Archive of Our Own

Bucky x reader

Bucky’s POV.

“Steve, seriously. I don’t need a babysitter”

“I’m not babysitting you, Buck”

“Then why are you still on my damn ass when you could be on the other side of this fuckin’ warehouse, and thus, making this go a hell of a lot faster?”

Silence.

Steve can be such a damn mom sometimes., thinking I can’t do a fucking sweep on my own.

“You know, sometimes you make me think that you just like lookin’ at my ass, Rogers”

“I’d like to be lookin’ at your ass when I kick it” Steve muttered under his breath, as if I couldn’t hear it.

“Don’t tempt me”

“Hey guys, this little back and forth is fun and all, but maybe you should pay a little more attention to your left” Barton’s voice chimed over the coms. “There’s a heat signature in that room”

We should have been paying more attention, because we would have walked right passed the huge vault-like door if Clint hadn’t pointed it out.

“I got this, Steve” I nodded at him, and saw him hesitate for a moment, but soldiered on (ha) anyway, leaving me to deal with who- or what- ever was behind the thick steel door.

“Barton, you got my back here?”

“You got it”

I noted the door wasn’t shut all the way; it left just a little creak and it was barely hanging on its hinges. If this thing drops, it’s gonna make a fuck lotta noise. Can’t have that.

I tried pulling gently, but soon realised I had to give it a lot more strength to get it to open.

“Get ready for some noise. This door aint what it used to be”

“Copy” Steve’s voice sounded in my ear.

There was some noise, but not what I expected. A loud screeching sound, the corner of the door scraping across the concrete floor, as I pulled harder. Though, it stayed put on its hinges. There was something to say about the Russians and their doormaking, apparently.

No windows, no lights. Great.

“Barton, where’s that heat signature. It’s dead silent in here”

“It’s in the corner. Looks like there’s another door or wall between it and you, Barnes”

“Copy” I grumbled. I really didn’t feel like playing cat and mouse games with this.. thing.

It only took a minute for my eyes to adjust to the darkness around me, as I spotted another door. A smaller one, though made of steel just as thick as the one I just passed.

It was shut. And locked. Damn. Although; maybe..

“Steve, you all clear?”

“Yeah. Circling my way back to you” Steve’s voice was normal, but still a bit hushed.

“Alright, I’m gonna break a wall”

“What?” Steve was a little louder that time.

Before he could protest about it, I already drilled my metal fist right next to the lock of the steel door, incapacitating it’s purpose instantly. Russian doors: craftsmanship, Russian walls: useless.

The room must have been a bit crooked, because the door began to open slowly towards me. A bright stream of light suddenly illuminated the room I was in, growing larger as the door opened further.

The door made no sound at all, but there was something breaking the silence. Was that.. crying? Quiet, shaky whimpering reached my ears and curiosity got the better of me. Pulling the door open completely, I was faced with a dirty small cell-like room, hardly the size of a broom closet if I’ve ever seen one. Inside there was a figure, trying to hide away in the furthest corner. Completely ducked in on itself, head buried behind knees that were pulled up as far as they could, arms wrapped around legs. Shaking, trembling uncontrollably all over. Automatically, wanting to help, I took a step closer. But the figure ducked in even more, whimpering in utter panic. Taking a closer look I saw dirty skin, black blotches of.. something all over the trembling body, which seemed to be covered with nothing at all.

The realisation hit me like a two tons of fucking bricks. The trembling, panicked figure, is a woman. A woman who was locked in this goddamn broom closet for some reason -knowing Hydra, I didn’t really want to know the reason- and left here when they heard we were on to this place to die.

I tried taking another step, but she looked like she was plowing herself into the wall. Or trying to, at least.

“Hey” I whispered, crouching down to her eye level to hopefully come on less intimidating. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m not gonna hurt you”

For fuck sake, what did they do to her? She’s still shaking like crazy, her face still not visible from where it’s hidden behind her knees.

‘Gotta hand it to her, she is bendy’

Goddamn my sarcastic, snarky brain.

“Barnes. You’re at the heat signature. What’s going on there?” Clint’s voice startled me a bit, also startling the woman before me because of my sudden movement.

“Found it, Barton. We’re gonna need some medical attention here when the sweep is done”

“You alright, Buck?” Steve’s (mom) voice chimed in.

“Fine”

I pulled out my com -completely ignoring every protocol, whatever- not wanting to be disturbed any more. I needed this woman to look up, or at least make other movements than just tremble in the corner, so I could check her for injuries.

“My name is Bucky” I started with another whisper, still startling her into shaking violently. “It’s alright. Hydra’s gone. Whatever they did to you, it’s over”

That got her attention. She looked up at me, abruptly; caught me off guard with the sudden eye contact. Her hair still covered half her face, the long strands knotted and matted with filth. Now over the initial shock of the intense stare she gave me, I noticed another thing: blood. She was covered with it. Cuts, scratches, scrapes covered her face and neck, shoulders and I only noticed now that her arms and legs hadn’t been left untouched.

“I want to help you” I said gently, still not moving towards her. I decided I should try that after she stops shaking.

Silence. Different approach.

“Can you tell me your name?”

… Nothing. At this point I’m not even sure she can speak.

“I promise, I’m not gonna hurt you. I know you may have heard that a million times.. but..” I ran out of words. “Fuck” I added with a scowl at myself. Lets just say, I aint good with comforting words, especially not in these situations.

The shaking lessened. How about that?

“Can you move?”

She gave a barely-there, tiny nod.

“Can you.. speak?”

Nothing. Ok. One hurdle at a time then.

Her eyes were still boring into mine, shining with suspicion, but also, curiosity. Guess that’s a step forward, if anything.

“Do you mind if I come closer?”

She didn’t move or speak, but her eyes seemed to soften a bit, so I took that as a sign to proceed.

She flinched when I raised my hand; I stopped mid air.

“I’m not gonna hurt you, I promise. I just want to see if you’re hurt badly” I kept my voice soft, hoping to keep her from shaking like she did a moment ago. It looked like she was rattling her bones with that.

She shook her head.

“You’re not hurt?” I cocked an eyebrow at her.

She gave a small nod. I gave a small smile.

“Can you walk? Or.. stand?”

She shook her head, her arms releasing her legs, one hand moving down her shin, stopping at her ankle.

I should really start paying more attention in these situations. A shackle on her ankle, attached to the wall she was still trying to disappear into kept her from moving further from it than she was now. The chain was stressed with the way she was sitting.

“Fuckin’ hell” I muttered breathily. The woman is fucking shackled to the wall, as if she’s a damn animal. I don’t have a good thing to say about Hydra, but compared to this, my stay in the cryo chamber seemed like the goddamn Marriott; especially the one in T’Challa’s facility. To add to that, she’s awake. I wasn’t. But enough with the misery comparing, I need to get her out of here.

“I’m gonna move now, okay?” I carefully leaned forward, reaching for the chain with my metal arm, noticing her warily staring at it out of the corner of my eye. The chain broke easily in my grip and I was able to remove the shackle from her ankle. And damn, it looked like it’d been a while since it had come off. The skin underneath the metal was completely torn. Bruised, bloody and even her flesh was showing a little where it dug in the most.

“Jesus fuck” I breathed, looking at her wide eyed.

Somehow I felt her panic ebb away slowly, only to return when I heard Steve call out for me. He wasn’t being loud, but it still scared her enough to start shaking again.

“No, hey, it’s okay. He’s my friend. He’s here to help” I tried to shush her, but Steve came into her sight and she ducked away completely. The skin of her back must be bruising with the way she tried to shove herself through the wall.

“Oh my god” Steve mumbled behind me.

“Steve, I got this. Get the jet ready, she’s coming with us”

“Y-yeah. Sure, Buck” he stammered at the horrific sight.

I heard him leave, and I hoped that I didn’t have to start all over again.

“There’s five of us here” I decided to lay it all out for her. “Me, my friend Steve, who just left; Clint, he’s up in a tree somewhere, Sam, he’s up in the air somewhere and Natasha, she’s back at the jet. They’re my friends. They’re not gonna hurt you either”

She slowly stopped shaking again. “They’re nice, I promise. They’re weird; but really very nice”

I hoped making a bit of small-talk would calm her down more, and it seemed to work. I couldn’t believe I was pulling this off. Not much of a talker, I am, only with Steve. But now, the mission required it; and yes, I was curios.

“I want to get you out of here. You need medical attention”

She looked up again, her stare less intense than it was before. Her eyes look glassy, tears are spilling now. (I am not, I repeat, NOT of any use around crying women)

“Please, let me get you out of this shit-hole” I tried, desperate to just get her to move.

I wanted to do a victory dance. She nodded. A tiny gesture, again. But she nodded, anyway.

“Okay” I breathed with a smile I couldn’t fight off. “Can I help you stand?”

She suddenly moved. Her arms released her legs, and she began to stand up.

I should really start paying more attention. And Hydra needs to be obliterated. (I know, understatement and ‘duh’, but for fuck sake) She’s completely bare, save for some just as filthy as the rest of her cotton white panties. God, I really don’t want to know what they held her here for. But I have a few educated guesses.

“Oh, fuck no” I muttered, shock of the realisation still settling in as I shrug off my jacket and slowly and carefully drape it over her shoulders to cover her.

As if the weight of the garment was to much, her knees buckled and I could only just catch her before she fell to the concrete.

“It’s okay. I’ve got you” I whispered when she looked at me; her eyes wide, scared and full of wary anticipation. As if she expected me to get angry with her. I know damn well where that comes from.

“I’m not gonna hurt you” I repeated, trying to reassure her again. “You can’t walk. Will you let me carry you?”

No response for a while, wary eyes still on mine, before she consented with a small, hesitant nod. I took my com from the floor, letting her lean against the wall for a moment.

“We’re incoming, medic stand by, contact Banner at the compound, have him get ready for treatment of minor injuries” I pressed my com while I spoke. “Only Banner. No one else is to be present at the medical bay”

“Copy” Natasha’s voice came through, probably already aware of the situation.

Just as I stopped talking I noticed the woman shift slightly, leaning her back to the wall entirely. Her eyes heavily lidded, a stark contrast to the wide-eyed expression she was giving me moments ago.

“I’m going to lift you, okay?”

She nodded, a little more clearly now, though slower. She’s at the end of her rope, completely exhausted.

She’s light as a feather; skin and bones just as well. Her ribs are showing slightly and her skin feels  dry, dehydration.

“Fuck, what did they do to you” I muttered silently, a rhetorical question, really. She wouldn’t have to tell me what they did, the cuts and scrapes on her skin were loud enough.

A soft whimper left her when I took her in my arms, she must be hurting all over.

“I’m sorry, it wont be long, I promise” I whispered at her, quickly making my way out of the broom closet and through the other room, which I now noticed looked like a sick mash up between a surgical room and a torture chamber.

Now I know I’m gonna be spending a lot of time in the gym after this one, because I just need to kick or punch or murder something. I remain calm and steady, for her sake. But, fuck. After seeing this.. I didn’t think I could hate Hydra more than I already did, but they proved me wrong.

———

She’s barely conscious when I step into the jet, making a b-line for the stretcher that was set up for her. Making sure I wasn’t making this any more painful or humiliating for her than it already was, I carefully removed my jacket from her shoulders and wrapped her up in a blanket, covering her up entirely.

“Jesus, Barnes” Natasha’s voice sounded hushed from behind me. “what the fuck happened to her?”

I took a deep breath, sighing it out before I answered. “She was tortured; maybe more than that”

I’ve never seen Black Widow look as horrified as she did right then. She always knew how to retain her pokerface, but after seeing this; no one would be able to keep a straight face.

“We ready to go?” Clint and Sam joined us in the jet, curiously looking at the woman laying on the stretcher behind me. For some reason I felt the need to cover her up more and protect her, even though she was already completely covered.

“All clear” Steve called out, looking around the area one last time.

———

“Who is she?” Bruce helped lifting the top of the stretcher to the table.

“We don’t know” I sighed, watching as he went to working on checking her over. “she hasn’t spoken. I’m not even sure she can. Though I did hear her cry, barely, but she did”

“Then it’s likely she was just too spooked to speak” Bruce mumbled as he carefully slid off the blanket from her.

“Holy sh-“ he breathed, wide eyed at all the blood and filth covering her. It pained me more every fucking time. “You found her like this?”

“Yeah. I think the worst injury is on her left ankle. She had a shackle around it, chained to the wall. She could barely move, so it damaged her skin pretty bad”

Bruce lifted the blanket off her ankle and agreed. “Yeah. This is pretty damn bad”

He moved around the room for a bit, gathering a few things to clean her wounds with.

“I’m gonna need your help, James” he turned to me, holding an IV bag and a needle. “I get why I can’t have any of my assistants here, but I can’t do this by myself”

“Of course. Tell me what to do, doc”

“Hold this up” he handed me the bag, and went to look for a spot on her arm he could put the IV.

“Squeeze the bag lightly, please” he mumbled and I did what I was told, seeing the fluid run through the wire slowly.

“What’s in this?”

“It’s just fluids, she’s dehydrated, but we can’t risk her drinking anything just yet. Even if she wakes up in the next hour”

She did. Right when I hung up the IV bag where Bruce told me to. She breathed heavily when she noticed her unfamiliar surroundings and began to frantically look around for an exit.

“Hey, it’s okay. Remember me? You’re safe” I blocked her line of sight entirely, making her look at me. I have to admit, I took some pride in being able to calm her down like that. She hesitantly eased back to the rough cushion on the stretcher, not taking her eyes off me, until Bruce moved beside her.

She startled, looking at him warily as he stopped moving completely, to not get her worked up even more.

“This is Bruce” I whispered to her. “He’s gonna take care of your injuries”

After a few moments she seemed to be calmer than she’d been since I found her so Bruce proceeded, still under suspicious watch of her wide eyes.

“James, could you get me some gauze?” Bruce spoke softly, knowing not to startle her.

I turned to move away from her, but was stopped by panicked whimpers falling from her lips. I turned back to her, catching her frightened gaze, pleading with me not to leave her alone.

“Sshh, it’s okay” I shushed her gently, not really knowing what to do at this point. “You’re gonna be okay”

I felt her eyes follow me where I went until I was back at her side.

PART 2:

It took a good hour until all her wounds were tended to. Bruce had a pained expression on his face the entire time he was attending to her, probably unwillingly imagining the grim images of what was done to her, just as I had been doing.

“She seems to be fixated on you” Bruce said as he disposed of his latex gloves. “she trusts you; for as far as she can trust anyone”

I sighed, biting my lower lip, a nervous tick that I can’t seem to get rid of. “I noticed. What am I supposed to do with that?”

“I know it’s inconvenient, but you’re gonna have to be the one to take care of her. If she’s ever going to speak, it’ll be with you” Bruce said matter-of-factly.

“It’s not inconvenient” I said all too quickly. “I just..” another sigh left me, “I’m not good at this kind of thing”

“You’re doing pretty well so far” He smiled. “Just keep talking to her, ask her questions. Try to have her answer you, interact with you”

I nodded absentmindedly, watching her drift in and out of consciousness.

“You’re gonna have to clean her up”

———

After two more hours of hydration through a damn tube, I took her up to the apartment I shared with Steve, making sure he wouldn’t be there when I arrived with her. I thought about taking her to the showers at the med-bay, but Bruce thought it better to put her in a homey environment to have her be more at ease. I couldn’t argue with that. If she ever was allowed to clean up, it would have probably been in a room either looking like a hospital or a torture chamber.

Bruce was right about her being fixated on me. She clung to me as if I was her life-line, frightened of her surroundings, jumping when the elevator announced it’s arrival, almost lunging herself in my arms when FRIDAY asked what floor we wanted to go to. I held her close to me, hoping to comfort her as I calmly named my floor number.

“How are you feeling?” I looked down to her, knowing she wouldn’t answer me, but Bruce told me to keep interacting with her, so I did. “You feelin’ a little better?”

Maybe sticking to questions requiring yes or no answers would be better for now.

She nodded meekly. Huh. Nice judgement on my end.

“Good. Lets get you cleaned up, okay?” The elevator doors opened and I carefully had her follow me, taking her hand in mine, not stepping to far away from her.

I took her directly to the bathroom, stopping when I realised I had to strip her bare and actually clean her up. I wondered for a minute if I could just turn on the shower for her and leave her to it, but one look into her eyes told me ‘hell no’.

“I- uh. God. Do you want me to leave you to shower?”

Her eyes grew wide in shock.

“Okay, no, it’s okay!” I shushed her quickly, before she’d freak out on me. “I’m not gonna leave. It’s okay. We just need to get you cleaned up”

A deep breath and a crap load of blushing bypassed, I carefully untied the strings at the back of the hospital gown-like thing Bruce had put on her, sliding it off her shoulders while minding all the wounds and scars that riddled her skin. She looks like she’s been through hell. The water made some noise, making her jerk back a bit.

“Go ahead” I smile at her, trying to encourage her to step into the cabin. “You’ll feel better after, I promise” I’m promising a lot today.

She seemed to believe me, slowly letting me lead her through the cabin doors, holding her up by her arms until she stood under the warm spray of water.

“Warm enough?”

She looks at me incredulously, confused at my question, or maybe even shocked. If they ever cleaned her up, it would’ve been with cold water. Her knees threatened to buckle again, again I was only just in time to catch her from slipping.

“Hold on to the wall for a moment” I whispered, guiding her hand to the wall, and then quickly taking off my shirt and combat pants, with all the weaponry still on it to step into the shower with her. She can’t even fucking stand on her own. Hydra did a goddamn number on her alright.

I leave my boxers on, because this isn’t a goddamn date and I’m already feeling like I’m overstepping some boundaries here. But I just can’t get in the damn shower with my combat gear on, last time that shit got wet it took me an hour to peel it off. Not repeating that experience.

She’s watching me as I step beside her, the shower cabin is big enough to hold at least two more of us, maybe even three of her, the way she’s malnourished.

Then she does something that literally rips my heart to shreds. She gets on her knees.

For a moment I just stare at her, as she stares back. Then she reaches for the hem of my boxers and I finally remember I have reflexes. I quickly grab her hand, knowing my expression must confuse her because she’s scared now.

“Please” I manage to choke out. “Please, stand up”

She obeys and shakily holds herself up on her trembling legs.

“Listen to me” I let a tiny bit of command lace through my tone, because I really, really just need her to hear me. “You don’t have to do that anymore. To anyone. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do anymore. No one will hurt you, no one will force you to do anything”

After some time of her just staring at me, she opens her mouth as if she wants to speak, but closes it again. Just as I thought this was starting to look hopeless, she drops to her knees again, but not with the same intention she had before. She leans her back to the wall and leans her head back to it. She shifts and takes the same position, with her knees up to her chest, in which I found her only a few hours ago. A rough, broken sob rips from her throat and she cries.

I’m so absolute shit around crying women.

I can only think of one thing to do, and I’m doing it before I even notice my body moving. Even in the comfort of my own damn shower I feel the need to protect her with my life. She’s not shocked at my touch this time, she’s like a ragdoll in my arms. Leaning into me when I wrap my arms around her, sitting next to her against the wall, pulling her into my lap as the tears keep coming. They’re silent tears now, no more sobs or other sounds coming from her as she lays her head in the crook of my neck and just lets me hold her.

“I’m so sorry for what they did to you” my voice sounds hoarse and I’m no cryer, but I know damn well what it feels like to hold back tears. And I’m glad she doesn’t.

“I wont ever let anyone hurt you again” I hear myself speak, not knowing where the words came from, but knowing they’re true.

“You’re safe now”

———

Natasha left clothes for her to wear. Sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt. I’m so grateful for that woman, I hadn’t even thought of that yet. Again with the paying attention, thinking ahead is a part of that; a mental note to self, that one.

The horror doesn’t seem to end as I lead her through the door of my bedroom. I let her sit on my bed and begin to dress her, now for the first time noticing long -horrible looking- scars on her back. They took a whip to her. A god -fucking- damn whip. I think I’ve finally reached my line.

“Please. Please, tell me your name” I beg her, sinking down to my knees before her. I have no idea why I’m begging for her name when I’ve reached my limit, but here I am.

“Please. Just-.. talk to me. I know you can speak”

It remains silent for a long time, and just when I’ve decided to give up trying to get her to speak, she does just that.

“Thank you”

It comes out small, silent and slowly.

That’s a weird name. Really, brain? Now with the snarky comments?

I smile at her, meeting her eyes, noticing how bright they are, even if they’re full of pain.

“My name is Y/N”

She’s really getting chatty now, huh?

I almost groan at myself, the way my thoughts were handling this situation wasn’t appropriate in the slightest. Sometimes I wonder if I have a split personality, but that would just be too ironic in my situation. I just thank fuck for my filter, every day.

“Nice to meet you, Y/N” I smile a little wider at her, trying to make the situation less heavy for her. “You know you can call me Bucky, but that’s a very clingy nickname. My name is James Barnes”

She doesn’t reply, I guess this was enough talking for now anyway. Just as I help her pull the shirt over her head and make sure she’s covered properly she tilts her head slightly.

“Why Bucky?”

I raise my eyebrows in surprise of her voice. It’s soft and sweet, curious even, she doesn’t sound frightened or wary the way she did before.

“What?” I stupidly blurt out, still not sure I’m hearing her right.

“Your nickname.. Bucky. I don’t understand” she says softly.

“Oh” stupid again, not even a word. “I- uh.. My middle name is Buchanan. And since there was a lot of people around called ‘James’ when I was younger, it was decided that I -thankfully- wouldn’t be called ‘Jamie’, but Bucky instead”

She was quiet for a while again. I lead her to the kitchen, following Bruce’s orders of making her a protein shake, instead of anything to fast, because she probably wouldn’t be able to keep anything else down. We knew she hadn’t eaten in days, the compound was deserted for over a week and she was locked in there. How she survived without water that long, was a mystery yet to be solved. Anger, go away, not a good time right now.

“I like it” she suddenly speaks again, almost making me drop the glass I was about to hand her.

She notices my confusion.

“Your name; Bucky. I like it”

She must be the sweetest damn thing I’ve ever..

Nope, no scowling at my brain this time. It’s true.

“Thank you” I scoff lightly, handing her the glass, “drink this, it’ll still your hunger. You can’t have anything solid yet, but we’ll work up to it”

“I’m not hungry” she retorts right after I stop speaking. Almost as if we’re engaging in an actual conversation.

“You’re not-.. How long have you been without food?”

“I don’t know”

“Do you know how long you were held there?”

“No”

I know about getting over your hunger, but this beats everything.

“Will you drink it anyway? You need to get your strength back” I smile carefully, gauging her reaction.

She’s staring at the glass for a while and then gives a nod, taking a small sip, only to perk up instantly at either the taste (I highly doubt that) or the feel of getting something down her throat (well shit. That sounded just terrible, since she just got on her knees for me. What the hell is wrong with me?)

“When you’re done you need to rest, you can sleep in my bed”

She looks at me wide-eyed, and I’m just wrecking my brain to find if I may have voiced any of my inappropriate thoughts. I didn’t.

“What’s wrong?” my head almost hurts from frowning.

“A.. bed?” she drawls slowly.

“Oh, god” I mumbled. “You were in there for a long time, weren’t you?”

I- I’m sorry, I don’t..”

“No! No, don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault. Jesus, please don’t apologise. Ever”

Ever? That’s a bit exaggerated, oh well, roll with it.

“You’ve done nothing wrong, okay? I’m just.. shocked at what you’ve been through”

She looks at me and tilts her head in that same incredibly cute way before looking down at the glass again.

“Me too” she whispers, managing to rip out my heart completely instead of just ripping it to shreds. “I don’t want to be alone”

————

“I don’t want to be alone”

Is she serious? Is she fucking serious? As if I’d let her out of my damn sight! She’ll never be alone again if it’s up to me, and so far, it is, and I’ll be damned if.. Okay. Reel it in, take it easy.

“You’re not alone”

She looks alone though. She’s sitting in my kitchen, completely still except for her shallow breathing, only the kitchen island between us, but she looks like she’s alone. After that much pain and suffering, how can some one even begin to understand what she’s been through? And just like that I’m reminded of what Hydra did to me. I’ve been there. Not like her, I’m afraid that whatever they did to her for how ever long was a lot worse than what I can cross of my list of ‘things I never want to do again’.

“Y/N”

She seems startled at hearing her name, and I make sure to smile at her as best I can when I circle the table.

