Dear diary...

Noctis is active in the business world, working in his father's company when he collapses, leaving Noctis to handle the emergency situation. Double work, caring for his father and also those clingy feelings of self doubt. He starts writing a diary in that time to sort out his emotions and feelings. What he didn't expect is where writing a diary would actually take him and what his writings reveal to himself...

Notes:

This story has been stewing in my mind for a very long time and I wrote the first lines while I was in a coffee shop at a corner of Akihabara station on my visit to Tokyo. It took me only 5 years (hah) to complete but I am very happy that I managed to set the pace the way I wanted and about the way it came out to be too. It's kind of a different approach to telling a story but I hope it makes you feel connected to Noct and his emotional landscape throughout the story.
It's meant to be a diary with several entries so I put all the chonk of words into one big chapter. I hope that doesn't scare you away from reading but I felt like it would break the pace otherwise. So now it's in a very bingeable form! xD
A million thanks to Sous, my wonderful beta reader for their effort and time and patience with me <3
(Their writing is also most amazing, so please go and check them out if you can!)

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Day 1 (Mon)

It was a horrible day. I could already see it in Ravus’ face when he stormed into my office today. Problems, problems at all ends. The marketing division is late, the sales division is missing out on customer meet-ups without reporting it back, and the finance section is full of miscalculations.
Then, Ravus thought it was a good thing to ask, what my job actually is, if I know about the responsibilities I have in my position.

There was no need to ask me this, really. I know I’m supposed to supervise everything but how can he expect me to do this flawlessly? It’s not like I wanted dad to get hospitalised. How could I have prepared for it in advance? I told dad I wasn’t suited for management but Clarus said I had no choice.

Well anyway, I told Ravus not to worry too much, or else his hair will grow grey before he knows it. At least I thought it was a good joke. Then he kept on reprimanding and lecturing me on other things, and I was so sick of it, I told him to just fuck off. (Yes, I did and got yelled at but at least Ravus left after that.)

Alone again, I started rereading the report dad had been writing about Niflheim Inc. They’re exceeding their expectations far too well to be true, and reading about the young manager prodigy Loqi Tummelt and seeing the triumphant face of that brat gave me a bitter taste in my mouth.
Yeah, ok. I admit I don’t want to lose against that kid but it looks like it’s already happening.

When someone knocked on my door - again - I thought I’d lose it. Luckily, it was only Prompto, who had come to remind me of lunch break. I couldn’t have been more thankful.

Prompto has always been good about rescuing me, since I got to know him in high school. And then the same for uni. Even at the graduation ceremony, where I’d been late for. He has that sort of talent, like, getting along with everybody, lightening the mood. Even now, nothing has changed.
Well, apart from that weird goatee he’s trying to grow now, that’s really ridiculous. I know he thinks that about my beard too, probably.

But that’s not the point. Anyway, Prompto took me out of the office building and as it was kinda stormy, I didn’t really want to walk too far. But he insisted on taking me to that new café that opened about a month ago. “It’s really good there dude.” And what can I say? I tagged along, as a good friend would. Prompto does have a sense for quality places to eat.

It’s a nice place, not too big, not too small and with a nice interior. The walls facing outside are more like two big window fronts. The walls are black with some sort of ornaments on them but the tables are of light grey coloured material, with red upholstered chairs standing next to them. I thought it might be a little dark but with the windows and the high ceiling it’s actually not that bad. And the bossa playing in the background made it very relaxing to be in, just the way cafés make you feel, you know? Kinda cozy and all.

So, I sat down with Prompto behind one of the windows and before I even had the chance to look at the menu, he had already called the waiter.
”Today’s on me, so I get to choose” he said, so I guessed the menu would have to wait till next time.
According to Prompto, the sandwiches are good there, and by now I can say they really were. His choice was good.

The waiter seemed to actually know him already, because Prompto ordered “the usual, just double” and there were no questions coming back. The guy was tall and a tad too flashy to serve at a café, at least that’s what I thought. I mean: chin-long hair dyed in a wine colour, roughly in his late forties, a strange vintage print scarf, and pointed remarks about Prompto wearing a suit and how it looked out of place. Just these kind of overly friendly types that you have to be wary about because you don’t know what they are thinking.

Prompto explained that he was actually the owner of that place and that it was funny to chat with him, apparently.
Well, I guess if it’s the owner, he’s permitted everything.

Our lunch was brought to us by somebody else though, a younger guy, also pretty tall. He left without saying much more than “enjoy your meal” in a stylish accent, maybe Accordan or so.

And damn, we did enjoy it. I thought Prompto had been exaggerating but he had been right. The sandwiches were tasty.
Prompto grinned happily, some of the sauce dripping from his mouth. That dude’s a real breath of fresh air, honestly.

I think it won’t be the last time I will go there. I actually felt relaxed when I got back to the office. Guess I should thank Prompto for that. Maybe the next lunch is on me.

Day 2 (Tue)

Today I went to see dad at the hospital. The doctor said that it was a breakdown due to overwork but nothing to be seriously worried about. They will keep him until the blood values are back to normal and also to make sure he takes his resting seriously.
I brought him a set of the caramel candies he likes. Maybe getting some sugar back into the system will help him get well sooner. He seemed to be happy about it.

Of course, he asked about work and if everything was okay. If I was doing okay. I actually played it down to not stress him out more than necessary. I hope I can make everything work out until he comes back, so he doesn’t return to everything in shambles.

Back in the office there was more than one snappy sticky note on several piles of documents. I know Ravus is working hard, but so am I. I’m basically trying to do two jobs at a time and I haven’t even been taught how to do one of them. I think I need to make this clear to him, or we’ll never get along. Can’t be so hard to understand, right?

The customer support division was pretty busy today, a lot of calls to be handled. So Prompto told me to go ahead without him for lunch. He’d catch up later.
I wasn’t quite sure if I remembered it right but somehow I managed to find the café again. Yesterday, I was so done with everything, I couldn’t even remember the name.
Constellation Café.
Now the names on the menu make sense.

When I entered, the owner casually waved at me, asking where I left the “sunshine boy”. Geez, this guy is really eccentric. Maybe he tries to befriend his customers that way, but it’s still... pushy and kinda awkward.
I told him Prompto would join in a moment and so he gave me a table for two without further ado.

The letters on the menu cover looked hand drawn. A nice touch.

Prompto would have been pouting if I hadn’t gotten him “the usual”, so I figured the owner would know what to do if I just told him so. For me, it would be the “Milky way” burger. Sesame seeds and flakes of Parmesan cheese sounded more than promising. And the fact that there was no salad in it.
The bossa was again very relaxing.

The owner then gave a theatrical bow before he swaggered back behind the counter again, that was located a bit further into the room. He dropped the order with a nonchalant flick of his hand to his assistant before getting started on some procedure of his own.

It was the same person who had brought us lunch last time, the slender one with the brown hair. Well, actually not that slender, I noted this time. He has pretty broad shoulders compared to his waist. Maybe he plays some kind of sport. The two of them were chatting about something and the one with the brown hair shook his head and laughed at something the owner must have said. I don’t know what it was though. They were too far away to catch any of their conversation. But it looked like they were close.

I was glad that Prompto joined me right in that moment, or else I might have gotten envious. It’s been long enough since I had someone close to me and even though I’m not even sure that that’s what I had seen. My head is just getting to me sometimes. Prom’s an exception, alright, but he doesn’t count. That’s not what I mean, not the childhood friend best buddy way. I don’t even know. Guess it just reminded me of past times by accident. Sometimes, I still ask myself if the break-up was the right thing to do. Not that it matters anymore though, what’s done is done.

No time for dwelling, the food came quickly and Prompto took out his phone to take a picture of it. For Instarglam, as he explained. I don’t really get what the point is if he always orders the same food.
I thanked the waiter when he put my plate onto the table. That’s when I saw that little black name plate with golden letters on it. “I. Scientia,” it read.

A “sorry to keep you waiting” from Prompto started a cascade of complaints about how busy the day had been until now and how distracted he had been from Cindy’s oh-so-famous cleavage so that there’d be lots of work waiting when he’d come back to his desk. He was kind enough to ask about me too but I wasn’t really in the mood for a rant, so I just shrugged and told him “the usual.” Poor guy would only stress himself out. I know I can count on him when things really get rough, so I’ll save it for when I really need it.

I couldn’t help but glance at the counter again where the owner nudged that Scientia’s side with a dubious grin. Apparently, he didn’t like that.
The food tasted pretty good again.

I was curious, so when we paid our bill, I asked Scientia if they’d be open in the evenings too. Good to know they are. Maybe I’ll stop by after work sometime.

Day 5 (Fri)

Prompto was sick today, so I somehow missed my lunch break. Okay, no. “Somehow” is not really the right word. I know that I missed it because Prompto has basically become the keeper of my daily rhythm ever since this situation started. And even before that. I didn’t realise he had sent me a text as a reminder, the good soul. But I just couldn’t be bothered with checking my phone when all the other channels are already competing for my attention throughout the day. Sorry buddy… Everything’s just been pushing and pulling at me and it’s making my head spin.

Either way the day had reached a late hour, so I figured it would be okay for me to call it a day. Man, I don’t know how dad’s always putting up with this. Well, not with two jobs obviously but just in general. I wonder if to him, the elevator ride down feels like it takes ages too. Or if he sometimes has those irrational fears that the elevator cable snaps and the whole thing just drops you to the ground.
Not like that would ever happen.

I don’t even exactly remember how I got there but I realised that I was standing in front of the meal deal rack in the Mooglemarket around the corner when somebody spoke to me. The man had to come into my peripheral view for me to notice him and, you won’t believe it: I almost jumped when I saw it was the owner of Prompto’s new favourite place to be.

“You were spacing out right there,” he told me with that crooked amusement of his and, yeah, I probably was. He nudged his head toward the rack and said that he was “concerned” about my “poor choice of food” for dinner, adding that he knew a “better place” to dine in. One with healthier meals and a nice atmosphere. The wink that followed was a bit too cheesy but I found myself not really minding.
Sweet talking or not, looks like it worked for me. Going home would have ended in another broody evening zapping through the on demand library on my TV without the real intention to actually watch anything.

Don’t know if I just didn’t notice the last time I visited but the café has a nice fake night sky on its ceiling. I think they made it with a dark black and blue cloth and then punched some LED fairy lights through it to simulate the effect of twinkling stars. And as embarrassing as it might sound – my glass of wine in my hand and a plate of fresh pasta before me was all it took to turn a bit sentimental.

There were people around, most likely stopping for dinner after work, just as I was. But thank the heavens none of them were people I work with. Other guests were there on dates, toasting to a nice evening in the middle of the week. What a luxury. (Actually scrap that. I just checked and it is Friday.) At least I’m not feeling sick anymore when I see couples being so in love with each other. It’s their right to be and it’s nice while it lasts.
The pasta is really good.

I remembered to get a sandwich to-go for Prompto. I probably shouldn't have been writing at the table. I'm not that sad author people like to imagine, plus it's not very polite. I thought the waiter was giving me the eye for it (I couldn't remember his name... I think it started with an S...)

----

Poor Prompto looked terrible but I think he was very happy about my little gift. And, what can I say? I am a friend you can rely on. Most of the time at least.

Day 6 (Sat)

Visited dad again today. The weather was nice so we had our cake on the little veranda. On my way, I had come by a small bakery and both their cheesecake and strawberry tarts looked too good not to get some. No coffee for dad though, to avoid stress on his body.

He apologised again for putting me through this, at the job and caring for him and everything but I told him to stop. It’s really not his fault that work was such a hassle. Okay, maybe a little. He should have listened to what his body said and not just kept pushing through everything. I mean… I’m not the one to talk, doing pretty much the same that he did. I think he saw that because there was some glint of pity in his eyes when he smiled at me. I know dad… I know the bags under my eyes got deeper but don’t worry. I got this. Just be healthy again soon.

