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Ivy and Harley’s relationship had never been better. Sure, Ivy initially worried about what would happen when she took over the new Legion of Doom and Harley joined the Bat Family, but those worries quickly became a thing of the past. She and Harley might be pursuing different goals in different ways, but that didn’t stop them from loving each other.
Ivy only had to flick on the television once and be surprised to find Harley on screen, kicking The Riddler’s henchmen into the next century, to decide that she enjoyed this new side of Harleen Quinzel. The media praised her. The people of Gotham loved her - and they damn well should. She was incredible, and it was about time everyone else saw it.
But Harley finally receiving the recognition that she deserved was far from the only reason why Ivy embraced their new dynamic. Ivy worked alone for the most part, either experimenting in her lab at the Legion of Doom’s new headquarters or issuing orders to the various villains under her employ. Harley worked on the streets, reacting to Ivy’s directives only to come home and praise her for her intellect and cunning.
It was like playing a game of chess against a worthy opponent - the two of them working together and apart yet always finding their way back into their shared bed at night. Oh, and the sex was incredible. It had been pretty amazing, but now it regularly maxed out on the mind-blowing scale of pleasure.
There was just one itsy, bitsy, teeny , tiny problem. A fly in the ointment. A sour note in the chorus. A thorn in Ivy’s side.
Batgirl.
See…while Ivy worked alone, coming up with plans and schemes that she knew her dear Harls would respond to, Harley worked with Batgirl.
Bane’s goons blew up several ‘male enhancement’ stores throughout Gotham? Harley and Batgirl to the rescue. Joker unleashed some obscene chemical that made people grow tails? Harley and Batgirl saved the day. A giant tree of life sprouted in the center of Gotham’s park? Well, Harley responded to that alone and spent the next week gushing to Ivy about how incredible it was.
Regardless. Anytime something bad happened and people needed saving, Harley saved the day. With Batgirl.
Their game of chess had two opponents on one side of the board. Or one opponent and one desperate hanger-on who just had to always be there.
It only got worse when they started training together (ugh), and hanging out together (double ugh). Ivy finally decided that she’d had enough when she turned on the evening news, ready to watch her Harleen kick some serious ass, only to see Batgirl use a grappling hook to launch Harley into a crowd of goons like some pink-and-blue, hysterically laughing rocket.
Then Ivy got to watch Harley kick ass, but the damage had already been done. Ivy already had her phone in her hand, making a few calls to set a plan in motion. Which brought her to this moment…with Harley’s eyes shimmering with tears, an angry red cut on her cheek, and a baseball bat clutched in her very strong grip.
“They took her, Ives! They kidnapped Batgirl!”
For as smart as Ivy claimed to be, she had dumbly thought that this would be a nonissue. That Batgirl could disappear and their lives would continue like normal, or become even better. That Harley wouldn't even blink at the loss of a…coworker.
Unfortunately, that was a miscalculation on Ivy’s part. Which was why, when Harley said, “I need your help, Ives. We’ve got to save her!” Ivy found herself nodding, willing to do anything to make Harley’s tears go away.
“Let’s fuck up those shitheads,” she even said, earning a radiant grin and searing kiss before Harley pulled her out of the apartment.
She didn’t mention that she was the ‘shithead’ who had Batgirl kidnapped. That would just come up later sometime, when the mood was right and Harley wasn’t so distraught. Or maybe it didn’t have to come up at all if Ivy reworked her original plan on the fly...
“Ok, start from the beginning,” Ivy said while Harley dragged her outside. “You and Batgirl were out patrolling and -?”
“And we ran into some of Two-Face’s goons!” Harley pointed her bat across the street while tugging Ivy in that direction. “Right over here. They were all kinds of fucked up, Ives. Someone else must’ve got to them first.”
“So you…?”
“I wanted to beat the shit out of them again. Drive the point home, ya know?” Ivy smiled at the typical Harley response as they crossed the street. “But Batgirl said we should just tie ‘em up and let the police take ‘em.”
“Wow. She sounds so boring, Harls. Maybe whoever’s behind this did you a favor. Now you can get a better partner or, you know, work alone.”
“What? No, Batgirl’s cool! She’s just all morally grounded or whatever.”
Harley waved off Ivy’s suggestion before pointing her bat at an alleyway that looked like the scene of a nuclear explosion.
“It was right here! Two-Face’s guys are laying around here, and we’re tying ‘em up when bam!” Ivy flinched when Harley slammed her bat into the metal dumpster with a reverberating clang. “New guys jump us out of nowhere! There must’ve been six, maybe seven - all fighting like we stole their lunch money or something. So we start kicking their asses like -”
Harley did an effortless backflip before swinging her bat with frightening velocity, then leaping in the air and kicking some imaginary goon’s chest so forcefully that his ribs must have broken.
“Then this guy pulled a knife -” Harley narrated while pointing to the spot where the knife-wielding idiot must have been.
“Is that the one who cut you?” Ivy interrupted. Harley nodded before ducking beneath a fictitious attack and raising her hands to protect her face. As impressed as Ivy was that Harley could perfectly reenact the fight, she gently grabbed Harley’s wrist to stop her. “What’d he look like?”
“Big guy!” Harley raised one hand high above her head. “All muscles, no aim.”
