Work Text:
Jared would've liked to claim that thievery was in his blood.
Every time he met a new client, especially an interested, attractive client who seemed like they might want Jared to plunder something other than a safe, he wanted to tell fascinating stories of himself as a two-year-old prodigy who could pick locks and rappel down his crib and concoct elaborate dual identities to get more candy.
Unfortunately, his real two-year-old self was far less refined, prefering to just eat his way through as many obstacles as he could, so Jared usually opted to skip over his origin story in favor of emphasizing how fast-pacing and exciting his current life was, complete with heavy implications that his performance in bed would be similarly thrilling.
(Jared didn't pretend to be classy.)
Much to his delight (and Chad's chagrin), this was a surprisingly successful tactic. In addition to stealing millions of dollars worth of items for his clients, Jared had managed to get in the pants of three A-list actresses, two state governors, and six boyband members. Apparently he had his niche.
The list of actresses was looking to rise to four that night and Jared tried not to feel too smug about the prospect of seeing the look on Chad's face the next morning when Jared relayed the fact that he'd been practically hauled to the bedroom by Miss Katie Cassidy.
He smiled at the thought before realizing that grinning awkwardly against the lips of a movie star probably wasn't all that smooth.
Katie pulled back, breathless and confused. "Is everything okay?"
"Everything's fine," Jared promised, giving her ass a gentle squeeze. "I just got distracted."
"Distracted?" Katie flashed him a knowing smile and teased, "Now what could you have been thinking about?"
She ground down against him but Jared's brain refused to pick up anything resembling a hint and he said honestly, "My buddy, Chad."
Katie arched an eyebrow and promptly unhooked her legs around from Jared's waist to drop back to the floor. "You're thinking about your buddy?" She gestured down at herself, where she was looking incredibly hot in a rumpled cocktail dress and an expensive-looking bra that Jared really wanted to get her out of. Chad would definitely not have looked as hot in the same outfit. "Seriously?"
Now thinking about Chad sashaying around in La Perla underwear, Jared grimaced a little but then held his hands out in protest when Katie made an affronted noise at his expression and pulled her dress back up. "No, no, no, not like that," he said hurriedly, feeling his 'suave masterthief' brand of charm slipping away. "I was just thinking about how jealous my buddy would be that I'm here with you. He really, really loves your work."
Katie didn't seem too moved by flattery but Jared barely resisted punching the air in relief when she scrutinized him for a second then shrugged. "Fuck it. I haven't had sex in way too long. If you need to think about your boyfriend to get it up, be my guest."
Jared wanted to insist that Chad was absolutely, categorically not his boyfriend, but Katie slid her hand through his hair and pulled him down for a kiss before he could say anything else.
Figuring that pulling away to talk about Chad would not be the wisest decision, Jared decided to focus on things he actually found hot and hoisted Katie up in his arms again to work the zipper down on her cocktail dress. She made a soft noise of encouragement against his lips and licked inside his mouth as she rolled her hips forward and tightened the grip of her legs around his waist.
He bit at her lips, nipping and teasing as his hardening dick rubbed up against her through the barrier of his pants and her panties, and he let her rest back against the wall so that she could pull his t-shirt up and over his head. Her nails raked down his back, not deep enough to break the skin but just hard enough to make him shiver, and she sounded pleased and turned on when she bit down on his earlobe and murmured, "God, you should've been a stripper. Thieves shouldn't be this hot."
Jared chuckled. "I didn't realize there were guidelines."
Katie smiled. "Oh, please. This is Hollywood. If someone needs a law breaking, ninety-nine times out of a hundred they find some sleazy ex-con with an orange tan and too many gold chains." She kissed him again, fast and deep. "You're like gold dust, baby."
"Well, if I ever become a stripper, I think I just found my stage name."
Laughing, Katie nudged him back towards the bed where he put her down and dropped to a seat. "It's not like I'm advocating an overnight career change," she said, working her dress down her body until she was left in some very revealing, very purple underwear,"but if you wanted to get your ass out of those pants already, I wouldn't complain."
Jared saluted, lifting his hips to tug his pants off and toss them to the floor. "Yes, ma'am."
Katie rolled her eyes as she unhooked her bra. "God, you sound like my PA."
"Yes, honeykins?" Jared tried again, settling back on the bed and grinning at her. "Yes, sweetheart? Yes, oh beautiful goddess?"
Laughing, she climbed up onto the bed and crawled across to where Jared was resting with his back against the mountain of pillows. "None of the above. You sound like my ex, my dad, and my stalker."
She straddled his lap and threaded her hands through his hair again as their lips locked in a kiss. Jared gave her ass another quick squeeze as she pressed down against him but then shifted his hands to cup her breasts, smoothing his thumbs over her nipples then pinching lightly.
