Chapter Text
Idiot.
What a stupid fucking idiot shes been yet a fucking gain.
She really believed this time it would be different. That this time every word wouldn’t be wasted telling Jackie that she deserved so much better than Jeff fucking Sadecki and that Jackie was totally right he was being an asshole.
This being the 7th break up this year already Shauna should have known better But no Shauna is a total fucking fool who believes anything Jackie Taylor says when she looks at her with those stupidly big eyes.
If shes being honest it is impressive how quickly Jackie’s supposed resolve broke. They were only on their second beer at this ridiculous party Jackie had swore was the only thing that would cheer her up,
When Jeff had stumbled up with a
“ I’m like really sorry babe” it took Jackie only one guilty look at Shauna before she had flung her self into his arms and there had went the rest of the night. No longer a fun night with her best friend dancing and blowing off steam instead she was demoted to standing in the orbit of the worlds most obnoxious couple sipping warm beer with a bitter taste in her mouth she wasn’t sure she could blame the beer on.
They have a moment of peace when Jeff heads to get them all drinks. Shauna tries to enjoy finally getting some time with her best friend but Jackie seems determined to ruin it. Its Jackie’s third suggestion and Shauna’s third denial that she dance with Randy Walsh because “ it would be so perfect! we could finally double date! And jeff says he likes you sooo much!” That pushes Shauna over the edge The tension in her snaps and a haze no actually a block of red descends.
“I do not want or need Randy Walsh anywhere fucking near me!”
“Thats not nice Shauna he really likes you”
“And I! Don’t! Like! Him!”
“Well maybe you shouldn’t be so goddamn picky!” Jackie says this with a huff clearly annoyed Shauna won’t bend to her will on this.
A hurt washes over Shauna that takes most of the rage out of her. Its not just the words its the implication of them thats the worst part ‘shouldn’t be so picky’ what it really means rattles around her head. That he is the only one who would want you and you should just take what your given.
This is the downside of having a person that knows you inside and out ,they really know how to make it hurt.
Jackie’s brain must finally catch up to her mouth and she looks guilty, ashamed ,she softens stepping closer to Shauna.
She gently takes Shauna’s hands that had been clenched so hard her knuckles are pure white. Shauna begins to deflate ready to cave like she always does bury the hatchet and her pain. Always the pushover for this girl and her ridiculous eyes.
“Im sorry i just really want you to be as happy as me and Jeff.” Just like waving red at a bull Shauna’s rage flows free again. She pulls her hands free of Jackie’s.
“Bullshit! you literally just got back together and honestly i give it a week before you realise you can barley stand him again!” She knows Jackie well enough to make it hurt too.
And then like a fucking cosmic joke in comes Jeff and Randy drinks in hand laughing about something most definitely stupid. She steps round Jackie trying not to let the obvious pain on Jackie’s face break her resolve to get the fuck away from her. She marches towards the pair of idiots grabs a cup out of Jeff’s hand and shoves with more aggression than needed past them relishing hearing their indigent shouts at the spilling of the rest of the drinks.
Shes ends up outside gulping in the fresh air like someone who had been drowning only seconds before mindlessly heading towards the pool of this ridiculously nice house. As she sits on the edge of the pool she tries to remember the name of the senior throwing this party. She thinks maybe Claire S. but really can’t remember for sure. Jackie had sold their attendance to this party on the promise that it was only a 20 min walk back to hers. none of that really mattered because Shauna would have caved anyway they both knew it. It was a dance they had. She would say no Jackie would say please and pout and would get close enough to Shauna that her stupid perfume would drift into Shauna’s stupid head and she would agree and Jackie would squeal and wrap her arms around Shauna squeezing so tight that the breathless feeling Shauna got could be explained away.
She takes a swig of the drink she stole from Jeff the theft filling her with a satisfaction the vile strawberry flavoured hell immediately rips away. Jackie doesn’t even like strawberry she likes peach. Everything peach. Drinks, snacks hell even her lip balm is peach! Jeff really doesn’t know shit.
Jackie had put on fresh coat just before they left offered Shauna some but Shauna had been guiltily refusing anything peach after she realised just how ridiculously and foolishly in love she was with Jackie Taylor.
As she stares at the lights dancing on the pool sipping the strawberry hell. Shes pretty sure she has always been in love with Jackie. Little Shauna saw the girl with the pretty hair and the sunflower on her dungarees helping a snail climb up a bush and boom. She was a goner. She knew she would follow this girl where ever she was going and when she pushed the boy who tried to squash the snail the squeal of approval Jackie gave her sealed the friendship in stone.