“But what did he look like?” Ivy pressed. “I need a description.”
“Standard piece of shit thug. Brown hair, crew cut, black shirt.”
Sounds like Steve, Ivy thought to herself while Harley shrugged off her attacker and wiped at the cut on her cheek, which had thankfully stopped bleeding.
“Then this asshole insulted you! To my face!! Said you weren’t strong enough to lead the Legion of Doom.” Harley clenched her fists and jaw before jabbing her bat at a bloody indentation in the brick building. “So I used his head to break a hole in the wall right there. No one talks about my girlfriend like that.”
“Awe, babe…that’s so sweet.”
Ivy smiled and kissed Harley’s cheek, her heart swelling with adoration for the considerate gesture, and Harley briefly melted like a puppy getting a belly rub before returning to her story.
“But while I did that, the other guys grabbed Batgirl and took off!” Harley threw her arms up in the air and groaned. “UGH! I’m the worst friend ever!”
“What? Honey, no. You’re a great friend.”
“Oh yeah? What kind of friend lets their friend get kidnapped right behind them?”
When Harley’s bottom lip stuck out, Ivy grabbed her hands and squeezed them.
“These things happen. That doesn’t make you a bad friend. Know how I know that?”
“No…” Harley mumbled, fully pouting now.
“Because you’re such a great friend that I fell madly in love with you. That’s pretty fucking great, right?”
Harley’s pout finally relented, and her smile sent a breath of fresh air rushing through Ivy’s lungs.
“That is pretty fucking great,” Harley agreed, nearly blinding Ivy with that smile before puffing out a breath. “But still! I wasn’t paying attention and now Batgirl’s missing.”
“And we’re going to find her, peanut. Don’t worry.” Ivy paired the assurance with a soft kiss on Harley’s forehead, internally wondering how in the hell she was going to work her way out of this predicament. “We should split up so we can cover more ground,” she eventually suggested. “Why don’t you check down by the docks and I’ll head uptown?”
“You’re so smart, Ives. I knew I could count on you.”
As if Ivy’s heart couldn't melt any faster, Harley grabbed her hands and leaned in for a loving kiss. That kiss reminded her of everything she would do for Harley - which was perhaps a few too many things - while she drank in Harley’s lips like a castaway dying of thirst. Once Harley pulled away, beaming now that they had a plan, Ivy knew that she would do whatever it took to make this right.
“I’ll call you as soon as I find something!” Harley added. She waved, then jumped and giggled when Ivy patted her butt as she jogged off. Ivy chuckled to herself and watched Harley’s lithe yet muscular frame carry her off on her mission. Only when Harley disappeared around the next corner did Ivy take a deep breath and hurry to Legion of Doom headquarters.
The new Legion of Doom was uptown, so she was technically doing what she told Harley she would do. She just wasn’t searching for Batgirl as much as knowing exactly where to find her. And she wasn’t concerned about Batgirl’s well-being as much as worried about the security of her and Harley’s relationship.
When the building came into view, she walked a little faster. Rather than a stark, monolithic pile of steel and concrete, the rebuilt Legion of Doom was a fusion of technology and nature. Vines and exotic flowers climbed up the exterior, reaching skyward with nothing blocking their access to the life-giving sun. The courtyard had been reimagined as a tropical paradise, complete with towering trees, a thriving garden, plentiful water features, and vibrant plants.
Passing through the courtyard, she took a deep breath of sweet, clean air. Flowers bloomed in her wake, adding splashes of color to a serene atmosphere in sharp contrast with her inner turmoil. The glass front doors slid open as she approached, welcoming her to an elegant lobby filled with natural light and foliage-adorned walls.
“Send Steve to my office,” she told the receptionist before stepping into the elevator and pressing the button to send her skyward. Moments later, she emerged on the floor devoted solely to her experiments. Every piece of lab equipment she could dream of had its decided space, and some of the rarest and most expensive chemicals in the world waited in a glass vault covering an entire wall.
“Frank,” she called out, startling the plant hybrid from his slumber.
“ - but officer!” Frank shouted before shaking his head and wiping his vines across his head. “Ivy? What’re you all uptight for?”
“I might have made a little mistake.”
She stopped at her desk to check footage from the security cameras located around the tower. After checking the various holding cells several floors below and finding Batgirl in one of them, she sighed.
“Remember when I told you that Batgirl’s been bothering me lately?” she asked while Frank hopped over to her. “Well…”
She waved to the screen, which Frank glanced at before laughing.
“You kidnapped her?”
“I didn’t kidnap her,” she argued. “I just…hired other people to do it.”
Frank kept laughing and shook his head.
“Girl, that shade of green does not look great on you.”
“Yes, I know, thank you.” Ivy locked her computer and blew out a big breath. “First thing’s first though - getting rid of the moron who hurt Harley.”
“Someone hurt Harley??”
On cue, the elevator softly announced someone’s arrival. Ivy crossed her arms over her chest as a beefy thug with a brown crew cut and a black shirt stepped into the room.
“Hey Steve,” she said while he walked over to her. “Remember when I explicitly said don’t hurt a hair on Harley’s head?”
“But I didn’t!”
“Frank,” Ivy said, so Frank snapped forward and swallowed the goon - and all of his useless excuses - whole. After several seconds, Frank belched and held his hands over his pot.