Katie tipped her head up, arching her back with a pleased moan, and Jared sucked kisses along the delicate ridge of her collarbone before murmuring against her neck, "Just to clarify, your stalker's behind bars, right? I'm good with stripping but I kinda want to avoid putting on a live sex show for the creep."
Guiding his hands back to her breasts, Katie opened her hands over his to encourage him to make his touches a little rougher as she answered, "Don't worry, he's gone. Restraining orders are amazing things. I think he's probably moved on to Justin Bieber or something by now." She bit her lip and circled her hips when Jared groped her breasts firmly. "God, yeah."
"Wow, you really like Justin Bieber," Jared said, smiling when she slapped him on the shoulder.
She arched back again instantly, moving her hips and closing her eyes as Jared kept up the steady pressure on her tits, and he took the opportunity to scan the bedroom for any possible stalkers. Just to be sure.
He frowned when he caught sight of a familiar-looking rope peeking out from under the door of Katie's walk-in closet.
It looked like his own, sturdy without being too thick and versatile without being too short-lived, but unless he'd been stealing from an actress' closet in his sleep, Jared's own rope was downstairs in his kit with the rest of his equipment. Perplexed, he peered closer as subtly as he could but his eyes widened when he saw that, unlike the plain black of Jared's rope, the one on Katie's floor was a dark shade of brown.
"Shit…"
Katie's eyes flew open and Jared swallowed when he found himself faced with an annoyed, impatient, and mostly naked actress. (Not that he could blame her. He wasn't exactly bringing his A game.)
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing." He coughed. "I just- I realized I forgot something." He looked at the door, trying desperately to come up with an excuse to get into a woman's closet. "I, uh, like wearing women's panties?"
Katie raised her eyebrows but Jared stammered on regardless, making it up as he went, "For sex. I like sex panties. Well, technically they're pre-sex panties but I guess I could wear them during sex too although that might get complicated and sticky and kind of tangled in the whole ball vicinity so I usually take them off, but I still need to put them on first and I forgot my pair and-"
He took a breath and flashed her a smile, trying to ignore how weirded out she looked. "Can I borrow some?"
He scrambled off the bed and towards the closet before she could say no and he exhaled in relief when she said, confused, "Uh, sure. Whatever. I'm gonna go freshen up -- let me know when you're ready."
"Absolutely," Jared said, still distracted by the rope in the closet. "Can't wait."
He heard the bathroom door close behind him and edged towards the closet, wishing he had some kind of weapon to help him out. He couldn't hear any movement inside but he sent up a quick prayer that he wouldn't die while in search of women's underwear before wrenching the door open on the count of three.
He didn't know what to think when he found the closet was empty.
Calming his racing heart, Jared picked up the end of the rope that had emerged from the door and followed it back to where the rest of it lay in a neat brown holdall hidden underneath the racks of clothes. There was no sign of the holdall's owner anywhere in the closet and Jared turned to head back into the bedroom, half-convinced that Katie had bought the kit for a role.
He let out an embarrassing yelp of fright when he turned around to see a man standing by the bed.
"Holy-" He blinked, stunned. "Jensen?!"
He managed to restrain himself from letting out a second yelp when Jensen pounced, pinning him back against the bedroom wall and clapping a hand over his mouth.
Realizing his initial reaction may have been a little loud, Jared knocked Jensen's hand away and said in an urgent whisper, "What the hell are you doing here?"
"What do you think?" Jensen whispered back, checking the closed bathroom door behind him.
"You're stealing something?" Jared said, sounding slightly higher-pitched than he would've liked. "Why are you stealing something?"
"Of course I'm stealing something," Jensen hissed. "We're thieves, Padalecki. It's in the job description."
Jared pursed his lips. Jensen was very pretty but he wasn't the most efficient lock-picking tool in the kit. "You know what I mean," he whispered. "Why are you stealing something here? This is my job."
"Yeah, I heard that, 'Gold Dust'," Jensen mocked. "Except I'm not working for Cassidy."
"Then who-"
"Not everyone's happy with you running away with a big fat sheaf of confidential papers," Jensen said, letting go of Jared and stepping back. "Lehne thought Cassidy would find someone to do her dirty work for her so he hired me to get them back."
Jared frowned. "I only took them a couple of hours ago. How are you here already?"
Jensen gave him a cocky smirk. "What can I say, I work fast." He at least had the decency to look a little embarrassed when he added, "I figured if I got them back tonight, Cassidy would blame her own guy instead of looking for an outside man. I didn't know her guy was you until I got here."
