Chapter Text
It started one afternoon. Rui had been sitting on a table and eating lunch with other acquainted classmates. He wouldn’t call them his friends, but he preferred to sit with this group to speak about their classes and projects. Currently, Rui has been dozing off wherever his mind takes him, unbothered to the conversation his classmates are talking about. His thoughts came to a halt when he found his classmates looking over at him to ask something.
“Kamishiro san, aren’t you close with that guy?”
Rui’s head perked up, “Hm?”
“Tsukasa Tenma, wasn’t that his name? He bumped into me during the 2nd period and apologized profusely and ran off.”
Another classmate spoke, “Oh him! He’s the one who acted as that farmer in the play a few months ago. He was really good!”
Rui lit up as though he were part of the conversation the whole time. “Ah, Tsukasa kun. He's spectacular, and a good friend of mine. I’m very fortunate to have him as my roommate. He’s very loud and thinks highly of himself sometimes, but when you get to know him, he’s really kind and caring. I believe he’d make a wonderful actor someday.”
The whole table went quiet. Rui couldn’t understand why they were all staring at him and it made him feel a little anxious. One of the people cracked up and broke the silence, “Kamishiro san, `I’ve never seen you speak about someone with that… look.” The other people sitting next to them nod in agreement.
“Huh? I don’t think I quite follow.” Confused, Rui tilts his head.
“Well you see, there’s a noticeable pattern where your eyes light up and your face gets pink when you ramble about something you’re interested in, but it’s never really been... someone.” They explain.
“Yeah! It’s like you even have a crush on him.” Another classmate jokes.
“Oh..” Rui laughs it off as a joke. It was just a joke after all, right? There’s no way he liked his bestest friend forever as anything other than platonic! It was completely absurd.
Oh
…
It registers in Rui's mind.
A crush
On Tsukasa Tenma.
Anxiety swells up even more in his chest.
——
[1]
“What is a crush?”
Rui finds himself googling the next day on his phone.
“crush
verb
compress or squeeze forcefully so as to break, damage, or distort in shape.”
Oh, right. Rui continued to scroll past the numerous meanings from the dictionary. “a strong feeling of romantic love for someone that is usually not expressed and does not last a long time.” Rui continues to ponder over it. A strong feeling of love that does not last a long time? Rui doesn’t even know if he thought of Tsukasa in that way. If he did, would it only last a short time as it says?
Rui sighs. It might’ve been stupid for Rui to go to google for questions like this in the first place. Perhaps asking a person was a lot better. Coincidentally, Rui heard a loud shout coming from outside his room. It was Tsukasa calling his name for dinner. Rui walked downstairs groggily to be met by the blinding sight of Tsukasa. Tsukasa was still in his adorable cat apron as he was setting down the food. He wipes off a drop of sweat off his forehead.
“Dinner’s ready!” Tsukasa beams proudly, staring at another one of his masterpieces; fried pork chop with salad and rice. Rui hums, feeling content knowing full well he’ll be avoiding the vegetables again. “And I placed a generous amount of veggies on your plate, so don’t avoid them!” Tsukasa jokingly scolded Rui. Rui sulks in his seat.
“Tsukasa kuuuun, don’t make me eat all these horrid greens. It’s treacherous enough seeing it.”
“Come on Rui, I made this salad with love.” Tsukasa makes a disappointed look that could convince Rui to down the whole plate of salad in one go. “Fine, anyways let’s eat!”
“Thank you for the food!” Tsukasa picked up his spoon and fork and inhaled all the food he cooked. Rui couldn’t find it in himself to eat everything on his plate just yet. Perhaps he could ask Tsukasa about his current problem? Will he get suspicious?
“Tsukasa kun….”
“Hm? Rui? Is there something bothering you?!”
“Fufu~ no not at all, I was just wondering about something.”
“What is it?”
“Well… how do I put this…. Tsukasa-kun, do you know what crushing people is?” Oh. That didn’t come out exactly as Rui planned to.
“WH-HWAT?! ARE YOU PLANNING TO CRUSH ME?” Not exactly, more of deciding if Rui has been crushing on you. But Rui imagines Tsukasa being crushed in a hydraulic press machine anyways.
