Archive of Our Own

JAMROCK PRECINCT 41 - It’s a slow day. No emergency call outs, no suspicious activities. It makes you restless, puts you on edge whenever you hear the low hum of a car passing by outside.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Why can’t you just be thankful for the respite?” He says it like it’s a true impossibility for him, as though he can’t figure you out.

SUGGESTION - Your life would certainly be easier if he could.

YOU - You shrug at him. You wish you were made of the same stuff you were before. You wish you hadn’t changed.

JAMROCK PRECINCT - They talk about you, behind your back, you know they do. They say you didn’t come back right. Something shook you up like a beer can, and they’re just waiting for you to explode.

DRAMA - They’re right, sire. You’re in love.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - It’s lust, at best.

DRAMA - How very pedestrian.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - You just need to get it out of your system. Fuck it out, as they say.

BICURIOUS SMARTPHONE - This is where I come in!

INTERFACING - You are too fucking old to figure out this app. This app is for young people with hot bodies. Ones who actually take pictures of themselves and can look at them after without crying for three hours.

BICURIOUS SMARTPHONE - Your profile is blank, almost entirely. Save for your, frankly, genius alias and a very brief description. You don’t have any pictures of yourself. That probably doesn’t have any relation to the whole crying for three hours thing. Probably.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Is that the fucking gay sex app?” He's scandalized.

YOU - You swivel around in your chair at a speed faster than man has ever gone before. Jean is looking at you, slack-jawed and wide eyed. “So what if it is?”

VOLITION - Great. You should totally be more defensive about your current sexuality crisis.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “That’s fucking Gaydr. What are you doing on there?”

REACTION SPEED - He knows what Gaydr is. You're sunk, boss. No getting out of this one.

AUTHORITY - No, wait. How does he know about the fucking gay sex app?

ESPRIT DE CORPS - You’ve heard people talk about the kind of relationship you two had before. You were close, but not intimate. Unfortunate soulmates. The phrase ‘heterosexual life partners’ is tossed around so much that it’s starting to sound like they’re making fun of you. Torson once said you had a partnership like the two planes that hit the twin towers. You’re probably better off not understanding that reference.

BICURIOUS SMARTPHONE - Don't think about that. Think about me! With all my shiny colors and sounds, I'm sure to distract you from your pain. From the person you were. The person you have become. And from the people you can't have.

EMPATHY - With golden hair and glowing lungs.

COMPOSURE - With rigid posture and smoldering cigarettes.

YOU - Huh? What was that last one?

ENDURANCE - Don't worry about it, champ.

BICURIOUS SMARTPHONE - Worry about me! And all the new people you may meet!

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - And fuck, maybe.

BICURIOUS SMARTPHONE - And fuck, maybe!

PERCEPTION - Also worry about Jean, who is inching around the desk to look over your shoulder.

YOU - "DO YOU MIND?"

1. [Rhetoric - Easy] Be suave. Be sexy. Be fuckable.
2. Actually no fuck this. I'll die with my loneliness instead. [Leave.]

RHETORIC [Easy: Failure] -

RHETORIC - Good lord. Did I do that?

AUTHORITY - Nobody with any self-respect is going to answer that.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Unless he actually wants to have some fucking fun.

YOU - I wouldn’t say no.

ENDURANCE - Is this what we’ve been reduced to? E-begging for drugs?

SUGGESTION - Perhaps you could pick somebody else. Surely there’s somebody on here as desperate as you are.

DRAMA - Even half as desperate would do, sire.

The response comes after work, while you are trying to decide what brand of booze you should have for dinner.

BICURIOUS SMARTPHONE - Brrpt! Message for you, sir!

VOLITION - You have one chance. Don’t fuck this up.

PAIN THRESHOLD - Again.

LOGIC - Wow. You suck at this.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - Do you really want to fuck this nerd?

RHETORIC - Cock is cock.

EMPATHY - I think the nerdiness endears you all the more.