"How did you even get in here?" Jared asked. "I saw your kit in the closet but where the fuck did you come from? Did you use hobbit magic to make yourself invisible or something?"
"Oh, fuck you," Jensen said. "We can't all be eight feet tall. Anyway," -he gave Jared an accusatory poke in the chest- "I wouldn't have needed to be in here at all if you'd been able to keep in it your pants, jackass. I heard the door opening before I could get out with the papers so I had to hide under the bed. I wasn't exactly expecting you to be getting laid in here."
"Well, excuse me for having fun," Jared said. "I don't remember you complaining last time, Mr 'oh, oh, yeah, right there, big boy'."
Jensen glared at him. "I don't sound like that."
"You really do. I have an excellent memory for sex noises."
"Those were not my sex noises!"
"Right, 'cause you were so dignified and eloquent when you were begging for my dick!" Jared whispered, getting in closer as they argued. "I'm fine, by the way. I'm so glad you asked whether I had any lasting injuries from you kicking me in the face."
"You dropped me!" Jensen whispered back, outraged. "What the fuck did you expect to happen? You didn't-"
"Jared?"
Both Jared and Jensen fell silent when Katie called again from the bathroom, "Is everything okay out there?"
"Fine!" Jared yelled back grabbing Jensen by the arm and dragging him towards the closet. "Just two more seconds." Belatedly, he realized that it probably wasn't the best plan to shut Jensen in the closet with the papers he was trying to steal and he abruptly changed direction to pull him towards the door instead.
"Hey, what the fuck? Get off me!" Jensen spat, struggling to get out of Jared's grip and back to the closet.
It was a little like trying to wrestle an angry cat, except Jared was in his boxers and Jensen's teeth were marginally less sharp than those of his sister's cat, Florence. Unfortunately, unlike Florence, Jensen couldn't be lured by fish or dangly bits of string, so he tried to reason with him before he could squirm away to freedom.
"Look, Ackles, you need to get the fuck out of here," he hissed. "If she catches you, we're both screwed. Just go!"
"Not without the papers," Jensen said firmly, trying to wriggle out of Jared's grip. "I got a job to do."
"You're not taking the papers."
"Yes, I am!"
"No, you're not! I-"
His eyes widened when he heard the bathroom door being unlocked. "Fuck…" Grabbing Jensen by the back of the neck, he pushed him down underneath the bed with the urgent whisper, "Just stay there!"
Jensen opened his mouth but thankfully stayed quiet and scooted further under the bed when Katie stepped out of the bathroom and leaned against the doorjamb with a smile. "You good to go?" She frowned. "I thought you needed to change underwear?"
Imagining Jensen laughing at him under the bed, Jared shook his head. "I'm good." He smiled. "Guess you're hot enough that I don't need anything else."
He was pretty certain he heard Jensen snicker and so he kicked him as subtly as possible.
"Great." Katie tossed her hair over her shoulders and strolled back to climb across the bed. "Let's get started."
Unable to deal with the concept of having sex with a gorgeous actress with Jensen goddamn Ackles lurking under the bed like a kleptomaniacal boogeyman, Jared leapt back before she could kiss him and blurted out, "I have a headache."
Katie stared at him in disbelief, still looking ridiculously hot in just her tiny purple panties, and Jared cursed the day he'd ever met Jensen.
"I'm sorry," he said lamely. "Really, I am. It's just one of those sudden-onset head pain things and I need to go lie down in a dark room for a long time until it goes away. Ow," he added for dramatic effect and shifted backwards before he could change his mind. "I could really use some aspirin if you have any?"
Katie looked less than thrilled but acquiesced, "I'll get you some, I guess."
She headed back into the bathroom and Jared waited for the door to be pulled shut before he crouched down next to the bed. "Okay, Ackles, I know you're a stubborn asshole but you need to go right the fuck now."
Curled up between a stack of shoeboxes and a giant stuffed rabbit, Jensen shook his head. "I have a job-"
"Fuck your job," Jared whispered. "You need to go now. I'll owe you one, okay? Next time you need help with something, I'm all yours, but we both need to get out of here."
Someone up there was obviously on Jared's side (even if that meant denying him awesome sex and landing him with Jensen instead) since Jensen nodded reluctantly. "Fine. But you owe me."
"Sure, I owe you, I owe you." He dragged him out from under the bed, shoved his kit into his hands and all but booted him towards the bedroom door. "Now go. Like the wind. Like a rocket. Like Lassie."
He slapped his ass before shoving him out of the bedroom and slammed the door shut as Jensen said indignantly, "Lassie?!"