“You’re not alone anymore”

She looks as if she’s about to say something, but instead she reaches out to me, her hand goes up to my chest before she stops and looks at me. Everything about the look in her eyes screams she wants so connect somehow and as I’ve said, I’m not good at this sort of thing; so I do the only thing I know how to: physical contact. I simply step forward, into her touch and carefully wrap my arms around her shoulders; she leans in hesitantly at first but surrenders eventually and lets me pull her closer.

“Come, you need to sleep”

She wouldn’t move. She’s clinging to me as if she’s afraid I’d disappear on the spot. Can’t say that I blame her. She’s finally made a connection after being held and tortured for fuck knows how long; I wouldn’t want to let go of that either. I just stand there with her in my arms for a little while longer, until I feel the events of the last 24 hours catch up on me. It’s been intense to say the least, and I can’t remember how long I’ve been awake. It’s been longer than 24 hours, come to think of it.

“I’ll take you to bed” I whisper at her, and before she can cling to me more or even do anything else, I’ve hoisted her up in my arms and just carry her to my bedroom. I didn’t expect her to still not let me go when I lowered her on my bed, I gotta hand it to her: she’s got one hell of a grip.

“You want me to stay?”

She nods.

“Okay” I agreed softly, crawling under the covers next to her.

A thought shoots through my mind, something Bruce told me when I was first out of cryo after they figured out how to fix my head. I was so damn needy, especially towards Steve. All I wanted was to be held, nothing sexually or romantic, but I just needed the contact. Bruce told me I was touch deprived. Humans need bodily contact, I’d gone for so long without it, and when some one did touch me it was to hurt me. She must be feeling the same thing, the way her body curls up against me, making sure every part of her is touching a part of me. Again I feel a sense of pride at being the one she needs, though I know that she probably would’ve done the same with Steve if he’d been the one to find her and got her out. She’s fixated on me, Bruce said. Because I’m the first one to help her instead of hurt her in probably a long time. Still, it’s pride I feel when I wrap my arms around her and feel her body relax against my own as she slowly drifts off to sleep.

———

“She’s married?” I can’t believe what I’m hearing. A tiny part of me breaks, knowing now I’ll have to give her up.

Y/N’s still sleeping in my room, she’s been asleep for 12 hours already, while Steve shows me some files he and Natasha were able to dig up.

“Her DNA has been on file since New York happened, her full name is Y/N Jones. She was considered missing, and after two years, presumed dead” Steve continues.

“Wait. She was there for over three fuckin’ years?” my heart drops.

Steve sighs, probably at the use of my language. “That’s what we believe, yeah”

“And her husband?” I barely manage to choke out the word. “Is he alive?”

“He is. We already contacted him, he’s on his way here now”

We’re interrupted by a sharp gasp behind us. Y/N is standing in the doorway of my bedroom, eyes wide and a sheer petrified look on her face.

“Hey, it’s okay” I quickly walk up to her and laid my hands on her shoulders.

She shakes her head frantically.

“It’s not okay?” I ask her with some confusion. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

Her eyes dart from mine to Steve and back to me again.

“Steve?” I call out to him without taking my eyes off her. “Can you give us a minute?”

“Uh- sure.. I’ll just be in the kitchen. Her husband should be here any minute” he answered, taking his leave through the hallway.

She starts trembling violently again, and I could be mistaken, but it seems that every time her husband is mentioned, it frightens her more. Though, maybe that just some sort of sick wishful thinking on my end.

“Is.. is it your husband?”

She nods furiously.

“What did he do to you?”

She opens her mouth to speak, but then the sound of the front door opening interrupts.

“Mr Jones?” I hear Steve ask curtly.

“Yes. You said you have my wife here? Where is she?” A deep voice sounds through the apartment, and Y/N is suddenly freaking out. She stumbles back into my bedroom, eyes even wider than before.

“Y/N, you have to tell me, please. Did he hurt you?” I take a step closer.

She opens her mouth, a shaky whisper falling from her lips. If it wasn’t for the serum, I wouldn’t have heard it, but there’s no mistake. She said ‘Hydra’.

I can nearly feel my eyes go dark with anger.

“Is he the one that hurt you?”

“Yes” her voice is clearer now.

“It wasn’t just him, though; was it?”

“No” she shakes her head and her knees threaten to buckle underneath her. Within a second I’m at her side, holding her up.

“Don’t worry, I wont let him near you” my voice is low and a mere growl, aggression is building up inside me and to be honest, I feel sorry for the poor fucker who’s gonna try to take her away from me.

“Buck?” Steve calls for me, just as I sit Y/N down on the edge of my bed.

She whimpers, still trembling all over and she’s looking at me with huge question marks in her eyes.

“It’s gonna be okay” I whisper, planting a quick kiss on her forehead without thinking of what I’m doing.

“Steve” I shoot back calmly. “I think we need to talk”

“What is it, Buck? Mr Jones is here to take Y/N home” he emerges in front of the door opening with the man who I assume is Mr Jones. I can literally feel Y/N cringe and try to make herself as small as possible.

“No, Steve. He’s not”

“Uh-.. what?” the look on Steve’s face is priceless and my inner sarcasm is cracking up, but there’s no time for that now.

“He’s Hydra. He’s one of many responsible for her torture”

“That’s ridiculous!” The man says, furrowing his brow in mock-confusion. “I’ve looked for her for over a year! I thought she was dead!”

“Bull-fucking-shit” I simply answer. “You’re not taking her. I wont let you lock her up again and torture her only to leave her behind to fucking die when your operation is busted”

“That was a mistake, we didn’t-..” the look of ‘oh fuck me, I screwed this one up’ was incredibly amusing.

“You were saying?” I growled at him, my muscles clenched and tense, ready to lunge at him if he even flinches the wrong way.

But then he tries to run. Dumbass. Steve’s reflexes are impeccable and he has an iron grip on his collar without even trying. He’s pinching the bridge of his nose and releases a long sigh.

“I’m sorry. I should’ve looked into it more” he’s looking at me and than behind me to Y/N, who’s curled up into a little ball of fright at this point. “Truly, Y/N. I’m sorry”

She doesn’t even acknowledge his existence.

“It’s fine, Steve. You couldn’t have known. Can you get that asshole outta here, before I snap his neck?”

“Sure thing, pal” Steve grumbled, pulling roughly on the man’s collar so he’d stumble into him as he gripped is neck. “Do you know Black Widow?” He asked Mr Jones, who was now a shaking mess. “I bet you do. You and I are gonna have a nice chat with her. Although it wont be as nice for you as it’ll be for me”

And then he disappeared, dragging Mr Jones along with him. (we get it Steve, you’re banging Natasha. sheesh) Ok. Brain, where did that come from? Though.. come to think of it..

“Bucky?”

I turned back to Y/N, she seemed a little more relaxed, less small as she sat on the edge of my bed.

“Hey” I smiled at her, kneeling down before her so we would be at eye level. “See? You don’t have to worry about him anymore. He’s gonna be locked up for the rest of his life. We’ll make sure of it”

She released a heavy breath, throwing her arms around my neck and pulling on my tightly.

“Ssh, it’s okay, Y/N” I tried to pull away slightly, wanting to get out of the uncomfortable position on my knees, but again, she wouldn’t budge. I would’ve stayed on my knees for her forever, if I hadn’t agreed to Bruce to bring her back in today to get a full checkup of the actual damage done to her.

“Y/N, sweetheart, I promised Bruce I’d take you to see him today. Do you feel up for that?”

Did I just call her sweetheart? What he fu-.. ok, fine. Rolling with that then.

She nodded weakly, slowly releasing her grip she had on my neck.

“Are you hungry?”

She nodded.

“Okay, I know those protein shakes aren’t so great, but they’ll help. So drink one, and then we’ll go to see Bruce. Yeah?”

“Okay” she answered to my surprise.

If my smile gets any wider it’s gonna split my face.

————

“I have to put this around your arm. Is that okay?” Bruce showed a small smile, approaching Y/N with caution. She wasn’t as jumpy as yesterday, but still very wary of anyone else besides myself. The way she was eyeing the sphygmomanometer Bruce was holding said enough to make Bruce look at me, pleading to help out.

“Y/N, it’s okay. He just wants to check your blood pressure”

She looked at me, and just keeps on breaking my heart with whatever shines behind her eyes. So much pain, it amazes me that she’s still alive after all of this.

“Hey, sweetheart” I take her hand carefully, hoping that the physical contact will put her more at ease. “I promised no one would hurt you, right?”

She nods, her eyes dart back and forth between me and Bruce.

“I’m right here, and he’s not gonna touch you if you don’t want to, but this is important”

Bruce still kept some distance to her, trying to prove my point by not moving towards her without her say so.

“Please?” I smile at her, squeezing her hand softly.

She seemed to contemplate a little longer, but then stuck out her arm towards Bruce, who smiled at her as well, slowly stepping forward.

A few more tests were done, and all of them were done only after she understood completely what was happening and with her consent. She seemed more at ease around Bruce after this; even thanked him when she realised he was trying to help and make sure she was okay.

A fresh bandage was placed around the gaping wound around her ankle, I didn’t think of doing that after the whole shower thing. Should have, though; stupid.

“I just have to talk to Bucky for a moment, okay? I’ll bring him right back, I promise” Bruce smiled and for the first time she let me get further away from her than half a foot.

“You should try to get her to talk about what happened. Steve told me she went missing after New York, but we don’t know for sure if that’s when this all actually happened. And it might help her to talk about it” Bruce said once we were out of earshot.

I look over to where she was still sat on the table, not moving until some one told her to, I supposed. “I don’t know, doc. She’s already making pretty good progress, I’d say. But I don’t want to fuck it up by pushing her too hard”

Bruce narrowed his eyes at me, “Is there more going on here?”

“I- what do you mean?” I know exactly what he meant.

“Are you developing feelings for her?” Bruce clarified simply.

“No- I.. She’s just-.. Yeah. Maybe” I sighed in defeat. “I know she’s just fixated on me, as you said, because I was the one that found her. But.. I just can’t help it”

Bruce took a breath but then smiled. “It’s not a crime to have a crush or fall in love with some one, James. Don’t look so guilty. Just make sure that, if it or anything happens, she knows why and knows how to say no. Because it seems like she’ll say yes to anything you say to her”

That’s some scary shit.

“You think so? I- I mean, she doesn’t have to. I told her that. I told her she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to” I’m rambling. And now isn’t the best time for my brain to short-out and just leave me hanging like this.

“Calm down, James. Take a breath. She’ll come around to talking, and I know you’ll handle it accordingly. Then you’ll both be able to talk about things, and figure out where to go from there” Bruce gave me an encouraging smile and motioned his head towards Y/N, ordering me back to her care.

PART 4:

“O-oh. I’m sorry, I thought you’d still be a while” Steve walked just walked out of the kitchen when we stepped into the apartment, and I could feel Y/N’s hand clench around my fingers.

“I’ll get out of here” he said, rushing to get the overnight bag he apparently packed.

“It’s alright Steve” I smiled at him. “Right? You know Steve wont hurt you” I said as I turned to Y/N.

She looked at me and then at Steve, giving a small nod in agreement.

“But, you’d be more comfortable with just Bucky being here, wouldn’t you?” Steve smiled softly, “It’s okay if you do”

Looking anywhere but at me or Steve, she gave another nod, leaning into my side as if she was trying to climb into my shirt to hide away.

“That’s okay. I’ve been staying with Nat-..” Steve stopped himself, looking like he wanted to slap his own cheek.

I chuckled, “Don’t worry, Captain. Your dirty little secret is safe with me- uh, us”

His cheeks were glowing red, he gave a small nod, mumbling something of a ‘thank you’ before he all but ran out of the apartment.

“Well. He couldn’t get outta here fast enough” I smirked, looking at Y/N as she looked up at me, her arms still tightly wrapped around my waist. “Don’t worry, doll. Nothin’ to do with you”

I could’ve sworn.. Did she just smile at me? It was almost nothing. A ghost of a smile, even. But I could’ve sworn it was there.

I realise I’m staring at here, while we’re just standing in the hallway of the apartment. This is gonna be awkward if you don’t do anything in the next five seconds. Oh, now the snarky comments make an appearance.

“Are you tired?”

She shakes her head.

“Hungry?”

Shakes her head again.

“When was the last time you were actually hungry?”

“I don’t know”

She’s getting faster with her answers, that’s a good sign.

“Alright. It’s been three hours since you last had something. So I’m gonna need you to bare with me here, and have another protein shake, okay? And drink some more water, maybe?”

She nodded and came willingly to the kitchen. Okay, I’m feeding her. Fine. She’s drinking, that’s good.. Now what the hell am I supposed to do with her?

———

“So, I know this might be a difficult question for you; but, um-.. what would you like to do?”

She just finished her protein shake and a glass of water, and she seems like she’s completely full.

If she knew the amount of food I manage to stuff in my mouth every day, she’d probably freak out.

And that thought reminds me that I haven’t eaten anything yet.

“I’m gonna make myself something to eat, you just sit tight for now, okay?”

She nods at me, and again I thought to see the corner of her mouth twitch only slightly. Maybe this is just that wishful thinking again. I can’t help but notice, now that I’m staring at her trying to figure out if she’s smiling or not, that she’s pretty. Not just pretty actually, beautiful. Because of all that’s been happening, I hadn’t had the chance to really look at her like that. Now that I do, I kinda wish I didn’t, because it makes that warmth I feel towards her spread through my body, and it’s releasing some inappropriate thoughts. I turn away from her before she’s able to catch on to the redness that flushed my face; I’m not gonna betray whatever trust she has in me by ogling her.

How did I not notice being so hungry before? I’ve eaten half the food of our -fully- stocked fridge, and I’m still hungry. One thing about the serum that I could definitely do without. Y/N has been waiting for me patiently, but I decide I can’t make her wait for me to finish stuffing the bottomless pit that is my stomach. So, back to the question at hand: what the hell do I do now?

“Hey, so um-..” smooth Barnes, always a great start to an awkward conversation. “Bruce said that you might want to talk about..” Fuck. “That you might want to tell me what happened to you”

She gives me a blank, thousand yard stare. Her mind is somewhere else completely.

“If you don’t.. it’s fine. You don’t have to”

Still nothing. And then my mouth does that thing again, where it moves and makes sounds before my head wraps around what’s happening.

“I was held captive by Hydra too”

That gets her attention. Her eyes widen and her brow furrows.

“They had me for seventy years before I managed to get away”

Her lips part and now she just looks at me like I’ve grown a second head.

“Yes. I’m over a hundred years old. Honestly, I’ve stopped counting. My birthday is kind of a joke” I smile at her, taking away the gravity of my words.

“They froze me in a cryo-chamber. And they let me out when they needed me to..” I take a deep breath, hoping that she’ll still trust me after this. “If they needed me to kill some one. They brainwashed me. Wiped away all my memories by some sort of electro-shock therapy shit. Steve was the only one who could break through it”

She’s just staring at me now, no emotion to read on her face or in her eyes. Not even fear, which I count as a win.

“I’m telling you this, I guess, because I want you to know that I know how cruel they can be” I continued, making an effort of not looking directly into her eyes. “I want you to know that if you want to, you can talk to me”

I can see movement from the corner of my eye, my skin is suddenly riddled with goosebumps when her hand lands on mine. It’s silent for a while as I’m just looking at her, until she weakly squeezes my hand.

“Can we-..” she starts, but seems to be shocked at her own words and she snaps her mouth shut.

“It’s okay, Y/N. Finish your sentence, please. You can ask for anything” I smile at her and move a little closer to ensue just that tiny bit of more bodily contact.

“I-.. I’d like to watch TV” she mutters hesitantly. “I’ve missed it”

I can feel my eyebrows shoot up and a breathless laugh pass my lips.

“I can imagine that. Let me introduce you to the world of Netflix, doll. You’ll love it” I take her hand and pull her off her seat, ignoring the confused look she’s giving me.

She immediately stands as if frozen at the sight of the -ridiculously- huge flatscreen tv hanging on the wall, the large comfy couch right in front of it.

“I know, it’s a bit much. Tony had them installed in all of our apartments”

I motion towards the couch, urging her to take a seat, while I’m already on the hunt for the remote (Steve always seems to know how to make it disappear) After a good five minutes of searching, I found it on the windowsill (for whatever damn reason)

Why does this girl keep breaking my heart?

Instead of taking a seat on the couch, she’s kneeled before it, her head bowed timidly, as if she’s waiting for something; orders maybe?

“Doll..” I walk up to her slowly, kneeling in front of her and taking in the shocked look she bears on her face as I do. “Why are you kneeling?”

“I-.. I don’t.. I’m sorry. I don’t want to upset you” she says shakily.

“You’re not. I promise, you’re not. I’m just trying to understand. Did they make you kneel for them?”

She nods slowly, too scared to dismay me to look at me.

“You don’t have to kneel. For me or anyone else”

She carefully looks up, her eyebrows pulled together in a confused expression. “But.. you own me”

I, what now? For a minute I just stare at her, replaying her words in my head, hoping I didn’t hear them correctly. Bruce was more right that I realised. She’d do anything I say or ask. She actually thinks I own her. Those bastards made her think she’s property, her husband made her think he owns her.

“Y/N, doll. I need you to listen to me, very carefully” I start, hoping my words don’t sound too choked up. “Nobody owns you. Nobody. Not me, not Hydra, not your husband, no one”

“But I-..” she whispers, seemingly not knowing what to do with herself. She’s fidgeting and squirming, and I know I’m breaking down her whole world by trying to get this through to her; I know exactly how it feels, but it needs to be done.

“What they did to you is wrong, Y/N. And they lied to you. They made you believe you were their property, but you’r not. You were their prisoner, but you’re not anyone’s prisoner now”

She snaps her head up at me and gives me that intense stare that make shivers roll down my spine.

“So.. I could leave?”

There goes my heart again.

“I-.. Yes. You could leave” my voice falters and I’m only whispering now. “Do you want to leave?”

It’s quiet for a moment and she’s still looking at me with those intense eyes. It’s enough to make me uncomfortable, but I can’t look away.

“No” she whispers. “I don’t want to leave”

I have to bite back the huge grin that threatens to break through, and I’m doing a half-ass job at it.

“Good. Because I’d like you to stay”

There it is. She smiles. It’s small; tiny even. But now I definitely know it’s there and I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in my entire life.

God, you’re such a pussy. Yeah. I just called myself a pussy in my own mind.

“Now, please. Lets sit on the damn couch so we can watch TV all day. It’s been way too long since I’ve had the opportunity to do that”

A quick nod and with a little help, she stands to her feet, evidently more relaxed as she lets herself sink into the fluffy cushions of the couch. There is nothing better than this damn couch (except maybe my bed, but that comes without the huge TV)

“Better?”

She nods with another faint smile.

I’m gonna make sure she does that more, even though it’s thoroughly fucking me up in very way possible.

We must have fallen asleep watching.. I can’t even remember. The TV’s switched off on auto-stand by and the room is dark. Y/N is sleeping beside me, the couch is wide enough to fit both of us next to each other, her head resting on my chest. She looks peaceful, which surprises me. Maybe her mind hasn’t processed everything yet, but I know what will happen when it does. And when the nightmares come, I’ll make damn sure I’ll be there.

———

The progress is slow, but it’s progress nonetheless. I can often see her fight the urge to kneel in situations unknown to her. The first time I cooked for her, something solid for a change, she looked at the plate, completely puzzled. I don’t know what Hydra fed her, she hasn’t told me anything yet in the two weeks of her being here. But I know they didn’t let her eat herself. She looked at me and her knees buckled slightly, but I prevented her from sinking down and sat her down on one of the barstools at the kitchen island. Steve was there, and I had to hold back a scowl at the horrified look on his face as he watched her. I told him and Bruce about how she thought that I owned her, she was sleeping at the time, and Bruce thought I might be because I was the one to refuse her husband to go near her. I was the dominant presence in that situation, and that must’ve triggered her into believing I was her new owner. As if she was an animal; a pet to play with when they felt like it.

After a few days of interrogation by Natasha and Steve, they found out Mr Jones was the head of operations at that Hydra base. We’re only assuming as of now, but we figured that he only took her out of that tiny cell to have her on her knees and do.. whatever unspeakable things he had her do.

But even after all she’s been through, the progress is certainly there. Having her eat on her own, and it being solid food, was evidently a big step for her. She was exhausted afterwards, and it was a waiting game to see if she’d keep it down, but she pushed through it. I’m convinced I’ve never met anyone as strong as her. She seems fragile, and to say that she’s impressionable is an understatement; but she’s working hard. She hasn’t said no to anything I’ve proposed yet, and I can’t tell if it’s still her feeling like I own her, or if she just trusts me not to push her too far.

God, I hope it’s trust.

The notion on itself makes me sick. I know what it feels like to be owned, to be pulled out only when you’re wanted and never when you want to. To be treated like that, like an animal, messes one up more than any other form of torture could ever do. Wounds heal, like hers did beautifully; but when your mind is taken apart and put back together all wrong.. that’s hard to undo.

The nightmares begin in the third week of her stay. Steve is still sleeping over at Natasha’s apartment one floor up, the whole team now aware of their relationship, and even they heard the blood curdling screams she emitted before I was able to wake her up. 

She’s tossing and turning, mumbling in her sleep. I’m a light sleeper, and used to her not moving at all when she sleeps. So when she rolls over, I’m wide awake. The look of distress on her face is a familiar one. It’s the same look I always caught myself with when I’d jerked awake after a nightmare and had to run to the bathroom to vomit; a physical reaction to mental pain, Bruce called that.

I know I shouldn’t wake her yet. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do (while in my right mind) just waiting for her to be deep into the horror to make her deal with it. The pained expression on her face is something I never want to see again, but I know damn well that I’ll be seeing it a lot in the next couple of weeks; maybe even months.

Her whimpers become louder and more desperate, and before I know it, she’s screaming. Her hands reach upwards, as if she’s trying to shield herself from something. I take that as my cue and grab her wrists, careful not to bruise her in my grip.

“Y/N, wake up” I try to reach her through her screaming, but she’s in a deep sleep.

“Y/N, sweetheart, come on, come back to me. It’s only a nightmare” I raise my voice slightly.

She’s still screaming, and the sound rips through me. She’s gonna feel her throat in the morning.

“Y/N! Wake up!” I yelled and her eyes spur open.

She looks around, instantly panicking because she can’t move her arms. I anticipated that one, but she could hurt herself if I let her go, so I hold a firm grip on her.

“Y/N, calm down, it’s me; Bucky” my voice is steady and calm.

She’s breathing heavily, her chest heaving when her eyes finally connect with mine.

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re safe. I’m here, you’re safe” I whisper at her as her muscles unclench slowly and I release my grip on her.

“Bucky?” She squints her eyes slightly, as if she doesn’t believe it’s me.

“I’m here, doll. It’s okay. You had a nightmare”

“I had a-..” she trails off and suddenly lunges herself into my arms.

“Sshh, sweetheart. It’s okay, you’re okay. You’re safe” I keep repeating those words, knowing that she needs to hear them, over and over.

She’s crying, uncontrolled, thick tears rolling down her cheeks and she’s absolutely tearing me apart with the broken sounds coming from her.

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

She shakes her head furiously as she clings to me, her grip on me tightening.

“Okay, sweetheart. You don’t have to, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do”

Her heavy breathing gradually slows, her heartbeat goes steady again and I can no longer feel it hammering against my own chest. I remind myself to maybe wear a shirt to bed, because her nails are digging into my skin where she’s holding on to me. Though, I can’t say that I mind. If this is what she needs to calm herself, I’d let her scratch me all over. (and there goes my dirty mind again. Such filth in such a delicate situation; shame on me)

“Come on, doll, lay down”

“Bucky.. I don’t wanna go back to sleep” she whispers shakily, looking at me with large pleading eyes.

“Y/N, you need to rest..”

“Please, I don’t want to see him again” another tear escapes her eye and I’m just gone.

Him? Her husband?

“Alright sweetheart. You wanna go and watch TV for a bit? We can go back to sleep later”

“Yes, please” her voice is so small, so broken. As usual I feel anger bubble up inside me, wishing I could get my hands on her (EX!) husband’s neck and just squeeze. The thought alone is so pleasing that it actually calms me down.

“C’mon, lets go” I pull on sweatpants, leaving the thought of a shirt alone because it’s pretty humid in the apartment.