Day 10 (Wed)

Prompto had come back to work again today. He’s really lost some weight, the poor guy, but at least he didn’t lose his humour. He still didn’t feel well enough to eat a lot, but at least he reminded me of it. I regret having had one of those warm up meals from our in-office vending machine. Should’ve gone out. But I might look like a freak if I keep returning to that café everyday, I guess. Or maybe some bland and boring guy, who just goes through his everyday routine over and over again. I don’t really know what would be worse and sitting here on my couch, writing this stuff with bad handwriting doesn’t make it any better.
I guess it’s time to sleep. Tomorrow’s going to be a long one again.

Day 11 (Thu)

I feel like I’m slowly getting the hang of it. It takes a bit of time to get adapted to everything and to keep everything on the radar but I think it’s working. Trying not to think about the extra hours this is costing each day but it’ll be over at some point. Just gotta hold on. Make dad proud and all, I’m sure he’ll appreciate it. That’s what counts, right?

I can’t handle energy drinks anymore though. Past me would be shocked to find out that I’d rather stick to coffee nowadays. Hah… I really shouldn’t be writing while at work but it helps take my mind off things. Time to focus.

Day 12 (Fri)

I’m too tired to write today but just to leave something, anything behind. Holding on but I’m really tired.

Day 14 (Sun)

What can I say? I happened to bump into Luna today. It was totally unexpected and I thought my mind was playing tricks on me when I heard her voice, but there she was. Beautiful as ever with that angelic smile on her face. We hugged briefly before she introduced me to her new partner. His name is Nyx and he’s working for a flower shop further south in the city. He seemed like a reliable person, had a firm handshake and looked at me with a really piercing glance – without being invasive or anything. Just like anyone with a decent, honest stance. Luna looked very happy, so being with him might be the right thing for her. Seeing her shine like that is all I could have asked for. She deserves to be happy. Still a shame it wouldn’t have worked out with us, but we both sensed that. At some point, we just knew.
Nyx better not pull any weird things on her, or I’ll have to have a word. Don’t think he will though, at least that’s not the impression he gave off…

Anyway, I’m straying off-topic here.
Apparently, the week of work was etched into my face. Luna said as much and was really worried about my wellbeing.
“Are you overdoing it again?”, she asked me and, gosh her words still echo in my ears. “You need to take more care of yourself,” she added when I explained that dad was in hospital and how it all came to this. “Or find someone to take care of you instead.”

Yeah, thanks. I wish that was easier to do, believe me.

I just smiled at her and thanked her for her concern in a weak attempt to convince her that I’m doing alright. Not everybody’s as lucky as you, Luna…

I loved her and the time we had together was really something special. It wasn’t… “nothing”. It mattered. It meant something. But opening up leaves you vulnerable eventually, because you show your partner all of you. Really, all and everything, not only your body and skin but your dreams, your fears… Having that fall away, that safe and secure space for whatever reason hurts, which is no one's fault really. But it still hurts, deeply. I don’t know if I’m ready to expose myself to that risk again…

Ugh, I should stop writing nonsense. This is giving me a headache.

Day 18 (Thu)

How have I been so out of the loop that I didn’t realise it was my birthday today? It only clicked when Ardyn set one of these fancy plates in front of me, with a brownie in the middle, fruit with vanilla cream draped around that and a “Happy Birthday Noct” written in chocolate letters around all of it. (Ah, Ardyn is the name of the Constellation Café owner by the way. I think I forgot to mention.)

Prompto was super thrilled that his surprise had been a success and, yeah I was surprised. I just wished the surprise hadn’t been mixed with this restless and unsettling sadness. I really forgot. I wished I could have shown more joy towards Prompto, he is really being the best friend ever. He didn’t notice that though, or if he did he was kind enough to not say anything.

He took a picture of me, holding the plate and then we had Ardyn take a picture of us both – not without asking if this was some sort of birthday date and if there were other “sweet surprises” planned for the evening. Luckily, Prompto was quick enough to deflect that. What’s wrong with dudes sharing some cake? Not everything has to be about romantic stuff. Why does everybody think that? And not with Prompto, sheesh. I’m not even… or, well I can’t say that about myself I guess. I don’t know. But Prom’s the best friend I have and there’s nothing changing that, ever.

When we paid our bill, it was that waiter again coming over to take care of it. Scientia, that was his name. I’m just so terrible with names, bless his name plate. He was very polite when he asked who he should direct his best wishes at and Prom just pointed at me. It was a bit embarrassing, honestly and I think I let that slip in my expression.

At least Scientia had to do his best to hold back a grin, I could see his lips twitch. But it was nice, in a way to have some words of well wishing. He doesn’t know me and it’s more some sort of polite thing to do, just the way you behave when you’re working in jobs like that. A bit of flattery for the customers to keep them in a good mood. But exactly because he doesn’t know me, those wishes hold no lies behind them, no second thoughts or pity or whatever. They were just plain, ordinary well wishes that meant nothing more than the words themselves and something about that was nice.
So I thanked him with a meagre grin in return. “There’s not much to celebrate but I guess I’ll just start the next round of life,” I remember telling him and his response was an interesting quirk of his brow.

I think that was the first time I actually noticed the scars scattered all over his face. There’s one cutting through his eyebrow, one over his nose and one splitting his lip. And there’s a bit more scar tissue around his eye, like a slash over his face. I didn’t even see it before, maybe because of the lighting or I just didn’t pay that much attention. It looked like he was wearing makeup to conceal them too, if I look back on it now. Pulling off being handsome even with intrusive features like that is really impressive.

I think I stared a bit too much, but he didn’t comment on it. He only smiled, expressing his hopes for my “next round” to hold something to look forward to and be blessed with. I couldn’t stop wondering if the scars pull on his skin when he speaks.

I kinda want to know what happened to him but that’s a weird thing to ask a complete stranger. Shouldn’t be too nosy about such a thing. Who knows what’s behind that? And after all, we’re all carrying our scars, just in a different way.

Day 19 (Fri)

The bossa music is keeping me relaxed but things are not right. Otherwise I wouldn’t have started to write while I’m still sitting here in front of my glass of wine, waiting for my dinner to arrive. It’s nice here and I feel at ease but it would be much better when there were not so many people around. I hear them talk of plans to visit their families in the south, of deals with clients they secured, of how much they love each other and where to spend the next holidays. It’s so loud. And it never stops, they always --

Okay, that… that was the strangest thing just now. I’ll write about that when I’m home but… yeah, I’ll sort through things when I’m home.

----

I can’t believe writing is the first thing I’m doing after taking my shoes off but I feel like I’m being pushed to write things down before I forget.

Earlier, when I was sitting in the café, I wasn’t really feeling well and everything felt so overwhelming… I’m not sure I ever felt that… lost, somehow. Not panicking but just… tired, exhausted and like every pulse of life around me made my head spin. But apparently that was written all over my face.

I didn’t even realise that Scientia had stopped by my table and started talking to me. He wasn’t even working or at least he wasn’t wearing his usual uniform and for a second I thought I had gone crazy. But no. Scientia asked me if I was alright, remarked that I wasn’t looking too well and that I should maybe step out in the open to get some air. I must have not reacted because he continued to explain to me that he was just about to start his evening shift, but that he could do as much as keeping me company for a few minutes. He then made a sign towards the counter before taking me out of the café, just around the corner.

There was still warmth remaining in the concrete from the sun’s violent shine today but the air was carrying coolness and the smell of rain not too far away. (I think it’s raining by now, there are drops knocking against my window.) There was the humming of cars but that buzzing noise in my ears was dying down slowly. That also made the dizziness go away.

“Not quite a good start into your ‘next round’ in life, it seems,” Scientia remarked in that accent of his. “‘Noct’, was it?” I nodded, still a bit foggy in mind and explained that my full name was actually Noctis. Friends would usually call me “Noct” though.

That had Scientia quiet for a moment – that kind of quiet when you can hear the cogwheels turn in a person’s head. But he didn’t comment much on that, only nodded and said that it was a pleasure to get to know – or rather confirm – the name of one of their regulars. Following a seemingly effortless flow of conversation, a hand against his chest he nodded in my direction, introducing himself as “Ignis”. He apologised for intruding on me and ripping me out of my comfort zone without really knowing what was going on but that I looked like I might have needed to “step away” for a bit. I think he was right.

I told him not to worry and thanked him for his kindness and apologised in return for being so spaced out and being a bother.

“Not at all,” he just said and the seconds of silence afterwards felt like either we had too many points to start our conversation with or that we didn’t have anything to say to each other at all. Ignis ended up asking me if my spacing out was the reason I wrote sometimes (not without apologising again for asking something too private) but I just shrugged it off casually, telling him that it was something like that. Embarrassing, that a grown man needs to verbalise his thoughts on paper at my age to sort them out and get an inkling on how to resolve what’s going through my mind.

Ignis didn’t seem to mind or at least he didn’t say anything and just hummed.

“Sorting through one’s thoughts is a good way to gain better understanding of one’s feelings and troubles but sometimes they also need to be shared for them to lose their hold on you,” he then said, turning to look up into the sky – probably so he didn’t have to look at me. Or actually, maybe to make me feel less watched, less judged. I appreciated that. It’s hard to process or to explain but there were many small gestures or non-gestures that gave me the feeling of being respected, being given space without being ignored… It was so weird. Ignis is a stranger and his gesture shouldn’t even have mattered that much. But in that moment it felt very considerate and… I think I am grateful for that.

“I need to head back or the boss is sure to lecture me on discipline and work ethics”, Ignis then said but with that lilt of his, I couldn’t quite make out if that was supposed to be a joke or not. So I apologised and we went back.

“I surely hope my wishing you well yesterday didn’t provoke the opposite. That was not my intention at all, believe me,” he said before he opened the door for me. “A man like you should seek the happiness in his life and chase it.” I still hear him say that and even thinking back of it now those words were… weirdly comforting. I think they even made me blush a little, curse that.

A man like me, huh… There’s nothing extraordinary about me but he couldn’t have known. He was just being kind and tried to cheer me up. And I think it worked. Somewhere in a deep corner I was happy to hear those words. Gosh that’s so embarrassing… I need to get away from needing pep talks from random people to keep me going.

Back at the table my food was waiting for me, steaming as if it had arrived only seconds before us. The timing was too perfect but I wasn’t in the right headspace to question it. So I just thanked him and started eating my dinner. When Ignis came for the bill, he was dressed in his usual attire, starched black shirt and a bluish-purple apron around his waist, and I. Scientia reflecting in golden letters from the black metal name plate. I thanked him again and handed over a tip because, well, he did more for me than expected in his position. But he didn’t take it.

“If this is because of earlier, I would rather you kept it. I was not working at that time and would prefer to be paid for actual service provided.” I can still hear how he said that and it left me dumbfounded. “Maybe next time,” he added and pushed my outstretched hand gently back to me. I couldn’t read the smile on his face.

Maybe I upset him. Or maybe he was just pitying me for being a shadow of myself. It’s not like that tip would have left me hungry for the next week but… in the end, I took it back.
Now I feel like I owe him one and I have no idea how to make up for that. I’ll have to think of something.

Day 21 (Sun)

I was just walking by the café this morning and I thought I might have a coffee before moving on to visit dad so I stepped in. I sat down at my usual place (yes, by now I have a favourite spot in there).

I’m currently waiting for the coffee to be served and I’m thinking about the kindness I received two days ago. It’s ridiculous really, how mundane of a thing that was but I guess even the simplest kindness goes a long way. At least it’s still on my mind.

Maybe I’m the one who’s been hurt by Ignis not accepting the tip. Or I just don’t like being in debt to someone. Honestly, I don’t mind it the other way round, doing favours is not such a big deal. But this rubs me the wrong way… How do I return the favour to Ignis? And does he even want me to? Is that too pushy?

