Chapter Text
Dave really would love to pretend that he's not the kind of guy who would google himself. How fucking pretentious would you have to be to consistently check if you're relevant on the internet of things?
Technically, he reasons with himself, he's not checking out his own relevance. Can you blame a man of the fine arts for looking up his masterpiece? Scouring for his audience? Painfully scanning for his INFLUENCE?
Of course not.
He started this habit almost immediately after he began posting his masterfully crafted webcomic online. At first it was practical, just to check whether or not the site would show up if googled. Then it was an ironic joke with himself, a jape of his own making at his own expense— typing a search without expecting relevant results. Fucking hilarious.
The first time he actually got a hit was absolutely marvelous.
A post on a webcomic forum mentioned SBaHJ by name, followed up with the most scathing review: it is a crunchy bullshit jpeg nightmare with no substance. Yes. Holy shit yes. They always say you haven't been truly famous until you garner hatred, and Dave Strider just performed the hater any% speedrun.
The very next day, he posts a new strip featuring a heavily artifacted screenshot of the hate comment lovingly framed and hung on Sweet Bro's wall. SB caresses it tenderly with (also heavily artifacted) tears in his eyes and whispers, "we did it bro. we made it happem......."
The forum, now wisened to the fact that Dave lurks in their conversations, creates a new thread dedicated to figuring out who among them is the author of the comic. The running theory is that he's a regular user who made SBaHJ to troll the community— and that would be so damn funny if only it were true.
He opts not to make an account, hoping to use the theory to his advantage and watch the thread eat itself alive. Within a week, a general SBaHJ discussion thread pops up, much to Dave's delight.
Occasionally he will put a SWEET REFRANCE to the threads in his updates to remind them all he's still lurking. It's entertaining, but also completely predictable discourse. The conversation is generally divided between those who can appreciate the inherent comedic value of it in all its shitty glory, and haters who consistently refuse to understand his Vision.
And this one guy.
Dave isn't entirely sure what to make of him the first time he posts. His messages are written in all caps, which means he's either a troll with a simple typing quirk or some dunkass who got his caps lock button stuck. Hard to say on the internet sometimes.
The typing quirk isn't why he captures Dave's interest, though. This guy goes above and beyond to vehemently defend SBaHJ like his life depends on it in long, winding rants about everything and nothing at the same time. Every new post is like a gift.
He insists, INSISTS, that it has LORE. That there is some story here, some narrative Dave is crafting. The thought makes Dave laugh so hard he has to shut his laptop for a while.
Dave pulls these things out of his ass, throws in whatever inane bullshit makes him chuckle, and hits post without another thought. This user— carcinoGeneticist— insists that there is more to it.
Passionately.
For several paragraphs.
Succumbing to curiosity, Dave decides to check out the rest of this guy's post history, and...
Holy shit.
Aside from SBaHJ, it looks like CG almost exclusively indulges in romantic comedy stories. This can't be a real guy. There's no way he's not trolling.
He is a troll, Dave finds out. As in the alien race. He discovers this in a post where CG says that he thinks SBaHJ is made by a troll, because to him it is a highly satirical romantic comedy about two humans in a pale-black relationship.
Is.
Is this dude seriously shipping Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff?
Both fans and haters alike think he's crazy, but it seems like the more they try to talk some sense into him, the more he passionately and angrily defends his stances.
Oh, Dave can't not feed into this. He can't resist.
His very next comic involves Hella Jeff attempting to skateboard off of his roof— he does a sick midair kickflip, and then crashes through Sweet Bro's windshield, prompting SB to exclaim "oh my GOD your a fuckign IDIOT dum b ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! there is GLAS all over. now."
The most minute detail is the icing on the cake: he pastes a fake png of a spade into SB's eyes. Oh hell yes. This is ascendant. He can't wait to see what CG has to say on the matter.
If Karkat doesn't get off of his phone call in the next ten minutes, Dave is going to snap something in half. His voice is piercing enough to pass through the dorm's walls and keep the whole building awake.
Dave tries to be lenient, he really does. He knows trolls are more nocturnal than humans. He knows it's a Saturday night. It is also 2 in the god damn morning, and he can't sleep because Karkat is probably the loudest person he's ever had the displeasure of knowing. Jesus, what in the hell is he so angry about this time?
Rolling over, he notices John is fast asleep on the other side of the room. How he can do it, Dave will never know.
A dull ache creeps in behind Dave's temples, and he slams his palm against the wall a couple times. Karkat takes pause and then continues, quieter but still not quiet enough. Dave pounds the wall a second time. Silence.
About damn time.