For a moment I have to stop and silently thank Natasha for her little shopping trip to buy Y/N more clothes to wear. She’s wearing sweatshorts, that really don’t cover all that much and a loose t-shirt that falls off her shoulder every now and then. I’ve come to terms with how I feel about her, and I let myself look at her lustfully sometimes, just to indulge myself and entertain a few fantasies of what we could be doing if and when I’m absolutely sure that she’s doing it of her own volition.

Well. That’s what I hope for.

It’s late, or early, depends on how you look at it. 4 in the morning, and we’re sprawled out on the couch, comfortable and snuggled up against each other. She’s holding on to me tighter than she usually does when we’re like this, still shaken by her nightmare. The TV mumbles away softly, I can’t even register what’s playing.

“It was Carson” she suddenly whispers, only just loud enough to be heard over the sound coming from the TV.

“Carson?” I haven’t heard that name before.

“My husband- ex husband. He took me out of my cell” she continued hoarsely, she’s crying.

My grip on her gets tighter subconsciously.

“He made me do things..” her voice falters, and I’m about to tell her that she doesn’t have to tell me anything, even though I want her to get it out, when she keeps talking.

“I never got to wear clothes”

She’s speaking in slow, hushed sentences. As if she’s naming random facts about the weather.

“I only got to walk from my cell to where he was”

Oh god..

“He always wanted me on my knees, to be a.. good girl”

No. No no no.

“When I wasn’t, I got punished”

I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

“He’d always think of new ways to punish me”

“Y/N..” my voice breaks, I can feel tears roll down my cheeks. “I’m so sorry”

There’s some shifting as she turns in my hold, burying her face in my chest, the wetness of her tears smearing over my skin.

“You saved me”

No. No, I didn’t. I just found you. I was too late to save you.

PART 5:

The nightmares keep her up most nights. They keep me up most nights. I don’t mind though, it’s just a little more time I get to spend with her. She’s still quite shy around others, Steve and Bruce the least, but she talks to me now. Mostly after she’s had a nightmare, late at night (or early in the morning) and most of it sounds like she’s drumming up random facts. But it still provides some insight to her time being held captive by Hydra. By now I’ve figured that she’s been there since she went missing after New York was attacked by goddamn aliens. Jones probably saw that as a good cover to make her disappear. And it was. Nobody even had a second thought about her disappearance. And that asshole played the role of the worrying husband, afterwards the grieving husband, so well.

Every time she tells me something I think it’s gonna be the worst thing he did to her; but every time she manages to shock me with another horrible fact that makes me cringe. I know he physically and emotionally abused her to extents I’d never want to repeat or even think about again. But she needs me to be strong, so I am. Or I pretend to be. Still she clings to me like a life line, like I’m the only thing keeping her safe and sane. And I have absolutely no problem with being that for her, the past few weeks made me feel like I mean something to some one; like I matter. Not just as an asset, like I was with Hydra. Or an Avenger; but as a human being. She made me feel human again.

After the second week of being up almost all night and sleeping through most of the morning, we’re both beginning to feel the effects of it. I’m a bit cranky myself, but I make sure she doesn’t notice all that much. I told her I was just tired and wanted to take a nap on the couch; as I hoped, she joined me. I haven’t been on a mission since she got here, Steve understands what needs to be done here and gave me no shit about it, but I’ve noticed he’s beginning to notice the effects of one less Avenger on the team. I know his demand is coming, and I just want to make the most of having all of my time for Y/N while I still can. And I’m gonna have to use that time to ease her in to the idea of me not being here all the time.

“Are you comfortable?”

She sighs a response, cuddling up to me a bit more.

I can’t help but chuckle at her movements, she’s already pressed up against me as close as possible, but she tries to close that millimetre distance between us nonetheless. The blissful motion makes her ass rub up against my crotch and I can feel my body stir with it. Because she’s been eating normally and regularly again, she’s gained some much needed weight. Her body is less fragile and she seems much stronger for it. We’ve been training a bit too, just normal cardio and some weight lifting, to get her muscles to remember what they’re supposed to be doing instead of just kneeling and… yeah. I can’t think about that.

Burying my face in her hair, inhaling the sweet scent of flowers and honey, I try to mock up the courage to break the news to her.

“Y/N”

“Yes?” she mumbles, slowly drifting off to sleep. I fucking love her sleepy voice, it’s so cute, it always just makes me want to kiss her and make her talk like that to me more.

“It’s been a while since I went on a mission”

She stays quiet to let me finish, but I can feel her body twitch a little.

“I’m gonna have to start going back to work soon”

Silence. For a while. Then she takes a deep breath and I can feel her body tense against me.

“I understand” she whispers. “I know you can’t babysit me forever”

“I’m not babysitting you, doll. I’m keeping you company while you get back on your feet”

“Yeah. Back on my feet..” she repeats as her voice trails off slightly.

“Y/N. You do realise that you can stay here as long as you want, right? You can stay here forever if you want to”

“I’ve been here for weeks already, Bucky” she sighs.

“Yes. Yes, you have. And I enjoy having you here. I-.. I’d like you to..” fuck. If I tell her I want her to stay, I’ll never know if she says yes just to please me or if she really wants to.

“What do you want, Y/N?”

She turns in my arms to face me, the intensity in her eyes never faltering when she looks at me.

“What do I want from what?”

Goddamnit, that’s not an answer.

“What do you want in general. Do you want to stay with us? With me? Do you want to get a job when you’re recovered? Because you don’t have to, by the way. Do you want to.. leave?”

She’s looking at me with raised eyebrows, I did ask a lot of questions at once.

“I-.. um. Don’t know”

I stifle a sigh for her sake, “It’s okay, you don’t have to know. You still have a long way to go, no point in thinking about those things; you should focus on getting better”

She shows a small, relieved smile and nuzzles her face in the crook of my neck, making my heartbeat speed up and stutter.

“I want you to know, Y/N; you’re doing so well. You’re very strong”

She scoffs, surprising me yet again. She hasn’t done that yet. It’s sarcastic and bitter, but it’s new and it might be a little more insight in her personality. Not the complying, crawling mess Hydra left her with; but just her.

“I’m not so sure about that” she mumbles.

“What do you mean?”

“During the attack on New York, Carson took me away from the city; to keep me safe, he said. I just went with him, thinking it was the obvious choice. But he took me to that facility and locked me up”

She takes a shaky breath while I have to control my anger, yet again.

“I cried for what I feel like was days. I begged him to let me out, and he just said that if I wanted to get out, I had to do as he said and be a good girl”

I think I might make Carson Jones be a good boy if I hear more of this.. A good boy with my metal hand around his throat.

“So I obeyed. I crawled and let him humiliate me in front of everyone. I let him share me, I let him hit me when I didn’t do exactly as he wanted. I was weak”

“No!” my voice is louder than I intended, she’s startled. “No, Y/N” I whisper quickly, gently stroking her hair apologetically for my harshness. “You weren’t weak. You did what you had to do to survive”

“I should have said no”

“You would’ve been killed”

“That would’ve been the consequence, yes”

“So, you did what you had to do, Y/N”

“I hate myself for doing the things he made me do. I should’ve said no”

The reality of her words sink in.

“Are you saying you should have let him kill you?”

“Yes”

There she goes and breaks my heart again. Harder this time. Shattered completely.

“Y/N.. doll.. Please don’t ever say that again” I whisper and feel my eyes burning with unshed tears.

“Why?” she looks up at me, her expression stoic but wondering.

Because I fucking love you and you keep tearing me apart and you don’t even fucking know it.

“Because it’s bullshit. You went through hell and came out on the other side, and it fucking sucks right now, I know that. You know that I know. But I promise you, it will get better. You might not ever forgive and forget, but you will move on. I’m gonna see to it that you damn well will”

I hadn’t noticed myself leaning in closer during my little peptalk. My forehead rests against hers, her eyes are closed, a single tear escaped and rolls down her cheekbone to her temple. She’s so close, her lips are so close. All I want is to feel them against mine, try out if they’re as soft as I imagine them to be. In a moment of what I guess counts as some kind of glitch in my brain’s wiring, I lean in closer, brushing my lips against hers. Her breath fans over my face gently, making me have to do my absolute best to stifle a shiver going down my spine. Our mouthes dance for a few blissful seconds, warmth and excitement enveloping us in our own world.

Bubbles are fragile and they pop easily and they fucking suck.

“Hey Buck! Where are you?” Steve’s voice chimes through the apartment.

“We’re over here, Steve” I grumbled, pulling away from Y/N, noticing a look of what I kind of hope is disappointment in her eyes.

“Oh, hey” Steve says with a small smile towards Y/N. He’s not surprised at how close we are to each other.

“Hi Steve” she says softly, still a bit shy around him.

“Buck, I need to talk to you for a minute”

“Yeah, ok” I tear myself away from her, immediately missing her warmth.

The demand came a bit sooner than I expected.

“Look, I know you’re taking care of Y/N” Steve starts when we’re out of earshot. “And you’re really helping her, we can all see that. I’m- I’m really proud of you” he smiles, and I know what he means by it. He was worried when I was in the position Y/N is in right now. It took me a while, but with his help I got out of it; but not without putting him through some tough times first.

“But we need you back in the field” he continues, his smile turning apologetic, and for some reason I’ve always hated that look on his face. Probably has something to do with the fact that I always felt like Steve has never done anything to apologise for. And he still hasn’t.

“I know. I was hoping to have more time-.. I understand, Stevie. Don’t give me those fuckin’ puppy dog eyes”

“Bucky” Steve sighed excessively. “Could you at least try to mind the swearing?”

“Hell fuckin’ no”

“I thought so” Steve shook his head lightly. “I need you on a mission tomorrow. Moving out at 08:00hrs”

“Eight in the goddamn morning? You’re really throwing me back in there, huh?”

Steve smirked. “You’ll live. It’s nothing too lengthy. We’ll probably be back before nightfall”

I rolled my eyes and grumbled a response, telling him to go jump back into bed with Romanoff, ignoring the redness the comment drew out on his cheeks.

I found Y/N still on the couch, trying to fight off sleep.

“Hey, doll” I whispered softly, trying not to startle her.

She acknowledged me with a small smile. The slight curl of her lips reminded me of what was happening- or about to happen- before Steve rudely interrupted us. The moment passed quickly when I saw the look in her eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

“You have to leave; don’t you?” she whispered hoarsely.

I sighed and sat down slowly, reaching my metal hand up to her face, stroking some stray hairs behind her ear.

“Yeah. Mission tomorrow..” I drawled, somehow unable to look away from her.

She nodded slowly, the fear in her eyes pooling into tears.

“You’ll be okay, doll. I’ll be back before you know it” I smiled softly, hoping to reassure her. “I can ask Bruce to stay with you if you like?”

She furrowed her brow slightly and shook her head. “No, he’s always so busy. I don’t want to keep him from his work”

I wanted to argue, say that she wouldn’t be a bother, but this was good. She seemed to accepting the fact that she’d be alone for the day.

“It’s only one day, sweetheart. Steve said we’ll be back before dinner”

She smiled at that. I know she enjoys having dinner together, I guess it makes her feel somewhat normal.

“Okay?” I smiled at her a little wider.

“Okay” she smiled back, hesitantly, but a smile nonetheless.

———

“Buck, she’s probably fine. Didn’t you say she had a nightmare last night? She’s probably sleeping” Steve tried to assure me, but I had this feeling in my gut that told me otherwise. And my gut has not been wrong yet.

“I told her to check in, Steve. To text me. She knows how, and she hasn’t even responded to my texts or even picked up the phone when I called” my foot is bouncing, my knee moving up and down nervously as we approach the compound way too slowly for my taste.

Steve sighed, knowing he wouldn’t be able to say anything to get my mind off her, until I knew for sure she was safe. Bruce was no help. I tried calling him, but the call went straight to voicemail. He was never good at charging his phone; always forgetting where it was when he buried himself in work.

Finally, after what seemed like hours -it was only ten minutes- the jet touched down, and I scrambled out of there without another word to anyone, running up to the apartment where I’d hopefully find her sleeping like Steve suggested.

Steve was wrong.

“Y/N?” I called out to her when I almost broke down the door while opening it.

Nothing.

“Y/N? Doll, where are you?” I looked around, circling the massive couch, finding it empty.

I moved to my bedroom next, finding that empty as well. It was made, unruffled. I check the kitchen again, even though I passed through it on my way to the living room, finding that empty as well. A panic starts to settle in my mind, where the hell is she? Did she leave? Was she taken?

A small whimper snapped me out of my frantic thoughts, triggering my mind into instant focus. Did that come from my bedroom? I just came from there..

I followed the sound, finding that it lead me to my closet. I’m biting my lip furiously when I open the door carefully, my heart shattering once again when I find her on the floor, knees bent up to her chest, shaking violently.

“Shit.. Y/N?”

She looks up at me with tear stained eyes, the only time I’ve seen her this scared was when I first found her. Her lips part as if she’s trying to speak, but whatever she’s trying to say drowns in a broken sob.

“Oh, sweetheart” I breathe out and drop to my knees before her. My arms are wrapped around her in the blink of an eye, I’m not even giving her a chance to protest or be shocked. Picking her up off the floor, I slowly sit down on the edge of the bed placing her on my lap as she keeps sobbing.

“Sshh, Y/N, it’s okay, I’ve got you. I’ve got you, baby, you’re safe”

She cries softly, “I’m sorry- Bucky, I’m s-so sorry. I tried, I- I really did. I’m so sorry”

“I know you did, baby, don’t be sorry. It’s okay, you’re okay”

What the hell went wrong? What did I do wrong? I thought she was ready.. God, I fucked up. I never should have left her.

“I’m sorry, baby” I gently kiss her cheek, nuzzling my nose against her temple. “I’m so sorry, I never should’ve left you alone so soon” I kiss her cheek again, and again, then her jaw, her temple, her cheek again. My hand threads through her hair on the back of her head, as she curls into my embrace, surrendering to my touch. The shaking lessens, and eventually stops after a few minutes.

“It’s not your fault, Bucky” she whispers after a while.

I squeeze my eyes shut, opting not to argue with her right now; because it is my fault. I left her alone when she wasn’t ready.

“How long have you been in there?”

“I- I’m not sure. I was okay when you left..” she starts slowly. “I was okay for a few hours. I was just watching TV when something came on that reminded me of- him”

She takes a deep breath before continuing; “I couldn’t breathe.. I don’t know why but the closet seemed safe..”

Oh, how I recognise this. It’s like hearing my own damn story.

“You had a panic attack, sweetheart” I murmured softly, my lips pressed against her hair. “it’s only logical for you to seek out a place that seems familiar. Sadly, in your case, that’s a confined space like my wardrobe”

It dawns on me that she said she was fine before something triggered her. She was fine before something she saw- or heard- made her think of Jones.

“You- you said you were fine before?”

She nods slowly. “Yeah. I was nervous, but otherwise okay. I knew you’d be back in a few hours..”

I smiled, and couldn’t stifle a soft laugh of pure happiness.

“God, baby, you’re doing so well” I murmured. My brain keeps reminding me that I keep calling her ‘baby’ but I pay it no mind for now.

She looks up at me with a small smile, her body relaxes slightly. I’ve noticed that happens when I praise her. She’s always reassured when I tell her that she’s doing good. I figure it’s remnants of her knowing she wont be punished when she’s told she’s being good. What a disgusting fact I just realised. I hope she’ll come to associate it with something good; compliments to be complimented. Instead of the relief of not being beaten or kicked or.. still can’t think about that.

“Are you okay now?”

“Yes. Now that you’re here”

PART 6:

I yelled out the shock and frustration of finding Y/N in my closet at Steve. I didn’t mean to, really. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. And he understood. He let me yell at him and curse at him for a good five minutes, until I got it all out of my system. After, he just smiled and said he was proud of me for handling Y/N the way I did. I’d never admit it to anyone else, but some tears were shed. I love that punk to death and I’m an asshole.

“Bucky? Where are you?”

Her voice sounds calm; which is new, seeing she just woke up, and usually panics when I’m not next to her.

“I’m in the kitchen, doll. You hungry?”

She emerges from the hallway, her hair tousled from sleep and streaks from the pillow that was pressed against her cheek still showing as indents in her skin.

“No, not yet” she smiles. Widely. Like a ray of goddamn sunshine walking in here, smiling at me, and utterly turning me into a pathetic ogling mess. I’ve never seen her smile like that before and she catches me completely off guard with that blinding curl of her lips.

“Are you okay?” she asks, her smile fading into a look of concern.

Um. Am I okay? That’s a good question if I’ve ever heard one. I should probably check if my heart is still beating; or if I haven’t forgotten how to breathe. It seems to be fine, though. I’m still standing. Everything seems to work as it’s supposed to, even though my mind is drawing a complete fucking blank when I try to answer her question.

“I- um. You-.. yeah. I’m- I’m good”

Wow, Barnes. Real smooth.

“You seem- better”

She smiles again. Oh god. I’m not sure my heart will be able to handle another one of those looks.

“I feel good, well, at least better than usual, I guess” she says as she takes a seat on one of the barstools at the kitchen island. “I slept through the night without a nightmare. Or if I did have one, I don’t remember”

“You were pretty still all night as far as I know” I smiled weakly at her. I can’t control a single muscle in my body as I walk over to her and wrap my arms around her in a tight embrace. She immediately responds by wrapping her arms around my neck, sighing contently as she nuzzles her face into my hair (which is getting way too long)

“Before I forget” I release her just a little, remembering Bruce coming by earlier. “Bruce left a huge stack of books behind for you. You know what that’s about?”

“Oh” she blushes slightly, that’s new too. “Yeah, he asked me how I was coping after the last time you had to leave on a mission. And I told him about what happened. He said he’d do some research for books I could read instead of watch TV all day”

She told Bruce? I hadn’t realised she was getting so close with him; and why the fuck am I feeling jealous about this? This is good, it’s progress. She’s talking to some one other than myself, it’s good; no, actually, it’s great. I know it is.

Then why do you want to keep her all to yourself and pounce anyone who comes within five feet of her to next Sunday?

Well, fuck.

“Oh- right” the word comes out as a breathy whisper. “That’s good- that you’re.. um, talking to Bruce. And it’s nice of him to bring you something to keep you occupied for whenever I’m gone”

I’ve never had to push myself to say something nice so hard. I like Bruce, he’s a great guy, he’s really, really great. But somehow, a sort of primal instinct is trying to take over and it sees him as a threat. My arms are still wrapped around her waist, hers still around my neck. For a minute I indulge my fantasies about how her lips would feel in a real kiss, a passionate kiss. One I’m itching to plant on her, right this second. It hasn’t repeated itself, what happened a few days ago. Our lips barely touching, but definitely moving intimately against and towards one another. I wonder what would’ve happened if Steve hadn’t walked in. I wonder if she wonders the same thing. Her eyes travel over my face, pausing to look into my eyes, then they flicker to my lips for only a few seconds.

Did I just imagine that? Or was that a look of desire I caught when she focused back on my gaze again?

Just kiss her already. This is getting boring.

Should I though? She still hasn’t really said no to anything I’ve asked of her. Sure, she’s said no to suggestions, but only so she believed she’d be less trouble for anyone. But I want her, I want her so fucking bad.

I have never been so grateful for goddamn cock-blocking Steve.

The front door opens, and I slowly release her, feeling her pull on me slightly, like she doesn’t want me to let go.

“What is it, sweetheart?” I hear myself ask her, as if I don’t know what the hell is going on.

“I-.. I just want you to hold me a little longer before you go”

Oh.

I love this woman. I fucking love this woman and I wish I could just tell her.

“Okay, baby. I got you” I mumble instead of the proclamation of love that’s still dancing around on the tip of my tongue.

“Hey guys” Steve says softly when he walks in, still not surprised at finding us like this. He was a bit puzzled the first time he caught us snuggled up close on the couch, but he soon understood what was happening; recognising her behaviour as my own when I first came out of cryo.

“Hi Steve” her voice sounded muffled against my chest, causing Steve to chuckle lightly.

“Are you ready to move out, Buck?”

“Almost” I mumbled, carding my fingers through Y/N’s hair absentmindedly, resting my head atop hers.

Steve rummaged around in his bedroom for a minute, to emerge after with a dufflebag. “Five minutes, Buck. I’ll see you at the jet”

“Sure, pal” I answered, pulling Y/N even closer than she already was. Her body flush against mine, and I felt her legs wrap around my thighs, just to get that little bit of extra contact out of it.

“You gonna be okay while I’m gone, baby?” I murmured, nosing against her cheek gently, not really knowing what I was doing at the time.

She hummed in agreement, she was gonna be fine.

“I just don’t want you to go” she suddenly mumbled. “Not because of last time, or because I’m afraid of a panic attack; I don’t think it’ll happen again. At least not today. But, I just-.. I miss you when you’re gone”

Ever since she first opened up to me, she’s been so honest about everything. Blatantly honest. And I absolutely love it; but this… this is pushing it too far. Such an intimate admission, right before I’m supposed to leave for a whole day; when I know I’m gonna miss her as soon as I walk through that damn door. I can’t hold back anymore. Her face is between my palms before I know what I’m doing, and my lips are on hers before I can even begin to understand what the rational part of my mind is trying to tell me: what the hell are you doing?! This is what you’ve been trying to prevent from happening for weeks, you idiot!

I might be an idiot, but fuck it, I love this woman; and I’ll be damned if I let her slip away from me before I can tell her that I do. Besides; her lips move against mine as if she’s been waiting for this as long as I have. This is right; it feels right. It just feels soft, gentle; and absolutely wonderful.

Enter: cockblocking Steve through text message.

God-fucking-damnit.

We break away slowly and fall into soft giggles between each other.

“Sorry about that, doll. I have to go”

“I know” she smiles softly. “Please, be careful”

“Always”

———

I wasn’t that careful.

It should’ve been a simple mission, really. And it seemed like it was at first. A warehouse, some intel we needed for raiding the next Hydra base, Steve, myself and Romanoff on site. Simple.

Until we burst through the boarded up doors and found that the warehouse wasn’t abandoned as we thought it to be. A lot of shooting, punching and too many close calls later, we found ourselves on our way back, battered, bruised and empty handed. The fuckers managed to destroy every single piece of data before we got to it. So, overall, not a very productive day; and a bullet through my right arm for fuckin’ nothin’.

“Doll? Where are you?” I called out when I -finally- walked through the door of the apartment. Bruce patched us all up, after a lecture of course; after which Natasha and Steve retreated to Nat’s apartment, probably to fuck the stress out.

“Hey Bucky” Y/N’s soft, silky voice chimes from the bedroom before she walks out to meet me. Her smile morphs into shock when she sees the bandage on my arm and the bruises on my face.

“Oh my god” she mumbles and runs over to me. “Are you okay? What happened! What the.. were you shot?!” she rambles as she looks me over, and all I can think about it kissing her beautiful, concerned lips. And that’s exactly what happens next. I pull her to me with my left arm, her lips to mine gently and slow.

“Oh” she gasps when I pull back slowly, and for a second I’m afraid I overstepped. But she smiles sweetly, and reaches up to press another kiss to my lips. After, she tries to pull away, but I can’t let her just yet. She’s not the only one who needs the physical contact tonight; after a day like this, I need her close. As close as she’ll allow.

“Please. Not yet” I mumble as I pull her into my embrace, burying my face in the crook of her neck.

“You need a shower” she murmurs, her hands sliding up and down my back and I hate the fact that I can barely feel it through the leather of my combat suit.

“I really do, huh?” I chuckle lightly, I honestly don’t even smell myself anymore, but the sweat and blood mixed together must stink up something fierce.

“Come on, Bucky” she pulls away and laces her fingers through my metal ones. “Let me take care of you for once”

She leads me to the bathroom, where she immediately turns on the water, letting it run hot causing the room to fog up with thick white steam. I’m caught off guard when she refuses to let me undress myself and begins to unbuckle the many straps of my uniform. I hadn’t thought of how I was gonna pull that off myself with just one arm- sure, the serum makes me heal faster, but a bullet wound still doesn’t disappear over night- but I didn’t think it’d turn out to this either. All I can do is watch her as she works around my wounds, easily sliding off my jacket without even touching the bandage around my upper arm. Without hesitation she pulls on my belt, pulling it from the loops of my pants before she pops the button, only to stop and bend down to untie my shoes.

