Chapter Text
If someone asked me at the end I'd tell them, "Put me back in it"
Darling, I would do it again
If I could hold you for a minute darling, I'd go through it again.
I would still be surprised I could find you, darling, in any life.
If I could hold you for a minute, darling, I would do it again.
I would not change it each time
Heaven is not fit to house a love like you and I.
Francesca, Hozier.
Darkness hits him like a blow to the stomach that steals the air, imprisons him, makes everything blur. The last thing he hears are the distant screams of the people around him shouting his name and asking for help.
His eyes close because he is not able to bear all that light, something in him knows it. Not the light from the crystal chandeliers under which he had been smiling just two minutes ago but the light from the smile of the boy his older brother's fiancé brought home with him that night.
There was too much light in that smile and the last coherent thought he had before vanishing was that the darkness is his home, something in him has known that forever. The darkness is his home and his last lair and that light that suddenly flooded everything was too intense and blinding.
The most curious thing is that now the darkness that surrounds him gives way to other images that have little to do with him: he sees himself on the back of a black horse that rides in front of a hundred thousand soldiers that are leaving behind a trail of blood and death that will be incalculable.
His eyes are filled with hate and a deep sadness that makes his heart ache. He doesn't know where that sadness comes from. He has never felt such sadness but he knows that the man whose eyes are his suffers because someone ripped a part of him, something that feels like a piece of his soul. Something for which it was worth ravaging lands and entire populations to achieve the goal of recovering it.
But nothing makes sense, he doesn't know who that person is. He doesn't know what the hell happened or why he made a fool of himself in front of his family who were celebrating a happy event. Kinn's engagement to his mysterious boyfriend who finally has a face is actually good news for everyone and now he has ruined it by making a scene like that in front of his brothers, Kinn's fiancé and his family.
It's strange but it's that feeling of ridicule that makes him regain consciousness, at least as far as the sounds of the world are concerned, they have returned to him. Around him, everyone gathered there is still whispering and he hears the voice of Tankhun, his other brother, asking someone to call his husband because his husband is a doctor and he will definitely know what to do.
Hearing the voice of his brother, Kim, that's his name, he tries to say something but still feels weak and it doesn't help to suddenly realize that in fact, his body hasn't touched the ground because a pair of skinny and warm arms are surrounding him and then his heart begins to beat wildly, as if he wanted to run away from there, as if he were terrified, excited or experiencing thousands of emotions for which there is no name.
Kim dare not open his eyes. He knows he won't be able to look at that face. The guy that´s holding him is younger than him and rumor has it a hundred times better than him when it comes to playing the piano and Kim agrees, he's already heard him play but hadn't been able to look at him until that night.
As president of the Theerapanyakul family philanthropic foundation, Kim is in charge of the grand annual concert where he and one of the Conservatory's most promising alumni will create a magical duet with him for which the foundation's benefactors will pay handsomely. And Khun had told him about that boy, about the young star of the conservatory, about that talented young man who would also seem to be part of the family.
“Is he still breathing, Porchay?” someone asks, and Kim recognizes the voice of Kinn's fiancé.
"Yes, Hia, but he doesn't seem capable of reacting," says a sweet voice that makes Kim's body feel an electric shock that doesn't make sense but, come on, nothing seems logical that night.
"Top has to be here soon," says Khun's worried voice and Kim hates to make him feel that way. “I don't understand anything. Kim has been very healthy lately. I don't understand why he has relapsed like this again.”
“It'll be fine, Khun,” Kinn's voice says. “Maybe we went overboard with the dinner, Kimhan has never been a sociable person.”
"Oh, Kinn, I won't be able to be at peace if Kim gets sick again!" Khun cries and Kim hates himself even more.
Because since he was a child, his existence has done nothing but worry Tankhun who has raised him as his son after the parents of the three lost their lives years ago when Kim was barely a year old. Since childhood, Kim has been a weak and sickly child, a child given to loneliness whose heart had felt safe only when surrounded by the crystalline music of his piano, the piano that had belonged to his mother. The piano that has been his companion even before he began to speak.
And right now he knows that he should open his eyes and stop this whole scene. Offstage, when it's just him and his piano against the world, Kim doesn't like to be the center of attention. However, he is afraid, now he can accept it.
Kim is afraid to open his eyes one more time and look again at that light-filled face. Kim knows that if he looks at him again, worse things will happen than fainting. But terror is mixed with hope and right now the hands of the boy called Porchay are touching his forehead looking for a fever at Kinn's recommendation and oh hell, the feel of those hands on his skin is terrible and glorious. There is hot and cold. There are thousands of promises that are not going to be fulfilled.
Kim feels as if he knew that touch, that softness and warmth come from a world that´s far away, a world where they both once were. And in the middle of the darkness, a new image, the image of a young prince smiling in the middle of a huge palace, forms in his mind with total clarity and that prince smiles in the same way that Porchay smiled before Tankhun could even start introducing them.
