Work Text:
It was raining when I woke up today. At least I think so. But the weather seems dull every day, so it doesn’t change anything. In any case, it will probably rain again tomorrow. But that’s okay. He liked the rain.
The fridge was empty. Too bad. I’ll eat later. I’m not hungry anyway.
I took my bag. My computer hadn’t moved. Oh.
When I went to put on my shoes, a cat meowed, rubbing against me.
«Hello Doongie», I greeted him by petting him briefly.
He answered me. As if to tell me to take food on the way. Or I’m going crazy. Yeah maybe it’s the case, after all, today it was raining.
I didn’t take an umbrella. I forgot. Yet I knew it was raining. The dull sound of the drops on the tar, the feeling of a caress when they slip on my skin, and the discomfort of being soaked. Yes I knew. But I still forgot.
I might be sick tomorrow. He liked the rain. But he might have scolded me.
I almost missed my bus. The rain distracted me. Yesterday too. But someone touched me, telling me that the bus was there. I should have thanked him. But I forgot. And I don’t know who it was anymore.
I didn’t eat on the way. I forgot. Again.
I don’t really know what the classes were about. I don’t remember. I feel like I have some fog on my mind. He liked the fog too. I was lent a charger for my computer. I should have taken it out last night. I should have remembered. Too bad. I should return the charger to its owner. I should mark it somewhere. I should not forget. He seemed like a great guy. I liked his hair. I think he would have liked it too if he was here.
And then I went home. It was still raining. His mother brought me food. I felt like I only was trouble for her. The rain suddenly looked stronger. I couldn’t hear anything else. The cat’s bowl was full. I left my laptop in my bag. I’ll get it out later.
I went to bed early. I needed to forget. After all, today it was raining.
---------
Today his mother called me. She told me that she had tried to get me several times before but I hadn’t picked up. Ah. I didn’t see it. Or I forgot. I don’t know anymore.
She told me she would make me an appointment with a therapist. I didn’t understand why. I was fine. It was raining. I told her so. And that maybe I would forget too. She just said she’d take me there. She hung up. The rest of the day seemed blurry to me. Yet it was a good day. It was raining.
---------
"Why do you love the rain so much?"
“He loved it.”
“And… Didn’t he like the sun?”
“No. He liked it too.”
“So why do you hate it so much?”
I couldn’t answer that.
----------
Today it was raining. But I took an umbrella. I don’t really know why.
It was his. And I remembered that even though he loved the rain so much, he always had an umbrella with him.
--------
I didn’t miss my bus this morning. Nor yesterday either. Under his umbrella, I was like protected of everything. The man of the last time smiled when he saw me waiting. He made me smile too.
I returned the charger. I didn’t forget for once. It was raining. He thanked me. I’m not sure why. I should have done that. He talked to me as well. He didn’t seem to mind that I didn’t really answer. A nice guy, I guess.
I bought food. Instant noodles. Rice. I didn’t really want that for once.
I filled the cat’s bowl. They looked happy.
I put my computer to charge. My phone too.
I have not forgotten.
---------
Today it was sunny. I didn’t get up. I was told that this could happen.
---------
I didn’t want to speak today. So we drew. I still ended up telling her about him. She seemed really interested. She told me that maybe I should watch another one of our favorite movies. My favorite movie I mean. I don’t know if he loved it that much. I cried. I didn’t get out the next day.
---------
The guy of the bus seemed happy to see me again. The guy from my class came to sit next to me. He didn’t ask about me missing the days before. I don’t know if I would have told him the truth if he had. I learned his name is Chan. Or Christopher. He’s Australian apparently. We saved each other’s numbers at the end of the class. I forgot mine for a moment. I smiled akwardly. He didn’t make fun of me. Yeah, a nice guy.
I was buying vegetables at the supermarket when he sent me the first message. I did not feel able to answer him until the next morning.
I watched a new movie after I cooked something basic. The cats stayed by my side all along. The caresses must have been missed. I forgot how much I love them. How much we loved them.
----------
“See you later, Soonie, Doongie, Dori. Don’t do anything stupid.”
Today it wasn’t raining. I was disappointed.
I had nothing to make breakfast at home, so I went for a cheesecake in a cafe not really far from home. He loved this place so much. And this cake. Or maybe it was me? I can’t remember.