“Sweetheart, you don’t have to-..” the sight of her on her knees makes my heart ache, but she stops me and smiles.

“I know, Bucky. I want to”

“I-.. okay” I give in and let her undress me further; my pants sliding down my legs before I know it.

God, this is some hot shit.

Yeah. Yeah, it is really hot, but I can’t think about that right now. She’s not ready for anything like that, I can see it in her eyes. She just wants to help, the way I helped her when she first got here. So I will myself, and a certain part of my body, to stop getting all excited over her touching me like this, so careful and sweet, so fucking gentle. I want her; more than anything. But I’m a patient man, if anything. And even if we’ve made a step towards that direction, I’m not gonna be the one to push her that way. She’s gonna have to be the one to instigate, and I’ll have to be sure she wants it. That she really wants it.

Keeping my mind off anything sexual becomes particularly hard (pun intended) when she doesn’t hesitate to pull my boxers down and looks up at me expectantly, wanting me to step out of them. For a moment I’m staring at her, dull of disbelief and awe, but I comply quickly before it becomes uncomfortable.

“I’ll take your gear” she whispers, picking up the pile of clothes as she smiles at me. “You go ahead and take a long shower. I think you’ve earned it” after those words she kisses my cheek, close to the corner of my mouth and leaves me smiling and staring after her when she exits the bathroom.

I am fucking head over heels for this woman. But her tentativeness left my body humming with excitement and as much as I want it to, my cock just wont stop twitching. When the hot water hits my skin the dam finally seems to break and I feel the blood rushing down, hardening my length as I try to focus on anything else. Sadly, with no avail. One grasp and one stroke already tell me this isn’t gonna last long. Then she crosses my mind, barely clothed, sleeping up close to me in my bed; I’m instantly throbbing. God, this is wrong. But it feels so damn good. The thought of her as my fingers- barely- close around my cock (another side-effect of the serum) helps things along very quickly and it only takes a few more strokes for me to spill all the pent up, sexual tension that’s been building up ever since I noticed how beautiful and kind she is. How she opens up to me, how she needs me; it’s healing whatever was still broken in my mind. I’m less forgetful, the nightmares have completely stopped. They were already less frequent, sure; but I can’t remember the last time I woke up because of a nightmare of my own.

I love her, and I wish I could just goddamn tell her.

I hold her tighter than I’ve ever done that night. I’m sure she must notice, but she doesn’t seem to mind it at all. Her body curls up against mine and it seems to be a perfect fit. I’m not sure if that’s just my over-infatuated mind making everything about her look and feel perfect; but I can’t find it in me to care that much.

———

The next few days missions are taken over by Tony, Rhodey and Sam. Steve wanted to go, somehow he’s always itching for another assignment, but Bruce and Natasha forbid it. I’m sure Natasha will find another way to occupy his time.

My time is completely spent on Y/N. After last night’s shower she refreshed my bandages before we crashed, and slept through the night without any disturbance. When I woke up this morning- a bit too early for my taste, the sun was barely setting- I found her still curled up to me, a small content smile on her lips. As cheesy as it sounds, every time I look at her she looks even more beautiful and it just takes my breath away; but this.. this turned me on. What kind of sick son of a bitch would get turned on by a woman just sleeping sweetly? That just seems weird to me. But, here we are. My hormones don’t settle for another half hour, also due to her stirring softly and snuggling up to me closer. Her leg grazes my crotch and I’m completely, utterly, fucking gone. A strangled moan makes it way up my throat and after that I lie still, afraid that she might have heard and wakes up. But she doesn’t. She’s still contently sleeping, ever so closely.

An hour of me just- creepily- staring at her passes before she releases the cutest little whine and her eyes flutter open.

“Hey” she smiles, her voice still groggy with sleep.

“Hey beautiful” I smile back at her, making her blush. I love pulling that reaction from her; gonna have to make sure I do that more often.

We stayed in bed for another hour; the moment she pressed a kiss on my lips, I was done for. I wanted to keep her there forever. Our bodies close, sharing body heat in my chilly bedroom beneath warm covers. The rain tapping against my window made for a serene air around us. One whole blissful hour of her lips on mine, her hands exploring my body lazily as mine did hers. This new possessive nature I’m discovering has to stop. All I want to do is keep her close, keep her from everything else and have her all to myself. But isn’t that exactly what Carson -fucking- Jones did to her? Locked her away to have her all to himself, just knowing that he could drag her out of there whenever he wanted to.. He even shared her with others. Others may see that as less possessive, but it’s the ultimate display of power. He made sure she knew that he got to decide what happened to her, and with whom. The thought makes me break away from her, I’m leaning in still, my forehead resting against hers.

“I really want you to know that I care about you a lot, Y/N”

She searches my eyes and smiles. “I know, Bucky. I care a lot about you too”

That pulls a smile to my lips, “I also want you to know that I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to. I know I’ve said this a million times before, but I just want you to understand that I’m not looking to own you. I just want you with me, for as long as you want to stay”

She takes a moment to think, maybe assess the way she wants to retort to what I just told her.

“You’re afraid you’re pushing me into something I don’t want” she says matter-of-factly.

“I-..” I take a deep breath. “Yeah. I am. Am I? Pushing you, I mean”

You were never good at this, Barnes. You’re still shit at talking to women about anything other than how beautiful you find them.

Yeah. No arguing with that.

“You’re not pushing me. I was surprised when you kissed me, but pleasantly surprised. I didn’t know you felt that way about me”

I scoff lightly, “Really, doll? It wasn’t as obvious as I thought it was?”

She shakes her head. “I thought you were just trying to help me. I know I was needy and clingy, I still am..” she takes a breath.

“Hey” I make her look up at me and I make sure I’m wearing a smile when she does. “I like it that you need me. It- it helps me too, you know”

She raises her eyebrows at that. “It does?”

“Yeah. I mean-..” oh god. Talking about my own feelings. If there ever was a stereotype male who doesn’t talk about feelings; I’m right here. But with her I know I have to push through, she needs to know. “you make me feel like I’m good for things other than kicking ass and shooting up warehouses”

Tears are brimming at her eyelids, she’s biting her lip to hold back whatever is trying to get out.

“You make me feel human, Y/N. Something other than an ex-mindless assassin whose just trying to obliterate all of Hydra out of revenge”

“Buck..” she chokes on my name, a soft smile gracing her features as tears start to spill.

“Though, after I found you I’m far more motivated to drag out every Hydra-asshole and strangle them with the very weapon they provided me with”

It comes out as a growl, bitter and a bit more fierce than I intended, but she’s still smiling through her tears.

Finally. I told her. Well, part of it. And she’s not scared, or offended, or disgusted. She’s smiling, crying too, but those aren’t sad tears.

“Y/N, I need to know”

She looks up at me expectantly.

“Do you want this? Do you want me?”

She scoffs through her tears. “God, Bucky. Yes. Yes I want this, I want you. You’ve done nothing but be good to me; you treat me better than anyone has ever done. Even before Hydra. You’re the sweetest, most caring man I’ve ever met, and I’d be an idiot if I’d let you get away from me”

It feels like she just punched me in the gut. My lungs seem to lack oxygen, and my heart is pumped completely dry. She fucking wants me.

PART 7:

When I kissed Y/N goodbye only 26 hours ago to leave on a three-day mission- close by, but long lasting, a fucking drag- I never would’ve thought this was gonna happen. None of us did. How he managed to get loose, we might never find out. The guards were dead, the security system disabled, in the holding area. The B-team was out on another mission, another Hydra base at the other end of the world, as another thorn in the eye of the world. In hindsight we should’ve probably shipped him off sooner than we’d initially planned, but it’s too late for that now; Carson Jones is dead.

Though he deserves a goddamn more horrible fate than death.

She’s still now; her body has stopped shaking, the crying faltered into shattering hiccups, and now there’s no sound. I miss the noise; the confirmation that she’s alive and breathing. She is, I know. I can feel it; the slow rise and fall of her chest, but it’s eerily quiet and messy around us. It’s unsettling, and I can’t help but be terrified that all of the work we did together, all of the progress she made, has just been erased in the matter of minutes. I should’ve never left her alone.

22 hours earlier

An alarm goes off; it’s loud, deafening. Y/N startles upwards from the couch, her book falls to the floor with a muffled thump. She’s looking around frantically when the door to the apartment slams open. She’s only just too late to escape to the bedroom and hide. Carson Jones strides through the  living room and manages to get a firm grip on her hair, stopping her harshly in her tracks.

“Kneel, or die, whore. Your choice” he hisses in her ear; his breath fans over her neck, draining her face of all colour.

She feels stronger than before, and manages to escape his hands by sheer luck. Carson is taken by surprise, thinking that she’d comply instantly, not expecting a counter-attack. Y/N manages to elbow him in his side, causing him to double over.

“You bitch!” he yells after her as she runs to the bedroom, slamming the door shut and locking it.

She runs to the closet, hiding herself behind Bucky’s clothes as she shuts that door too, locking it from the inside. Another moment of pure luck: she has her phone in her pocket. As the noise of Carson’s body hitting the bedroom door looms over her actions, she manages to seek out Bucky’s contact and hits the ‘call’ button.

———

“Buck. Really?” Steve gives me a judgemental look as he secures his shield on his back.

I just shrug defiantly and smirk as I accept the call. “Hey, doll”

-“Bucky! He’s here- he’s in the apartment!”

Her frantic voice drains me of all calm and I feel lightheaded. “Y/N, where are you?”

“I-I’m hiding in the closet” she whimpers as banging noises began to bleed through the conversation.

“Stay there, we’re on our way, baby” I stand up abruptly and unsteady, “Clint! Turn this thing around, now. Jones escaped!”

“God, please hurry, Bucky. He’s breaking down the door!” she cries through ragged breathing.

“Shit” Steve breathed, urging Clint to hurry. He just nods and has his game-face on, silently promising us we’ll be back as soon as possible.

“We’re on out way, sweetheart. We’re only ten minutes out” I try to calm her down, but fail miserably as I’m starting to panic myself. If that man lays a hand on her.. It’s like I’m having an outer-body experience. I’m watching myself grasp my hair out of fear and utter frustration; I’m not there with her, I can’t help her. She’s in immediate goddamn danger, and I’m not there.

“Bucky, I’m scared” her voice trembles and suddenly turns into a blood curdling scream as the sound of wood cracking chimes through.

“Y/N!” I try to get her attention, but all I hear is distant whimpering and crying, and the sound of a body hitting a door, trying to break through. She must’ve dropped the phone.

Fuck.

———

The door creaks and even bends under Carson’s body weight and the force he’s using against it. Y/N watches the hinges shake with wide, tear-stained eyes and all she can do is wait and hope the door holds out long enough for Bucky to reach her.

Unfortunately, hoping didn’t help keeping the door. The wood cracks, and eventually breaks almost clean in half.

She screams and kicks as Carson grabs her hair again, and drags her out to the living room. He’s not having any of her struggling and shoves her to her knees in the middle of the room. She swore she could feel something crack behind her kneecaps when they hit the hard surface.

“This is where whores like you belong. You might’ve been the Winter Soldier’s slut for a few weeks, but you know whose property you are, don’t you?”

She manages to muster up enough strength to not slip back into the submissive role she had to play for years and grinds her teeth, making a statement of not answering him. She could reach out to his legs, push him to make him fall over; but all of her energy is put into defying him. She wouldn’t be fast enough to make a run for it, though. Her weeks being fed by Bucky and him helping her train in the gym have helped, but after years and years of being incapacitated and on her knees most of the time have not been good on her stamina. 

“I asked you a goddamn question!” Carson yelled and she feels his hand bruise her cheek, tasting blood on her tongue.

Her lips are still as if glued together, drawn up in a thin line.

Carson laughed darkly, “Really.. Already so out of practice?” his voice drawls, making her cringe; it sounds down right obscene, just like the way he used to speak to her when she was at Hydra.

His hand closes around her chin, his thumb digging into her cheek, fingers into the other, forcing her jaw to part and her mouth to open.

“You know who owns you?” he hissed at her, looking at her expectantly.

She says nothing, makes no sound.

Three more slaps are earned with her silence.

Carson growled, growing more and more frustrated with each passing second of silence.

“Maybe you need something familiar shoved down your throat to jog your memory, you worthless little-..”

He never got to finish that threat. A shot is fired, deafening and terrifyingly comforting, and Carson sinks to the floor, instantly robbed of his life. Her vision is blurry, her mind scrambled and spinning; but through the haze she sees Bucky approaching, gun still raised towards her ex-husband.

———

“Y/N, baby. Are you hurt?” she’s just sitting there, staring at Jones’ lifeless body.

“Y/N, c’mon. Are you hurt anywhere?” I ask her again as I kneel next to her.

Her eyes meet mine; they’re empty. Like a void, free of fear or any other emotion.

“Baby.. please talk to me” I try again, and manage to pull a reaction out of her. Her eyes widen as if she’s only now noticing I’m there. Tears well up immediately as a broken cry rips through her and inevitably through myself as well. She lunges at me, her body going lax in my arms as she cries out of desperation and fear; out of pain and sheer terror.

I don’t think I’ve ever held on to anyone so tightly before. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so broken before. Even when nightmares plagued me whenever I closed my eyes for only a minute, when I was haunted by the faces of the people I’ve killed; it was never like this. It was always me, never have I felt this scared for some one else.

For hours she lays in my arms; I’m not sure if she’s fallen asleep or if she’s just still. I haven’t moved or spoken, I hardly dare to breathe, I’m afraid to move for some reason. Probably because if I do, it’ll become abundantly clear that this is real and we’ll have to face it.

I know Steve and Natasha came back about and hour ago. They silently removed Jones’ body handing it over to agents of the compound before taking a place in the kitchen, watching over us. It feels comforting and intruding at the same time. They were right behind me in my sprint towards my apartment, and they never tried to stop me from killing him. They would’ve, maybe, if they hadn’t heard what he was about to do to her. I could almost feel the tension in them upon hearing those words. They let me raise my gun and squeeze the trigger, didn’t say a word or even moved a muscle.

I know we can’t stay here, now, in the apartment I’ve lived in since Steve brought me back to the compound. Not after what just took place here. And I know I have to get up and be strong for her.

“Y/N” I try to speak, but it her name comes out as a hoarse whisper. “Y/N you have to get checked out”

She says nothing, she just nods.

Back to fucking silence. Fuck.

Though there’s nothing more to say at the moment; so I pick her up off the floor and carry her away from the scene, ignoring everything and everyone around us.

Bruce is only just running through the door as we enter the lab.

“What happened?” he breathes as I lay her still body on the table.

“Jones got loose. Attacked her” I mumble, my eyes never leaving her pale face.

“Shit” Bruce cursed, and begins with his careful examination. There’s bruises on her knees, nothing sprained or broken there, though it’s obvious that getting her on her knees was done with force, and somehow that makes pride flutter through me. Bruises have already darkened on her face from where he laid his hands on her. Her heartbeat is steady and her breathing normal. She’s numb.

When Bruce finishes his examination, he tells me she needs to sleep, and rest for at least two weeks. I can only manage a nod as a sign of appreciation, but he accepts it.

Steve walks in and approaches silently, he places his large hand on my flesh shoulder and gives a comforting squeeze. Out of reflex I squeeze Y/N’s hand on my turn, and a spark of hope returns to me when she squeezes back, acknowledging my existence.

———

We’re given a spare studio-like apartment to stay at while other, more permanent, arrangements are taken care of. Steve hauls most of my belongings two stories up from where I used to live with him, with help from a handful of agents and Natasha, who manages to make the small space look comfortable and spacious at the same time. I am eternally grateful to these people, my friends. Friends are something I never thought I’d have again, but shit do I love them. They made sure my every second is spent with Y/N, who’s been sleeping for ten straight hours now. We spoke briefly after Bruce left, exchanging words of apology, and waving them off; exchanging words of affection and taking those in with gratitude.

I refuse to let anyone touch her or even get near her and carry her up to our new accommodations personally and unescorted. She’s in my hands now, she has been for weeks and I can’t help but feel like I’ve been careless with her. If anyone else even looks at her in a way I don’t like, they wont live to regret it. The animalistic instinct- I don’t have another word for it- has taken over completely, and I even catch myself on a fucking growl when a random agent enters the lab and comes too close for my comfort; he wasn’t even that close. The man scurried away in fear and I can’t help but notice that the effect I had on him pleased me. Steve and Natasha backed off respectfully, having left a note saying that the fridge is filled for at least the next couple of days and that no one will be bothering us for a long time.

Just as I made to lay her in our new bed- kingsize with an unbelievably comfortable mattress, courtesy of Tony Stark- she opened her eyes and looked straight at me before her eyes darted around the unfamiliar surroundings.

“Where are we?” she whispered hoarsely.

“Different floor of the compound” my voice was hushed as her body hit the soft, but firm surface of the mattress. “Our living arrangements are under consideration as to where we’ll be staying. For now, we have this”

“Oh”

“How are you feeling, doll?”

She grasped my hand tightly, already letting me know she wasn’t going to let go if I made to get up.

“I’m not sure” she sighed heavily. “I can’t focus”

“It’s okay” I leaned forward to kiss her forehead. “You’ll feel better after you’ve gotten some more rest”

“You’re not leaving, are you?” she whispered, looking at me with large, pleading eyes; and fuck, how could I ever leave her after this? Especially when she’s looking at me like that. I was supposed to protect her, instead I leave for three days and this fucking happens.

“I’ll never let you out of my sight again, baby. I promise” I kissed her forehead again, my lips lingering longer on her skin just to savour the feeling of having her safe.

“You can’t promise that, Bucky. You have a job” she deadpanned, a sad smile on her face.

I sighed, knowing she was right. At least I could promise to keep her safe to the best of my abilities, other than just making sure she was comfortable.

“Okay, maybe you’re right. But I can make damn sure you’re as safe as you can be”

“What’s that s’posed to mean?” I can tell the conversation is tiring her out, her eyelids are fluttering and her words are slurring slightly.

“Not now, baby. Sleep. I’ll be right here when you wake up” I promised her and watched as she tried to protest, but soon slipped into a deep sleep.

I didn’t leave her side, even though I was goddamn starving and really wanted to raid the fridge. I made a promise, and so far, I hadn’t been keeping the other promises I made. I promised her that he wouldn’t come near her again, that promise was broken. I promised her that he wouldn’t touch or hurt her again, promises left broken.

My mind is telling me to get the hell out before something else happens, before she’s hurt- or worse- because of me. But my instinct wont let me. I can’t leave her, not now that I love her, now that I’ve sworn to protect her; selfishly, and smugly to be honest, I know there’s no one else who could protect her the way I can, or would. The aftermath of today will be lengthy, it’ll be a struggle, for both of us. There’s no telling how much of a setback this is gonna be for her. I know one thing for sure, though; no missions for the time being. Not until I’m sure she’s recovered.

I can’t help my possessive behaviour these days. I feel the need to protect her every second of every minute of every hour of every goddamn day. She slept for almost two days, with only brief moments of being awake, not speaking when she was. She just curls up to me, eagerly accepting my protective arms around her. I miss kissing her, I miss her smile; the beautiful, blinding smile I only got to enjoy for such a short time.

When she wakes after about 39 hours of sleep, she looks up at me with more life in her eyes. I’m not sure what the emotion is, but it pulls a smile to my face nonetheless.

“Hey, baby” I realise I haven’t spoken in two days when I hear my voice.

She adjusts her position so her face is closer to mine, and presses a gentle kiss to my lips.

I did not expect that.

My smile widens and I kiss her back, again and again, until I’ve pulled her so close that every part of her is in contact with a part of me.

“You’ve been sleeping for almost two days, sweetheart” I murmured when I finally manage to keep my mouth off her. “Do you want to eat? Or shower? Do you want to sleep more?”

“Shower, please” her voice is small, and her tone is almost pleading.

“Okay, baby. Whatever you want” I want to assure her she’s in control, though in the back of my mind I know the dominance I’m radiating isn’t helpful. I just can’t help it; my mind keeps teasing me, keeps repeating the same thing.

She’s mine. She’s mine. No one else’s. She’s mine, and if anyone gets too close, they’ll regret it.

PART 8:

Day one, she’s quiet. I expected that much. She says she doesn’t want to sleep anymore, or rather, can’t. I find myself wanting to pick her up and carry her to the bathroom, but I refrain. She’s perfectly capable of walking herself, as she proves when she follows me out of the bedroom, and I don’t want her to ‘relapse’ into her submissive behaviour.

Out of pure want to cater to her every need, I turn on the shower, like the first time I brought her back to the compound weeks ago. Though when I make to leave, she stops me. The look in her eyes makes it abundantly clear she wants me to stay. The rational part of my mind is hesitating, I don’t know how well-behaved I can be with this animal brooding inside of me, but that very same animal makes me take a step towards her. I realise I’m towering over her, and I try to reel in the dominance as much as I can. Without really thinking my actions through, I take off my shirt, revelling in the fact that even when she’s like this, she stares at me almost hungrily.

But then there’s a knock on the front door and all the effort is for nothing. I feel my arms pull her in and she crashes into my chest, though with little finesse, still with care, thank fuck.

She must have heard the growl I couldn’t contain, because she’s looking up at me with wide eyes and surprise.

“I’ll be right back, sweetheart” I tell her as I reluctantly release her from my grip.

“No, please” she whispers, the crack in her voice makes me stop.

The knock sounds again, “Mr Barnes?”

The unfamiliar voice makes my instincts kick in all the more. Another growl, and I can’t help myself from standing just that little taller, widening my chest in the process.

“I have to see, baby. It’s okay” I grumbled at her, giving her a reassuring kiss on her forehead. “I’ll be right back”

I didn’t want to let her go, she whimpered as soon as I did. I wanted to turn back and wrap my arms around her. But this is still the Avengers compound, and I’m still an Avenger. This might be important.

When I open the door I’m faced with an agent, I’ve seen him before, I think. He works closely with Fury.

“Mr Barnes, I understand that Mrs Jones is here?” he deadpanned and this is already just not turning out to be a conversation he wants to have with me.

“Did you just call her Mrs Jones?” I hardly recognise my own voice. A mixture between a hiss and a low growl comes out and it visibly makes the man cringe.

“I- yes. I need her to come down to do a psychological evaluation” he tries to stay confident, but the way I’m making sure he feels as small as possible compared to myself is making that attitude falter.

“You better get the hell outta here, man. And her name is Y/L/N, don’t forget that” I slam the door in his face and make to turn back to Y/N who is already in the shower, but the guy is relentless.

“She needs to be evaluated, Mr Barnes. And she’s technically a widow, still married” he calls out from the other side of the door.

This is a mistake he’s gonna know he made.

Before I even know it, I opened the door, probably staring daggers at the guy because he takes a step back and I can almost hear his heartbeat speed up from where I’m standing.

“Care to repeat that, smart ass?” I hissed, not even trying to hold back anymore.

“Alright, okay, take it easy” Steve’s voice sounds from my left as he walks up to us. “We just want to make sure she’s okay, Bucky” he continues, looking at me with a slightly confused look in his eyes.

“Thanks, but no. She just woke up and she’s not ready to see anyone else”

“How about you let her decide that for herself?” Smart ass cocked an eyebrow at me, and I can feel anger brooding within me all over again.

“Why are you so interested in her safety all of a sudden? You let me take care of her before, think I’m not up to it?” I keep my gaze locked on Steve, trying to read his expression.

“This time the incident happened on our premises, we’re inclined to do this” Smart ass answered simply, obviously trying her best not to roll his eyes.

I have to think about that for a moment, but then realise what’s happening here, and I’m about to fucking explode.

“Do you.. Are you afraid she’ll sue you or something?”

“Buck, that’s not-..” Steve starts, but is cut off by Smart ass.

“Yes. Mr Barnes, we need to make sure the Avengers aren’t implicated in any way in this”

For a minute, I’m dumbfounded. Then, I’m just angry.

“Steve, did you know about this?”

He sighs. “Shit. No Bucky. I didn’t, I’m sorry. I just wanted to see if she wanted to talk to a professional about.. you know. But we’ll leave you be”

He raised his hand when Smart ass wanted to interfere, and he stopped. “Don’t interrupt me again, Peters” he glared at the guy before continuing.

“If you need anything, please just let me know, okay? Otherwise we wont bother you anymore”

“I’d still like to know if she wants to talk” Smart ass says, as relentless as his boss.

