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Light rain pounded against the windows as Jack and Rayane sat together at the table. They ate without saying a word. Actually they just sat at the table, looking at their plates. No one dared to touch their food as if it were poisened. And no one dared to speak after Jack speaking out loud what was bothering him for quite a while.
„He‘s obviously crushing on you. I can see him looking at you with those eyes and you.. you are flirting with him. It‘s like you want the attention and I‘m right there.. feeling left out. Feeling like you don’t need me. Everything was great and now you have someone else that makes you happy.. and I..,“ his voice broke and Rayane could see the water in his eyes, he quickly wiped them away with fast movements while he continued to speak. „I can only think of how much you deserve to have someone to make you happy. You fell in love with me when I was disabled and maybe I'm not interesting for you anymore. Maybe I'm even boring for you.. I know we spend a lot of time at home studying.. but if that's not enough for you then you‘re free to go,” he said, sniffling away the tears that had build up in his eyes.
It felt like Rayane’s heart was bleeding. There it was. The discussion he feared that would come again. He hoped with their making up two months ago everything was good again, but after a short while in silence Jack’s anger just pured out of him. His words flood the room, leaving Rayane’s chest hurt just from the sound of it, but there was also a lot of anger inside him. Disappointment even. For Rayane this wasn‘t something he needed to discuss. It was rather Jack being overall dramatic about something that wasn‘t even a thing.
"What's wrong with you two?" Romy asked as she joint them and sat down at the table with them. She probably didn’t felt the icy cold left by the silence as she entered the room.
"I don't know. Ask Jack. He's bringing things back to the surface that were buried long ago… We don‘t need to discuss everything ALL OVER AGAIN, Jack,” Rayane hissed while his body moved his arms and head to underline his annoyance about it. His voice reflected the anger he felt inside. He swallowed deeply while his eyes rose from the edge of his plate to face Jack for the first time that evening.
„This is hurting me. You are acting like it is nothing what I’m feeling. Like you’re the only one allowed to decide about wether if it’s something worth discussing about or not… I know you love me, Rayane. But sometimes love just isn’t enough,“ Jack said, leaving a short silence. Enough time for Rayane to swallow his hurting words. ‘love sometimes isn’t enough‘, the words repeating itself in his head over and over again.
He had been seeing Diego for a few months now, and it hadn't been a problem until now. Everything was good. He had also spent a lot of time with Jack and Diego together and he had become good friends with him. At least that’s what Rayane thought. But after Diego recently talked about a new (boy) crush and had thus come out as bisexual, that was it with the harmony in their relationship. Diego’s outing wasn‘t something that changed anything for Rayane but for Jack it was obviosly different. He was even annoyed if he would only mention Diego‘s name. Rayane didn't understand. Everything was settled for him. Rayane had already tried to convince him that he only had eyes for Jack. That his feelings for Jack were so deep he could barely breathe without him. But for Jack it clearly wasn't enough.
„I don‘t understand where all of this is coming from. We already talked about it. It wasn‘t a problem then, why is it a problem now? He‘s bi, and? It‘s not that I would like run to him the next possibility and leave you for him. DO YOU THINK SO LITTLE OF ME?.. AM I AN ASSHOLE FOR BEING MYSELF FOR ONCE?“ Rayane asked. His facial expressions hardened as he said the last part out loud. What was Jack thinking about him? It was important to Rayane to know about Jack’s thought‘s about him. After all these months with Jack he was his rock. He was his whole life and if he would just have the slightest doubt in him it would break Rayane. He needed the stability of their relationship. He needed Jack, but with every word that left their lips the stability callapsed.
"You don‘t understand this? Do you want me to repeat it for you? He also likes MEN. You're a men and you've been spending quite an amount of time together lately. I don‘t get to see you that often anymore,” Jack said dejectedly and Rayane's heart sank a little deeper in his chest. Jack's cheeks were flushed and Rayane knew it was bothering him. But he didn't know what else to tell him to prove that he was the only one for him.
Something next to him moved uncomfortably and Rayane could see the depressed expression on Romy's face. "Boys. Please. You guys clearly love each other, just talk and consider your feelings.. I'll clean this up and then head to Karim's. He wanted to meet me before the storm gets worse. I’ll leave you to talk this out.. I love you both!" she said and with a kiss on Rayane's head and a whispered "It's okay to give in sometimes," in Rayane's ear she was gone.
„It‘s no big deal Jack. Nothing will happen between us. We are friends. That's it.. I love YOU. How many FUCKING times do I have to say that before you finally get it?” he said with an angry voice. He couldn’t think straight when Jack was upset like that.
„You don‘t get it, Rayane. You don‘t look beyond your feelings. It‘s always like this. You are hurting me with it and I can‘t deal with you anymore!“ Jack raised his voice and stood up. The chair squeaked on the floor and only now did Rayane hear the pouring rain and the hissing wind from outside.