Dave pours over the forum with an uncharacteristic amount of glee the morning after his genius post. He scrolls past at least two pages of messages, most of them reactionary, complaining about CG influencing the comic. A new theory crops up, and is exceedingly popular: CG is writing SBaHJ and is performing a very elaborate trolling scheme. You can't get pure irony like this anywhere else.
He reads a page or two of the locals going on, but eventually he begins skipping ahead, searching and searching before he hits jackpot.
Caps lock.
"carcinoGeneticist says:
WELL WELL FUCKING WELL. LOOK WHAT WE HAVE HERE! NOT ONLY WAS I ABSOLUTELY CORRECT ON ALL ACCOUNTS ABOUT THE TRUE SCHEME OF THIS SATIRICAL MASTERPIECE, BUT NOW YOU HALF-BAKED NOOKWHIFFS ACTUALLY HAVE THE AUDACITY TO IMPLY THIS IS ALL MY DOING? DO I LOOK LIKE I'M PUTTING ON A FUCKING SHOW TO YOU?
I'M SITTING HERE FULLY APPRECIATING AND UNDERSTANDING THIS FOR WHAT IT IS, AND YOU ALL REFUSE TO SHOVE THE THOUGHT INTO YOUR BRAINS THAT I KNOW WHAT THE HELL I AM TALKING ABOUT HERE. THIS IS A ROMCOM AND YOU CANNOT SIT HERE TALKING SHIT OUT OF YOUR ASSES ANY LONGER. I'M RIGHT, YOU'RE WRONG, YOU LOST!
WHILE YOU WERE ALL STUCK READING GRUBWORKS AND SCRAWLING YOUR BRAINDEAD TAKES ON THE WALLS WITH YOUR OWN GRIME AND TEARS, I WAS PLUNDERING THE UNTRODDEN DEPTHS OF THE INTERNET TO FIND A TREASURE TROVE OF PURE GENIUS THE LIKES OF WHICH YOUR THINKPANS OBVIOUSLY CRUMPLE AT THE SIGHT OF. YOU IGNORANT FESTERING PUSWOUNDS SEE LITERARY TRIUMPH AND CAN ONLY BLUBBER WITH FEAR, SHACKLED BY YOUR OWN RAPIDLY SHRINKING READING COMPREHENSION.
LET YOUR GLOBES DROP AND REALIZE IT'S OKAY TO BE WRONG ABOUT LITERALLY EVERYTHING AS LONG AS YOU LAUD ME FOR PROVIDING YOU WITH YOUR ENLIGHTENMENT.
I SHOULD BE FLATTERED, I WISH I HAD EVEN A FRACTION OF THE CREATIVE BILESLUDGE IN MY WHOLE BODY THAT THE AUTHOR HAS IN THEIR MINI FROND STUMP. I KNOW I CAN DO FUCKALL TO STOP YOU FROM THIS INANE SPECULATION, SO THANK YOU AND ALSO FUCK YOU ALL. I'VE GOT MY WHOLE HEAD WRAPPED AROUND THIS PIECE OF MODERN ART AND ANYONE WHO STILL CARES TO DOUBT ME CAN GO TAKE A LONG WALK OFF A SHORT CLIFF.
SB <> <3< HJ IS REAL, SUCK MY BULGE."
Dave takes screenshots. Not to put into the webcomic, but just to preserve the rawest vein of irony he's ever stumbled upon.
Straight. Up. Platinum.
It's the closest he's ever come to making an account.
Karkat isn't exactly what Dave would call a friend. They share mutual friends and are neighbors, but that's where their connection to each other ends.
All the enjoyment that Dave gets out of interacting with Karkat comes from fucking around with him, which he is the perfect specimen for considering his dramatic reactions. Entirely platonic fucking around, mind you.
That doesn't stop Karkat from bitching about being black-flirted with, but the sentiment is too alien for Dave to care that much about how his intentions are parsed. That alone riles Karkat more than anything.
"John, you are not going to believe–" Dave looks up from his laptop as Karkat barges into the room without knocking, voice booming as always. Karkat notices the empty bed first, and Dave second. "Oh. Where's John?"
Dave avoids his gaze purposefully, staring at his laptop screen. "No clue."
Karkat huffs in frustration, voice already tinged with annoyance. "Doesn't he tell you where he's going when he leaves?"
"What am I, his dad? Yeah, hold up, let me just check the GPS I planted on him while he sleeps."
"Oh, pack your bullshit firmly up your waste chute, Strider! It was a simple fucking question!"
Dave rolls his eyes behind his shades. "Yeah, well, I'm not the patron saint of John's whereabouts. I'm kind of busy, if you're done loitering in the doorway and projecting your hate-boner onto me."
"Fucking– You know what? Forget it. I'll go ask someone who actually manages to give a shit on a daily basis!" After seething for another moment more, Karkat makes his exit, slamming the door and grumbling loud enough to hear as he walks away.