“Ugh. He tasted like chewing gum on the subway.”
“How would you -?” Ivy stopped and shook her head. “Never mind. Now that he’s gone -”
She paused when the elevator announced someone else’s arrival, and another goon who looked almost exactly like Steve stepped off.
“Yo, Ivy. You seen Steve?”
She frowned at his brown hair and black shirt before sighing and saying, “You know what, eat him too.” His eyes hardly widened before he disappeared in Frank’s gaping jaws, swallowed in a heartbeat. She waited for Frank to finish his meal before crossing that item off of her list.
“Ok, now that he’s gone, we can figure out a plan.”
“‘We??’” Frank asked while following Ivy into the elevator. “Since when am I a part of this??”
“Since when aren’t you, you gross gum eating pothead.”
“Do you mean ‘gross-gum eating pothead’ or ‘gross, gum-eating pothead?’”
Ivy rolled her eyes and jabbed the button for the tenth floor, where various cells were used for holding prisoners or uncooperative allies somewhat against their will. She hardly came down here - she mostly stuck to her lab developing serums or new plant hybrids - which explained the relative lack of greenery. She would decorate later though. Right now, she breezed past several empty cells before entering Batgirl’s temporary room.
The sedative she gave to her hired goons was doing its job of keeping Batgirl in a state of semi-consciousness that made her much easier to capture. Ivy briefly considered leaving her in that state until this situation resolved itself, but there was a moderate chance of the chemical causing irreparable brain damage. This morning, she might have accepted the risk. Now, she tapped several buttons on the panel in front of the thick glass window and watched as a puff of the antidote filled the room. The gas worked quickly, entering Batgirl’s bloodstream and returning her consciousness with flickering eyes and slight twitches of her fingers.
“Rise and shine, baby bat!”
Frank rapped on the glass with both fists, startling Batgirl from her semi-slumber and snapping her fledgling focus to them.
“I-Ivy?” She blinked and looked around the room. “What am I -? Where am I?”
“You’re at Legion of Doom headquarters,” Ivy answered. “Congratulations. I’m sure you’ve always wanted to visit.”
“But why -? Wait. Did you kidnap me??”
“‘Kidnap’ is a strong word. I prefer ‘professionally borrowed.’”
“‘Professionally borrowed?’ What the hell, Ivy -” Batgirl gingerly stood up and touched the back of her head, flinching slightly but otherwise looking none the worse for wear. “Does Harley know?” she demanded, and Ivy swallowed a small spike of worry.
“Again, ‘know’ is a strong word,” she replied with a flippant wave of one hand. “Could she have an inkling? Perhaps. Or maybe she has no idea. That would also be very on brand for her.”
Batgirl stared at Ivy, her mouth set in a frown and her eyes narrowed, before bluntly saying, “She’s going to kill you.”
“‘Kill me?’” Ivy chuckled nervously. “Harley would never kill me. Be so disappointed and hurt that she breaks up with me, ending the best thing in my life and the only reason I have to live, maybe -” Ivy froze as that horrible realization sank in, sending very real fear through her veins. “Oh god,” she said while turning away. “Shit, Frank! Why’d you let me do this??”
“‘Let you??’ Girl, when’s the last time you took my advice? You’re just as bad as Harley!”
“Harley is perfect - don’t ever suggest otherwise.” When Frank rolled his eyes, Ivy ran her hands through her hair and paced in front of the holding cell. “Ok,” she said, trying not to panic. “Ok, ok, ok. We just need to come up with a plan. A plan that doesn’t upset Harley.”
“You could just…let me go?” Batgirl suggested, but Ivy scoffed.
“I don’t think so. Then you’ll just tell her what happened.”
“I promise I won’t say anything!”
Ivy narrowed her eyes at Batgirl, who flashed an innocent smile.
“Don’t trust that cherub face!” Frank cut in. “I’ve seen fuckers get cut by that face!”
“You know what…” Ivy said, keeping her eyes on Batgirl while pointing to Frank. “I’m listening to you this time.”
Batgirl sighed and threw her hands in the air while Ivy tapped her chin and tried to focus. Letting Batgirl go wasn’t an option - she would tell Harley and probably cast Ivy in a very unfavorable light. Keeping her here wasn’t a great idea either - Harley would eventually stumble across her. She could be moved to another location, far from Gotham, but Ivy didn't want to be in charge of feeding and watering her, and eventually she would either need to be released or perish.
“Got it,” Ivy said, snapping her fingers. “I’ll develop a serum that erases your memory. Then you can’t tell Harley because there’ll be nothing to tell.” She paused and tapped her chin while thinking through the logistics of such a potion. “I could erase all of your memories…” she mused as chemical compounds arranged themselves in her mind. “Then you’d still be alive, but you wouldn't be clinging to Harley all the time.”
“What?!”
“Love it!” Frank declared. “That’s so evil and petty, Ivy. You got this villain thing on lock.”
“I kind of do, don’t I.”
Ivy smirked and accepted Frank’s high-five. Before she could return to her lab and begin work on her new plan, however, her phone rang.
