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They’d only been parked up for the best part of ten minutes but already the air was tense and the windscreen and windows were fogged up. Rachel tried her best to launch into ‘Steamy Windows’ but that just got a filthy look from Gill. She’d also tried her best to lighten the mood by repeating the Peter Kay joke she’d heard on the radio on the way to work. But Gill remained stony-faced. And a stony-faced Gill was not a pretty sight. So Rachel bit the bullet and went for it, after all, it was her stupid idea to meet Gill alone.
“Boss. I'm sorry. I was a twat. If you let me explain...”
Gill wastes no time cutting in right away, “Indeed you were. And really I can’t think of any reason that you’d think calling me pissed at half eleven at night was remotely okay – besides that glaring and obvious word there Rachel - ‘pissed’ which just about sums up the state you’ve been in the past few weeks.” Gill shook her head. As smart as she was she had no idea why her best young detective was on such a suicidal career course and she had no idea how she was meant to handle it.
“I’m sorry. Really I know I keep saying it but I know what’s been going on now. I’ve finally got my head around it. I’ve made such a mess of things, I really didn’t mean to, I wasn’t sure how to handle it so I’ve been getting pissed a lot I know, and I know my work has been shit...”
Gill was tempted to interject with a sarcastic comment – such was her anger and confusion at the minute but the old heartstrings were being tugged again and so she felt herself mellow, just a little bit you understand.
“Come on then, out with it Rachel and I swear it had better be reason enough for me to not kick your arse back down to uniform.”
“This is really hard for me to say because once it is out there I can’t take it back, and I’m scared Gill but I’ve got a crush on you. More than a crush. I think I’m in love with you, I dunno…And you can sit there and tell me a thousand ways how unprofessional it is, and trust me there is nothing you can say that I haven't already thought of, of you kicking me back to uniform one of them, or kicking me off the team. I’ve already analysed everything you might say or do and it’s always shit, so go ahead and surprise me.”
Gill sat there in stunned silence. This was not the response she had been expecting. Like Rachel, she had gone over and over again in her head what was causing her to act so stupidly, and not one of the scenarios involved her having a crush on her. She was for once speechless. And she was acutely aware of the younger woman staring at her, wanting her to say something but she just had no words. In all of her professional life, she could honestly say that this was a first. She cursed herself inwardly and tried to think of something sensible and not patronising to say to her.
“Do you feel better for telling me?”
“I don’t know. I feel like a twat. I know I’ve been acting like a total fuck up lately, but with you retiring and these feelings I haven’t known what to do or say. Drinking has been my salvation and I know it is unprofessional and I get that, but I haven’t known what else to do. I can’t tell anyone, even Janet...It has been so hard, and I am so sorry to drop this on you like this. I thought it best to do it out the way of prying eyes.” It had been Rachel’s idea to meet up on the outskirts of Oldham, out near some derelict factories, somewhere private where they could talk with no fear of being seen.
Gill nodded, relieved that Janet hadn’t been a confidant. It was bad enough that Gill had once made a completely inappropriate joke about Rachel once when she and Janet were having after-works drinks. She played it down the next day and Janet nodded wisely and seemingly bought Gill’s ‘too many drinks’ explanation. They had never mentioned it again but occasionally when she was with Rachel she would see Janet giving a knowing glance at them or a smirk.
Gill can’t quite remember the joke, but it was completely inappropriate for someone in her position to make about a subordinate. Her cheeks flush slightly in the car and of course, Sherlock bloody Holmes notices.
“Have I made you uncomfortable? I’m really sorry, that was never my intention. I’m not gonna make a pass at you or anything like that.”
Gill shakes her head and laughs. “Don’t be a daft sod, I’m fine I was just thinking about something.
“Something that made you blush?”
“No. Yes. God, look…” She knows Rachel is like a dog with a bone when she gets something in her head. “I once, once made a slightly crude and offensive comment about you, not in a bad way, bad for me to have said it you understand, but it was about fancying you, that was the gist of it.”
Now Rachel looks stunned. “What? But you don’t right? It was a joke?
Gill looks uncomfortable now. “There might have been an element of truth to it, but I would never act unprofessionally. You do know that?” She scoffs a little inside as the voice in her head reminds her of the times she would find herself staring at Rachel’s legs, admiring her mouth when she addressed her.
“Christ even this, I should be bollocking you in the office for your behaviour of late. It’s only because your half-best is better than some of the others going full pelt. That’s why I haven’t chucked the book at you. And that is not like me. I’m going easy on you kid because I do have a soft spot for you. But we can’t ever be more than this. Not while I am your boss. Do you understand?” she asks gently.
Rachel nods miserably, still digesting what Gill had told her. “But you do like me? It’s just the whole ‘professional’ bit getting in the way?”
“I like you a lot. Is it a crush or love hell I don’t know. I can’t answer that honestly because I don’t know, I can’t allow myself to think like that or we’d both be out of a job, and really we are both bloody good coppers. We just need to find a way to move past this, without you going on an all-out bender okay?”
She’s trying to be as kind as she can be but each word she says hurts her more than Rachel will ever know. Gill won’t divulge the internal struggle that she has felt. It wouldn’t be right, not now. Not after she has taken this stance, but deep down she is hurting, saying what she had said had just reinforced what she knew had to be. There could be nothing more, not now, maybe not in the future depending of course on where their professional paths take them. This was the right path.