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"You killed Death?" Castiel is staring at him in disbelief, blue eyes wide and confused, his usually soft lips pressed into a hard line.
His nostrils are flaring like a bull in rage, shoulders tense underneath the ruined fabric of his trench coat.
He actually looks kind of terrifying.
Dean isn't sure if it's the aftermath of the spell Rowena cast on him or the anger he developed while listening to the latest Winchester fuck ups.
It's probably both.
Sam is shuffling his feet next to them, gaze averted from Cas' angry form.
Dean knows his brother is uncomfortable, knows that there is guilt written all over Sam's face and it doesn't feel right.
He swallows meeting his friend's eyes with the same intensity.
Though 'friend' might be the wrong term here, considering he almost killed Cas the last time they saw each other.
Dean figures putting 'Dean's friend' on the long list of exes that has become Cas' life like 'exangel' and 'exsoldier' doesn't make that much of a difference.
„There was no other option, ok? He was gonna kill Sam!“
He internally winces at the hard tone in his words but his glare doesn't waver.
There's something soft and understanding entering those blue eyes now, something he knows he doesn’t deserve, forcing the ice that had been there to melt and Dean's heart aches at the sight. "I'm not asking you to kill your brother, Dean."
The angel sighs, shoulders slumping forward.
"I just wish circumstances were different for once."
There’s a thin layer of sweat covering his skin and streaks of blood smeared across the bags of his eyes, making him look tired and vulnerable.
Dean feels his nails digging into the skin of his palms as he fights the urge to step forward and take this man into his arms.
It doesn't seem like a good idea considering the elephant in the room.
Sam shifts, finally turning his head towards their friend in an almost apologetic way, like maybe he can sense what's going on. „I know. Me too, Cas."
They share the secret smile of brothers in arms and Dean feels a yearning, wishes he could be a part of this again. He clears his throat, forcing the emotion out of his vocal chords: "So how do we deal with this whole darkness crap?"
Cas just shrugs in a way that’s entirely too human and, again, it makes Dean wonder how much of his grace is even left. "I honestly have no idea.“ There’s a fond little smile on his lips. „Leave it to the Winchesters to release an evil that predates creation." He ends with a chuckle and Dean blinks, trying hard to swallow around the lump in his throat.
There's a sharp noise cutting through the silence that follows and it takes him a second to recognize it as Sam's ringtone.
"Jeff? Did you find something?... Ah yeah that's great. Ok." The younger Winchester gestures to the Impala, nodding along with the voice at the other end of the line. "Yes. Ok. I'll be there in ten." Cas looks at them expectantly and Dean steps back, feeling a sliver of hope as Sam hurriedly pockets his phone.
"Jeff found some books that actually seem helpful. He's at the library right now." "Great!" He's already at the front door of the impala when Sam stops him. „
What?" At this point he’s so on edge that he volunteered to do research so what could possibly make them stop now? “It's just a few books, Dean." He directs a pointed look at Cas who is still standing at his spot, looking lost and awkward,
like he's not sure if he should offer his help (Oh please, god no) or just leave.
But then again, he probably doesn't have enough mojo left to zap around like he used to and Dean has no idea what happened to the Lincoln but it doesn't seem to be anywhere close. "Exactly! We don't need four people looking into that!"
He can feel irritation in the pit of his stomach, making him push forward.
Making him want to take Sam and his car get the hell out of here.
Like maybe if he puts enough distance between them he can pretend that he didn't ruin everything. That he didn't shoot an innocent kid the last time they saw each other. That the blood on his hands didn't belong to Cas and that he didn't betray or hurt the only person apart from Sam who still believed in him.
Sam is looking him straight in the eye and he's got that determined expression that's even worse than the hurt puppy look. His words are slow and it really makes Dean want to punch something.“I’m gonna meet Jeff while you two talk it out."
He curses under his breath, but his brother has already snatched the keys to the Impala out of his hands and is making his patented bitchface like he's just about done with Dean running away.
Ok, so maybe he wasn't as subtle as he thought and maybe the scream of Cas' name when he woke up covered in sweat this morning wasn't simply in his head.
He sighs, grinding his teeth as he takes a step back, all the while glaring at Sam, who gets in the front seat of his baby anyways.
Dean can feel his stomach twisting as he watches his brother drive away before slowly turning to face the angel.
Maybe it's only fair to give Cas the chance to tell him to fuck off and never call again after breaking his bones, death and the rest of the world but that doesn't mean Dean wants to hear it.
Castiel's head is tilted in mild confusion, brows drawn together and frown deepening as he watches Dean awkwardly shuffling closer again.
