Work Text:
Azriel knew it would be hard. He knew it wouldn’t be easy, because unfortunately, nothing about his life was ever easy. He felt terrible roping his mate into his own terrible luck, his own awful fate, and watching her suffer just because some higher power decided this Shadowsinger shouldn’t be happy.
She didn’t get out of bed. She didn’t eat. She woke up in the middle of the night crying. And when Azriel rushed in from across the hallway, his heart wrenching itself to pieces at the sound of her tears, she could barely look at him, shaking uncontrollably. From that point on, it was Feyre that went in to help her, to hold her. Azriel could only watch from the doorframe, tears in his own eyes at the sight of Feyre rocking his mate in her arms, whispering to her while she sobbed, gently rubbing her back. Azriel wanted for it so badly to be him instead of Feyre.
During the day, she was easier to approach. When her mind wasn’t full of the nightmares she endured, he was easier for her to look at. He would enter his bedroom, his mate tucked tightly beneath the thick covers. He almost didn’t see her at first, used to her slight glow reflecting off the bed sheets. He hadn’t seen her glowing since she turned her back from him in the rain.
He would walk around the side of the bed each day, and sit down on the floor beside it, his mate laying on her side in his bed, just staring at the wall in front of her. He scooted closer on the floor, gently resting his chin on the mattress, his scarred hand lifting to rub her hair. He noticed it was beginning to get matted and made a note to try and figure out how to get her washed.
Her eyes slowly connected with his, but she didn’t say anything. The sadness that reflected in her gorgeous eyes made Azriel want to cry. It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. An angry, spiteful male ruined her life. Azriel knew he was not going to get away with it. This wasn’t over.
“I love you.” He whispered softly to her, smiling gently. Her pupils dilated at his words, and although she didn’t say it out loud he could feel it clearly across their bond: I love you, too.
Azriel told her about his day, about what he was doing. He told her that Duna had healed exceptionally quickly, and that she asked to see her every time they checked in on her. He told her that Duna was safe at the House of Wind, where no one could hurt her anymore. He told her that Nuala and Cerridwen were becoming quite the spymasters themselves, but left out that it was because of his own absence. He didn’t tell her that he couldn’t work, that he couldn’t focus on anything but her.
He also didn’t tell her that they were tracking down the males that did this to her. He didn’t tell her that they were going to find them, and that Azriel wasn’t going to show them any mercy. He doubted that telling her any of this would give her any sort of comfort. So he didn’t say it.
As Azriel talked to her about the rest of the Inner Circle, he could see her starting to relax more and more. He could see her eyes starting to hold a little more life to them, and could tell that she was listening to him. He smiled widely at her, and his heart soared when she smiled softly back at him. My mate. He thought, and wished he could kiss her.
When Azriel spoke to her like this, it was easier for her to open up to him. Azriel would talk for a long while, gently rubbing her head, and she would talk to him in pieces. Bit by bit she would open herself up, and although Azriel had already seen it all from her memories, he knew it was important for her to talk about it.
She swallowed thickly, tears filling her eyes, but they didn’t fall. Azriel wanted to tell her that it was okay for her to cry, that she shouldn’t hold it in, but he was afraid that if he spoke, she wouldn’t say anything. So he let her continue.
“I knew…” She started, her voice cracking and soft from lack of use, “I knew, in the back of my mind, that it wasn’t you.” She took a deep breath, her eyes beginning to drift away again. “When my head was clear enough, I knew. Your shadows were gone. Your hands weren’t… scarred. Your eyes weren’t the right shade.” The tears started to pour over now, her hand reaching out from under the covers to take Azriel’s hand, gripping it tightly.
She held his hand to her cheek, her thumb gently brushing and tracing the scars on his hand. Her next words shattered Azriel’s heart even further than it already was.
“So… why is it still so hard to look at you?”
Azriel sighed, feeling his eyes starting to water. He leaned closer to her and wiped her tears as they traveled over her nose. He wished he could take those memories from her. He wished he could make it all better, make it all go away, so she wouldn’t have to suffer like this. He would gladly take her place if it meant she would glow again. If she would just smile again.
