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[1]
The night was coming along nicely, the boys were at a local bar, the atmosphere was harmonious, the drinks were satisfying, the night was crisp. Gaz and Johnny were sipping away at their hundredth drink, enjoying the relaxing time and aftermath of a rough mission, Ghost and Price were at a booth whilst Johnny and Gaz were at the bar.
This mission was particularly rough with Johnny getting a dislocated finger and gnarly gash, Gaz got a graze to the arm, and Ghost being Ghost got to kill them all, overall, the mission was a success.
And now it was time to relax, and let go.
Johnny had come along way with his team, he is really proud of himself, he’s become close friends with ‘The Ghost’, he is a great teacher to his rookies and impresses them with his demolition knowledge, he has a great fatherly captain, and an amazing best friend.
So, to say he came along way is actually an understatement, with his last team, he was very quiet which might come as a surprise considering today, he could yap all day if you let him. His old team would constantly belittle him, yell at him, even go to such lengths as to physically beat him to shut the fuck up.
So, to say the least he has had heavy issues with his self-esteem and his ability to talk for hours on end, but when the 141 didn’t immediately shut him up he became more confident and as time went on, he realised they didn’t mind, or at least that’s what he thought, it was only a matter of time before he was told otherwise.
He taught himself that when his team mocks or comments on his yapping, he just pushes it down letting it drown in his bottle of insecurities for another day. Although he knows deep down it fucking hurts, it hurts when they say shut up, it hurts when they say do you ever stop, it hurts when they order him to stop, it fucking hurts.
But he can’t mess up with this team, so he laughs it off and uses every ounce of self-control he has to lessen the splatter of words leaking from his mouth, he has hope that the team never gets as annoyed as his old team, he hopes they never yell at him or hurt him like they did, he hopes.
So, when the comments were coming up more often, he laughed it down into his bottle of insecurities, the bottle that was so already full, he jammed them in holding them for another day, keeping them locked up, not wanting to break his reputation, not wanting to be a bother, not wanting the past to come back.
Johnny was pulled back to reality as Gaz handed him another shot, the alcohol simmered down his throat, the tang and warmth of it felt calming against it. The tv was on with a game playing, he would glance back every now and then checking the score, but not paying too much attention as it was a team neither of them followed.
Johnny gazed around the room, smiling to himself, everyone was drinking, laughing with friends, having a good time, it was nice to see when in his line of work. Normal civilian life, not having seen the horrors of war, death, gore, everything to haunt you with later.
They were both fairly drunk at this point, shot after shot soothing their aches and clouding their minds. Both chatting away mindlessly, before stumbling upon the topic of bombs, Johnny being Johnny had to share his new idea with his best friend.
“I remember this one time on a mission, before the 141, we got to blow up a building and it was insane, like it shook the ground from at least a kilometer away, and the smoke cloud was crazy.” Gaz slurred giggling along.
Johnny lit up at the mention of explosives, his mind worked at light speed collecting all the knowledge on bombs ready to overshare with Gaz, the words just fell out about everything.
How bombs are made, why they can explode so massively, why they can be very different, how they work, why the wires matter. Every single thing you can think of was spluttered out of his mouth tainting Gaz’s ears with hundreds of words, all about bombs. Sometimes it was impressive the amount of knowledge he kept up there, but after a while it got tiering.
“-hat’s why it’s important to cut the right wire, cannae explode with it now can ye.” Johnny giggled, along with Gaz.
At first it was interesting, then it turned into losing interest, then it turned into annoyance, he just didn’t shut up, the words just kept fucking spurting out, word after word, sentence after sentence.
Gaz’s drunk mind was fogged and being slammed with so much at once he just blurted shit out.
“Do you ever shut up?”
Johnny took a few moments to process what he had just been asked, the words felt like a bullet just plunged right through his chest, piercing a fat hole through his heart. His stomach flopped about as anxiety and regret wriggled around his body, the bottle of insecurities was being opened, his best friend just asked if he ever shuts up.
He was shocked and confused, has he been misinterpreting their relationship, does Gaz not actually like him rambling, he felt his eyes start stinging, and a chill ran through his spine. Maybe he read everything wrong, Gaz never liked Johnny, he never liked his talking, never liked his personality, never liked his voice, never liked him.
Shit, his thoughts were racing around his skull rebounding off every crevice thinking of a solution, thinking of what to do, he can’t have his team hate him like his old one, he can’t have them beat him, or yell at him, or transfer him, or anything, he can’t ruin it.
His drunken mind now sober, giggled it off with a small, “You’d miss my yappin’…” before his brain worked over drive to make sure he spoke way less that night, to which it luckily did. He let Gaz talk, he let the silence run long, he stayed silent on the walk back to base, he held his tongue just like he did with his old team.
