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Opening his eyes to bright, fluorescent lights was not a new experience for Eichi.
In fact, he was certain that he'd been in more fluorescent lighting in his life than actual, natural lighting.
However, he'd been hoping that it would be a long time before he found himself on his back yet again, blinking himself awake to the whites that were too white and the brights that were too bright that he'd become more than acquainted with over his short years alive.
Ah.
He knew it'd been a possibility. In fact, he was fairly certain that this was going to happen. He'd been advised all his life to be mindful of his body's pitifully low stamina -- even more so now, that he'd already experienced his own death once before, and not even that long ago. But who was he to properly listen to medical staff? And more importantly, who was he to properly listen to the body that he'd been at war with from the second of his birth? Stubborn as ever, he was going to do, or get, what he wanted when he wanted to. That included a litany of things he'd been advised against doing or wanting. No matter who'd advised him against doing or wanting them.
Even if that was his own husband.
Though he found it quite difficult right now to turn his head to look at the man that he loved more than life itself. The uncertainty of the expression that he would be met with startled him more than waking up in the hospital ever would. Eichi was unsure if he'd be met with an aggravated "I told you that this would happen" or eyes welled with tears and a quivering lip that was startlingly uncharacteristic for his normally-bombastic husband. He wasn't sure which one he was more afraid of.
After all, it was true. Wataru had had reservations about the idea of their sex being rougher since the moment Eichi'd suggested it. Said reservations made sense, of course, for a list of reasons a mile long. It'd taken a lot of coercing to get him to finally try, and this being the outcome made him one hundred percent certain that it would never happen again. One of the first things he'd done was make a promise to alert Wataru to any health concerns during this foire, regardless of whether or not it would ruin the mood. And he'd meant to. Really, he had. Eichi had had no intention of deceiving his husband and causing a rift in their marriage for a maximum of seven seconds of bliss. Unfortunately enough for both of them, his body had shut down before he could get a word out -- which now, he was certain, made it look as though he was lying.
The last thing he had ever wanted to do was give Wataru such a scare. Not after he had quite literally
died in the man's arms.
He wanted to have fun in a bit of a different way. That was all. Not
scar his husband for life.
But, of course, things did not like to go as he'd planned them to. They never did.
Eichi sighed, soft and quiet, as he finally turned his head to face Wataru.
"... Hi." His voice was tiny, sheepish, as if he were expecting to be yelled at.
Marriage, from what Wataru understood, was about compromise. About meeting one's partner in the middle, about figuring out how to find common ground when both parties were pulled in opposite directions. In things like their home, their goals, the things they loved - they were experts at compromise. Eichi's obsession masked his true intentions from time to time, but Wataru's hopeless devotion did the same.
They hadn't quite fought since they exchanged hasty, two-sentence vows in front of a stranger and Kazehaya. There had been some minor squabbles, some misunderstandings, but as they often did - the two of them found their ways to agreement.
Eichi was a rich, spoiled child who just wanted to have fun with the time he had left. It made him expectant on the things he desired, acting as a child when he didn't get his way. But that was a flaw that Wataru accepted, understood, had already come to terms with. Just as Wataru was enigmatic and precise and needed the entirety of his partner's attention - he knew it dragged him away from his friends, that it wasn't always healthy, but it was something Eichi learned to live with as well.
Sex was a new game they only began to play in this world, unable to do so with the prying eyes of Ensemble Square and every lackey or assistant hounding Eichi's every move. Wataru was far from inexperienced, of course - in fact, when Eichi was gone, he'd found himself in a plethora of beds once again. Telling his husband, now alive again, about what had happened seemed innocent enough to him. It was funny, having such intimate details on their friends and acquaintances. Eichi seemed to enjoy what Wataru said, sipping his tea as they gossiped as though they were only best friends.
It's what Wataru loved, experiencing the mundane with him. It was all the more magical with Eichi there; Wataru was overjoyed every time he woke to Eichi's slowly rising chest. Every time Eichi opened his eyes, smiled at him, whispered a good morning before his voice was truly able to escape him.
The sex itself with others was typical, a normal thing that he did with someone he found attractive and wanted to see more of. It was a fun way to feel something, to elicit the other player’s emotion, to let go of the rest of the world and learn how his partner danced and moved in a new light. Wataru wanted to please people, wanted to keep someone's attention, and leave a lasting impression. Have a connection, see how they expressed themselves even if it only lasted a night.
