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This was the day, it had to be the day. Richie was leaving for California in the morning. He waited too long to do this, it was foolish considering everything him and Eddie had gone through, what they did together.
Richie was relaxing out on the field next to Eddie, like many nights before this one. Stan just left, he was the last of the losers to leave Richie’s going away party. They would all come back in the morning before Richie made the cross country car trip by himself. Well, hopefully not alone.
Eddie laid on Richie's stretched arm, his legs on top of Richie’s legs. They always ended up like this, Eddie complained about the grass irritating his legs or the ground being too lumpy for his head. So they fell into this position often. Nothing too close, never in daylight.
“I can’t believe you’ll be gone this time tomorrow.” Eddie said lightly, as if trying not to speak it into existence. Richie made everyone promise not to start crying until the morning, he just wanted one last night that felt normal with everyone.
Richie just hummed a response, he wasn’t good with things like this. Goodbyes. He was almost getting tired of talking about it. He was beyond elated at the thought of leaving Derry. He promised himself that one day, he would leave Derry and never look back. He felt like it was a childhood dream. But the day finally came. Which also meant Richie had to follow through on the other promise he made himself.
Eddie continued, “I can't even think what Derry is going to be like once…” He trailed off, but Richie knew what he was going to say. Once everyone is gone, leaving Eddie alone. “I’m going to go mad here. I should’ve put in college admissions. I should have ignored my mother and just took the SATs.” Eddie’s anger was pushing through. Eddie sounded like a broken record all summer.
“You don't have to stay here, Eddie.” Richie replied, finishing the small script theyve played out for the last month. But Richie never said what he really wanted to. That was going to change tonight.
Eddie waved his arms in the air as he spoke. “You know I can’t leave, Richie!” He huffed out. “I have no money, no plan!”
“Eddie,” Richie spoke softly. “What if you came with me?” Richie held his breath for a response. He finally asked but why doesn't he feel a weight lift from his chest?
Eddie took his legs off of Richie. He knew that Richie would ask him this since the day he found out Richie was moving. Eddie had planned a script for when this time came but it was lost when Richie let the words fall from his mouth. “You want me to run away with you? Do you magically have a two bedroom apartment in LA?” His tone was sarcastic but when Eddie met Richie’s eyes, Eddie’s face was tight. He didn't want this to happen, he was having such a great time with Richie tonight. He didn't want this to be the last conversation they have before he leaves.
Richie didn't like that look but he continued. “You know I don't. But Eddie, I can't keep pretending-”
Eddie shot up from Richie’s arm, shaking his head. Richie already feeling cold from his absence. “No. No, Richie, whatever it is you are about to say, Don't. Just don't fucking say it.” Eddies breathing picked up.
“We have to have it out, Eddie. We have to.” Richie’s voice was brimming with pain, but he kept strong. “It’s different in LA than Derry. Please, Eddie. Can we talk about it?” Richie didn't know how he wanted Eddie to react but this was not it.
Eddie wouldn't look at him. “There is nothing to talk about.” His voice was strained.
“Eddie,” Richie sat up, “I have loved you ever since I’ve known you. I couldn't help it.” Eddie kept muttering to himself, still shoving dismissals at Richie. “I tried to tell you that day we first kissed-” Eddie’s back tightened at the memory. “But we never talked about it after, which was fine then, but its not anymore. Eddie, please this is my last night here.”
“Richie, please, stop this.” Eddie pleaded, he hugged close to his knees.
“I can't leave without an answer, Eds. I can't leave without you telling me how you feel.” Richie eyes never leaving Eddie. “I gave up smoking for you and I’m glad that I did.”
“Richie, we can’t-”
“What about all those late nights together?” Richie pleaded. “Those meant nothing? For fucks sake, Eddie, we were each others firsts!”
Eddie whipped around and sat on his knees facing Richie. In the same motion, Eddie shoved Richie. “Don't say that so loud!” he said in a harsh whisper. The field was empty, it was nearing one in the morning. But Eddie couldnt let a soul hear what Richie was saying. “How could you even say that out in the open?”
“We never talked about it!” Richie replied in the same tone. “And I never complained because-” Richie breathes heavily. His eyes brimming with water. “I figured you loved me.”
Eddie sucked in a breath. “Richie-” His stomach turning, he couldn't figure out why.
Richie cut him off. He already started, he has to finish. “And maybe I’m just not good enough for you. And I’m not some great man-!” Richie puts his head in his hands and tugs at his hair.
