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Harry sat calmly in the bed, hands folded over his lap and his eyes trained upon Merlin. The other man met his gaze, jaw set and typical clipboard held tightly in front of him. They don’t speak, haven’t spoke for the past minute or so. They were at an impasse, the ideas and suggestions they were trying to come up with continuously dying mid sentence.
There was no way out of this one. Not this time.
“Do you want me to go get Eggsy?” Merlin finally asked, blinking his eyes rapidly behind his glasses. He forced the tears back, kept his breathing even. Harry appreciated that because if his friend, his good and dear friend started to cry, then it would hit Harry, and he wouldn’t know what to do.
He already doesn’t know what to do. Doesn’t know how to tell Eggsy, doesn’t know how to…
“No,” he responded and surprised himself. It seemed that he surprised Merlin as well as the man raised a brow and rubbed a hand underneath his glasses.
“Are you sure? You should probably tell him, you’ve got years to-”
“Yes. I’m sure,” Harry took a deep breath then exhaled. “This is between me and you, alright? I’ve got a few years left and I’ll continue to act as Arthur. In the meantime, Merlin, you are to search for a replacement and provide proper training. Understood?”
Merlin didn’t respond, at first, but he nodded his head.
“Thank you. Now, if you’d please, I’d like some privacy,” Harry unfolded his hands and rubbed his face. Merlin nodded, again, and turned around to head towards the door. He hovered in the archway, fingers rapping lightly on the metal door before he gave Harry one final look. When his friend met his gaze, Merlin was taken aback by how tired Harry had appeared, how old and just ... done, he was, for lack of a better word.
“I’m sorry this happened to you, Harry,” Merlin found himself saying. Harry smiled ruefully.
“After getting lucky several times, these past few years, I suppose something of this nature was bound to happen,” Harry responded, a subtle hint of resignation evident in his tone. “But you will take care of Kingsman and Eggsy for me, yes?”
“Of course,” Merlin immediately responded. Harry nodded. A few seconds passed between the two old friends.
“Thank you, Allan,” Harry mumbled and his friend doesn’t respond, knowing that the use of his name is only used for dire situations. He nodded, again, choppy and rigid as he stepped out, letting the door close behind him. On the other side, Merlin sighed, and rubbed his hand against his face once more.
A couple of tears slipped but he was quiet, and as soon as it began, Merlin composed himself and began to walk away with his eyes trained on his clipboard.
“It already begins, doesn’t it Harry?” he mumbled as he walked, studying the information he’d collected on frontotemporal dementia. He had a couple of notes written next to the information. Next to the behavior paragraph he had pulled from a website, he had written ‘withdrawal from friends and family,’ and ‘slight shaking of hands.’
He tapped his finger against the paper and sighed before flipping it over to get to the tablet part of the clipboard. As he walked back to the Handler department, he looked up Harry’s past family medical records, making note of which symptoms appeared most often within the family.
After a few record checks, his jaw was completely set and his fingers shook the tiniest bit after each family member. Settled down at a rather large, comfy chair in the main, circular room for the handlers, he set the tablet down and cracked his fingers before resting them behind his head. He exhaled harshly and shook his head.
“2 years at most,” Merlin muttered before swiping the browser closed and covering the patient’s notes with a report submitted by the newly recruited Dagonet. He hailed one of the other Handlers, Fay, a petite woman with a pretty black pixie cut, to get him a coffee. She smiled sympathetically at him, assuming that he had stayed the whole night with one of the Kingsman agents while they were on a mission. It wasn’t unheard of for the Handlers to pull all nighters, but she was only half right in this sense.
As she left, Merlin gazed out at the other Handlers at their desks, most talking in hushed whispers and the rapid sound of keyboard clacking filled the air.
Whatever Harry’s decision, and though he knew it to have slight influence from his ... disease, Merlin would respect it and help to carry on with it. Even though he wasn’t sure he agreed with it.
~~~~
A couple of weeks had passed since Harry was secretly taken into the medical wing of the Kingsman estate. He only stayed a single night as Merlin worked out the blood samples and examined the MRI scans. During the time between Merlin talking to him about symptoms and trying to be as comforting as the man could be, Harry studied his sporadically shaking hands and dug through his thoughts for anything out of place.
