Chapter Text
It was a hot summer day, one where the sun beat down mercilessly and the air was thick and humid, when you could feel the sweat trickling down your back and sticking to your skin, no matter how hard anyone tried to wipe it away.
Severus wondered if there would be a storm in the afternoon. He would have no objection to this, quite the opposite. He wished for a torrential downpour, a deluge that would wash away the dust and heat, leaving behind fresh air and a refreshing scent. He also dreamt of thunderclaps and flashes of lightning, illuminating the sky, releasing the tension vibrating in the air, and perhaps disrupting the planned evening ceremony.
It was the time of the summer solstice in 1978, the day marking the end of the blossoming season and the beginning of the preparation for dormancy. Crops were just ripening and would need to be harvested for another month, but the spring fieldwork had long since been completed.
On the shortest night of the year, wizards gathered on hills and peaks to light ceremonial fires. The primary purpose of these fires was purification, but they also brought couples together.
Every year, young wizards, usually girls but also boys who preferred boys, would weave garlands of herbs that gained magical properties on this night, such as mugwort, St. John's wort, burdock, sundew, and sage - herbs that ward off evil forces and charms and ensure health and a good marriage, or cornflowers, poppies, chamomile, and roses.
The garlands were then tied to a thin, lightweight board, and a candle was placed in the middle. The wreaths prepared in this way were released onto the water and carefully watched as they floated. If one became entangled in coastal bushes or floats far away, its owner was destined to remain unmarried for at least another year.
The worst omen was when the candle was overturned, and the garland sank. This meant trouble, both in love and, even worse, in life. It was interpreted as a sign of unrequited love, a life filled with bitterness and sadness. Alternatively, the sinking of the garland could also signify the birth of an illegitimate child or, in the worst circumstances, premature death.
A successful wreath was believed to ensure happiness in love, a swift marriage, and a long, prosperous, and happy life.
If someone retrieved a garland from the river that someone else had released and that person reciprocated the interest, the couple would engage in sexual activity, signifying their engagement, and then officially solidify their union by jumping together over the sacred fire. From that moment on, they were considered married.
A marriage contracted on a night like this carried a hundred percent risk, and Severus preferred to avoid it.
If he had any feelings for someone and they reciprocated, they would get married in the usual way, on any other day of the year, as long as it wasn't this one. As this was, of course, not the only form of marriage. Marriages could be contracted any day at a civil registry office or church, but this particular ceremony was the most special, sacred, and prestigious. No divorces were recognized for these unions because the moment such a marriage was contracted, an unbreakable bond of magic was created that only death could separate.
Of course, the Wizarding world was not without its flaws. According to the law, a wife was essentially the property of her husband after marriage, losing her own rights. That's why it was so important to choose the right spouse. If one was unfortunate enough to let desire replace reason, they could easily end up in a relationship full of abuse. Due to the final nature of such a union, most people who participated in it did so out of necessity or as a tradition and an opportunity for fun, preferring to leave it in the realm of dreams and live sensibly. Only very young, romantic, or naive individuals took part in it with the hope of getting married. Severus was neither naive nor romantic; he was simply young.
Such marriage was usually the dream of little children who heard the story of this event, so wonderful in their eyes, from their parents. Equally delighted and excited were very young wizards, mostly first-grade students who were still too young to participate in floating a garland on the water. However, the opportunity to have fun tempted students of all grades, so for weeks, nothing else was talked about. At every meal, break, and after lessons, shyly expressed hopes and desires could be heard from all sides.
They buzzed around like bees in a hive, rejoicing as if there were a reason for it, Severus grimaced with distaste. Ah, such naivety and optimism! Perhaps he should envy them, their lives are surely easier. But he couldn't think that way even if he wanted to; he had seen too much darkness in life for his own good.
For him, the privilege of being a mere spectator in this tragedy had come to an end; now he was to be one of the main characters in this play. This year, at the age of 18, he was supposed to participate for the first time in the ritual of floating a wreath on the river.
Until now, he had only observed it, like other teenagers and children, with a pounding heart, fearing the day when he would release such a wreath himself. He wondered how many years he would have to do it before everyone accepted the fact that he would be forever alone. That this would be the case, he did not doubt. He didn't have any hopes, he approached it rationally. There was no one he liked, no one he secretly dreamed of fishing his garland out of the water, and he knew very well that he didn't like anyone himself either and that was the best option.
He didn't see himself in the role of a spouse, nor did he want or need it, not even in the future. It would only be an obstacle in his life. Besides, it would have to be someone from a pure-blood family because Death Eaters wouldn't look favorably upon any other kind of relationship, and he needs to think about his future. So, it would probably have to be someone from their circle. No, Severus preferred not to even think about it.