CONCEPTUALIZATION - Plus the disinterest lights you up like a fireworks factory.

VOLITION - Still, no need to act too desperate.

DRAMA - Much too far, sire.

VOLITION - What did I just fucking say?

PAIN THRESHOLD - This is like watching the sinking of the Titanic.

VOLITION - I don't know I bother trying, at this point.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - He’s perfect. An exact replica down to the minute details of Lieutenant Kim Kitsuragi.

YOU - Wait. Is that what I’m doing? I’m trying to fuck a Kim-lookalike?

CONCEPTUALISATION - Always have been.

1. [Suggestion - Challenging] Okay. You can make that work.
2. This is too much, even for you. You should ghost this freak.

SUGGESTION [Challenging: Failure] -

ENDURANCE - I’m tapping out. This is pathetic.

-5 DAMAGED HEALTH

HEALTH CRITICAL!

THOUGHT GAINED: MECHANOPHILIA

You have brief glimpses into your life in the before times. Before Martinaise, before amnesia, before Kim. The ex-wife and the great depression times. Some of those glimpses involve the bedroom; messy clothes strewn everywhere, a sock on the doorknob, and her. Sometimes her hair is fanned out around her like an Innocence, like a beautiful goddess you want to encase forever in marble and parade around the world. Sometimes she slaps you on the ass and makes you neigh like a horse. None of these glimpses have ever involved a car.

THOUGHT COMPLETE: MECHANOPHILIA

This is silly. While you are sitting here, wondering whether a slightly odd fetish is a dealbreaker, Speedfreak is out there getting more action than you could possibly conceive. So what if he wants you to roleplay as his car? At least you’re his. And, let’s face it, you’ve done worse before in the name of a little ass.

REACTION SPEED - Holy shit.

VOLITION - Who’d have seen that coming?

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You’re fucking in. YOU’RE FUCKING IN!

SUGGESTION - Calm down. You could still fuck this up.

CONCEPTUALISATION - You already fucked it up so many times. Why is this guy still entertaining you?

HALF-LIGHT - He’s got to be a serial-killing axe murderer.

COMPOSURE - It’s not that strange to think that someone is charmed by your… eccentricities.

HALF-LIGHT - He’s going to kidnap you and tie you up in his basement.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - That doesn’t sound too bad.

AUTHORITY - Don’t let these losers scare you. You’re the one in control here.

LOGIC - No, you aren’t.

HALF-LIGHT - They’re going to plaster your face all over the milk cartons.

PERCEPTION - Like anyone would care that much.

INLAND EMPIRE - He isn’t going to kill you. You can trust him. There’s a strange feeling of… familiarity here.

AUTHORITY - Please. Don't embarrass us anymore than you already have.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - YES YES YES YES YES YES.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - TAKE US HOME, BOYO.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - As if you’re not already palming yourself over your jeans right now.

VOLITION - Frankly, this is embarrassing to watch.

SUGGESTION - Speaking of...

HAND/EYE COORDINATION - Shoot your shot.

DRAMA - Looking desperate, sire.

AUTHORITY - Once again.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - And, how can you say no to that?

BOOGIE STREET - I am but one finger bone of LA REVACHOLIÈRE. Everywhere you look, the day has retreated, and the nightlife has taken over. The shops are closed and locked. The clubs are open, ready and willing. And the people, the people, they flock to it like moths to light.

"THE MOTORWAY SOUTH" BAR DOOR - Come to me, you handsome devil, you. The underground calls. See this? A small rainbow sticker holds a place of honor upon my face. Imagine what fun might be held within my walls. A connection? A little action, even? At the very least, a pilsner for your troubles.

INLAND EMPIRE - You know where you belong. Right behind that door.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - There may even be one Speedfreak waiting for you, if you are very lucky.

YOU - Yes, only...

PRICKHEAD BOUNCER - I NEED NOT OPEN MY MOUTH TO COMMUNICATE MY PURPOSE TO YOU: IT IS MY JOB TO STAND IN THE WAY. MUCH AS YOU MAY HATE ME, I AM THE HARD LINE BETWEEN ORDER AND CHAOS.