“She does; to me” I answered.

Apparently his goddamn job is on the line or something, because he blatantly ignores me and calls over my shoulder, into the apartment: “Mrs Jones? We’d like to speak with you!”

The shower shuts off and I can already hear her ragged breathing.

“Son of a bitch!” I yell out at him and before Steve is able to stop me, the metal of my left fist meets with his jaw.

“Buck, stop!” Steve has his ‘Captain’ tone going, but it almost isn’t enough. “Go to Y/N. She needs you”

Her hushed cries break through my anger, and Smart ass is just so lucky Steve came to his rescue.

“Get him the fuck out of my sight” I growl at Steve, slamming the door shut without waiting for an answer.

The noise I caused by slamming the door makes her whimper, and I silently curse at myself.

“Y/N, sweetheart, it’s okay. It’s just me” I call out to her before I enter the bathroom, trying not to startle her any more. “I’m right here, baby” I whisper at her when I walk through the door.

She’s in the corner of the shower cabin, her knees pulled up to her chest, her arms wrapped around them. She looks at me warily with those wide eyes, then looks past me into the living room, to see if there’s no one else there.

“God, baby; I’m so sorry” I whisper at her and kneel at the foot of the shower. “They wanted to see if you wanted to talk to a professional about this..”

“No!” she screeches, her voice cracks and it makes me wince. “Please. Don’t make me”

There she goes, breaking my heart again; I really hope she’s not actually afraid of me making her do anything.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t wanna do, baby. I promised you, didn’t I?”

She nods slowly as she watches me stand and pull my sweatpants down.

I guess I chose a good time to go commando. For fuck sake. Of al the inappropriate thoughts..

“C’mere, baby” I murmured, holding out my hand as I step inside.

She takes it carefully and lets me pull her up until her body is flush against mine. Her hands lay on my chest, my arms wrap around her automatically. She’s safe, I’m keeping her safe.

I can’t help but wonder for a moment if I broke something when I punched Smart ass in the face; can’t say I didn’t warn him though. I’m gonna have to keep an eye on him when I get back to work; he’s too forward for my liking. I don’t want that guy even so much as breathing near her.

“I’m sorry, Bucky” she suddenly whispers, the warm water cascading down on us both as I hold her close. “I’m so weak, and you’re so strong; I-.. you didn’t sign up for this”

“Don’t” my voice is firm but soft. “I did sign up for this, Y/N. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t”

“I just feel so useless” she continues as I pull away from her slightly to look at her. She’s beautiful, period. But naked and wet like this.. God. How the hell am I supposed to control myself and this damn animal inside me? It’s screaming at me to take her, claim her as my own already. It’s loud. So goddamn loud.

“I told you, baby. You’re helping me as much as I’m helping you” my voice is hoarse and strained, it takes all of my strength to not turn her in my arms and just start pounding into her. This is also a great time to notice that a certain part of my body is painfully aware of how close and how naked she is. Fucking great.

She must notice, there’s not really a way around it. My hardness is standing at attention against her abdomen as she’s pressed against me closely. She doesn’t comment on it, or pay the fact any mind; or so I thought.

“I want to give myself to you, Bucky” she whispers, tears forming in her eyes.

“Y/N..”

She interrupts me.

“I do. Not like I used to be given away. But.. I want to feel you. I just can’t. Not yet..”

She interrupted me.. That’s new. And if it were anyone else in any other situation, I’d be annoyed. But this is progress. It’s a big fucking step she just took and I couldn’t feel more pride if I tried.

“I can wait, Y/N. There’s no rush, at all, okay? I just want you to get better, and I want to be with you, and I want to feel you as you want to feel me, but only when you’re ready”

Wait? Are you goddamn serious?

I’m gonna have to tell my brain to shut the hell up, but I can’t trust myself to not say it out loud, so I keep quiet, and keep her close to me.

“Thank you, Bucky” she whispers in the smallest of voices. It’s the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard.

———

Ignoring my now almost always present erection is a bit tougher than I thought it would be. It doesn’t help that she’s in need of physical contact all the time either. Don’t get me wrong, I love having her so close all the time; I love it when she curls up to me in bed, I love it when her head is resting on my chest when we watch TV aimlessly. I love it when she’s watching my every move when I cook for us, and grabs my hand as soon as we’re done eating. But it’s on hell of a strain on my entire being and not to mention my dick. It’s painful at times, and when she shifts and accidentally grazes against it, it sends a jolt of pleasure/pain through my body.

It doesn’t help that all that’s on my mind is how much I want to be inside of her, bite down on her skin to leave my mark, take her until she’s utterly fucked out and satisfied by me, and only me.

These thoughts make me feel guilty every time they cross my mind. I promised I could wait, and I can; I know I can. But it’s becoming increasingly harder (yeah, yeah. Pun intended)

I don’t want to leave her side to take care of myself, though. I don’t want her to feel like I’m sick of her or abandoning her. I know it sounds weird, her feeling like that when I’d only be away from her for five minutes (if not less) and only a few feet away; but I know how she feels. Steve couldn’t move an inch without me moving along with him when he first brought me back here from Wakanda. Touch deprivation is a strange thing, and she’s definitely had a relapse on that count.

This is exactly how I came to be in this situation. It’s two in the morning, and my hand is down my boxers, stroking my rigid cock, hoping to shit that I don’t wake her seeing as she’s asleep right next to me. Though I know this is extremely inappropriate, I can’t help but enjoy that her body lays against mine. Her ass pressing up against my hip, her back gently against the cold metal of my arm. She- randomly- mentioned earlier she liked that I’m as hot as a furnace all the time but my left arm is always cooling. Again; one of the sweetest things I’ve ever heard roll off of some one’s lips.

I manage to keep sufficiently still as I speed up the motions of my right hand, but can’t stifle the moans I entice with them. They’re hushed enough not to wake her, but it sounds filthier because of it and somehow it’s all the more arousing that I’m doing this right next to her while she’s sleeping and doesn’t notice a thing. That very thought almost pushes me over the edge, pleasure surging through my body like fucking lightning as a louder moan manages to escape. I have to stop and check if she’s woken up by the noise, but she’s still sleeping peacefully.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck, this feels so goddamn good. My imagination runs wild and makes me think of what it would be like if she was the one doing this for me, or what it would feel like to have her wrapped around my cock in any way she’d allow.

That’s what finally does it. I’m biting my tongue, drawing blood and I manage to keep quiet as I feel myself cum over my abs and my chest. I don’t think I ever came this hard or this much. Thankfully a shirt is within my reach and I clean myself up thoroughly, not leaving any evidence of what I have shamefully done while she slept. It was necessary, very much so, actually. I feel relieved and the strain is lessened considerably.

As if on cue, she turns in her sleep, draping her arm over my waist.

If she’d done that only a minute earlier..

But she didn’t. Thank. fucking. god; she didn’t. 

She nuzzles her face sleepily in the crook of my neck and I can’t hold back a smile. She seems content and calm, instantly calming myself with the look on her face. With the utmost caution I lean in and kiss her forehead.

“Sweet dreams, doll. You deserve them”

PART 9:

There’s a calm in her that I haven’t seen before. It’s been two weeks since the incident happened and she’s slowly coming back to what I believe is her old self. Not the her I saw when she smiled at me for the first time, but some one more relaxed and easy-going. She’s been reading a lot while I’ve been going over mission reports to keep myself busy; it’s not that I like paperwork, but it keeps me from getting lazy and it keeps me up to date as to what’s going on out there. I love this little bubble we have in the small apartment that we’ve made ours so easily in the past couple of days. We’re usually sprawled out on the couch, a stack of folders I have to go through on my left, her body pressed against mine on my right. I never thought of myself as a stay-at-home kinda guy, but with her, it’s easy and it even comes natural. It’s terrifyingly domestic; I’m loving every minute of it. Of course I’ll have to get back to the ‘real’ work eventually, Steve will be knocking at that door soon enough; but for now I’m enjoying my time with her, like I did before. In some weird way, she came out better than she did when I pulled her out of that horrible cell. Maybe because she knows she stood up against the very thing that held her down for so long, that something that had her trapped in more ways than just physically. She came out even stronger.

A shiver runs down her spine, she scoots closer to me.

“Cold?”

She hums and then sighs appreciatively when I put my arm around her as I navigate the report I’m working on with only my left hand.

“Better?” I murmur against her temple, not taking my eyes off the paper in front of me.

“Much better” she mumbles, looking up at me with the sweetest smile, causing me to drop the folder to the floor, scattering the carefully organised papers over the floor. Though I couldn’t care less about that.

“God, you’re beautiful” I press a kiss to her lips, she’s leaning into my touch as I wrap my metal arm around her. She squeals softly when it touches the tiny bit of bare skin showing under the hem of her shirt. I run my metal fingers over her sensitive skin and she giggles at the light touch; every new sound she makes catches me by surprise, but this one makes my heart flutter in my chest and I can’t hold back a chuckle of my own.

It’s exciting and comfortable at the same time, we’re both smiling and she’s giggling and I’m just happily pecking her lips over and over; I want her to keep making that sound, she sounds happy.

“Bucky” she squeals against my lips, sending tingling vibrations through my body, “you’re tickling me”

“Am I?” I feigned innocence and press my fingers into the skin on her side a bit harder, making her squirm against me as she drops her book.

“Y-yes! Bucky!” she’s laughing wholeheartedly and louder than I’ve ever heard. Now I’m sure this is the most beautiful fucking thing I’ve ever heard. I should probably make up my mind over what sound I like best.

Her laugh is contagious; so full and beautiful, so lively. I just want to hear it over and over again.

“Bucky! Please! Stop!” she’s breathless with laughing and trying to get away from me, but I’m not letting her just yet.

“I don’t think I will, doll” I’m still laughing with her, it feels so good, so free.

She squeals again but manages to wriggle herself in a different position to retaliate. I will never admit this to anyone else. I’m a damn Russian top ex-assassin and an Avenger, but I can’t handle damn tickling.

It goes on like this for a few moments until we both call a truce, I managed to manoeuvre her on her back and somehow ended up hovering over her, and she has the brightest smile as she looks up at me.

“I-.. wow” I shake my head to get the fog out , I almost slipped up.. I almost told her that I loved her. Though, would that really be such a bad thing now? Now that we’re.. this?

“Bucky” she searches my eyes, “What?”

“I..” Am I really doing this? “I love you”

Guess I am.

Her expression falls slightly, I immediately regret saying anything. I messed up. I messed up big time. Shit. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“I love you too”

Wait. What?

“Huh?” well, that was coherent.

“I love you too” she repeats without missing a beat.

I can’t be this lucky..

“You really didn’t know?” she cocks an eyebrow at me, giving me an incredulous look.

I huff out a laugh, “Well.. I hoped; I guess. I didn’t know”

“Bucky.. seriously, you’re not that dense. Are you?” she smiles teasingly.

“Contrary to general belief, I’m pretty bad at these things” I joke back at her, prompting a wider smile from her.

“Please, just shut up and kiss me” she laughs and yes. Yes please.

Our lips meet in slow, savouring movements; the blissful moment being dragged out by the gentleness of it all. I somehow only now realise I’m still hovering over her and lower my body over hers carefully. I’m still reluctant to this kind of contact, it feels dominant, it feels like I’m trapping her. But I feel no hesitation in her movements, nor do I feel her holding back as she pulls on me to get me closer. The kiss becomes more heated as the animal inside me seems to wake up, and with that, so does my cock. I’m nipping and biting at her lips, licking into her mouth, overwhelming her with my frivolous touch; but right now, I just can’t help myself. I can hear the small groans and grunts she pulls from me as if I’m not making the noises myself, my hips move of their own accord, softly grinding against her as I lay between her legs.

She breaks the kiss, panting and pushing me back slightly.

“Bucky, I-..”

I’m coming back to my senses.

“Shit. Fuck, baby, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry” she catches me before I can get off her.

“No. Bucky, it’s okay. I’m just- not ready yet” she smiles sweetly, and I’m so fucking sure I’m the luckiest man in the world to have earned that smile.

“Yeah- o-okay” I’m a stammering mess. Once again, smooth Barnes. Real fucking smooth. “I can wait, I promise. I just got caught up in the moment there” (that, and the goddamn animal you awaken in me is getting real impatient)

“It’s okay, really. You don’t have to be sorry” she smiles again, “You’re letting me set the pace. I’m really grateful for that. I know it’s not easy”

I smile back at her (I hope), “It’s not supposed to be easy, sweetheart. I’m willing to wait as long as you need me to”

She laughs softly, “Keep saying those things and it wont be much of a wait”

I’m grinning at her (yeah, now I’m absolutely sure that’s what I’m doing), “Is that so?”

She laughs again, bashfully. She’s goddamn cute when she blushes.

“How about when I tell you, you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen?” I murmur, nudging her cheek with my nose gently.

She giggles, “No, I’m not”

“You are” I smirk, smugly, knowing I’m making her blush all shyly. “And you’re sweet; and so strong. It’s a privilege to be able to love you, Y/N”

“Bucky..” she breathes, seemingly awestruck by my confession. But I’m not done yet, I’m enjoying this way too much.

“To have you tell me you love me back is more than I could ever wish for”

“God, please stop” she whispers in a soft laugh, hiding her face behind her hands.

“And have you stop lookin’ at me like that? Hell no” she’s slowly bringing out the charmer I was before everything kinda went to shit; the feeling she gives me is addictive and I’m gonna make this last as long as I can. “I wanna make sure you know how much I love you, baby. I wanna make sure you know how amazing you are”

She groans, embarrassed, shy and so, so sweetly.

“d’You have any idea how you make me feel, sweetheart?”

She shakes her head behind her hands.

“Let me look at you, doll” I whisper, carefully removing one hand from her face. She drops both hands in defeat and glares at me playfully, not fully able to hide the upwards curl of the corner of her lips.

“You make me feel happy, sweetheart. Something I haven’t felt in a long time. Well, not really anyway..” I have to take a deep breath, I’m about to pour my heart out all over her and I can only hope she takes it well. “All I want to do is be with you, have you touch me like you do, just so you know I’m here. I feel the constant need to protect you because I just want to make sure you’re good and that you stay with me. You’ve awoken some kind of primal instinct in me that’s sometimes terrifying but oddly comforting because I know you’ll be safe with me. But most of all, I just want to make you mine” the whole thing comes out in a breath, I’m wondering if I’m making any sense but apparently, I’m not done yet.

“I just want to make you mine, I want you to be happy; with me”

The next few days are hazy; lustfully hazy. Her touches are just that little more heated every time, just that little more sexually loaded. I know I’m not imagining things, I can see it in her eyes, clear as day. It’s not that she’s teasing me, or even trying to get a reaction; she’s testing the waters. Her hand could be on my shoulder and one of her fingers could just gently scratch at my skin. It might seem like nothing to anyone else, but it never fails to have me shivering and it always makes me smile at her. A fond, lovesick smile that I know anyone but her would make fun of if they saw it. Hell, if I’d see this kind of smile on anyone, I’d tease them crazy about it. But not her, she just gives me a similar smile back and whatever we’re doing at the time, whether it’s working and she’s reading or watching TV, or cooking (which she now does for me, instead of the other way around) I always have to stop and kiss her. When she gives me that look, I’m completely gone, and I need to express what I feel for her in the best way I can: physical contact. My arms around her, my lips on hers, our bodies close.

Telling her I love her is more than just a daily occurrence. I tell her every chance I get, every moment it feels right to blurt it out again. And even if I’m dragging the statement out, she still blushes so sweetly when she hears me say it. She doesn’t always, I’ve caught myself whispering it to her late at night, when she’s curled up against me and I bury my face in her hair and the back of her neck, murmuring the words I’ve been waiting for what feels like ages to tell her.

The animal has quieted down somewhat since I confessed my feelings for her- or rather poured my soul out all over her. It’s still there, ever present it seems, laying dormant for whenever it’s needed. For whenever something or some one is threatening her well-being, or comes too close in general, probably. I’ve accepted it, though. As I told her, I know she’s safe with me, I know I can protect her.

———

A particular perfect morning rolls around when I wake up because of the sun peeking through the sloppily closed curtains. The beam illuminates her as if it’s trying to tell me: ‘look at this perfection and fucking revel in it as long as you can’

I make a satisfied, sleepy sound, tightening my arm around her waist, and pulling her back flush against my chest. That closeness in the early hours of the morning is something I crave now.

She hums sleepily and drapes her hand over my arm where it’s resting on her waist.

“Morning” she mumbles, inhaling deeply and letting the air out in a slow breath through her nose. She’s peaceful.

“Mornin’ sweetheart” my voice is groggy with sleep but I can’t find it in me to care. I mimic her actions, inhaling the scent of her shampoo when I inhale, needing to hold it in just a little longer before letting the air escape.

“Hey Bucky?” she whispers, her voice is neutral.

“Hmm?”

“You never asked me what I did before I was taken by Hydra” she deadpans, and suddenly I’m wide awake.

I wait for a few seconds to answer her, hoping to find the right words. “No-.. I didn’t. I wasn’t sure you wanted to talk about it”

“Why?”

That’s quite a simple question for me to answer.

“Well.. I always found it difficult to talk about my past, before Hydra. Because it’s just that. It’s a before and after kind of thing. I didn’t want to define it that way.. But I learned there’s really no way around it. I’m different now than I was back then, it changed me. Therefore, there’s before and after Hydra”

She’s silent for a few minutes, mulling over the answer I honestly gave her.

“Well, you nailed that one right on the head” she suddenly mumbles, and I blink a couple of times to try and find out of she really just gave me a smart-ass retort, because she hasn’t done that before; ever.

When the realisation sinks in I can’t help but let out an unattractive snort. “I did, huh?”

She nods. “I’d like to talk about it now, though”

A warmth spreads through my chest; this is the most progress she’s made since she first got here. I can’t help but feel proud at the fact that I’m doing something right here.

“I’d like that too. Can I ask?”

“Yes, please” she answers in a small voice, still needing some sort of guidance.

“Where’d you grow up?” first question.

“California” she answers. Huh. How ‘bout that?

“Did you like it there?”

“I did, to an extent” she answers, I can hear her smile through her words. “I like New York better, though. I like that fast pace”

“I get that” I chuckle, tangling my legs with hers to feel every part of her against me.

“What did you do?”

“I was a nurse” she answers blankly.

“You are” I correct her and she snorts softly.

“Okay, I am a nurse. And before you ask, yes, I liked doing that. A lot” she says, squirming slightly in my hold to get more comfortable.

“Maybe, when you’re up to it, you could help out Bruce if it’s necessary” I’m thinking out loud.

“What do you mean?” she turns around and faces me, question-marks in her eyes.

“You know; whenever we come back from a mission, one of us idiots usually needs some kind of medical attention” I add a shrug to lighten the situation.

“You really think that would be possible?” she beams at me and it’s like her smile is as bright as the sun illuminating her form.

“Yeah, of course. If you.. want to stay here, that is”

“Of course I want to stay here!” she laughs, wholeheartedly. “You really are an idiot”

I laugh along with her, “I told ya. It’s usually not the bad guys that hurt us, doll. It’s mostly our own stupidity”

That prompts another laugh, happy and almost completely carefree. She’s intoxicating.

She shares some stories about het work at several hospitals, she worked as an ER nurse and had the weirdest experiences with drunks on the night shift and generally with people who’d had strange things shoved up in strange places. She’s absolutely in her element when she talks about it and I’m so goddamn psyched to see this side of her. Because not only does she look happy, she’s fucking hilarious. She keeps on making me laugh until I just can’t stop and have to take a moment to gather myself. She’s spontaneous and witty and her timing is impeccable. I’m falling deeper and deeper in love with this woman. And that look she gives me when she makes me laugh; that fondness, I don’t have the words for it.

“Do you know when you have to get back to work?” she asks me when we’ve calmed down and are just enjoying each other’s company in the comfort of our warm bed.

“No, I don’t, really. Steve said to take my time, but it’s been a while.. So I guess he’ll be coming for me soon” I answered, genuinely sad at the last part of that sentence. I wish I could stay like this with her forever. Even though I miss the thrill of a mission, this beats it, all day, every day.

She’s looking at me with big, innocent eyes, and something- naughty? seems to shine through. I can’t place it.

“I want you to touch me” she whispers, her voice loaded with desire.

Guess the look she gave is now explained. 

“T-touch you.. how?”

Yeah, yeah. I know. Another smooth move out of the Barnes catalogue.

“The way you want to, Bucky. I’m ready” she smiles and scoots closer to me until our noses are almost touching.

“Are you sure?” my voice is but a breath, I’m doing everything I can not to lunge at her.

“Yes. Please?”

“God, as if you have to fucking say please..”

And just like that my lips are on hers and we’re losing track of what little clothing we have on

I know they’ll come eventually to drag me out of here again, to get me to go back to work; but I can’t even begin to think about that when I’m laying on top of her, our naked bodies pressed together so perfectly. Her soft whimpers and moans taking over my entire being as we begin to work up a slight sweat with our slow movements. Never in my whole goddamn life have I felt something so intense, so heavy and full. It’s as if our bodies are moving of their own volition, in complete sync; when I want to kiss her, she cranes her head to accommodate me. When she moved to wrap her arm around my back, I moved my metal one out of the way, right before she even made the move.

In the distance I register something that sounds like the door opening and closing, but I’m too caught up in her to really pay attention.

But what horrible fucking timing Steve has, he stands in the doorway, wide-eyed, not being able to say a word or move a muscle. I can see him from my peripheral vision, he hasn’t noticed me noticing him yet. Y/N, however, did; and the words she whispers next are words I never thought I’d hear.

“Don’t stop, Bucky, please. Show them I’m yours, I want to be yours. Please” 

“I love you, baby”

The words come out easily and fluid, like I’ve been telling her this all my life instead of the few days I’ve been using them with her.

“I love you” she replies and no more words are shared because I crash my lips to hers and intensify my thrusts, moving my hips up higher to reach a new angle within her. It’s perfect, she’s perfect, I can’t think straight anymore. Any coherency I once possessed is long gone as the animal inside is finally getting what it wants.

My name rolls off her lips every time I give her more breathing room as I can’t stop grunting and moaning, needing to release some of the intensity, otherwise it’d swallow me whole. She feels so good, better than I could’ve ever imagined. The way she’s giving herself to me, wholeheartedly and trusting, I can hardly cope.

She’s so beautiful, even more so when she reaches her peak and topples over the edge, dragging me down with her, a plunge I’m so very willing to make.

Heavy breaths fill the quiet room and I’m guessing Steve decided that he’d come back later because he’s gone, but I can’t for the fucking life of me recall that he left.

PART 10:

“So, you and her? What’s that about?”

I catch myself on a smile that keeps creeping up on me whenever she’s mentioned.

“She’s doing good” is all I can muster up without grinning like an idiot.

“That’s not what I asked, Buck” Steve smirks knowingly.

“She’s.. I love her”

Steve’s smile gets so bright it almost fucking blinds me.

“I knew it!” he shouts out, “the looks you were giving her, even before; I knew it!”

I start laughing at his excitement, “No, you didn’t. You liar”

“I don’t lie, you know that, Buck” he feigns seriousness. “I’m happy for you, pal”

“Thanks, Stevie”

“Time to go, boys!” Natasha calls out from the back of the jet as she prepares to make the jump.

I know the difference between flying and falling. I’ve never flown before; well, not without a plane or something like it. But jumping out of the jet, calculating where exactly the drop needs to be, where the landing’s gotta be; that’s something I’ll never get used to or get tired of.

The mission almost went off without a hitch. A few scrapes, bruises, a bullet wound here and there; nothing too serious though. I’ll heal, and so will Steve. Natasha, of course, came out of it without even a scratch on her. There’s a whole lot of things me and Steve can learn from that woman. Oh, she did break a nail though, and got grumpy about it for the whole flight back home.

I didn’t forget it’d be Y/N’s first day of helping Bruce in the lab and the medical bay; still I was surprised to see her walking around as if she belonged- which she does- and in her element.

“Hey, doll” she turns to me with a the most beautiful smile, which falls when she takes a better look at me.

“Oh god, Bucky!” she breathes, startled, runs up to me and starts fussing over me; she’s buzzing around me, checking all the marks, I’m not even sure if she’s realising she forced me to take off my shirt.

