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the sunlight was peeking out through the window of my bleak, dark, and cold room after a rainstorm i could hardly sleep through. it was so cold, and so dark and almost melancholy. i look around the room to see my only friend sleeping on the old, beat up off-white couch right next to my bed. i don't know how he slept through a rainstorm, and i don't know how he's gonna sleep through what's about to happen.
i look around the room again and again, around 3 times. i begin to list the things i hate about it, and the things i hate about myself. my hands start to shake and i feel my eyes fill with tears. i don't know what happened. i never cry. my parents taught me to be a good kid and never cry. it was a pussy thing to cry. especially right next to someone. i hug my knees and lay my head in them while a few tears slip from my eyes.
the sun was starting to shine more but i couldn't care or notice enough now that i'm bawling and whimpering into my own knees. i'm trying so hard to be quiet so i won't wake eric up. he looks so peaceful there with his messed up blonde hair and my shirt on. i don't know why he has it, but it's normal now. he just borrows my clothes. and when he gives them back, they always smell like him. a sweet scent of a warm meadow, strawberries and tears. sometimes cigarettes.
i wonder if he cries, too. i bet he does, because sometimes when he gives my shirts back they have dried tears and cigarette holes on them. i would get mad at first but when he explained i understood. when he told me, he would lay his head on my shoulder and tell me everything. he would tell me that the cigarettes were from him, but i know they weren't.
when we were younger, i would hang out at his house. and his dad had no shame in beating him right in front of me. and what he especially did was put out his cigarettes on his own son's arm. but he never cried. he would just tell me he's okay and move on. i seriously think that he thinks that i don't know. i know he cries and i know how much it hurts.
and i don't even know why i cry anymore when boys like him exist. i should be glad i'm not them, but i'm sad because i'm not with one of them. i love eric. but as a friend. i don't think i love him romantically. i don't think i love anyone. i wouldn't know. i don't know the difference between love or just being desperate. so i really wouldn't know. maybe i do love him.
i sob into my own knee until i'm startled by the sound of my own best friend's voice. "man, what are you doing up. go to sleeee- oh." he noticed i was crying and i just sob harder. he immediately gets up and sits right next to me and rubs circles on my back. "hey, hey, what's wrong? it's okay man, calm down, breathe" and i feel like i can't breathe. so i just sob out an "i can't. i can't." it hurts. it hurts so bad. i want him to take away my pain. i want it to all be okay.
i sob into his chest instead of my knees. he pets my hair and keeps whispering "it's alright alex, you're okay, it's okay," it's kind of pathetic to be trembling and sobbing in someone's arms. "i'm sorry, i'm sorry," i repeat over and over again.
"it's okay, i promise, everything is okay," and i wish he was right. he's so sweet but so, so wrong.
soon enough i stop crying and i just whimper into his arm. he continues to rub my hair and back and tell me it's okay. when i'm fully finished, i just lay there in his arms. it's so nice there. it's so warm. i finally catch my breath and he just smiles. "you let it all out?" i nod. i'm usually the one without emotions and we both know that.
"so, what was wrong?" and i lift my head from his arm and begin to speak. "it was just- all these assholes at school. i feel like i'm different, or crazy- or.. i don't fuckin know. there's just been something that leaves an aching feeling in my chest everytime i think about it. it hurts. it hurts so bad, eric." my eyes start to water again as i ramble on. i wish i could tell him that i think i seriously, really, really do like him.
“it won't hurt anymore when i deal with them. they're gonna be six feet under. i'm not letting anyone hurt you, alex. even if it's your own emotions.” i know he really can't kill our schoolmates and especially can't kill my homosexual feelings but it seriously comforts me to think he would try just for me. i can't help but laugh.
“you?? beat someone up for me?” i keep laughing like an idiot until i see his little stupid confused face. “yes, did i make myself clear?? dID I SOUND FUNNY-” he has a terrible voice crack and we both start laughing. i could never stay serious with him. he looks so pretty laughing like that in my oversized U2 shirt.
soon enough, he's under my arm and i'm running my fingers through his pale blonde hair. he smiles like a baby kitten at me and that's when i realize that it was true that i really really do love eric. i love his little smile when he likes something. “you're cute.” i blurt out to him, and i immediately feel like i just said the worst thing ever.
my stomach turns and flips and soon enough sinks. i feel like i'm gonna throw up. he just laughs. “really, alexander? really?” he says with a smirk before moving his head to sink his teeth into my arm. “dude what the fuck” is the only thing that could come out of my mouth. i'm vomiting my own words at this point.
he keeps giggling and biting me because he thinks it's funny. i just sigh and pet his head again. “you can stop now,” but i actually don't really care. if it makes him happy, i'll do anything. “okay, but as long as you tell me why you said that, alright ALEXANDER??” he gives me that weird smirk he always does when he says my full name. “ ‘cause i can.” and he bites me again. “nuh uh, gimme a valid reason.” and i feel my face heat up.
“it's ‘cause recently i've been feeling a lot of feelings that i wanted to discuss with you. but i also wanted to keep them down until they were over so i wouldn't stress you out,” i pause for a moment before he gives me a signal to go on. “so all I had to say was that I think I really do love you. like, as more than friends. i don't know how to explain it, but you're so perfect man. i want you to take all of my pain away. and i was so confused when i realized this because i hardly love anyone.. and i now just realized how much of a soft spot I have for you and your pretty blue eyes and soft baby kitten smile. so, all I had to say was I love you, and if you don't feel that way, I wouldn't really mind. i just want you happy, eric.”
and when I look at him, he has a weird look on his face. “don't make me cry, man..” he pauses and hugs me tight. “i love you too. so much.” i feel my heart skip a beat. i just relax into his warm embrace until the hug stops and i just look at him awkwardly, biting my lip. we don't really know what to say so he just pulls me down and grabs my hands and starts kissing me, i nervously kiss back and he tastes like lemons and something that i had always longed for.
he feels like nostalgia and his hair is so bright. i never expected myself to love someone so much. i'm so glad that he could be mine.. because it would hurt for somebody so brilliant to not like a nobody like me. he feels like rain on a summer day and looking in the attic to find all of your old toys and you begin to cry from how much you missed them.
i wonder if he has ever saw the stars and wondered when it would be the day someone is watching them with him.
because i know that one day
i will be watching them with him
naming all of them while he watches in awe.