"Weren't you supposed to go with your brother?" His tone isn't exactly ice cold,
but it still lacks the warmth of their former conversation and Dean aches at the sound of it. "Uh... Sam's got it covered…
“ There's a long pause in which neither of them really look at the other and it’s strange and awkward Dean really wants to fill it with something. Anything. Dammit. He clears his throat "Do you... I don't know wanna get a burger?“
Smooth, Dean Winchester, real smooth.
Cas frowns and simply shakes his head. Like the idea of having lunch with Dean is something totally out of question right now and Dean feels a knife deep in his guts.
A sweet, longing ache like homesickness.
Cas is staring at him again, like he used to before all of this shit happened, but it's different now, leaving the bitter taste of bile in his mouth.
The eyes looking at him are still the same, still as soul piercing and simply Cas, but the familiar spark is gone.
A midnight sky without stars, as tired as the greasy ebony bangs and the frown on his split lip.
He needs to say something to make this right, to stop his friend from falling,
from spiraling down like the drug addict he met in the midst of the apocalypse. There's a thousand words in his mind.
Words like "I'm sorry I did this to you." and "I never wanted to hurt you" and
"I still wake up screaming every night because I dreamt I killed you." And then there’s those selfish thoughts he knows he can never tell him again, like "Please don't hate me" and "Please don't leave me."
Things like "I need you" that once felt so natural, before he screwed it all up and lost any right say them.
What comes out of his mouth instead is "Hit me!“ "What?"
"You heard me Cas, hit me." The angel's frown deepens as he clenches his fingers, curling them into a fist, but still staying right where he is.
"I get it, ok? You're mad at me and you've got every right to be so let it out ."
He swallows. "I owe it to you."
And isn't that just the perfect Winchester way of an apology?
He should have probably thought that one through, maybe asked himself how even more violence could possibly set things right, but before he can take it back,
Cas is lunging forward, smashing him into the ground.
The world tilts, a sharp flash of pain shooting up from his ass and then Cas is on top of him, forcing the air out of his lungs.
He can feel the punches in the pit of his stomach while Cas shouts at him, every frustrated word punctuated with another blow
"You are the most annoying! Insufferable! Human being I have ever met!"
The hits don't feel right to him, they barely hurt at all and Dean is not sure if the curse drained away Castiel's energy or if he's simply not using his full strength. "Why can't you apologize like normal people!?"
He can barely feel his fists now.
"Why can't you simply-?!" and before Dean can actually start to worry about Cas losing all his powers the angel pulls back and smashes his fist into the ground right next to his jaw, cracking the concrete underneath him.
The blood is rushing in his ears, fast and loud as he stares at his friend, heart in his throat. Cas is panting harshly, breaths coming out short and rough, as he starts swaying, arms buckling once before his weight crashes into the hunter, a dead weight collapsing on top of him.
Dean lies there, unmoving and wide eyed, his head racing with a million thoughts, because this is Castiel, angel of the lord, the last person he ever expected to have a break down in front of him, until the breathing next to his ear hitches and then the angel is shaking.
There’s a short moment of panic, a second where the urge to run away flares up again, but then he pushes it aside, simply closes his arms around Cas, feels the tremors of his body where he holds him as the angel digs his fingers into his shoulders.
"Why didn't you stop me Cas?" He swallows, voice hoarse as his eyes start to burn. "Why didn't you fight back?" That’s what bothers him the most, Castiel is supposed to be strong, he’s a soldier for god’s sake, he shouldn’t be lying on the floor in defeat, waiting for the mercy of a killer.
Cas lifts his head until those soulful oceans are in his line of sight again and Dean feels a wave of helplessness rush over him. He represses the urge to punch the ground because there’s just so much love in those eyes and Cas should know better by now. The angel shouldn't be looking at him like that.
Not after everything that happened, not after the many, many times Dean has proved to him that he is in fact poison. There's a soft, bitter laugh erupting from Cas' throat and the sound claws at Dean's heart, tears through his layers of fabric and flesh and making him bleed until he feels like he could choke on his own labored breaths any second.
"I couldn't. I simple couldn't, Dean. It wasn't you, I know that you would never-" He sounds hopeless, resigned to his fate, like he isn't sure of his own words and Dean can't stand it.
He tightens his grip around the angel, holding him as close as he can, pressing them flush together until he can feel the comforting beats of Cas' heart against his own ribcage.
A steady, fast thumping that tells him that Cas is alive, that he's breathing and safe and right here next to him. "No I wouldn't, Cas."
He can feel the tight knot in his throat pushing the tears over the rims of his eyes. Cas traces them, gathering them with the pad of his thumb as he brushes it over his cheekbone. "I need you." he chokes, vomiting it out along with the rest of his baggage that Cas doesn't need, but somehow lifts of his shoulders anyways.
