposed to be his day. His big day. The day he and Heero would move into their new house. The day they would finally be living together. They’d share the rent, the chores, the meals. Hopefully share a bed, too.
He had dreamed of this day for months, ever since they had started this weird friends-with-occasional-benefits arrangement.
Not that either of them would refer to it as such, of course. Heero simply never mentioned it, Duo made a few jokes, and that was all there was to it. They were just friends who had fucked once or twice during the war, and once or twice since.
That didn’t stop Duo from wanting more. Hence the idea of sharing a house.
And Heero had agreed to live with him! Duo had been preparing his speech for weeks, convinced that it would be incredibly difficult to get Heero on board with the idea. Instead, Heero had said “Yes” like he just agreed to have a chicken dinner, and changed the subject. Duo hadn’t dared to ask a second time to make sure Heero really knew what he was agreeing to.
Yes.
Duo had hoped moving in together would help him turn their relationship into something… more. He didn’t know exactly what, but he knew what he wanted more of. More of the sex, naturally. For it to happen without the hormonal rush of near-death experiences would certainly be nice. More of the casual way Heero let him touch him now, more time spent with him outside of work.
More of Heero.
It was probably fine to not know exactly what he wanted. They could figure it out on the way. They had always been good at that. They’d build that bridge when they'd get to it, or however the saying went.
Instead, on the day that was supposed to be their housewarming party, they were hiding in a safe house that looked ready to crumble with the first gust of wind, and Heero was just as talkative as he had been during the war.
Duo channeled his frustration into his thermal knife as he lit one of the planks Heero had given him. High flames rose instantly, and soon he had the fireplace going, carefully placing the rest of the wood he had around the burning planks.
He was so focused on enjoying the warmth that he almost didn’t hear Heero come back and sit down next to him.
“Only thing left in the kitchen are rations from ‘97,” Heero said. Duo wondered if he was imagining the apologetic note in his tone. Probably.
“I’m amazed they aren’t from ‘95. Gimme,” he said with a shrug. He grimaced when he saw the dust on the package Heero gave him, but opened it all the same. It would hardly be the worst meal of his life. In fact, it felt oddly comfortable in its familiarity.
"We'll have to take turns keeping the fire going tonight," Duo said as he opened a can of what looked like ravioli, at least from a distance. He pushed it towards the flames.
Heero grunted in agreement. Just like the good ol' times, Duo thought.
They were sitting on the couch, their thighs and shoulders touching because of its narrowness. But Heero might as well be a thousand miles away.
Duo kept the bitterness out of his voice when he said, "That's just as well, the couch is too small for two anyway."
He expected at least some kind of answer to that, something like,"that never stopped you before". But it seemed Heero wasn't listening at all.
They ate in silence, lost in their thoughts. Watching the flames dance, Duo felt his anger at the situation recede, replaced by a sour resignation. Now that he could feel his fingers again and that his stomach was full, he began to think that this wasn't such a bad situation after all.
A small part of him was glad that he wouldn't have to talk to Heero like he had planned to do. Wouldn't have to put his heart on the line for a hypothetical shot at an actual relationship.
Until Heero opened his mouth and said, 'We're having a housewarming party after all."
Duo's head snapped towards him. "The hell do you mean by that, Yuy?" He noticed with dark satisfaction that Heero looked taken aback for once, his eyes widening in surprise.
Unfortunately, Heero still hadn't learned to keep his mouth shut when he really needed to. "We have a house and we're warming it up, aren't we?"
Duo considered punching him.
Right now, the idea was quite tempting. It would get Heero to shut up, for one thing. As a nice perk, it would finish to warm him up. Yes, very tempting indeed.
But Duo’s ankle was still smarting from their rough landing, and he knew Heero's leg was hurting him as well—it always did when it was cold and humid. A legacy of his fall from the hospital that had never quite healed.
Duo let weariness win out and turned his eyes back to the fire. "Yeah, sure."
"Duo."
Duo didn't answer or even acknowledge him. He was exhausted and Heero was getting him all worked up again. The mix never ended well in his experience. He was bound to say or do things he would regret later.
Heero either didn't notice his attempt to drop the subject or didn't care. "Why are you so upset about this? We've been in worse situations before. It's just a party. We'll do it later."
Duo sighed. "I know, okay?”
Heero was still watching him, clearly waiting for him to elaborate. Duo gave up. “I know. But it was… important. To me.” I know it’s not important to you. “I wanted it to be a new start, you know?"
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Heero tensing.
"Something new?" Heero asked. There was an edge to his voice, but damned if Duo could figure out why.
"It's not just housewarming. It's home warming. I haven't had that—a home, I mean—in a long, long time. I wanted that again." His voice dropped. "And now it feels like I'm just stuck being fifteen forever."
Silence stretched for a little until he realized he hadn't meant to say that last part out loud. "Sorry, rambling ag—"
"What do you mean by home?" Heero asked, cutting him off.
Duo looked at Heero, who had moved even closer to him. He saw the blue eyes settle on his face, inquisitive, relentless.
