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Jonathan has always been mature for his age.
It's what his mother tells him when he comes home after his part-time job, despite being only 12 years old. It's what his teachers say when he chooses to stay inside for recess to read instead of play. It's what the old women at Synogouge say, calling him an old soul because he rather sit with them than with the other boys his age.
He doesn't tell his mom that he hates his job and wishes he could just go home after school like other kids his age. He doesn't inform his teachers that the only reason he's inside is because he's too exhausted to play. He doesn't dare say to the sweet old ladies who coo at him and pinch his cheeks, that he only sits with them because he has no friends his age.
But that's just how it is.
Jonathan thinks something must be wrong with him. Everyone in his life seems to agree he's mature, but he feels so small all the time. Like dust on a cusp of wind. He feels fragile, and young on the inside, but all anyone seems to see is a mature man.
He hates it but keeps it to himself. He doesn't think people would like him as much if he acted on the outside what he feels inside. If he cried, like he wants to, whenever he bangs his elbow or knee, his mom would just be more tired out than she already is. She already has to work all the time and take care of 6-year-old Will, she doesn't have time for his dramatics.
Jonathan envies Will. Sometimes he thinks he even hates him. Will can cry when he feels like it, cling to their mom when he wants comfort, and overall be a baby even when it's inconvenient for everyone else.
When Will has a nightmare and wakes up the whole house, Jonathan wants to do nothing but shake him and yell at him.
He wants to shout at him, ' Can't you see what you're doing! When you wake mom up she is too tired in the morning, and then is late for work! Dad gets upset because she's late, and yells! And then mom's upset because he's yelling and it turns into a whole thing just because you have to be dramatic over a stupid nightmare!'
He can't say that though. Maybe he's just jealous that Will still gets to have nightmares.
He tries to sometimes, tries to do the things Will does. Somedays when he's feeling edgy, and the itch under his skin won't go away he talks non-stop. He'll sit at the breakfast table and just go on and on about everything and anything. About the comics he reads, and the music he likes. And why shouldn't he? Will talks all the time, in his unsophisticated childish blabber. At least Jonathan has important things to say.
This doesn't usually last long, because mom will give him a look, and sigh. She'll sigh like all the air in her is being pulled out, like hearing Jonathan talk is the hardest chore she has to face. She doesn't sigh like that when Will talks.
When Will chatters on and on about some drawing he's made, she sighs. She sighs like she's so content, and that nothing in the world could please her more than her youngest son's nonsensical blabber.
Sometimes, Jonathan closes his eyes and imagines those sighs are directed at him.
...
Some days, Jonathan feels like all his muscles are pulled taut. An omniscient force keeping him tense, wound up like a toy. All he does these days are cry. He use to go to Mom when this happened, but when she'd ask what was wrong and he couldn't explain it, she'd frown thinly.
"I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong, Jonathan."
Jonathon just cries,
"C'mon, tell me what's wrong, honey."
"I-I don't know!" He sobs. He doesn't know how to tell her that everything feels heavy. Like there's a boulder on his chest, and any breath he takes may be his last.
"How about you go to your room to cool off?"
Jonathan just cries.
...
Jonathan really likes comic books. It's something not a lot of people know. He use to mention it, but he didn't like the looks people would give him.
"I just thought you'd like to read something a little more adult, give your maturity. Comic books are too childish for someone like you."
When he has time, he goes to the small comic book store downtown. He takes one and sits in the corner and reads. The shop owner, an older man named Ralph lets him in exchange for him sweeping the floors every now and then.
Every time he goes, Ralph asks if he'd like to take a comic home. Jonathan's answer is always the same; he doesn't have the money. Ralph never stops asking though. Jonathan wonders if it's because he thinks one day Jonathan will have the money, or because his memory is poor.
...
There's a new teacher at school. She's subbing for Mrs. Wilson while she's out on maternity leave. She introduces herself to the class as Mrs. Andersen, but in private she tells Jonathan he can call her Lucy.
Lucy has Jonathan run special errands for her, sometimes she had him go to copy papers or borrow a projector from another room. She never asks Sarah or Justin to do it. Just him.
Lucy asks if Jonathan wants to stay after school with her. He tells her he has work. So she asks him if he wants to come in early to have breakfast with her every day. He agrees. She calls it the breakfast club.