“Oh, hold on, it’s Harley.” Before answering, she pointed at Batgirl. “Make a noise and you’ll be Frank-food.” Once Batgirl’s eyes widened, Ivy turned away from the cell and answered. “Hey, peanut. How’s the search going?”
“I found a lead!”
“You did?? I mean, of course you did! Great work, Harls!”
“Thanks, Ive. Meet me at Mama Macaroni in five!”
“Be right there.” Ivy hung up, sighed, and said, “Ok, I gotta go.”
“What about me?” Batgirl whined.
“You just…stay here. Watch some cartoons or something.”
“I’m not a kid!”
“Could’ve fooled me,” Ivy quipped before turning to Frank. “Keep an eye on her until I get back.”
“Got it!”
Satisfied, Ivy hurried out of Legion of Doom Headquarters. She couldn't imagine what lead Harley found so fast, but she should have known better than to underestimate Harley’s ability. When Harley put her mind to something - really, truly put her mind to something - she would accomplish it. Unfortunately for Ivy, she had apparently put her mind to rescuing Batgirl.
This was potentially very bad, but Ivy forced herself to remain calm as she rushed to Mama Macaroni’s. She spotted Harley from blocks away, those blue and pink pigtails drawing her eye like nothing else could.
“Hey Harls,” she said, slightly breathless as she met Harley outside the restaurant. “What’re we doing here?”
“Oh, I got hungry. Who knew this detective stuff would be so much work!” Harley dramatically wiped an arm across her brow before holding up a hunk of bread smothered in cheese, butter, and garlic. “Garlic knot?”
“Fuckkk, you’re a genius, Harls.” Ivy took a big bite and groaned. “These are so fucking good. I could eat like twenty of them.”
“Knock yourself out!”
When Harley held up a bag bursting with garlic knots, the paper bottom practically soaked through with melted butter, Ivy kissed Harley’s cheek and grabbed a second one.
“So what’d you find?” she asked before taking another big bite.
“A lead!” Harley licked off her fingers before stepping on the end of her bat, seamlessly flipping it off the ground and into her hand. “I talked to King Shark, who said Clayface overheard some theater dorks whispering about a group of goons bragging about some guys -”
“Oh my god, Harls…spit it out.”
“Batgirl’s being held at Legion of Doom!”
Harley struck a pose and pointed her bat at the towering building in the distance.
“Whaaat?” Suddenly not hungry, Ivy nervously chuckled and waved off the suggestion. “God, who would ever think that?”
“Everyone, apparently. And it’s perfect because we already have an in.” Harley grinned and nudged Ivy’s arm. “I mean you, Ives. Since you’re -”
“Yeah, yeah, I got it.” As the situation went from worse to just about as bad as something could get, Ivy took a deep breath and forced a smile. “Then Legion of Doom, here we come!”
“Hell yeah!”
Harley punched her bat in the air, kissed Ivy, then dragged Ivy back to the skyscraper.
“I should’ve known one of these assholes took her,” Harley vented on the way, her brow furrowed and her knuckles white around her bat. “They’re in there being all evil and bad - I’ll show ‘em who’s bad!”
“But I’m not bad, right?”
Harley stopped and turned to Ivy, then smiled so adoringly that Ivy’s heart fluttered.
“Of course not, Ives. I love you more than anything.” Harley pressed a kiss to Ivy’s lips before turning back to her quest. “Besides,” she added. “You’d never do something like this!”
“Right. Obviously. This is, like, way beneath me. I’m just trying to, you know, terraform and stuff…”
Ivy trailed off as they approached the front door, hoping Harley didn’t notice the anxious flowers sprouting everywhere in their wake.
“Maybe they meant a different Legion of Doom?”
The lame attempt drew Harley’s sideways glance but hardly slowed her determined steps.
“Is there another Legion of Doom?”
“Well, no, but…”
“Then she’s here!” Harley pointed at the building before planting her hands on her hips, baseball bat wrapped tightly in one fist, and bellowed, “Wake up, fuckers! I’m here for my friend!”
Before Ivy grasped what was happening, Harley took two running steps forward, cartwheeled into a front handspring, and landed in front of the door mid-swing. Her bat smashed through the glass like an anvil dropped on a thin layer of ice, shattering it into thousands of shards that sprayed across the lobby.
“Awe, Harls,” Ivy sighed, her gaze sweeping over the mess as she followed Harley into the building. “You could’ve just…waited for it to open…”
“Hey you!” Harley shouted, pointing her bat at some poor goon loitering nearby. He gestured to himself while Harley stalked up to him in all of her pint-sized fury. “Yeah, you. Tell me where Batgirl is or I’m breaking your kneecaps!”
He looked at Ivy, who subtly shook her head, then pointed at the elevator and said, “Tenth floor.” Harley grunted at the information and stomped over to the elevator, oblivious to the thick vines that wrapped around the idiot and dragged him into the wall with nothing more than a rustle of leaves and muffled yelp.
“Should we really trust that guy?” Ivy said while joining Harley in the elevator. “I mean…did you see his hair?”
“I’ll check every single floor if I have to!”
Harley jabbed the button for the tenth floor then smacked her bat into the palm of her hand. Despite Ivy’s rapidly increasing worry, she couldn't help but marvel at how well Harley wore determination. Under ordinary circumstances, Ivy would pity the idiot about to be on the receiving end of Harley’s uniquely painful form of justice. In these circumstances, as the elevator rocketed to the very floor holding Batgirl, she was that idiot.