„What’s that supposed to mean ‚I can’t deal with you anymore’? You talking nonsense Jack. You can’t argue about MY feelings for you. This shouldn’t be a problem unless it’s an excuse to leave me for good. Is it that? Because if it is then you can leave RIGHT KNOW.. I‘m who I am and not gonna change because you feeling bothered by something non existent,“ Rayane hissed back while slumping his chair. He was getting angry because of Jack’s way of seeing things. He knew his reaction was because of the heat of the moment. The fear of losing him tingled deep in his chest. Leaving it burning from the pain he felt inside.
„If you really feel about it like that, then yes. YES. I will leave you alone so you can be ‚who you are’ without ME being in YOUR way,“ Jack shouted. It was the first time ever he heard him shouting at someone. The first time he shouted at him.
The sudden outburst of his anger got him by surprise. He wasn't the kind of guy who got upset easily. He was calm and always had a solution to any problem. But not with this one. This problem was more for him and Rayane just didn't understand. Didn‘t understand the jealousy. He felt the pressure on his chest as Jack tried to move away from the table and automatically, without much thought, he grabbed his hand. The panic of losing him was rising in his chest and his face immediately softens just thinking about it. Everything that was bottled up until now hit him hard as he realized that with everything he had said he pushed Jack further away from him.
"Please don‘t go. Please, Jack.. just.. just don’t go,” Rayane whispered because he couldn’t say it out loud. His lips were dry and he could almost taste the fear of losing Jack on his tongue. The sudden change of his own emotions left Rayane with an unknown and deep burn in his chest, making him close his eyes for a second to adjust himself to it.
"Why?" Jack asked dryly, his facial expression full of emotions while his eyes were filled with pain. Rayane felt it sting inside him by the sight of it as he opened his eyes again.
„We will talk about it. I will listen to you and we‘ll find a way to make you feel better,“ Rayane suggested. His hands grabbing Jack‘s, but he let go of it as soon as he heard Rayane’s words.
„To make me feel better? What are you implying? That I‘m the problem?“ Jack said, a bitterness in his voice.
„No, no, no. It‘s just.. ughh.. you are clearly hurt by something and I need to understand why!“ Rayane answers. Both just standing in his living room, just a few steps away from his kitchen table with all of the leftovers from today’s meal.
„Maybe it‘s to late. Maybe you should‘ve listened better when I told you already. I‘m not some toy you can toss around and play with when you are feeling like it, Rayane. I‘m an human out of flesh and blood with actual feelings. You should’ve taken me seriously when I asked you to, but you’re just busy to admit to yourself that something is wrong with us and something has changed!“ Jack said bitter. Tears ran down his cheeks and so did Rayane‘s.
While Jack turned around and made his way out, Rayane just stood there. His reflection was reflected in the TV in the living room. An all to familiar picture of himself. The broken boy, left by someone he loved.
He closed his eyes. He wanted to say so many things to Jack but nothing came out of his mouth. ,You are everything to me. I fell in love with you when I was on the ground and you healed me, not the other way around. You are right, I was blinded by anger and you were the one who believed in me and gave me confidence with each day that passes while suffering inside..', but none of it left his mouth.
He heard the door slam shut. A loud bang echoed in his ears and made him wince while a chill ran down his spine. Rayane had been so intent on not being like his father that he shielded his world from every word that Jack said. He ignored the warning signs he had been showing from their first discussion and tucked them deep into a pocket. Now that Jack had let it all out and confessed his worries to him, it was Rayane who didn't step out of his comfort zone to finally listen to him like he deserved.
A loud thunder interrupted his thoughts and made him wince again. It was winter. Jack had walked out into a cold winter storm. He left without a jacket and Rayane had let him. He hadn't wanted to continue the discussion. He felt something was wrong all along, but he hoped the problems would go away on their own if he just stubbornly ignored them.
He made him feel uncomfortable with his own words. Reality hit him hard. With that he had made everything worse and let go of the only good thing in his life. Rayane shook his head wildly. No. That‘s not what he wanted. He let Jack go altough it‘s everything his heart told him not to do. His body soon reacted to his realization and he continued to move. He walked quickly into the hallway and grabbed a warm winter coat. He slipped in his shoes and run after him. To fix it. To prove himself that he was better than his father. To prove Jack that he‘d changed and that he was proud that he wasn‘t the jerk he pretended to be anymore. Jack saw right through him back then. Rayane was deeply in love with him and every day he spend with him was like he would blossom all over again.