Eddie moved closer to Richie. He was going to attempt to stop Richie from yanking his hair out by the roots but the thought of comforting Richie in this moment didn't sit well. “I’m so grateful for you. And I’m proud of you for leaving this fucked up hick town but I can't- I don't- I can’t go with you. You know why I can't go with you.” Eddie could hear Richie breathing hitch as he silently cried. “It doesnt matter where we go, we just can't.”
Richie shook his head, he attempted to keep his breathing steady as he spoke. “Why can't you just tell me?” Richie glanced at Eddie, his presence seemed so far from Richie. It pained him even more. “I won't love anyone the same. I can't love someone else the way I love-”
“Jesus, fuck, Richie. Shut up!” Eddie angrily rubbed his eyes, forcing away the tears. “You are ruining this- you are ruining us! With this bullshit!” There were too many thoughts running around in Eddie’s head. Richie brought up all the memories that Eddie tried so desperately to keep hidden even to himself. Richie couldnt love Eddie, that would make everything they did too real, mean too much. “I don't like you like that. I can't like you the way you like me, alright? Are you fucking happy? Making me look like the fucking bad guy here.”
Richie’s tears continued to fall down his face, he stopped trying to clean them up. Richie forced his body to stand up. “The bad guy?” Richie croaked out. What did Eddie mean by that?
Eddie looked away from the standing Richie. There wasnt much to look at in the field, just trees and shrubs. “We would be horrible- living together.” Eddie shot back. “Not only that, but we are two men-”
“It’s different in LA!” Richie croaked out with desperation.
Eddie whipped his head back at Richie. “But would we be different?” Eddie stood up and gestured to himself. “I can't even think about the things we've done, Richie, it makes me sick.”
“Sick?” Richie’s face reacts like he just got slapped.
“I can't be a homo, Richie. I just- I just can't go with you. I can't be who you want me to be. No matter where we are.” Eddie’s heart was beating so fast he had a moment that he thought he was having a heart attack.
There was a pause before Richie replied. “You're right.” Richie raised his head to look at the dark sky. His voice was rough. “I ruined this night. I'm sorry for making you sick.”
This was not how Eddie wanted this night to be. If only Richie would have kept his mouth shut. “Come, on Richie, please!” If only Eddie could keep his own mouth shut. He wasnt helping with saving the night. “Youll realize I was right about this and you'll thank me. You don't need me, Richie, you'll find someone.” Not to mention the look on Richie’s face was breaking Eddie.
Richie spoke above a whisper. “I’d rather kill myself than think about this night again.”
Eddie stepped close to Richie and shoved him again. This was a knee jerk reaction but Eddie stayed inches apart from Richie now, with his hands on Richie's arms. “Don't say that fucked up shit. You're getting out of this town. You're right, it will be different in LA.” Silence came from Richie. It was eating Eddie up. “Richie, one day you'll find someone who will be enough for you but it can't be me.”
“I love you, Eddie.” Richie said, not reacting to the shove Eddie gave him.
“No stop. I'm awkward and I'm annoying.” Eddie didn't look away from Richie’s face.
“I love you, Eddie.” He replied in the same pain filled tone.
“You'd be ashamed of me in LA, I don't even have a job out there.”
“I love you, Eddie.” This time Richie’s voice was thick with sadness. Eddie felt defeated.
“We would fight all the time out there, we can't even help it now.” Eddie couldn't stop his breath from racing as he spoke. Why did Richie have to keep saying that? It wasn't making this any easier. “I'd hate that you're in college, you'd hate my complaints and morning bathroom routine. And we would be unhappy and we'd wish we hadn't moved in together. And everything will be ruined.”
Another pause came from Richie. “Anything else you'd like to add?”
“No.”
With a sigh, Richie closed his eyes. “One day Eddie, you'll be with someone and share all those moments you mentioned and you'll be happy with them.” Richie opened his eyes to look at Eddie, who was standing inches from him now. “And I'll watch.”
Eddie wanted to kiss him, try to make this moment better. Try to go back in time where they were laying together, watching the sky. How could Eddie shove this down once Richie leaves? This can't be the last conversation they have. Eddie let go of Richies arms and took a step back. “I don't know what else to say, Richie.” Both of them stood facing one another with ragged breathing. “I’m sorry.” Tears fall from Eddie’s eyes.
With a nod, Richie turned and headed off towards his house. Where his car was packed with boxes waiting for him.
Eddie could do nothing but watch him go.