Work Text:
What does it mean to belong?
It is a simple question, too simple for the genius, Master Architect Kaveh, The Light of Kshahrewar. Well, that’s what other people would say or think, anyway.
To belong means to be the property or possession of something, or someone…
To belong means to feel at peace, at home. Mind, heart and soul wise. It is something that forms slowly without you knowing, and you come to notice it later on that you are attached, craving the comfort, the peace that belonging brings, making you feel accepted, understood, safe.
At home.
He didn’t understand what it meant at first, when he was so much younger. All he knew was that there was a warm feeling in his heart, as warm as his home, full of joy, warmth, and so full of love and admiration at the idea of his dear family.
His mother was a scholar from The Kshahrewar darshan, while his father was a scholar of The Rtawahist darshan. His mother pursued architecture, while his father knew of all the stars, constellations.
Kaveh didn’t get to live with the comfort to belong for long. If only he kept his mouth shut, none of this would have happened, it’s all his fault.
He had seen the diadem, and he loved how beautiful it looked. His father noticed this, promising him that he would join the inter-darshan championship and win. That he would bring the diadem to Kaveh and that he could have it for a few days.
Kaveh encouraged his father. Admired him.
If only he kept his damn mouth shut.
Kaveh’s father had lost the championship, and fell silent. Not long after, his father had gone to the desert and vanished, never coming back home. People suspect it was quicksand. Kaveh’s mother fell into deep sorrow. She fell into silence and despair when her husband vanished forever. She stopped working, barely slept and ate, she spent most of the time crying or in silence.
Kaveh took care of his mother without a word, he was around 14 that time, if he’s remembering correctly. He sat beside her, embracing her, supporting her without too much of a talk happening between them. He cooked and took care of the messy house, he sometimes burnt the food, or his hands. But he never screamed, never cried in front of his sorrowful mother, whose pain was so much bigger than Kaveh’s. He always kept to himself, hid the red on his hands from the burn so his mother didn’t get worried or guilty and added this to her sadness, thinking she was a bad mother. That was the last thing Kaveh wanted her to think.
It was all his fault, after all. His fault that his father joined the championship and vanished in the end, his fault that his mother fell into depression because of it. His fault that their once warm home, now became one that was full of sadness, and so cold.
At the age 13, he takes the heavy weight of burden, blame and guilt of harming his parents so deeply. Carrying this crushing weight on his shoulders.
He was 16 when he enrolled in the Kshahrewar darshan. And his mother travelled to Fontaine to distract herself, see new places. Kaveh was busy, reading and writing and working hard.
His mother returned to Sumeru not too long later, giving him the news that she received a job offer in Fontaine. Kaveh smiled at his mother, saying he’s happy for her, even though he knew he would be left all alone for long when she left. Knew his loneliness would haunt him in the quiet house.
He never showed it. His mother deserves to be happy, she deserves to go and be happy somewhere else. And Kaveh …
Kaveh deserves to be left alone. He deserves to live under the shadow of guilt and burden. He is the reason of his mother’s pain, after all.
It's not long he gets to spend with his mother before she has to leave. The ship to Fontaine will be sailing soon.
There are no words exchanged between them as his mother looks into his eyes and speaks: "Will you be okay, Kaveh?"
Kaveh puts on a smile. He doesn't put on a sad, disappointed face even if his eyes burn, he can’t breathe and his lungs are burning. He knows that if he does, a sob will escape him and betray the smile he's put on. He knows his mother needs this, he knows his mother deserves to get away from the pain this place brings, get away from the house and all the memories that bring so much sadness. He'll miss her, he'll miss her so much. She's the only person he has left. She's his only family left after his father's death. He needs his mother, he doesn't want to let go of another person so important to him.
He doesn't want to be alone.
Yet he smiles, he smiles so brightly. "I'll be okay, ma. I'm all grown up now, I can take care of myself just fine, you don't have to worry about me." He lies, he forms the words so easily.
There's a voice sounding from behind, announcing the ship to Fontaine is ready to sail. They are taking in the passengers.
His mother turns his head back to Kaveh, a smile is tugging at her lips as she reaches out his arms to Kaveh, and Kaveh doesn't hesitate before he finds his way into his mother's warm embrace. He hugs her so tightly, he doesn't notice that he's stopped breathing again. His lungs and heart is on fire, and at the same time, he's suffocating; his rib cage squeezing his heart so painfully. He's crying. He does it oh so silently, silent as he cries to himself. Drowns under the tears invisible to the outside eye.
' Don’t go ', his heart screams. ' I'm not ready, please, don't leave. Please, stay .'
' Please, don't leave me too .'