"But we only have two people. That's not a club."
Lucy smiles, "It's a movie. Maybe one day you can come over and watch it with me."
Jonathan's never been to a teacher's house.
"Maybe."
Lucy has brown hair and green eyes. She complains sometimes about looking plain, and that's why no one wants to date her. Jonathan could use a lot of words to describe Lucy, but never plain.
Lucy and him are good friends. Jonathan thinks she's even his best friend. He thinks he loves her.
Lucy never shames him for being childish. She lets him rant about comics he likes, even though she prefers novellas. She lets him be loud and giggly. She combes his hair sometimes since his mom doesn't have time to do it. She brings him new clothes when Mom doesn't have enough money or time to replace his old tattered ones. She even buys him new sneakers! The fancy sports ones, even though she knows he doesn't do sports. She buys him comics.
Mom didn't seem to mind when he'd go early to school, but when she starts to notice all the new things he's been getting she finally asks.
"They're from Mrs. Andersen." (not Lucy, never Lucy in front of other people)
"Really? This teacher of yours seems to be getting you a lot of stuff lately."
Jonathan shrugs.
One day Lucy asks him to play a secret game with her. Jonathan agrees. The game involves a lot of touching, and it made him feel weird. Lucy seemed to like it though, so he didn't voice his complaints.
They play the game a lot after that. Sometimes it makes Jonathan feel good, but most of the time it just feels weird. Weird good, he guesses. Lucy asks him to come over to her house. He does.
Mom seemed to be painfully tolerating Lucy's gifts, and the increased amount of time Jonathan was spending with her. She blows up though when he says he's going to quit his job.
" You need that job! We need it! I can't make enough money on my own to pay the bills. What do you think keeps the lights on?"
"Mrs. Andersen says she can help pay."
"You told your teacher!?"
"She asked about why I had a job, and it just slipped out!"
"I think you're spending too much time with this woman, you're barely home."
" We're friends. Will's always at the Wheelers-"
"That's different and you know it. It's weird, she's a grown woman-"
"She's just being nice, I don't know why you have to be so dramatic!"
Mom bristles, "Dramatic? Don't say that about your mother, Jonathan!"
"Mrs. Andersen's more my mom than you've ever been-"
"She's not your family-"
"She's nice to me!"
A beat of silence.
" Fine." Mom says, her voice taut, "If you think being a mother is being nice, how about you go live with her!"
Jonathan swallowed, "Maybe I will!"
"Fine by me! One less worry in my life!"
Jonathan walks out of the house.
It's dark but he's been to Lucy's house enough times to know the way. It's cold, and his nose won't stop running, no matter how much he wipes it. When he gets to Lucy's house he knocks, and she answers. She invites him in immediately and made him hot chocolate as he tells her what happened.
She tuts, and pets Jonathan's hair the way he likes.
" I'm sorry, Jon," ( only she calls him Jon) "That sounds horrible."
"Can I stay the night? Just for the night and maybe the weekend while Mom cools off?"
"Of course. Don't worry we'll have tons of fun."
...
Just as quickly as Lucy appeared in his life, she disappears. One day Jonathan walks into school, and Mrs. Wilson is there instead of Lucy.
"Where's L- Uh, Mrs. Andersen?" He asks her.
Mrs. Wilson frowns, "Now that's not a very nice thing to say to me, especially when I was gone so long and finally returned. I expect better from you, Jonathan."
Jonathan blushes in shame, "Sorry. Uh, how was your maternity leave?"
"Oh, it was wonderful, I have a beatiful baby girl now, and...."
...
There are no more new shoes or clothes after that. No comics. Jonathan goes by Lucy's house, the house he use to always like because of the large windows, and skylight. It's for sale now. No more breakfast club, no more hot chocolates. He misses Lucy's head rubs.
Of course, Jonathan could live without all that. It's Lucy he misses most. It feels all so weird since she didn't tell him she was leaving or that her subbing time was done. He wonders if she was mad at him, or just didn't want to make him feel sad.
Jonathan feels icky. He has so many questions, and no one to answer them.
He has dreams of Lucy, uncomfortable ones. He wets the bed a few times.