It was a gamble.
There was no guarantee that it was a valid chumhandle— although it certainly was formatted like one.
Dave hadn't even planned what he would have said if it was him. Actually, very little thought went into the act. He just impulsively typed "carcinoGeneticist" into the "add chum" section, equal parts curious and bored.
It took about an hour, but Pesterchum's CG accepted the request.
Within one message, Dave's positive he has the right guy.
CG: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
CG: YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO PROVE YOU AREN'T A SPAM BOT OR AN ASSHOLE.
TG: holy shit i wasnt expecting an interview
TG: ok well i am not a robot i do not want to inform you about all the choice milfs in your area
TG: theres no seedy link tucked into my hard drive ready and willing to phish your private information
TG: as for the anti asshole measures uhhh
TG: whats your protocol
CG: WITH THE WAY YOU TYPE? I'M NOT OPTIMISTIC.
CG: HOW DID YOU GET THIS HANDLE
TG: webcomic forum
TG: i like your takes
It takes CG a long time to respond.
CG: ASSUMING THAT YOU ACTUALLY MEAN THAT, THANKS.
CG: I'M ALMOST READY TO QUIT POSTING FOR A WHILE BECAUSE I KEEP GETTING INTO A DISGUSTING FROTHY RAGE
TG: lol i noticed
TG: i mostly read your sbahj stuff actually
Another long pause.
CG: OH HELL NO
CG: FUCK OFF. THERE'S NOT A SINGLE PERSON IN THOSE THREADS THAT LISTENS TO ME AND I DOUBT YOU'RE THE FIRST.
CG: IF YOU'RE HERE TO GET ME TO ADMIT I WROTE SBAHJ YOU'RE FUCKED
CG: I DIDN'T. MY DMS ARE TURNED OFF ON THE FORUMS SO YOU NOXIOUS CHUCKLENUTS STOP ASKING
TG: hahahaha oh my god
TG: sorry i dont mean to laugh its just
TG: you really are the exact same guy
CG: OH YES, LAUGH IT UP. MY FROND IS OVER THE BLOCK BUTTON IF YOU HAVE ANY LAST WORDS.
TG: woah dude no come on im not here for that
TG: i know you didnt make sbahj
Dave considers his next message carefully. He hits send after he sees CG start typing.
TG: i did
CG stops typing. Dave watches him pause, start again, pause, and start again.
CG: BULLSHIT.
TG: do you want proof
CG: YEAH ACTUALLY I WOULD LOVE TO SEE IT
TG: haha ok one sec
TG: i already had an update cooked up let me post it right now
CG: UH HUH.
CG's disbelief be damned, Dave's new update goes live seconds later.
TG: go on
TG: check the website
This pause is much funnier than the last. Dave laughs whenever CG begins typing again.
CG: NO FUCKING WAY
CG: OH MY GOD
CG: THERE'S NO WAY YOU COULD HAVE PREDICTED THAT.
TG: theres a way called
TG: posting it yourself
CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
CG: YOU. THE CREATOR OF SBAHJ.
CG: AND YOU LIKE MY TAKES.
TG: they are pretty fucking golden
TG: gotta ask you a favor though
TG: if you could keep this all between us id appreciate it
TG: kind of enjoying the forum swallowing itself whole trying to figure out who i am
CG: OH, SURE
CG: EVEN THOUGH IT WOULD FEEL ASCENDANT TO BRAG ABOUT THIS BOON.
CG: SO, HOW ACCURATE HAVE I BEEN?
CG: INTERPRETING SBAHJ, I MEAN
TG: well
TG: not even remotely close haha
CG: WHAT.
TG: no but
TG: i like it
TG: most original take on the whole thing ive ever seen i almost wish it were true
TG: thats why i gave you that little nod the other day
TG: funniest shit ive ever read
CG: I WASN'T TRYING TO BE FUNNY.
CG: FUCK, OKAY, HOW WRONG WAS I, THEN? WHAT THE HELL IS SBAHJ?
TG: honestly
TG: a jpeg comedy
TG: it is just whatever random bullshit i think is funny crunched up in photoshop
TG: i never really thought of giving it continuity or plot
TG: its just some guys being dudes
TG: im a human so i didnt have quadrants in mind but that theory was too fucking good
CG: SO YOU'RE TELLING ME I REALLY AM MAKING A JACKASS OUT OF MYSELF OUT THERE?
TG: yep
CG: GREAT! AWESOME! FAN FUCKING TASTIC!