And all he thinks now is that Porchay has a beautiful face, that's the truth. Before the burst of light, Kim thought that in his life he had never been able to look at a face like this, so full of joy and purity that life and its hardships had not been able to touch. The boy was elegantly dressed and had arrived at dinner with his older brother who was Kinn's fiancé. He seemed a boy somewhat intimidated by the wealth of the enormous Theerapanyakul mansion and the bodyguards that flanked the dining room but even so, his beauty seemed to blend well with all the luxury and splendor that Kim has always been surrounded by.
"Mr. Top is here, he'll be up right away, Mr. Tankhun," one of the bodyguards says suddenly, and Kim knows that this is his cue to come back to life.
"Tell him there's no rush, I don't want to ruin dinner even more," Kim says weakly, and his eyes finally open and the first thing they see is Porchay's face.
And when he smiles at him again, this time with genuine relief, the world moves again and it's as if gravity has disappeared. And this time there's no burst of light, Kim feels like he's floating and the whole world is different. The air around him is charged with static energy. Porchay's eyes make him feel transported to a better place. Porchay is not a being of this world. Porchay transforms the world as if his smile were capable of conjuring storms and spring just by wishing it. Porchay is a cute name and his owner takes Kim´s breath away.
"Are you okay, P'?" Porchay asks, and his sweet voice directed at him feels like a caress that has traveled a long way.
“Yeah thanks, I'm sorry about all this,” Kim says and Porchay helps him sit on the floor and that seems to unfreeze everyone.
Seconds later, Khun lunges at him and Kim tries to ignore the fact that Porchay's arms are no longer around him because it's impossible to miss something you just met five minutes ago. Khun attacks him with all sorts of questions that Kim can't answer. Khun says that maybe they should change his diet again or maybe they should cancel the big concert that year or maybe they should postpone dinner to get him to a hospital because someone needs to check him.
"Khun, calm down, I'm fine," Kim says confidently. “I already told you, I won't ruin dinner for everyone. Just help me up and let's continue doing what we were doing normally, okay?”
Khun protests a bit but helps his younger brother to his feet and everyone present, even the bodyguards, breathe a sigh of relief when they notice that Kim is able to stand.
"I'm afraid I scared you, Nong," Kim says with a heavy heart but forcing himself to be a decent host and walks over to Porchay who is now standing next to Porsche, his handsome brother. “Nice to meet you, my name is Kimhan Theerapanyakul.”
"It´s okay, P'Kimhan, I´m Porchay Kittisawat" Porchay says, giving him the ceremonial bow. “Nice to meet you too.”
"This guy hasn't stopped talking about you since he first got to see you play at the conservatory, you're something of an inspiration to him," Porsche says with a bright smile and Porchay glares at him, something that makes Kim smile in a weak way
"Don't listen to Hia , P'Kimhan ," says Porchay.
"Kim, I'm just Kim," he says making the boy smile at him again and oh god, he has to escape that dinner, he's not strong enough to bear the light of that smile. “Welcome, it's a pleasure to meet you too, P'Porsche.”
Porsche smiles back, and Kim can perfectly see why Kinn fell head over heels for him. Porsche is elegant down to the last detail, but there is a hint of coquetry in him that could cast a spell on anyone. However, it is Porchay who appears to be from another world and Kim doesn't understand why but his eyes seem to be summoned to him. Now that he's overcome the fear, it's like he can't take his eyes off Porchay.
Porchay is about to say something else but just at that moment, Top, a young and quite attractive doctor, enters the room and walks directly towards Tankhun who greets him with a distracted kiss and asks him to check on Kim immediately.
"No need, Top, everything's fine, I swear," Kim says and walks over to his brother-in-law who insists that he better check it up right now.
"Something like this hasn't happened to you in a while, Kim, it's actually something worrying that it happened so suddenly, I must check you out as soon as possible," says the doctor.
"We'll do it after dinner, Kinn and Porsche don't deserve me to keep ruining such a special night for both of them," Kim says flatly. “Now, we can continue with dinner, I'm starving.”
Kim smiles in that cold way he always does, it's his public relations smile and his older brothers know it but neither of them insists because they know that when Kim says no, no one will change his mind.
So, dinner is served and everyone eats willingly, except Kim who plays with the food breaking it into small pieces that never touch his mouth. His stomach is still churning and he feels like he's fighting a war he won't win as he tries to take his eyes off Porchay Kittisawat who seems to have suddenly become the center of conversation because Porsche thanks Tankhun for the Theerapanyakul Foundation scholarship Chay has had since he was in high school. Porsche says that was the reason he ran into Kinn in the beautiful halls of the Conservatory of Music, because the two met at Chay's first audition.