"Not even Will wets the bed anymore, what's wrong with you?" Mom asks as she strips the sheets to put in the wash. Jonathan looks down at his toes in shame.
Jonathan has a hard time adjusting, now that Lucy's gone. He messes up a few times and is immature and childish when he shouldn't be. He giggles and cries, and clings to his mom. He asks her to comb his hair, and she looks at him weirdly, and asks why he can't do it himself.
"Mrs. Andersen use to comb my hair."
This isn't the right thing to say, Mom's face sours and she starts walking away.
"Why don't you ask her to do it then."
Jonathan watches her go, comb in hand. Wanting.
When Jonathan was 16, he watches his mom walk away from him again. They're practically in the middle of the street, and he's calling after her, begging her to come back as she walks away to find a son who's dead.
Even dead, Will gathers more attention than Jonathan.
Jonathan spends more time with Nancy now. It's weird, despite Will being close friends with Mike, Jonathan never really talked to Nancy until now. She's bright and smart, but overall kind. She has beautiful eyes.
She touches him, softly. She looks into his eyes, as they sit on her bed. They don't kiss, they don't talk. They hold hands.
Jonathan has sex with Nancy one night while at a weird man's house (Murphy or Murray or something)
After they finish, she asks him if this was his first time.
"Yeah," He lies.
She smiles and plays with his hair.
...
Jonathan misses Hawkins. He hates California. It's hot and dry, and he doesn't know anyone. He meets Argyle, who's a bit weird, but Jonathan guesses after what he's been through he's weird too.
Argyle smokes weed. Jonathan's never so much touched a pill in his life. His mom and Lonnie use to smoke a lot, normal cigarettes though. Jonathan hated it. He hated the smoke, and how all the furniture smelled like it. He refused when Argyle first offered him some.
He refused when Argyle offered the second time, the third time, and so on. He doesn't know if Argyle keeps forgetting his answer, or if he just really hopes he'll say yes one day. If it was the latter, Argyle got his hope.
Jonathan ends up really liking weed. The smell is not as harsh as cigarettes, and it makes him feel funny. Like he's condensed. Being crushed. It's weird but good. Good weird.
Mom doesn't like his new habits, she doesn't like how he's growing his hair out either. He thinks she thinks Argyle is a bad influence on him. She's wrong of course. Argyle is sort of a goof, but he's kind. He's not like other guys Jonathan knows. He's touchy and likes holding hands. He lets Jonathan sleep in his lap and pets his hair. He doesn't think Argyle's gay or anything. He's just touchy like that. Mom doesn't understand it.
...
When he was younger, he use to feel upset when his mom would pat Will's head, or shoulder. When she'd hug him or kiss him because he knew she thought he was too old for that.
Now he's confused because she still does that to Will, even though he is past the age Jonathan was when she'd deemed him too old.
" He's been through a trauma, Jonathan." She said when Jonathan commented on her coddling.
"You don't treat me that way, I've been through trauma."
"Not in the way he was. Don't be selfish, Jonathan. He was left alone in that horrid place for years."
Jonathan wanted to scream, 'I've been left too! I've been alone too!"
He doesn't of course, just nods.
...
He misses Nancy. He calls her a few times, but he can hear her getting distant over the phone. Maybe she thinks he's being childish, calling her every day. Clingy.
"I'm not your mom." She had said a few years ago when they first started dating. "You can't expect me to take care of your every little need."
He thinks she thinks he's acting like she's his mom again, so he calls less, so he can give her some space.
They break up. Or well, 'take a break', in Nancy's words. She says she feels like she just has to see other people, just while he's in California. She says she doesn't think she can do long distance.
" This isn't like, a break up forever. I just think we should take a short break."
Jonathan wants to say no, but he knows he can't make someone who wants to go stay. He's known for too long
"Okay"
...
Jonathan hires a prostitute. He feels shitty doing it, but he also feels too lonely not to. He drives to the part of town where women, and some men, line the streets waiting for someone to pick them up.
He ends up picking up an older woman. Brunette, green eyes, in her 30s maybe. He drives them to a motel, where he rents a room.
They both take off their clothes until Jonathan's just in his boxers and the woman in her bra and panties.