“Someone hurt you while wearing my face.” He responded, his voice soft, “These memories and nightmares that you have contain my face .” He blinked hard and willed his tears away, for the sake of his mate. “It was meant to hurt you. To hurt me. Hurt us. It’s not your fault…”
She squeezed her eyes shut and cried softly, leaning her face into his hand.
“I should have known,” she whimpered, her voice breaking Azriel’s heart, “I should have seen it. I shouldn’t have let my guard down. I should… I should have - I-” She shook her head and just cried, her shoulders shaking through her sobs. “I should have known .”
Azriel shook his head, wishing he could get into the bed with her, hold her close to him.
“ It’s not your fault. ” He repeated, staring into her eyes. He debated telling her anything more for a moment in his head. He didn’t want to hurt her more, but at the same time it seemed like her own pain was eating her alive. He decided to tell her.
“It was planned.” He whispered, and he watched as she locked eyes with him. “Anwir was behind all of it. He only wanted you killed. When the Illyrians… took matters into their own hands, he needed to get creative.” He continued to rub her head, gently wiping away any stray tears with his thumb. “He had to spin it, spin your memories to Thesan; that you had found your mate, fallen in love, and didn’t care about the Dawn Court or Thesan anymore. He filled Thesan’s head with your betrayal for weeks while you were still asleep. He hoped Thesan would enact the sentence for treason and execute you, so that he would still have his way. But I think Thesan, in the back of his mind, knows that it just can’t be true. But since Thesan is not daemati, he only knows what Anwir fed him. You couldn’t have known. It was not. Your fault.”
She let go of his hand, tears still falling from her beautiful eyes, and extended her hands out towards him. Azriel immediately knew what it meant, could feel it through their bond that she needed him. He jumped to his feet, trying not to move too quickly as to startle her, and lifted the covers so that he could slide into the bed in front of her. He softly took his hands and helped her move over, his hand wrapping gingerly around the cold hardness of her prosthetic before lifting it and moving it for her. It was heavy, Azriel realized, and knew part of it had to be Anwir’s suggestions. Anwir needed to be certain she could no longer be Head Guard, whether that meant she was dead or grounded, it didn’t matter. He had succeeded.
He laid down in the bed in front of her and immediately pulled her to his chest, his broad arms wrapping tightly around her smaller frame, seemingly getting smaller by the day. With one hand behind her head, woven in her hair, and the other around her waist, Azriel held his mate closer to him, burying his face into the top of her head as she cried into his chest. His heart was so full of love for her, he worried it might burst.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered to her, gently rubbing her back, wishing he could make it all better, “This is my fault. I never should have let this happen to you. I was supposed to protect you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Dove.”
Her only response was to continue crying, her face buried in his chest, her hands gripping tightly to his leathers, as if she might be taken away again at any moment. Azriel held her just the slightest bit tighter. He would never allow that to happen ever again.
After another few minutes of warm, gentle cuddles, Azriel looked down at her hair again, almost matted beneath his fingers. He knew it would be time to go soon, but he knew that when he got back, he would try to convince her to get clean, even to brush her hair. He hated seeing her like this, in such a state of pain that she couldn’t even get out of bed. He wished he could make it all go away. He wished this never happened in the first place.
Azriel blinked away his teary eyes and gently kissed her on the top of her head, his hands continuously rubbing her back. “I have to go now.” He whispered to her, although he wanted nothing more than to stay here with her for the rest of time. For however long she needed, whether it be for eternity or not.
“Please don’t go,” came her whisper, so soft Azriel almost didn’t hear it.
Azriel smiled softly, kissing her head again and using his hand to gently lift her face so that she was looking up at him.
“How do you expect me to say no to you?” Azriel asked with a smile on his face, and his heart soared to the sky when she finally gave him a small smile back. “There’s that beautiful smile.” He whispered, leaning down to pepper her cheeks, nose, and forehead with feather-light kisses. Her smile got a little wider with each kiss, a small giggle bubbling out of her. Azriel never felt prouder of himself in his life.
Azriel pulled away and for a moment they locked eyes, smiling at each other. Although his Dove’s smile was small and her eyes still held that sadness, it was a start. Her healing had only just begun. And Azriel was going to be there for her through every step of the way. But right now, he needed to leave.