1. [Suggestion - Challenging] Talk your way in.
2. Nevermind, I'm outta here! [Nope the fuck out.]

SUGGESTION [Easy: Failure]

YOU - "Hey, man. I'm gay and I can prove it. Please let me in."

PRICKHEAD BOUNCER - ONE LOOK AT YOU IS ALL THAT IS NEEDED TO KNOW: YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF ENTRY. "No."

YOU - "Listen. Pal. I'm meeting someone here. A man. I need to get in there."

FAMILIAR VOICE - Coming from behind you. "Harry, is that you?" Voice full of no small amount of astonishment.

REACTION SPEED - Oh, shit.

INLAND EMPIRE - Oh, shit.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Oh, shit.

KIM KITSURAGI - You whip around. It's him. The one man you were trying to forget tonight. His hand reaches out toward you, so close to cupping your elbow. You would give just about anything for him to make contact. "Harry, it is you."
Kim turns to the bouncer. His hand hovers. "My friend and I would like to enter."

PRICKHEAD BOUNCER - "Oh, of course." He steps aside. His demeanour has changed abruptly – he seems sheepish, like a boy caught in the act by a schoolteacher. "It's nice to see you again."

EMPATHY - Kim and the bouncer are friendly.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Probably have banged before.

SAVOIR FAIRE - But Kim is a sex god, so that's not too surprising.

RHETORIC - Kim gets more ass than you get hot dinners.

REACTION SPEED - Pay attention now, you're already inside.

YOU - Kim's hand still lingers around your elbow. Your skin prickles. "Kim! I can't believe you're here. How have you been? What are you doing here? I haven't heard from you in so long... I-I missed you." It all tumbles out of you in a rush.

KIM KITSURAGI - Kim laughs. Far from it to be embarrassed by your outburst, he seems delighted. It has been a while.
"It's nice to see you too, Harry. I was just..." He looks around, embarrassed of the location for the first time. "Having a night out, I suppose. A regular haunt for me. I'm rather particular in my likes and dislikes."

"THE MOTORWAY SOUTH" BAR - And you can see why. There's something very Kim about the modest furniture and - what is that - torque dork decor? Odd pieces of motor carriages, engines, licence plates, and other assorted machine viscera pepper the walls around the bar and private booth tables. Cute.

INLAND EMPIRE - This is his favourite bar.

KIM KITSURAGI - "This is my favourite bar." His hand comes up to rub the back of his neck.

LOGIC [Easy: Failure] - Must be a popular place.

PERCEPTION - The place is deserted.

RHETORIC [Medium: Failure] - Maybe everyone is just doing Dry January?

REACTION SPEED [Easy: Success] - It's October.

YOU - Oh, shit. Are you crashing Kim's date night? Is he meeting up with another man? You take this opportunity to whip out your own phone, send off a quick text to Speedfreak.

KIM KITSURAGI - "Oh, right. You said you were meeting up with someone, right?"

KIM KITSURAGI'S PHONE - The lieutenant’s phone makes a distinct brrpt sound.

LOGIC [Easy: Failure] - Kim's on Gaydr?

VOLITION - Try again.

LOGIC [Easy: Success] - ...Oh, fuck.

YOU - "You're Speedfreak?"

KIM KITSURAGI - The blood drains from his face, leaving the lieutenant a ghostly shade of white.

VOLITION - This is a man who remains stone-faced whilst looking over corpses. A man who did not flinch, shoulder to shoulder with you at the Mercenary Tribunal. A man who looked with you into the ends of the Earth, and did not blink.

EMPATHY - Your directness has freaked him the fuck out.

KIM KITSURAGI - "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

YOU - You flash him a set of yellowed teeth, accompanied by five or six metal-filled cavities, in what might be the World’s Weakest Attempt at a smile.