However, his mind was a haze of a million thoughts a second, the crisp night air sunk through his bones feeding his thoughts. Shivers wracked around him, and the soft breeze made his eyes shed soft tears.
He couldn’t fuck this up.
[2]
It was a few days later after that mission, Rudy and Ale were over from Mexico, Johnny was really happy to see his friends again, he really loved them. They helped with a small mission and were staying on base for a few days, so they were enjoying their time together.
Johnny had spent the last few days speaking unnoticeably less, just saying a few words less, not putting in as much input in debrief, not adding the extra quirks to his sentences. It seemed to be going well for now, no one seemed annoyed or angry, everyone seemed happier around him, but it hurt.
Gaz had forgotten everything after he got drunk and forgot the harsh words he spurted, but Johnny didn’t.
The only thing was Ghost noticed something right off the bat, when they first saw Ale and Rudy, he didn’t go off on tangents about everything, he didn’t explain to them the procedure of bomb making four times to them. He wasn’t talking as much, but nothing seemed to have happened, so he chucked it down to being tired, or exhausted, or anything reasonable.
The boys were all in the 141 common room, lounging on the couches and chatting away, with ‘Price permitted’ as he called it beers. Johnny was sipping lightly on his not wanting to get too drunk and ramble, however that didn’t last long as he began putting more input in, more jokes in, more words, more everything.
Everyone was laughing and having a good time, the atmosphere was perfect, the drinks were nice, they were safe with their friends.
Every time Johnny would say something extra, he gazed around at all their expressions, looking for annoyance, anger, irritation, but he found none, which was reassuring him, so he began talking more.
The conversations flowed sweetly, and the night grew, until the laughs became louder, the giggles were more dominant, the air was lighter.
“Aye, how about we play cards hermanos!” Ale suggested, and the crowd agreed.
Gaz went to their bookcase and found their usual pack of cards, wandering back to the couch was a challenge as he stumbled multiple times almost face planting the floor. Everyone was laughing, and Gaz finally made it back plopping next to Price, he handed the cards over and Price began fiddling with the pack.
“What game?” Price asked gazing around the room for any suggestions.
“Black Jack!” Johnny yelled.
“Poker!” Rudy suggested.
“Uno!” Gaz giggled.
They burst out laughing before Price settled with a few games of Black Jack and a few games of Poker, the cards were sorted well and thoroughly, each shuffle being monitored by the whole group.
“Ye dinnea need tae shuffle so much, les’ goooo…” Johnny mumbled.
Price just grunted and finished shuffling, everyone got in their seats and were handed out cards, Gaz was doing horrible kept risking his hand and asking for more cards then folding, Johnny was doing better winning once, Ale was good winning a few times. The games were good and fun all giggling along as everyone watched as Gaz went from cheering to grumpy like a toddler, the games went on until everyone was bored of Black Jack and turned to poker.
The cards were shuffled by Alejandro this time, each movement being heavily watched by Johnny and Gaz, who were giggling along to each other, Johnny almost forgot about what he said the other night.
The cards were dealt, and the games were running long, Gaz had lost his poker face, and everyone could tell if he had a good or bad hand, Rudy was extremely focused and won a few rounds, Ghost was grumbling the whole time apparently getting shit deals, and Johnny just felt happy.
His now drunken haze forgot about the words Gaz said, forgot about the limit he set, forgot about his self-control, and his mind worked tricks to plan up some knowledge on cards ready to rapid fire sentence after sentence.
As the cards were being shuffled for another round Johnny started rambling, about what the first card game was, who invented the cards, what the most common card game is, everything he randomly knew about cards was being rambled.
Some of the others giggled along until it came to much and the game was starting, and he hadn’t stopped the yapping, he forgot to shut up, he forgot to watch his mouth, he forgot to control himself, he forgot, and he got hurt, again.
“Does he ever stop talking?” Rudy asked giggling, no malice in his voice, but the words cut deep.
Gaz burst out laughing along with Ale, and Price just chuckled, even Ghost huffed a soft laugh, even Ghost thought he was annoying, fuck.
Johnny’s heart ached, like rope was wrapped around it tightening it burning holes through the flesh, it hurt, it always hurts, why does he never fucking learn, why can’t he just stay quiet, why can’t he just stop, why can’t he.
He just awkwardly huffed a soft laugh before his mouth was shut for good.
“No, I don’t think he knows how.” Price chuckled.
“Pigs fly the day he stops yappin’” Gaz added, and they all laughed, they all fucking laughed at him.
His insecurities rose like a moth to a flame, all coming undone, his self-doubt, his hatred, his everything.
Does his team actually like him, do they actually care, do they want him to never speak again, do they want to shut him up, do they want to beat him too?
He didn’t know what to think anymore, the night was ruined, he wanted to fall in his bed and cry, let everything come undone and cry.