“Ignis usually works the midday and evening shifts but he comes in early on Saturdays and Tuesdays. Oh, and Wednesday is his regular day off, in addition to Sundays,” Ardyn told me just now as he put my cup of perfectly brewed caffeine in front of me. “So I’m afraid you’re out of luck today, Noct.”

I only scrunched my face at him, both confused that he had remembered my name and the fact that he had told me that without any context or being asked to do so. Ardyn shrugged it off and went off with a theatrical gesture of his.

“Pardon, maybe I misunderstood your roaming eyes.”

It’s not that he’s wrong. It’s just embarrassing to admit. I’m not a creepy stalker or anything. And to say I was disappointed seeing the buff server with the white hair would be too strong of an expression.

So I just answered Ardyn that he shouldn’t worry and that everything’s okay – which is neither a yes nor a no to his question. Pretty clever of me actually, I have to say.

But it’s still nice to have that info. So maybe I can catch Ignis to offer him a coffee next Saturday, if I’m a bit early and his shift hasn’t started. Yep, that sounds like a plan.

For now I’ll just enjoy this coffee and get the day going.

----

Dad was feeling way better but I didn’t manage to talk him into taking a few weeks of holiday after being released from hospital, even though that would be the surest way for him to really de-stress. Even the nurses told me that it was highly advisable, for more than one health reason.

So I’ll just have to pester him until he caves. That worked well enough when I was sixteen and wanted to start on driving lessons. And it’s really obvious how the resting affects him, in a positive way. If only he wasn’t so fidgety about getting back to work… I told him I have everything under control but either he just has that urge to stay on top of everything or he doesn’t trust me. I hope it’s not the latter.

Day 23 (Tue)

I thought I might get up early enough to go for a coffee before work but turns out that even the alarm couldn’t make me. So a normal start to work for me, nothing out of the ordinary. Only that I finally agreed with Ravus that we need more people to manage everything, no matter when or if dad would be back. It’s just getting too much to handle. He’s going to take on the application process, probably because he still thinks I’m incompetent. Although I would like to believe that he’s just trying to take some load off of the both of us. To be fair, he looked wiped too.

I wonder what dad does differently than me – apart from not working two jobs at the same time…

Day 24 (Wed)

Had to leave work on time today to get my hair cut. It had begun to cover my eyes completely and even I know that a too scruffy look is a no-go when you’re dealing with customers. I need to make a good impression, being the face of the company and all. At least until dad is back.

And I absolutely didn’t anticipate that this would be the reason for me to run into Ignis, of all people. I was waiting at the bus station and saw him coming out of the café (isn’t today his day off?). So when he was vaguely looking in my direction, my body somehow automatically decided to wave at him, even though we’re not really… friends or anything. And that might have been a mistake.

I was completely ignored.

It’s not that I was standing too far away or anything and he clearly should have seen me – but he just turned and walked in the opposite direction. It made me feel like an idiot.

Day 26 (Fri)

Prompto stayed a bit longer at work today so we could have dinner together. At the café, of course.

“I feel like we haven’t been there in forever!” he said and I had to remind him that we were there only a week ago. Which, in his eyes, still classifies as “forever.” He was a good soul as always and I was really happy to be able to catch up with him. Prom’s always all over the place and does so much in his free time, I don’t even know where he gets that energy from.

When Ignis came to our table to take our order, I felt queasy for a second because I remembered how he had chosen to ignore me the other day. I was prepared for an awkward greeting but there was none of that. It was just as usual, friendly and professional and yet again I felt so dumb. Why would he even care at all? It’s not his job to act friendly with customers of the café outside his working hours, just because he happens to encounter them somewhere. That’s probably all there is to it.

You’ll get that coffee though, man. I don’t care. You won’t leave me hanging like this.
(His friendliness didn’t feel forced though.)

Day 27 (Sat)

Today is the day. I got up early – the alarm rang only twice, I’m proud – I’m dressed and ready to head out. Finally, I’ll be able to let it go for good and be free of debt again. Laters!

----

Okay, so today really was the day. Thank the heavens I managed and for once I feel very accomplished.
So, I went to the cafe this morning and, to be honest it did feel strange to walk into the place not even five minutes after their regular opening time. It was as if the café wasn’t quite awake yet. The tall white haired waiter (I don’t know his name but I do know that he must be working out A Lot) was still sweeping in some spots when I came in and Ardyn was placing cutlery and napkins on the tables that hadn’t been ready yet. Ignis was behind the counter, shifting around the small towers of cups and rearranging other things for more efficient work.

And so that’s where I went, greeting Ardyn on my way through but not straying from my path until I was standing right in front of the counter. Ignis looked surprised when I greeted him, commenting on being “rather early for a working person, on the weekend at that.” Yeah, sure I was, I had a mission. And even though I knew that it was weird, I didn’t let myself think it over at all and plainly asked him if I could get him a coffee.

Ignis obviously didn’t expect that, I could see his brows freezing in mid-height. But also my invitation fired back when he pulled up his mouth into a questioning grin, asking me if that was “my way of flirting”. Way to go me, I thought and I hated that I could feel my ears going red. So I clarified. “As thanks for the kindness the other day.”

“There is no need to,” Ignis said and I swear there was some sort of private amusement hidden in that expression of his. I didn’t even get to protest before he added: “While I appreciate the gesture, I already started my shift and I am uncertain as to how the manager would react to this.”

As if prompted by that said manager showed up at our table instantly and almost made me jump. Ardyn had probably eavesdropped (I cursed myself for having been that cringey) and – I couldn’t believe it – actually talked Ignis into taking the time to accept my offer. I’m not sure Ignis liked that. There was a flash of discomfort on his face but judging by the wink Ardyn gave me, I was pretty sure that both of them totally had gotten the wrong idea. It’s not like that, jeez.

Ignis only sighed in response and dropped his polishing cloth onto the counter to sit down with me. Ardyn then took our order, still not wiping that mistaken smirk off his face.

“As you are treating me today, I might as well indulge a bit,” Ignis said after ordering a latte. “Usually, I drink my coffee black but I do enjoy a change every now and then.” I ordered my drink and finally Ardyn sauntered away to give us some space.

I thought that might ease the tension but as soon as he was gone, I wished he wasn’t. What the hell was I thinking?! I didn’t even know what to talk about with Ignis in the first place! I don’t even really know him at all.

“I couldn’t have you reject my thanks the other day,” I said and was, again, embarrassed right after the words had left me. And Ignis ruthlessly picked up on it, that smartass.

“You’re not coping well with being rejected then, I see?” Yeah, go Noct. You were absolutely not weird.

“You didn’t take my tip,” I just mumbled in return and I’m sure I sounded like a frustrated kid because that made Ignis laugh.

I added that he also didn’t greet the other day so I had basically been forced to take more direct measures. Ignis didn’t understand and I had to explain to him what happened, that he ignored me even though I had obviously been waving.
“Oh,” was his response. Uh-huh, oh I thought but I wasn’t really prepared for the face Ignis made. He looked remorseful but also a bit sad. And boy, I had no idea.

I just sat there, terribly sorry for having been such an ass about it as Ignis explained that he is blind in his left eye. A car accident in his early twenties apparently. Shit, I mean, how could I have known? Yes, there’s that scarring on his face but… Haah… He assured me there was no need to apologise and apologised in return for having come off as rude. I really didn’t know what to say. Even though Ignis was all like “don’t be so harsh on yourself, you have done nothing wrong,” I wasn’t sure that’d be an easy thing to do. I mean I’m still thinking about it and how insensitive I’ve been.

“You can always make up for your ‘rudeness’ with another coffee, if you absolutely feel like you have to,” Ignis then said and before I knew it I had grasped that straw. I definitely would, I knew right away. It’s… such a strange thing. I keep messing up but he doesn’t seem to mind. Or maybe I’m just not used to being forgiven so easily anymore.

… wow. That sounded really pathetic. I’m not that desperate. Or at least I shouldn’t be.

Day 30 (Tue)

Back at writing from the café, just because I need to get the day out of me. It was a long one and plastered with reviewing a ton of CVs. We’re not only in need of one but two new people. Ravus and I figured it would be better for dad to have an assistant after all. No arguing about that. Stubborn man can’t be persuaded into taking any further leave. He’s an adult so he has to decide stuff for himself but after all the convincing I’ve been trying to do… I’m worried. I really am. And it’s pretty upsetting that he doesn’t care about himself more.

And then all those shiny CVs, those picture perfect people with their slicked back hair, fake smiles and blinding self-presentations… Determined eyes and squared shoulders. I don’t -
it’s starting to terrify me. All those applicants look younger and younger and like they’re already set on striving, surpassing and becoming “successful”. And then I can’t help but just look at my dad, then at myself, and it’s just so sickening, I…

I’m not feeling so good, I need some air.

The world is spinning fast and at times it is crucial to close your eyes and feel your breath inside your lungs and your heartbeat in your chest. A star also doesn’t know how bright it is unless someone makes it aware of it. It’s a genuine shine and comes from its very core. A shine that might not burn as bright as the sun, but it has just as much if not more value in being perceived.

What the actual hell.
I’ve been away from my seat for maybe 10 minutes and here I come back to someone writing in my diary? How messed up is that? Who would do that? Looking around I couldn’t seem to find anyone suspicious and when asking Ignis about any strange person lingering around my table, he just shot me a confused look in response… Obviously, he can’t have his eyes on my stuff all the time, so maybe he just didn’t see… Creepy. Next time I should know better than to just run off and leave it lying around openly.

Day 31 (Wed)

I’m still thinking about the mystery message. I keep coming back to it, rereading it. It’s still creepy but… the message itself is not too bad, embarrassing as it is to admit. The handwriting is super neat and orderly too.

Still weird, but it somehow sticks.

Day 35 (Sun)

Who’d have thought that “another coffee” would be happening so soon? Definitely not me, but I’m not complaining. I wasn’t really planning on doing anything and somehow one word led to another and Ignis and I agreed to meet today. Honestly, I didn’t really mind some change of pace.

As Ignis was off work today we decided to meet up for a morning coffee in a place further into town, close to one of the older parts of the city. It was a nice place, rather small but filled with the scent of in-house roasted coffee beans and a small selection of homemade cakes on display on the counter.
The interior was actually pretty… cute and cozy? Framed dried flowers on the wall, white tablecloths with floral stitching… I wouldn’t have thought a place like that would be Ignis’ style. More like, uh… middle aged ladies’ style, really. And damn, Ignis noticed that I was thinking something like that. Must have been written on my face. He only replied: “Don’t judge a book by its cover, or a café by its appearance. I recommend you try their homemade cheesecake first. Also their coffee roast is delicious.”

Speaking of style: Ignis definitely knows how to dress. Like, he’s good looking by default, even with the scars on his face but I realised this was the first time I really saw him not dressed for work. He was probably wearing something on the casual side but you could have put him in a fashion magazine instantly. Perfect cut of his shirt and trousers…
Anyway, I shouldn’t be so worked up about that.
(It still made me feel a bit shabby being next to him.)

That aside. Of course Ignis was right and the cake was super good. Just the right amount of creamy without being too watery, nice crust on the bottom.
He told me he’d come every now and then, partly to get inspiration from their cake creations. He had secretly confessed this while the waitress was not listening.

“Not to copy them,” he stressed with a laugh and this is how I got to know that Ignis is partly responsible for the dessert menu at the Constellation Café. “Come on now, it’s nothing special,” he only replied to my surprised face, but he was definitely stifling a grin. Smug or sheepish I don’t know but I know I saw his lips curve upward.

We spoke so easily about a variety of topics... The latest movies, music, people and everyday life in general. I don’t even recall what we talked about in particular but it was really nice and not as… weird as when I insisted on buying him that pay-back coffee.