His heart was beating fast as he ran across the street. His gaze fixed straight ahead to try and see Jack through the pouring rain. As lightning lit the sky, Rayane screamed his name. "Jack!" he shouted loudly. His eyelashes blinked at the raindrops from his eyes. "Jack!" he again shouted desperately, and while he could feel the desperation in his chest he wasn't sure anymore if the wetness on his cheek was from the rain or from his tears, which kept running down his cheeks.
"Jack, please!" he called out, his voice broken and hoarse. The smell of wet grass filled his nostrils and made him breathe heavily. He had already let Jack go too many times. Fled situations like this in the past to avoid feeling the pain. All the painful moments with his father had made him panic, but he couldn‘t hold on to his past when his future was slipping away because of it. The pain that ran through his body felt like fire. Like a sharp knife cutting through his skin and muscles and he was screaming inside, begging for it to stop. It was like fighting himself to find the strenghts to keep on looking for Jack. To fix everything he had broken with his hurtful words. He finally needed to talk about it. Talk about his past. About what was bothering Jack and what Rayane did to make him feel insecure.
"Jack!" he cried. He could barely see as he stumbled around the streets looking for him. Another flash lit up the sky and suddenly he saw the outline of a person in front of him. Jack. He sat on a stone bench by the side of the road and stared at the ground. "Jack!" Rayane gasped in relief as he stepped closer. His wet hair dripped onto his forehead.
„Why would you storm off into that storm, Jack? I was afraid of not finding you. It‘s pouring like crazy. Please we should just go home. We can talk this out. Or we could just be quiet.. or I go somewhere else, but please.. just come home with me!“ Rayane begged. His voice desperate and his hands touching Jack‘s yellow sweater Rayane loved so much. It was soaked and Rayane was sure he would get sick if he stayed out much longer.
„I.. I don‘t want to talk right know,“ Jack said. His voice was shaking as his whole body was too. Rayane took off his jacket and put it over Jack's shoulder.
"Here, you're freezing. You need it more than I do!” he whispered and stroked Jack's back again while sitting down next to him on the cold stone bench. The anger already forgotten because all he could think of was to take care of Jack. The rain seeped into his thick cardigan as he wrapped a hand around Jack to give him warmth.
„I‘m sorry. I’m a jerk sometimes.. You know, I told you at the school the first time we met,“ Rayane said to him and smiled slightly when he remembered the moment of meeting Jack.
„I know..,“ Jack sight and sat up straight. He looked broken and Rayane couldn’t believe he was the reason because of it.
„Should we go home?“ Rayane asked, hoping to get Jack to move from the rain. It was all he could think about right know. To keep him save.
„Yes!“ Jack answered and they silently walked home. All the way back Rayane could feel the tightness in his throat with every step they were closer to his home. He could feel the throbbing pain in his head from all the shouting and he could feel his emotions were out of place because of all of it.
When they arrived at home, Rayane helped Jack out of his wet clothes. Being close to Jack was good and he had the feeling that he was able to cure, just for a brief moment, his inner wounds caused by the argument. It was like breathing again after diving into the water for too long.
When Jack did the same and lifted Rayane's cardigan carefully over his head, he closed his eyes to take in the moment as if it could be the last one he would get. The last look, the last touch.
He wanted to concentrate. He wanted to talk to him and give Jack a chance to get something off his chest. But as Jack stepped closer after throwing away his soaked cardigan he forgot all about it. All his resolutions. He just enjoyed the tingling in his chest that immediately replaced the throbbing pain that was there just minutes before.
He could feel the warmth of his body as Jack stepped a little closer. His eyes finally fixed on Rayane’s, like he was the only thing in his world. The green-blue that fascinated him from the first time he saw the beauty of them in the hospital. He loved him and with every touch of Jack’s hands that explored his chest Rayane could feel the tension building up inside him. All this month and he was still driving him crazy, since the first day he saw him in school. Rayane couldn’t wait anymore and closed the gap between them to kiss him passionately. His lips salty from his tears but he couldn’t care less. He needed to show him his love and if Jack wouldn’t believe his words he needed to feel it. Rayane knew, if everything could fix anything just for a brief moment then it was touching Jack, feeling him close and taking in all of him.
With gentle touches he stroked over his naked chest. The coldness of the raindrops left with every brush of his hot fingers on Jack’s body. The beating in Rayane’s chest quickened. He caught the smell of his perfume. The sweetness but also the freshness of the smell of Jack’s shampoo in his dark wet hair. Some messy curls building up against some flattened ones. Rayane wanted to touch everything, but first he needed to make sure that it was what Jack wanted too.
„We shouldn’t do that,“ Rayane whispered breathless against his lips. His eyes locking with Jack’s and he could see them darkened by passion and lust. A whisper with a meaning that was deeper than it could sound for every other person, but for him it meant more. It meant that he was ready to give all of him away.
„No.. we shouldn’t,“ Jack breathed back and didn't let a second pass before putting his lips back on Rayane's. Agreeing on their unspoken bond of love.