KIM KITSURAGI - "You're Kras Mazov?"

YOU - “The one and only.” The pathetic looking smile is still plastered on your lips.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Trivial: Success] - Stop doing that.

YOU - You feel your cheek muscles relax, your face morphing back into the infamous Expression.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - Jeez. Can you go back to the smile?

KIM KITSURAGI - The Lieutenant appears deep in thought, his eyes focused on the bottles behind the bar, his gaze empty and troubled. With his hand pressed against his mouth as though he wants to stop himself from speaking before he’s truly ready.

BEAR-TENDER - A round, hairy man stands behind the bar, cleaning out a glass. He's down the length of the bar, but he calls out to the pair of you anyway, jovially. “What’ll it be, fellas?”

REACTION SPEED - You open your mouth to ask for your usual – the promised pilsner – but the Lieutenant gets there first.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Actually, I believe we were just leaving.”

YOU - “What?”

BEAR-TENDER - “What?” The man chuckles at you both. “You just got here.”

KIM KITSURAGI - The Lieutenant is patting himself down, searching for his wallet. You’ve seen it before, it’s a basic, leathery thing — fattened by years of use and storing far too much inside of it.

EMPATHY - He’s going to leave a tip, at least, for the time you two wasted.

LOGIC - Wasted? This place is deader than a doornail.

ENDURANCE - And besides, you are not going down so easily.

YOU - “Hey, Kim, listen.”

1. [Rhetoric – Easy] - “Why don’t we hang out tonight, as friends?”
2. [SUGGESTION – Impossible] - “Let’s just go have hot, disgusting sex in the hot, disgusting bathroom.”

RHETORIC [Easy: Success] - “Why don’t we hang out tonight, as friends? I feel like I haven’t seen you in so long.”

KIM KITSURAGI - Kim hesitates, his eyeline finally crossing your path.

PAIN THRESHOLD - It burns.

KIM KITSURAGI - The Lieutenant sighs in defeat. “You’re right.”

YOU - You slap the Lieutenant on the shoulder, shaking him just a little in your own annoying-charmer sort of way. “Two pilsners please, bartender!”

KIM KITSURAGI - Kim gives you a smile like he just can’t help himself. “Make mine a sex on the beach.”

YOU - “Yours?”

KIM KITSURAGI - His lips purse, but his grin is still plain to see.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - Something about it makes your stomach feel all warm. A feeling you usually have to drink a whole unit of alcohol before you can achieve.

KIM KITSURAGI - “I truly missed you, Harry.”

YOU - “Maybe you could buy me a drink to prove it to me?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “You’re pushing it.” But he’s still smiling.

AUTHORITY - It makes you want to push your luck all the more.

YOU - As the bartender brings you your two pilsners and Kim’s cocktail, the two of you are met with a stunning kind of awkwardness. Something the two of you have never been familiar with — or perhaps you were always too drunk or too high or too hungover to notice. But it’s clear now, obvious in the dim neon lights.

COMPOSURE - Well. You two have sexted now.

DRAMA - You practically begged to, sire.

YOU - That is not helpful right now.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - That was a wicked orgasm. Best one you’ve had in a while.

LOGIC - Because it was Kim. Or, at least, you were pretending it was.

VOLITION - What’s the phrase? Be careful what you wish for?

YOU - You grip your second pilsner bottle so hard between your fist that it’s a surprise when the glass doesn’t shatter.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Are you alright?”

PERCEPTION - The Lieutenant has barely touched his own drink, contented by playing with the paper umbrella that it came with.

YOU - You let yourself bark out a laugh. “Me? Psh, why wouldn’t I be?”

KIM KITSURAGI - “You seem, ah, tense. It’s unlike you.”

1. [Drama - Hard] - “Me? Tense? Never.”
2. “Well I did think I was going to meet a stranger. Also maybe have a gay experience? And now neither of us are getting laid...”
3. "You wanna get so drunk we don't have to think about how I jerked my hog to your Kras Mazov impression?"