“I love you so much.” He whispered, knowing he had never spoken something so true, so right, in all his hundreds of years of living. “But there’s work I need to do. With Cassian and Rhys. I’ll be back before you know it, okay?” Another few kisses to her face, feeling his chest start to fill with light each time he managed to make her laugh, “And then when I come back, we can get you clean. Okay? And then we can just lay here for the rest of our lives. Deal?”
He could tell that she was disappointed that he was leaving, and although he was upset that he needed to go, he was happy that she wanted him to stay. He could feel the comfort he brought her down the bond. He hoped that everytime she looked at him, she saw him , and not the males in that cave. Who were going to be found. Today.
“Deal.” She whispered, smiling sadly, and nestled her head into the pillow. Azriel wanted to lean down and kiss her, to really kiss her, but he doubted she was ready for it. He would wait as long as she needed. Even if they never kissed, if they never fully indulged in their bond, that would have been alright with Azriel.
After one last kiss to the top of her head, Azriel slipped out of the bed, away from her warmth, and tucked her back in. He brushed the hair from her face, smiling and wishing her a farewell before forcing himself to leave the room. If he stayed for just a second longer, he worried that he might not be strong enough to leave her. He shut the door softly behind him, staring at the door to her old bedroom as he did so, knowing the inside was still destroyed. In due time.
He made his way down the stairs, beginning to feel determined as he locked eyes on Cassian and Rhys waiting for him in the den. The three of them locked eyes, not having to speak to fully understand each other. Rhys looked on knowingly, his eyes sad for his brother. Azriel couldn’t stand to think about how they must have pitied him, how badly they must have felt.
“Let’s go.”
Cassian and Rhys stood at his cue, and the three of them exited the townhouse and took to the sky for the Illyrian camps. It was time to find the other three males that did this to her, and bring her justice. Anwir had only asked they kill her, but they decided to take matters into their own hands. If they were going to kill her, the least they could do was have some fun, right? Especially with the female that the Shadowsinger they hated was so clearly in love with. It was too easy of an opportunity not to take. Too much fun to be had to simply pass up.
One of the four males Azriel had already killed in the cave. He regretted acting so quickly. That male didn’t deserve a punishment as easy as death. The other three, he decided, would not be able to go so easily. The other three had hundreds of years of pain in store for them.
The three of them landed with a boom onto the muddied ground of the Illyrian camp, and silence descended upon the busy community. The three brothers together very rarely meant good news. They didn’t say a word - only stalked their way through the camp in search of the males. They didn’t know exactly where they lived, but between Azriel’s shadows, Rhysand’s daemati abilities, and Cassian’s knowledge of the camp and those that lived there, it didn’t take long to find the first one.
Azriel kicked down the door to the cabin, watching it as it flew to the other side of the room, hitting the wall with a loud bang. The male and his wife inside stood up suddenly, eyes wide. The three of them stalked in, Azriel leading the group, and when they locked eyes Azriel recognized him immediately. He was ready to pounce on him when he noticed their bed, just a few feet to the right of him. Azriel turned his gaze to the bedding; a pillow with red spots clinging to the pillowcase. He walked over, picking up the pillow and ripping it open, and watched as white feathers slowly cascaded back down onto the bed. A few of them fell faster, clumped together; heavy and stained with dried blood.
His shadows started to fill the room, casting the entire cabin in darkness. Azriel couldn’t even hear the male start to scream as he descended on him, his vision flooded red.
When Azriel came to, he was looking down at his scarred hands. They were covered in blood. He was breathing heavy as he looked up to two of the remaining three Illyrian males, chained to the walls of his prison, unconscious from the torture he enacted upon them. From the sight, he knew it was their blood his hands were drenched in. And it felt good . It wouldn’t be long until they were begging for their deaths.
Azriel looked to the left, to the empty spot on the wall where the third one was supposed to be. That’s right, the third one. The one that used the glamour, the one that pretended to be Azriel. They only just learned from the other two what he actually looked like, and Cassian and Rhysand were working on finding him now. It might take another day, but Azriel hoped he was locked inside his home, shivering in fear, knowing what was coming. Azriel hoped he would get to him before he did anything to himself to keep from meeting his fate. That male was going to get it the worst of all. Kissing his mate. Azriel needed to squeeze his eyes shut, or he would black out again and accidentally kill them.