He felt the tingling in his chest continue and as he felt the fire in his stomach burn he only could think about how good it felt. How good he made him feel with every touch. How perfect their body’s fit against each other. And with every passionate look into his sparkling eyes, Rayane wanted to make sure Jack felt loved with every touch and every kiss he left on his body.
After both of them were left breathless intertwined in each other Rayane finally found his voice again to take the word.
„We should have a talk about it,“ he whispered. His heart beating wildly against Jack’s chest.
„I agree,“ Jack said while closing his eyes as to wake up from a dream.
„I‘m sorry Jack. I truly am. I should’ve listened sooner.. and more.. you were hurt and I tried to ignore it. It wasn’t my intention to mess with you in any way,“ Rayane said while he looked at Jack with a sad expression on his face. This whole situation had deeply hurt him too.
It felt good for Rayane to have a talk like this. Their bodies were one and he could feel every heartbeat of Jack’s. It was like presenting himself the most vulnerable while talking about their deepest fears.
„It’s just.. I know you wouldn’t do anything with Diego, but I’m somehow jealous. Jealous that you spent so much time with him and it feels like you finally opened up with him and with me.. we’re not quite there yet. It made me feel very insecure. I love you, but I‘m so terrified you‘ll walk away just like you did so many times before. The fear of you not coming back to me is always present,“ Jack finally let Rayane in on his feelings that was bothering him.
„I.. I understand.. It’s hard you know.. talking about it, but.. it’s kind of easier to share with someone who’s been through similar stuff. I didn’t want to shut you out. It‘s like the last thing I would’ve wanted to be honest.. I don’t tell Diego everything you know. I rather tell you and I should‘ve told you many things sooner, but I didn’t wanted to bother you with my past when you‘ve been through bad stuff yourself.. You are so strong, Jack. I admire you for it,“ Rayane smiled with the last part. Jack was the strongest person he knew.
„I don’t feel strong when I’m not with you. Maybe it’s why I‘ve been so anxious about Diego. He seems like a really good guy and he’s a really good friend. I was just scared of losing what we have,“ Jack said while brushing with his fingers slightly over Rayane’s chest, leaving a tingling in his body everywhere his hand went.
„He‘ll never be you. You are special to me and what I‘ve been feeling with you, it’s something I‘ll never feel with anybody else. I love you, Jack. From the bottom of my heart. You need to know how much I adore you. How much you give me when you’re with me. Just you being by my side will make me the happiest I could ever be. I‘ll promise you deeply that you’re the only one for me,“ Rayane whispered as he took in the smile building up at Jack’s lips again. Making him feel like he just won a marathon that was impossible to win.
„I‘ll promise you something else,“ he said while taking off his ring that he always wore on his finger.
„I‘ll promise you that I‘ll look after you and consider your feelings first thing before doing something that might upset you. I can’t promise to not leave in certain situations, but I can promise you to be aware of your feelings and hearing you out before I‘ll leave any situation again,“ Rayane said holding the ring to Jack while he looked at him with big and surprised eyes.
„What are you doing Rayane? Are you proposing?“ Jack asked. His voice a mix between fear and happiness.
„No, no, no.. not yet at least. I‘ll give you this ring I’ve nearly kept my whole life. Actually, my father gave it to me, it belonged to my grandfather. Mom said grandpa wanted me to have it after grandma died. My father never wore it, but it was the ring my grandfather wore after marrying my grandmother.. and to me it symbolizes the commitment of being the best self you can possibly be for this one special person in your life that is your future. I‘ll give it to you as my promise that you are my future. You alone. Will you be my forever, Jack?“ Rayane’s heart was beating hard after he spoke it out loud and his fingers were shaking as he held out his ring. The one thing he never took off, unless it was urgently necessary.
„I.. I don’t know what to say?“ Jack whispered. His facial expression’s unsure of what to do next and Rayane could feel the fear of being rejected by giving all of his heart away. His eyes watered as he starred blankly at Jack.
„Of course I‘ll be your forever, Rayane. You are my forever too, but you really don’t need to give me your family ring if it means this much to you,“ Jack finally said and Rayane could finally let out the deep and painful breath he was holding onto for too long.
„I really want you to wear it. At least until we’re a little older for me to pay for a better ring for a real proposal,“ Rayane smiled at him. His eyes clear and honest.
„I’m really looking forward to it!“ Jack laughed and pressed a loving kiss on Rayane’s lips.
After both of them smiled at each other Rayane put the ring on his finger. It was a promise to Jack, but much more a promise to himself to be the best he can possibly be, and even more important, to be the happiest he could ever be. Because Rayane knew with Jack everything in life was possible and if this was his life for eternity, then he wouldn’t want it any other way.