The feast in itself did not bother Severus. Even the love-fertility outcome of it, although it did not interest him in any way, was fine, as long as the coercive aspect did not enter into it.
But unfortunately, coercion came into play, and of course, Severus had no choice but to take part in the festivities, starting first thing in the morning by gathering herbs and flowers. Hours before breakfast, he left the castle and went far outside the castle grounds. At that hour, the air was still fresh and pleasant, and the delicate flower petals and stems of grass were covered in shimmering dewdrops. From somewhere in the distance, the robin's treble reached him.
The world was blissfully peaceful. Severus knew, however, that this idyllic atmosphere would soon be shattered by the uproar raised by the excited teenagers preparing for the evening ceremony. A whole day of waiting ahead of them will not deter them from constantly talking about how it will be there.
Huh. Severus sighed in spirit.
Wasting no time, he strolled among the flowers and selected those he saw fit - chamomile, white clover and daisies. And plenty of mugwort to take the heaviness out of the garland. In fact, he did not particularly think about the magical effects of the flowers, he was only concentrating on their appearance. He wanted to have a garland as simple and unobtrusive as possible, so that it would certainly not tempt even someone desperate.
On the way back at the last moment he picked a few more white roses which grew by the bushes. It is possible that someone's garden was once here and now the remnants remain in the form of a few flowers.
***********
In the Slytherin common room, now empty because its occupants had gone to bathe and then set off for breakfast, he secured the flowers with a spell to prevent them from withering and also went to the dining room.
The closer he got to the dining area, the louder the voices became. He was not surprised; it was the same every year on this day. Lessons on that day were always rather chaotic, it was much more difficult to control unruly young people, and the teachers did not particularly care for it either. Severus was very annoyed by this, but there was nothing he could do.
Of course, this year was no different, so an entire day of learning was practically lost. What a waste, frowned Severus, did the others not understand that the acquisition of knowledge was of more value than gold?
He shook his head disapprovingly and devoted himself to learning as much as he could.
Finally, the mediocre substitute for a lesson came to an end, and immediately after lunch Severus headed back to the Slytherin common room to tend to his garland and weave it, as the only one of the boys.
The room was pleasantly cool, it was a nice escape from the slowly approaching heat of the day so it was a pleasure to spend time here.
He did not care about prying eyes; in the Wizarding world, the days when gays shocked anyone were long gone. However, they were still a minority and he was the only one from his House. What it was like in the others - he did not know, but in the evening, when all gather at the river he will quickly find out. Although he was gay, he had never been interested in that aspect of his life. He had other things on his mind, and seeking acceptance or pursuing romantic relationships were not among his priorities.
Soon he will have to get ready and go to the feast. Now certainly in the valley by the river, the local villagers were bustling about, tables were being set up, food cooked.
So many times he was a spectator during the preparations and ceremony that he knew every step of it by heart.
If his mother had lived, she would certainly be there too, having sneaked out of the house on some pretext, not wanting to miss such an important moment in Severus' life. She herself never took part in that ceremony; she married his father in the spring.
Whether he was a disappointment or not, he was her child after all, various things she may have missed, but not this. The first floating of the garlands, is basically the confirmation of adulthood! But she died and she won't be there.
Severus sighed and immersed himself in thoughts.
What a difficult day it was, the day he never wanted to come!
Lily was surely weaving her garland now too, and she knew full well that it would be fished out that night and that James would treat her well and with respect. Severus did not envy her, he was glad that she would be spared anxiety, anticipation and perhaps disappointment.
He was snapped out of his thoughts by Mulciber who sat down by him.
"Do you have someone in mind, Sev? You must be very excited!" He poked him in a friendly way.
Both of them were candidates to join the Death Eaters, so they had in common maybe not friendship but solidarity. Mulciber, of course, knew in what role Severus would take part in upcoming ceremony, and did not seem to mind.
"Like hell I am." Severus rolled his eyes. "No, I'm not, what an idea!" Just in case, he elaborated, unsure whether Mulciber's mind, shrouded in a fog of excitement, would catch the irony. "I'm taking part because it's mandatory and that's it." As if it wasn't enough that it was compulsory, everyone around him pushed him towards it, even Lucius sent him a lavish robe as a gift to give him something to wear, which Severus obviously wasn't going to do, in addition he promised to be in the audience.
Great, amazing, wonderful! Severus was delighted that even Lucius would witness his uncomfortable and unnecessary humiliation. Yes, it was exactly what he wanted and needed. Annoyed, Severus furrowed his brow.