DRAMA - Kim's mouth twists imperceptibly – blink and you'd miss it, sire. But the answer lays out in front of you, like yesterday's stinking corpse. He does not want to think about this, either.

SUGGESTION - Just one little push...

YOU - "First round's on me?"

KIM KITSURAGI - "Yes, okay, you've convinced me." He won't quite meet your eyes.

"THE MOTORWAY SOUTH" BAR - The bar looks better with a few drinks in you. The decor more charming, somehow. Everything is beautiful. And the world is a wonderful place.

YOU - "Kiiim. No Kim, listen. I'm going to do karaoke again. I have what it takes this time."

KIM KITSURAGI - "I do not doubt that, detective." He's looser than usual, with just a hint of mirth on his face.

EMPATHY - It's nice to see him this way.

KIM KITSURAGI - "Not detective, I mean." He pauses. His ears are flushed, probably from the drink. "Harry."

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Very nice.

COMPOSURE - How wonderful it is, to hear him call you by your name.

PAIN THRESHOLD - How terrible it will be when he leaves, and you're alone again.

KIM KITSURAGI - "But, I’m afraid, if you’re going to sing more karaoke, I’m going out to smoke."

AUTHORITY - Oh no, you fucking don't.

YOU - "I'm coming with you!"

KIM KITSURAGI - Kim laughs. His shoulders shake, he sways with it.

CONCEPTUALIZATION - It's the most beautiful sound in the world.

COMPOSURE - Or at least the best one that your sentimental, inebriated brain has had a crack at tonight.

YOU - It's not even a question – you follow him.

SHIVERS - The night air is cold, far colder than it was when you went inside.

YOU - Brrr. What time is it?

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Easy: Failure] - You aren't wearing a watch, shithead.

YOU - Oh.

SHIVERS - It is long past time for the middle-aged men to have fled back to their homes. I can feel them, tucked up by the fireplace with their wives. Smoking their cigarettes.

YOU - Damn. I’m a loser.

DRAMA - You are simply not a hèterôsexuâl, sire.

SHIVERS - You can’t see them, but there are couples all around you, even now. Writhing up against slimy alleyway walls, sinking to their knees behind dumpsters, mouths open against each other.

YOU - Damn. I’m a gigantic loser.

KIM KITSURAGI - The lieutenant leans up against the metal railing separating the pavement from the road.

PERCEPTION - His ass looks really good when he does that.

YOU - Shut up.

KIM KITSURAGI - You watch as he fishes a cigarette from his pocket, no sign of the carton — deft with his fingers — and fishes around himself for his lighter.

YOU - “Oh, here.” You have yours handy, kept safe in the front pocket of your jeans like it always is. Kim tries to take it but you move too fast, bringing it to the cigarette dangling from his lips.

KIM KITSURAGI - The lieutenant is too stunned to even inhale for a second, but you soon see the red cherry in the center brighten as he takes a drag.

PERCEPTION - The smell is practically mouthwatering.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Mhm... nicotine. Delicious, delicious nicotine. That pack of Astras is burning a hole in your pocket.

CARTON OF ASTRAS - Uh oh.

YOU - What's the damage, chief?

EMPTY CARTON OF ASTRAS - Hate to be the one to tell you this, man. But I'm empty. Tapped out. Done.

YOU - The sense of betrayal, unimaginable. To think, you would be abandoned like this, by a fellow comrade. And in your time of need, too!

SUGGESTION - Wait. We can work with this.

1. [Authority - Challenging] - Intimidate Kim into giving you the cigarette.
2. [Suggestion - Medium] - I don't know, maybe, ask Kim if you can share? You know, like a normal person?
3. [Half Light - Hard] - TAKE THE CIGARETTE FROM HIS HANDS. WRESTLE IT FROM HIM LIKE AN ANIMAL. MAKE HIM BLEED.
4. Is this all my options? Can't I come up with something else?

VOLITION [Medium: Failure] - Nope.