Kaveh's arms are wrapped around his mother’s body tightly, and he hopes she doesn't notice how his hold gets a bit tighter than it was, hopes she doesn't notice how he tries to stay in the comfort of her embrace just a second longer. Not wanting to let go. He can't. But eventually, he has to, and soon they part from their hold on each other. His mother takes hold of the briefcase on the ground instead, and looks at Kaveh one last time before she walks towards the ship.
Kaveh waves his hand in goodbye as the ship leaves Port Ormos, it's only when his mother's figure blurs that he lowers his hand. He looks on in silence. Looks on even after the ship had long left Port Ormos and disappeared from sight. Looks on long after the setting sun is replaced by the moon.
It's only when he steps into his quiet, way too quiet home--
No, not home. He corrects himself. This is merely a house. Merely a building. It lacks the warmth for Kaveh to call it a home, lacks his now broken family.
He closes the door after him quietly before he drags his feet to the sofa in the living room and sits down. And it's right then when the weight on his shoulders suddenly feels too heavy. The weight on his heart is too heavy. His guilt a constant reminder.
It is then that he drowns under his tears, pulls his legs up to his chest and buries his head as he sobs loudly. His body shakes with each sob that tears itself out of his mouth. He’s on fire. It burns, and it hurts. It hurts so much. His eyes, his lungs, his heart-- his whole body. Everything hurts. He mutters endless apologies, apologising to his father, apologising to his mother, to himself, To his now broken family and the cold house.
His body only finds rest only after hours of crying, when Kaveh falls into slumber on the sofa from exhaustion, and his last thought is begging to dream. Dream of his family before everything.
But of course, he isn't granted such a wish. For the people of Sumeru don't dream.
He’s 18 when a letter from Fontaine arrives. It's from his mother, and she writes about a man who made her happy again. How she found happiness and reassurance in Fontaine. How she is planning to remarry and she is inviting Kaveh to the wedding. Kaveh writes back, congratulating her on her newfound happiness, and that he would be attending the wedding happily.
He wears a fine, white suit to the wedding. Sees her mother smile once more next to the man.
She deserves this. She deserves to be happy and start another life away from Sumeru, away from pain. Away from Kaveh.
He’s happy for his mother.
So then, why does he feel lost? Why does the heavy emptiness of his heart threaten to swallow him whole?
He’s back at Sumeru after the wedding, back in the silent, cold house. And he’s reminded once again that he’s alone. He will always be alone. With his guilt, he convinces himself that he doesn’t deserve anything good. He doesn’t deserve kindness, not after killing his father. Not after everything that’s happened. The weight on his shoulders brings him pain, and it is the only thing he finds comfort in. The guilt engulfing his heart is a constant reminder that he deserves every bad, unlucky thing that shall come his way. And he finds comfort in its pain.
It is what he deserves. He convinces himself.
He’s 19 when he meets the Haravatat scholar at the House of Daena, where he came to do his homework. The Haravatat scholar was sitting alone at a table, rather than at the table where other Haravatat scholars are sitting together, Kaveh thinks he must have gotten into some trouble, so passes by the group of scholars and walks to the table where he sits all by himself, book in hand. Al-Haitham is his name, his junior, younger than him by two years. He smiles when he greets Al-Haitham, Al-Haitham greets him back without so much of a glance. Kaveh forces his fallen smile back on, and takes a seat in front of Al-Haitham.
Al-Haitham is focused on the book, so Kaveh waits for a little while, but even after 10 minutes pass, Al-Haitham makes no movement to talk to Kaveh, so Kaveh takes the matter into his own hands.
‘’What are you reading?’’ Kaveh asks, honestly curious as to what has him so focused like that. And Al-Haitham finally lifts his head and his eyes meet Kaveh’s. Kaveh’s mind goes blank.
Al-Haitham’s eyes are sharp, and they are the prettiest shade of teal, red adorning the middle of his eyes. Slightly widening as he takes Kaveh in.
‘’The understanding of architecture in King Deshret’s civilization.’’
If it was possible, Kaveh is sure his eyes would have sparkles in them.
‘’Really?? I’ve read that book before! I should have left my annotations…’’ Kaveh said, standing up from his seat to sit closer to Al-Haitham.
‘’Oh. You mean these annotations are your work?’’ Al-Haitham turns to him, ‘’they are way too long.’’
‘’Hey! Well, they are long because I describe and highlight the key points thoughtfully and nicely! I annotate long because I put all my thoughts and mind into it. Of course they can’t be short.’’ Kaveh retorts, crossing his arms over his chest defensively.
Al-Haitham’s lips make the slightest upturn, and a sound similar to a chuckle comes from him.
‘’Senior…’’
‘’...Ka..v…’’ Kaveh’s mind turns foggy as his junior’s chuckle fades away, mist engulfing him.
‘’...veh..?..’’ ‘’Ka…veh.?.’’
‘’Kaveh?’’
