Chapter Text
I got another diary. I haven't got anything better to do with my life than write in this shitty tome of pure autism. I'm not exactly gonna write normally like last time. Whatever comes to my head's what I'm gonna write.
I miss him. Smarmy asshole. My first kiss...Ben Lawman. I don't even know why we kissed. Gyms just do that I guess. I miss hanging out with him...why did he have to go like that? Why did he kill himself? Did I do something? Was it the kiss? Maybe. Maybe it was because we live in fucking Texarkana. Shittiest place in NA, nothing to do here.
I want to hurt this town. I want to hurt the people of this town. I want to kill, maim, mutilate, destroy, ambush, be ambushed so I can react with violence. I would've made a killer marine. Too bad my happy pills are keeping me away. These shitty little capsules don't even work. I feel nothing change. Still depressed and angry at goddamn nothing. One man war against everyone else. Wish Ben was here with me...he made this shitty life a bit more tolerable. Not like Liu though. Liu thinks he helps but he doesn't, but the truth would break the poor guy's heart. Liu's a sweetheart, but he's such a pushover to mom and dad. Why the hell did they name him Liu? He's not even Asian. I guess it must be that sort of...exotic name thing that rich parents do. We aren't even rich though, we're middle class. I don't fucking know anymore.
I don't know a lot of things. I'm uncertain all the time. Constantly doubting my own frayed morals. Maybe I should neck myself. No, I have more to do. More people to hurt, to push away because that's all I know how to fucking do
I know smoking's gonna kill me one day. I don't care. I could take care of myself, like I'm someone worth loving. No, I don't bother. The one person who loved me killed himself. I'm nothing, less than nothing; I could be something but I'm too nihilistic to care about anything. Seriously, give me a good fucking reason as to why anyone should be born on this shit earth. Like Strength Beyond Strength(1), there's nothing, no education, no family life, no open arms. FUCK YOU AND YOUR COLLEGE DREAM!
You ever feel like ripping your own insides out? I do. A lot. I think about ripping out other people's guts too. I hate most people, especially (REDACTED) in my math class. Fuck you, dick-sucking Jewboy. Hope those glasses do you well when I blow your fucking head off. I WISH I had a gun, would solve a lot of my people problems, the problems being the people. Maybe I'm just institutionalized. I've lived in one of those halfway houses since I was 15 years old, because of that time I tried to kill my mom. Locked myself in the bathroom, she broke in and started screaming at me, so I went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. I was gonna chase her when she ran out of the house, but Liu talked me down...
And there goes my boner. Fun.
You read Notes From The Underground? Great fucking book. It's from the perspective of some miserable asshole who used to work in the government. I don't even remember that much...I think I'm starting to get properly wasted now. I was tipsy writing this. Surprise! Maybe that'll explain the painful amounts of autism I just puked onto the pages. I'm sorry. This sucks. I hate this. Everybody would laugh at me if they saw this. I need to stop.
-Jeff W.
(1): Strength Beyond Strength is a song by heavy metal band Pantera.