"How do you want me, sugar?" She asks as she sits on the bed, leaning back suggestively. He doesn't know if he wants her. Or at least in the way she's thinking.
"Um," He starts, looking down so his shaggy hair covers his face. He fiddles with his fingers, an old habit from when he was young.
Young . Huh. Jonathan uses the word, but he doesn't know if he's even been young. He feels young, always young. But deep down, he thinks all he's ever acted is old.
"Um, could you maybe just, uh, hold me?" He says, it all coming over in one breath. The words feel wrong, squeezed against each other, toppling over themselves. He doesn't think he's ever asked someone that.
She blinks slowly. Jonathan takes it as rejection, and backtracks.
"I'm so so sorry, I'll uh- I'll pay you whatever, and can just leave, and- and you can have the room for the night, I'm so sorry, I-"
"Calm down, sugar. It's no problem. I asked how you wanted me, if you want me to hold you, that's okay. We'll see where it goes from there."
She beckons Jonathan over, and he sits next to her. They both lie down and move around a bit until she's spooning him.
Nancy use to do this , he thinks, and regret the thought as soon as it comes.
"Jesus, sugar, you're tense, how about I loosen you up a bit?"
Jonathan doesn't say anything.
"Sugar?"
"Jon," Jonathan says quickly, "Uh, I mean, you can call me Jon. Sorry."
"Jon, huh," She says, and he can hear the smile in her voice, "Well, Jon, how about we loosen up?"
She takes her hand, guiding it down his body. She moves slowly, caressing his chest a bit, before lowering down to his stomach. He's a bit chubby there, he thinks, red shame coloring his cheeks. He wonders if that's why Nancy broke up with him, because she realized a beautiful girl like her could have a fit guy like Steve and not a fat loser like him-
He gasps. She's started caressing his groin through his boxers. He lets shaky breaths out, one after another.
"Aw, you like that?" She says. She slithers her manicured hand into his underpants and grasps his penis.
"Oh, what a pretty little cock you have. You must have all the girls over you at your college parties, don't ya?"
Jonathan squeezes his eyes shut tight, he can feel himself hardening a bit. His breathing quickens, "Um, not really," He says, his voice tight.
"Hmm? Not invited to many? That's a shame, a pretty cock like this should get out more." She said, as she slowly started to move her hand a bit.
"Um, well I'm in high school, so I don't really go to-"
"What?"
Suddenly the woman's hand retracts like she was burned. The sudden loss of stimulant has Jonathan's head reeling.
"You're in high school?" She said, her voice lower, no longer bearing the high sultry whisper rasp she had going on.
Jonathan pulls a blank, his mouth hanging open stupidly.
"Uh," He says after a second, "Yeah, but I'm 18,-"
"Christ, I can't believe I was picked up by a teenager! Shit, fuck," She stood up and walked across the room to pick up her clothes, "Look kid, I'm so-"
Jonathan cut her off, "I'm sorry, I didn't know you would be uncomfortable with that, I just-"
"No, no, I'm sorry, I should have checked. Some gals are okay with being picked up by 18-year-olds, but I'm like, 35! It feels weird hooking up with a teen, god, sorry you just look so mature I thought..." She trails off, her face tight and sour.
Jonathan feels gross.
"Look kid, I'm sorry to ruin your night but I can't do this. Keep your money, I'm sorry."
Jonathan blinks slowly, "It's okay, we can still do it! I don't care that you're older."
The woman looked at him weird, "Look, kid- Jon , I get you're okay with an older woman, but it's just weird for me. You're still a kid."
"It's not like I'm a virgin!" Jonathan says, his voice raising higher than he wants it to. He feels tears thundering behind his eyes.
She sighs, "It's not about that. I'd feel like I'm taking advantage of you."
Advantage?
"Here, kid, I'll leave you 30 bucks. Should cover the motel room. I'm sorry to ruin your night." She slaps some bills on the wardrobe, and like the wind, she's gone.
Jonathan sinks back into the bed.
It didn't make sense. Lucy was older than him, but they still did it. He doesn't get how it's different now.
Advantage
Jonathan looks done at his sad boner, it's started to go down a bit. He looks over at the desk next to him and grabs the remote.
He watches TV until he falls asleep.
...