The sex he had with Eichi was more, far more than anything he did with anyone else. The first time, up on the roof, had felt more pleasurable and more right than he had ever felt next to anyone else. Wataru knew in his heart that Eichi was the one, that no one would ever move him the same way. It was tender and filled with love, something so beautiful and amazing and he never once thought it could be so warm and silly and loving . He thought people had made up what making love felt like, that they were blowing a good orgasm out of proportion.
If only that had been good enough for Eichi.
As a performer, an entertainer, and ultimately someone who needed attention and praise to survive, Wataru had finally accepted what he asked. He wanted to meet Eichi in the middle. He really did want to please him, but look where that ended.
The image of his corpse in bed next to him fresh in his mind at all times, it was becoming more and more difficult to allow Eichi his tantrums or his indulgences. Wataru didn't want to lose him again. He didn't want to sleep in this hospital anymore. He wanted to have fun with his husband in a world with true magic to explore. But there they were, once again.
"...good morning." He wore his mask, as always, smiling over at his husband. Glad he was alive. Too embarrassed to speak or to think of why they were here this time. Not wanting it to come up. "Welcome back, Eichi."
If it had been anyone else, Eichi would have taken that smile at face value. However, it wasn't anyone else.
That smile was worse than being yelled at, and far worse than any tears that he could have anticipated. It said everything without anything at all. It soared past an I'm glad you're alright and even father past I told you this would happen , landing itself firmly in a realm filled only with you fucked up. And boy, did he know it.
Thankfully, it wasn't that difficult for Eichi to push himself into a sitting position, despite the wires hanging off of his arm. He thought them to be unnecessary, but then again, he always had. He had passed out from exertion. That was all. His health was not in critical danger to anyone's knowledge this time. He'd simply pushed past his limits and paid for it. It wasn't an uncommon occurrence, though how it happened was uncommon for him. Not that they'd ever have to worry about it again. The issue of rougher sex would go straight back to being a non issue after this, Eichi was certain.
It wasn't as though he'd asked for much. Something more than the delicate touches they usually shared, that was all. It wasn't as though he disliked their usual delicate touches, either. He never had. Every moment that he shared with Wataru, sexual or not, was more than enough for him. Every moment that they shared together was blissful. Even the most mundane of things were made amazing in the presence of his favorite magician. It wasn't as though Wataru hadn't been doing enough for him.
It was simply... aggravating.
Eichi had always longed to feel normal. To be able to participate in the same things that everyone else did without the mile-long list of restrictions that he came along with. Being ill was so restrictive, so tiring . His constant need for breaks, his body's unpredictability... though he'd been forced to become accustomed to it, he knew that he would never make peace with it. He would simply try new things in order to test his limits. He would pretend that he wasn't sick for the small taste of normalcy that he could potentially be given.
And look where it had landed them. In the hospital, yet again, all because his body couldn't take the slight amount of roughhousing that he'd decided to put it through.
Eichi sighed, fussing with the blankets now covering his lap. How he hated them, white and sterile and reminiscent.
"Thank you."
A pause.
"... Wataru. I'm sorry. ... I know that that doesn't mean much, but I didn't mean to frighten you."
I love you , he wanted to add, but didn't as it felt... misplaced. Manipulative, almost.
Wataru had put on his clothes in a hurry as he made the call to the hospital, speaking calmly despite his surroundings. He even had the decency to slip on a pair of sweatpants for Eichi, feigning that it somehow didn't happen during sex. When the question was asked, though, of course he was honest. When scolded for allowing what happened to take place at all, he laughed as though it had been his idea.
And when Eichi was stable, in his chair he sat. Afraid to close his eyes in case he disappeared again.
"Eichi," his voice was likely kind enough for those who didn't know him well to have thought all was fine. "You don't need to apologize for being so sick! I put a ring on your finger knowing you were, of course!"
I told you I didn't want to give it to you 'harder' because of it.
I told you I didn't want to choke, or slap, or overwork you because of it.
I told you I didn't want to lose you again.
"I'm just glad you woke up at all!" Because now I know it's a possibility that you don't.