[3]
It was a week after the two incidents, he had been trying his best to speak less, and still no one noticed, no one cared, no one did anything. He was feeling better, like he made peace, he tried to shut up and now everyone’s happy, he shouldn’t have to worry about his team hating him because he’s trying his best to accommodate to them.
They were stuck at base for a week, and Soap was training a new batch of recruits, he usually loved training rookies, but this group was difficult to say the least. They didn’t listen, they were being disrespectful, and they were undermining Johnny, it was horrible, so he got an idea, because little do they know he is close friends with Ghost, the Ghost they are scared of.
Johnny was wandering around base before his training session looking for his lieutenant, he knocked on the office and came in when he heard a gruff ‘enter’. Ghost was filling paper work, when his gaze shifted up to the guest, Johnny swear it looked like it softened, he beamed at the lieutenant methodically working out what words to use and how many to say.
“What can I do you for sergeant?” Ghost grunted, he placed the paper on his desk neatly and brought his hands and interlocked them together, his gaze shifted up to meet Johnny’s and his whole attention was on Johnny.
“I uh- are ye busy?” Johnny asked, his fingers twitched and picked each other, although he would love Ghost’s help, he didn’t want to bother the man.
“Not anymore, how can I help?”
“I jes’ got rooks tae train, and was wondering if ye could help?”
Ghost frowned in confusion, Johnny loved teaching the rooks, and he was great at that, to be asking for Ghost’s help was obscure.
“What do you need help with?”
“I jes’- it’s- they aren’t very respectful, so I was wondering if ye could help scare them into place?”
Ghost chuckled lightly,“of course, I can, I’ll get my skull mask, what have they been doing, do I need to get Price involved?” Ghost asked as he rummaged through his draw before finding the skull mask and pulling it over his usual balaclava.
“Aye, ye ken the usual, talkin’ over me, not listenin’, pickin’ fights…”
Ghost nodded and they both made their way out the office, and fell into step with one another with light chatter filling the void, although Johnny still kept at a minimum, his hands fiddled with each other, and his gaze remained on the ground.
Johnny was starting to crawl with anxiety, was he actually bothering Ghost, was Ghost just saying yes because he’s his superior, was Ghost actually annoyed, should he shut up, should he stop talking.
He didn’t know what to think anymore, but before he knew it, they were at Johnny’s usual training spot, in the middle of the field, it was a few minutes before the session so they just waited, the air was cool and the breeze was fair.
“Do you have any kids in mind that need a berating?” Ghost huffed a chuckled.
“Aye, Wilson and Jones, but mainly Jones, he’s a real doozey…”
“How long have they been doing shit?”
“Since I got ‘em.”
“Why didn’t you come to me sooner?”
“Well, it’s not yer problem, ye have enough on yer plate…”
The conversation was rocky from there, but it was still nice chatting with Ghost, I mean Johnny does have a fat crush on the lieutenant so it’s always nice chatting with him. Shouts and yells echoed around the field as groups of recruits left the main hall ready for training, his group of rooks waddled up in smaller groups some late some early, they were a total mess.
They all however straightened up at seeing Ghost, his glare was deadly, and his stance was stern, he made sure to stand closer to Johnny almost subconsciously protecting him. When all the rookies were lined up Johnny did his roll call, everyone actually answering respectfully, when they were told to do their first exercise it went alright, Jones was being a bit of a dick, but it went okay.
It was when the bomb training came up that Jones was fed up, Johnny being a demolitions expert obviously teaches his rookies about it for anyone who might find it interesting. He begins explaining new types of bombs, different strategies to defend yourself, and how important it is to watch out for them.
He demonstrates ways to prepare and defend yourself against a bomb blowing up, he notices the rookies getting those looks of boredom, annoyance, irritation, and he slowly switches the topic, but before he can Jones lifted his hand for a question.
“What, Jones?”
“Just want to ask a question sir.”
“Go on…”
“I want to ask Ghost.”
Johnny raised an eyebrow, and shifted his gaze to the lieutenant next to him, Ghost just met his gaze and nodded.
“What is it.” Ghost gruffed out, his tone was raining with authority.
“Does the sergeant ever shut the fuck up on mission or is he always this yappy.” Jones snickered.
Even the fucking rookies were saying something about how much he talks, those words stabbed hard, he was really fucking trying this time to shut up, he was really trying, he thought he was doing better, but apparently not. He wanted to run, to hide in his bed, and cry, he wanted to leave and never come back, he just wanted out, he hated it so much, why did he have to speak so fucking much, if the recruits point it out what if they complain to Price and he gets transferred.
He loves the 141, he can’t leave just yet, he worked so hard to get here, he just can’t learn to fucking zip it.
Although Ghost didn’t feel that way, the atmosphere turned harsh, his glare was horrific, he was pissed, how fucking dare a rookie speak that way to his sergeant, his friend, his Johnny.
