Work Text:
He failed
Akutagawa ryuunosuke failed.
Failed to protect Atsushi that day, he saw how the blade cut his porcelain skin of his neck and saw the little smile that he could barely muster as he slowly whispered him to run and to get out of there, he couldn't move, he couldn't believe that it wasn't him on the floor bleeding, he couldn't believe he failed to protect the only thing that was on his eyes for this whole time he was watching him.
It couldn't be true.
It CAN'T be true.
The blood slowly seeping through the cracks of the wood was the last thing he could see before the smoke of the extinguisher washed away Atsushi's body from his sight and he fell through the hole that was initially for both of them to escape.
He couldn't feel anything while on the small boat that took him to the shore, all sense and touch left away in the boat the moment he saw the blood, blood that was on his hands and face because of the proximity of Atsushi to him.
That could have been him.
That should have been him.
How can he have let Atsushi be so reckless.
How can he let Atsushi DIE?
The confused and disappointed stare Ango gave him the moment he was on the shore of the beach, it felt like it was burning him, making holes on his skin, just another reminder that it should have been him who had to have his throat cut, he slowly got up, following Ango's feet like an anchor because he didn't feel anything then, the shock washing away any kind of understanding that could cross his inefficient mind.
How can he be so stupid?
The stares that the other agency members gave him felt like daggers, he knows more than them that it should have been atsushi now, in his place, breathing the air he was now consuming.
His eyes were glued on the floor, they didn't want to see the hurt and disappointed stares from them, he had failed them, he had failed Dazai, he had failed atsushi and he had failed himself, he had swore to protect Atsushi and he couldn't even do that, not even for Dazai, not even for him own self.
His eyes burned but he didnt feel tears coming out of his eyes, he didn't feel his legs at this point, the numbing feeling crawling slowly through his thighs, his fingers burning and aching every moment as he buried his nails on his palms, cutting through the skin and blood seeping through them, the only thing keeping him in ground out of his state of shock. the blood slowly going to the floor.
He didn't hear anything, the silence of the room slowly consuming him, nobody saying even a word to him, leaving him to hear Atsushi's broken voice resonate through his ears like the sound of waves in a seashell, he felt like cotton was on his brain and ear and every sound was muffled by them, the numbness was all across to his waist, he couldn't feel his legs anymore, he slid down the wall that was behind him, not a single sound of anyone on the room making him dizzy, like he wasn't even there, like anything had not happened, like Atsushi wasn't dead and his body was on the filthy hands of fukuchi, just for the thought of it made him sick to his stomach.
Just to think that he disposed of Atsushi's body like it was nothing made him sick.
The silence was broken, sobs resonated through the room, he felt his body shaking while the sobs broke out of his throat, his bloody hands going through his hair and pulling, his eyes burned, his feet were cold and numb and the only thing in his mind was the blood on the wood of the ship, the little smile with little fangs that showed him like everything was alright even when he was bleeding to death, his throat felt raw and his eyes burned from tears but he couldn't do anything, the tears slipped down and his head started to hurt from pulling his hair so much, he needed to get out of there, away from prying eyes and judgmental stares but his legs didn't move, the tears didnt stop, his nails were starting to cut his head from how he was gripping his hair and some of the black soft locs were starting to fall down to the floor from the force.
it was taunting, the crying didn't stop until he felt empty like no other tear could come down his face, his throat was hoarse and tasted like blood and his hands fell limp from the force with little locs of black hair with them, everything hurt and nothing felt numb like before, he could feel every pair of eyes that were staring at him all of this time.
He made an error of looking up to see their faces.
He made the mistake of coming here in the first place.
Kyoukas face was enough to make him flee from the scene, her eyes empty like void and tears slowly coming down her face, her pale face seemed like all of her blood never existed, her eyes were enough to makes his legs move out of the room.
He was running, escaping, jumping to roof to roof like he could get back to the ship if he runned enough he could've save atsushi and switch their places, if he runned enough he could've save atsushi if he was enough to do it, he could have he could have he could have-
In akutagawa's attempt to run, he didn't notice the cables that were on the next building and he tumbled through the roof, falling and rolling until he crashed with an air vent, the air of his lungs coming out with the crash of his back with it.
When he shifted to have his back on the ground, he heaved for air, the moment he opened his eyes the moon was there to greet him, a full moon was shining proudly on his eyes, how can the moon shine without Atsushi? How can the stars be there with the moon but he cannot be there with his moon? How can he breathe with the weight of Atsushi's death on his shoulders?
Life never was on the good side for him.
The light of the moon was never warm, it shined so brightly tonight but never gave him an ounce of warmth, it was comfortably cold, like Atsushi's smile on the ship, his smiles were always warm,big and full of energy and love, this time his smile was small, but even when it was that little it brightened that moment, and finally, it didn't have that warmth in it, devoid of it.
Akutagawa never came home that night, he spent the entire night on the rooftop gazing at the moon, seeing the brightness of Atsushi's broken smile on the moonlight.