“I mean, we could consider–” Rui shakes his head. “Nevermind, not now, let me rephrase that.” Rui clears his throat. “What is a crush?”
Tsukasa looked even more speechless than he was earlier. “R-rui, is this a joke?”
Rui pouts, unable to fathom why Tsukasa’s uncertain about Rui’s sincerity. “I’m serioouus, O’ Tsukasa the great, lend me thy wisdom as a reward of one’s faith.”
“Okay okay I get it!” Tsukasa chuckles softly. A nice and pretty laugh. “A crush you say? I think a crush is someone who makes you feel good around with. Like, the thought of seeing them excites you and the feeling explodes out of your chest, you know!”
A few boxes tick in Rui’s head. Rui’s always been excited to see Tsukasa and talk with him over dinner everyday. The two of them would chat about the shenanigans of their own lives or reminisce on the past of their old troupe, Wonderland x Showtime. Whenever they do, Rui feels warm and comforted, but at the same time, his heart feels like jumping out of his chest from excitement. Maybe–
Tsukasa waves a hand in front of Rui and wakes him up from his short daze. “Uhh Rui? I’m starting to get concerned. You barely touched your plate and you’ve been swaying and swinging your feet up and down this whole time. I mean you do that often, but still! And now you’re asking me weird questions…. wait– do you like anybody by any chance?!” Ah, that took him quite a bit to figure out. Of course Rui couldn’t tell Tsukasa it was (potentially) him. He had to tell Tsukasa a white lie for his sake.
“Fufu~ of course not, just curious for a friend.” Tsukasa eyes him but seems to shake it off.
“Haha! Alright. If you ask me, I know a great amount of knowledge about the field of romance, feeling and experiencing it first hand as well.” Tsukasa beams proudly before realizing. “I-I MEAN. I’VE EXPERIENCED IT ALL FIRST HAND IN MANGA.. READING. YES.” Tsukasa’s face flushes a deeper shade of pink than the tips of his hair.
Rui barely ever got to see flustered Tsukasa in his life, but whenever he could, he intakes it like a breath of fresh air. Rui notices every detail about Tsukasa that he could. He knows the stars in his eyes, the subtle but noticeable freckles dotted similar to constellations Rui could count, the genuine smile he makes when Rui tells a joke. Rui could go on and on, but instead he’ll curse himself because he understands the look Tsukasa’s making in front of him.
Tsukasa definitely likes someone.
—-
[2]
Rui decides to panic call Mizuki. They pick up the phone immediately.
“Hehe, Akiyama Mizuki speaking, How may I be of service?” Rui can hear a smug grin from the other side of the line.
“Hey Mizuki, how are you?”
“I’m doing great! Kanade allowed me to take her to the mall yesterday for once and we had a blast!”
Rui smiles to himself. “I’m glad you had fun Mizuki”
“Haha! I don’t think I can say the same thing about you, Rui. Is there something wrong? You wouldn't call me at this hour again for nothing” Rui checks the time. It reads: 2:54 AM. Huh, it was that late already?
Rui laughs nervously. “You got me. Usually on any other day I’d genuinely call to check up on you but… I’ve had this recent dilemma that’s been bothering me.”
“Oh? Spill.”
“Is it normal for your best friend to make you bentos everyday? Is it normal to want to hold your best friend’s hand all the time? Is it okay for me to stare at him and get lost in my own thoughts?”
“Woah woah wait. You called me at this hour to ask if you like your best friend?”
Rui’s face grew warm. “To put it simply…. Yes, I’m trying to figure things out.”
“Figure out what?”
“Whether or not I have a crush on Tsukasa kun.”
Rui somehow heard Mizuki blink her eyes, “Wait, I thought you two already had something going on?”
“What”
“I don’t know! The whole “And they were roommates thing” was suspicious. I was hoping there was already some sort of established relationship.” Mizuki speaks in their ao3 terminology.
Rui laughs, embarrassed. “I don’t know if I like Tsukasa kun in that way, and even if I did, I don’t think he’d reciprocate.”
“WHAT.” And Mizuki goes on a whole discussion on how “in-denial” he was or something yaddayadda yeah Rui stopped listening.