Ignis seems to be really interested in food because he was telling me about his ever growing list of restaurants he kept planning to go. Apparently, there’s that one French place that opened about a month ago that he’s often thinking of. It is supposed to have good reviews and according to him quite the “enticing” menu. I wonder why he didn’t go yet if he’s so set on it. Then again, everyone has their reasons. Maybe it’s something expensive that he can’t afford. Not to judge him by his job.

At some point the conversation took its turn back to the Constellation Café so I worked up some courage and asked him again, if he really didn’t see anyone back then, when I had left my table. Ignis gave me a bewildered look, so hesitantly I told him about my… notebook (I didn’t say diary, that’s too embarrassing) and that someone had left some words in it in my absence.

Ignis put his hand to his mouth and I could see his eyes narrow a bit. For a moment I felt sorry and terribly petty for making him recall that specific moment, that must have been just a regular shift to him. He must see a lot of people every day, no surprise if he doesn’t remember such a tiny thing.

“That is… quite a bold move,” Ignis said after a while. “Did they write anything… suspicious? It was not a threat to you, was it?”

I just shook my head with a grin, telling him that the message itself wasn’t too much of a bother, just the fact that a random stranger would pick up my pen and leave something like that behind.

“Maybe…” Ignis hesitated for a moment. “Maybe it was not simply a ‘random stranger?”
I’m not sure what he meant by that but it better not be a stalker or something. I know dad had his fair problems with those some time ago.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to upset you,” Ignis then replied, but I hope I managed to convince him that I’m fine and that he didn’t do anything to upset me in the slightest. I told him that, in the end, the message wasn’t even a bad one and that I’m still thinking about it every now and then.

Ignis looked relieved when he heard that. Really kind of him to worry about that.

We spent a lot of time in that place, I don’t even remember how much exactly. But it was nice, I paid as I had intended to and we went our separate ways.

Coming back home and sitting here now, I’m wondering if I’ve been too pushy. With all the insisting on coffee and inviting him. I even told him to drop my full name and just call me “Noct” instead.

Maybe… Maybe I was weird after all. But even if I was, Ignis had enough courtesy to not let it show.

Am I overthinking again…? I really shouldn’t be, it’s a bad habit.

Day 39 (Thu)

After refusing to rest anymore, dad made his return to the office today. I still think he looked a bit weak and in need of a proper holiday but everyone – including himself – looked really happy to see him back again.

It stung just a little bit.

I mean, I did a lot of the heavy lifting in the past month and I know I fucked it up more than once, much to Ravus’ anger but at least the company didn’t go up in flames. I do feel lighter around the shoulders again… but this shouldn’t be about me at all. People had thanked me too, so it’s not like my efforts went unnoticed and I’m also glad that dad is so much appreciated and needed. Still… makes me feel that I’ll never be like him, reliable and all… He’s really shining when he is in his element.

I managed to get him away from all the hustle and bustle at lunchtime and took him to the Constellation Café with me. I don’t think he’s ever been there before, so I wanted to give him a real break, even if only for a bit. Can’t have the old man be overwhelmed right on the first day, can we? So I’m glad that Ravus didn’t object to me stealing him away and that nobody else came to crash our lunch.

It looked like dad was enjoying the atmosphere, I think so at least. At ease, a bit tired maybe but overall fine. Must have been an exhausting morning for him, speaking to a lot of people and all that.

Ignis was there to take our order, so I took the opportunity to introduce dad to him.
“A friend of yours, son?” he asked me to which I didn’t know what to reply right away. I remember shooting a quick glance over at Ignis before answering that, yeah, something like that was the case – hoping Ignis wouldn’t be offended by that, in whatever way one can be offended.

That had me thinking… Can I call him that? A friend? I mean… I don’t really know him that much but… oh I don’t know. Guess I’d like to. Feels like we could be friends at least. Wonder if he thinks so too.

Day 40 (Fri)

Have been catching up with Prompto after work today – and at a decent hour too. “Thought you’d never ask,” he had said with a grin and one of his signature punches to my shoulder when I invited him for dinner. The usual place of course. It’s really been too long and I’ve neglected him a great deal aside from one or the other chat where I was nothing but complaining. Prom doesn’t deserve that. Even Ardyn commented on seeing us together again after a while, something about “priorities in life,” just another of his cryptic phrases he occasionally drops.

It was quite crowded there, people like us going for dinner after work on a Friday. I noticed there must have been some stock up in staff – there was that silver-greyish-haired waitress I don’t think I ever saw before, but I guess it’s good they have her. Her and Ignis were basically running around all the time, as was Ardyn and the huge dark skinned barista guy looked like he was struggling behind the counter.

I don’t know if I was being overly perceptive… Prompto didn’t seem to notice any of this all that much and instead kept talking about the latest office gossip in his department and all the things that make him the sunshine person he is. He’s planning a holiday trip with a lot of photography and I’m really looking forward to that for him. And to look at the pictures he takes too. It’s always fascinating how Prompto is seeing the world. Really got an eye for details and those easy, simple things in life.

Because I wanted to be a good friend and also to apologise for having been a terrible one instead, I waited until Prom had gone to the bathroom and ordered coffee for the both of us, asking for the bill at the same time. Tonight was on me, it was the least I could do.

It was Ignis who took care of everything – and much unlike him, some of the coffee spilled over the rim of one cup when he placed it down. He was prompt and a bit hectic with his apology and he sighed only when I told him that it was no big deal and that, no, he didn’t have to bring over a new one. Ignis looked tired and that uncharacteristic scowl didn’t make it any better.

I asked him if he was okay. “Busy times”, was all he replied with his shoulders slumping minimally. I offered him to sit down for a moment, just to take a short breather but he declined. “Not during work hours – or rather not now. It would shed a bad light on the personnel if I was slacking off, but I appreciate your offer.”

So I proceeded to fake-asking him something about the menu that I picked up from the table and the twist of his lips told me that Ignis had understood the cue.
Looks like there’s a lot happening in his life right now and he only gave me a brief glimpse. Moving to a different place in the closer future, juggling a baking degree on the side along with a few health issues and growing popularity and demand of the café.

You need to relax, I told him, to decompress every now and then. Yeah, I know, sounds funny coming from me. It’s always easier said than done. So I suggested we might try out that restaurant he had been on his mind, that he was reluctant to go to by himself. I could still come with him, if he was up to it.

Ignis looked… taken aback and I had the impression that he was avoiding my gaze there for a second. Maybe I said something wrong, so I was about to apologise. Maybe I was acting too familiar, too much like a friend – yeah, I still remember that awkward situation from yesterday, when I was here with dad. But before I could Ignis spoke up, hesitant but giving his okay under the condition that I look the place up before going there. He added that he wouldn’t mind if I changed my mind after that.

Sounded… ominous. But I’ll check, I guess. How bad can it be?

We had just enough time to exchange contacts before he had to hurry back to work and Prompto came back.

I just really hope I didn’t force him into anything… Feels a bit strange.

Day 41 (Sat)

Shit. Now I know what he meant. It took me one or the other message to convince him that, yes, my word counts and that Ignis wouldn’t have to agree to go, if he didn’t want to. At least that’s what I got across, I think. After we agreed on a time, I finally managed to make him give me the restaurant’s name again (I didn’t remember), which he said he would make the reservation for.

I just looked it up and, holy shit. I’m in for… something.
It’s on the pricier side, fancy yet nothing over the top - but the place itself!! It’s in one of the old mansions close to the riverside and the inside looks like one of these period films. (Very unexpected, thinking back of the small and simple café that was almost too cute to fit the tastes of someone like Ignis. But this feels humbling.)

And don’t get me started on the pictures of the food they serve…! The seafood looks amazing, and the desserts… They have entire course menus. Sheesh, this is going to be… oof. Now I understand why Ignis wanted to make sure I’m comfortable with it and why he was intimidated (maybe?) to go alone.

He could have dropped the name right away though, before even agreeing. Strikes me a bit weird but, well now it’s happening anyway.

Time to look through my closet and see what clothes might need some washing and pressing if I want to wear them.

Day 45 (Wed)

“Dude. You shaved?” I knew he’d say something like that. The last time Prom has given me that look was when I had bleached my fringe platinum blond, back in middle school. It’s not… that bad… right? At least I didn’t cut myself or forgot any spots or patches that would look funny. I just checked in the restroom mirror.

Feels a bit naked without my beard though…

Maybe I really overdid it but I’m sure Ignis is going to turn up well dressed and I can’t embarrass neither him or myself but not trying to somehow match in style. Probably something impossible but trying counts, I hope.

Let’s see how it goes. I’ll write later.

----

I’m… not sure I can write everything down well enough but I still have a bit of alcohol in my system, so I better get it over with while I can.

And it’s not like it was terrible. No… not really. It… was a good time. I think. Maybe.

So, I didn’t get on the train I wanted to, first thing. I had it planned that I’d be on time, but of course Ignis was already standing and waiting at the station. So much for showing good manners…

I felt like I needed to hurry, run to where he was and apologise for being late. And I did, like a loser. But before I did, I stopped to have a short, private look at him. I had figured it would turn out that way, I already saw it last time we met but Ignis was looking good. Like handsome.
Dark charcoal slacks meanly well fitted, purple turtleneck and a black blazer, a sand coloured trenchcoat hanging over his arm. It’s starting to get chillier at night lately.

And damn, I’m really jealous. Still think I should have chosen something more stylish than all black. Urgh. Anyway, not that anybody cares. (Apart from me, maybe…)

If I didn’t know it better, I’d say Ignis was nervous but maybe I was projecting.

I know I was nervous when there was a butler to welcome us in the entrance of the restaurant. He took care of our jackets and then guided us to our table.
It was all so … refined. The delicate silver cutlery, the expensive looking wine glasses, even the thoughtfully arranged flowers on each table.

“Incredible,” I could hear Ignis murmur behind me and, while I was a bit uncomfortable being in this place, there was wonder in Ignis’ eyes as he looked around, fascination as he took everything in. Quite a sight, considering that he’s usually so put together and more serious looking.

That look didn’t change throughout the evening, across all our dinner courses. Ignis was clearly enjoying himself and was almost alight with excitement about everything. I couldn’t help but stare and felt kind of mesmerized by his genuine enthusiasm. He looked so much more alive than he usually did at work. It helped me calm down my own nerves – especially after a bad anxious spike when a lady in a beautiful red dress and her equally elegant partner walked by our table.

Man, writing this down feels so wrong. I don’t even know why I thought that… must be the wine we had. A nice one, rosé to go with both our meat and fish dishes.

Ignis kept thanking me for having “put up with his egoistic nonsense” every time he started to gush over what the place had to offer and it was obvious that he meant it.

Over dessert and my third (or fourth?) glass of wine, I asked him why he had been so reserved about going here. If it was the money.

“Money is certainly… one aspect. Also this is not necessarily a place to go without… a special occasion. Something to cherish”, Ignis said looking at the wine in his glass.

And?

“Well…”

Ignis was evasive about it. Something about the “scarceness of adequate occasions or acquaintances,” but he was not really finishing his sentences so I couldn’t follow.

I paid the bill, much to Ignis’ protests. He said it was totally out of proportion but, honestly? I told him to focus on his move first – he’ll need good money for that. Also I basically forced him into agreement to come, which wasn’t too thoughtful of me.

Ignis assured me it was okay, but I wouldn’t have it. After he didn’t shut up over it, we agreed on him paying the tip and the next meal we’d be having, whenever it would happen.

I wouldn’t have minded, really. I have the money and barely know what to spend it on. There’s not much stuff I want for myself. But also I don’t want to assume that Ignis is in financial trouble just because of the job he’s working. I barely know anything about him and don’t mean to look down on him either. I hope, I really really hope he didn’t take it that way.

We walked part of our way back instead of directly hopping on the next train. The evening breeze was still warm, it was nice.