The more Wataru spoke, the wider the pit in Eichi's stomach grew. He was well acquainted with the tone of voice that was being used to mask concern and frustration, and he found himself wishing that Wataru would drop it already. That he'd get upset with him as he had every right to. Giving each other the world had limits, and he shouldn't have pressured him into giving more than he knew he could handle. It was unfair. Even if it'd been an enjoyable experience, it wasn't worth upsetting his husband like this. If only he weren't stupid, spoiled, or selfish.
Eichi squeezed the covers in his hands again, sighing as he stared down at his lap.
I'm not apologizing for being sick. But he knew that. He was tiptoeing around the topic so as to avoid an argument, surely.
"I meant to tell you when I started feeling unwell, but it was so sudden that I lost consciousness that I was unable to open my mouth in time." As if an explanation would make it any better. Eichi knew well that it wouldn't, but he felt the need to, for transparency's sake. He'd lied to Wataru so many times about feeling ill in the past, but he had no intentions of continuing to do so. Not after Wataru had already lost him once. "I want to make sure that you know that, that is all."
It was against his better judgement to do so, he knew, but Eichi reached out for one of Wataru's hands anyway.
Wataru's hands stayed folded in his lap, not moving from where they were on his crossed leg. He had to fight himself to reach for his husband's hand, angry with himself now. He shouldn't be so petty. He should just let it go.
But the image of Eichi's eyes closed, the way he didn't respond.
It hit too hard.
"Of course, because you always tell me when you're feeling unwell. It is not as though I am able to tell, so we will work on this moving forward. We will both catch it the next time!"
Bold-faced lie. How many times had Wataru scolded him for pushing himself? How often had Wataru chased him down with a bottle of water in his hands or a towel? How many times had he helped Eichi to his feet, held his hand to steady his steps, helped him into his clothing, pushed his wheelchair, held him as he wasted away...
The smile did not leave.
"But I think you should focus now on getting better, Eichi. Let's speak of this another time. I wouldn't want to cause you any distress."
There were many things in this world that Wataru did well.
Singing. Dancing. Various displays of magic.
Hiding himself away was one of these many, many things. Putting on a face to avoid conversations that were upsetting. Not out of self preservation most of the time, either -- Eichi knew well that he was doing this entirely out of spite. It wasn't as though he didn't deserve it, and so, he couldn't fault Wataru's actions. He'd hurt him. Of course he was upset.
The pit grew larger, and Eichi returned his hand to his lap. He stayed silent for a moment, wondering whether or not it was worth it to push this particular subject. It wasn't. He would only risk upsetting Wataru more than he already had were he to insist on stepping away from the script his husband was reading from.
"I'm already quite distressed. " Because seeing you act this way with me is painful, despite knowing that I more than deserve it. "But I'll comply and end the conversation, if that's really what you would like me to do."
"Good! When you're cleared, we can return home and carry on with our conversation, perhaps." Wataru definitely wanted to speak about it, but there in the hospital where others may walk into the room seemed like a bad place.
He was upset enough he knew he'd be moved to tears immediately, and it wasn't the time for that. Not when Eichi had only just woken up. But Wataru was so tired, he couldn't help that he was already fighting himself to hold back a sniffle. He pleasantly dabbed at his nose with a kerchief he produced from nowhere, making it disappear as soon as he was finished with it.
"So focus on becoming not distressed! Let your worries fade! Let your life become filled once again with the sound of music and the light of... oh, you know."
“I know. Please, don’t force yourself.”
Perhaps that was a bit on the nose. He’d apologize for it later. Or maybe he wouldn’t. The whimsical ways of Wataru were something that Eichi ordinarily found more than charming, but he would be lying if he said that he appreciated them in times like these. He knew that it was easier to hide behind false whimsy than yell at his husband in a hospital, though, so Eichi would let him have it. He settled himself back against the pillows, itching idly at his arm as he’d now been forced to hold onto himself for comfort.
“I’m sure I’ll be cleared after a once over. Thankfully, I feel quite well.”
Maybe that would ease his nerves.
"Oho, don't force myself? Ah!" Wataru lifted his hands, let his mask drop just enough that his lip twitched, breaking the smile just a little. "Wise words, wise words!"
He didn't want to kill Eichi again by going any further, didn't want to fight in a hospital room, so he dropped the entire act and slumped back down into his chair. "Hopefully they let you out as quickly as before. I want to go home."