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Medium: Failure] - This is it, buddy.

KIM KITSURAGI - He smiles at your predicament, a wry little thing that barely tugs at his cheeks. “Perhaps you would like to share?” He offers the lit cigarette to you.

INTERFACING - Oh, thank god.

CONCEPTUALIZATION - An angel of mercy!

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - The mythical ambrosia... The promised essence...

LOGIC - Be careful now, this is his one.

INLAND EMPIRE - Don't take this for granted.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - The ancient remedy…

YOU - “Thank you.” You take the cigarette from between his fingers, trying to subtly blink tears from your eyelashes. “I won’t forget this.”

KIM KITSURAGI - He's trying to tamp down his smile. "Khm. I would certainly hope not."

SHIVERS - The city winds down as you pass back and forth the dwindling cigarette. Your fingers brush. You can feel the slightly tacky place where his mouth was with your own. Like all good things, this too must come to an end.

YOU - You don’t want it to. You suck on the filter until the ground up tobacco hits your tongue, making you splutter and spit on the ground.

KIM KITSURAGI - He laughs at you, but he makes it feel kind. “I think it’s out.”

YOU - "I don't want it to be!"

KIM KITSURAGI - "That desperate for some nicotine?"

YOU - "No, that means the night will be over, and I don't want you to go."

And then, it begins to rain. It’s not gentle or light, but buckets and buckets of water coming from the clouds. It drenches you before you can even think about going back inside.

KIM KITSURAGI - He sways slightly, wide-eyed, still sobering and bewildered by the sudden change.

COMPOSURE - Nothing like a cold shower to knock some sobriety into you.

INLAND EMPIRE - He's so beautiful. How have you never realized how beautiful he is?

YOU - You wonder what Kim’s thinking. You wonder if he’s thinking the same kind of things.

INLAND EMPIRE - You should kiss him.

REACTION SPEED - What?

LOGIC - Huh?

YOU - What?

INLAND EMPIRE - You should kiss him. Now.

CONCEPTUALIZATION - He certainly looks very kissable.

PERCEPTION - And wet. Very wet. You should get out of the rain.

SHIVERS - That just makes him look more kissable.

VISUAL CALCULUS - His jaw would fit perfectly into the cradle of your hands.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Do NOT ruin this for us. KISS HIM ALREADY.

1. [Volition - Impossible] - Try to resist the urge to kiss him.

VOLITION [Impossible: Failure] - You find yourself lurching forward, through the curtain of rain. Kim barely has a moment to look surprised, dark-pupiled and hair rain-slicked to his face, before you are kissing him.

YOU - You were right. His jaw fits perfectly in your hands.

KIM KITSURAGI - He is so warm, his heat radiates to you, even though you aren't touching – except where your hands frame his face. The world freezes in time, the rain ceases to fall. You feel his hasty exhalation, right up against your mouth.

YOU - Did we guess wrong, was this a bad idea?

SAVOIR FAIRE - Yes.

DRAMA - Almost certainly, sire.

INLAND EMPIRE - No, wait. Just a moment more.

KIM KITSURAGI - Low and behold: the world restarts. The rain soaks you both to the bone anew. And Kim kisses you back.

YOU - You're practically walking on air on the way back home, even through the pouring rain.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - A hand in your hair. A sigh in your mouth. What a wonder it is, being you.

SHIVERS - Tomorrow, you will wake up with a chill, a runny nose, and no shortage of sneezes. The phone will ring.

KIM KITSURAGI - "Hello?" His voice will be scratchy through the phone, but definitely pleased to hear you.

YOU - You'll be pleased to hear him, too.

KIM KITSURAGI - "I was surprised, how much fun I had last night." You can just about see him, receiver pressed to his ear, telephone wire curled around his finger. "I was thinking... how about we get something to eat next time? My treat."

YOU - You can’t help the huge grin that splits your face. How could you say no to that?

SHIVERS - YOU ARE LOVED YOU ARE LOVED YOU ARE LOVED.