And Kinn says he owes all the happiness in his life to Porchay and Kim thinks his brother is disgusting. But then Porchay smiles red-cheeked and there it is again, the breathlessness, the desire to run away or stay there forever trying to figure out if he could make this boy, Kinn's brother-in-law, smile the same way at him. And the desire to be able to do something like this baffles him as he discovers that he can't take it anymore, he can't stay there, that has been enough.
"I don't think the food went down well at all," Kim says suddenly and the laughter stops and everyone looks at him again with some concern. “I'll be in my room, Top can come check on me when dinner is over. I'm so sorry about all of this, but I'm happy for Kinn and Porsche, please keep celebrating without me.”
"Kim, I thought you and Chay could chat for a bit after dinner," Tankhun says and Kim feels his stomach drop at the thought of being alone with the guy. “You know, because of the concert.”
"Nong Porchay, could we talk tomorrow?" Kim says looking at the boy who simply nods a little embarrassed when he feels Kim's eyes on him.
Kim tries to smile and without waiting another second, the young man leaves the mansion's dining room and runs to his room on the top floor followed by the watchful footsteps of Big, his personal bodyguard who never lets him out of his sight and who has become his shadow over the years.
"Get the car and my guitar ready, we're going to Yok's bar," Kim says with an icy voice.
“Are you sure, sir?” Big asks with a hint of concern that makes Kim roll his eyes.
"Yeah, I'm not going to stay here and wait for Top and Khun's drama," Kim says, loosening the knot on his tie. “Get the car ready, I'll be down right away.”
Big nods knowing his boss's orders shouldn't be questioned when his tone of voice is so cold and Kim reaches his bedroom simply to go straight to his dressing room. The young man immediately changes his expensive midnight suit for a pair of tight pants, white T-shirt and a black leather jacket that makes him look a little more dangerous than before. Kim messes up his hair, adorns his left ear with a white gold hoop earring, and decides he looks good now. Now he looks exactly like WIK.
An icy smile appears on his face and the boy walks with a determined air towards the entrance of the mansion, which fortunately is far enough from the dining room. No one will notice that he has come out. No one knows anything about WIK and those late-night getaways that are so usual for Kim actually.
Arriving at the car where Big is waiting for him, Kim notices that his guitar is also ready in the backseat and Kim thinks that his trusty bodyguard deserves a raise.
"Come on, the live shows start at midnight," Kim says and Big nods as he puts the car in gear without commenting further.
Kim doesn't feel guilty running away from home, the only condition that Tankhun put when the young man had asked for a little more freedom, was that Kim go everywhere with Big and that's what he's doing. Kim just wants to forget about everything, forget about that burning sensation that continues to burn his chest with a fire that, apparently, will never calm down. It's unbelievable but Porchay Kittisawat's smile keeps haunting his memory. That smile and the other images that keep coming back to him like they're never going to leave him alone and Kim doesn't understand anything, nothing makes sense.
That is why he must lose himself in the darkness of Yok´s bar stage, that place that he discovered two years ago on a night very similar to this one, a night where he felt trapped. The bar is far from the city center, it is not one of those fashionable places that everyone knows but rather a discreet place where all those people who do not want to be recognized go to hide. It was in that bar where the story of WIK, the dream singer whose real name nobody knows, began to take shape.
WIK goes on stage without a set schedule, no one knows if the night will bring him to the bar or not. WIK does not obey any boss, he never talks to the public, he never promotes himself, it is as if he did not want others to know about him, his talent and that deep and melodic voice with which he usually enchants everyone who listens to him.
When Kim gets out of the car, he does it with a smile and covers his eyes with the dark glasses that are another of the special components of WIK's costume. Yes, WIK is one of the many masks that he uses every day, but that one, that of the anonymous singer, is undoubtedly his favourite.
"You came, WIK," says a woman with long dark hair and a curvaceous body who welcomes him with a huge smile that shines a little more than the pearl necklace that adorns her neck and that enhances the color of her burgundy dress.
“Can I sing tonight or am I here too late?” Kim asks.
" The stage is yours even though there aren't many people, it's Monday after all," she says calmly.
"It doesn't matter, just...”
“You just need to sing, I know. Do it, they will go crazy.”
Yok winks at him and Kim smiles gratefully as she walks away to continue checking on the bar. Kim walks onto the stage drawing the eyes of the customers who, although not many, are enough to make the magic happen.
Kim pulls out his white guitar without much thought and plugs it into the amp on stage like a pro. As his hands tune the beautiful instrument, the boy notes that the transformation is about to take place and that none of the people watching him right now could even suspect that he is the same boy who plays a Steinway piano every day , nor much less than wearing a fancy and expensive suit.
And when he begins to play the strings of his guitar, nothing else exists. His fingers that are so adept at recreating the concertos of the classical masters are now creating the melody of a song that he himself wrote and that can only be played on that stage. And when his voice joins the guitar strings, Kim knows that the spell of oblivion has begun and that he won't have to think about anything until he returns home, that house where surely Porchay Kittisawat's smile will continue to shine without him being affected by so much light.