“What the fuck, did you just say.” Ghost firmly asked, with the coldest roughest tone he could muster, the other recruits shuffled away from Jones, feeling the wrath from Ghost.
“I just- it was just a question…”
“How fucking dare, you disrespect my sergeant, your superior, that is fucking disgraceful.” Ghost stepped forward stalking into Jones’ space, crowding him.
“You are coming with me whether you like it or not, am I fucking understood.” Ghost growled looming over the scared shitless Jones.
“Y-yes sir…”
After that Jones was grabbed by the ruff of his neck and dragged off the field to Price’s office where he was heavily scolded and punished with a final warning, anymore fuck ups and he’s out.
Johnny was stuck, Ghost stood up for him, but Jones was right he speaks to much. He just didn’t know what to think anymore, the rookies pulled him from his thoughts, he continued the training session, and a while later Ghost came back without Jones, and everyone listened, and it went well.
Johnny decided he still needed to speak less though.
[4]
Ale and Rudy were over with Los Vaqueros for a week, they were enjoying messing about, playing cards, drinking, dancing, everything. 141 always enjoyed their company, and Soap and Gaz always welcome Rudy into their little duo of mischief, it was a Friday night, and they were all in the common room, Gaz, Soap and Rudy were all snickering and giggling with each other whilst sipping on beers.
They were huddled together on a couch in the corner, Johnny was in the middle with Rudy on one side and Gaz the other. Ghost was sitting with Price and Ale, on the couches in the middle, sharing stories and beers with the vaqueros.
Johnny was feeling better, he pushed everything back down, suffocating his insecurities keeping them hidden away from prying eyes. He was happy enjoying the night with his friends, laughs and yelling filled the common room, echoing around filling ears.
Ghost would periodically glance over at Johnny, seeing if he was okay, seeing the scot giggling and laughing always sent warmth to his heart. Although he had a hard time admitting it, he did care…a lot for him, so much so it lit a flame of possessiveness deep inside him, a flame that scared him.
Johnny was showing them things on his phone, and they burst into giggles, even Alejandro spared glances to his partner. They were all laughing and slurring words together, the alcohol soothed their minds, leaving them in a comfy haze, suddenly the phone was pulled from Johnny’s hands and Gaz stood up running.
Rudy burst out laughing, watching as Johnny got up and sprinted after him, Gaz ran around the semi crowded common room weaving between the Vaqueros, with Soap right on his tail. Johnny was screaming and giggling as Gaz ran faster screaming back, the sight had everyone laughing and poor Price just sighing in defeat watching his kids run around like idiots.
“COME BACK!” Johnny shouted through the crowd.
“NO!”
Gaz shrieked as he was caught and fell to the floor with Soap on him, they giggled and wrestled until the phone was forgotten about and they were just wrestling, the others were cheering them on, with a final pin Soap won.
He got up and cheered, he turned back to the other and lolled a hand out for him to grab and got pulled up, the forgotten phone was handed back. They made their way to the others, Rudy had situated himself next to Ale, or should I say basically sitting on him, Soap flopped next to Ghost and Gaz next to Price.
“Nice one jabón!” Ale chuckled, the warm vibration resounded through Rudy, sending him giggling.
“Sí hermano!”
Price shared a story with the group, Rudy snuggled up with Ale, Ghost sat closer to Soap, Gaz cuddled up with the couch. Price’s gruff voice serenaded around the room, filling people ears, chuckles and gasps could be heard as the story progressed, before it came to an end.
Others began telling stories through the night, ranging from funny stories about missions, to scary stories, until everyone had shared at least one story, it was Gaz’s second story, this time about a certain scot.
“Yeah, we were stuck in a building, and then he decided to blow up a door without tellin’ me! Almost blew me head off, Price had it on him for a week!” Gaz giggled.
“Aye, well it wasnae that bad…”
“Soap, you almost killed yourself, it was that bad.” Price grunted.
“Aye remember that time when Soap got stuck in that rope trap and was hangin’ upside down for an hour!” Gaz laughed so hard he almost fell off the couch, the laughing echoed around sending others into a fit of laughter.
“AYE, THAT WASNAE MY FAULT!” Soap yelled, joining in on laughing.
“Yeah, it was!”
“NOT AS BAD AS HANIGN OUT OF A HELI!”
Soap forgot he was shouting; the room was being suffocated by his boisterous voice and heavy laughs.
“Dios mío, Soap, you’re so loud! Shut your yappin’.” Ale chuckled.
“Pfft! Good luck tellin’ him to shut it, impossible.” Gaz added.
Fuck, Johnny messed up again, he forgot to shut up, he forgot about the others, he forgot. His mouth was shut before anything else could come out, he fell back onto the couch, and with a big fake smile he just sat as the other laughed at him, again.
The alcoholic haze clouding Johnny’s head sent his emotions flying, he wanted to leave, to cry, to yell at them, tell them to shut it, tell them it fucking hurts, but he can’t. He can’t ruin it, can’t be transferred, can’t be removed, can’t be left.