“There are probably loads of kidnapped people here,” she commented. “I mean, I’m in my office most of the time, so… anything could be happening down here without me knowing.”
“Don’t worry, Ive. I don’t blame you. You can’t know what everyone is doing.”
Harley blessed Ivy with a forgiving smile before the elevator doors opened, releasing a mini hurricane into the hall.
“Now where is she…” Harley muttered, stomping over to the first door and kicking it in with her heel. It slammed against the wall before bouncing back, but Harley had already moved on. The next door met a similar fate and earned additional grumbles from the smoldering gymnast. She was close though - the next door would reveal the person she was searching for, and then Ivy would need to spin the best web of explanations she had ever spun.
Ignoring Frank, who had decided to pass out in the hallway outside of Batgirl’s holding cell, snoring louder than a jackhammer, Harley bashed open the door to Batgirl’s cell and gasped.
“Harley, let me explain,” Ivy instantly said, rushing after Harley only to freeze when she found an empty room, a very broken glass window, and no quasi-hero. “Ohh…fuckk...” she breathed out while Harley jumped into the cell and picked up a strip of black fabric caught on a shard of glass.
“This is hers! She was here!”
Harley spun in a circle, looking at every corner of the room as if Batgirl might be hiding somewhere. But nope. Batgirl was nowhere to be found. Which was just as much of a puzzle to Ivy as it was to Harley.
“Maybe she broke herself out?” Ivy suggested as Harley rejoined her on the other side of the glass. “She’s probably already at home playing with dolls or whatever kids do these days.”
“No way, Ives. Look at the glass - it’s in the room. Someone broke into the room; she didn’t break out.”
Ivy looked at Harley, then at the glass - which had shattered into the room, just like Harley said - before staring at Harley.
“You know, it’s really hot when you do this detective thing.”
“I’ve broken my share of windows,” Harley replied, winking before her grin widened. “One time, I aimed it just right so a shard of glass flew right into some guy’s eye. He started screaming and pulled it out, and his eyeball came with it, so he started screaming even more.”
While Harley doubled over with laughter, Ivy wrinkled her nose.
“Ew. Ok, Harls, she’s not here, so -”
“Let’s check the security tape!”
Harley whirled around and pointed at the camera in the corner of the room.
“Yeah -” Ivy was mid-nod when she realized what those tapes would reveal. “Ohhh, no,” she corrected, solemnly shaking her head. “No, those are - those are fake, actually.” Harley’s brow furrowed, but Ivy nodded. “Yeah, they’re just there to scare people.”
“Why do you have fake cameras?”
“Because…Lex is a cheap bastard. He just wants it to look like he’s loaded.”
“I knew it,” Harley said, triumphantly clenching both fists.
“I have an idea,” Ivy offered before Harley got any more legitimately good ideas. “Why don’t you look for clues in here and I’ll see if Frank heard anything?”
“Right. Got it.”
Focus restored, Harley started searching around the room for anything out of place. Ivy, meanwhile, hurried into the hall.
“Frank!” she hissed, startling him from his nap. “What the hell happened?!”
“What -?” After blinking himself awake, he glanced over Ivy’s shoulder and gasped. “Oh my god, Ivy! Someone stole Batgirl!”
Ivy sighed, hung her head, and pinched the bridge of her nose.
“Yes, someone did. Did you see who that someone was?”
“Naw, girl. I passed out right after you left. That subway guy ain’t sitting right in my stomach…”
“Great.” While Frank rubbed his pot with one vine, Ivy set her hands on her hips before throwing them in the air. “This is so stupid! Now I have to rescue her just so I can kidnap her again?”
“Or you could tell just…Harley what happened…”
“I’m not taking advice from someone who eats subway gum.”
“You told me to!” he protested, but she motioned him away and returned to Harley.
“Find anything?”
“No.” Harley let her shoulders slouch before motioning with both hands. “I don’t get it! Who breaks into the Legion of Doom to kidnap someone?”
“Or they just, you know, walked through the doors…they’re automatic so they open whenever someone gets close…” When Harley’s frown deepened, Ivy sighed and set a hand on her shoulder. “I know you’re worried, peanut, but I’m sure she’s fine. She’s tough, right? I mean, not as tough as you but still…relatively capable in certain situations…”
“Yeah, I guess…”
“And it doesn’t make sense to me either,” Ivy admitted. “Why would anyone kidnap her? She’s only relevant because of her connection to - oh…shit.”
“Because of her connection to who?” Harley asked while Ivy’s stomach dropped through the floor.
“Who’s she always with? Polarizing figure that people love and hate?”
“Me!”
Ironically, that was the reason for Batgirl’s original kidnapping, but Ivy shook her head. “No, Harls, who’s her mentor? Big scary dude? Literally, her name’s based on his.”
Harley thought about it long and hard before her eyes widened.
“Batman?”
“Yes. And who would want to get to Batman?”
This time, Harley thought for only a second before glowering.
“Oh, I’m gonna kill that crusty ol’ clown.”
Harley slapped her bat into the palm of her hand while stalking out of the room, and Ivy quickly followed.