“Mizuki, What do you think is a crush?” Rui interrupts her.
“Huh? A crush? Huhu~, I think it’s someone you adore! It differs for each person for how much you like them. They’re a tad more special than your regular friend though. You also feel a strong feeling for them that makes you smile and feel happy all the time, you can never stop thinking about them.”
A response not too different from Tsukasa’s. Rui’s slowly being able to figure things out.
He does in fact see Tsukasa differently from his other friends. Tsukasa makes him feel happy. The many things he sees everyday that reminds him of Tsukasa as though he were a disease in his brain that Rui didn’t want to be cured. All the stars hung as decorations every time he passed by a store on his way to the university, the spotlights in the auditorium that illuminate the dark and flash at the center, the sunflowers in the garden by the apartment, they all reminded him of Tsukasa.
Perhaps he did have a crush on Tsukasa.
Mizuki adds, “But I do think that being in love has a deeper connection and trust than just a small puppy crush.” Nevermind, Rui is stuck.
——
[3]
This time, it was another friend of Rui’s that reached out first.
Rui works on another project of his. It was smaller compared to his other extravagant ones and not as difficult as his upcoming plans on their next show. Their next show is required by the college as their next show and not for Wonderland x Showtime. Rui finds it hard to believe how far he’s made it in with everything. How far he’s come to graduating from High School and making so many enjoyable friends throughout. In all honesty, college hasn't been the nicest to him with all the work piled on him. But as he said, he was fortunate enough to live in the same dorm and go to the same college as Tsukasa because it had both an acting and a directing department.
He’s always had Tsukasa to help listen to whatever troubles he was facing. When he was busy, he could also give Emu or Nene a call. Speaking of Nene…
Incoming Call
Nene 🐈🤖
Hm? Rui answers the call.
Rui hears Nene’s breath hitch from the other side of the phone. “Nene?” Rui tries to call for his childhood friend.
“Hi Rui, it’s nice to hear from you again.” Nene says softly.
“It’s nice to hear from you as well, Nene. Why the sudden call?” Rui voiced with concern.
“I uhh… figured you’d be the only other one up at this time.” Rui checks the time. It’s only 12:09 PM, not too late. He gets a sense of deja vu from the last call he had with Mizuki. It wasn’t too long ago, wasn’t it? “You’re the only one I could talk to right now.” Nene mumbles, audible enough for Rui to hear.
“Oh? What about Emu?”
“Emu’s… not feeling well right now. Her father’s been burdening her again with threats of getting rid of the wonderstage if we can’t pay enough again. But I’m sure we’ll be able to earn enough money before the deadline is due…” Nene clicks her tongue, irritated at Emu’s father.
“…” Rui doesn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry” for not being of any help when you guys are struggling. I don’t know what I’d do if Wonderstage were to be destroyed without me knowing and ruining Emu’s memories and hard work.-- These words remain unsaid.
“Huh, what for? There’s no need to apologize, silly. You being here to listen is enough.”
Rui hums in response.
“Anyways I… called you because me and Emu decided to give space between us for the meantime. She’s conflicted whether or not she could stand up to her father.” Emu and Nene? Distancing themselves from each other? What was going on? The last time Rui saw those two they were inseparable.
“Wouldn’t it be easier if you were there for her?” Rui suggests honestly.
Nene sighs. “Yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry I honestly don’t know what I’m doing.” Nene feels vulnerable and Rui knows what it’s like.
“It’s alright. You’ve been there for me even after we distanced ourselves from each other and I trust you enough to talk with Emu. ”
“Th-thanks. Rui.”
The two were stuck silent, followed by the quiet ticking sounds of his clock before Nene breaks the silence.
“Hey Rui, I’m sorry I’ve been talking about myself this whole time. How are you and Tsukasa? Do you have any troubles right now?”
Rui thinks back to when he was still having a crisis over whether or not he liked Tsukasa (and the other fact that Tsukasa does like someone else.) Now this crisis has developed into how much he liked Tsukasa.
“Nene, what is a crush to you?”
“Where’s this coming from…?” Nene sounded tired.
“Just, could you answer this for me please?”