Mulciber shook his head with amusement.
"Oh, certainly!" He laughed mockingly. "If you don't want to say it, don't say it, but don't pretend."
Severus pouted and did not answer. Apparently, the fact that he didn't like anyone exceeded the comprehension skills of some. He could go on arguing and convincing, but Mulciber had clearly already formed an opinion and no facts could change it. Well, Severus felt too uneasy about the upcoming ceremony to waste his energy on something so pointless.
They were silent for a while, Mulciber evidently expecting Severus to suddenly change his mind and tell him who had caught his eye, for he finally sighed disappointedly. "What are you thinking about, then?"
At last a sensible conversation, Severus assessed. He picked up more white flowers and wove them into a garland next to the previous ones. It was not a very lavish garland, there was almost as much green as white, with the addition of various herbs. Severus inwardly shuddered at the thought of having to walk among people with it, but while he wouldn't have to wear it on his head, it was always some consolation. "About work. I submitted my applications to several places a few days ago, and I'm curious to see if I'll be accepted anywhere. My academic record is perfect, but this silly tradition could hurt my chances." Severus sighed. "Fortunately, this is the first year I've participated, so it shouldn't matter."
He looked at the garland, and considered it completed. It was predominantly white, with addition of green. Now it remained to attach it to the board. "And what are your plans?"
Mulciber smiled mischievously. "I intend to fish out Lucille Hare's garland!"
Severus looked at him, wanting to guess if he was joking. But no, he seemed to mean it. The whole future is opening up before them, they're about to start their adult lives and he's thinking about garland of a blonde Slytherin girl instead of his job....
What a disappointment, what a waste!
So many years of schooling wasted on someone whose priority is what a girl has under her skirt.
And he was the weirdo who didn't fit into society, not Mulciber! It was a very strange world indeed.
The summer holidays were due to begin in a week's time, which for Severus meant the end of school, but the students were much more focused on the summer solstice celebrations. Severus just didn't believe it! To make matters worse, it was not only the pupils who were chattering and thinking only about these celebrations, the teachers were equally obsessed by it, as Severus had noticed from the low quality of the lessons from that day.
It was amazing to what extent feelings and hormones influenced life and decided the next step, what was important and what was not!
For a few minutes they talked about trivia for a while until Mulciber moved on, leaving Severus to his thoughts.
From time to time, he could hear the excited comments of the other Slytheirns, wondering if this girl or that girl would be interested in this boy or that boy, who would find love this year, if fate would be kind to that miserable Violet Hawks, who was weaving her garland every year with more and more desperation in her eyes and trembling hands. For some reason this woman, by no means ugly, had not found a husband all these years in the normal way and it seemed that only this tradition gave her a glimmer of hope. Life without marriage was frowned upon and clearly lowered Wizard's life possibilities.
Well, he too would probably be the subject of such talk. He was strong, he could live with it, if only he could still deal with making potions.
Severus could hardly hide his joy at the thought of graduating. Finally, he won't have to be on guard all the time, waiting for the bullies to attack. On top of that, he will be able to start a real life in which his abilities will be important. Of course, he would have to carve out time to be a Death Eater, Lucius promised him that he would be officially sworn in right after the holidays.
That was what his mother supported, that was what he was taught. Yes, he was not particularly close to her, but she was his mother, the person closest to him. He wanted her to love him and be proud of him, so he did everything to please her. It's a shame she didn't live to see him officially become a member of Death Eaters, it was for her. Well, that's his luck.
It was not an ideal solution, because he did not like this cruelty and would prefer not to take part in it, on the other hand it seemed that this is just how life is, everyone attacks and persecutes the weaker ones if they have the opportunity, no one ever cares. You are bullied - then get stronger or find someone to keep you safe. That's the way it was. Stronger is right, that's what he was taught at Hogwarts. James and Sirius were never punished for tormenting him for years, never! No one ever saw it, prudently averting their eyes at the right moment. When Black wanted to kill him it was he who was admonished by Dumbledore and ordered to keep quiet. And this is supposedly the "good" side. The "bad" side wasn't much worse, but it provided a sense of security. No alternative, whichever way you turn, you face a wall of cold indifference and hatred. He didn't know how to live among people, their affairs were alien to him, he was just an observer.
With a heavy sigh, Severus put down his now completed garland, with a board attached, on his bed and then he threw himself flat on the bedding with his arms spread out. It was going to be a challenging day.
During lunch, the tension was so high that it was almost vibrating in the air. Dreams and fears clashed with each other, fighting for the better, fantasies of the near and distant future, eyes shone, cheeks flushed.