CG: THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I WANTED TO MEET YOU
TG: oh come on
TG: you didnt wanna meet me
TG: im not some big brained webcomic author im just a guy
CG: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THERE'S A WHOLE THREAD OF PEOPLE WHO WOULD GIVE THEIR LEFT SHAME GLOBE TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE
CG: AND HERE I AM
CG: ABSOLUTELY BEEFING IT UP IN A SPECTACULAR FASHION
TG: man you need to chill im not roasting you alive for being wrong
TG: youre probably the best thing to come out of sbahjs fandom
TG: holy shit i just realized
TG: sbahj has a fandom
TG: ahahahaha oh my god
TG: wow
CG: DESERVED
TG: thanks
TG: anyways
TG: if anything i wanted to meet you
CG: ME.
TG: yeah ive wanted to pick your brain for a while now
TG: get a little insight on how youve been reading sbahj
TG: maybe even put some of your ideas in the thing
TG: clearly the literary genius is all yours
CG: OH. UH
CG: NO
TG: no?
CG: I MEAN I'M FLATTERED BUT I DON'T THINK IT WOULD BE THE SAME
CG: I DON'T WANNA SULLY YOUR VISION OR WHATEVER
TG: fair enough
TG: im still doing the quadrant thing because i think its a fucking mazing
TG: with your blessing i mean
CG: GO RIGHT AHEAD.
CG: I HAVE A CLASS, SO
CG: NICE TO HAVE MET YOU, THANKS FOR KNOCKING ME DOWN A PEG
TG: oh shit me too
TG: thanks for the reminder
TG: and also for being a crazy bastard
TG: i need to run out of my dorm room with toast in my mouth because im gonna be late
CG: WHAT?
TG: nevermind
TG: later
CG: BYE.
Dave arrives to class in a particularly good mood, and without harassing Karkat or greeting Rose, he takes his seat between the two.
Rose, as she is wont to do, notices the change immediately. "Well, don't you look pleased? I had previously thought you were determined to look miserable every time you set foot in this classroom." She smiles at him, folding her hands under her chin, and he smiles back, mimicking her briefly.
"Ooh, caught red handed in a good mood. There goes my cool guy cred, dissolving like cotton candy in water." Leaning back, Dave's chair gives a protesting squeak as he lifts its front legs from the floor.
Rose chuckles, pointing her pen at him and waving it in a circle. "Something's happened, hasn't it?"
"Just drowning in internet fame. Choking on it, actually."
Karkat scoffs. Rose leans around Dave to look at him, but his nose is buried in his phone even as he eavesdrops. Both of their behaviors are unfamiliar to her— they're typically invested in their latest squabble and unafraid to provoke one another. One eyebrow raised, she plays along, "Gagging on it, even?"
Dave hoots. "I'm going under and there's no lifeguard on duty. All my rabid fans are pulling me under, and I'm just letting them try to rip my shirt or hand me their baby or whatever."
"Truly, you are suffering from success."
"You get me." Dave's phone buzzes in his pocket. "Hold on."
CG: DO YOU EVER SHOW UP TO A CLASS AND THERE IS JUST THE MOST ANNOYING PRETENTIOUS FUCKWIT IMAGINABLE PARKING HIS ASS RIGHT NEXT TO YOU
CG: JUST SPEWING ANYTHING TO HEAR HIS OWN VOICE
Rose politely averts her eyes from the screen. "Your agent, I presume? Booking you one thousand sweet gigs in the fame industry?"
"Yeah," Dave replies, "He just booked me a good one."
CG: THIS IS MY PREDICAMENT RIGHT NOW.
TG: thats very specific
TG: i cant say i have encountered the exact guy you are describing
TG: but i get it
TG: i have prick tolerance like you wouldnt believe because i like to fuck with people i dont like
TG: i stop being angry and start finding it funny instead
CG: NICE TACTIC BUT I DON'T THINK THAT'LL WORK
CG: ANYTHING I COULD SAY WILL JUST GET TWISTED BACK AROUND AT ME, SOMEHOW
TG: sounds aggravating
CG: IT'S EASIER TO IGNORE HIM NOW.
CG: WELL, HE STOPPED TALKING, BUT ALSO BECAUSE YOU'RE A GOOD DISTRACTION.
TG: thats a compliment to the highest fucking degree
TG: i just neutralized your class asshole
TG: your classhole
TG: with my presence
TG: feel my power
Karkat laughs. Dave doesn't notice.
CG: I'M FEELING IT.
CG: OKAY, WE'LL TALK LATER.
TG: definitely
They don't notice this detail either, but they both put their phones away at roughly the same time.
The only one to catch it is Rose, who silently observes and says nothing. She smiles once again whenever Dave locks gazes with her, and there's an unmistakable look in her eye.
Best to nip that in the bud. "Whatever you're about to analyze, don't. This is not the place for your armchair psychology."
Rose's arched brow creases her forehead.
"This is a psychology class, Dave."