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Scrutinized by the intense studio lights, Kami ached to wipe the droplets of moisture that were clinging to his upper lip.
His feet were starting to ache from standing still in the same spot for what must have been nearly ten minutes now, and his brain was slowly being fried beneath the lavender wig that framed his face.
He tried to listen to Gackt’s introduction of their new single but the words didn’t register anymore. Every rivulet of sweat that ran down his heavily made-up face did, though.
Besides, he had heard it more times than he could count by now. In a dozen different studios for a dozen different TV shows he had never heard of because he didn’t watch variety fare.
As a drummer, he was used to being in the background more than the others, and had no qualms about being there. But lately… he couldn’t pinpoint when exactly it had started. They were caught in some kind of maelstrom after their incredibly successful tour, and new kinds of media were starting to take notice of them.
No, he corrected himself. Not them.
Their vocalist.
The broader audience they reached was falling in love with him, becoming wrapped around his finger, and Kami couldn’t blame them. After all - so was he.
When they were moved to the studio where their performance would be recorded, Kami was finally given a reprieve of the bright lights.
Instead, all the spots were pointed at Gackt. From Kami’s position in the back, his boyfriend looked more dazzling and distant than ever. When delivering this song his voice carried a forlorn emotion Kami had not heard before, and this new arrangement allowed it to shine even more.
During the chorus, Gackt’s singing and Kami’s drumming were the only live sounds in the studio while the rest mimicked to a track. But Kami was just going through the motions at that point. A camera came closer for his split second of screen time, while Gackt had two of them permanently focused on his figure and his face.
The vocalist was radiant and seemed to grow ever larger while Kami felt like he was shrinking to the back further.
When it was over and it was announced to them that this was their final promo for the day, he felt exhausted and numb. Back in the dressing room he removed his make-up and cleaned his face, all while watching the reflection of Gackt and their manager in the mirror. They were off slightly by themselves, having a conversation that Kami’s ears could not pick up.
Hosokawa-san giggled a few times, her hand covering her smile while her eyes were sparkling as she looked up at the vocalist.
She too, Kami knew, was wrapped around the younger man’s finger.
Little over a week had passed since he had overheard them in the little kitchen located on their office’s floor. It was late at night and everyone had parted ways after a long meeting, but Kami had stuck around for a bit to rearrange his kit in the recording studio.
A clattering noise, as if something fell over, sounding from behind the door had stopped him in his tracks when he was leaving - he had been convinced that he was the only one left.
Then, he heard a woman’s labored breathing mixed in with suppressed moaning.
Every nerve in his body had screamed for him to leave. Nevertheless, he couldn’t stop himself from standing behind the door and listening intently.
More shuffling around, and his ears had picked up the woman’s choked-off voice:
“Gakuto-san—“
He had expected to be angry, and while he certainly was, the crushing feeling of defeat was greater. He had known that his boyfriend fooled around but until now he had somehow avoided directly seeing it, allowing him to fool himself into pretending that it didn’t happen.
Throwing caution to the wind, he had given the door a slight nudge, and peeked inside.
The little room was dark save for the fluorescent tube lamp above the tiny kitchen counter. Sat on it was their half-naked and disheveled manager. Her quivering legs were spread wide, pencil skirt hoisted up high and stockings ripped apart, the back of Gackt’s head between them. The vocalist was knelt on the floor and had been eating her out while one hand pushed at the back of her thigh to keep her from slipping off the counter, and the other played with her exposed breast.
She had one hand gripping the counter edge and despite her other hand covering her mouth, she failed at suppressing the sounds she was making, growing more urgent by the second.
Kami had forced himself to step away from the door and walked on briskly, not caring if he was heard. His fingers had a death grip on his car key while he rode the elevator down to the parking lot and when he had jammed it in the engine, his hands gripped the wheel instead.
He had wanted nothing more than to go home, but he waited.
When Gackt had come down ten minutes later, Kami had practically grabbed him and proceeded to vent his anger in the worst way possible - fucking the vocalist in his car while ignoring the other’s pleas of wanting to talk. Gackt had been whimpering apologies after he had soiled Kami’s backseat, but Kami never directly confronted him about what he had seen.
He knew why - he was scared.
Scared that the thin thread tying Gackt to him, to their group, would snap at the slightest upset and he would float away and out of reach like a hot air balloon.
He should have seen it coming when their management announced that they would release a single cut of Gackt’s song. But the unease did not really manifest until they were paraded from TV show to TV show for days on end, and Kami realized that him and the others were literally taking a backseat while the media people were only interested in Gackt.
Gackt soaked up the attention so naturally, so overwhelmingly, and Kami couldn’t tell whether he was aware of the festering tension with the others. With him.
Any sensible person would, right?
But, Kami had to remind himself, Gackt was nothing like other bandmen. He had known that since their first meeting.
He watched Hosokawa-san excuse herself and loathed the double punch of distrust that landed in his gut when looking at Gackt not just as his boyfriend, but also as his band mate - was he trying to pocket her?
He averted his gaze to re-focus on his own reflection as Gackt approached him next.
“Otsukare. We still on for tonight?”
***
The single released, becoming their best charting so far, and as promotional work quieted down and the weeks went by Kami watched as the relationship he thought he and Gackt had deteriorated.
They only saw each other during meetings which became less frequent as they entered an interval period, and when Gackt wanted to fuck. More often than not, there would be others.