So, he shuts his trap once again.
[5]
The days went by, he replays every single one of his friends telling him to shut up, through his head every day, the anxiety had been simmering around him every day, his eyes stung every day, his heart ached every day.
Every day he felt more confused, we he actually wanted. Was he actually their friend? Was he actually that annoying?
His bottle of insecurities was leaking all around him, they were suffocating him, and he was so close to snapping, they leaked into every crevice of his body begging for attention waiting for the right moment to strike.
The morning sun woke him, Johnny sat up in bed, today they were doing a briefing for a mission, so he had to get up and hurry. He showered and got dressed before heading to the mess, the briefing was at 0800 and it was currently 0700 so he had some time.
He reached the hall and began plating his food, he sat on their usual table and shoveled food in, completely oblivious to Ghost and Gaz already sat at the table. His food was finished, and he left without a word, putting his plate back for cleaning and heading to the debrief room, when he got there Price was already there shuffling around papers.
Johnny just nodded to the man and stalked in seating himself at his usual spot.
“You alright sergeant?”
Johnny hesitated for a moment, should he speak?
“A-Aye sir, dandy.”
Price nodded and went back to his papers, a few minutes passed, and Ghost and Gaz waltzed in sharing worried glances about the scot. Price waved them in, and they all sat, considering they were all early, he just started the briefing.
The mission was going to be a bit difficult, they were to infiltrate a factory, gather as much intel and leave, the factory was supposed to have a fair amount of guards, and not many others. The guards were armed and dangerous, and the factory was a maze, ranging from a few stories, to having a large basement.
However, Soap was allowed to blow things up.
“Alright, in the basement here, there are 4 major supports, we need you Soap to blow ‘em, we want the building to come down fully, and to kill the remaining guards, you’ll just have to be careful.”
Johnny lit up at that, he got to blow shit up, just what would help him feel better.
“Aye, sir, I can do tha’.”
“Do you have an idea of the bombs you’ll need; we’ll need a list of ‘em.”
“Aye, sir.”
The meeting went on, Price explained, their tactic, the factory was a three-story building with a large basement. Ghost was to keep watch on the building for an hour before infiltration, Ghost would then take the west, Johnny would take east, Price north and Gaz south, they were to infiltrate and gather as much as possible.
Soap was to gather intel, and find his way to the basement, he would get his bombs ready and-.
“Do I get tae put bombs around the outside tae?” Johnny interrupted.
“No.”
He would get his bombs ready and place them on the four support beams, once they were secure, they had about ten minutes to gather the rest of the info and get out, they wou-.
“I think it would be beneficial to put bombs at the entranc-.” Johnny interrupted again.
“Soap, this is not up for discussion.”
They would get what they could and leave the building, on the way-out Soap would push the button blowing up the building-.
“Ye sure, ‘am just sayin’, we could always-.” Johnny interrupted a third time.
“Soap, stop.”
The building would blow up, they would all make their way far from the building, an-.
“What aboot a bo-.” Johnny would regret.
“SOAP! DO YOU EVER SHUT UP?” Price yelled, the noise echoed around the room, Soap’s ears became muffled, his head fazed, his eyes stung, he did it again. He did it a-fucking-gain, why cant he fucking learn, why can’t he just shut up, why can’t he, this one hurt, a lot. Price was like a father to him, Price stepped up and took on that role when his own father didn’t, and now he’s yelling at him too.
His mouth shut and he slumped back in his chair, Ghost sat shocked at the outburst, Gaz was confused at the yelling, but they understood. He sat still for the rest of the briefing, trying his best not to cry, why did he keep failing, why does he keep annoying them, even Price is getting annoyed, is he going to get transferred now?
He didn’t want to leave just yet, he was really good friends with Gaz, he took down some of Ghost’s wall, he loves Ghost, he can’t leave yet, he- he really cared for Price. Guess they never really liked Johnny to begin with, they were just waiting for the moment he became too much, just like his old team, he talks to much and then they realise how annoying he is.
He just hopes the mission goes well, maybe he can prove himself, prove himself worthy, to not be a burden, not a bother, not shit. He has to try his best, do his best, to make sure they don’t transfer him, make sure they don’t hate him, make sure they don’t beat him.
The meeting went on, until everything was explained, Johnny sat there half taking in the information half holding back his tears, the meeting ended and before anyone could say anything Soap was out the door, he rushed to the barracks.
His door was opened and slammed shut, he struggled to lock the door as tears fell freely, wetting his cheeks, sobs escaped, and he collapsed on his bed. Why has all his friends told him to shut it, that he’s annoying, that he should just never speak again, why don’t they like him, why don’t they like him for him.
Why cant he just be happy, he thought they were different, he thought this team would be it.