“Wait, sweetie, where are you going?”
“To kill Joker.”
“Ok, you know I’m totally on board with killing your psychotic ex, but maybe we should think this through a little more. Maybe come up with a plan before doing something that could get us killed?”
“I have a plan - break into his hideout, save Batgirl, bash his face in.”
“That’s…great, Harley. But it’s the Joker -”
“And I have you,” Harley replied, pressing the button to take the elevator to the lobby before giving Ivy a sweet smile. “You and me, Ives. We can do anything.”
That smile was Ivy’s biggest weakness. It had gotten her into trouble more times than she could count. It melted her voice of reason and turned her into a pliable mound of putty that agreed with everything Harley wanted. So here she was, nodding along like an idiot because the love of her life wanted to run headfirst into the Joker’s lair.
“You’re right, peanut,” she even said. “Nothing can stop us as long as we’re together.”
Harley rewarded Ivy with a kiss and squeal of delight before grabbing her hand and leading her out of Legion of Doom headquarters. Ivy hardly noticed treading over the shattered glass in the entryway, being far more preoccupied with worrying about what she got them into. She only wanted to make Batgirl disappear for a little while, possibly forever, so that she and Harley could enjoy each other’s company without pesky distractions.
If that plan had worked as intended, she wouldn't be cautiously approaching an abandoned warehouse in the worst part of Gotham. Harley’s hand wouldn't be gripping hers with ironclad determination, unafraid of what might await them within the dilapidated building.
Ordinarily, Ivy would insist on forming a plan before going up against someone as erratic as the Joker, but the building was literally covered in ivy, so…she felt reasonably confident that she could at least protect herself and Harley from any physical harm. Her biggest concern was that Batgirl might actually be there and might actually tell Harley the truth about this horrible day.
“Before we go in -” Just outside the rusted metal doors leading to god-knows-what, Ivy stopped and pulled Harley aside. She grabbed both of Harley’s hands and squeezed them while staring deep into Harley’s blue gaze. “I just want to say that I love you, and that everything I do is because I love you so much.”
“I know you love me! That’s why you’d never do anything to hurt me, and I’d never do anything to hurt you.”
Harley rolled up onto her tiptoes to kiss Ivy’s cheek while Ivy raised one finger and said, “‘Hurt’ is a little undefined sometimes. I might accidentally do something that I thought was good for us, but it hurt you by mistake.”
“But then you’d feel bad.”
“You’re right. I’d feel so bad that I’d do anything to make it up to you. So just…remember that?”
“Always, Ives.” Harley kissed Ivy again - one of those soft, sweet kisses that stole Ivy’s breath away - before beaming. “Now let’s kick Joker’s ass!”
While Harley marched to the building, shoulders squared and fingers curled into fists, Ivy took a deep breath and followed close behind. Her mind subtly reached out to The Green, connecting with every bit of plant life in the vicinity in case they needed help. Harley, meanwhile, reached the door, threw it open without a second thought, and stormed inside.
Ivy wrinkled her nose at the damp, dusty air, but Harley’s soft gasp instantly grabbed her full attention. Her gaze shot to the center of the warehouse, which was really nothing more than a single large room held up by some metal beams and thin metal sheeting, and her heart dropped when she saw the large pool of bubbling green acid over which a bound and gagged Batgirl hung by a rope threaded through the rafters.
“Batgirl!” Harley called out before springing forward, but Ivy grabbed her arm and yanked her back just before her foot hit a thin wire running across the floor. That trap might have been avoided, but two flood lights suddenly clicked on, shining directly in their faces and forcing them to throw up their hands to shield their eyes.
“I knew you’d show up,” a deep, smooth voice called out from somewhere above them, followed by delirious laughter that abruptly ended. “What -?” The spotlights shut off, and Ivy could just barely make out Joker standing on a metal catwalk on one side of the room. “You’re not Batman!”
“What gave us away…” Ivy drawled, her vision still swimming with black spots.
“‘Course I’m not Batdick,” Harley added. “Now give me back my friend!”
Harley pointed her bat at Batgirl, but Joker looked at her and laughed.
“Oh, herrr? I can’t do that...Batman will be here to rescue her any second now, and then I’ll surprise him with this!”
Joker triumphantly held up a small silver device with a red button on top, but Harley squinted at it and Ivy crossed her arms over her chest.
“What’s that?”
“Yeah, what the fuck is that?” Ivy asked.
“You two really are no fun since you got together, you know that?” Brushing past their lackluster reaction, Joker cleared his throat and held the device out in front of him. “And this is Joker’s House of Horrors!!”
One push of the red button and the warehouse came alive. Huge, razor-sharp pendulums untethered from the ceiling and sliced across the room, their immense size and weight leaving gusts of wind in their wake. Red laser tripwires crisscrossed the floor between them and Batgirl, rigged to explosives stuck to the support beams keeping the roof above their heads. Acid-filled balloons started dropping from the ceiling, being constantly filled and released via a series of pipes and contraptions before splashing with a sickly green sizzle on the floor. Joker’s maniacal laughter echoed off of the thin walls, his shoulders shaking in psychotic delight at his latest creation.
“Seeee?” he said, spreading his arms wide while Ivy gently pulled Harley away from the nearest tripwire. “Once Batman shows up, he can try to save his…whoever this is. If he fails, she gets a nice, warm, acid bath.”