I asked the waiter if they were recruiting. I surprised myself. I didn’t know if I was able to work for now. He replied that he didn’t know, and that he would ask and that I only had to come back later in the week for an answer. I was glad he didn’t say yes right away. I wished him a good day. He smiled at me. I did the same. It was akward. I don’t think I will come back here.
The bus’ boy wasn’t there. It worried me all day. It wasn’t alike him. Even if he’s sick, he’s the type to still come to school.
Chan and I became partners on our mid-year project. He looked very happy. My work isn’t the best, though. He seemed to think otherwise. I wasn’t convinced, but it made me happy.
--------
Even though it was raining today, I didn’t feel like getting up. I felt it wasn’t going to be a good day.
I didn’t have time to get a coffee before I took the bus. I almost missed it.
“Hello.”
I sat next to the guy of the bus. I didn’t ask him if things were better. I didn’t like it being asked to me. Seungmin looked like a puppy. I told him. He looked upset for a short moment, but he still blushed. He’s cute. I asked him for his phone number. I almost died of stress doing it, but Seungmin gave me such a big smile that I didn’t think long about it.
Chan introduced me to one of his friends, Changbin. He didn’t seem to like me. I didn’t dare talk much.
“It’s a bit like running away from a ghost. You run, run, terrorized. But what can he do if you turn around? He won’t do anything, will he? He’ll leave because he can’t scare you anymore. He’s just a ghost after all. And even if he surely have a good reason to be here, chasing you, if facing him directly is too hard, you still have to learn to look at him in the eye, step by step.”
Step by step.
And then I got a letter on my way home. It was an association that looks after people and their lives outside of their disease. They wanted me to come to a meeting as a relative of one.
The fog was back. Opaque. And if he liked the fog, I hated it.
I couldn’t get up the next day.
---------
Seungmin told me to call him when I felt better.
Chan was worried.
I couldn’t answer the phone.
The sound of rain was pounding in my ears.
---------
When I woke up, I could hear voices in my kitchen. I discovered Chan and Changbin there. They seemed happy to see me on my two feet. They told me that they had meet his mother in front of my door, and that she had given them food for me. I had forgotten that I gave my address to Chan. It didn’t happen to me now, to forget. It surprised me. I wondered what Changbin was doing there, but he was so worried about me that I didn’t ask any questions. I didn’t tell them about him. Just the appointment. They got it. I think.
I called Seungmin. He seemed relieved to hear me. He asked me if I wanted to go out, to change my mind, but only if I felt good enough.
"But don’t feel obligated, okay?"
I just asked if Chan and Changbin could come. He agreed. My two classmates seemed happy by the invitation.
We found ourselves an hour later inside a cat café. Seungmin, Chan and Changbin spoke together while I watched them quietly, sipping my drink. A young man with freckles approached our table with our cakes’ order. He gave my friends' theirs before ending with mine.
“And a chocolate muffin for you.”
I had not ordered a cheesecake. I had a happy smile as I thanked him.
And for a moment, I felt happy. Free.
And for a moment, I thought he’d like this place too.
But only for a moment, because he would have liked me to enjoy rather than thinking of him.
When I got up, later, I saw a paper on the front door. They were recruiting. I would think about it. Step by step.
---------
“It’s not a bad thing to think of him, it’s just thinking only about him that is.”
---------
I accepted the invitation. I said yes. It was a day where I felt brave. Maybe it was raining. I don’t really like the rain. But I feel like he’s close to me on those days. Or at least he is a little more than other days.
I asked Changbin to come with me. I thought that since I knew him less, he wouldn’t have a problem. He didn’t seem like the type to ask too many questions. I was thankful about that.
----------
I went back to the cat café on a Saturday. Alone. I spent a few hours there, on my computer, working. A few cats got on me. Soongie, Doongie and Dori were going to sulk tonight. It made me laught for a bit. The drinks were good too. The freckled boy wasn’t here today. It was another young man. Tall. Handsome. Short black hair. I may have stared at him a few times.
I left my resume on my way out. This time, I really wanted to get out of my comfort zone. Nothing bad could happen, right?
----------
We had a fight with Chan about our project. He apologized right away. Like he was walking on eggshells with me. I’m not made of glass.