“Baby” I try to get her attention, but she’s too busy with her assessment of my injuries, which really aren’t that bad.

“Sweetheart”

She’s still not listening.

“Hey” I grab her hands gently and force her to look at me.

She stops and blinks as if she’s just noticing I’m here.

“I’m fine, Y/N, really. I heal fast”

“I know, but-..”

“No, sweetheart. I’m fine, Steve’s fine, it’s all good”

She sighs and gives me a look; a look that says: ‘really? you come in here all beat up and you give me that shit?’

I let out a chuckle and pull her close to me so she’s between my legs and wrap my arms around her.

“You’re worried about me”

“Of course I am” she whispered, her eyes cast down to the floor.

“You don’t have to be” I gently grab her chin and tilt her head up to me. “But I’m glad that you are, sweetheart”

She gives me a shy smile and leans in to my arms, needing affection.

“Please, let me take care of you?” she mumbles against my shoulder, begging me softly to put her mind at ease.

I chuckled at her, couldn’t help myself, really. She’s so damn sweet.

“Sure, sweetheart. Go ahead”

“Thank you, si-.. Bucky” she smiles apologetically. She still slips up sometimes.

“Hey” I stop her when she moves away and pull her back to me, trapping her within my arms. “I love you”

Her cheeks turn a bright shade of pink and she mutters a soft “I love you too” and swings her arms around my neck.

After she checked every inch of me, she’s thorough, I’ll give her that, I asked Bruce if I could steal her away for the rest of the day. Seeing it’s her first day there, I don’t want her pushing herself too much.

“Sure, James. I don’t have any work for you here anyway, Y/N” he smiles and gives her a friendly wave to have her follow me.

“Thank you, Dr Banner” she smiles meekly and leaves before Bruce can correct her on not calling him Bruce.

“So how was your first day in the lab?” I asked her as soon as the door to our new accommodations, much larger than the studio we were in for a week or so, was closed and locked for the rest of the day.

“It was great” she says softly. “It felt good to be able to do things like that again. And Dr Banner is great to work with”

A small poke of jealousy in my side. That’s something that’ll never change, I suppose. Now that she gets out of the apartment more- usually not without me- she talks more as well. Not just with me, but with others too. Steve and her have become more acquainted, as well as her and Natasha. The others have met her by now, but aren’t around as much. Usually I can control myself. But when a man comes too close for my comfort, I can’t help but be possessive over her. I even caught myself growling at some agent the other week, when he was a bit too affectionate in greeting her.

She hasn’t called me on it yet, not that I think she would if she were to mind it. But I feel she likes it when I get possessive and protective over her. There’s still something of that submissive behaviour in her, which I think will always be with her. Though she’s doing so, so very well. She asked me only a few days ago if I’d mind giving her more commands throughout the day. Nothing weird or sexual, just tell her to put on a sweater when it’s cold or to go get herself a drink. It keeps her calm in a way, grounded maybe.

Nonetheless, I shake the jealousy off, I know I don’t have anything to fear from Bruce, or her for that matter.

“I’m glad you had a good day, sweetheart” my face is gonna break one of these days if she keeps making me smile like this. “Are you ready for workin’ three short days a week?”

She nods and smiles happily. “Absolutely. I really enjoyed it, Bucky. Even if it meant having you show up like that” she gestures at the cuts and bruises on my arms and neck, and the bullet-graze she patched up on my shoulder.

“Oh, c’mon doll, it’s not that bad!” I get her to smile when I wrap my arms around her.

“Not this time, no” she mutters. “But what about next time, huh?”

“Next time is something I worry about when it’s there, sweetheart” I mumble as I bury my face in the crook of her neck. “Don’t underestimate my abilities, Y/N. I can take care of myself. And Steve and Nat, if necessary”

I’m not angry with her, or even annoyed. I am strict however. She told me she needs that too, sometimes.

“Okay, sir” she mumbles. She didn’t even notice her slip up.

“Bucky” I correct her softly.

“Oh-.. yeah. Right. Sorry, Bucky” she mutters shamefully.

“Don’t be sorry, baby” my fingers carding through her hair, gently rocking her body from side to side to get her to fully relax. Today was hard on her, no matter how much she enjoyed it; I can tell. She’s unbalanced, more than usual.

“Y/N” I let authority lace through my words.

“Yes, Bucky?” she answers politely, immediately aware and at attention.

“I want you to go and take a bath and relax for a while”

“Okay” she nods and gives me a grateful smile for giving her something to do, forcing her to clear her head.

“I’ll join you in a minute”

Her smile widens she and kisses my cheek, careful for any bruising and walks off to the bathroom.

I’ve admitted to myself that I enjoy this, and I’ve accepted it. Giving her commands so she can unwind and stay clear-headed. Even if the reason for it is anything but innocent, I’m not about to deny her something she needs, and will need for the rest of her life, because it might be slightly immoral. I will never ask something of her that she doesn’t want to do, or isn’t good for her. I will never ask her to do something for me in that way, I will never even command her to get me so much as a glass of water when she’s in this state. Everything I ask of her will be for her, something she has to do for herself; so that she will be better for it, not me. I love her too much to take advantage of her like that, and she trusts me too much to even have the thought cross my mind.

I realise I’ve been standing in the doorway of the living room like a damn fool while thinking this over and of course my snappy brain has something to say about that.

You idiot.

Yeah. Okay.

When I enter the bathroom, she already has the water running, but she’s stationary at the sink. Looking down at her underwear, a puzzled look on her face.

“Hey, doll. What’s wrong?”

She looks up at me slowly, her eyes are watery and her pupils dilated. The beginning of that thousand-yard stare I know so well. Somewhere in between turning on the water and undressing herself, she lost track of what she was doing and didn’t know how to proceed.

It happens, not as much as it used to, but at least once a week. I could’ve known, but I can’t act prematurely. It has to be dealt with in the moment, according to the moment, however it plays out. It’s a lot of improvising and it sometimes feels like we’re in the dark, looking for a light-switch that’s inconveniently placed way too high to reach without looking for a goddamn chair to climb on.

“Can I touch you?” I ask her gently, not making a move into her direction just yet.

She nods, words are lost on her right now.

“Okay, doll. Can I help you take those off?” I ask carefully when I notice she’s not flinching when I come closer.

Sometimes when she’s too far gone, it takes her a while to recognise me, and know that I wont do her any harm. I made that mistake once, I’ve learned from that. She was so scared she nearly had a fucking heart attack because I couldn’t figure out why she was so afraid. That’ll never happen again.

Her eyes are loosely trained on mine for a moment before she nods and lets me lay my hands on her bare sides. I don’t start pulling at her underwear right away, she needs to ease into the feeling of my touch; something she knows very well, but tends to momentarily forget when the fog takes over her mind. I make sure she’s aware of where I am and what I do, at all times. Make sure she can either see me standing in front of her, or make her look at me through the mirror when I’m behind her. Which usually makes for some real goddamn inappropriate thoughts, especially now that she needs me to take off her underwear. God, the first time with her.. I’ve never felt so fulfilled. Even when I’ve occasionally slept with women who were willing to do things that I wouldn’t know how to describe without blushing up a storm. But with her, it wasn’t like that. It hit me on a level I can’t even begin to understand. And it’s been like that ever since. We don’t do it every night, but when we do, I can’t even call it sex. Because it’s so much more than that.

Slowly she’s relaxing under my soft, barely-there caressing, and lets me unclasp her bra. My eyes stay on hers as I take my time with sliding the straps off her shoulders. She doesn’t shy away, or does anything for that matter; she just looks at me, and waits for my next move.

“Are you with me, Y/N? Can you say my name?”

She nods, but doesn’t speak.

“C’mon doll, you know how it works; say it” I urge her gently, squeezing her sides for emphasis.

She stares at me for another few seconds, then her eyes start to roll back, in a way that seems unnatural. Her eyes close after there’s only white left to see, and she collapses.

“Y/N!” I barely catch her when her knees give out, and I’m forced to the floor of the bathroom with her in my arms.

“Y/N? Hey. Come on, wake up” my mind is shorting out. This has never happened before; she’s still breathing, her heart is still beating regularly, but she wont wake up. Why the fuck wont she wake up?

“FRIDAY! Get Banner and Rogers in here, NOW!” I don’t even realise I’m yelling at a damn AI and don’t register her response.

“Sweetheart.. Please, just open your eyes for me, come on”

If she doesn’t wake up soon, I’ll lose my mind. My heart keeps beating faster and faster with each passing second. She’s still breathing fine, as if she’s asleep in my arms, but she still wont fucking wake up.

“Y/N, wake up. Please. Please, just look at me. Tell me you’re okay” I think I’m crying, drops fall on her cheeks, but they’re not hers.

“Bucky?! Where are you!”

Steve. “In here!”

“Buck-.. shit. What the hell happened?” Steve rushes into the bathroom, shutting off the water first, apparently the bath is flowing over and flooding the floor.

“I- I don’t know” I don’t recognise my own voice, it’s hoarse and trembling with tears; when I really just want to scream. “She passed out, just like that. She- she wont wake up, Stevie. Why wont she wake up?”

“It’s gonna be okay, Buck. She’ll be okay. Did you call Bruce?”

I barely manage a nod in response. She still wont wake up. How long has she been out?

“James, wh-, oh no. What happened?” Bruce immediately goes into rescue-mode and drops to his knees, listening to her heartbeat. He checks her breathing while I try my absolute best to explain exactly what happened before she passed out.

“We have to get her to medical, right now” Bruce said decisively and they both let me carry her there, while they make sure the way is clear for me to hurry there. She’s still almost completely naked, spare of her panties, but I don’t have time to fuss about that now. She needs to wake up.

Goddamnit.

She needs to fucking wake up. 

Steve forces me to let her go, let Bruce do his job, and drags me out of the lab with all the strength he has.

We’ve been waiting for four hours, when Bruce walks out, looking absolutely worn out and.. defeated? Is that what that look is? Defeat?

Oh no. No no no no.

“What?” I manage to croak out around the panic that’s settling in my gut.

“Her vitals are fine” Bruce starts with a sigh.

That’s good news, right?

“She’s not in immediate danger” he continues.

Okay.. so?

“But she’s still out. She’s-.. she’s in a coma, James”

If my world hasn’t fallen apart in the past five hours, it sure as hell is crumbling completely by now.

“I’m not sure how, but I’ll do a full-body scan tomorrow after I do some more testing. We don’t know exactly what she’s been through these past years. She might have significant trauma we didn’t know about. It might have been lying dormant until now”

“But.. she was fine” I can hear myself mumble, knowing it doesn’t help or make any sense right now. “She was doing good. Getting better..”

“Buck..” I feel Steve’s comforting hand on my shoulder. “Bruce is gonna do what he can, okay? She’s in good hands”

“But she was fine, Stevie” I’m still mumbling, staring into nothingness, as if I’m trying to find the goddamn reason for this to happen to her after all she’s already been through.

“James” I hear Bruce call out to me, but it’s just not hitting home.

“James, you’re in shock. You need to sit down, breathe” he says and forces me on a nearby chair. They make me drink water and mimic their breathing, and it helps bring me back to a level of answering and understanding. But it only hurts more. She’s in a coma. A goddamn coma! What is this? A goddamn soap-opera?

“Shh, Bucky, it’ll okay” Steve puts an arm around my shoulders and pulls me in. I didn’t realise I was crying until he wiped my tears away with the sleeves of his sweater. “She’ll be okay”

“She’s in a coma, Stevie” my voice croaks again, and it doesn’t even surprise me anymore.

“I know, pal. I know, I’m so sorry”

“I love her, Stevie”

“I know you do, Buck. She knows it too”

“What if she doesn’t make it?”

PART 11:

“I’m sorry, sir”

“No-..” I huff out a laugh. “Sweetheart, don’t call me sir. You know this. Just tell me what’s bothering you, please?”

She looks at me and tries a smile, but it vanishes the moment it appears. “I don’t know, Bucky. I’m tired, I guess”

Okay, that’s something.

“d’You wanna take a nap then, doll?” I wrap my arms around her tighter, prompting a content sigh from her.

“I’d like that” she mumbles, snuggling into me more.

“Alright then, sweetheart” I hoist her up in my arms and carry her towards the bedroom. She’s still light as a feather.

I help her take off her clothes and put her in one of my shirts; yeah, guilty, I love seeing her in them. A silent reminder of her being all mine, possessive.

“Bucky?”

“Yeah, sweetheart?”

“I’m sorry I’m so difficult”

That stings. I’m not sure why it hurts as much as it does. But it does. She thinks she’s a burden; difficult, she says. For fuck sake. I love her, I’d fucking do anything for her. She needs to know that.

“Baby, I want you to listen to me” my voice is shaky, but authoritative.

This gets her attention. A command.

“You’re not difficult. I want you here, I love you. I don’t know any other way to tell you this, sweetheart. I’m not good with words..”

She looks at me, all of her attention on me, and working hard to do so.

“I-.. I could show you.. if you want me to”

Her glassy eyes seem to get brighter.

“Show me how?” she says, seemingly completely coherent.

“Stop me if this isn’t what you want right now, okay?” I can’t think of anything else to say, so again, I move to physical action.

She watches me intently as I move to lay on top of her, looking for doubt or rejection in her eyes, finding none.

“I wish I could tell you what you mean to me, baby” I whisper to her, slowly skimming my hand up her shirt. “This is the only way I know how”

“I want you to show me, Bucky” she whispers and quickly locks her arms around my waist, as if she’s afraid I’d disappear.

There’s no more words after that. Too intimate, too close; though not close enough. Whatever clothes we’re wearing are lost on the floor somewhere. Her body is warm, soft, and the picture of complete perfection. I could kick myself for words that fail me, but whatever I say wouldn’t even come close to what I’d want her to understand.

All that’s on my mind when I’m inside of her is how much I need her, how much I love her. That’s all that falls from my lips when they’re not occupied by her own.

No sweet nothings are exchanged, only the truth of ‘I love you’s’ and the fact that neither of us will ever be alone again.

“Bucky.. Hey. Buck, wake up”

Steve. Always with the bad timing.

“Hey, pal” he smiles softly. “How long have you been here?”

I look up at him and then at Y/N, who’s still motionless, except for her breathing, in the luxurious version of a hospital bed. We’re surrounded by machines that are wired to her body in every which way. The bright sunlight washes over the room is amplified by the white and light blue on the wall. She’s been here for three days, so have I. I can’t leave her. She hates it when she wakes up and I’m not there.. What if she wakes up, and I’m not by her side?

“Buck, have you.. have you been here all this time?”

Steve’s voice is laced with worry and compassion. Somehow it’s something I can’t handle right now. So I just nod.

“I can take over if you want? You can take a rest, have a shower?”

“No! Goddamnit!”

I really don’t mean to lash out at him. He’s only trying to help. But I can’t think straight, all I can think about is her and how she needs to wake up, she needs to snap the fuck out of it.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have..” Steve sighs. He knows. He understands.

“I’m scared, Stevie”

I’ve never sounded this weak before; and it scares me even more.

Before I know it, Steve has his arms around me. Sometimes, even for him, words fall short.

“She’ll make it, Buck. I know she will” he says, sounding very sure of her and himself, and it somehow gives me hope.

Goddamn hope. What good does that do?

Bruce clears his throat behind us.

“Hey” he smiles awkwardly, “I have the results of the brain scan we did..”

“And?” Steve gets up and walks over to Bruce, as where I stay at Y/N’s side, still holding her hand. I haven’t let go since she was placed in this room.

“We found a blood clot. It’s causing an obstruction, which is the reason she’s in a coma. We have to remove it”

“Brain surgery?” I snapped my attention away from her beautiful face for a second.

“Yes” Bruce says as he closes the folder.

“Will she wake up?”

Bruce sighed. “We can’t be sure, Bucky”

“Who’s we?” Steve suddenly interjects.

“I called in a friend of mine. Neurosurgeon, he’s the best around” Bruce said, though I’m only half listening.

“Who?”

“His name is Dr Stephen Strange”

———

“Thank you for helping us with this, Dr Strange”

“No problem, Dr Banner. You told me she’s been held captive for three years?” Dr Strange shook his hand and accepted the brain scan images with his free hand.

“Well, we don’t know exactly how long. But yes, that’s what we suspect”

“And she’s been kept in a submissive-like state for all that time?” Dr Strange grimaced, still studying the images.

“Yes. She hasn’t told us much in detail, and all she did, she told James” Bruce nodded, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I think that at first she did that because she thought of him as her new.. owner. Now he’s the only one she trusts”

“So he managed to get her out of that state?” Dr Strange looked up at Bruce, fascination written all over his face.

“Up to a point, yes. According to him, she still needs commands sometimes, to feel balanced, we assume. And she gets lost in her own head a lot. That’s exactly what happened before she slipped into the coma”

Dr Strange nodded. “I see” his voice trailed. “I don’t think this is a blood clot, Dr Banner”

Bruce raised his eyebrows. “Then what do you make of it? I’m not an expert on the human brain, but it looks like a clot to me”

“Sure, to the untrained eye, maybe. But see these edges?” he pointed towards the dark spot on the image. “Those are too straight to be a blood clot. It’s too neat. I think this isn’t something her body caused”

“You’re saying..” Bruce took a deep breath. “You’re saying some one implanted something in her brain?”

“I’m afraid so”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. This can’t be happening; this can’t be right. Of all the horror she’s been through, of all the shit she had to endure.. Hydra planted something in her head. They cut her open.. cut her goddamn skull open, and put something in there.

“See, by the way it’s implanted, and the location, it might explain the submission. It’s implanted right in the prefrontal cortex; the major part of the brain that controls logical thinking and reason. She hasn’t only been conditioned to submit, she’s being forced to do so”

“Will she be okay if you remove it?” I speak up, and by the way both men are startled, I can tell they didn’t notice me listening in. Ex-assassin; has its perks.

“You must be Mr Barnes” Dr Strange gives me a small smile, slight smugness bleeds through, but I’m too tired and yet too focussed to call upon it.

“I am. Will she be okay? Please, just tell me”

“She should be fine after we remove whatever they implanted. We can never be sure” Dr Strange speaks as if he does this every day. Well, he probably does. The brain surgery, I mean.

“That’s the best you can do?” I know I’m being rude, but I just can’t take this anymore. I need her in my arms, awake and preferably smiling at me or kissing me, either one would be a goddamn dream come true.

“I’m afraid so” he smiles, friendly, no smugness this time.

“He’s the best there is, James. She’s in good hands” Bruce smiled as well and all I can do is roll over and take their word for it.

“It’s not to say that she’ll be back to her old self again. The mannerisms might be embedded too deep to just be solved by removing the obstruction. That takes a different approach” Dr Strange added.

“Yeah. We’re workin’ on that” I mumbled and left the two doctors to finish their preparations.

I’ve never felt so fucking powerless.

———

“How long have they been in there?” Natasha walks up to us and hands me and Steve a cup of coffee.

“About two hours” Steve sighs. He’s been waiting with me while Y/N is in surgery, fucking brain surgery, might I add. Fuck. If I think of all the things that could go wrong.

But I can’t think about that. I shouldn’t. Bruce said this Doctor Strange is the best in his field, and that she’s in good hands.

I hate falling apart like this. I don’t show it on the outside, I’m good at that; masking these feelings. Years of being emotionless, or conditioned to be so have taught me well, I suppose. Though I don’t know what I’ll do if she doesn’t make it. I feel I might go insane if Bruce or that Doctor Strange guy comes through the door and tells me she’s gone.

“James?”

Oh no.

Blood rushes down to my feet, leaving nothing to run through my head and it’s making me feel dizzy. On full autopilot I rush to my feet, needing to steady myself, and needing Steve to help me do it. I don’t dare to look Bruce in the eye, but my body moves of its own volition. I meet his gaze but I’m too numb to read any emotion on his face.

“How is she?”

Of course Natasha is the only one daring to ask the burning question.

“She seems to be fine” Bruce smiles weakly.

“Seems to be?” I choke out, worry etching in my gut.

“The procedure went well. We managed to get the obstruction out. But now, all we can do is wait; there’s no telling what she’ll be like if.. when she wakes up”

If..

“There’s still a chance she wont wake up?”

I’m close to tears. How is this happening? Usually I’m in complete control, but I can hear the metal plates in my arm shift as I clench my fist, hoping to keep the hopelessness and utter misplaced rage inside that way.

“I’m sorry, James. There’s no telling what happens now. She’ll be back in the room in half an hour” Bruce smiled apologetically and disappeared again through the doors.

“C’mon, Buck. You need to rest” Steve spoke softly, trying to get me to come with him.

“No. I need to be there with her”

He sighed. “Okay, fine. Just.. at least take a shower, alright? It might do you some good. She wont be there for another 30 minutes”

I don’t know why, but I let him and Natasha drag me away from the hall and the med bay. They let me shower in their apartment, probably to keep an eye on me. As promised, I’m back in the room just before a few nurses of what I assume is Doctor Strange’s staff bring her back in. They flash me some empathetic smiles before leaving again, making way for Doctor Strange himself to step in.

“You’re very loyal to her” he says, blankly. Not a shred of emotion.

“I’m loyal to the people I love” I realise it comes out rude, but I don’t  have the energy to be polite.

Silence fills the room for a few moments as I sit by her bed, holding her hand, as I have been for the past week.

“I think she’ll wake up” Strange suddenly says, capturing my attention.

“Y-you do?”

“Yes. Her brain activity is normal. She’s just resting now. But she’ll need you more than before when she wakes up. First of all, you’ll need to be the one to explain to her why she’s missing a patch of hair” he motions to the side of her head. Now that I take a good look at it, it looks kinda badass on her.

“Second; if I understand correctly, and I always do, the implant we took out was messing with basic logical thinking and her ability to make rational decisions. Doctor Banner told me about all the work you’ve done with her. You might have to start over again”

“I don’t give a fuck” I heard myself whisper through my tears, the ones I’ve been keeping in for days; finally spilling over. “As long as she’ll be okay”

“She will be” he smiles at me and nods, taking his leave.

I’m left alone with her again, and before I can compose myself a sob escapes me and makes way for the rest of the goddamn waterworks.

For three more days she’s out; not in a coma, but sleeping, as Doctor Strange said, and Bruce confirmed. Exactly three days, four hours and 41 minutes after her surgery she wakes up.

Her beautiful eyes open up slowly, it takes her a few minutes to realise that she’s in a hospital bed. It doesn’t take her even a second to recognise me.

“Bucky?” her voice croaked, and she sounds scared. “What’s going on? W-what happened?”

“Shh, baby, it’s okay. You’re okay. Calm down”

“I don’t understand, Bucky” she’s crying. “Is it Hydra?”

“No, baby, no. I’d never let that happen. You were sick, but you’re okay now”

She still wont calm down, she’s breathing heavily, her eyes darting around the room as if she’s looking for an escape route.

“Hey, sweetheart, please. I promise, everything’s okay”

I just don’t know what else to say; once again my words fall short. Before I know what I’m doing, I get into bed with her, careful of the wires and tubes still attached to her as I wrap my arms around her tightly. Keeper her close to me, keeping her warm; safe.

I’m glad to see this still works.

“I’m never gonna let anyone hurt you, sweetheart”

“I love you” she whispers, shaky, but certain.

“I love you too, doll. Fuck, I love you so goddamn much”

I’ve never said something that was more true. She’s okay, she’s gonna be okay; and she’s mine.

PART 12

“I remember trying to fight, but something always stopped me. As if there was some instinct telling me that I had to beneath him; that it was where I belonged. After a while it felt as if there were two of me in one body, and the one I knew was me lost more ground every day. I don’t know how long it took for me to give up. I hadn’t seen the light of day in so long, I lost track of time. Eventually it just seemed easier and more logical to obey and do as I was told. It got easier after that realisation, but the torture never stopped. He was nicer to me, gave me rewards when I did good but every small indiscretion had to be punished”

She pauses and takes a deep breath, her whole body is trembling and her eyes occasionally shift warily between me and Natasha.

“Y/N?” I give her hand a gentle squeeze to let her know she’s not alone in this. “It’s okay if you want to stop..”

“No” she sighs, “No, I want to do this”

Natasha smiles from across the table. “You’re very brave, Y/N. There’s no rush, just take your time”

Y/N nods and takes another deep breath, less shaky this time.