Wrong choice of words, clearly. Dammit.
Eichi bit the inside of his lip, making sure to be gentle enough not to draw any blood. God only knew what would happen if the doctors saw him present with a bleeding mouth. He'd likely be forced to stay here for three seconds longer than either of them could handle, which was already essentially a nonexistent amount of time.
"I'm sure they will. It's likely that I'll just be scolded as per usual and let go." There wasn't anything wrong with him, after all. "Then we can make our way back home." Where you yourself can scold me, as I rightfully deserve.
—----------------
"Finally, we're alone so I can scold you myself. Which you rightfully deserve." Wataru hung his keys, immediately closing the door as Eichi came inside. He'd remained almost completely silent on the drive home, but now that they were alone and in a place they could run if need be, Wataru was ready for his performance.
"I hope the sex you begged me for was worth it, because that's the last time I'm ever doing something like that with you!" He kept the smile on, trying so hard to fight back the tears that were coming. "You understand I saw you die once, right? You understand that everything I do, I do for you, because I love you! And I want to enrich your life, I want to give you all the love I have to offer, I want to follow your every command, because I want you to feel the wonder and the..."
God damn it, he had no idea what he was actually talking about. Wataru, frustrated at no longer knowing where the hell the scene was going, not sure how to improvise himself out, not giving Eichi a single second to speak. He covered his face with his hands as he lost the ability to do it with the usual joy of his own voice.
"...is my love not enough for you? Has it become monotonous so much so you’d ask me to put you in harm’s way After all this time, are you bored of me, Eichi?"
"No."
His answer was immediate, so much so that he nearly frightened himself. There was no possible way, no conceivable way, that Eichi could ever grow tired of Wataru. Not in any sense of the word. There was no other human that embodied mystique and intrigue so wholly, no other person in any world that could hold his interest so wholly and fully. His love for his husband was something that was metaphorically wound around his ailing bones like tree roots, nestled within him to make a beautiful home out of the useless body he'd been forced to inhabit. He loved Wataru. More than anything.
And he hated making Wataru upset.
Which was something that he had grown quite accustomed to doing these days, whether intentionally or not.
"I could never be bored of you, Wataru. Your love is more than enough for me." Seeing Wataru cover his face, Eichi felt the intense need to comfort, but he knew better than to try his hand at physicality when his dear one was still fraught with emotion. He took a step closer anyway, opting to be within touching vicinity for when it felt appropriate to do so. "I'm sorry that I made you think otherwise. And I apologize for repeating myself, but I am sorry for frightening you. Nothing is worth upsetting you to this extent."
Even if it made me feel more human than treating me like glass does, He wouldn't add. Even if it made me feel normal for just a second.
Wataru dragged the hands down from his face, trusting Eichi's words. He searched his eyes, really searched them, for any signs he may be lying. But of course, Eichi had been trained from birth to be pleasant, to have that same damn look on his face. Proper, poised, unfeeling. Or maybe, Wataru wondered, he just didn't know what he was seeing anymore.
"No, no, I'm angry with you. Don't you..." He choked back a sob, completely uncalled for and inelegant. Wataru tried to soak it back up, to stop the stupid barrage of emotions, but it just wouldn't stop. His body allowed him to stop sobbing, but the tears continued no matter how much he rubbed the sleeve onto his face.
"Eichi, I told you this would happen. And yet you begged me anyhow, do you not see? Do you not understand?" He, himself, couldn't even put it into words anymore. It was as though he had a full, elegant, coherent thought - you want me to ravish you, but I don't want to - I want to treat you delicately because you're precious to me - but nothing would reach his lips. He had so much he wanted to say - I only ever want to make you better, to extend your life, to enrich it and keep you on the edge of your seat so that you never leave me behind again. I don't want to hurt you - but it wouldn't come.
The only thing his voice would give him was "...I almost lost you. Again."
But you didn't almost lose me. I wasn't seconds away from dying, I had just overexerted myself, that was all-
But that wasn't the point. Trying to remind his husband of the actual reality of the situation didn't matter -- what mattered was that he'd fucked up. Plain and simple. What mattered was that he shouldn't have coerced Wataru into doing something that he knew wasn't necessarily beneficial for either of them, despite the twisted way it aided the child within him that longed to do things 'the same way as other people did them'. What mattered was a sincere apology, which was something that he was trying to give -- though Eichi wasn't really sure Wataru was in the mood to hear it, nor was he sure it sounded even remotely as genuine as he hoped it did.