“Rui, I’m worried now. I should’ve asked you if you were fine earlier, and now you’re asking me what a crush is? I thought we all leave that dumb label back in High school eventually?” Ouch. “It’s… I don’t think it’s something significant in our lives,”
Rui teases, “Fufu~ Do you think this way because of that one time you never got the attention of the pretty girl from the arcade?”
“Shut up.” Rui laughs as Nene glares daggers at him through the phone.
“Well, if you don’t believe in crushes, how did you realize your feelings for Emu?”
Nene pauses to think.
“I don’t know. All of a sudden, Emu was the one in front of me. Being around her made me feel light and easy. Something about her presence made me want to be with her all the time. A-although if I’m being honest, I don’t know if she wants me around her right now.” Nene’s voice cracks at the end.
“Don’t say that, I’m sure Emu would love being around you too. The last thing that would ever happen in this world is for Emu to hate you. You can always talk to her.” Rui smiles, even if to no one in the room but himself.
“Thanks. Thank you. Thank you so much, Rui.” And Nene means it. “You know, I think you could talk with Tsukasa too about your feelings for him. The last thing he’d do about it is hate you as well.”
“What”
“Come on Rui, you aren’t the sneakiest cat you think you are. It’s so obvious you idiots have a thing going on.” Why does everyone say that? Rui’s face grows warm.
“H-how have you known?”
“I don’t know, maybe it’s because you’ve literally been in love with him since highschool?” Nene says sarcastically. In love. ? Has it really been this long?
——
[+1]
Rui happens to be alone in his room once again. This time, the workload tripled from before. Since it was nearing the end of their first quarter, all the students were piled with endless work at this time and Rui had no time to waste. Rui had been diligently working and studying the matters he needed to know. The metal clanking of his tools, the silent ticking of the clock, and the tapping noises of his pen fills the room’s unnerving silence.
Rui feels…. Disappointed? Not of the many work he’s been forced to cram in such a scanty amount of time (but partially yes). Rather, because of how Rui couldn’t eat with Tsukasa tonight. He was stuck holeing himself in his room until the sun rose. Rui knows Tsukasa has been busy with his own work as well, so it’s best not to bother him while he works hard to fulfill his dreams.
Yet the silence was still daunting. The four of them believed in achieving their dreams. Nene and Tsukasa dreamed of being actors one day and shine on stage, Rui dreamed of directing shows and bringing out the best in everyone, Emu wants to help everyone with her positive and fun energy. But all of them had the same goal; create lively bright shows that bring happiness to all!
Still, having the same goal didn’t necessarily mean they would all end up on the same path. Rui himself doesn’t know how he accepted the disbandment of Wonderland x Showtime—
No, they had not disbanded yet. Rui and Tsukasa still kept in touch with Nene and Emu, so surely they could find spare free time to work on another fun show! But soon, he and Tsukasa would have to graduate. Perhaps Tsukasa would consider leaving the country to hone his acting skills despite leaving everyone. Nene would continue to pursue her dreams as well. What if— Emu would join her too?
What of Rui? Rui recalls all the times he had spent alone with no one to rely on and talk to. No one to feel comfortable with. No place to call home.
Rui was unable to breathe, as though a tiny weak pebble was able to clog his throat and leave him helpless. A hole in his stomach and the drumming of his heart. The teardrops continuously dripped down to the table. He tried to wipe away the tears, but it just kept falling. Why was he having a panic attack at a time like this? Rui thought.
“Rui? Dinner’s ready. I’ll bring it over to you” A voice coming from the door that Rui knows oh-so-well. The reason why he refuses to meet the star’s eyes and show himself. Rui crumples on his desk to hide his face. “Rui…? I’m coming in.” Please don’t. The door creaks open.
It was simple, all Rui had to do was to pretend he was asleep. Unfortunately, he chokes on a sob, letting it be known to Tsukasa that he was, in fact, feeling like shit.
Rui hears a sound of something dropping to the floor, whatever item was never made Rui care. He feels the presence of Tsukasa drop beside him.
“Rui…” Tsukasa trailed off, his tone is more soft and hushed, contrasting to his normal loud booming voice. “What’s wrong?”