“I don’t know how long I was there for. I was hoping you could tell me that” she looks at Natasha, no emotion showing on her features. “The last thing I remember is the attack on New York, I was at work and Carson came to pick me up from the hospital. My shift just ended, but I remember wanting to stay, I told him I had to help. There were so many injured..” she pauses and furrows her brow, as if she’s trying to recollect her memories. “But he wouldn’t let me. He wouldn’t listen to a thing I was saying and just dragged me out of there and put me in a car; a car I’d never seen before. There were two other men with him, they looked like bodyguards and I just didn’t understand what was going on. But I knew I was in trouble, somehow. I didn’t trust it. I tried to run, but one of them sedated me. I remember a dull pain in my neck. I’m only assuming.. But I blacked out, and when I came too, I was in that cell”

My heart keeps beating faster and faster the more she tells us. Too bad Jones is already dead, because I’d love to fucking kill him right now. She really has been captive for three years.. Three whole goddamn years of hell.

Shit.

“Has anyone told you the date? Or even the year we’re living in?” Natasha shot me a judging look.

“Hey! We had other things on our plate, okay?” I hold up a hand in defence.

“It’s not his fault” Y/N squeezes my hand gently. “I didn’t want to know. But I do now”

Natasha sighs, “You’ve been in captivity for three years. The week before Barnes found you was the ‘anniversary’ of the New York attack”

Y/N nodded slowly, seemingly taking the news extremely well; until a tear rolled down her cheek and she broke down. Heartbreaking sobs filled the silence in the room, her shoulders hunched forward as she threatened to buckle forward completely.

Natasha made to say something, probably wanted to try and take her mind off it, but I silenced her, knowing Y/N had to work through this.

“We’ll continue this another time”

That, and a look in Natasha’s direction was enough to have her leave us alone.

“C’mon, doll. Lets get out of here”

As much as the conference room wasn’t anything intimidating, not as much as an interrogation room anyway, this wasn’t the place for her to work through this. She’s vulnerable, the urge to protect her in the comfort of my- our- home is taking over. All I want to do is take her in my arms and carry her to safety; she’s not even in immediate danger.

Wonder what I’d do if she’s in actual fucking danger..

“Bucky..” she cries softly, the sheer desperation in her eyes when she looks up at me is enough to trigger those instincts.

It seems to be exactly what she wants; she curls into me when I hoist her up in my arms, still sobbing quietly.

“I got you, baby”

PART 12

If anyone were to ask me: ‘what’s the one thing you want most in your life?’, I wouldn’t even have to think twice about my answer. Because the one thing I want, is for Y/N to be okay and happy. Second to that is, that I want her to be happy with me. And for now, she is; but today I woke up with a determination to make her happier.

If only I knew how. I can’t for the life of me think of anything. Saying that I don’t have a romantic bone in my body would be an understatement. Still, this woman makes me want to change that; she makes me want to do things I’ve never done before. If only I could fucking figure out what those things are.

I have no idea what I’m supposed to do; I realise that I don’t really know what she likes. I know her on a deeply personal level, intimately. I know what to do when she gets lost, how to comfort her, how to touch her and love her. All of these things I know, by heart. I mostly do these things automatically, don’t even have to think about them anymore.

But I hardly know anything about her other than that. I find myself craving to know about her, about her life before Hydra ripped her away from it. This is one thing I wont be able to solve physically. Well, not just physically.

I’m always awake at least an hour before her, I never get out of bed before she wakes up though. She still needs me next to her; she’s always slightly disoriented and needs me to remind her that she’s safe and sound. A few days ago she told me something; I couldn’t hold back the tears this time.

“You’re my anchor, Bucky. I’m-.. I’m sorry I’m putting this all on you, but you make me feel safe” 

I’ve never looked at some one and felt so goddamn fuzzy; at the same time a fear settles within me. The shit that happened to her, the shit that happened to me. Everything that keeps happening around us. The world is a dangerous place, as cheesy as that sounds. What if she’s taken away from me? What if she wants to be with me, like I want her to be; but some one or something just takes her away? She was in a coma for over a week; she passed out, without warning, and slipped into a fucking coma. What if it happens again, and she doesn’t wake up?

Speaking of waking up.

“Hey” her voice is thick with sleep, it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever heard. It’s what I want to hear every morning for the rest of my life.

“Hey sweetheart”

I didn’t know I could hurt my face with smiling, but shit, my smile is so goddamn wide it hurts.

“What’re you doing?” she sleepily nuzzles her face in the crook of my neck, my skin tingles when she sighs, her breath fanning over me softly.

“Nothin’ baby, just waiting for you to wake up”

“Were you watching me sleep again?”

“Maybe”

“You’re a creep and I love you” she mumbles.

Sometimes she’s so random and so goddamn cute.

“I love you too” I chuckled, kissing the top of her head and tightening my arms around her. “I don’t have to be anywhere today..”

“Really” she smirks, I can feel the movement against my skin. “what are you trying to say here, Mr Barnes?”

“I’m trying to say that I want to stay in bed with you for a few more hours”

She hums approvingly.

“Does Bruce need you today?”

“No, next week” she mumbles, evidently liking my proposal because she’s already falling back asleep.

“I didn’t mean sleep some more with ‘staying in bed’, sweetheart” I trail my hands down her back, hoping she’ll go for it. I’m usually not this suggestive or forward with her, but there’s something stirring inside me, nagging annoyingly and it wants me to bury myself in her, fast.

She looks up at me, eyebrows raised and a small smirk crossing her lips.

“Then what did you mean” she tries to keep her grin from spreading, but it’s failing miserably.

“I meant..” I let my voice draw out as I gently push her to her back with my whole body, trapping her underneath me loosely. “That I could show you how much I adore you, doll”

“For a few hours?” she raised her eyebrows, a smile still gracing her features.

“If you’ll let me”

We’re all smiles and giggles, like two fucking rays of sunshine, happy and completely oblivious to whatever shitstorms are happening around the world outside of our bubble.

As I’ve said before, bubbles are fragile and they fucking suck. I need a freakin’ steel wall or somethin’. Though I’m pretty sure steel walls are no match for Captain -fucking- America.

“Buck! You around?” he calls out carefully, probably just peeking his head around the door. Which is smart. He doesn’t want a repeat of the last time he barged in.

“Ugh” I sigh deeply and drop my head in the crook of Y/N’s neck. “How does he always have such impeccable timing?” I muttered grumpily, rolling off her body slowly and immediately missing her warmth.

“He’s your friend, Bucky” she giggled, “get over there”

I groaned and whined but did as I was told.

“Bucky?”

“I’m here, Steve. I’ll be right out” I called out to him, quickly grabbing some boxershorts and sweatpants before he’d barge in here. I subconsciously throw the covers back over Y/N’s exposed body and leave her in our bed with a kiss to her lips.

Unfortunately the stirring inside hasn’t stopped as of yet. I still want to get up on her and just make love with her all goddamn morning, skip lunch, and make love wit her some more. The hard-on that’s been conspiring with the urge I’ve been trying to hold down as much as I can hasn’t made to leave yet, and my sweatpants isn’t doing a damn thing to hide it. Regardless I walk out to the living room, meeting Steve on the couch, looking slightly out of it.

“Hey man, somethin’ wrong?”

He looks up at me and gives me a less than convincing smile. “No.. I-.. maybe”

“Um, okay. What’s that supposed to mean?” I cock an eyebrow at him, taking note of the rustling coming from the bedroom. Y/N’s either repositioning herself under the warmth of the covers, or she’s getting out of bed. Please, let her be repositioning. After I’ve worked Steve out of the door, I plan on picking up right where we left off.

“Natasha and I.. we had a fight” Steve sighed, leaning back on the couch, raking his fingers through his hair.

Now I feel guilty of wanting to work him out the door. But damn it, I still want to.

“Shit; I’m sorry, pal” I can’t just send him on his merry way now. “What happened?”

“I don’t even know. I have no idea what I did. We were talking about her next mission, and all of a sudden she went off on me” Steve threw his hands up in frustration.

There’s more shuffling in the bedroom, and before I know it, Y/N is walking out the door in her sweatshorts and one of my shirts; and wearing a bra underneath them too. Goddamnit.

“Morning, Steve” she smiles sweetly, quickly carding her fingers through my hair as she walks by the couch and towards the kitchen.

My eyes follow her until she disappears out of sight.

“I see there’s no trouble in your paradise?” Steve chuckles, capturing my attention.

“Huh?”

He laughs softly and shakes his head. “I’ve never seen such a lovesick look on your face, Buck. It’s endearing”

I roll my eyes at him and clear my throat, making the situation more awkward for me than it already was.

“Did I.. disturb you two?” Steve suddenly asks in a hushed tone, his eyes have widened slightly.

“Did you- what? What are you talking about?”

“Well, not that I was lookin’ but..” he points towards my waist.

Oh. Right. He’s not pointing at my waist. He’s pointing lower.

With a sigh I grab one of the cushions from behind me and drop it on my crotch. That hard-on is still going strong.

“It’s fine, Steve. I’ve got all day with her” God, I hope that sounded sincere. “Just tell me what happened with Romanoff”

“I- uh, right” he scratches the back of his neck. “Well, she has a solo mission tomorrow. And I’m just a little worried I guess. So I told her to be careful and she flipped”

“Is this Natasha Romanoff we’re talking about?” Y/N’s voice suddenly chimes from the kitchen, and we both turn our heads to meet with a pained look on her face.

“Uh, yeah” Steve answers slowly.

“Oh, Steve..” she sighs, biting her lip with an expression that resembles a wince. Shit, she looks  so sexy when that lip is trapped between her teeth, in those shorts, in my shirt.. fuck.

“She probably thinks you’re undermining her abilities by telling her to be careful. She’s a highly trained assassin, and could probably take you out when she catches you off-guard. Which she could also easily do. She’s mad because you made it seem like you don’t think she’s capable of a solo mission”

I had no idea Y/N and Natasha had even spoken outside of the interview we did.

“But.. that’s ridiculous. She knows I trust her and that I know she can do it” Steve huffs out in surprise.

“Of course she does” Y/N smiles. “But you made it sound like you don’t. That’s gonna make her doubt you and herself”

“Natasha? I can’t imagine her doubting herself” I chuckled, still eyeing every inch of Y/N’s body. She notices and smiles shyly.

“Tell me” she starts, trying to shake off the shyness, it’s so fucking adorable. “If some one you love tells you something that sounds like they don’t trust your capabilities, would you start doubting yourself, or them? No matter how sure you are of yourself?”

I’m not so sure I’ve been paying enough attention to her anymore. She’s usually so quiet, and this must be the most she’s said to Steve in one go.

“Well I.. shit” Steve mutters, and rests his head in his hands.  “I really messed up, didn’t I?” he looks up at Y/N and she smiles sweetly.

“You did, yeah” she says bluntly, surprising me yet again. “But it’s not irreparable. Just tell her you trust her but you still worry because you love her”

Steve loses a bit of colour from his cheeks. “We-.. I haven’t told her that yet”

“But you do?” I asked him point blank, already knowing the answer.

He stares at me for a few moments, his smile peeking through slightly. “Yeah.. I do”

“Then stop being a punk, and tell her, damnit!” I jumped up, yelling at him the way I used to when he got himself in trouble. “You’re not as stupid as you let on, Rogers. Now get the fuck out and don’t come back until you’ve told her”

“Y-yeah, okay. S-sure” he stammered, still hesitating as he stood up.

“Steve” Y/N is already making her way back to our bedroom, but pauses for a minute. “If she got that mad about this, she feels the same. She’ll say it back”

Steve looks at her in surprise, but smiles, reassured, and makes his way out of our apartment.

“Since when are you a relationship therapist?” I turned to look at her and I know very well there’s an amused smirk on my face.

“I’m not. I know how the mind of a woman works” she shrugs and turns on her heel to return to the bedroom.

My eyes automatically drift towards her ass and instantly my cock expressed its interest. The slight twitch has me groaning and following her like an obedient puppy.

The moment I walk through the door she’s taking off her shirt and shorts; I’m embarrassed to say, I’m eying her like a damn predator. I have no idea what’s happening, but I’m so fucking hungry for her ever since I woke up this morning. Sure, I’m always hungry for her, I love her, I’d be in bed with her for the rest of my life if that was anything practical, but it’s not. But today it’s different; today I can hardly contain myself, and I’m honestly afraid I’m gonna hurt her if this keeps up.

“Doll..” my voice is choked and rough, and it catches me off-guard. “You’re killin’ me here”

she turns to me just as she unclasps her bra and drops it to the floor, her expression completely innocent and oblivious to my statement.

“What do you mean?” she asks as she crawls back into bed.

“I-.. I don’t know what’s goin’ on with me, but I just..” I sighed out a small string of curses. “I’m so goddamn horny, I’m afraid I’m gonna tear you apart”

She looks at me with a puzzled look on her face, maybe she’s surprised at my bluntness. Though I doubt it. She’s used to that openness.

“You’re afraid you can’t hold back?” she asks gently, patiently. What did I ever do to deserve her?

“Yeah. I don’t want to hurt you, doll”

“I know, Bucky. And I know you wont hurt me. You couldn’t” she holds out her hand to me; I’m hesitant to take it at first, but that something that’s controlling me wills my body towards her.

From the moment my knees sink into our mattress, I’m gone. She’s so close, and so very naked. And I’m so very goddamn excited.

With all the willpower I have in me, I ease myself on top of her, in between her legs. Her neck is bared to me and I just can’t stop myself; before I realise what I’m doing my mouth is on her skin, my tongue lapping at her collarbone before moving up to the nape of her neck.

“Oh! Bucky!” she squeals when I sink my teeth into her flesh. It’s not a cry of pain; that’s definitely pleasure.

I keep the pressure on her flesh until my teeth are imprinted thoroughly; it’s a mark that’ll linger for a while.

“You’re mine” I growled at her, I fucking growled. At her. What the hell is happening?

“Only yours, Bucky. Always” she answers breathily. Her pupils are blown and her eyes are watering.

“Shit. Baby, you with me?” A slight panic settles in my stomach. Have I triggered her?

“I’m fine, Bucky” she whispers, nosing my cheek sweetly and smiling. She’s coherent.

“I thought.. I’m sorry”

“It’s okay. I know you’re taking care of me, Bucky”

“I love you so fuckin’ much, baby” I take her lips in an almost frantic kiss. “Do you have any idea how much I love you? Fuck”

There’s more frantic kissing, touching, I need all of her on all of me, all at once. It’s as if I haven’t seen her for days, as if I haven’t touched her for years. I feel like I’m starved of her, like something has kept her from me and I’ve finally gotten her back.

PART 13

There’s no way to describe what’s happening. I don’t even think I understand it; not really. I’m so hyperaware of every move she makes, every move I make; every little muscle twitch, every gasp that leaves her lips. I’m not even inside her yet and she has me moaning and panting as if I’m close to my finish. It feels like I am. I’ve been so wound up since I woke up, the animal has made its presence known once again, and it’s not gonna leave me the fuck alone until.. I don’t really know when it’s gonna leave me alone.

“Bucky..” she sighs and pulls me even closer, trying to get me to cover her body with mine. But something stops me. Not entirely, I couldn’t; not now. Nothing could keep me from burying myself into her balls deep, even if it were the end of the goddamn world.

We’ve only done this one way. One position. Apparently the animal has a different idea of how we’re supposed to do this.

“Turn to your side for me, baby” I hardly recognise my own voice, though the rest of me.. my entire body is so high strung, I’m aware of every pore, every hair on my head.

There’s a split second of confusion on her face; it melts away as soon as it came and the trust is back in here eyes. She does as she’s told, exposing the curve of her back to me for a small moment before I cover it with me front. Her skin is soft, warm; it feels so good it nearly hurts. I’m cuddling her close, pressing every inch of me against her, my hips slowly rutting against her behind. My cock instantly slips between her cheeks, making both of us inhale sharply.

“I love you” she whispers, it sounds distant and it makes sense. It makes sense like I’ve never understood anything else but that statement.

“I love you, baby. You feel so good” this time I do recognise my voice. I also notice that I sound wrecked as hell.

My arms are wrapped around her middle as I’m trying to touch every inch of skin I can reach.

How did I become so fucking desperate? I’m touching her as if it’s the last time I’ll ever be able to. I’m holding her close as if she might disappear or be ripped away from me at any moment.

It’s a bit messy, not rushed, but messy in a needy way. Her hands find mine on her breasts and belly, moving down towards her core to get her to say my name the way I just love to hear. She presses down on my fingers, metal and flesh, just to feel it more.

I usually don’t use the metal appendage to touch her like this; usually we get lost in each other when I’m laying on top of her, and I lean on the metal so I can look at her. The flesh hand is mostly caught in her hair; the level of intimacy is always something too intense to talk about.

She seems to want me to touch her with my metal fingers; maybe she noticed that I haven’t really done that up until now. Honestly I haven’t consciously avoided it, but I know myself well enough to know that I keep it at safe distance from moments of such intimacy. Not now, though. As all other parts of me, I’m hyperaware of the feel of metal touching skin; her skin. I sort of feel with it; I feel the impact of a bullet, a punch or kick in training from Steve, a punch when it makes contact with any training equipment that I deal myself. The nerves are only so sensitive to be useful in combat. But when I touch her now, when she touches me, it seems like the sensitivity is dialled up to maximum capacity.

“Oh! Bucky!” a high-pitched gasp leaves her lips, that’s exactly what I was looking for.

My cock is sliding up and down between her cheeks, I could get off by just doing this. Circling her clit with my metal fingers, her hand pressing down on it to gain more friction, my cock rock hard against her soft warmth. It feels so fucking good. The only reason I don’t let go now is the knowledge of something even better, and I gently push for exactly that. I nuzzle my face into the side of her neck, pressing gentle kisses just under hear ear and she whispers my name again.

Fuck, this feels so good. I’m angling my hips down and my cock slips between her thighs, rubbing against her entrance. She’s wet, and hot and it takes every shred of willpower not to plow into her right away.

“Bucky, please” she whines softly, my fingers are still working on her core, sliding down from her clit between her folds, just nearly stopping short from her entrance.

“I know, baby” Fuck. I know. It’s a need that keeps urging, that just keeps nagging to push forward and take what’s right there. “Fuck, sweetheart. I really don’t want to hurt you. Fuck; this is so hard” I’m struggling to keep it together. Every instinct to pound into her is suppressed, but it’s beginning to boil over.

“I’m not made of glass, Bucky” she squeezes my hand on her breast.

I know that, damnit. But I’m a goddamn super soldier and I’m scared I’ll break you in half if I let go.

“I know, baby” is all I can choke out at the moment. I need to be inside her, now. Before the build up is too much and I lose control.

She whines at the loss of my metal fingers on her clit, but is soon writhing against it when I stroke it over her ass quickly and push a finger inside of her. She squirms and moans, chanting my name. wanting more and more; what can I do but give it to her?

“Shit, baby. You’re so wet. Fuck. You ready?” I’m babbling, I know; I’ve lost almost all sense of control.

“Yes, Bucky, please” she breathes, and the moment she says so, I’m gone.

I pulled out my finger, a bit faster than I intend to, and whatever shred of control I have left I pour into the movement of my hips. I can’t hurt her, I can’t. I’d never forgive myself.

Ever so slowly I slide inside of her; it feels so goddamn good that it hurts. It’s too slow, too much at once. Every slight twitch of her around me sends a heatwave through my entire body, it’s electric.

All the fear of hurting her, losing her, having to set her free goes away.

My movements are slow, gentle, even the metal hand I have resting on her hip has a light touch to it.

“Oh.. Bucky” she sighs, I can tell it’s coming from the depth of her soul; she’s so goddamn beautiful. She feels so goddamn good.

The mark I left on her neck is an angry red and it’s staring at me; she moaned when I did that. She liked it; I fucking loved it. Everyone around can see; everyone can see that she’s mine. Only mine.

Every slow thrust pushes a moan from my throat, every time I bottom out praise slips past my lips. All I can do is tell her how beautiful she is, how good she feels, how much I love her.

God, do I fucking love her.

She’s more vocal than usual, forceful too. She’s gripping my hand as if there’s nothing else keeping her sane, her eyes are shut, her lips slightly parted; she’s never looked more beautiful.

“Baby, fuck, baby I’m gonna cum. I can’t- ah! fuck”

It’s over before I want to, before she gets to have hers. That’s not gonna fuckin’ fly. Hell no. She moans at my climax; loving the push and pull while I’m on this high.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I couldn’t-.. oh fuck.. that was so goddamn good”

She giggles quietly, “Don’t worry about it, Bucky”

She means it. What the hell have I ever done to deserve this amazing woman?

Still, it’s not gonna fly.

“Oh no, baby. No no no no. You’re not gonna get rid of me that easily”

Oh, no. She’s definitely not.

I pull her to her back and place a kiss on the mark I gave her. “I’m gonna make you feel good, baby”

She hums happily, “You always make me feel good”

I chuckled at her, she’s fucking adorable. “gonna make you feel even better, sweetheart”

Before she can say anything, I’ve already moved my metal hand down, my fingers penetrate her and I take so much pleasure out of the blissful look on her face.

She moans and writhes against me, her back arches and I trail my lips down to her breasts. Her moans become louder as I lap my tongue over her nipple; the sound of my name echoes through the room.

“You gonna cum for me, sweetheart?” I tease her, gently taking the skin of her breast between my teeth. “C’mon baby,” I drag my lips over her skin up to her ear. “cum for me”

One last moan, which sounds more like a scream, leaves her lips and she chants my name. I’ll never get tired of hearing that.

“Oh fuck, baby.. fuck. You’re so beautiful”

“Holy shit” she breathes and runs a hand through her hair. She’s never cursed before.

“That good, huh?” I grinned at her and she huffs out a laugh.

“Yeah. That good”

———

The rest of the day we spend in bed, talking, cuddling, making love. We only pause to shower, which we eventually use for that same purpose. It’s probably the best day of my life.

Unfortunately, all good things come to an end. I’m in bed with her when I get the call from Steve, an urgent mission has come up and everyone is called in. Something about aliens in the desert or some shit. I really don’t want to go, I feel like I wont be able to breathe without her by my side. But I know Steve is for real when he says he even called in the spider-kid, Thor and Bruce. This is going down, whether I want to or not.

“I’ll be okay, baby. I always am” we’re standing at the door of our apartment. She’s wrapped in a soft robe; she’s safe.

“I have a bad feeling, Bucky..” the small line between her eyebrows tells me she’s uncomfortable.

“Don’t, sweetheart. It’ll be okay. I promise” I lean in and kiss her, slowly and gently. I don’t tell her that I have that same feeling. No need to worry her. The most important thing right now is that she’s safe, and she will be, given the newest security measures in the compound.

I know she’ll be restless, I also know she’s strong enough to hold it out until I get back.

I tell her I love her one more time, although I want to say it again, and again. But I feel that if I start now, I’ll never be able to stop.

She tells me she loves me back, and tells me I have to be careful. I can only tell her yes, and kiss her head before I leave.

———

I’m glad I didn’t tell her I had the same gut feeling. I’m glad I got to spend all day with her before this shit happened. I think Steve’s the one who carried me to the jet, has to be, really; no one else could. Hulk was still pouncing on aliens and Thor was somewhere deep into ‘alien territory’ trying to bring down what Tony called the ‘fucking Deathstar’. I’m guessing that was a reference to somethin’, I got no idea to what though. He just told me to finally watch goddamn Star Wars just before something hit me in the back. I heard Steve call out to me, then Natasha, then even Tony. Next thing I know, I’m being rolled into the sickbay, and Y/N is crying; calling out my name.

Everything around me is a blur, except for her voice. Her distress. And when she comes to my side, she’s clear as day.

I want to tell her it’s gonna be fine, but I can’t seem to get a sound out of my mouth. Then something changes within her; a fierce look in her eyes appears and she gives me the smallest of smiles.

“It’s gonna be okay, Bucky. I promise”

PART 14

“I tell you, Buck. She was on damn fire” Steve whispered with a proud smile.

Her body’s curled around me on the hospital bed, in the same room she was in not so long ago. Steve tells me she’s been sleeping for a few hours, and I wont be the one waking her up. I’m way too comfortable with her like this, even if it is in a room in the med-bay.

“How long did Bruce say it’ll take for me to heal?”