Severus sat between Mulciber and Avery, the latter frequently casting meaningful glances at Eve Kovalski, a tall brunette sitting on the other side of the Slytherin table. She would alternately lower her gaze and bite her lip, clearly they were not hiding their flirtation.
He assessed it all with slightly impatient eyes, watching it like watching the same circus performance for the hundredth time.
Even Lily let herself be carried away by the atmosphere and every now and then she would glance at James sitting next to her with an intimate smile, with whom she would meet his eyes every now and then. She was happy and in love. Severus hoped James wouldn't screw it up and hurt her.
Next to James sat Black, as always looking like the epitome of arrogance and aggression, further away Lupin and Pettigrew.
It was obvious with James, Potter would definitely propose to Lily today, there was no doubt about it. They belonged to those romantics who wanted to be together until death do them part, without considering any other options.
But Sirius? Considering his looks and Black heritage, surely many girls hope that he will take part in it and they will be his chosen ones. Who knows, maybe that's exactly what will happen? Severus had no clue about his romantic affairs.
The same goes for Remus. Did he have someone? Was he interested in anyone? It's a big unknown. Pettigrew definitely didn't plan to participate in the ceremony, and Severus didn't know why, but that's how he felt.
Surprisingly none of them seemed as excited as the rest of the students, and they didn't look at anyone in any particular way, just as much as simply chatting amongst themselves. Funny, that made him and the three of them the only ones not enjoying the celebration. How ironic!
After dinner, as every year, those who will take part in the ceremony and the spectators who are yet to take part gathered. The teachers, although far from calm themselves, had to calm the excited teenagers down every now and then.
Severus knew this routine by heart, since he remembered being taken every year to watch the ceremony, first by his parents, then by the teachers. Pupils lined up according to Houses and ages and then marched off, some in groups, excitedly, others individually, like Severus.
*********
At nightfall, when the hot day was coming to an end, the heat pouring down from the sky changed into a pleasant, warm air, wrapping people like a blanket woven from a cobweb.
Severus and everyone else gathered by the river so that, after listening to a speech by Dumbledore and other generally respected members of the elders, everyone lit a candle on their garland, searched for a spot of their choice and floated the garland into the water.
The speeches ended too quickly for Severus's taste. In earlier years, especially when he was a child, those speeches seemed to drag on indefinitely, but now it seemed like he blinked, and they were already over.
Moments earlier, the festivities began with the ritual lighting of a fire made of ash and birch wood, after all the hearths throughout the village had been extinguished. A birch stake was driven into the ground at the chosen spot, on which an ash hub was placed - a wheel with spokes wrapped in tar. The wheel rotated so fast that it started to burn due to friction. The wheel was then removed and, still burning, rolled onto piles prepared nearby, which were then set on alight. It was a spectacular sight, the moment that had always fascinated Severus the most. Those crackling flames, the flaming spinning wheel, the sparks of fire, the whole thing had such archaic roots clearly manifesting. A stunning sight, especially when it got dark.
But not today, today he was too annoyed by his part in it all. He much preferred to look from a distance.
At each of bonfires were crowds of people, both from the surrounding village and from faraway places, attracted here by this original mating tradition, excited and amused voices mingling together, creating a single noise.
Most of the girls were dressed very carefully, temptingly, in white, as if they were trying to increase their chances until the last moment.
As it turned out, apart from him among the men floating garlands was another boy from Hogwarts, from Hufflepuff, shy but universally liked, and not counting them, a dozen or so men aged plus or minus 18-25, dressed just as dashingly as the girls.
Severus didn't bother with such things, he came in his usual robe, and stood out very much among the white-clad participants.
No clothes could hide his thinness and hooked nose, and anyway he was only there because he had to, he wasn't dating anyone, he wasn't even flirting with anyone. There was no point in trying.
In the crowd, Severus spotted Lucius, of course he was, as per said, and much further away Lily, looking very delicate, fresh and sweet in her white dress, with a garland of multi-coloured flowers in her hand, next to whom stood James, and further away, obviously, Sirius, Remus and Peter.
"Take care," he said to her in his thoughts, "don't let yourself get hurt. Good luck." She obviously couldn't hear him, but it was the only form of contact he could make.
He wanted to get everything sorted out as quickly as possible and return to his dormroom.