Though nothing popped out at once, he did note that he was spending less and less time with his family, cutting the customary bi-weekly call to home to only one, none if he just wasn’t feeling up for it that week. Not only that, he realized slowly that he was addressing the agents, the handlers, and whomever else within the Kingsman agency with less polite directedness and instead becoming sort of air headed, often trailing off into thought as to how to word the sentence before completely dropping it altogether. He also couldn’t find himself to want to address these people, though before he was completely okay with doing just that in order to make sure Kingsman ran correctly.
The only people that were free of these thoughts and behavioral attitudes so far were Merlin and Eggsy.
Oh, Eggsy.
Harry absentmindedly thumbed at a picture frame he had on his desk. It depicted him and his boy smiling brightly at a camera, a gorgeous beach and sunset shown behind them. He smiled fondly before it twisted into a frown as his hand began to shake the tiniest bit.
He set the frame aside and looked down at the report in front of him needing his signature. Harry stared at the words, reading them well but the meaning coming slow to him. He sighed and looked up and out the window.
The day was particularly pleasant, the kind of day that had Eggsy not been on a mission in Durham the two would have been pleasantly walking around and basking in the fair sunlight. His hands shook more as he eyed the orange prescription bottle next to the picture frame. He decided that he would not take it, however, not until Eggsy was back, and he needed to cover up.
He also decided that he would need to start to formulate a plan that would protect Eggsy. To help him without telling him.
As Harry slowly returned back to reading and reviewing and signing, his stomach churned and his heart began to drop with tiny increments as his plan began to form and take root in his mind.
Eggsy was going to hate him, and if he ever found out why, he was going to hate Harry even more — maybe even kill him himself.
Harry shook his head and continued signing. He’d give it a week before starting his plan.
~~~~
“Rox, love, I don’t think you understand when I say there were literal fuckin’ piranha pits,” Eggsy began with a huff, glaring at his best friend through the tiny Skype window. Roxy, with her hair pulled back in a messy style and cozy in her pajamas, smirked at Eggsy and raised a perfect brow.
“Ah yes, but have I told you about the time I was held over a pit of electric eels? Maybe even an eccentric billionaire’s great white tank?” Roxy countered and Eggsy groaned, shaking his head.
“See, because of Kingsman, I can’t fuckin’ tell if you’re kidding or not,” Eggsy sighed, placing both hands on his cheeks and rubbed down, warping his face the tiniest bit. Roxy laughed airily, the motion causing the computer screen to shake.
“The world may never know, Eggsy,” Roxy teased, a smile stretched across her face. “Now anyways, you are going to make it for the Christmas party, yeah?”
“Of course. I should be just about done here, just gotta find the fucker and use my charm to seduce him. Easy enough,” Eggsy said and grinned, “Then I can hop back onto a jet and get back to seducing my own man.”
Roxy stuck her tongue out at Eggsy, shaking her head, “I don’t want to know about my friend and my boss’ sex life, thank you very much.”
Eggsy chuckled, then waggled his eyebrows in a ridiculous manner. He said, “Now Rox, you’re saying you don’t want to know what this fabulous piece of ass get’s up to with Harry, who is also a fab-”
“Eggsy, shut up or so help me, I will shove you into a piranha tank myself!” Roxy threatened, but the quirk of her lips at the edges betrayed the venom in her voice.
“Kidding, kidding, sheesh!” Eggsy laughed and then warmly smiled at his friend. “I’ve gotta go. I need my beauty sleep and all that fabulous jazz so that I can finish the mission.”
“Of course. See you soon, Eggsy. Be careful,” Roxy did a little mock salute that Eggsy returned before clicking and exiting the call.
Eggsy closed the Skype window and was faced with a picture of both him and Harry, smiling widely at the camera. Harry had both arms wrapped protectively around Eggsy’s middle, pressing the younger man into his chest. One of Eggsy’s hands rested on Harry’s arms while the other cradled Harry’s cheek.
Eggsy smiled fondly at the picturing, already anticipating his arrival back in London to be greeted by the love of his life. It’d been a couple of months since he last saw Harry, having had to go on back to back missions across the world. With a content sigh, he closed his laptop and prepared to go to sleep. By the end of the week, he would be back in his lover’s arms and they would attend the Christmas party together the following week. All was well.