Steve shrugged, “Probably be good to go back to your apartment tomorrow. You’ll still be sore for a few days though”

“Yeah” I grunted as I tried to shift my position without waking Y/N up. “I can tell”

“I’ll leave you to rest, Buck. Feel better, alright?” Steve whispered and gave me a look of warning, silently ordering me to stay in bed, at least until tomorrow.

Usually I’d challenge him, and myself. I hate hospitals, though this isn’t actually a hospital, they did a real job on the decor to make it look like one. I guess I should praise myself lucky that we have an extensive medical facility in the compound. No need for hospitals. Even when it came to brain surgery, apparently.

I took a bad hit in the back with some energy beam the alien-assholes used that were pretty similar to Tony’s repulsers; only, these were a lot stronger. They burned right through my armour and if the hit had been a little more to the right, if I’d have turned the wrong way at just the right time, my spine would’ve been severed from the blow, and I’d be dead. The fact that I’m still alive, I owe to Y/N. With Bruce still hulking-out and no other staff available, she treated me. Steve tells me she took charge and wouldn’t take any bullshit from anyone. She made sure the bleeding stopped, that there weren’t any broken bones, any internal bleedings, patched and stitched me up thoroughly. She’d given Captain America orders.

“Turn him over”

“Stop looking at me like an idiot and do as I say!”

“Put pressure on this while I check for other wounds”

“Take away his armour. Faster damnit!”

Steve admitted he didn’t really have an idea of what to do with damage- injury, I’m not a machine. Not anymore anyway- to such an extent and he was relieved to have Y/N there to take over and tell him what to do. I wish I could’ve seen it. The way Steve made it sound, she’d been one hell of a firecracker. It’s hard to imagine, honestly; her giving orders instead of struggling with not following them. It makes me wonder what she was like before she was captured. It makes me want to bring more of that to the surface.

She stirs and her eyes flutter open; she looks at me, it takes a few seconds for her to register that I’m looking back at her.

“Hey, doll”

She stares at me for a few more seconds, tears brimming at her eyelids. “Bucky..”

Her voice cracks slightly and it breaks my heart.

“Hey, shh, it’s okay, baby. I’m okay. Don’t cry, please” I try to get her to calm down, but some of her tears still managed to escape.

“How long have you been awake?” she whispers hoarsely, lifting herself up to look at me.

“About an hour, maybe?”

She nods and climbs out of the bed before I can stop her. I instantly miss her warmth.

“Baby-..”

She shakes her head and looks at me with unshed tears still filling her eyes.

“Stay in bed, Bucky. You need to rest” she mumbles. “I have to go talk to Bruce about your-..” she seems a little lost, trying to find words. “your release” she finishes and leaves without giving me another look.

What in the fucking hell is this?

She decides to sleep in my bed, crawl up against me, and when I wake up, she leaves, giving me the cold shoulder (no pun intended) I don’t understand. What in the hell did I do?

———

“Y/N? Steve told me James is awake, why aren’t you with him? You don’t have to come in, you know” Bruce smiles but it falters as he looks at her face. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing I-.. when can Bucky go home?” she sighs, doesn’t look him in the eye.

“Tomorrow probably, depending on his healing capabilities. I’m going to go see him in an hour to check on the wound, then I’ll be sure” he answers and watches her move around the room, cleaning up the aftermath of the rest of the Avengers that came back with minor injuries. Bucky was out for half a day, within that time the battle had been won and cleanup was already happening in the desert.

“Y/N” Bruce walks over to her and puts a careful hand on her shoulder. She doesn’t flinch like she used to. “You don’t have to be here”

“I want to be” she mumbles and moves away from him.

The doors to the lab fly open and Tony comes walking in, seemingly without a care in the world.

“Banner! Stuff to do, science to be practiced! Lets go- oh, hello” he stops in his tracks when he notices Y/N. She’d stopped her cleaning and turned to Tony when he came barging in.

“Hello” she says with a stoic expression.

“Bruce, you didn’t tell me you hired an assistant” Tony looked her over from top to bottom, a small smirk playing his lips.

“I didn’t- well, sort of. Tony, this is Y/N, Y/N, Tony” Bruce opted not to explain and just introduce the two.

“Ah, the elusive future Mrs Manchurian Candidate” Tony sticks his hand out without even twitching a muscle in his face.

“The- what?” Y/N says with a confused expression as she reluctantly shakes Tony’s hand.

“Never mind” Tony waves his hand nonchalantly, “d’You mind if I borrow Bruce for a while?”

“Um- n-no, of course not” she stammers, not really understanding why he would ask for her permission.

Tony chuckles and shakes his head lightly, “Alright, come on, Banner. So much to do, so little time”

He turns on his heel and begins to walk away; he stops when he’s halfway to the door, with Bruce on his heels. “Say, Y/N. If you ever get sick of being called ‘doll’ and living with a senior citizen, give me a call”

“Tony..” Bruce groans and rubs his face. “Inappropriate. And you better not let James hear that”

Bruce turns to Y/N, “Don’t mind him”

With that, they disappear as Tony giggles at his own jokes.

As if peace and quiet wasn’t in the books for today, Natasha walks in as soon as Bruce and Tony walk out.

“Hey, Y/N” she smiles, “I heard about how you saved Barnes. Kudos”

She nods at the redhead, “Thanks”

“Okay, what’s wrong? You’re even more quiet than usual” Natasha hops up on the table Y/N is clearing out and forces her to look into her eyes.

“Nothing, really. I’m just cleaning up” Y/N mutters as she tries to look away, but something in the woman’s gaze keeps her from it.

“We have a team for cleanup” Natasha deadpans. “I’m asking you again: what’s wrong?”

Y/N sighs and stops her ‘therapeutic’ cleaning. “It’s Bucky”

“Did something happen? Is he alright?” Natasha’s eyes widen for a second over fear of her teammate.

Y/N shakes her head, “No, it’s not that. He just.. he scared me”

Natasha nods slowly and mouthes “ooh, right”. “I see” she says softly. “Well, he’s gonna be fine, right? Those super soldiers heal fast, you know”

Y/N nods absentmindedly. “I know. But it was only an inch, Nat; an inch, and he’d be dead. I don’t know what I’d do..”

“Hey, none of that” Natasha jumps up and takes a stance that is as stern as her tone. “He’s fine, thanks to you might I add. It’s his job, it’s a risk he’s accepted. You should do the same, or you’ll cripple under it”

Natasha’s expression softens, “Look, it doesn’t happen a lot, things like this. Not unless it’s his own stupidity that gets him injured, and that’s always minor. He’s a professional, Y/N. It’s the first time he really got hit in the field, and with all the missions he’s done, that’s like one in a million”

Y/N just looks at her and nods, knowing Natasha is right.

“Good. Now go see him, he’ll be missing you, I’m sure” Natasha smiles and takes her leave.

Y/N is left with the thought of Bucky alone in that room, probably wondering why she left him there the way she did.

———

I’m tired. Apparently all of my energy is going into healing the wound on my back, and even with my stamina, it doesn’t leave much for actually succeeding in staying awake for long. The look on her face haunts me, though. That look of hurt, fear -a different fear than that of when I found her, but fear nonetheless. It took me an hour or two to realise that I scared the living shit out of her. I remember her screaming, the panicked look on her face, right before something changed in her eyes and she promised me it was going to be okay. And she kept her promise. I can’t help but feel that I broke mine. I told her I’d be careful, and I was. I really was. But I shared the feeling she had before I left; it turned out to be alright, but I know damn well it could’ve ended quite differently.

Bruce came in earlier with Tony, confirming I was allowed to go back to the apartment tomorrow. Tony made a ‘joke’ about how hot my future-wife is, and got sent off by Bruce when my blood pressure went through the roof with annoyance. I like Tony, I do; but nobody looks at her like that but me. No one.

I can’t help but wish she’d come back so I could tell her that I’m sorry..

Just as I’m losing the battle against sleep, the door opens and she walks in. It suddenly feels like I can breathe again, I hadn’t even noticed how much I needed her with me until now.

“Hey” my voice is soft and hoarse, and I have to do everything I can to stay awake.

“Hey” she gives me a small smile and climbs back into bed with me.

I want to say how sorry I am, but I can’t get a word out; I’m exhausted.

“Don’t scare me like that again, please” she whispers as she snuggles into my side.

With every bit of strength I have left I wrap my arms around her, and the last thing I remember is her pressing a kiss to my collarbone before I drift off.

———

As Bruce expected, the wound was almost fully healed the next day. The skin and flesh underneath it were still sore, but I was glad to be able to get out of that room.

The very moment I woke up and noticed her being awake, I apologised and begged for forgiveness.

She kissed me and said there was nothing to forgive, and again I wonder what I did to deserve this woman.

As if she can read my thoughts, she smiles; bright like the fucking sun and whispers “I love you”

And, fuck. How I love this woman back. I don’t even know how to begin to tell her; but she knows this, and keeps smiling at me when I press feverish kisses to her lips, cheeks, temples and every inch of skin within my reach. Somehow I end up kissing her palm last, and she’s blushing furiously. It’s so fucking adorable, the way I can still seem to make her just a little shy.

“I love you so much, doll. I can’t-.. fuck” I huff out a laugh and she giggles with me.

“I know, Bucky. You don’t have to say anything”

I swear to god, she’s perfect. She’s fucking perfect.

I realise we’re still stupidly staring at each other, standing in that room in the med bay, giving each other these disgustingly love-sick looks. I’m still holding her hand in mine and I just never want to let go.

A throat-clearing sound shakes us from our moment, and we find Tony leaning against the doorpost, smirking as if he’s just gained some great blackmailing leverage. I’m never gonna hear the end of this, and I don’t give a damn.

At the same time, I automatically pull Y/N closer to me, wrapping my metal arm around her waist protectively.

I know damn well this has shit to do with being protective, and only more with the fact that I’m expressing my dominance in the situation. She’s mine, and no one else’s.

And Tony should know to get with that program, or else. With our extensive history, I think he does.

But Tony’s smirk turns into a smile, his eyes show a glimmer of.. fondness? That seems hardly possible.

“You two are probably the cutest, most damaged misfits I’ve ever seen get together” he sighs over-dramatically.

We both raise our eyebrows at that, but before I can make a snarky comment, Y/N beats me to the punch.

“Yeah? How many cute, damaged misfits have you seen get together?”

Tony barks out a laugh. “Nice to meet you, too, future Mrs Barnes. I thought there was more to you than just quiet brooding”

She shows a genuine smile and scoffs silently.

“Glad to see you’re doing good, Barnes” he says as he turns to me. “I just wanted to let you know, if you scare Rogers like that again, I will personally come beat your ass up”

I’m surprised to notice that he didn’t just mean I scared the shit out of Steve, but him as well.

I gave him a nod and a smile, “wont happen again, Stark”

“Empty promises” Tony waves it off, “like all the times you said we’d have more date nights, but you’re always working late”

He says all this with such a straight face, that I don’t know how to react. But Y/N snorts and starts to shake slightly with laughter; to which Tony gives another smirk, as if to say ‘my work here is done’.

“Watch your six, alright?” Tony warns, and waves as he turns on his heel and saunters out into the hallway.

“You think that’s funny, huh?” I roll my eyes at her, as she’s still giggling.

“Pretty funny” she nods with a grin as she tugs on my arm. “Lets get outta here, okay?”

Her whole demeanour has changed. She’s open, light, smiling a lot more; as if a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. As if she’s been set free. She’s constantly challenging me with snarky comebacks and teasing remarks, and I just can’t get enough. It’s like I’m getting to know her all over again, a whole different side of her; and I guess that is the case.

When I finally work up the guts to ask her about her ‘former’ life, she smiles -sadly, but a fond smile nonetheless- and confirms my suspicions.

“I feel more like myself now” she mumbles. “Even more than I did before.. Hydra”

She continues to smile, happier now as she looks me in the eye. “I’m more myself with you than I’ve ever been, Bucky” she murmurs and scoots closer to me on the couch. When she’s resting her head on my chest she adds a soft “Thank you”

Well, fuck. If that doesn’t land like a punch in the gut..

In a good way, of course.

It sends my libido into overdrive. Before she or I know what’s happening, my lips have found hers in another feverish, open mouthed kiss. My hands are everywhere; all over her body, and she’s returning the favour by pulling me in closer while tightly fisting my shirt.

It doesn’t turn out into heated sex, though. It never does with us. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s so powerful, the way we’re connected when we make love; it’s as if our minds work as one to pull as much pleasure out of each other’s bodies as possible, while still making abundantly clear how goddamn much we love and need one another.

I don’t ever want this to stop.

PART 15:

She still submits to me on occasion; willingly or maybe out of habit, her nature, I suppose. Not what she always was, but the way they made her. Lately I’ve been feeling particularly cross with Hydra. And by cross, I mean I want to fucking rip their collective heads off and shove them up their collective asses, and do the same with the two heads that’ll take the place of the first I rip off. This, because the better she’s doing, the more the horrifying things they’ve done to her show. She’s getting more spontaneous, witty, brave as well. She goes up against me if she feels like it, if only to play around but also when she means to push her own way instead of leaning with mine. I love her for it, I love hearing her say what she wants, I love the way her eyes shine with defiance and her jaw sets decisively. It also never fails to turn me on.

To my own shame, I have to admit that the way she submits to me also turns me on. Whenever I want her, whenever I want her body close to me, skin on skin, she’s willing an compliant. I often ask her if it’s really what she wants, just to make sure. I aways receive a heated look from her, veiled in a glare that says ‘hurry up already and take your damn clothes off’.

I can still confidently say, even after a year of being with her, it makes me love her more every time.

I can also confidently say, after the scares we’ve had, I make a point to tell her that every day. Every moment, really. Every chance I get I tell her I love her, repeating myself like a broken record sometimes. She never gets fed up with it though. She even sometimes seems proud that I can form somewhat coherent words to relay my thoughts to her, something I’ve gotten better at lately.

“I love you, Y/N. So much doll, I can’t begin to tell you how much I love you”

Although those aren’t exact words to describe my love for her, they’re merely an explanation that the words don’t exist. Still, it serves its purpose. That purpose being that she always knows that she’s loved and cared for. The way she loves and cares for me.

Today though, she’s particularly defiant with me, she’s been short and even a bit cold. I’m not sure why or when her mood shifted, but the way she’s looking at me hasn’t completely changed. With sheer love and adoration, but fear shines through; worry maybe? I can’t stand this; I’m about to leave for another mission, and I can’t leave her this way.

The mission you goddamn moron. She’s worried about you. You’ve been on missions non-stop for the past two weeks and every time you came back battered and bruised and once even with another bullet wound. And she’s the one to patch you up every time, you think that’s her idea of fun? Think, you fucking idiot.

Of course. I try and stifle a sigh when that little voice inside my head makes everything suddenly clear. I really am a moron..

“Sweetheart..”

She doesn’t respond, her brow is slightly knitted as if she’s in deep thought and didn’t even hear me in the first place.

I walk up to where she’s hunched over the counter in the kitchen, staring at the countertop, probably not even seeing it. My arms sneak around her waist, startling her out of her thoughts, but she doesn’t pull away.

“Baby” I whisper to her, leaning my cheek against the side of her head, hoping to steal some affection by kissing her temple.

She sighs, contently, but still guarded. Her body is tense and even rigid against me; she knows I’m about to leave.

“I’m doing this for you.. you know that, right?” I whisper again and feel the muscles in her back tense even more.

“I don’t want you to” she croaks, something I didn’t expect to hear.

“What? Why?” I release her from my grip and pull her arm to make her turn to me. Her eyes are wet with unshed tears and her bottom lip is trapped between her teeth.

“Because I don’t want them to take more away from me than they already have” she whispers, a tear finally making its way down her cheek. “I’m scared, Bucky. I know you know what you’re doing, I know that perfectly fine. I trust you. But every time you leave there’s a chance you wont come back. And you’ve been leaving a lot lately..”

That.. hurts. That last sentence, it cuts through me like a knife. She doesn’t mean them to hurt me, but with the hurt she feels with them, it’s impossible for me to ignore it. And even if it was, I wouldn’t.

“I.. I’m sorry” I don’t know what to say.

Nice to know words still fail me when I need them the most.

“I-I didn’t mean to.. I’m sorry”

Really? Apologies is all you can come up with? Nice. Real nice.

Thanks for that, brain. But you’re as much to blame as I am.

She shakes her head. “You.. you don’t have to be sorry, Bucky. I understand why you’re doing it. You want to take Hydra down”

She cringes at the name.

“And I’d love to see them fall, but not like this. I want you with me more.. more than I want to see them suffer and wither away and die with their idiotic beliefs”

My face pales with those words. Not in a bad way, just the notion of her feelings for me, the way she makes them clear, it’s all I’ve wanted to tell her the moment I realised I loved her.

“Bucky..” she nearly whimpers through her tears, it sets my heart on fire. “I love you more than I hate them or what they did to me. Please..”

If I didn’t love her so much I’d be hating her with jealousy of how she finds her words. I’m sure I’m gaping at her at his point, my mouth ajar, my jaw feel loose and isn’t making any move to close again.

Yeah, you’re real smooth Barnes. What an image you must be right now.

“I love you” I hear myself say it before I even realise the words are on my tongue. And the next thing I know, I’m crashing my lips against hers and my hands desperately find a way to get closer to her.

Between gentle, heated kisses we draw much needed breaths, oxygen is necessary -if it wasn’t, we’d never stop, I’m sure- and she asks me to stay. And I could, I could stay, they could do it without me, Stark or Wilson could go with them, they’re on stand-by. Or maybe Lang could go, he’s been useful these days.

“I’ll stay, baby. I’ll stay, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I didn’t realise.. Shit, I’m so sorry” the words tumble from my mouth, loving, hurting, knowing I’ve hurt her. I’ve scared her, she wasn’t okay these last few days, she was scared and I didn’t see. To busy with damn missions, taking Hydra’s facilities down, taking my anger out on them when I should’ve been giving her the affection she needs. Instead of scaring her and making her worry about me whenever I’m out there..

“I’m so sorry, baby. I’m an idiot, I’m sorry” I breathe through kisses, she keeps pulling me closer; as if she’s afraid I’d leave anyway. She knows I can’t stay here forever, I need these missions. As much as I love being with her all days, I need this to keep me balanced. But she needs to know I don’t intend on going anywhere if she asks me to stay. I couldn’t deny her what she wants, I could never leave when she asks me to stay, I could never deny her a thing.

Something wet touches my cheek and shakes me out of my thoughts, makes me pull away from her silky soft lips. Soft and smooth like a freshly covered pillow. I’m addicted to this woman.

Oh no. She’s crying. My beautiful girl is crying, she’s trying to pull me back in, but I’m frozen in place; horrified at her tears. It’s been so long since she’s even but turned the corners of her mouth down, the past couple of months she’s been nothing but smiles. The way she used to be, she said. She was always happy, never needed a reason to cry or be sad. Until Hydra. Until now.

“Baby..”

A broken down sob rips through her, and me, as she lunges herself into my arms.

“I-I love y-you, Bucky. And I know y-you need this. But..” her voice trembles and another sob cuts her off.

“Shh, sweetheart. It’s okay, I’m not going anywhere” I know she needs to get it out, she needs to cry; so all I can do now is hold her and keep her safe. “C’mon, doll”

She whimpers when I hoist her up in my arms, nothing but a sigh and a barely audible sound accompanying it. It nearly breaks me.

“Shh, baby, it’s okay. I’m right here”

This seems to soothe her, even only by a little. She’s quiet when I lay her in our bed, but she doesn’t want to let go of me. Like when I first brought her here, scared, battered and in pain; not wanting to lose the only good contact she’s made with another human being.

Again, she wont let go of me. Though now I’m not ashamed to admit that I like having her cling to me like this. It’s not just because she’s scared; yes, she’s worried, and maybe scared that something will happen to me. But she’s clinging to me because she loves me and just wants me to stay so she’ll know I’m safe. That’s an entirely different kind of scared than what she was a year ago.

“I’m not leaving you, doll. I promise. I just need to let Steve know, okay?”

She hesitates, a flicker of panic flashes behind her eyes, but she nods and slowly releases her grip on my arms.

The phone call doesn’t take all that long, Steve understands and has been on my ass about taking a break for a while anyway. Though now, he’s forcing me to take a week’s leave, and at first I wanted to scold him, but I guess that’s what Y/N needs as well. She needs to know I’m still here.

I’m glad to hear and feel her shuffle around the bed; she’s getting herself more comfortable under the sheets. Her eyes catch mine when I turn to her, it looks like the corners of her mouth crinkle into a small smile. The smile fades as soon as it appears; her eyes plead me to come join her.

“I love you, sweetheart” I lean towards her, pecking her lips gently and slowly. Drawing the moment out as much as I possibly can.

“Y/N.. what do you want me to do?”

She stares up to me at that question. Her face unreadable but definitely mulling over something.

“I.. want you safe, Bucky” she sighs, climbing out of the abyss she plummeted into minutes ago. A feeling of pride washes over me at that. “But I want you to be happy too”

I smile at her, kiss her forehead, lingering a little longer just to take in her scent. “I know you fear for my safety, doll.. but I just can’t stop going on missions”

She nods, knows how I’m wired.

“Would it help if I was home more? Take less missions?”

A compromise, it’s all I can offer. I want to do more, she knows that. She also knows I can’t.

“Yes”

“Yes?” I raise my eyebrows at her, surprised at her swift answer.

“Yes. I’ll always worry about you when you’re gone, Bucky. But worrying less is.. good” she says softly and pulls me towards her.

“Okay” I mumbled with a smile, crawling under the covers with her and pulling her into me.

We’ll find a rhythm in our life that’s comfortable for the both of us, I have to pay closer attention to her though. She’s still reserved and quiet when it comes to talking about something so serious. But she’s getting better. And so am I.

“Bucky?” her voice is soft, but sweet, gentle; no more sadness in them.

“Mmhmm?” I can’t find words, don’t want to, really. Having her wrapped up in my arms like this is utter bliss; I could stay like this for days.

She doesn’t speak again; when I open my eyes to ask her what’s wrong, she’s looking up at me with a smile. Loving, adoring and.. lustful.

Oh..

“Will you..” she cuts her question short, but I know exactly what she wants of me.

Yes. So much yes. Yes, every time.

“C’mere” I’m grinning at her, suggestively, no doubt; and she smiles back.

The moment our lips touch we’re lost. There’s something utterly beautiful about this; the way she curls around me when we connect on this level. Praise and simple ‘I love you’s’ are exchanged endlessly, continuously. They may be three simple words; but they’re full, loaded; they’re true. It’s as if I’m set free when I’m inside of her; my mind stops and only focuses on her. Everything else is blurred and eventually forced out entirely. The way she looks at me, lustblown pupils, a blissful smile on her face, I know the same happens to her. It worried me at first, but a few incidents have shown me that when we’re interrupted, the slightest out of the ordinary sound, can bring us both back from wherever we go instantly.

That first time sadly isn’t the only time Steve walked into the apartment while I was wrapped up an tangled in sheets with her.

In all honesty.. we do this a lot. It’s not completely beyond comprehension why we constantly keep getting caught; or rather said, interrupted. Even Tony walked in on us a few weeks ago; I still have no idea why he was here in the first place. He walked in, called out for Y/N and made a rather hilarious yelping noise when he walked into the living room to find me wrapping Y/N up in my arms to protect her bare body, scolding him for coming in without knocking. He apologised, losing his suave attitude and almost tripping over his own feet as he left.

I apologised to her, told her I was sorry that it just kept happening. She just shook her head with a smile, saying ‘it’s not your fault, but we should lock the door from now on’.

That reminds me, the door isn’t locked at the moment. It’s not enough to get me out of this haze, it seems, she latches her nails into my back when my pace picks up, it stings, but it feels so damn good.

“F-fuck, I love you so much, baby” I’m gritting my teeth in an effort to keep this going, to keep up with this moment, drag it out as long as I can.

“Bucky.. oh god, I love you” she answers in a breath, warmth washes over me.

For a moment everything is quiet, our eyes lock and everything makes sense; locks into place. Nothing can get to us, nothing will ever come between us because we’re one. As cheesy as it sounds, we are. The quiet is suddenly overrun by the rushing of blood in my ears, blocking out all but her moan that falls from her lips as she comes.

———

We’re far from perfect. Separately and together, we’re definitely not perfect. But it’s close; I wouldn’t give this up for the world. We still have a way to go, but she’s getting better. And so am I.

fin