Turns out, Ignis has family overseas. On his father’s side, which is why he also speaks Tenebraean fluently. (That’s where the chiselled accent comes from.) He had been working as an assistant for a trading company, something with international communication and business operations before his car accident. Apparently it had been one of those nights that had finished late and Ignis’ reflexes had not been fast enough to dodge another vehicle that crashed into him from the side.

He thinks that the whole thing put his life into a new perspective and that he has been pursuing smaller jobs here and there since then. They all revolve around cooking, one of his hobbies. Ignis had even worked in a bakery for a while and also as bar keeper in the Via Hotel!

“It was a nice place with luxurious standards, very refined but at some point they didn’t want to renew my contract – even though they kept stressing that my skills were impeccable in execution.” Ignis then tipped his finger against the scarred part of his face and the following chuckle sounded regretful.

If that place thought Ignis wasn’t attractive enough, honestly they need glasses or a new pair of eyes and just common sense. That’s an insult and a lie.

I must have said that aloud and damn, I just kept embarrassing myself the whole evening. Prompto always says that honesty is good though and goes a long way, so maybe I can let go of the shame at some point… Blame it on the wine or something…

We parted ways close to a bus stop where Ignis would have to wait to get home. It was not a long wait so I stayed for a bit longer until the bus arrived. It’s ridiculous how I can picture his expression so clearly.

Before he got on the bus, Ignis was smiling and looking relaxed, tired but happy. It’s the first time I saw this weirdly placed, soft expression on that polite face of his.

“I think you were right,” he said. “I might have needed this change of pace. Thank you, Noct.”

And then: “Thank you for a magnificent evening, with quite dashing company, if I’m permitted to say so.”

I know I didn’t really think, and I told him that it was no big deal and that he should be more careful not to exhaust himself at work.

Then the bus drove away.

Then I felt stupid.

I can’t help but think… it’s really idiotic and I don’t know why I get that ridiculous feeling but…

I fear this must have looked like… some kind of date. I don’t know why I didn’t notice before or if it’s just me overthinking again but…

Crap. What am I doing here? That’s not even-

Also Ignis is a guy, like-

What would Luna say to this? Prompto? Dad???

I’m not even sure that’s what it is or if I maybe gave totally wrong signals to Ignis. It’s not like I’m-

And I’m not someone to toy with people, like, that’s not my intention at all.

I might have fucked up real bad and I don’t know how to fix this.

Day 46 (Thu)

But what if I can’t fix it? It’s 2 am and I’m still awake. I have work today, this is going to be terrible.

It’s still on my mind and, if I’m honest… I don’t want to be a freak. I just don’t want to be… creepy. I’ve been behaving ridiculously, fuck… I think I’m starting to regret everything…

----

~~4:30 am: Do I actually like men?~~

----

5:30 am: It’s useless, I can’t sleep so I’ll get ready for work. It’s in my head and I can’t get it out. This is all a big misunderstanding and I’ll have to clear it up. Tonight. I’ll text him – no, I’ll just go to the café and tell him I need to talk to him in person. That’s better. Then it will be awkward for a moment but everything will be set right again. No bad conscience, nothing.

(I just reread my entry, shit… It’s so pathetic. Als did Ignis really say “dashing company”? I must have been drunk enough to make that up…)

----

Okay, I’m not sure I’m not overreacting but Prom gave me a worried look just now. Said that I look like I had a rough night. Man, I’m not even sure how much I can tell him or if I’m supposed to talk about this at all. Maybe there’s nothing to tell at all and I’m just making a big big fuss over nothing.
I just shrugged it off with a “sort of”, and told him we’d catch up later. Question is what exactly I will tell him…

----

I’m still at work so, yeah I should be working, not writing. I know…

I’ve been on lunchbreak with Prom and of course we were headed for the usual place, only that I’ve not been nearly as relaxed as I wanted him to believe. I kept repeating in my head that everything was okay, that I just got worked up over nothing and that it would be just fine. I’d laugh it off and it would be as if nothing happened.

Things I didn’t expect:

- Ignis would be there (obvious but I still somehow forgot)
- The almost-heart-attack I had when he greeted us

So that’s exactly how embarrassed I am about the whole thing.

I can’t say if Ignis was acting differently or if I was but I did my best to behave as usual and at least that seemed to work.

Sitting at our table, Prom remarked that I had been tense all day and expressed genuine concern, looking exhausted as I did. It’s not like that, I tried to explain and so I also tried to tell him what happened, without actually giving away too many details. You never know if a wrong word happens to meet the right ear…

“So you think you… accidentally took someone on a date, without noticing so yourself”, Prom summed up and I immediately shh-ed him down. He only laughed but did keep quiet after that, bless him. He said that it was cute of me to worry about that so much.
Yeah, sorry, Prom. I know I have to work on that and I’m trying to.

Prompto assured me that I don’t have to worry, that he understood and that he knows I’m neither a player nor the kind of person to hurt another on purpose. That put me at ease a bit. That’s how I am.. or how I’d like to be and how Prompto knows and perceives me as well. So I only hope to come across a little better next time. Whatever “next time” means.

“Honestly, if you enjoyed spending time with her then that’s good enough! Nothing to panic about. It’s not like you promised her a relationship only to be like ‘haha, yeah, sorry that was a joke’, right?”

Right. I really didn’t. But also, you’re closer to another unspoken part of the problem, than you think, Prom. I could only give a strained smile in return but we didn’t get much further than that because Ignis brought over our food and bill. There was no time for long chats today because there were meetings right after lunch.

I noticed Ignis’ eyes lingering on me as if he wanted to say something but he didn’t. Maybe because Prompto was sitting with me… Though we’re at the café together so often, I’m not exactly sure that’s what it was. Though I’m glad he didn’t speak up because I could sense my tongue grow numb in my mouth.

Better keep it to myself for now. I don’t want to make things more awkward. Ignis might not even be thinking about it that hard and as long as he doesn’t get the wrong impression…

----

Having not really slept, I opted for going home and getting some early sleep instead of following Prompto’s invitation to go out. I almost managed to avoid worrying about my personal embarrassment all evening, until I got a message from Ignis that almost made me jump. He was asking if I was okay because I had looked tired today and if “yesterday’s wine had gotten to me ;)”.

If only I could blame it on that.

I answered, “Sort of, yeah. Had a bit of a rough night. Sorry to worry you, I’m okay” and set my phone aside.

Time for shower and bed. I’m too old for this.

----

“Maybe no drinking on weekdays from now on then. I didn’t ask because you had company at lunch but in case it is something I might have said or done that upset you, please do let me know. I would loathe to cause you trouble. For now I wish you a better night than the last and apologise if I was too bold for assuming or intruding in private matters.”

That’s his answer, huh. Man…

It’s not like he’s right… It’s nothing that he did, more like my own dumbness.

I’ll write back quickly, then turn off the light. It’s not like it’s his fault and I don’t want him to worry about that.

Day 47 (Sat)

Here I am, waking up early just to set things right. Think I’ve been here before. It feels silly but also like the right thing to do.

----

I said I’d never be writing in public spaces again, but here we go again. I talked to Ignis just a moment ago and I think… maybe things are okay. They probably are but I’m just stressing out. It’s what I’m best at and exactly why I’ve been told to keep a diary whenever that happens.

Ignis looked surprised when I came in, making a beeline for the counter where he was setting up his daily routine and I’m glad nobody was present when I did. I think it would have freaked me out more than the thing itself.

So I apologised to him, stammering that I had acted weirdly and that I worried him for nothing. That it was just general life troubles, but nothing wrong about anything Ignis had done. And just to make sure, I also added that I was sorry if I had come off in a weird way or made him feel uncomfortable.

He seemed confused but in a kind way and he asked me if I had come here just to tell him that.

Obvously not. I made a point by ordering breakfast right away but I was dumb enough to forget that this meant I’d be sitting here in his presence after having made a fool of myself.

I really think things are okay. He didn’t look like he minded and that’s at least something. I wonder if I upset him by telling him that I had no ulterior motives… I didn’t mean to upset him either.

And here I go again, worrying just for the sake of worrying. Ugh.

Looking at Ignis going through his familiar procedures, I can’t help but think about whether he had been agonising over the whole thing too. He sure doesn’t look like the type, but I’m curious – and at the same time I really don’t want to know.

But surely he must have a partner. I can’t imagine anyone who wouldn’t accept that company. He’s funny, smart, interesting and good looking-

No, stop right there. This is for another time and a different can of worms. Don’t connect your awkward problem to Ignis, he doesn’t deserve that. Also I’m just stating the facts.

I should clean up my flat later, better be productive and give your thoughts some rest.

Day 49 (Sun)

I was poking at… things and looked at some pictures today to see if I actually found other… men handsome. Not the “I’d like to look like him” way – that’s a normal thing to think. More like… “fuck he’s hot” way.

Not sure it got me anywhere to be honest.

Day 50 (Mon)

We finally found someone to assist dad with his work. After the fifteenth interview today, there was a candidate that fit on all levels and I’m really confident he’s going to help make dad’s life a lot easier. His name is Talcott and he’s still very young but intelligent, diligent and reliable. I really don’t know how and where Ravus picked that one up, but he’s an absolute gem and I’m glad we all agreed on that, dad included.

We called him back in before he could leave the office building and told him right away that he got the job. It was endearing to see how excited and motivated Talcott was when he received the good news. He’ll need some training for sure, but he seems to be a fast learner and he’ll be up and running in no time.

And then, something unusual happened. At work, during work hours, right after Ravus and Talcott had left the room, dad asked me to stay for a bit. That old workaholic, making time at work, I couldn’t quite believe it. But there I was sitting in front of him as he asked me how I had been lately.

It’s not that we’re on bad terms or anything, absolutely not and it’s not like we're estranged either but this was more than just the casual “how are you doing?” chit-chat.

Dad must have noticed that I was a bit surprised to see him ask out of the blue because he laughed and pointed out that I rarely talk about my private life if I’m not directly asked and something about how the collapse had shifted his point of view. Work is still important to him and he will probably continue to work himself to pieces but he spoke about value and worth and family and that he had neglected a lot of those things that truly matter, that make life richer. I don’t think I need to say that I was speechless.

He thanked me for my help and the effort, the care and everything I had done for him while he was down. He even apologised for making me worry. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve had a deeper conversation with my dad.

But it was nice.

I felt seen and I could feel that he really meant what he was saying. It was touching, probably even more so because it came so sudden and in the weirdest circumstances. Dad… I wished he would take a bit more care of himself. I’m an adult now so he doesn’t have to worry about me as much as when I was at uni anymore but he should put himself a bit more in the focus.

We spoke for a while and it was a catchup I didn’t realise I also needed.
At some point, he would ask me if I had talked to Luna recently and so I told him that I saw her and her boyfriend a while ago, that she was doing fine and was looking happy.

“What about you?” Dad asked me then and I couldn’t quite place what he was referring to.
Am I happy? Maybe, at least there is not too much to worry about.

When I didn’t answer right away he continued to poke, whether I too had found someone of interest or someone to spend at least a period of my life with.

Shockingly enough and I still don’t know why my brain went there of all places, the image of Ignis popped up in my mind. I could feel that my body was trying to react to that, trying to blush or to sweat because it’s embarrassing to think of him even though there is literally nothing. I’ve never really-

No, I’m not sure that’s…

Also I don’t even know what he-

Anyway, I just shook my head and deflected but I don’t know if any gestures might have given away that I was a bit uncomfortable about that question. Maybe dad saw something but maybe I’m overinterpreting the slightly teasing but curious look he gave me.

And that is still on my mind tonight, when I’m writing this. I can’t just casually drop on my dad that I’m eyeing a guy. I’m not even ready to tell myself and maybe it’s not even true after all. I wouldn’t know. I could be crushing a bit but… even that is too embarrassing to think about. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t look for this.

