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"I think I was like, meant to be a housewife." Jeremy offers loudly from the kitchen.
Mark blinks his eyes drily to the side.
"You made one sandwich, relax, Jeremy. You are not a housewife."
"Trophy husband, whatever." Jez comes into the living room, shrugging. "It's the general abhorrence to everyday office tasks, or really any labor in general." He seems to realize that doesn't classify a housewife. "Maybe I'm more of a waif."
Yes, yes, you are Jez. You actually bloody are.
"Like one of those pretty girls who just doesn't do anything and collects men to do everything for her."
That's not the definition of waif. And I've decided you aren't a waif, actually, you're a malicious parasite, an actual malignant fucking tumor.
"But like, I do enjoy taking care of you, to some extent." Jeremy concedes very casually, as if the information is hardly sensitive to him, like he barely considers it anymore. A total given.
Mark raises an eyebrow, frowns, at this. "You do? Why?" He's almost disgusted by it.
"I dunno." Jez half considers. "Because I'm Jez, and you're Mark, and we're the El Dude Brothers."
The sentiment is weirdly sweet. Mark stomps on it like a lit cigarette.
He responds in the only way he knows how, just holds out his arm, smiling awkwardly as he makes their terrible noise. "Ehhhh, ehhhh."
Jez tips his head forward. "I do love you."
How can Jez be saying this like it's nothing at all? Did he always say it quite so much?
"Yes, well, Jez, you don't have to say that. Just keep doing the dishes and I'll see the meaning."
"Well I like saying it." It's a weird thing to sneer about, but the face Jez makes is sneer-adjacent. "Sometimes, it'd be nice to hear, too."
Oh petty, of course, of course.
"What can I do instead?" Mark grimaces.
"Oh, instead of saying you love me?" Jez rolls his eyes. "Because that's the most horrible thing in the world?"
Yes. "No, Jez, it's just that, you know, words aren't my forte- my area of expertise." He tilts his head, always a little unconsciously silly at inconvenient moments.
"Whatever." Jez is prepared to give him the cold shoulder.
Shit. Best stop this. Must get him to finish the dishes today.
"I… like you.” Mark groans. “And in a way that is familial—“ Ew, no, stop, “but not, as of yet, particularly romantic, I do love you… I suppose.” It’s been twenty years, I must feel something, I can’t seem to ditch the man, chrissakes.
It’s a pathetic offering but Jez, quite predictable, laps it up.
“Well done, Mark.” He smiles, stupidly sincere. “I know that must’ve been hard for you, all those daddy issues.”
“I do not have—“ Mark tightens his lips straight. “Screw you, you… cock-muncher.”
“You wish.” Jez remarks, arms crossed.
“You’ve literally offered! On multiple occasions!” Mark gestures a hand towards his pants, quick and somehow ashamed.
“Fine, out of desperation and loneliness, yes." Jez smacks his hands on his crossed arms.
"So you're saying, on a regular basis, on a day like today, you wouldn't?" Mark puts his hands on his hips.
"Maybe. What's it to you?"
He sounds hopeful! Honest to god!
"Ha— you're practically begging for it, my friend!"
"No, I'm just always desperate and lonely, Mark. Nice try."
Would it be better to hate him if he sucked you off, too? What the fuck would that say about you, then?
Mark scowls. "Well, don't come crawling for it."
"You'd so love that, Mark." Jez looks him up and down, scathing. "If I got on all fours right now you'd fucking jizz yourself."
"Would not."
"Would too." Jeremy laughs. "I know you, Mark, I can see right through those beady little eyes. You think about dominating me so much, it's actually kind of pathetic."
"Do not!" Mark splutters.
"Do too—" Jez is singsong. He's been drifting closer. "Just admit it."
"No!"
Okay. He's thought about it more than once, a few times. Just when Jeremy pisses him off! It's a ... control thing.
"Admit it, before I show you."
"Wha— Jeremy, do not!"
Jeremy drops to the floor but just sits down, criss-cross. Thank fuck.
No. Shit. He's already getting to you.
"You're a demon. An actual devil, Jeremy. Sent from Hell to ruin my life." Mark crosses his arms. "I've always been certain of it."
Jez smiles dopily, as if this is some sort of compliment.
"You've got that look in your eyes, Mark." His voice drips with condescension. Disgustingly so.
"Like I want to kill you?"
"Like you want your dick in my mouth." Jeremy shrugs. "Same difference."
When Jeremy uses his palms to push up from the ground and try to stand, something inside Mark pushes him down.
"Well— no. Where are you going?"
"Oh, Mark. Mark, Mark, Mark. You're pathetic."
"Shut up, Jeremy."
"Or what, Mark?"
Oh. Oh of course. He's got you cornered. How the fuck does he have a half-wit brain for common sense, but plays 4D chess with your dick?
"Fuck off!"
Mark just stares at Jeremy for a minute, frowning. It seems they have reached an impasse.
Jeremy makes a big show of a mock yawn. "I can sit on the floor all day, Mark."
"Thought you were going on all fours," Mark replies, irritated.
Jeremy smiles and silently complies, putting his palms on the floor and arching his back.
"This makes you so hot, Mark, I see right through you."
"Shut up, before I sit on you."
"Oh, Mark." Jez sounds positively scandalized. "Keep it in your pants. Or you know, don't."
"Beg for it, why don't you."
"Oh, Mark, please show me your painfully average cock." Jez smirks up at him.
Mark takes the bait like an idiot, pulls Jez up by the chin.
"Look here, you— you petty little leech— I'm not admitting shit until you admit you want it, just as bad. More, actually, because the last thing I need on this bloody Earth is you."
Jeremy purses his lips. "Your pants really begin to suggest otherwise."