~~~~
Except it wasn’t. Not really, but Eggsy wasn’t going to say anything about it yet. Maybe Harry was just tired or stressed - God knows what being Arthur does to you - or maybe it’s Eggsy being paranoid.
Somehow, however, Eggsy just couldn’t shake that things weren’t ... right.
Since returning back to London a couple weeks ago, Harry had felt somewhat distant. Yes, they shared kisses and still exchanged pleasantries, but the littlest things that Harry used to do were gone. Like when Harry would wipe away imaginary misplaced hair from Eggsy’s forehead then kiss it before sleeping or when Harry would absentmindedly brush calloused fingers over anywhere he could reach as he passed.
The little things were missing, but again, maybe Eggsy was imagining things, maybe it was-
Eggsy shook his head in the mirror, adjusting his tie and smoothing out invisible wrinkles in his Bespoke suit. A quiet little trill sounded in his ear and Eggsy, after becoming satisfied with his appearance, tapped the side of his glasses to allow an incoming - and polite, thank you Merlin, you ass - call.
“You almost ready?” Roxy asked quietly in his ear and Eggsy considered himself in the mirror.
With a satisfied nod, he responded, “Yeah, just about. You?”
“Of course. I’ll be the hottest Kingsman there and everyone will be severely jealous,” Roxy scoffed which made Eggsy chuckle.
“Of course, Rox,” he trailed off, losing himself to his thoughts again as they went towards Harry.
“Ah, Eggsy? Anything wrong? You’ve been out of it lately,” Roxy asked, voice soft and caring. Eggsy sighed.
“I don’t think so. I’ll let you know as soon as I need someone to talk to, yeah?” Eggsy promised. Roxy was quiet on the other line and Eggsy supposed he didn’t sound very reassuring.
“Alright,” Roxy mumbled, before picking up with a little more cheer, “I’ll see you in a bit!”
“See you,” Eggsy said with a smile as she hung up. Good ol’ Rox, knowing when to leave it alone.
Eggsy gave himself one final, customary look in the mirror before sighing and going off to find Harry so the two could go to the party together.
Another thing, Eggsy noted absentmindedly, was that they didn’t change together like they used to, where Harry would fret over every little thing, all the while holding meaningless banter and talks.
It would be better at the party, Eggsy was sure.
~~~~
Things went fine at the party. Or, at least, were going fine up until it was time for some photos upon Roxy’s insistence. Most of the other agents and handlers had gone off to the little area Roxy had sectioned off for said photos when Eggsy found Harry tugging away his hand.
Confused, Eggsy turned to see Harry looking distantly away. His hands were drawn together in front of himself, and he seemed to be mumbling something to himself though Eggsy couldn’t catch what he was saying.
“Harry, what’s up?” Eggsy asked gently, coming closer to rest a hand comfortingly on Harry’s elbow. The older man flinched the littlest bit which in turn caused Eggsy to jerk his own hand away, confused and worried about somehow hurting the other. However, once Harry turned his distant gaze on Eggsy, something clicked and the older man was suddenly more focused.
Harry smiled and to any other it would seem like the same warm and kind smile he usually gave Eggsy, but the newer agent knew otherwise.
It was the same smile Eggsy has seen him use on targets and on honeypot assignments.
Something inside Eggsy broke the littlest bit.
“Yes, Eggsy?” Harry asked, giving Eggsy his attention. His hand jiggled a little in his hand before Harry wrung them out, rubbing them together and such. Eggsy watched for a moment before meeting his love’s eyes and forcing as sincere a smile as possible.
“Aren’t you going to come with us for pictures?” Eggsy asked, hoping to go for a light tone. Harry didn’t answer for a moment, only stared back at him before cocking his head to the side, seemingly thinking about it.
“Ah, no, actually. I was going to go home, I’ve been feeling quite tired,” Harry said simply, taking a step closer and his smile softened, though it was still fake. “You understand, don’t you?”
Eggsy swallowed quietly before nodding and smiling back. “Yeah. Get home and rest, yeah?” He took a step forward, tilting up to lean in for a kiss. However, instead of meeting him halfway, Harry gently put his hands on Eggsy’s shoulders and pushed him back, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.
“Goodbye, Eggsy,” Harry said before neatly and smoothly sweeping out of the room, leaving Eggsy feeling alone and so terribly lost.