"I understand."
That I was wrong. That I hurt you. That I scared you.
Even though he wouldn't change the night, up until his breaking point, for anything.
"I apologize for acting so selfishly, and for making you do something you were uncomfortable doing. You have every right to be angry with me." He suppressed his urge to reach out and touch Wataru for a moment longer, despite his want to comfort. It was difficult to provide comfort when he was the object of contention, after all. "I'm sorry, Wataru."
He watched the pieces in Eichi's mind fall into place, as though Wataru was a chessboard and his words were the pieces coming to overtake him. If Wataru was willing to roll over and die this would already be checkmate, but he stood tall despite the tears.
Was he hearing himself? Was this just some regurgitated platitude that he would forget the next time they were alone? Whatever it was, it was snuffing out all of the magic that was left, and Wataru was starting to feel himself fold.
"You're just trying to make me quiet down," Wataru muttered under his breath. "I suppose you're right to... for the sake of our marriage. I'm sorry for shouting." Please don't get more upset and collapse... again.
"But we need to compromise somehow, because last night..." made me legitimately never want to touch you again.
"I'm not."
Despite the claim being muttered, Eichi could still pick up on it -- but that was where he'd leave it. There wasn't any sense in arguing about his sincerity, either. Though it did bother him that Wataru believed him to be spouting his apologies from somewhere other than his heart, it wasn't important right now. Getting more riled up than they already were would serve no purpose, and it was likely that if they were to continue on like this, there would be another hospital visit. And that would only land them back at square one, relieving no frustration and compounding their already accumulated stress.
"You had every right to shout. It's alright." At last, he reached for Wataru's hand, unsure if it would be taken. He'd resigned himself to the fact that it likely wouldn't be.
"Last night should have never happened, despite my insistence. That much is clear." There was nothing to compromise on , in his mind. There was no middle ground to find. Nothing of the sort would ever happen again, and he would just have to be alright with that. It wasn't as though the intimate moments that the two of them had shared had been anything short of magical to begin with. It wasn't as though he disliked the sex that they always had. His want for something different didn't mean he disliked their normal, no matter how Wataru interpreted it.
"... How do you want to proceed?" Even the way he asked sounded too clinical, and he shook his head a bit in search of rephrasing. "I mean, what would make you the most comfortable? I'm more than fine with being with you just as we always have. But not until you're comfortable with doing so. If you ever are again. If not, that's alright, too. ... I hope that I'm making sense."
Wataru took a breath. Eichi had never sounded so stiff, even if he always was. Even if he was looking at him now, desperate, Eichi's voice still sounded political and cold to him.
"...I suppose first I need to hear your reasoning for putting me through that," He took a long time to respond, an awkward amount of time to think of just one answer. Wataru was certain he knew the reason - because he was bored of what they were doing, because Wataru had done such 'fun and exciting' things with so many others, because Wataru wasn't enough anymore.
This world housed magic, real magic, the kind that Wataru could never master. Who wouldn't grow bored of the same tricks when plenty of people outside were so much better than he was?
"It wasn't because of anything you've done, or anything that you will ever do." Eichi sighed at last, only noticing now that he'd been holding his breath for at least part of this conversation. "I will never be unhappy with you, Wataru. I will never be bored of you. I know that I said that earlier, but I want to make it clear. I love you."
He hesitated to follow his declaration, searching for the right words.
"... It's a selfish reason, really, and I'm fully aware of that. I enjoy every minute that we spend together, and I mean that. But there are times in which I want to pretend that treating me delicately isn't a necessity , if that makes sense." The second he verbalized it, it sounded stupid, but he would continue anyway. "Again, it isn't as though I don't enjoy it, because I do. There are simply times in which I want to forget that I'm not like anyone else. I want to experience things the way that I feel as though anyone else would. It doesn't stem from a lack of unhappiness in our relationship. ... It's an issue that I've struggled with my entire life, in many different areas. Regardless, I should have let my selfish thoughts and desires remain just that. Especially so newly after a wound as big as the one I had left had healed."
I'm just stupid, was what this all could be chalked up to, really. But this wasn't the time for a pity party, and that was far too short of a sentence for someone as disgusting verbose as himself.