"Really, well, check it out, why don't you?" Mark covers, but instantly regrets the second that Jez's hands are on him. No, Jez, don't—
Mark wants to growl. Yes, he's embarrassingly hard at this point.
Jez stares at his open fly, exposed briefs. "Total homo, Mark." He tsks his teeth and grabs Mark in one hand, giving a taunting squeeze. "Totally fucking homo."
“Shut up.” Mark clenches his teeth and demonstrates a superhuman amount of restraint, not pressing into Jez.
"Oh, Mark." Jez shakes his head before relenting his barely there clutch. "Why can't you just admit you like this?"
"Because I—" Mark pauses, gathering his voice to yell, contrarian, "Because I don't, Jeremy!"
Jeremy rolls his eyes, gesturing at Mark’s erection. "Right. And I'm a snake charmer. Moving everything up and down against your will."
"It's a— a physiological response, Jeremy," Mark cries. "You touched me, and— and it's been a while, and so my body responded!"
"Get over yourself." Jez has never seemed more smug than from his spot on the floor.
He looks the same way he did that day you tackled him. Smug bastard, was he getting off on that too? Mark had been too scared to check that day if Jez had been hard. Is he hard now? Almost definitely, right?
"Boo hoo, I've turned Mark Corrigan gay.” Jeremy continues. “Please, as if Johnson hadn't already beaten me to it. And like fifteen other guys at Darty."
“Darty?” Mark frowns. “Who the hell do you think I wanted to fuck at Darty?”
“Not women, Mark.” Jez shakes his head, mock tragically. He nods along as he talks, facetiously smug-sad. “I’ve always been more into women than you, which is really quite pathetic, because I’m also super gay.”
Mark feels his upper lip and nose pinch.
“But you’re bi-sexual, Jeremy. It’s not really a competition…”
“Sure, but if it was,” Jeremy sighs, “I’m very much winning.”
“Right.” Mark feels that he’s centered his composure, but replies aggressively, “Well, let’s see yours then.”
“My cock?” Jeremy asks. “Sure. But FYI it’s really not making you seem more hetero to ask me this,” He looks at Mark with the same kind of pity he’d had while describing a friend of his who’s now a heroin addict.
“I-“ Mark splutters. “Just let me feel it before I change my mind.”
Jeremy gathers up onto his knees embarrassingly fast, face flush with a sudden crush of arousal, and tears at his belt buckle.
“Shit.” Mark clutches a hand to his face, fear dawning on him with the thought that this is sex.
You’re going to have sex with Jeremy Usborne. Your roommate, your enemy, arguably your very best friend, Jeremy Usborne. And it’s not as sickening as you’d expect. In fact, it’s quite easy. Actually, whatever you were doing with women, Mark, it wasn’t this easy.
“I-I think I love you, Jeremy.” Mark splutters, unbidden and confused. Shit. Shit.
“Oh my god.” Jeremy has himself outside of his pants, but Mark can really only see his hand, everything blurred by motion. “Jesus, Mark.”
“Fuck.” Mark twitches in his shoulders. “I don’t know if I should’ve said that…”
“Who gives a shit?” Jeremy asks, suddenly wise. He’s got both hands bumping and nudging against Mark’s underwear. So very wise. “It’s hot as fuck by the way.”
“What?” Mark asks, winded by the feeling of lips against his dick. “That I love you?”
“Yeah,” Jeremy licks out. “It’s crazy.”
“You’re crazy,” Mark closes his eyes, running a shaky hand through Jez’s moppy curls. He laughs a little, feeling a sudden manic euphoria. “We’re both terribly insane.”
Jez is licking him up and down, and really it isn’t enough, it’s barely stimulating pressure… but he’s so unabashedly enjoying it, Mark could never ask him to stop.
He’s never actually seen anyone this blissed out on his cock before. Maybe he’s never had good sex? It’s certainly not a distant stretch to assume none of the women in his life had ever wanted him like this.
No, they wouldn’t have. But Jeremy’s an idiot. Beautiful, stupid, Jeremy. He loves you… Ha, idiot. Only an idiot would. Brilliant, you’ve tricked Jeremy into loving you, hopelessly naive. He’s fallen right into your trap of-
-unconditional financial support and consistent social structure-
-he’s been your bloody boyfriend, hasn’t he?
“Jez…” Mark asks, Jeremy bobbing around on his cockhead. “Do you want to have sex?”
“What am I doing right now, Mark?” Jeremy snides, seemingly irritated by the interruption.
“I know,” Mark sighs, “but I don’t mean now, actually, I mean in general. As in, more than just a one-time thing?”
“Right,” Jeremy brightens. “Like boyfriends?” He pumps on Mark absently with his left hand, once, twice. “Ugh. Mum will be so happy.”
“Oh god, Jeremy, don’t make me think of my parents. I’ll die closeted. It’s for the best.” Mark can feel his erection flagging. His face twists into a bitter scowl.
“I’ll take it,” Jeremy says. “Honest. You don’t have to tell anyone about me.”
That’s low. He’s practically your love slave.
“We can tell Sophie, I guess.”
“Right,” Jez nods thoughtfully, still circling a finger over Mark’s tip, “Probably easier that way. Us fucking and all. Both of us, two dads…”
Okay, maybe you didn’t think this entirely through.
“Back to the sexy talk, shall we?” Mark grimaces at his own wording, lame at best, mood killing at worst.
“Like what?” Jez frowns. “We were really just insulting each other.”
“Yes, exactly you- you dumb slut.”
Jez blinks a little. “Well. Okay.”
It’s the only way I can get off! Submit! Submit!
“Would you like it if I was a dumb slut?” Jeremy asks, essentially reading his mind.
“You are, Jeremy,” Mark sighs, “but yes, go ahead.”