Tears travelled and choked sobs escaped, the room was filled with sniffles and cries, and all he could think was, ‘I hope Ghost never says that.’
[+1]
His hands ached, as they gripped tighter onto the sink, the bitter ceramic was biting Johnny’s hands, enclosing them in an icy chill. His eyes stared deeply into the mirror, glaring into his own ocean blues, his mind was a haze of anxiety, he couldn’t screw this mission up.
He bottled his insecurities back up, closing them once again for another day, he was going to be fine, he’s fine, everything is fine.
He looked over himself once more before his grip loosened and his white knuckles returned to honey glaze, his bathroom door was shut, and his duffle was picked up. He made sure everything was accounted for and he headed out the door, leaving his room, his comfort, and made his way to the tarmac.
The others were already there, waiting to board, he approached diligently, until he was noticed.
“Johnny.” Johnny’s heart melted at the soft tone Simon used, he really did love this man, Simon turned to face the scot, his eyes were soft, his body was relaxed, he seemed calm.
“Simon.” Johnny replied sweetly, the unwritten rule that they can use each other’s names.
“Ready to blow shit up?”
“Aye sir, could never be more ready.”
The helo ride was long and bumpy, Soap was sat next to Ghost the whole ride, it was silent before Ghost started up, he lit the flame for Johnny, and it spread like wildfire. Words spurted out his mouth and all Simon did was listen, stories, facts, and everything was coming out of Soap’s gob.
The helo eventually landed, and they set off on their paths, Ghost was gone to his lookout to watch over the building, and the others stood their post.
“Aye L.t, what did the ocean say tae the beach?”
A deep sigh came from the comms, “what Johnny?”
“Nothin’ it jest waved.” Johnny giggled at his own joke, and Ghost just grumbled.
The hour was filled with Johnny joking, and the occasional banter between the two, Price and Gaz just zoned them out waiting for any actual intel.
“Alright sir, nothing much to report, ready to infiltrate.” Ghost’s gruff voice came through comms, and they all hummed getting ready to breach.
“Alright boys, get in, grab and out, Soap blow it up on my command, be careful.” Price stated, and they all ended with a ‘yes sir’.
The breach was quick and easy, Johnny climbed through a window at the east, except he remained blabbering.
“L.t why did the scarecrow win an award?”
“Johnny not now-.”
“Because it was outstanding in it’s field!”
Soap scouted the room he broke into, it seemed to be a small office with a desk filled with documents, he scrambled around the desk looking for anything of interest.
“L.t, what do you call a fish with a bowtie?”
“Soap, sh-.”
“Sofishticated!”
“Hey, L.t wh-.”
“MACTAVISH, SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!” Ghost lashed out, he didn’t mean to yell that, didn’t mean to say that, but he was so overwhelmed with Johnny constantly blabbering in his ear whilst trying to do a mission.
That hurt.
Gaz telling him to shut up, hurt.
Rudy telling him to shut up, hurt.
Rookies telling him to shut up, hurt.
Ale telling him to shut up, hurt.
Price telling him to shut up, hurt.
But this, Ghost, Simon, the person he loves, telling him to shut up, fucking hurt, he thought Ghost was the only one that didn’t mind it, guess he was wrong.
He stopped, his mind ran a haze, he felt vulnerable, ripped open, like his heart had barbed wire wrapped around and was pulled and tightened squeezing it apart, the blood dripped down to his stomach and filled it with anxiety.
How could he be so fucking stupid, how could he slip up, how could he.
They all hate him, they all hate his voice, hate his being, hate that he can’t fucking shut it.
Why did Johnny have to mess this one up, he loves Simon, he thought they were getting somewhere, he can’t leave now not before he confesses.
“Yes, sir.” His voice was so hollow and small, even Gaz winced at the sound, he never sounded so…small.
He hurt, everything hurt, his heart ached, his eyes were biting with tears, his throat was tingling, all he wanted was to cry. His bottle of insecurities was ripped from his guts and smashed on the floor, all the feelings flew out crowding his being, glass flung everywhere and was stabbed around his insides.
His mouth was shut, now and for good.
His body had succumbed to the nagging voices and insecurities, telling him to shut up, telling him he’s useless, telling him to never speak again.
His thoughts were ripped from him when he heard voices and foot falls racing toward the office he was in, shit.
He flung his body behind the desk hiding from the door, the door was smashed open hitting the wall behind it with a loud bang. Two men sprinted in the room yelling in a foreign language, great, their guns were drawn, and they were searching the room, shit.
Soap quickly popped out from the desk and aimed his weapon firing rounds around the room, one got a bullet through the head and fell to the floor. He hid back under as shot rang out through the room, another two men came rushing and another was down, so two left, the men were still yelling in the foreign language.