Hogwarts was his temporary home, just as full of unjustified violence and hatred as his childhood home. Fear, intimidation, constant vigilance and trying not to make a mistake, hiding tears and not showing pain because it would turn the aggressor on even more - this was what the word home meant to him. He would be moving out of there soon, in a week's time, he will leave forever the walls that have been his home for seven years, so most of his small belongings were already packed and waiting to be moved back into his house at Spinner's End. The building had recently been empty after his mother died of cancer a few years ago and his father had drunk himself to death. An unpleasant situation and unpleasant memories, but he couldn't play at sentimentalism, he needed a place to live and he had it. End of story.
His gaze wandered to a clearing along the river where there were long tables laden with food, the smell of which floated among the fragrant twigs burning in the bonfire.
Some people were starting to get drunk before the party had even started. Severus had had enough of this.
Taking advantage of the general commotion, Severus took his garland and headed downstream to a secluded, quiet spot he had picked out earlier. He decided that there was no point in exposing himself to gossip and sympathetic comments.
Unnoticed by the others, he retreated into the forest surrounding the river, led away by the sorrowful singing of the girls.
"Twelve petals on this white rose,
Twelve angels, twelve angels,
It serves you today.
I gave you my hand.
The priest gave me a ring,
I burst into tears, I burst into tears before his eyes.
Oh, wreath of white roses
I pity you more,
I pity you more than my beloved mother.
Because I will not sleep in my mother's home,
Only with you Johnny, only with you Johnny,
For I vowed to you."
Severus shuddered as he listened to the song, although the melody was cheerful, the text was unpleasant, he had never understood the idea of marrying if it brought tears of despair.
Of course, he understood the metaphor contained in the song, the loss of the garland was equal to the loss of virginity, which the subject of the song mourned with fear and sorrow. It seemed that, for some reason, the girls feared marriage to such an extent that it was reflected in the lyrics.
Terrifying! It definitely did not improve his mood. He quickly moved on, out of range of the singing voices.
The air was thick with the sweet scent of pine and field flowers as he walked through the forest, following the sound of the rushing river in the distance. The warm June night was alive with the sounds of crickets and owls, and the moon shone brightly through the trees, casting a soft glow on the forest litter in front of him, easing his route choice, but it wasn't necessary, he knew the route by heart because he had been coming here for a few days, enjoying the beauty of the area and the privacy.
He walked in silence for a few minutes until he came to a place where the river accelerated before a bend, the current was fast, so the garland had a chance to flow away from the bank as quickly as possible without getting entangled in aquatic plants. He could see the water shimmering in the moonlight and hear the gentle bubbling of the current as it flowed past.
Severus sat on a large stone by the bank and watched the flowing water, lost in thought. In fact, he didn't have to put the garland in the water, he could have just left it here, no one would know about it and it wouldn't have changed anything. But on the other hand, knowing his luck, someone will stumble across it and spread the word.
His garland stood out for its modesty, which he managed to notice, someone would recognise it.
Recognising that the sooner it is dealt with the better, Severus carefully walked to the very edge of the river, squatted down, lit a candle and carefully placed the garland on the water. This was it. He did what was expected of him. For a while he watched as the white flowers and the flame, clearly visible in the dusk, floated on the waves, finally sailing around the bend and disappearing from his sight.
Probably he should have felt some excitement, hope or a strange nostalgia, but nothing of the sort happened, it did not trigger in him a sudden desire to marry.
He was in no hurry to return. The feast and the party by the bonfire were growing more and more, and he had no desire to take part in it. Instead, he preferred to enjoy the scent of the forest and the sound of the river, the sight of stars and flowing garlands. In the darkness, the water seemed ink-black, the rhythm of the waves having a hypnotic effect on Severus.
The forest by the river was alive with the sounds of nature on this warm night. Crickets chirped, frogs sang their melodies and leaves rustled in the gentle breeze.
As the sun set behind the trees, the air became cooler and the fireflies came out to dance in the twilight. Their glowing bodies glittered like tiny lanterns, sweeping through the scrub. The moon rose high in the sky, casting a silver light over the landscape. The soothing mood of it was interrupted only by occasional fragments of loud shouts of joy and cheering from afar there when some boy fished out a garland.
Perhaps it was James and Lily? Who knows.
Immersed in thought, Severus suddenly felt his wand fall violently out of his pocket and land somewhere in the bushes. He jumped up startled, expecting an attack and preparing to flee, looking around helplessly, trying to spot his attacker in the darkness, but was unable to see anything,. He felt a growing panic, without his wand he was as helpless as a child.
Finally, there was a rustling of leaves from behind the trees. Severus immediately froze and concentrated his gaze on that point. The rustling grew closer and, although only a few seconds had passed, it seemed that an hour later slowly, Sirius emerged from between the trees, holding Severus' garland in his hand.