All of a sudden, Duo had trouble finding his voice. "Huh… I–I guess, somewhere I feel safe. Somewhere I belong?"
It was hard to put it into words, this memory of home that had almost completely faded away already. Especially since, when he thought about it, it was people he remembered, not places. He could hardly remember his bed at the orphanage (the first bed he ever had!), but whenever he thought of home, it was Sister Helen’s smile that came to his mind, her kind eyes shining as bright as ever, perfectly preserved in his memories.
How could he ever explain those feelings? He knew intimately what home felt like, but to explain it to someone else? Explain it to Heero?
And there was too much attached to it, too. Too much of his past, too much of himself. Too much he couldn't share with Heero. Because their relationship was never, had never been, like that.
Heero looked thoughtful. "Then this is housewarming. Homewarming, if you will."
"What?"
"Because this is a safe house," he said, and before Duo could throw anything at him, he added, "and you're here."
Duo froze.
No.
To Duo's horror, Heero must have felt the need to clarify further and said, "To me, that's home."
No no no. Too close, unfair. Heero can't say things like that. Their relationship isn't like that.
Duo deflected, a knee-jerk reaction to his thoughts going haywire. Heero was getting way too close and he wasn't ready for it—doubted he'd ever be, to be honest. With the ease of a lifelong habit, he summoned a suggestive smile to his face. "Heh, how about warming up your home, then? I'm kinda freezing here."
Blue eyes were still staring at him, but they darkened, and Duo felt like he was off the hook when Heero pushed him down on the couch, strong hands diving under his jacket.
He was wrong.
Heero had always felt warm to him, but this time it was as though his fingers were burning holes through Duo's skin, his touch almost painful as he removed the jacket and began working on the buttons of the shirt underneath.
Duo's breath hitched as he closed his eyes, wanting to relax but unable to. He felt Heero's breath on his neck, hot kisses pressed against sensitive skin, and shivered.
Heero's fingers reached the hem of his pants. The next thing Duo knew, he had pushed Heero off of him, knocking them both to the floor, and caught both of Heero’s hands in his own, pinning them over to the floor over Heero's head.
Heero didn't try to free himself from Duo. He stayed lying under him and just watched him, a hint of surprise and something that could be mistaken for hurt hidden in the blue depths.
Panting hard, Duo slowly let go of Heero's hands, avoiding his gaze. It had been years since he had reacted this way to someone touching him, and never to Heero. He tried to get up and put some distance between them but Heero immediately placed his fingers back on Duo's hips, rooting him to the spot.
Under any other circumstance, Duo would have relished his position on Heero's lap. Heero didn't give up control that easily.
Right now, though, it didn't feel like he had any power over the situation. It felt a lot more like they were both lying on the edge of some unfathomable abyss, and holding on to each other was the only thing keeping them safe.
Heero's fingertips made gentle circles on Duo's skin. They didn’t feel like they were burning him anymore, but rather soothing and anchoring him to the man beneath him. Duo closed his eyes and focused on the slow rhythm to get his breathing back under control.
When Heero finally spoke, his voice was barely above a whisper. "I—I thought by moving together, you wanted…"
"More?" Duo said in the same low tone.
A pause. Duo kept his eyes closed. "More." Heero's fingers slowed down, but never stopped moving. "Was I wrong?"
Duo deflated, the last of the built-up tension leaving him. His hands slowly unclenched, letting hesitant fingertips trail down on Heero's arms. "No. No, you were right. I wanted… more." He lifted his head and searched Heero's face, finding nothing but concern. "But I'm—maybe this is all I'm good at. The hiding in safe houses and running away from plans that go pear-shaped and the terrible food and the fights. Maybe I really still am the kid I was at fifteen, and that’s not what you d—"
“You were my home back then, too.”
Duo fell silent, stunned by Heero’s quiet words.
“I didn’t understand. I knew what I was feeling, but it didn’t make any sense, and I was confused by what I was feeling for the others, too. I understood why you were different when we were on the Libra, but I…” Heero’s hands tightened on Duo’s hips for a moment, as if trying to reassure himself. “I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t know what to do with it. I wanted you, and you made me want so many things, and none of it was what I was supposed to do. My desires had never been part of the equation before. So I thought I’d wait until I knew what to do.”
Heero looked away for a second. “I guess I was hoping that if I didn’t see you for a while, it would go away. But it didn’t work. I just wanted you more.” Determined blue eyes met his gaze again. “I still don’t really know what to do. But I know I want you. I want more of you, I want all of you. What you said about home… I want to give you that. I want to be your home, if, if…” His voice trailed off.
Gently, so gently, Heero raised his hands to Duo’s face, fingers never leaving his skin and eyes never looking away, as though he was scared Duo would run if he got out of his reach.
And not so many years ago, he certainly would have. But Duo wasn’t fifteen anymore.
Heero finally found his voice again. “...If you'd let me.”
Duo leaned into the warm touch. He didn’t even try to fight the sting in his eyes. “Oh, Heero. You’ve always been my home.”