It was at the end of October when Kami finally made up his mind and went for a confrontation. He showed up unannounced at the vocalist’s tenth new apartment that year, and threatened to scratch up his car if he was not let in.
Kami was surprised to even find Gackt at home as he had been practically impossible to reach by phone, but the reason for that became clear as soon as he saw the vocalist’s working space. It looked as if this corner of the place was the only spot where he spent time as his favorite lounge chair and even his exercise mat and dumbbells had been moved here. Full ashtrays and paper littered the desk and grand piano.
He looked towards Gackt, who was leaning in the door frame. His boyfriend looked pristine as always but had a slouch that said that he hadn’t slept in days.
“Been keeping busy?”
Venom was on the tip of his tongue.
Gackt gave him a quick sidelong glance and shrugged.
“Somebody has to.”
Kami stretched out his fingers by his side to keep his fists from clenching.
“We’re going for a drive. Get you some fresh air.”
***
Surrounded by the vibrant pink and amber of the autumn dusk sky, the majestic silhouette of Mount Fuji peeked over the mountain range across the Yabitsu Pass.
Kami had driven them in his car and thanks to the rush hour traffic, they made it there only just before sunset.
Now he was sipping his canned coffee as they watched the thin gold trim of sunlight caressing the mountain peaks melt to give way to the carpet of tiny lights that started to dot the quickly darkening valley below.
Gackt was in the passenger’s seat with his elbow resting on the open window, the soft breeze taking smoldering ashes from his lit cigarette with it. Watching the scenery with heavy-lidded, sleepy eyes that looked like they could close any second. His hair perfectly matched the color of the foliage outside.
Kami used to enjoy these quiet moments. They had gone to see over a dozen of these nighttime views already, some multiple times during different seasons.
“Gaku…,” he started reluctantly.
“Hm?”
“I… I don’t get you, lately.”
The vocalist’s eyes fell closed and he sighed heavily, almost dejectedly, as if he had seen this coming and was dreading it just as much as Kami.
“Is this about what happened with Hosokawa-san? I’m sor—,” he started, but Kami interrupted.
“No, it’s… bigger than that. You’ve been quiet at meetings and showing up late.”
Gackt did not respond.
“What are you thinking? Just talk to me,” Kami pushed.
He watched for any readable reaction but saw nothing. Then the other spoke up.
“I’m not having this conversation.”
Kami couldn’t believe his ears and tried to suppress his quickly flaring anger before he spoke again.
“What?”
Gackt continued, his voice unwavering.
“There’s a time and a place for it. Not here, not now. Not with you.”
Kami was letting his inner demons out before he knew it.
“Why not with me?? This concerns me, too. Us.”
No reaction.
“You’re… you’re somewhere else. Even now it’s not like you’re really here.”
Gackt’s bare eyes opened to look at him. Kami searched them, looking for answers.
“I think you’re conflating things. Please stop it.”
He sounded so sincere that it gave Kami pause.
“Gaku… are you even aware of the situation?”
“I’ve been crystal clear about what I want from the beginning. What is it that you want?”
Kami was at a loss for an answer.
When Gackt sighed again and abruptly exited the car Kami shouted and nearly ripped the door on his side from its hinges as he made a mad dash after him.
“Don’t you— fuck, you’re so unfair!!”
The force with which his body collided with the vocalist’s in an effort to grab him sent them both tumbling a few meters down the leaf-covered slope.
They grappled, Gackt trying to get away while Kami tried to restrain him. But the ground was slippery and Kami’s emotional state got the better of him - he was overpowered and ended up pinned beneath the other. Nevertheless Kami held his square shoulders in a death grip, not letting go.
He looked up at Gackt’s face and dark eyes, which looked at him almost pleadingly. His boyfriend spoke up after catching his breath, his voice uneven and small.
“Let me go…”
The thread was unraveling in his hand.
He shook his head.
“I can’t…,” his hand moved to touch the vocalist’s face, desperate to keep that connection.
His thumb traced across the other’s dry mouth as it pleaded with him. He leaned up to silence it, wetting it with his tongue.
The two hands on his own shoulders tightened their grip and arousal coiled in his stomach.
You belong here…
Kami ground their pelvises together, feeling them both harden quickly. When he broke off their kiss he kept their faces close and sought eye contact, but Gackt’s gaze was blank.
“Gaku…,” he urged.
Something inside the vocalist seemed to snap and he scrunched his eyes shut as he rubbed his clothed hardness against Kami’s.
Heat pooled between them and he felt wetness stain his underwear already. Groaning, Kami held himself up with one hand and thrust the other down to press them closer together. Tortured gasps rang in his ears and the younger man’s hips twitched against him and his hand.
The discomfort, his anger, his sadness, everything felt heavenly to him in that moment. Grinding his hips up furiously, he climaxed faster than he ever had in recent memory.
Gackt was right behind him - one of his hands left Kami’s shoulders to stifle his cry as his body arched and trembled.
Then, he collapsed next to Kami.
The drummer listened to the rustling leaves and watched stars start to glimmer at him from the slightly overcast sky. Not knowing for how long they just laid there while he let his body go limp and his mind blank.
When Kami next opened his eyes darkness had completely settled in and Gackt was gone. Hearing the engine of his car running, he climbed back to the top of the slope and found the vocalist inside it with the heater turned on.
He drove them back to Tokyo and Gackt’s apartment in silence. Coming to terms with everything.
When Gackt left his car, muttering “goodnight”, it had the finality of a goodbye.