Katie emerged from the bathroom again, now wearing a silky robe which Jared really just wanted to pull off her with his teeth, and blinked when she saw Jared standing by the door. "You're leaving like that?"
"What? No," Jared said quickly. "No, I just heard a noise. But there wasn't any noise. Obviously. I was imagining it."
Katie stared at him like she thought he was a serial killer. That happened to Jared more often than he cared to admit.
"Here's your aspirin," she said, handing him the pills then backing up hastily. "Well, I guess I'll see you around."
"I'm sorry about the sex," Jared said honestly, wishing that phrase wasn't rapidly becoming part of his usual repertoire. "You're awesome, seriously. It's just been a rough day."
Katie ran a hand through her hair and smiled tightly. "Don't worry about it."
She settled back on the bed, looking tanned and soft and beautiful, and Jared directed some very uncharitable thoughts towards Jensen Ackles and his mad cockblocking skills. His mind drifted to slightly more charitable thoughts about Jensen's cock in general as he turned to head out of the bedroom but he stopped when Katie cleared her throat.
"Not that I don't appreciate the view," she said with a tired smile, "but could you get dressed before you head out? I don't really need anyone thinking you're my new mysterious boyfriend, especially when we never actually got to the sex."
"Right." Jared winced. "Sorry."
Ever considerate, he pulled his clothes back on before offering more sincere apologies and then heading out to his car, substantially wealthier but also substantially more sexually frustrated.
Wondering how to tell Chad that, far from getting laid, his client had been more interested in him putting his clothes back on, Jared tossed his kit in the trunk and settled in the driver's seat with a yawn and the muttered curse, "Fuck you, Ackles."
He then experienced a minor cardiac event when a voice from the backseat retorted, "You wish."
"What-" Taking a deep, semi-wheezing breath, Jared looked around in disbelief. "I- How- Why are you in my car?"
Jensen shrugged, looking pretty comfortable in the back of Jared's car. "I thought we should talk," he said. Like that was the obvious reason for sneaking into the back of someone's car.
"Are you training to be a stalker or something?" Jared asked. "Because seriously, dude, I know the professional thief thing involves a certain amount of sneaking but you need to stop loitering under people's beds and in the backs of their cars. It's creepy. You're creepy. You have a whole aura of creepyness going on right now and-"
He jumped when Jensen lunged forward in a not-uncreepy fashion but was instantly mollified by the hot, clumsy press of Jensen's lips against his own. His lips were still tacky from Katie's gloss but that was soon replaced but the familiar curl of Jensen's tongue against his mouth and the slight scratch of stubble against his chin as Jensen clambered over into the front seat, lips locked with Jared's.
When they broke apart, Jensen was settled in the passenger seat and Jared couldn't do much more than blink at him as he began talking, "So, you owe me one now, right? Because I have this job lined up in Istanbul next month and I could use a second pair of hands."
"You kissed me," Jared said dumbly, still stuck on that part of the conversation.
"Uh-huh," Jensen said, fixing his hair in the rearview mirror. "There's this guy in Istanbul who needs me to steal a-"
"Why did you kiss me?"
"Because I needed you to be quiet and stop calling me creepy," Jensen said matter-of-factly. "Anyway, this guy wants-"
Jared let his head drop forward to thunk against the steering wheel. "I can't believe I gave up sex with a movie star to sit here and be kissed just so I'll shut up."
"You're not exactly making my life easy either, Padalecki," Jensen pointed out. "First you fucked things up for me in New York and now I just had to abandon a job because of you."
"I fucked things up? You were totally involved in all the fucking that happened in New York, thank you very much, Ackles," he corrected. "And I wouldn't have made you abandon a job if you hadn't stopped me getting laid." He shot a sneaky glance in Jensen's direction and figured it couldn't hurt to ask. "Y'know, if you wanted to help out on the whole getting-laid front…"
Jensen snorted. It was very unbecoming.
"I'm not your backup fuck, Padalecki. I'm just here to confirm our business arrangement for Istanbul." Jared wanted to mention that kissing wasn't usually part of a business arrangement but Jensen pressed on before he could speak, "I'll send you the blueprints in a couple of days but start saving up your airmiles." He opened the car door and looked over at him with a smirk. "And no, I'm not joining the mile high club with you."
Jared sighed. Jensen really needed to decide whether he wanted to be hot or infuriating because the combination of the two was driving Jared crazy. "You're the worst co-thief ever."
Jensen did not look particularly devastated by that dubious honour and shrugged. "I can live with that."
Climbing out of the car, he leaned back down to give Jared one last easy smile and pearl of Ackles wisdom. "Bright side? You'll probably get another chance to score with Cassidy. She's going to need a thief after I steal those papers back tomorrow."