Ah, so it was a misunderstanding. Wataru's shoulders relaxed just a little and he matched Eichi's rapport, listening to every word before planning his next line.
"...oh."
As if he was surprised. So funny to think that it was him being selfish - however honest Eichi sounded, there was still a voice in the back of his mind telling him that it wasn't true. But he would humor his audience, he would trust him more than himself - it was Eichi he was performing for, anyhow.
"Eichi, I've never treated you 'as though you were glass' on purpose. I was giving you my love, in the exact way I felt it." He smiled sheepishly, looking away from his husband's gaze. As though he'd only just confessed to him for the first time. "I'm not treating you delicately, that is... the way I make love to you is..."
How would one word it? What was the best way to describe how he felt, how his body responded to love?
"...you're the only one I've ever been with like this. It was only ever a way to entertain others, but you..."
Finally, as though someone had held up a sign with Wataru's forgotten line, he met Eichi's gaze with a little more confidence. At last, the script had been written for him!
"You aren't like anyone else. I'll never treat you as such because you are not - you are my husband, and the way that I love you is reserved for you only. Not because you are made of glass, but because I don't feel the need to perform outlandishly as though you're a bystander who won't remember me tomorrow if I do not." A wider smile - a mask, of course, but not one Wataru wore out of necessity or out of feeling the need to cover himself. Just a mask so that he could believe in his joy again. "Does that make sense? I would love you the same even if you were as healthy as I am."
"It does make sense, yes. And though I had no doubts, I have to admit that it reassures that nasty part of me to hear you say it aloud."
Wataru did not treat Eichi like he was breakable because he was sickly.
Wataru treated him as though he was delicate because that's what Wataru was -- a romantic, hopelessly so, someone so full of love that he expressed it in their intimacy with featherlight touches and kisses so delicate that Eichi's own skin would prickle and flush red with the embarrassment of being taken care of so lovingly. In their love, he was not looking to entertain. He was looking to share himself, and who he was, with the person that he loved the most. It was Eichi's own insistent mental nagging and insecurity that had warped that and had strong-armed someone so soft into doing something that had only ended up hurting the both of them.
"I'm sorry for not speaking to you about these insecurities. If I had, this wouldn't have happened."
But hindsight was 20/20, he supposed. A phrase he'd forced himself into living with for years now.
"I love the way that you love. I apologize for making you think otherwise, and for trying to change you. This will never happen again, and I will swear that to you." He could only hope that Wataru would believe him, despite him wholeheartedly meaning what he'd said. "The next time I'm having such insecurities, I'll make sure you're aware of them. I'm sorry for allowing them to hurt you as they have, and for allowing them to make you think that you weren't enough anymore."
A sigh, as though the curtain had just fallen and it was time to get out of a prickly corset.
"...I'm glad to hear it. I thought..." Wataru shook his head, letting out a tiny chuckle. "Ah, perhaps we shouldn't dwell, isn't that right! You've only just got home, and we haven't settled in. So let's wear a smile, let's take off our shoes and dance in the living room!"
He did exactly that, bounding past his husband and giving him an exaggerated bow. "You're like a child, you know. I've said it a hundred times. You stomp your feet and demand the silliest things - you're lucky you've found someone who finds it charming." As if he hadn't just roasted the man, Wataru held out his hand for him. "You're also like a politician so old and out of touch with the youth around him when you’re trying to convince people of something, ooh, you give me whiplash! It's exciting!"
"Thanks. I love you too, Wataru."
Despite the fact that he'd just been made fun of, Eichi couldn't help but laugh. Wataru was right, after all. Everything about him was contradictory. Childish and intolerable one minute, old and out of touch the next. He truly did thank his lucky stars each and every day that his husband hadn't yet tired of his ridiculous, inconsistent complexities, despite being around him for more years than most. He bent down to remove his shoes before making his way to join the love of his life, someone he was so blessed to have, in their living room.
How he loved to see him smile. How he found comfort in the hand extended to him yet again, time after time, after everything they'd gone through together.
How stupid of him to nearly throw that away for his own stupid, selfish mental struggles.
Eichi took Wataru's hand as gently and delicately as he always had, as was written in the script that he would never dream of deviating from.
"Would you like to start the music, or shall I?"