He leans down until his forehead is resting against Dean's, breath ghosting over his lips, close, but never close enough. "I love you, Dean Winchester." He's smiling now, lips quirking up in this almost invisible way that is entirely Cas. "Even when you bore the mark of Cain I couldn't stop loving you and if it meant watching you slay the world for all eternity I-"
Dean doesn't want to hear it, can't bear all the ways he know Cas would have sacrificed himself, so he simply presses up into the warmth above him, finally bringing their mouths together.
It's tentative at first, a gentle pressure of lips against his own, slow movements, sweet and careful until Cas angles his head and the dam breaks. His hands fly up to cradle the angel's face, exploring the scratchy stubble underneath his fingertips.
All new and painfully familliar at the same time, while Cas is shifting above him, kissing him with the despair of a drowning man. Answering the consuming flames that light up Dean's skin, devouring his thoughts where they're pressed together.
He can taste the salt of sweat on his lips, the metallic bitterness of Castiel's blood at the tip of his tongue as he dives in further, finally, finally letting himself fall.
Cas' mouth is pliant against his own, breaths mingling as he tastes him, hot and wet and absolutely messy. He rakes his fingers through the dark, sticky strands, tugging him impossibly closer. Lingering in this moment where there's no room for fighting, no thoughts on how to save the world from yet another force of evil.
Dean drinks him in, losing himself in the tidal waves crashing above his head, rushing into his lungs, until everything he can see, everything he can feel echoes the angel's name. Cas is making the sweetest sounds against his lips, whispering his name over an over again. Breathless and tender and sounding so incredibly happy that Dean feels lightheaded, completely detached from the groud they're still lying upon. He's floating in the air, high on Cas and the thought makes him smile so wide, he has to break the kiss as he's starting to grin into Castiel's mouth.
The angel sighs, the corners of his lips lifting up and illuminating those skyblue eyes like rays of sunlight breaking through the clouds.
Dean can't remember ever seeing something more beautiful.
Of course it's in this moment that his phone starts making the most disruptive noises known to mankind. it takes him an embarrissingly long time to shift his gaze away from those hypnotic blues and even longer to get to his pocket, with Cas stradling him and his jeans feeling just the right amount of too tight.
When he finally does it's Sams voice on the other end of the line, telling them that he did find a lead and is gonna meet them at the motel in fifteen minutes.
Cas regrettably get's up from his spot and Dean instantly misses the warmth beneath his stomach but pulls himself together to finish his call with Sam and follow his friend's lead.
As soon as he's standing, he reaches for the angel's hand, his face feeling to hot as he does so but there's cool, soothing relief when Cas laces their fingers together and leans in to nuzzle his nose against Dean's. One or two or maybe ten soft brushes of lips later they're on their way to the motel, hands tightly holding onto each other and shoulders bumping into one another in a way that's probably too obvious and on a normal day Dean might have kept a reasonable distance between them.
Now however, with the world on the edge of destruction and the majority of the people he cares about dead, he finds that he doesn't really care.
That's not entirely true, he does release the fingers threaded across his as soon as he can spot the parking lot of their motel.
Because Dean is a chickenshit and even though he knows in his heart that Sam would never judge him for something like this, he can't just walk up to the impala like the happy boyfriend that he is.
Cas frowns for half a second and the hunter feels something flop in his stomach at the possessive hand Cas places on his shoulder, refusing to move it even as they reach Sam. It's platonic enough that Dean doesn't mind.
It takes Sam about five seconds to figure out what exactly is going before a smug, shit eating grin stretches his lips and he's mouthing "Casdean". Dean kicks him in the shin and Cas just tilts his head in confusion before resuming his task of staring at Dean with those shiny eyes like he hung the moon and the stars and the rest of the universe. The hand on his shoulder somehow moved to his lower back and his own hand is pretty obviously holding onto the blood tainted fabric around Cas' sleeve, not that he put it there on purpose or anything.
Seems like the cat is out of the bag, so he sneaks his arm around Cas and pulls him in by the waist.
And because Sam is an asshole he starts making gagging noises when the angel leans in for a short kiss.
Of course it's Sam's mission to publicly embarrass and humiliate him as much as he possibly can, so he nudges Cas into the direction of the front desk and lets him book their rooms. The angel has a Cas equivalent of a happy grin on his face as he explains in detail that they are going to need two separate bedrooms and only two beds because "I will share a bed with Dean tonight.“
The hunter groans and goes to hide his scarlet face in his hands while Sam starts laughing hysterically.
Dean gets his revenge the next morning when Sam starts banging at their door at four am, yelling at them to shut the fuck up and Cas blocks out the noise with a flick of his wrist, before going back to his duties as Dean’s boyfriend.