But it’s also not Ignis’ fault…

Oh man, this is probably just depressed almost-mid-life-crisis speaking. Once I have myself figured out and gained balance again, I’ll be able to laugh this off.
Though if I’m honest, I don’t know who fast or slow I want this day to come.

Day 51 (Tue)

I need to get better at controlling myself because, apparently, I’m doing things that are calling me out.

Prompto and I were having lunch at the café, as usual but something was off with him. I don’t even know what exactly it was that I said or did – I only greeted Ignis and we were quickly chatting about a movie recommendation I had given him before I gave our order but when he left and I looked back at Prompto, he was looking at me with his smartass grin. I can still hear his voice ring in my head.

“Dude, did you just flirt with him?”

I didn’t. I did no such thing, wherever he got that from.

Prompto asked me if I had something to tell him and I denied it. What is there to tell him? I will definitely not talk about the weird thoughts I’ve been having. It’s just a momentary thing that will vanish and I don’t want to give him any false impressions. Like, we’ve known each other for years and how weird would that be if I just dropped something like that on him??? So no, there’s nothing to see and nothing to talk about.

Day 52 (Wed)

Well, guess I decided to talk about it anyway.

I didn’t really sleep well last night, worrying about everything and then this had seemed for the best. After all, Prompto is my longest and closest friend. I’ve always been able to talk about things with him, we’ve always shared secrets nobody else knew about each other.

We headed for a bar downtown after work and after a bit of poking and teasing from Prom, I gave up and told him. What’s been on my mind lately, that it’s probably just a weird trip my mind is putting me on because I’ve been working too much, that Ignis is actually a very nice guy who I think of too much and that I feel stupid for it.

I don’t know for how long I went on rambling but Prompto was just sitting there, quietly listening to everything and I could feel my stress levels rise sky high. Now I know that I was fearing to be judged or to be laughed at or that Prompto would be weirded out after all. Nothing like losing a good friend.

After a moment of silence that dragged on far too long, he took a sip of his cocktail, looked and me and simply said: “So you were flirting yesterday.”

I felt my face flush (I wished it was because of the alcohol) and saw Prompto’s smirk going wider while the skin on my face started to prick.
I’m not sure. Maybe I was. But not intentionally. Definitely not intentionally.

Prompto just whacked my shoulder and eventually we were both laughing, just as we always have been. He was cool with it. He was cheering me on and damn, I can’t even wrap my head around this…

But I feel easier around Prompto again. I wonder why.

Is it acceptance?

Am I really… falling in love with someone again?

Day 53 (Thu)

Ignis didn’t show up for work today and that somehow made me uneasy. It could have been anything, maybe he had just taken a day off. But apparently I was brooding so much that Prompto told me to just ask. (Also that he would ask for me if I didn’t do it myself and shit no, I couldn’t have that!)

Turned out that he was sick. Ardyn told me he had called this morning, and that he could hear that he was not doing well.

“Only a bad cold. I don’t think you have anything to worry about,” he assured me.

Still I wrote him a message when I was on my way home from work. Sending all the best wishes and “get well” greetings. He seemed to appreciate it and told me his voice was too hoarse to speak, otherwise he’d have called to confirm he’s okay.

I just shook my head and I think (or rather, I fear) I was smiling when answering him that he shouldn’t be reckless, get enough rest and that he could text me if he ever needed help with anything.

His words of thanks came back with a winking emoji.

Day 58 (Tue)

I didn’t expect seeing Ignis back at work to lift my mood that much. Going on lunch break without Prompto after a long and exhausting first half of the day had been a bummer but Ignis’ familiar face somehow balanced that out again.

We caught up a little, I asked him if he was fine again, he told me that he was and that he was surprised to see me come around alone. It’s just what it is, I told him. Cindy, one of Prompto’s co-workers, was celebrating her birthday at the office today, and that he’d never miss a chance to impress her.

I couldn’t quite read the round-eyed face Ignis was making and when I asked him about it, he shook away his stupor and laughed a little.

“Oh no, it’s just that I assumed the two of you were… maintaining a different kind of relationship. Forgive the intrusion.”

Then it was my turn to gawk at him. Prompto and I? Do we look anything like a couple?! I never have even considered that to be a possibility. We were close, yes but nothing, absolutely nothing else was going on between the two of us and I told Ignis that much.

Ignis just laughed again and took out his memo pad for my order, probably because he was feeling Ardyn’s eyes fixed on his back. I don’t think he was judging him for chit-chatting though, also the café was not that crowded yet. But a job is a job, I guess.

When he left to process my order, I could feel my mind starting to run places again. Ignis telling me that he thought Prompto and I were a thing meant, that I must look like someone who is going out with men. Which I never did. (That one time I went to the restaurant with Ignis doesn’t count, right?) So am I behaving in a certain way? Is there something stuck to my forehead that reads “might be gay”??

On the other side, why would Ignis ask that? Did he try to figure out whether I was in a relationship? He could have just asked me directly, I mean, we’re… at least sort of, also becoming friends. But was he trying to be subtle about it? And does it mean anything??

“Something on your mind, Noct?”

Ignis’ voice made me snap out of the neverending questions and I happened to look him straight in the eyes. It made me realise that, yes in fact his eyes were of uneven colour. Not much but the one he is blind on has a bit more of a dull, marbled grey-green to it than the other. I barely registered that he put down my order in front of me. Then our hands brushed lightly as he did, and I felt my heart jump and was suddenly way too aware of my whole self.

It was an accident, it was most definitely a random thing that happened. But it also made me clearly realise (and I’m still trying to deny it, but I definitely realised):

This was not falling in love. This was a panic attack.

I could feel a blush fighting its way onto my face, my pulse was irrationally fast and my head started to spin. Over such a little thing. Such a tiny, random thing of no importance.

It wasn’t like that when I was with Luna. Neither when we first fell in love, nor when we were already a couple. Heart racing, yes but there was never this strange feeling of… Weakness? Is that what it is? I was always confident about proceeding with our relationship. Sometimes I was anxious, yes but never to the point that it made me slip that hard, especially not a small gesture as a casual brush of hands. There was more glee, more… excitement? No, no that’s not it. But definitely less panic. It was a natural flow of events, not… not a forceful blow to the face.

But I think I… I can’t deny it. I’m having panic attacks over Ignis.

And I think… he’s already got more of me than I’m willing to admit.

Day 59 (Wed)

It’s a weird thought, but I think I might have to talk to Luna about it.

I can’t begin to imagine what dad would say about this…

Day 62 (Sat)

To think that I’d be so nervous to talk to her again. I’m glad Luna made some time for me that quickly and I don’t even remember how many times I apologised for taking that time. Of course she didn’t mind. She never did and always had an ear available and that’s only one of her countless good traits.

We were just chatting in the beginning. Luna told me she was planning a vacation together with Nyx, something simple out in the nature while I told her about dad and that he was feeling better again. It still feels a bit weird having to catch up like that, but that’s just the way life moves on. You’re not part of the other’s life anymore so it’s only natural that gaps open and you know less and less about each other.

At least the talk was not bitter and I cherish a lot that we managed to maintain a distant but somewhat stable connection. We’ve talked about it. It’s fine.

After a while, Luna propped up her chin on her hands and looked at me. She knew I didn’t contact her just on a whim, just for catching up. So she asked what was up, looking at me with gentle but attentive eyes that I wanted to run from in my mind.

I shifted in my seat, trying to gather my thoughts only to have them fall apart between my fingers. A silent moment passed, where none of us spoke even a word. I realised: it scared me sitting in front of her and suddenly having the impression of being a sinner kneeling in front of a goddess. She felt so powerful and wise to me, I can’t even explain where that notion came from.

So I squeezed my eyes shut, took a deep breath and told her that I think something about me had changed. That I think something within me might have broken after all when our relationship ended and that I might not be able to… love the way I did anymore.

I know I didn’t use the clearest of words so no wonder Luna was frowning at me, the crease between her brows wordlessly asking to elaborate.

And then I told her that I might have connected with someone and that it is nothing like what we shared once. That I feel powerless and not in control of myself and my senses, that I am scared to admit that I might have feelings. If not feelings then at least curiosity, interest and a wish… to be seen. To be recognised and accepted – which is a hard thing to expect when I don’t even really accept myself.

Before Luna could say that this was not like me (I knew she would, I saw it in the way she opened her mouth), I added that, on top of everything, the person that had this effect on me was a man and that I didn’t really understand how it came to this or what was going on.

It’s true… It’s such a scary thing and I don’t know what to do; I don’t know how to react. I just want to disappear…

When Luna took my hands into hers, I realised they had gone cold and started trembling. Her touch was soothing and so was the kind smile she gave me. She nodded and told me that she had not expected to hear this, while gently stroking her thumb over the back of my hand. Then she looked at me and I can still see her face soften and hear her speak.

“Love is love, Noct.

A power you can never control and sometimes a power that doesn’t care about customs or habits. It comes as it pleases, like a gentle storm, a clap of thunder or the calm flow of a river. And when it is to stay because you treated it delicately and with the right amount of respect, it rewards you with happiness beyond measure.

You cannot categorise love. You cannot measure love, nor can you compare it. Every story is a different one, with different origins, roots and ways unfolding – bearing both bloom or withering.

To ignore it means inevitable death for the seedling. To just even look at it makes possibilities sprout and to care for it might make a tree grow. A tree that has to be cut down with time or a tree that grows into one of its kind, strong and beautiful.”

Those words are still so vivid in my head, I could write them down like it was nothing.
They touched something within me, somewhere I didn’t know that existed and broke a barrier that made the strings snap which had been holding me.

I cried.

It was embarrassing but I let it happen and Luna didn’t say a thing. She was just there, holding my hands through it all, listening but never judging.

“Forgive yourself and think about giving yourself a chance?”

Luna smiled as she wiped away another tear.

“Maybe this is what will make you happy. And I truly wish for you to be happy.”

We talked more after that but I don’t quite remember that much of it. I was full with feelings of all different kinds. Relief that I was able to say it and that she took it so well. Anxiety about my confession and that I would have to come to terms with it. Hope that I might not have to try and kill those emotions before they grow into something bigger. Gratitude for Luna and all that she is, all that she has done for me. Fear of rejection should I ever muster up the courage to even talk to Ignis about this. Confusion because I don’t know what to do. And more, so much more…

We gave each other a long hug before we parted and before leaving, Luna asked me if he was handsome. I felt small and very unconfident but I pulled up the corner of my mouth and nodded.

Yes, he is. Scars and all.

His characteristic way of speaking, those witty comments and the thoughtful way he behaves.

It’s ridiculous to say so, I haven’t even known him for that long. I don’t know his favourite food, his favourite colour, if he is ticklish, if he likes to hum to tunes on the radio or if he sometimes wonders why it is so soothing to look at the stars.

I don’t even know if he could be interested in me.

“Do you want to find out?”, Luna asked.

And I think, I do.

Day 63 (Sun)

I was looking at myself in the mirror today and the bags under my eyes reminded me so much of my final year at university that I snorted at myself. That’s what I get for not sleeping enough.
I thought about shaving again but it makes me look so awkwardly young. I’m not a teenager anymore. And I don’t have to be.

Day 68 (Fri)

I tried to stay away from writing this week but maybe it’s better to keep on going, even if I keep writing about the same stuff.

Work is busy but getting better. (Talcott does an amazing job.)
I am still having lunch at the same place, with Prompto or with others.
I am talking to Ignis, at the café or via texts.
I am thinking too much and I keep wondering if all of this thinking is getting me anywhere.

I’m also wondering if Ignis is lying awake at night, because last time I sent him a message at 2 a.m., he still read it. And I’m wondering if it’s just a coincidence.

