Chapter Text
When he came back, there was no time to talk. He was alive, and so was Michonne. That was all that mattered as we prepared ourselves for the coming attack. The fact that Merle wasn’t with him left a pit in my stomach. I watched him walk through the gates, hair hanging like a mask over his eyes, and I knew immediately what must have happened. Hershel stood behind me, and I knew that he could see it too.
I wanted to go to him. To offer comfort, and tell him about the selfless thing that his brother had done. It may have been the only time that Merle Dixon ever put anyone other than Daryl ahead of himself, but he damn sure made this time count. As I watched him approach, my hands balled into fists, fighting the urge to touch him. This wasn’t the time.
“Glad to see you back son.” Daryl glanced up as Hershel spoke to him, and I saw the tear streaks down his dirty face.
“Daryl...”
“What can I do?” He cut me off, his voice sounding broken and jagged, as he focused on a spot just over my shoulder.
“We’re almost ready.” I told him. Hershel nodded in agreement as he reached to put a hand on Daryl’s shoulder. At the last moment, he thought better of it and let his arm drop to his side.
“I’ll go check on Beth and Judith.” His eyes rested on Daryl again with a soft look, and our archer shifted uncomfortably, his boots kicking at a rock at his feet.
“I’mma check that back fence. They could...”
“Glen’s got it.” I told him. He was already moving away from me, and I took two long strides to catch up to him.
“Daryl...” I reached out to touch his elbow, and he flinched, moving away from me. I had a flashback to our first meeting back in Atlanta and the days that followed, when he would look at me with contempt plain on his face, moving away when I got anywhere close to him. This time, his avoidance of contact was for a completely different reason and it made my heart ache.
“Wait just a minute.” I told him as he kept walking.
“This ain’t the time Rick.”
“You can wait one minute...I just want to talk for a second.” I came around to block his path, and he backed away.
“No.”
I held my ground, tilting my head and bending down a bit trying to get him to look at me, but he turned away.
“What the hell you worryin’ about me for?” he suddenly demanded. “We’re about to get our asses handed to us by that fuckin’ maniac...you oughta be concentratin’ on Carl Judy! They’re your family! This time tomorrow...”
“You’re family too Daryl.”
I interrupted him with the phrase he’d said to me when he left to go after his brother, refusing to let me help. He’d gone off alone so that I could stay with my children, willing to sacrifice himself for them, and for me.
“You’re family too. Don’t forget that.” I felt tears prick the back of my eyes as I said it again. There was so much more I wanted to tell him, and now, I might never get that chance.
He finally met my gaze, and I could see how much he was fighting to hold on. My heart broke for him in that moment. For so long, Merle was all he had, and now Merle was gone.
“Daryl, I...”
“Don’t...just...please...”
He swallowed with visible effort, and I realized absently that I’d never heard the man utter that word before. Daryl Dixon never said please. Probably because he never asked for anything. He took care of himself, and worked like hell to protect everybody else. He hunted for us, fought for us, and killed for us. His own needs were never even a consideration.
I saw the one hand that hung at his side shaking before he clenched it into a fist, just as I’d done earlier. I knew what he was fighting. That feeling that with one touch, or one tender word from someone, he would literally shatter beneath the weight of his loss.
He asked for so little. I wouldn’t deny him this.
I stuffed my own hands in my pockets and nodded.
“Carl’s packin’ up his cell.” I said quietly. “He’s...Beth says he’s pretty upset. Maybe you could go check on him for me? If he needs...”
“ I got it.” he answered. I could see that having a task to tend to gave him the focus that he needed.
As he turned on his heel and I watched him walk away, I prayed that we would survived this latest crisis. I prayed that once it was over, he’d let me in.