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Jeonghan wants to be an island for people that he loves. A place where they unburden, give all their worries to Jeonghan and leave when they feel happier.
It took Chan a while to understand that’s what makes Jeonghan happy the most. To have someone selfishly trust him to take care of them and not ask for a single thing in return. Because Jeonghan wouldn’t tell him, he would just say You can tell hyung and leave the rest unspoken. Maybe he liked being a puzzle, too, who knows.
Chan’s first real heartbreak was the final realization. Barely an adult, leaving frustrated tears against Jeonghan’s pillow. I thought I could do it, he said, because Chan hadn’t yet realized that wanting something too much rarely means getting it. Jeonghan wasn’t about to let him know. He told him; Hyung will let you have everything you want.
Chan learned that on his own after all. He never let his heartbroken but there have been a few close calls as Chan let his heart open many times as he always does. Jeonghan was there to witness it all, always a reminder that if anything goes wrong, Hyung is here.
Hyung is here, he says now as he hears a sob breaking above his head. He feels fingers hold his hair tighter, while his own search for something deeper. Each whimper he takes, he feels greedy for more. So he does it again and again, until Chan can no longer give.
Chan calls him selfless but he knows it’s not a one-way street anymore. Jeonghan doesn’t complain, he already takes too much. Long ago, he asked Jeonghan in defeat,
but what if what I want to do is to help you?,
and Jeonghan brushed him off,
Don’t think about it too much,
but he still held the boy close as he felt the hands wrap around him tighter than ever before. Now, Chan takes what he can, knowing the ins and outs about whatever boundary Jeonghan has left. All he can give.