Day 71 (Mon)

Public holidays don’t always fall on a Monday, but when they do, I agree to help pack boxes and drive them halfway across the city.
Yesterday, Ignis messaged me to ask if I was available to help him with his move. I’m glad he found a new place faster than he thought. It’s closer to the centre of the city but still next to a park so the view is still nice and green. At least in summer it must be. Right now, the yellow leaves are starting to fall but it’s still very nice to look at. He said he wouldn’t be moving in before the end of the month but he got the keys early, so he could start bringing his stuff over.

To be honest, I wasn’t even surprised to see that Ignis was super well-organised. He had already labelled most of the boxes and started to wrap some of his tableware in newspaper for the transport. Other belongings were waiting to be packed, all neatly lined up next to their respective boxes and wrapping material.

I laughed when he excused himself for “the mess”. That’s an obvious thing to happen when you move.

Upon stepping in, I realised that this was the first time I was in Ignis’ private space. Well, the one he was moving out of, yes, but I’d see the new place too and that made me a bit nervous.

No actually, I think it was actually a bit exciting.

I looked around the room and while many things were already packed, a lot of other things weren’t. It gave me a chance to glean some information about Ignis’ interests.

Of course there were books about baking - cooking too, actually and some of them in Tenebraean. He must have noticed that I was staring at one of the books in my hand, trying to figure out what it meant instead of putting it in a box because he plucked it from my hand and read its title and part of its foreword out loud.

He had the right to be smug about that because I can’t deny that it was damn cool. And I think he was, even though he tried to brush it off with a casual “it’s nothing.”
It’s not “nothing”. If I wasn’t too awkward about it… I’d even say it was sexy.

There was also a bit of sports equipment, a small set of weights, a yoga mat and even ice skates. Apparently he had been skating for a long time since he was young and he gets nostalgic about it so he just pays a visit to one of the rinks in the city once in a while. I’d like to see that some day… but honestly is there anything this man can’t do?

It felt private when I was packing away part of his clothes (I recognised elements of the outfit he was wearing when we were out in that small, flowery café for the first time) but you could tell that Ignis chose them carefully – some to match in colours, one or the other statement shirt and all of them felt really nice to the touch. There was even quite the collection of ties but honestly, I can’t imagine Ignis wearing that. It feels off, especially as he’s often wearing his shirts with the first button undone.

Which brings me to yet another problem. I know I was there to help pack but I’m not sure I was that much of a help, because I realised that more often than not I was just doing nothing but… looking at him. I know it’s cringy and sounds like the most cliché thing to do but I couldn’t help it. Ignis looks good. And what can I do, being in a room with him where he moves around, stretching and bending over to pick up things with that fitted clothing of his…

Please tell me it’s only partly my fault and that I’m not just stalking.

If he noticed, he was kind enough not to bring it up. (And I think he did, because our eyes met once or twice. I tried to look down quickly but I’m not sure… Maybe I should exploit his blind spot better next time. Although that’s a rude thing to do…)

We got a lot of packing done but man, it was exhausting. I could feel my T-shirt sticking to my back and my arms getting sore from moving stuff around but we took breaks every now and then in which Ignis would offer iced coffee he had prepared the day before.

After we shoved the last boxes (for now) into my car, I took a moment and asked him if he was okay with boarding a car. You never know with accidents and such and I thought it might be better to ask.

Ignis just nodded, adding that he still gets a little queasy but otherwise the more serious reactions were under control. Apparently, it had been seven years since the crash but still, Ignis appreciated the concern. I took extra care to not drive too fast so I hope he was not all too uncomfortable.

We finished putting the boxes into the new and still empty place and then Ignis suggested we might want to go for a well-deserved ice cream. There was a small shop near the park that he’d already gone to and he could vouch for their sorbets. (And by now, I can say that I can vouch for the chocolate ice cream too, it’s really good.)

Ignis insisted on paying because I had been helping him all day and even drove him through the city. I protested but Ignis threatened me to keep my ice cream for himself, so obviously I had to accept. He gave me the treat and then patted me on my shoulder and this is where things went… strange.

He wouldn’t have had to but Ignis rested his hand on my shoulder for a few moments longer, without saying anything about it. It was just him and me and that one point of contact, with people walking by in the sunset while we were having ice cream. I’m not sure how long that lasted but it was all at once: too long and not long enough. Curse that kind of reaction really, my mind went completely blank. But at least I was sane enough to resist the urge of putting my head against his shoulder. I would have made a complete idiot of myself.

Day 73 (Wed)

Maybe I should just have leaned against him after all to see where that would have gone. I’m still hung up on it.

Day 76 (Sat)

When I woke up, Ignis had texted me and asked me to come over and help drive over some of the remaining boxes.

“If that is alright,” he wrote. Of course it is. I’m glad to be of help.

So I drove over in the afternoon and, well... Things went differently than I’d thought.

I was about to leave the car, when I saw Ignis standing in front of his apartment complex until I realised he wasn’t alone. He was talking to a big man, even taller than Ignis himself with long hair and muscled, tattooed arms. He was pointing at the small van behind him and then swatted Ignis’ arm. The way they were talking didn’t give off the impression of two strangers talking to each other, especially not when they hugged before Ignis returned inside of the building.

I felt a bit sick.

All that time I just assumed that Ignis might not actually be seeing someone, because there were no hints to it. Whenever he talked about things he did or wanted to do, not once did he mention anyone being with him. But maybe he did that because it was private after all.

It was stupid after all to think that someone like him wouldn’t be in a relationship. Ignis is too good to be true and I can’t be the only one seeing that.

Also if that’s his type, I really don’t stand a chance. I’m not anything like that guy.

But it was no use to stay in the car. I had to go up and help Ignis, as I promised. So I got out and, with my bad luck, had to walk by the other dude, who was rummaging with something in the van, to make some space for a heavy looking box that was still on the street. I tried not to look at him too much – I didn’t know him – but our eyes still met and I cursed internally, shoving my hands deeper into the pockets of my jeans. I think I saw him pull up a smirk but it can also just be my imagination.

Facing Ignis like this gave me mixed feelings. He did seem happy to see me and started an exciting talk about how he had looked up the area he was going to move to a little closer, only to discover nice little places to go: a bakery with bread and pastries fresh out of the oven every morning, one or two small bookstores that looked like they were hiding secrets, a greenhouse and a planetarium in the park… I can’t even remember everything but I was happy he was looking forward to exploring his new whereabouts.

I just couldn’t shake the picture he and the muscle guy would make together so I think I wasn’t really genuine when I tried to encourage him with his plans. I hope he didn’t notice but he probably did. Ignis is good with picking up small signals and I suck at hiding those.

What I also couldn’t hide though was, how tasty his pastries were. They were apparently a recipe from his grandma in Tenebrae and, bless him… They were so good. Like, they must be my favourite thing I have ever eaten, when it comes to dessert.

Ignis looked satisfied with himself and when we were done, he had to remind me, pointing at his own chin that I had one or the other crumb stuck in my beard. It was embarrassing, maybe I should start shaving again regularly after all. Though maybe that doesn’t matter so much anymore.

Later when Prompto texted me to ask how it went, I wasn’t really sure how to answer. So I just answered that, yeah, things went well and all the stuff Ignis had wanted me to carry over had been dealt with. That’s not what he meant though and I knew so it didn’t take long for him to call.

He tried to convince me that it might be a misunderstanding but I don’t know. That’s what all people are trying to tell themselves when they don’t want to come to terms with reality. Prompto said that was a pathetic way to think and that I should try and ask Ignis directly, or I’ll never know.

But asking him who that guy was is basically the same as going “are you seeing someone right now?” and, man, how obvious can you be? And who am I to ask that? And what if the answer is not what I want to hear?

Hah… look at me “wanting to hear” things and “expecting” or “hoping” for things. Since when did I have it so bad for him, and why? I don’t even know what made all of this start or how it came to be.

It’s a terrible roller coaster and… for the sake of getting over this, maybe Prompto is right and I should really just ask. Getting a clear answer is the best way to close the door on something and be done with it.

Day 77 (Sun)

I was thinking about asking him today, but it’s his day off and making him meet up with me for just this one thing feels wrong. Plus, he’s in the middle of moving so he doesn’t really need that extra baggage, so I’ll just have to wait for a bit longer.

Maybe I was just making a fuss over nothing and all of this was nothing more than the realisation that I can, apparently, go crazy over guys too. If that’s the only thing that comes out of this, I might have rather not known at all, I guess…

Day 78 (Mon)

No luck today. Something behind the barista counter seemed to be broken, so there was no time for casual conversation. The big, tan server with the long white hair was doing all the orders today, so Ignis didn’t even come around for a short greeting.

He saw me though and I could see him shoot me an apologetic look before he had to return for damage control.

Yeah… I would have also liked to talk, even if it might be the end of it all.

Day 79 (Tue)

Tuesdays have Ignis working the early shift, I had memorised as much. So I took the chance and went, early enough to have a coffee before clocking in at work and to my surprise Ignis was waiting for me.

“Forgive me, I didn’t have the time to come over yesterday,” he said, setting the menu onto my table before he took a seat next to me. All the while, his distractingly long legs stand out even more when he sits with them crossed.

I tried to play it down and asked instead what had happened yesterday, adding that I was sorry for his trouble and that he’d looked very stressed. He explained that it had been an issue with the water pipes and some of the stock having gone bad because of a leak that they still had had to fix on top of that. The matter had been taken care of though and an expert would be coming over to have a look sometime that same morning.

So I continued the small talk and with every sentence, I felt like I was only making it worse.

The comfy feeling I usually had when talking to him had been replaced by dread all over again and I was only dragging it out by asking if the move was going well or if there was anything still left to do.

Not much, Ignis said and went on explaining about how there was still an issue with one or the other power sockets in his new place and obviously he had to unpack all the boxes yet. But gladly enough, he had taken care of getting the bulky stuff delivered and put up again.

This is it, I thought. This was the moment to ask, sneakily if I could. But I’m not too thoughtful when it comes to that, so I asked him if, by chance, he was referring to the strong guy who had been at his apartment complex the other day.

Ignis blinked and I rambled on, that I didn’t mean to but that when I arrived, I accidentally saw him and what must have been his boyfriend hugging each other from the car, because the other guy was storing something in a van afterwards, along with other stuff. So I just assumed that it would be him, helping Ignis out.

My heart was racing and I think I was pretty proud that I didn’t stumble over the word “boyfriend” when rushing it out and then I was sitting there, looking into Ignis’ frowning face. I know, it must have sounded creepy as heck and so I clarified that I wasn’t prying or anything and that I just happened to park the car moments before.

It took a few more seconds for him to connect the dots before Ignis’ face lit up and he nodded slowly.

Apparently the man’s name is Gladio and he has been friends with Ignis since university. (I wouldn’t have thought him to be a guy for studying just judging by his looks, but after what Ignis said, he had a degree in history and they had met in some interdisciplinary class.) And yes, he was helping Ignis out with the heavier furniture and rebuilding them in his flat.

“What made you think we were boyfriends, pray tell?” Ignis then asked me with an expression I couldn’t quite read. Suspicion. Amusement. Confusion. It could have been all three of them or something completely different altogether.

So I repeated that I had accidentally seen how they had been hugging and I hated that my face must have turned red when I did. It was so embarrassing, I felt so bad.

Ignis looked bewildered but laughed about it, which made me want to shrink or disappear completely.

He took extra care in explaining that while they were friends, I was mistaken with my judgement and, no, they were not boyfriends and never had been. I couldn’t manage to look him in the eyes and just nodded, apologising for the weirdness and for having assumed.

I don’t think Ignis minded. At least he didn’t comment on the whole thing anymore after that, which I was very thankful for. (Looking at it now, maybe he knew I was bothered and he didn’t want to make me feel more embarrassed than I already was. And shit, it was embarrassing.)

But I had the feeling something about him had changed after that conversation. There was something in his eyes, in his expression whenever our eyes met that I can’t put my finger on.