Roxy popped her head in with Merlin in tow and quirked a brow at Eggsy.
“You coming?” she asked, glancing around before her bow furrowed even further, “Where’s Harry?”
Eggsy shook himself internally, forcing a wider smile on his lips before answering, “Yeah. Harry just left, said he was tired.”
“Aw, that’s a damn shame. Was hoping to confuse him with modern technology,” Roxy said teasingly, sweeping forward to link Eggsy’s elbow with her own, ushering him into the picture room. “Oh well, we’re still missing a bunch of other agents it’s all good.”
As she talked on, Eggsy became momentarily distracted, enough for Merlin to look forlornly at the door Harry left out of. He stared for a moment before he shook his head and sighed heavily, turning on his heel to follow Roxy and Eggsy to take some ridiculous pictures.
~~~~
Eggsy hoped that the Christmas party was a fluke, hoped it was really just because Harry was feeling tired but as the days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and finally the months turning to almost being half a year, Eggsy knew something was up.
Though Eggsy was constantly being sent from one mission to another with very little days in between each, the moments he was able to spend at home proved to Eggsy that there was something wrong with Harry.
Where before Eggsy could shrug off Harry’s absences and constant dodging, now he couldn’t. For the other man would constantly be dodging Eggsy, would ignore his calls and texts, always went to bed before Eggsy and woke up long before Eggsy did.
It seemed as though Harry was avoiding him, and it really stung. Eggsy mulled over if he did anything wrong, anything to cause this but Eggsy couldn’t think of a single thing.
With a heavy sigh, Eggsy forced a carefully composed smirk upon his face and entered the high class bar. After getting the information on the newest terrorist organization, Eggsy was due back in London to get the data reviewed.
Then, Eggsy would confront Harry.
~~~~
“Harry,” Eggsy breathed when he entered the new Arthur’s office. The man himself was seated behind his large oak desk, hands clasped tightly in front of him. He was gazing out the window, looking serene with the early morning light pooling beyond the curtains.
He glanced away to look at Eggsy, considering him before he glanced back out the window.
“Eggsy,” he acknowledged, licking his lips briefly. “What can I do for you?”
Eggsy took a breath, then squared himself and stepped further into the room, keeping his hands loose at his side.
“Nothing much, I guess,” Eggsy paused to take another step forward, “But, you could tell me why you’ve been avoiding me lately.”
“I haven’t been avoiding you,” Harry immediately deflected. It made Eggsy’s jaw tightened.
“Bullshit, Harry. Don’t lie to me,” Eggsy said, eyebrows furrowing. Harry didn’t respond, instead he seemed to chew over his words, before he sighed.
“I don’t think this is working,” Harry said slowly, keeping his eyes on his hands. Eggsy took a step back, shock flooding through him.
“What?”
“Us. Eggsy, I think we should see new people,” Harry continued, eyes flickering up and he still spoke calmly, smoothly as if he wasn’t tearing down Eggsy’s world around him.
“Harry, please, was it something that I-”
“Just go, Eggsy,” Harry said gently and Eggsy stared at the stranger before he tore his eyes away, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. He stepped out slowly, closing the door behind him without much heat but just before he did, Eggsy swore he saw Harry raise a shaking hand to his mouth.
~~~~
“Eggsy are you su-”
“Knock off, Rox. Let me go out, get fuckin’ wasted and go home with some dumb bloke okay? Either you’re helping me, or you’re not, either way I’m gonna-”
“Okay.”
There was a pause, the silence settling between the two in the darkness of Roxy’s room.
“Okay.”
Eggsy made to leave, to go home - to his actual home, the one where his mum and Daisy were, not the one he — but Roxy draped herself over him, pulling her friend into a tight embrace.
“I’m sorry, Eggsy.”
The man didn’t respond, only buried his face into her neck and returned the gesture with a quiet sniffle.
~~~~
Months passed and nothing got better.
Harry awoke in the middle of the night with a very empty heart as he stared up at the bland ceiling. For the past couple of days, he’s been waking in the middle of the night with little to no way to fall back asleep. His hands tightened beside him, fingers curling in the soft fabric of his bedspread. The sheets beside him were cold, have been cold since he ended things with Eggsy.