----------
The room was rather small. There were sick people. And people who weren’t. Or not anymore at least. I felt out of place. Changbin, too, seemed uncomfortable. He didn’t know anybody. I knew too many people.
“You look better. I’m glad you are moving on.”
Ah. Moving on? I had a nervous laugh. I don’t think I can move on that easily. And even if I could, I know he will always be there, between the lines. Because he’s like that. Because he was like that. Without shame. He was able to come and invite himself wherever was possible. And he still does it, now, with my life. But that’s okay. Because he is no longer a blinding light. He is no longer a smothering fog. He is no longer the pouring rain on the tar. No, he’s not all that anymore. He’s just him, and that was enough for me.
“I don’t think they know what it feels like. I mean, being sick. Or losing someone because of a illness.”
It was a young man. Ratherly long hair. Eyes of a smart and quiet fox.
“I don’t know what it’s like to be sick.” I answered.
“And I don’t know what it’s like to lose someone because of a disease.” He said. “ But you can imagine better than others. Because the pain is not the same, but it remains strong, because in any case, everything falls apart and nothing can be done against it.”
Fate. Luck. Or bad luck. Why me? Why him? What have I done worse than others? What has he done to deserve this? Because sometimes questions don’t have answers.
I wanted to cry. Maybe he did, too. Because even if you get a chance to get out of this hell, you never get to be as free as before. I held him in my arms.
“It’s gonna be okay.”
Because it had to be okay. Life goes on.
---------
"How was he?" Changbin asked in the car.
“Free. Free as the rain.”
And maybe I cried. Or maybe it was just the rain.
---------
I was hired at the coffee shop where I became a regular. My schedule had become a bit busy, but at least I wasn’t sitting at home alone anymore. I officially met the two waiters there; Felix and his pretty freckles and his sunshine smile and Hyunjin and his extraordinary beauty and his stupidity that made him almost more perfect. The atmosphere was good, we laughed, joked and even if sometimes a customer could be rude and break the mood, I always left the building with a smile on my face. I was happy.
----------
Today it was sunny. Yet I went to talk to Chan. I told him that I appreciated him being worried about me, but that he didn’t have to be careful around me. I was feeling better.
I think at that point, while saying those words, I realized myself that I was feeling better. And my body relaxed. And I smiled. For real. Eyes half open, teeth visible. A smile that give you sore cheeks.
Yes, I was okay now.
----------
In fact, life started again. It was different from before. He wasn’t there after all. But I loved living anyway. I welcomed the sun again with joy when it rose.
Every morning or almost I made my bus ride with Seungmin. Sometimes even, when one of us was early, he waited outside the other’s door. Classes were going smoothly with Chan and Changbin, and our mid-year project was a great success. When we had time, the three of us went to the gym. That was our little meeting of the week (where we could gossip in peace). From time to time I would have a coffee or two with Jeongin, or I would work at the cat café with Hyunjin and Felix. They sometimes took me to dance with them at a small studio in the city. Ever since they learned that I danced succinctly younger, they absolutely wanted me to come with them. And just the look they gave me when I accepted was a reward in itself.
And sometimes, the seven of us, would have a drink together.
Because life wasn’t so bad now.
But sometimes I wish he could have met them.
So sometimes I tell them about him.
-------
And his mother waited for me to sort out his stuff. She seemed happy to see me there, away from the rain.
I invited my friends to help us with her agreement. I wanted them to meet him.
I apologized to her.
“You don’t have to apologize. He wanted to see you happy.”
Maybe we spent more time telling stories, looking at photo albums, debating about the books on his library, posters on his walls, than actually cleaning. But I think that was important for his mother and me, it made us feel better. Because even if he was no longer there, his memory remains the same in our hearts.
And sometimes I imagine, if he was still here.
And I think that he would have loved Felix, and that he would have spent afternoons cooking with him. Or maybe dancing with him and Hyunjin.
He would have liked to tease Hyunjin. He would have liked to eat with Changbin.
Yes, he would have liked to bicker with Seungmin, and bury Jeongin under all his love. He would have liked to have a hyung like Chan.
I like to think he would have been happy to be here. Even when it’s not raining.
Then I’d be happy for two.
Because Lee Minho liked to see me smile.