She’s asking for you. Came Rhysand in his mind, and Azriel felt his hea clear just a little bit further. Come to think of it, he could feel the bond in his chest tugging just a little bit harder. She wanted to see him. She wanted to see him.
He immediately winnowed back to the townhouse, but stopped himself when he walked through the front door. He couldn’t see her like this. He was covered in blood. The sight of him might take her back to the cave and they would lose all the progress they had made. He shivered at the memory of his own face, laughing, hands coated in her blood. He clenched his fists as he walked into her old room, slipping into her bath and quickly washing himself clean.
He redressed and basically ran across the hall, knocking on it quickly before gently cracking the door. Azriel couldn’t believe how excited he was to see her again, especially now that she had asked for him to be there.
His Dove was laying in bed, still under the covers, but was awake. Just staring at the wall, like Azriel normally found her. Some of the excitement left his bones at the sight, as the reality of it crashed back down on him again, as he took his position on the floor beside the bed. He scooted forward until his cheek rested against the mattress, his hand reaching out to gently brush against her cheek, her hair.
“Hi, Dove.” He whispered to her, watching as her eyes slid over to his. She smiled softly, her own sad stare softening when she saw him. She didn’t say anything for a few long, agonizing moments.
“Why aren’t you in bed?”
Azriel couldn’t contain the smile that overcame his features, standing to his feet before sliding into the bed for the second time that day, wasting no time in wrapping his strong arms around her and pulling her closer to him. He sighed once he felt her body against his, and closed his eyes against the top of her head. They fit together like a puzzle piece.
He breathed her in, listened to her heartbeat, felt her against his skin. She was alive. She was alive, she was safe, and she was where she belonged. Right next to her mate.
“I heard you asked for me,” he whispered, gently kissing the top of her head, “I’m here now. Is everything alright?”
She shrugged softly, eyes closed against his chest as she breathed him in, too. If she could smell any blood or the scent of the Illyrian camp, she didn’t bring it up. “I had a nightmare, and… I wanted you to come back.”
Azriel just nodded his head, his hands continuing to rub her back. “I’m here. I’ll always come back.”
Azriel could sense that she was starting to fall back to sleep, and Azriel was embarrassed to find that he was starting to doze off, too. He took a glance at the window - it was still day. When was the last time he, Shadowsinger, Spymaster, took a nap? Looking down at his mate, he knew that she wasn’t getting the best sleep. Her nightmares probably had her woken up constantly, afraid to fall back asleep. But when she was there, in his arms, surrounded by his shadows and his scent, her sleep was peaceful.
He rubbed her back gently as she fell asleep in his arms, and with a yawn he decided that maybe he should indulge just this once, allow himself to take a nap. He had never known peace like this until he met his mate, until he laid in bed with her, falling asleep tangled in each other’s limbs. He was so full of love for this female, wrapped tightly and safely in his solid arms, he thought his chest might explode. He still couldn’t believe he’d found her. His mate.
He closed his amber eyes and allowed himself to drift off. He shivered just a little bit at the slight chill - it was beginning to get a little cooler, the days getting shorter as Fall came closer. Azriel held her tighter, drew himself closer to her warmth and her to his, and drifted off to a light, dreamless sleep.
When he woke, blissfully peaceful, he glanced at the window to find it nearing sunset. The grumble in his stomach reminded him what time it was - he figured that he might have already missed dinnertime. He knew that no one wanted to interrupt whatever progress he was making with his mate.
Azriel looked down to see that she had, in her sleep, snuggled so far into Azriel’s chest that if she could get any further, she’d be under his leathers. Her face, turned upwards, was smushed gently against his chest, her cheek warm and flush against his shirt. He could only smile, watching her as she slept. He wanted so badly to lean down and kiss her, to cup her face in his scarred hands, to deepen the kiss until she was awake, whimpering and needy for him-
Azriel blinked hard, shoving the dirty thought from his mind, and opted instead to pepper kisses all over her face. He started gently at her cheeks, then her eyelids, her nose, forehead, temples. She groaned softly, shaking her head back and forth, sleepily trying to escape the romantic onslaught, bringing her hands up and gently pressing up against Azriel’s face.
