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Wash’s toned arms pulled Doc’s still clothed hips flush with his own, slowly grinding against them. Doc let out a few light moans into Wash’s mouth which was currently locked together with his own in a sensual make-out session. The slow burn of the intimacy was something Doc hadn’t experienced in so long since he usually ended up with partners who liked to play rough, not that he minded Wash’s usual aggression, but sweet love making instead of fucking was welcome change from the norm. Wash pulled away from Doc, a slight spit trail following his lips, and latched his mouth to Doc’s neck, starting to suck and lightly scrape his teeth on the crook where Doc’s neck met his shoulder.
Doc moaned and whined, hands moving from fisting the blankets to wrapping themselves in Wash’s blonde locks. The foreplay was driving him crazy and they were both still fully clothed, he was growing ever impatient with being pinned to the bed and kissed relentlessly. “Wash…” Doc whined, prompting a bite to the neck from Washington is retaliation. Doc fisted Wash’s hair even harder, barely making sure he wasn’t pulling too hard, and closed his eyes, leaning into the sensations on his neck. Doc started to babble a little. “Ooh, Wash… Your hair is- your hair is perfect! It’s just like the sun…” Doc stopped talking when he felt Wash freeze and pull off of him.
Doc opened his eyes once again and looked up in confusion, only to see Wash leaning over him with his facial features contorted into a look of frustration. “Wash?” Doc voiced his concern. “Is something wrong?”
Washington closed his eyes and shook his head. “No, there’s nothing wrong.” Doc didn’t believe him, of course, and made the motions to sit back up only to be thwarted when Wash leaned back down and slammed their lips together. Doc could tell Wash was just trying to avoid the situation, shut Doc up so they could continue what they were doing and so he struggled to get out from under Wash’s hold. Wash wasn’t exactly making that easy for him and tried his hardest to distract Doc in any way he could, pinning Doc’s hands to the bed and keeping their lips locked together. Eventually Wash had to let off to let them both breathe properly and Doc took the opportunity to rip one of his hands free and push lightly yet firmly at Washington’s chest. “Wash, you’re scaring me.” Wash pulled away completely this time and released Doc’s other hand, looking down in shame.
Sitting up fully this time Doc put a hand on his lover’s shoulder and sat there in silence for what felt like an eternity, Wash occasionally glancing up only to look away when he met Doc’s eyes. The mood they had built up a few minutes ago was completely dead in the water.
Wash finally lifted his dead, still avoiding eye contact. “I’m… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just… I just-“ He started to wring is hands as he struggled to find the words.
“Wash, it’s alright.” Doc reassured him while moving his hand from Wash’s shoulder and threading his fingers through Washington’s fidgeting hands. “I’m not mad at you, you didn’t hurt me at all.”
“But-“
“Wash.” That put an end to Wash’s protests. Doc cupped Wash’s cheek in his hand, gently turning Wash’s face so they were finally making eye contact. “I’m the one who should be apologizing to you, right? What did I do wrong?”
Washington stopped his fidgeting and brought his own hand up over Doc’s, leaning into the loving touch. “You didn’t do anything to apologize for, it’s nothing important.”
“Wash. I don’t want to be the one that hurts you. I want you to be able to share this with me, you already heard everything I had to say about my own problems with O’Malley. I want to be there for you, too.”
Wash sighed, closing his eyes and nodding. Opening them once more he removed Doc’s hand from his face. “Just give me some time to find the words.” Doc smiled at him and pressed their foreheads together. “You can have all the time in the world.”
It was about an hour of sitting in silence, Wash laying on their bed and staring up at the ceiling and Doc lying next to him with his arm stretched across Wash’s chest. Eventually, Wash turned so that Doc wasn’t able to see his face anymore and started talking. “Back… back in Freelancer, you remember how I said I was in a relationship with Maine?” Doc nodded silently, even though Wash couldn’t see it. “Well, after he got Sigma he started growing… distant. It felt like we weren’t even together, really. Around that time everything was starting to unravel, falling apart. Even before Epsilon I felt like I was suffocating. Eventually, I kind of found something to cling to… in a way.” Wash paused for what felt like an eternity. “I entered a relationship with the Director.” Doc couldn’t stop the “Oh.” That escaped his lips.
Wash paused again, holding his breath like he was waiting for his death. When he realized Doc wasn’t going to say anything he started breathing again, ready to continue. “I don’t really know how it happened, it just kind of did. On one hand I was a little afraid of what would happen if I said no, told him it wasn’t right. On the other hand… I guess I didn’t really mind it.” Wash shifted to lay on his back, still not making eye contact but Doc was thankful he was less guarded. “I would probably even say it was nice for a little. He treated me pretty well, it was behind closed doors of course, but eventually I realized he wasn’t even seeing me, just looking right through me.” He sighed. “Once I got Epsilon I finally understood why the Director would always say my hair was ‘as radiant as the sun’, he said it to Allison all the time. We have the same hair color, I guess he figured I was the closest thing he could get that would still say ‘yes’.”
“After that, well, you know what happened. I was hospitalized, project fell apart, all that stuff.” Wash shifted once again so that now he was finally facing Doc, tucking the medic’s head under his chin and holding him close. Doc leaned into the hug and listened to Wash’s heart beat steadily. “Between Epsilon and the crash landing I never really got closure for any of it. I slept with someone I shouldn’t have, even cheated on Maine. It’s never come up before so I didn’t know it would set me off like that, I’m sorry.”
Doc lifted his head as far as he could and kissed Wash’s neck. “You don’t have anything to apologize for, those mistakes weren’t yours and you aren’t to blame here.” Wash opened his mouth to protest but Doc kept going. “It’s not your fault, Wash. You just need time to heal, like you did for Epsilon.”
Wash moved to sit back up and Doc came up with him this time, slightly worried he may have said something wrong again. He was relieved when he saw Wash smiling instead. “If you’re not going to let me apologize for earlier than at least let me apologize for not telling you sooner. I was just worried about how you would react.”
“Wash, even if you never find a way to get the closure you want, I’ll always be right here by your side. I love you.”
Wash inhaled sharply. It wasn’t the first time Doc had ever said that but after forcing himself to talk about his past it felt like he’d never heard those three words before in his life. He planted a brief kiss to Doc’s forehead and squeezed him tight.
“Thank you.”