He peeked out from the desk and saw on of the men’s shoulder hiding, he shot, and the man fell crying in pain before another shot came and he was dead. His mind was still a haze of insecurities yelling at him, he was so fogged he forgot about the other, he mistakenly moved from the desk before the last man popped out and shot of a bullet, shots were traded and the man was dead.
“-oap! Soap! How copy!” Price’s voice was shouting through comms, for who know how long.
Right, Soap forgot about them, should he speak, right he was spoken to, the most he can do is answer.
“Sorry sir, Solid.”
He took one step toward the door, as soon as his foot hit the ground searing pain flooded his nerves, pain clenched at his stomach and made his knees weak. He choked on a gasp and his head fell down gazing upon his body, his shirt was slowly soaking up the blood leaking from his body, right next to his bullet proof vest was a bullet hole.
Shit, fuck, what the fuck, what do I do, shit.
Stress rose in his body, he still had to get to the basement, his hands wandered his tac vest searching for first aid, he found the little kit and rummaged through it. The adrenaline was coming back and clouding the pain for now, he found a roll of gauze and lifted his shirt, the gauze wrapped around his torso a few times before it was tied off.
He tried his best maneuvering his tac vest over the wound, the friction had him gasping in pain, but he hid the wound and went back to work. He couldn’t tell them, they wouldn’t care, they don’t want to hear him, they told him to shut it.
The building was being cleared by the others, and Soap made his way around the building to the stairs, every step he took was shooting pain through his body. He opened the door to the basement, stepping down each step slowly, he completely forgot about the comms grumbling in his ear as he made his way down.
“Soap, how copy?” Ghost asked, the voice of his lieutenant reverberating in his ear sent stabs to his heart, he didn’t want to speak to him, didn’t want to bother him, but he had to.
“Solid lieutenant, heading to basement.” He was hollow and left no room for more.
The use of his rank had Ghost aching, he didn’t mean to yell at Johnny, his heart panged at each second of silence.
Johnny finally made it to the basement floor, the room was fairly empty surprisingly, he made his way around searching for anyone, clearing the room. Every second he kept moving more crimson escaped his body, his head became lighter, and his movements became heavier, he had to get this done and go, he can’t bother the others.
He made his way around every support beam rigging it with his explosives, he wasn’t even excited about it anymore.
“Basement…rigged…” Johnny stuttered out, and he made his way back out the basement.
Gaz found a hefty amount of intel and gathered it efficiently radioing in his findings, Ghost made his way out the building with his intel, Price gathered a decent amount and also left the building with Gaz not far behind.
“Soap, buildings clear blow when you can.” Price stated over the comms, the rumble sent shivers down Soap’s spine, he was almost out the building.
The trek was becoming harder, luckily the evac point wasn’t to far, when he reached a safe enough point from the building it was sent into a massive blaze, the explosion rattled the ground and sent a loud boom across the earth.
He didn’t even pay mind to it, he stalked his way through the bush to the evac point, he felt like shit, he could feel the bullet moving with every step he took. Before he got there, he made sure to wipe the sweat from his forehead, cover his wound, and walk better.
The others were already at the evac point, all chatting, of course, they’re happier without Soap.
Gaz winced at the sight of Soap, “mate, you, okay?”
“Aye, just ran into some obstacles.” Johnny blatantly stated.
He would sit, but if he moved, he would scream in pain, so he stood away from the others waiting for the helo. Ghost didn’t know what to do, he should apologize for yelling at him, but maybe Johnny wouldn’t want to speak to him at the moment or maybe he is angry or maybe.
He just decided to wait till back at base, the light chatter of Gaz was interrupted by roaring of engines and chopping of blades as the helo came into sight. Soap visibly untensed at that, he could finally get home and clean his wound, the helo landed and they boarded, Soap sat down alone, but was joined by Gaz.
“You sure you’re okay bud?” Gaz asked looking over the scot.
“Aye, jus’ tired-.” Johnny replied, his head hit the back of the helo and he closed his eyes succumbing to the dark void.
Before he knew it, he was awake with itching pain roaring around his body, the adrenaline wore off and now it was flooding with pain. The helo was landing, and he was clouded, before he knew it the door were open and he was getting up walking out, he was first out, he needed to get this wound cleaned.
The others were not far behind trying to catch up to Soap, he tracked along the tarmac as fast as a wounded man could. Bile threatened to rise, and his head was fazing, he hadn’t realised he stopped walking before Ghost was next to him, Price was talking to him, and Gaz was yelling.
“M-medi-.” Johnny mumbled before his eyes rolled back into his head and he fell forward passing out, Ghost caught him before he fell, and he was picked up bridal style.
Price led the way with Gaz to medical, yelling at all the rookies and privates to move, the doors banged open, and medics came rushing. The wounded Johnny was laid on a bed and was wheeled away from them, away from Ghost.
They paced around the waiting area for ages, Ghost was so stressed, he never got to say sorry, he never got to say I love you.