Azriel laughed softly, ceasing his attack, and watched as she stretched in his arms and slowly opened her eyes. She smiled softly, her eyes still a little blurry.
“Hi,” she whispered, rubbing her eyes.
“Hi.” Azriel responded, unable to keep the smile off of his face. His wishes, his dreams, had finally come true. He was in bed, with his mate, and he was so, so in love. He only hoped she would be able to handle all the love he was going to give to her. “I think we should get out of bed, and get you clean. Hmm?” He asked as he squeezed her to him, snuggling deeper under the covers, “And then we should find you something to eat.”
“But I’m… I’m not hungry.” She whispered, slightly muffled from where she stuck her face in his chest. “Not yet.”
“I know,” Azriel responded, rubbing her back, “But you should still eat something, my Dove. Let’s just start one step at a time. Let’s get your hair washed.”
Azriel was happy to see that she nodded her head, slowly untangling herself from his arms so that she could sit up, maneuvering with a heavy leg so that both legs hung over the side of the bed. Azriel frowned at the sight - she was so thin, so pale. Although she shot him small smiles, he could still see the intense sadness, the horrible grief and pain, that sat behind her eyes. Eyes that used to shine, skin that used to glow. He missed it terribly.
(Y/N) stared down at the golden prosthetic, the heavy appendage that grounded her, made her unable to fly. It seemed to glow, seemed to mock her in its loudness, its obnoxiousness. It demanded to be seen, demanded to be felt. She wrapped her hands around the high part of the prosthetic, the upper thigh, and pushed down on a few specific pieces. With a clicking sound, she scooted back, taking the prosthetic off.
Azriel swallowed thickly at her leg - or lack thereof - and the weight of it that hung in the air between them. Her leg was completely missing, save for just a very small piece leftover from her upper thigh. A gold band wrapped around the edge of it, and Azriel realized that was how the prosthetic attached itself to her leg. Azriel didn’t realize she was crying until he noticed teardrops fall onto her lap and pat gently onto the golden leg on the bed.
He immediately took her into his arms, cradling her to his chest. With one hand behind her head and the other wrapped around her back, he gently pressed her face into the crook of his shoulder, shushing her softly and holding her tightly. Azriel stood to his feet and walked into the attached bathroom, glaring down the prosthetic as he left, as if it were alive. Fucking Anwir.
Azriel sat down with her at the side of the tub, still holding her in his lap, and rubbed her back gently. He whispered to her that it was going to be okay, that he loved her, and that he would always be there for her. He would never leave her side.
The tubs in the townhouse were large - they could easily fit more than one person and with a little extra room, too. The tub in his room was deep and wide, perfect for a relaxing soak. While she continued to softly cry into his shoulder, Azriel twisted his body so that he could reach the faucet to the tub and turn it on, beginning to fill the tub with soothing, hot water. She sat upright in his lap, staring into his eyes, wiping the tears from her own. She looked so sad, so pained, and Azriel’s heart could only break at the sight. He wished he could take it all away from her.
“Turn around.” He whispered as he reached for the hairbrush, and once she had done so, still sniffling, he started to gently brush her hair. It had gotten longer since he had last seen her, the ends of it matted after days upon days of staying in bed. He started working on the ends, softly and slowly untangling the knots, careful not to tug too hard, lest he trigger a bad memory. Based on how she closed her eyes and leaned her head back, Azriel could only imagine it felt good.
He continued to work on her hair until all the knots were out, brushing it out from top to bottom for a few more swipes. By that point the tub was filled, the water having stopped. The room filled with steam, the edges of the tub lined with bubbles from the soap in the water.
“I’ll let you get undressed and get clean.” Azriel smiled, gently kissing his mate on the cheek before standing to his feet and getting ready to leave the room.
“Where are you going?”
Azriel stopped before he reached the door, and in shock turned around to look at his mate. She was asking him to stay. While she bathed. He swallowed thickly. Were all of his dreams about to come true?!
“Do you… want me to help you?”
She nodded softly. “I want you to take a bath with me.Will you? Please?”
All of his dreams were coming true!!!
The Shadowsinger smiled, nodding his head softly. “Of course I will.”