When he sat up, he rubbed a large hand over his face and sighed loudly. Then, he tried to swing his legs over to stand but immediately wobbled and fell flat on his face. Staring ahead at the bedroom door, he ground his teeth and tried to stand once more, but his feet would not cooperate, causing him to promptly collapse again.
With shaking hands, he reached up to his bedside table and grabbed for his phone. He composed a messy message to Merlin as he fought back the lump in his throat.
It s ti m e
~~~~
Barely an hour later found Harry sitting slumped in one of the Kingsman infirmary beds. Merlin sat beside him grimly, arms bent with his face cradled in his hands.
They didn’t speak for the longest time. Merlin tore himself over the fact that he was wrong, that he completely underestimated the time left. Harry, resigned to his fate, awaited on his friend to speak.
“It isn’t your fault,” Harry said gently and Merlin snapped his head up at that.
“No, I suppose not,” Merlin mumbled, shaking his head. “Do you want me to-”
“Do not tell Eggsy,” Harry cut in immediately, his voice tight and cracking in the middle. “I don’t want him to see me like this, not before I-”
“For fuck’s sakes, Harry! How do you think it’s going to affect him when you’re gone and the two of you ended it because you were dying?” Merlin exploded, giving Harry an incredulous look. “You’ve ruined the poor boy, and what do you hope to accomplish with not telling him?”
Harry only stared at his friend, mouth open in a little ‘o’ before he shook his head and smiled bitterly, eyes completely mad. “I couldn’t understand some of what you said, Allan.”
Merlin stared back before he exhaled loudly and stood, retrieving his clipboard. Turning his back on Harry, he typed out a message and hit send quickly before returning his attention to Harry.
“I’ll prepare the shot,” Merlin said slowly and upon Harry’s nod he continued, “And we’ll finish this in an hour.”
“Thank you,” Harry murmured, settling back into the plush pillows of the infirmary bed.
~~~~
Eggsy awoke groggily to a message on his phone. He fumbled for the thin electronic and struggled to unlock it with the ridiculous code he put on it.
As he fumbled, he noted it was 3 in the morning and he should totally be allowed to sleep in till 12 dammit.
But, by the time he opened the message - from Merlin, he noted with a huff - he was awake, rubbing at one of his eyes as he read.
He raised a brow, confused before he huffed again and forced himself up, pulling on some clothes that lay about his room. His phone, momentarily abandoned on his bed, was open to Merlin’s simple but confusing message.
Come to infirmary 3 immediately
~~~~
Eggsy wandered the empty halls of the Kingsman headquarters idly, checking each room he passed with mild curiosity. The facility was mostly empty, save for the Handler’s room where a few were still awake and cooperating with agents that were in the field.
As he walked, Eggsy wondered what Merlin could possibly need with him at this time in the morning but as he came up to infirmary 3, Eggsy noticed the door cracked with warm light pooling out to fill the dim hallway.
Coming through, Eggsy could hear Merlin talking and then -
Harry speaking as well. Eggsy slowed, a million thoughts racing through his mind as he neared and he shouldn’t snoop, but he found himself stopping just outside the door to listen.
“ - found a new Arthur?” Harry asked and there was some shuffling from his end.
“Yes, I believe she will suffice. Do know, she was very disheartened to hear about your condition,” Merlin responded, voice soft. Eggsy startled, inching closer to hear as this was the first he’s hearing of this condition.
“Send her my words,” Harry said, pausing a moment before he sighed. “This is very saddening.”
“Yes, it is,” Merlin agreed, before he tentatively said, “Are you sure you don’t want to tell Eggsy?”
“What? That my mind is slowly deteriorating and I can’t be bothered to talk to people anymore?” Harry growled, voice rising. “That I can’t stop shaking, that I can’t remember some things or that I’ve finally lost all my balance? Or maybe, this is just the little bits before this disease kills me just as soon as it started?”
It’s quiet again as all the information is absorbed into Eggsy’s mind. He numbly hears Merlin begin talking again, trying to reason but Eggsy couldn’t hear it.
Slowly, he stood straight and pushed open the door, ignoring the sharp inhale from Harry as he stepped in. Eyes stinging, he raised them to take in the sight of Harry in the infirmary bed while Merlin sat beside him in a chair.
In a voice shaking and disbelieving following a pause of silence, Eggsy asked, “Harry?”