And Rui finally looks up to see Tsukasa who was crouched beside him. His eyes filled with worry, making Rui sob even more.
“Why… don’t see me… like this.” Rui mustered himself to say.
Tsukasa shushes him, “Rui, everything is okay. Breathe with me.” Tsukasa inhales and exhales slowly for Rui to follow.
“I don’t… don’t…” hic “don’t leave me.” Rui pulls Tsukasa in a tight embrace and holds on to him as though it were for his dear life.
“I won’t leave you.” Tsukasa leans in the embrace and rubs circles around Rui’s back. He sobs even harder as the wetness of his tears stained Tsukasa’s sweater.
Rui soaks in the feeling and the words Tsukasa had just said. “I won’t leave you.” He says as though it were a promise. Rui believes Tsukasa would break it one day, he always has. And yet here he was, relishing in the warmth of Tsukasa, resting his head on Tsukasa’s now-tear-stained sweater and messing with the golden soft hair Tsukasa spent styling everyday for hours. They stay like this for what seemed like eternity, till
Rui laughs a little at himself, “Oh, how inelegant of me to delay you from your work. It’s been a hectic week hasn’t it?” Rui’s demeanor shifted instantly as though he weren’t a living weeping puddle earlier.
“It wasn’t inelegant at all.” Tsukasa tucks a few strands of hair behind Rui’s ear. Rui’s breathing comes to a halt. “You don’t have to worry about it. After all, you’re always there for me when I’m having my bad days as well. Whatever’s bothering you, don’t be afraid of telling me!” Tsukasa flashes a bright smile.
Rui doesn’t know how a mere smile could be so… intense. Many words bubbled up in Rui’d brain, but if he were to pick 3 words from the top of his head, it would be ethereal, sincere, and beautiful. The sincerity of Tsukasa’s words and his smile made Rui feel loved. Tsukasa is the sunshine after Rui’s storm of hurt.
Rui feels calmer. Not calm but calmer than before. “I’m afraid that everyone in our troupe would leave me one day in hopes to achieve our dreams. Though I’d love to achieve my dreams as much as you all…” And Rui allows his childish wants to take over him, “I can’t let us all part ways as we were all meant to.”
The tears blurred his eyes into a daze. Rui’s head ached and his nose became runny.
It was silent for a minute. Tsukasa stared off into the distance to think of what to say. “I… feel the same way. I try my best to keep the memories of all the fun we’ve had close to me, I don’t know how I’d be able to live with myself if I forget it all. but, as the leader of Wonderland x Showtime, I’m proud of everyone for what we’ve done so far, and I’m also proud of you, Rui. You’ve been here for me all this time, and we’ve made it this far! I can’t be any happier to have you as my bestest friend.”
Rui comes with an epiphany.
Rui absolutely did not have a crush on Tsukasa. It was humanly impossible for him to feel that way towards the star. He absolutely did not and would never like Tsukasa this way.
Although, the way he listened to everything Tsukasa rambled about made everyone think otherwise. Along with the adoring stares and the “unconscious” hand holding. It probably wasn’t normal to think your best friend is the prettiest human on Earth.
So, Rui came up with a final conclusion. He didn’t have a crush on Tsukasa. He was madly in love with him. Rui doubts he would ever be able to get over Tsukasa in his whole life. In fact, he’ll just spend the biggest portion of his life loving Tsukasa.
Rui knew how terrible it was. I mean, is it lucky or unlucky to have fallen in love with your bestfriend-and-now-roommate? Rui doesn’t know, but what he does know is how Tsukasa did like someone else… romantically. Ouch. A major stab to the heart.
Rui doesn’t ever want to think of the idea of Tsukasa being in love with someone else. Wasn’t that selfish of him? Would Rui end up losing Tsukasa over the feelings he held for him?
Call Rui selfish as much as you please, but when Tsukasa offers to cuddle with him for the rest of the night, Rui indulges himself and holds Tsukasa as tight as he could. The coldness of Rui’s body was comforted by the gentle and soft warmth of Tsukasa. Rui rested his head on Tsukasa’s chest as Tsukasa whispered soothing words incomprehensible for a worn out Rui.