He walked over and helped her to stand, balancing on one leg, and helped her as she pulled her nightgown over her head. Although she wore nothing underneath, Azriel was surprised to find that he… didn’t have the inclination to look. Not yet. She still needed him, still needed his comfort, and he doubted that ogling over her naked form would give her much of that. He had hundreds of years to worship her body. Right now, she just needed his love and gentleness. And he would give it to her.
Azriel lifted her gently into the tub, lowering her softly down into the hot water, and smiled as she sighed. It probably felt so good, and Azriel couldn’t wait to join her. He tried to ignore how light she had become, how thin she was. He was going to do whatever it took to get her to eat.
He quickly undressed behind her and slipped into the hot water beside her, both of their figures hidden by bubbles. She opened her eyes once he was in the tub, smiling at him, and by the look on her face, Azriel could tell how relieving and relaxing the hot water was. Azriel could only smile back at her, approaching her slowly. She didn’t flinch away from him, only stared back into his eyes.
“I love you.” she whispered, and Azriel was so overtaken by emotion - love, happiness, pure joy, that he took her in his arms again, bringing her close to his chest. She laughed softly as he took her to one of the benches along the wall of the tub, sitting down on it and placing her gently on his lap. He made quick and efficient work of wetting her hair, lathering it with soap, and expertly massaging her scalp. She groaned softly, and Azriel had to swallow thickly at the sound, needed to ground himself.
He worked on her wings once her hair was clean, taking his hands and gently lathering the feathers, trying his absolute best to ignore the sounds it brought out of her. After her wings he worked on her body, scarred hands running gently over her skin, over her arms, waist. His hands hesitated at her chest, but she didn’t flinch away, so he cautiously continued, his soapy hands roving gently over her breasts, unable to keep himself from gently squeezing. Her head fell back onto his shoulder, and she gently whimpered under his touch. He knew between the two of them how desperately they wanted to complete the bond, how desperately they wanted to continue, how harshly their instincts pushed them on. But Azriel knew deep down that she wasn’t ready, and wouldn’t press any further. He gently washed her off, lifting her and placing her on the bench and off of his lap. He wondered if she could feel his pressing need up against her lower back, and if she did, she didn’t say anything.
He very quickly washed himself again beside her, and made note of how she watched, gently smiling, seemingly captivated by him. He lathered his hair, smiling over at her.
“Can I help you, Dove?”
She laughed at how the tables had turned, how it was now her that was staring at him, and shrugged her shoulders.
“I really like your tattoos.”
Azriel glanced down at his chest and arms, at the black swirls that were tattooed there, like shadow or smoke. He smiled back at her, shrugging his own shoulders in response.
“Thank you.” He responded, moving towards her and leaning forward, taking his hands and placing them around and behind her on the lip of the tub, encasing her between his arms. He stared down at her from his greater height, water dripping from his hair and down his face as he looked into her eyes. He waited for a sense of fear, hoping this position wouldn’t startle her, and was happy to find that it didn’t.
She stared up at him for a long while, just staring at him - at his eyes, his hair, his cheekbones, his jawline… his lips.
“Please kiss me.” She whispered, and Azriel wasted no time in giving her exactly what she wanted. He leaned down, connecting their lips, one hand coming from the edge of the tub to gently cup the back of her head. Fireworks went off behind his eyes, brighter than Starfall, brighter than the sun. His chest filled with light, his eyelids grew heavy and warm. He could hear his heartbeat starting to pick up, could hear hers as well. He greedily reached down and wrapped his hands around her waist, pulling her closer to him, drinking in the noises she made as he deepened the kiss.
Although he wanted to keep going, although he wanted to bend her over the edge of the tub and fuck her until the only thing she knew was his name, he pulled away and took her in. Her lips were swollen, eyes lidded, and her brows were furrowed. She was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.
She swallowed hard and nodded her head in understanding, in agreeance, in appreciation. She looked away, the blush on her face plainly visible, and tried to hide her embarrassment. Azriel leaned forward and softly kissed the top of her head. They didn’t have to speak to know exactly what the other wanted to say: I love you.
Azriel wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to him yet again, unable to come down from the high of what it felt like to have her skin on his, to have her so close to his chest. He held her in the tub, swaying gently, and together they talked in hushed voices, faces flush from the steam, until the water ran cold.