Chapter Text
Steven Harrington was always afraid. He was terrified of the monsters under his bed, of his father and the darkness in the cellar. His whole body went still in those moments and he couldn’t move, the feeling of dread creeping into his insides. Mr. Harrington did not appreciate it. He let it be known on Steve’s skin many times. Because of this, by the age of twelve he was afraid to *be afraid.*
*“Never let anyone know you are weak. You are not some fucking pussy. Be a man and face your shit head on, stupid boy!”* Mr. Harrington would scream while getting his belt ready.
When Steve cried in the cellar where his father would lock him up, his time there had gotten longer. The faint smell of mold and rat poison seeping into his mind. He tried not to cry, to master his emotions. To never let his weaknesses shine through his eyes.
He succeeded. But then…
The upside down was indeed terrifying. From the few descriptions of it he heard from Dustin and his friends he already had nasty nightmares. The demo-dogs and other ugly monsters did not help the matters. Then there was the hive mind. The big horrid monster materialized from its melted victims. Not to even mention the Russians that beat him to a pulp, drugged and almost killed him. However most of the time his nightmares consisted of his absolute worst fear. Witnessing his friends die at the hands of these monsters. Being frozen, unable to move or locked up in the cellar and only hearing the horrifying screams before the dead silence.
That actually became the reality one too many times. Nancy at the hands of Vecna, Max broken and blinded, and then…Eddie Munson.
When he saw him cradled to Dustin’s chest, absolutely shredded to pieces by the Demobats, he felt trapped just like in his nightmares. Even as they rushed him through the portal and into the Hawkins lab. Even after the doctors announced that he will live and he saw for himself that Eddie was breathing, the monitor by his side beeping steadily. Even then he felt like dying, because he wasn’t able to protect them all and now Eddie had big scars all over his body. Dustin still sometimes panicked when Eddie was in the bathroom for too long and he himself sometimes called Robin in the night just to confirm that this wasn’t a nightmare.
After defeating Vecna and destroying the upside down once and for all everything was supposed to go back to normal. To some extent it *was* normal. Eddie reinstated his club with the kids. Joyce moved back to Hawkins with El and Will. Jonathan stayed, having to finish his university.
He broke up with Nancy. Neither of them talked about it much, but Steve knew that Nancy still wrote him pages long letters and got loads of photographs with Jonathan’s handwriting in return. He could only guess that after all they’ve been through it was hard not to stay friends.
He didn’t try again to date Nancy. He was acutely aware she wasn’t interested and to be honest with himself neither was he. He liked the idea of having someone but he was sure now that it wasn’t Nancy Wheeler. Nancy and him proofed to work better as friends than anything more. Besides that, he saw the budding romance between her and Robin. It was subtle and unassuming but it was there. He would never want to ruin that.
The kids seemed to be recovering pretty quickly considering what they have been through. Max was still in the hospital even after three months. Her blind eyes also haunted Steve’s nightmares. He should have protected her better than to let her almost die. How could he let her risk her life like that?
Somehow she and the others were much stronger than him and they were able to laugh honestly. To love deeply. Will and Mike mended their friendship pretty quickly. Steve would see them biking together or spend their free days in the park. Will would be drawing and Mike silently preparing the next campaign and sneak quite glances at his friend. Steve never wanted to interrupt those moments. They seemed precious and fragile.
He himself spent his days working and, as much as he hated to admit it, babysitting. It couldn’t be called anything else at this point. He would get up at an unreasonably early hour and cook breakfast for anyone who decided to sleep over (usually Robin). Then he got into his car and drove around Hawkins to pick all the kids that needed it (including Eddie that made full recovery). After dropping the loud group off at school he headed to Family videos to work with Robin.
At around 3 p.m. it was “mother hen time” as Robin kindly named it. He would pick up everyone from school and let them hang in Loch Nora mansion. And yes, he did make waffles, pancakes or even pastries but they were damn good and nobody better complain or tease him. Except they all did, calling him “single mum Steve” or “Steve, the nanny”. If he was honest, he liked it. Liked being needed and helpful. Because then no one would leave as long as he provided what they wanted, and he seemed to be doing a good job at that.
Except during the nights it was all different. Alone in the big house, cold sweat on his skin but his body unable to move to go shower. Because that would mean touching water. And he didn’t really like that. Not after the Lover’s lake. Not after helplessly gasping for air and failing. Not after the darkness settling into his eyes.
And so Steve was once again paralyzed by his fear. He would never admit it to anyone. He knew it was stupid. How could someone, who was a grown ass man, be afraid of baths? But he was. He was terrified.
His father said to him many times “to face his shit head on”. To “not be a pussy”. And because it was the umpteen time he cried before getting into the shower that weak he decided, stupidly, to listen to the voice of his father in his head.
The swimming pool in the Hawkins High was relatively deep. Steve spent many days practicing in it, trying to get the perfect technique to impress the coach. Back then it was so easy to submerge and quickly find the rhythm of the water. How different he was from back then was startling sometimes.
His legs literally trembled as he stripped his clothes down until he was just in his underwear and stood on the starting block. He was hesitant, looking into the depth of the water. It seemed to stretch on as if to mock him.
*“Stop being a fucking pussy, and act like a Harrington, you retard!”*. He heard Mr. Harrington’s voice and had to look around to convince himself that he wasn't really standing behind him. As he turned sharply his legs slipped on the starting block and he fell backwards into the pool with a loud splash.
The moment his whole body submerged he realized that he couldn’t move. His legs were cramped and stiff. He tried to move his arms and started panicking. But his body seemed to just give up at feeling the shock of water touching its skin. Steve was now gasping for air, the water filling his lungs and the light from the ceiling less and less visible.
With a few last frantic gasps he went limp, closing his eyes. His mind went back to the Lover’s lake and suddenly he wasn’t so sure he ever escaped the grasp of the monster. Maybe these three months were just the prolonged near-death hallucinations and he never left the cold waters of the lake.
He wondered if his parents would come to his funeral.
Probably not.