At 15 she worked out she was different and that not everyone thought boys and girls were equally promising options. She noticed that other more normal girls didn’t trip when they noticed Lottie Matthews had grabbed a soccer shirt that was just a little too short and was showing a dangerous strip of skin. And She knew best friends shouldn’t get butterflies when their bff tucked some lose hair behind their ear and kisses their cheek after pulling them up from said embarrassing fall.
She had tried, really tried to change she picked up what ever religion she could pray to to try and fix her. When that failed she tried to distance herself physically and mentally trying to stop crossing boundaries Jackie never even knew
They needed to have. The guilt ate her alive. She felt like a predator a big bad wolf hiding behind a coat of wool and friendship to trap the poor lamb Jackie. Jackie noticed and it led to the biggest fight they had ever had. 6 whole days of not talking. Eventually the Yellowjackets sick of the tension had staged an intervention and what could Shauna do but cave and claim she was just really stressed about school and soccer and her parents and that she would stop being such a bitch.
Now she just swallows the guilt and gets on with it Cause breaking Jackie’s heart would break them both in ways she couldn’t articulate.
A body sits down next to her.
She wishes it was Jackie but she knows its not she knows when the sun shines on her and right now the sun probably has Jeff’s tongue down her throat in between rants about what a bitch shaun is being.
“Shipman that big brain of yours will combust if you think any harder”
She looks up genuinely happy to see Van is the one sitting next to her. She looks amazing in her jeans and jacket her hair wild and free in a way soccer doesn’t allow.
“Hey van you look nice!”
“Don’t lie shipman I’m way underdressed” she nods towards Shauna’s dress. The boob dress.
The one Jackie had insisted on her wearing.
“Jackie picked it out i wasn’t so sure about it…. But really im not lying you look.. you look so good you look like handsome!” And drunk Shauna’s mouth goes faster than her head and no girl wants to be called handsome and now vans going to hate her just like Jackie does and
She feels van bump her shoulder into hers and looks up ready to grovel to Van but sees no ounce of anger only the hint of a blush
“Thanks Shauna”
“So what has the water done to upset you”
It takes her a moment to catch up to what Van means.
“Oh um me and Jackie well we got in a fight she uh she wanted me to dance with randy and i just didnt want to and now i cant really go anywhere cause im staying at hers so im just trying to like …..chill out i guess”
Van takes a second to consider what Shauna’s saying and its one of the things she loves about Van. That she really listens to what people have to say.
“Did you like piss in Jackie’s cheerio’s cause that is literally the only reason i can see why she would try punish you with randy ‘what is soap’ Walsh”
Another thing Shauna loves about Van is that she doesn’t bullshit.
So the relief that floods through Shauna that shes not crazy, she is worth more than settling for randy is fucking magical and heartbreaking Because why does Jackie.
The tears start before she can stop and Van. Steady solid van just pulls her into her side so Shauna can sob away. Eventually she runs out of tears and Van just starts telling her about stupid things shes seen people do and a particularly ridiculous story about Natalie hiding from a mall cop behind misty quiqly and ending up at a movie with her pulls Shauna out her misery.
They are both laughing while Shauna shares the story of the bee she saw Coach Scott running from when they hear the sound of vomiting. They are hidden from the view of the party due to convenient cover from the pool house.
“OMG lisa did you see jeff and jackie are back on!”
“…” the other girl seems oblivious that poor Lisa is emptying her bodyweight in vomit off to the side.
“Yeah and they have been like kissing for hours but i suppose they are both athletes so like that makes total sense they have the stamina and stuff”
“…”
“I wonder if they will get married after school they are such a good couple it would suck if they didnt but like we shoul……” the rest of the conversation is lost to the sounds of the party and a door slamming shut.
A bitter laugh bubbles up Shauna’s throat.
“Lets hope me and randy don’t make it a double wedding”
“Shauna” Van voice has set to a serious tone.
“You don’t have to like pretend…. That it doesn’t fucking suck shes ended back with him” Van grabs Shauna’s hand. Strong steady.
“You can be honest with me”
Shauna looks up sharply straight into Van’s eyes and gets what shes saying. Understands what the other girl is trying to say without saying. Kind and steady Van is giving Shauna the space to leave the conversation unsaid if she wants. Its in her eyes the soft understanding that shes not going to judge Shauna what ever choice she makes here. Maybe its the hellish strawberry or the 4 beers that gives her the courage.
“Its uhh its not really jeff. I think maybe that it would be…..” and this is it that moment she can pull the chute and walk away but Shauna finds herself desperate to free this awful secret to be honest in even just one moment of her life that isn’t scrawled in journals she hides under her bed.