I feel like I have no ground to stand on, like I’m hanging somewhere mid-air and I don’t know what to do about it. Maybe I ruined it by asking. But I can’t get those eyes out of my head. It’s consuming me.

Day 80 (Wed)

I didn’t sleep well.

It’s okay that I didn’t get any follow up messages from Ignis - we’re not writing every single day, so that doesn’t necessarily have to mean anything.

But at the same time the silence is killing me.

What if I fucked up?

I need to be brave enough and continue doing as I did. There’s no use in avoiding it anymore. It’s unspoken, hanging somewhere in between us and avoiding it won’t solve anything.

Lunch at the café, tomorrow it is. Without Prompto. I need to get this sorted on my own.

Day 81 (Thu)

Oh my fucking god, I think I’m losing it.

Things are coming together. The writing, that paragraph back then when I left my notebook on the table and someone deliberately left a note behind: That was Ignis. I can’t wrap my head around it, it was him.

I went to have lunch today, just to keep my routine going and to not make anything more awkward than it already was and it went fine at first. Ignis was there, as suspected and we did engage in small talk, the usual things. But that look in his eyes was still there, still so very unsettling…

And then I got the bill. He brought it over by himself but instead of putting it onto the table he held it out to me, waiting for me to take it. I thought it was weird but when I took it, I saw that there was a handwritten line on the bottom part of the receipt.

Fortune favours the bold.

It made my heart clench and I know I whipped my head up way too fast but he was still standing there, calm and proper but still looking at me in that way. And then I realised the heaviness of his gaze, the way it was pushing me, trying to tell me things and keeping secrets unspoken behind those mismatched greens.

I couldn’t speak, my throat went dry and my tongue was heavy in my mouth.
I managed to swallow, paid and then... I don’t even know how I left that place. Everything felt like it had been wrapped in cotton. But it must have worked somehow because at some point I was home, comparing the words on the receipt with the ones that someone had left what feels like ages ago.

The handwriting was the same.

I can’t get over it, the handwriting was the same.

And then I reread some of the stuff I wrote and… it has been him all the time, hasn’t it? I didn’t even realise how much I wrote about him…

I’m scared. I’m really scared that my heart can’t take it.

Day 82 (Fri)

I avoided meeting him. Prompto was urging me to at least get some food but I couldn’t make myself. He wanted to know if everything was okay and I couldn’t really answer anything other than “eventually”. I’m sure that made him worry… but I’ll have to apologise later.

No message from Ignis.

Day 83 (Sat)

Still no message from Ignis.

Maybe I should text him… but what can I write, really?

Day 84 (Sun)

I just woke up and thought my stomach would turn over when I saw the notification.

It’s Ignis. He sent a message. He asked if I wanted to meet.

My whole body is in shivers. I barely slept and I look like I’ve been hit by a truck.
But answering “no” would both be rude and a lie.

I want to meet him but I’m scared. Here goes nothing.

----

I… didn’t anticipate many factors of what happened today. I’m also not sure I can recollect them in order but I’ll just write as I go. It’s… a lot.

So it… started with us meeting downstairs, in front of Ignis’ new apartment. The wind was chilly and I remember my hands being clammy when I walked up to him, picture perfect, as always. I don’t know how he does it, everything about him looks totally effortless.

And with that same effortlessness, he greeted me, asking if I was alright and if it was okay with me that we would take a walk or if I was too cold. I couldn’t help but stare at that kind face of his, speckled with scars that were pulling on his skin as he spoke, as they always were. But it felt like they were holding him back or even holding him together today.

I think I saw something insecure in his features and I hate to have been the reason for that.

So we went for a walk, past the ice cream stall and the little lake in the park. Ignis told me they would put up a small ice rink next month, all the time through February. He had seen it on the internet and had been thinking that… it might look nice, especially at night when they would put on the lights.

My chest was so tight. His voice sounded wishful and… almost a little sad. Let’s go together, I wanted to tell him. I’d make a fool out of myself but if you show me how to do it, it might still be fun.

I almost did but all I could do was bite my lip.

Then Ignis called my name and I felt like time had decided to stand still and there was nothing but him and I.

“I know, or at least I think that something has shifted,” he said. “And I think you noticed too.”

Yeah, no joke. I did. But I couldn’t say anything so I pressed my lips together and nodded. Inside my coat pockets my nails were digging into my palms.

Ignis asked me to look at him. It took a lot of courage to do so but then all I saw was him in all his sincerity, how he was looking at me as if he too was making himself vulnerable, as if he too was… scared. But that wasn’t possible, Ignis always knew exactly what he was doing.

“Please, Noct. Talk to me,” is what he said. He wanted to know if I was trying to run away and he feared that he had said something wrong or if he had made me uncomfortable. He said he would apologise for it and not do it again.

My body reacted before I could with a violent shake of my head. That’s not it, I said. I think I almost yelled.

I am scared Ignis. I’ve never felt this way and I am scared of messing up. I am scared there is something wrong with me and that you will come to realise that. I don’t know what I am doing but I have been thinking of you a lot and when I thought you might have a partner, I felt physically sick over it. It’s the most stupid and egoistic thing to say and I am not expecting anything other than to be accepted. You don’t have to stick with me, you don’t need to care about me but please don’t laugh at me. This whole thing makes me feel terribly helpless and dumb but there is something about you that makes me want to be around you and be with you. I don’t know if that’s just some weird mistake my brain is making but you’ve snuck into my life and I can’t think you out of it again. And it scares me, Ignis. I’m scared of myself and I feel like I don’t know myself anymore. And I don’t want you to get any damage from that because you don’t deserve that. I want you to be happy, to pursue that baking degree and go to all those restaurants you want to go to, whenever you want to go. I don’t want to be a burden. You’re an amazing person, Ignis. And I think I finally realised that. And I’m not sure I have a place by your side. Maybe I’m not what you need at all and maybe you’ll get sick of me. I don’t know what I have to offer but I want to look for something I can give to you. If I could only ask you to help me with that…

I’m not… sure how much of this came across. Even now, writing it down it’s still just heavy rambling but…

At some point Ignis stopped me, calling my name, multiple times and I only snapped out of it as I felt his hands grip around my arms. I realised I was gasping for air and that my hands were shaking. I still… can’t believe that I broke, I must have said so much…

But Ignis only looked at me, with a tenderness that made my heart ache. I registered him inching closer but I didn’t move, I was frozen in place. Only when I could almost feel his breath on my lips, a switch in my brain snapped and I pulled myself closer to bury my head against his chest.

I know by now, I must have dodged… a kiss. I’m sure that’s what it was about to become. But Ignis made no remarks and he didn’t seem upset either. Instead, he took me into his arms and held me there for what felt like an eternity. There was so much white noise in my ears and I think I was crying but Ignis was just quietly holding me and… it felt so good. It was such a big relief. The warmth, the scent of someone else’s washing liquid in their clothes and soothing hands on my back.

I felt safe.

I felt blessed.

“Thank you,” I heard his murmur vibrate in his chest. Before I could panic over it, he continued, that there was no rush, no race against time to reach a certain goal and that he didn’t want to force me. He too had been at a loss and was wondering if I would have ever talked to him about it, if he hadn’t more or less forcefully confronted me. He was… scared to chase me away, to have mistaken my signs for simple friendliness, he said.

I confessed that I had never felt this way for a man before.

Ignis just accepted that and assured me that, should I wish for it, I was safe with him.

We… agreed to see where this goes. Take it slow and just… try to be natural. But even as I’m writing now, my heart is hammering. I want to hug him again. I want to show him that I’m not as weak as I might have looked today. I… want to be someone to rely on. And if I’m honest… I kinda… have been thinking about how his lips would feel against mine.

I want to get to know him. And to think I actually might, is the most surreal thing on earth.

Day 90 (Sat)

I didn’t notice that I’ve been neglecting this space for almost a week but I need to write down that shaving was the absolute best idea I had this morning. Maybe it wouldn’t have gone that smoothly with a beard.

I kissed him.

We were visiting the greenhouse in the park today and Ignis was explaining something he had read about orchids while pointing at different species before him, when I just cut him off. Calling his name made him stop talking and when he looked over to me, I took the leap, pulled him down by his scarf and just kissed him.

I still don’t believe it but I don’t regret a single thing.

(I hope he won’t mind the beard, eventually.)

Day 93 (Tue)

We went for dinner tonight after work and on our way back home, Ignis took my hand.

It was the first time walking together outside like this and I couldn’t stop smiling like an idiot.

Ignis’ hands are bigger than mine but also slimmer. And they are also a little ticklish but always gentle.

I like them. They feel safe.

Day 117 (Fri)

I met Gladio today. It was a bit embarrassing because Iggy told him the whole story of how I had been thinking he might be Iggy’s boyfriend. But that moment passed and I actually got to know him. He’s a really cool guy and I’m glad Iggy has a friend like him. It really felt a bit like the closeness between Prompto and me, so Gladio must be important to his life.

I hope we hang out more often, it was fun.

Day 125 (Sat)

We went ice skating today. My butt hurts but it was worth it. It was beautiful with all the illuminations and Iggy looked so good on the ice. I still can’t believe it.

Day 131 (Sat)

I’m going to the cinema with Iggy today. It’s a movie we’ve both been wanting to see, so I hope it’s as nice as the trailers made us think. Something epic about a prophecy, gods and a crystal but still keeping in touch with life as we know it. I’m really looking forward to it, it sounded promising.

Also it will be my first time staying over in Ignis’ flat.

There are a lot of things that I’m insecure about and… I must say that I’m a bit nervous. But I think it’s safe to trust Iggy, so I’m trying not to be scared. He’ll know the way.

Day 132 (Sun)

He is unbelievably beautiful.

Day 140 (Sun)

I properly introduced Iggy to dad today and I think he took it quite well. Obviously there is some stuff to come to terms with but I think he’s doing a great job. I’m really relieved.

Day 180 (Fri)

One day late for Iggy’s birthday, he got his first certificate for his baking degree. He was so happy, he couldn’t wait until we’d met to tell me and called instantly.

I just popped champagne into the fridge and ordered food to arrive when he’ll be coming back. Time to double celebrate.

Day 251 (Sun)

We might be visiting Iggy’s family in Tenebrae by the end of this year. It’s still more than six months to go but I’m excited. Also a bit nervous, but most of all excited. It’s so cool when Iggy speaks Tenebraean… I should let him know sometime.

Day 382 (Fri)

I love him dearly.

Notes:

And that's a wrap! Thank you for giving your time and attention to this little thing of mine that had been stewing for far too long until it was set free! I'd be glad to know what you thought about it!
And just a few fun facts:
Ardyn actually nudges Ignis in the beginning, telling him "now that looks like someone you might fancy" about Noct and Ignis grimaces because he doesn't like being teased for not having had a relationship in a long time. But then again, it might also have helped him actually paying attention...
The "dates" in the diary, though not mentioned explicitly actually work out with the calendar of 2018! (A coincidence because that's when I started thinking about this and writing the first entries of the diary.)
This leaves the two of them with following dates to remember:
Confession day is 4th November
First kiss day is 11th November
First sleepover is 22nd December
Last entry is Noct’s birthday

Actions

Kudos

Nyanctis, Ihalonia, mattimay, Retirenow, Yuranbi, kwiksatik, bourbonmouse, Kyuyeoncore, Starklocked, Mayonaka_no_Tenshi, Bookworm776, JuAtsumi, SnowFoody, geogirl, sideB_track2, GoWombat, Spicule, Bagpipes5k2, Umi_no_Kami, LunarRose131, Noctis_theowl, silver_dragon_XV, and Fuentedeestrellas as well as 7 guests left kudos on this work!

Archive of Our Own

Actions

Work Header

Dear diary...

HisGlasses

Summary:

Notes:

Work Text:

Notes:

Actions

Kudos

Comments

Footer

About the Archive

Contact Us

Development