“Fuck, why didn’t he tell us?” Price asked, head in hands.
“Who knows?!” Gaz replied with tears in his eyes.
“It was my fault.” Ghost blamed himself, he told Johnny to shut up, he yelled at Johnny, he did it, it had to be his fault, his Johnny is in there dying because of him.
The pain was a hot simmer in his stomach, his eyes fluttered, and he let out a choked groan, the lights were blinding, the constant beep of a machine was giving him a headache. He tried his best to sit up before he was stopped by a warm rough hand, he was helped into a half laying half sitting position.
His eyes wandered before they focused and he was met with Gaz to his left tears flowing softly, Ghost to his right staring intensely, and Price at the end of his bed arms crossed.
The thoughts flooded in before he could blink, where they angry, did he mess it up, did he speak to much, was he getting transferred, what did he do.
“John, we need to talk.” Prices gruff voice broke his thoughts, shit he was getting transferred.
Johnny’s mouth opened and closed, he couldn’t stop the tears from shedding down his pinked cheeks, he choked on air before he could speak.
“Please don’t transfer me…” was all he could say before he sobbed freely, all of them panicked at the current display before them.
Gaz patted his arm telling him its okay, Ghost held his hand rubbing soothing patterns, and Price rushed over.
“No, no, no John, why would you think you’re getting transferred?!”
“I- I’m sorry- I tried my best-.” Johnny choked on his sobs; he loved the team he couldn’t leave.
“Soap, hey you’re not getting transferred its oaky.” Gaz whispered.
“Johnny, why would you think that?” Ghost asked stunned.
“I- I tried, I couldn’t be better.”
“Better, Johnny what do you mean?”
“G-Gaz tells me to shut up! So, I try, Rudy tells me I talk too much, so I tried speaking less! Rookies are asking if I ever stop rambling, so I tried to stop, Ale said I’m too loud, so I tried to stop, Price asks me if I ever shut up, so I tried. Then- then you, Simon, you fucking tell me to shut up, and I fucking did, but out of all that, yours hurt the most.” Johnny stuttered through sobs, with anger ringing through his words.
They all stood shocked, replaying their memories, they all mocked him, all yelled at him, all bullied him, to shut up and he did.
The ache in Simon’s heart was unbearable, he did this, it was all his fucking fault, how could he do that to his sergeant, his friend, his…Johnny.
Gaz burst into tears apologizing profusely, he held onto Johnny’s hand and sobbed, Price was at a loss for words, and Simon just held onto Johnny’s hand tighter.
“I- I’m so sorry.” Was all Price could say.
“John, I’m so sorry, I- I never meant it I promise, I love you mate I’m so sorry…” Gaz mumbled.
Johnny just looked at them confused, everything was so confusing and blurry, so much was happening. Price grabbed onto Gaz, seeing the look on Johnny’s face, and brought him up.
“We should leave you alone, let you process things…” Price muttered as he dragged Gaz out the room, leaving him and Ghost.
Johnny’s gaze turned to meet Simon’s.
“Johnny…”
“Simon…”
“Johnny- I-, I’m sorry…”
“Why?”
“Wh- what do you mean why?”
“Why are ye sorry, I know I’m annoying and cannae shut up it’s my fault…”
“Johnny, no please don’t say that, that’s not true.”
“But it is, everyone hates me talk-.”
“Johnny! It’s not tru-.”
“THEN WHY? Why do ye all tell me tae shut up! Why do ye all tell me I talk tae much!? I don’t get it?” Tears fell as the anger simmered around his body.
“Because were stupid! I don’t know!”
“Why- it hurts! Every time I’m told tae shut up, I’m just reminded of my old fucking team! They would fucking yell at me constantly, they even fucking beat me every time I wouldn’t shut it, and yet I come tae this team- I just don’t know what tae do anymore!”
“They did what?!”
“I should just transfer, and leave ye guys…”
“Please don’t Johnny…”
“Why? Not like any of ye care anyway!”
“Joh-.”
“WHY?”
“BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE YOU! I-Johnny- I love you, I love you so much it hurts, I love when you ramble, I love when you tell me the most random shit, I love when anything come out your mouth, and I didn’t mean to yell at you or tell you to shut up, but fuck, Johnny, I love you and I’m sorry…”
The confession had Johnny silent, the words echoed around his head on repeat.
He loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me.
“You love me?”
“Yes Johnny.”
“Oh.”
“Oh.”
“Simon, come closer.”
Simon leant forward closer to the scot; cool hands slid under the mask lifting it with them until it was above his nose. Hands intertwined around Simon’s neck, and he was pulled closer, lips met, a soft sweet kiss was shared, and Johnny leant back.
“I love you too…”
All his insecurities simmered and hid for now, his body relaxed, and the pain meds kicked in fogging him, Simon was here, and he was okay for now, he would worry about everything later.