Joker dissolved into unhinged giggles just thinking about it, and Ivy watched the metal pendulums slice back and forth before turning to Harley.
“Well, this is great, Harls,” she said with forced enthusiasm. “He’s not going to kill her. The acid will probably just…you know… change her. Maybe erase her memories like it did to -”
As soon as the thought popped into her head, she froze and pursed her lips. Noticing Ivy’s deliberation, Batgirl narrowed her eyes and said something that came out too muffled to understand.
“No!” Harley shouted, shaking her head and leveling her bat at Joker. “I don’t want her memory erased! She’s my friend, and I don’t exactly have a lot of friends since I’m loud and chaotic and like to smash in people’s kneecaps…” Her blue eyes sparkled with excitement at the thought, but she quickly shook it away and reached for Ivy’s hand. “Being Ivy’s friend taught me how important it is to be there for the people who care about you, so I’m not letting you or anyone else hurt either one of them!”
Ivy’s heart overflowed with love for Harley at that moment. At the same time, her mind sighed and realized that now she had to save Batgirl. If she didn’t, she would feel guiltier than the time she ate the last piece of lasagna without asking. Joker, on the other hand, just laughed at Harley’s dogged persistence.
“You can’t blame me,” he said, lightly touching one hand to his chest. “I walked into Legion of Doom with no plan at all. Then I saw her there, just dangling in front of me like bait…”
A maniacal giggle slipped through his lips, and he held his hands over his stomach when it quickly became body-consuming laughter. Ivy, meanwhile, glanced at Batgirl - still hanging precariously over a vat of unfriendly acid - before whispering, “What’s the plan, Harls?”
Harley had just opened her mouth when one of the few remaining skylights shattered above them. A dark figure dropped into the warehouse accompanied by shards of glass pelting down on them like unfriendly raindrops.
“What is with people breaking things they don’t have to??” Ivy griped as Batman landed in a crouch in front of them.
“Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy,” he greeted them in his deep, gruff voice. “What’re you doing here?”
“Watching you needlessly break a window when you could’ve used the door.” Ivy jerked a thumb over her shoulder to the door she and Harley used.
“Saving Batgirl!” Harley answered more helpfully - and excitedly.
“Batman!” Joker called out, leaning so far forward on his platform that he nearly toppled over the edge. “You finally made it! And here I thought I’d have to dunk your friend just for funsies…”
Joker held another small device in his hands now, and one push of that button sent Batgirl dropping several feet closer to the bubbling acid. Batgirl shouted something as the rope lurched to a stop, leaving her swinging helplessly above her imminent doom. Ivy’s gaze drifted to the top of the rope, which rubbed back and forth against a rusted metal beam and was definitely starting to fray.
“I’ll handle Joker,” Batman said.
“I’ll get Batgirl!”
Batman barely tipped his chin before shooting his grappling hook into the wall above Joker’s head and flying across the room to take on the chaotic clown. Harley, meanwhile, raced headfirst into Joker’s House of Horrors.
“Harley, wait!” Ivy called out, but she was already too late. Harley reached the tripwires and danced through them using a combination of cartwheels, spins, and somersaults, all while avoiding the occasional acid-filled balloon falling from the ceiling.
“Shit, shit, shit,” Ivy muttered while sending thick vines shooting out from the wall to grab ahold of the swinging blades. They were so sharp that they cut right through the restraints, but they slowed down just enough for Harley to skirt by unscathed. Harley then raced up the stairs to the walkway above the pool of acid while Joker tussled with Batman, his unhinged laughter joining heavy punches, Harley’s footsteps on the metal platform, and Ivy’s pounding heart.
There was a moment - a brief moment - when Ivy thought that Harley would find a safe way to get Batgirl down. Then the rope snapped, and Harley did what Harley always did - launched herself over the vat of acid with no thought or plan for what happened next.
“Harley!” Ivy screamed, watching in seemingly slow motion as Harley caught Batgirl before both of them plunged toward their deaths or inconvenient lobotomies.
Ivy’s vines made it just in time, snatching both girls when they were mere inches from the green surface, yanking them out of the pool, and depositing them onto the floor.
“Whaaat - no screaming??” Joker whined. Despite being trapped in Batman’s headlock, he started laughing, and his laughter only grew when he unveiled another silver device with a single red button. “Oh well…” he hummed. “At least I planned fireworks!”
As soon as he pressed the button and the explosives beeped, Ivy sprang into action. Thick plants burst through the wall near Batgirl and Harley, swallowed them up, and swiftly carried them outside. Ivy cocooned herself in another safe shell and swept out of the building just as the first explosion went off. The earth-shattering boom was followed by several more in rapid succession, then the horrible screeching of metal as the warehouse collapsed in on itself.
Only when she was certain she was a safe distance away did Ivy emerge from her shield and watch the building fold like a house of cards. Her gaze quickly found Harley though, and she raced over as fast as her legs would carry her.
“Harley!” One of her hands landed on Harley’s shoulder, and the other on Harley’s arm as she frantically searched for injuries. “Are you alright? Are you hurt?”
“I’m fine, Ives.” Harley dusted off her butt before beaming at Ivy. “You saved us!”