“It would be any guy with her that would upset me” and its an awfully wonderful feeling to look up and see van with nothing but an understanding small smile on her face.
Van squeezes her hand.
“I knew we were playing for more that one side of the same team”
Shauna shoves her.
“I have just revealed my deepest secret and you joke. You are laughing at my pain!” And Shauna’s laughing too of course because honestly its hard not to laugh around Van.
“Not at your pain just at our cliché ness , we are soccer playing lesbians thats objectively funny”
“Im uh both i like both”
Van solemnly nods
“Im sorry for your loss”
And as if to prove vans point a crew of boys come barreling to jump in the pool.
Van manages to pull her and Shauna up and away from the gaggle of shouting idiots before they get drenched and leads Shauna to a bench on the otherside of the garden, Where she pulls her jacket off and gives it to a slightly shivering Shauna.
It feels so good to sit in companionable silence just knowing that her friend van knows the truth and shes like her. It doesn’t feel like such an all consuming fear anymore. She told someone and the world didn’t end. The party starts to move outside to watch the spirited game of chicken the boys are playing.
Shauna risks whispering a question shes scared to hear the answer too
“Do you think …will if ever get any easier”
Van’s eyes look towards the people falling into the garden her eyes catching something Shauna cant quite see.
“I think that its always gonna be a bit hard but that makes it so much more worth it. I think being honest always is”
Van strong steady kind handsome Van flashes her the biggest smile Shauna has ever seen.
“This right here is proof than being honest is fucking incredible doesn’t it feel amazing right now Shipman”
Shauna’s feelings have went on a fucking rollercoaster tonight but she can’t lie. she feels freer than she has in years.
Later while they are laughing about the bee story again and van is telling Shauna to “Bee serious” Tai tentatively approaches glaring at Shauna’s body??Oh the jacket shes glaring at the jacket. Weird maybe she doesn’t like vans style like Jackie doesn’t like hers.
“Whats so funny”
“Hive got to tell you about it later”
Tai clearly hating being out the loop bristles until Van gently touches tai’s elbow and she deflates and suddenly another thing clicks into place for Shauna and she feels a little less strange and little more lonely but seeing the little smile van gives tai well Shauna isn’t a monster she wants her friends to be that happy.
Shauna is pulled from her thoughts when a ball of bright energy and tension comes storming into their little circle.
“So even though you have been a complete bitch im so sorry i was like mean i just was feeling overwhelmed with the jeff thing and i get it and i promise no more randy and jeff said you were right its rude to try and make you like someone and that he will walk us home but i do think you should apologise to him cause you were really rude and he made that drink with like love so yeah im sorry and we should leave.”
Shauna feels the presence of Jackie hit her like a fucking wall. Everytime she sees her its like staring at the sun and she gets like stunned and stupid. And caves.
“Thanks I’m uh sorry that i was a bitch i just had like a really sore head and uh…” she cant imagine a worse feeling than third wheeling a Jeff and Jackie walk home and staying at Jackie’s after this night of honesty with Van, Feels far too constricting panic starts to rise in Shauna’s veins.
Weirdly its Tai that saves her.
“Shipman was actually just saying that her head hasn’t stopped hurting so Van was gonna give her a lift home”
“YOu cant drive Shauna home drunk van!” Jackie squeals.
Van wiggles her keys
“Sober as a judge Taylor, lost a bet with tai.”
Jackie seems to have no argument with that but looks disappointed.
Shauna is just about to cave to do what ever Jackie wants when she catch’s the slight squeeze van gives tai and it strengthens her. Her backbone is strong.
“Yeah jacks sorry i just feel like trash …..but ill come over tomorrow and get my car and we can watch whatever movie you want” hey even steel bends under heat and Jackie Taylor’s eyes would melt concrete.
“Yeah…yeah okay ill uh tell jeff and ill see you tomorrow” she pulls Shauna into a crushing hug and kisses her cheek before turning heel and running to find Jeff.
Shes not sure if tai knows what she just saved her from but from the causal intimacy her and van share in the car in front of Shauna gives it away she supposes it takes one to know one and Tai was always a fast learner.
At her house she shrugs off Vans jacket and hands it to tai. Shauna’s not that slow either.
“Thanks for…..well just thanks for it all i guess”
“Shipman theres no need. us cliches gotta stick together. The hive survives.”
“If you need a ride after Lottie’s next week van doesn’t really drink so she can drop you home again.”
Its so very Taissa to extend an olive branch using someone else. It stuns Shauna for a second until she see’s it for what it is shes letting her in.
“Ill uh keep it in mind”
They wait till Shauna gets in and then drive off.
Shauna goes to sleep in her own bed feeling like something(one) is missing but a lot more at peace.