Harley threw her arms around Ivy’s neck and kissed her like she was a hero. And Ivy accepted the kiss like she was a hero - because she could be heroic sometimes, especially when Harley was involved.
They only broke apart when someone loudly cleared their throat. The interruption alone was enough to earn a black mark in Ivy’s book, and that was before she saw Batgirl, arms crossed over her chest, frown on her lips, and one foot impatiently tapping the ground.
“Are you going to tell her or should I?” she asked, jerking her head toward Harley.
“Tell me what?” Harley asked while Ivy slapped some leaves over Batgirl’s mouth, making the girl sputter and swipe at her face.
“She talks a lot, doesn’t she,” Ivy said over Batgirl’s muffled protests.
“She does. You get used to it though. Kind of like turning on the TV for background noise.”
Ivy smiled at the analogy, which reassured her that what she and Harley had was far different - and far better - than whatever weird co-working relationship Harley and Batgirl shared. When she spotted Batman emerging from the rubble, looking dusty and disheveled but none the worse for wear - other than having let Joker slip through his grasp yet again, of course - she decided to bite the bullet before his lack of functioning emotions ruined the mood.
“Harley, I need to tell you something.” When Harley tilted her head, Ivy took a deep breath and held Harley’s hands for support. “I might’ve…kind of…been the one who had Batgirl kidnapped the first time…”
As the admission sank in, Harley’s eyes widened.
“You kidnapped her? But…why?”
“Because!” If that was a good enough answer, Ivy would have rolled with it. When Harley’s brow furrowed, however, she sighed and continued. “Because…we have such a great thing going now, but it just feels like…like she’s always there when we should be having our moments. So I guess I got a little jealous, then I got a little crazy and thought things would be better if she was just…not around anymore. I’m so sorry, Harley. I shouldn’t have done something so drastic just because I got jealous.”
“So…basically…you love me so much that you kidnapped someone for me?”
“Of course. I’d kidnap anyone for you.”
“Oh, Ive!” Far from being angry, Harley threw her arms around Ivy’s neck and peppered her cheek with kisses. “That’s the sweetest thing someone’s ever done for me!”
“Harley!” Batgirl chided her.
“Oh, right.” Harley pulled slightly away and captured Ivy in her pretty blue eyes. “Can I make one little request though? Kidnap someone who isn’t my friend next time? Like that annoying guy who keeps putting too much mayo on my sandwich!”
“Which guy?”
“You know! He’s tall, has brown hair, some muscles -”
“You really need to work on your descriptions,” Ivy said before smiling. “But anything for you, peanut. Consider him a goner.”
“You’re the best.” When Harley kissed Ivy again, the remainder of Ivy’s stress melted away. Then Harley beamed up at her and said, “And how about next time Riddler plants a bomb in the train station, Batgirl saves the day while you and me kill anything trying to trample plants?”
“You’d do that for me?” Ivy asked while Harley’s arms wrapped around her waist.
“‘Course, Ivy! You’re the love of my life - I’d do anything for you.”
“Even kidnap one of my friends?”
“Yeah, Frank better watch out.”
When Harley grinned and winked, Ivy laughed and said, “You can have him. He eats the gum people stick on the subway, you know.”
“You’d be surprised what kinds of flavors you can find on the subway! Especially if you check under the seats.”
Ivy scoffed but, when Harley didn’t immediately confirm the joke, wrinkled her nose. Before she asked whether or not Harley was actually eating other people’s used chewing gum - because she kissed Harley all the time when Harley was chewing gum - an imposing presence joined them.
“Harley, Ivy. Thank you for your help.” Batman tilted his chin to each of them before turning to Batgirl. “What happened?”
As soon as Batgirl looked at Ivy, Ivy realized that Batman might not enjoy learning who got them into this mess. Ivy had even taken a step backward when Batgirl finally sighed.
“It’s…a long story,” she said, shaking her head before smiling up at him. “But don’t worry. I don’t think it’ll happen again.”
“It won’t.” Harley looked up at Ivy and squeezed her hand. “Right, Ives?”
“Well, I don’t think we can really say for sure…” As soon as Harley nudged her elbow, Ivy stopped and nodded. “But you’re right. Absolutely won’t happen again. In the same way, at least.”
“That’d be boring,” Harley agreed, wrapping an arm through Ivy’s, leaning into her side, and looking up at her. “This was kind of fun though.”
“Really?” When Harley nodded, Ivy smiled and turned into her. “You did so great finding clues - maybe you should be a detective.”
“Only if you’ll be a detective with me…” Harley purred, leaning closer and batting her eyes.
“Oh, god,” Batgirl said. “We should go.”
This time, the interruption didn’t even draw Ivy’s gaze away from Harley. She pressed closer instead, their fingers intertwining and several thin vines wrapping around their ankles.
“I love you, Harley. Sorry I went a little crazy.”
“It’s fine. I happen to like crazy.”
When Harley grinned and winked, offering forgiveness that came to her as easily as breathing, Ivy drew her into another kiss. This kiss was firm, passionate, tasted a bit like garlic, and smelled overwhelmingly like burning metal, but reminded Ivy of all the reasons why she had fallen in love with Harley, and all the reasons why she would do whatever it took to make their relationship last.