Kaveh feels a touch around his waist, an arm, he figures. Strong, yet so tender as it wraps around him and pulls him close, and his head rests comfortably on a shoulder.
He blinks the mist around him away, and he’s met with the faint coffee scent. Al-Haitham is right beside him, one arm protectively wrapped around his waist as he rests his head on Kaveh’s, there’s a book in his hand, full of annotations from a handwriting that he recognizes. He feels Al-Haitham’s eyes on him before his deep, dripping with honey voice fills Kaveh’s ears.
‘’Welcome back home.’’ He says, and Kaveh knows Al-Haitham is looking at him with those eyes again, those teal eyes, full of fondness.
Al-Haitham doesn’t let the silence go on for long as he turns the book in hand towards Kaveh a little more, finger pointing and tracing the annotations written by himself. ‘’I've annotated some more things here that I think you might have forgotten, I think they are good additions beside your thinking. Take a look.’ Al-Haitham says, before basically shoving the book in Kaveh’s hands.
Kaveh reads the annotations with lazy eyes, he reads until a specific part of Al-Haitham’s annotation catches his curiosity, so he traces the beautiful handwriting of Al-Haitham on the annotation with his finger and asks Al-Haitham: why? ‘’What was your thinking behind this?’’ and Al-Haitham begins explaining, they argue on some points that Kaveh thinks can be viewed differently, Al-Haitham counters every one of them back. Familiarity in their banters that go along the lines. Al-Haitham is looking at him smugly, like he won their ongoing argument.
Maybe he did. It’s enough to drive the thoughts of the past from Kaveh’s mind away.
Birthdays are special occasions to remember family. For Kaveh, his birthdays are painful. He prefers to spend his day in the comfort of silence, dwelling on the past, ifs and possibilities.
Family is where you feel at home, where you feel you belong, heart, soul and mind wise. That’s what he has always thought.
So tell him,
Why does it pain him, crush him when he dares to think of such a thing?
His guilt gnaws at him constantly. Does he deserve to belong to the same place he ruined with his own words? Does he deserve to belong anywhere, anyone else after that?
Kaveh longs to belong, deep down, he longs to feel warmth once again. Longs for the love and a sense of home he denies himself. He doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve any of it. Yet, he longs. He must be selfish.
It’s all so confusing. All so confusing feeling warmth fill his heart when he tosses his keychains in the bowl with Al-Haitham’s keys in it by the entrance, all so confusing when he melts in the comfort of their house.
…Who is Kaveh kidding? Not a house, but the home he has longed so long for.
Selfish. He’s so selfish.
He sits beside Al-Haitham on the divan, placing several bags filled with different variety of coffee beans on the table before plopping himself on Al-Haitham’s lap, exhausted. Al-Haitham lets go of the book he was reading, setting it down beside him as his eyes rest on Kaveh’s face.
‘’Haitham,’’ Kaveh starts, ‘’what does it mean to belong, when you don’t deserve it?’’
‘’Your question is not well thought out.’’
‘’And what do you mean by that? Did you call me—’’
Al-Haitham sighs, hand coming to rest on Kaveh’s head, ‘’The last person I would call stupid, Kaveh, is you.’’
Kaveh is stunned into silence.
‘’Though, I must say i question myself about this topic quite often because–’’
Kaveh gasps, making a move to get up, ‘’You..!’’
Kaveh isn’t able to get too far, when he sits up, a hand holds his wrist, it’s gentle, Kaveh can escape his hold if he wants to.
He doesn’t. He doesn’t. And it hits him. After all, he trusts Al-Haitham, his heart and mind are bare and so very vulnerable, open like a book for Al-Haitham to read, to figure him out. And he lets it happen, knowing the pain it might bring again. Knowing he won’t be able to take it a second time if they break apart again.
He’s attached.
Kaveh’s eyes burn with unshed tears.
Al-Haitham pulls Kaveh’s hand and rests his palm on his warm chest, on his steadily beating heart. ‘’To belong, senior; means being safe, means being in the comfort and peace that you crave, being accepted and understood in many ways, that I know you crave, I know you, Kaveh. I know my best friend like you know me. And I know that you, Kaveh, deserve to belong, you deserve to feel the warmth it will bring, you deserve the reassurance, just like anyone else, so please…’’ Al-Haitham leans close to Kaveh, and Kaveh feels Al-Haitham’s breathing on skin, and feels the way Al-Haitham’s heart quickens in his chest.
‘’Don’t deny yourself to belong,’’ Al-Haitham says, his voice quiet as a whisper when he presses the palm of Kaveh’s hand with just a little more pressure against his heart. And then he pulls away. ‘’You are worthy of it, Kaveh.’’
‘’It was never your fault.’’
Kaveh’s tears flow, but he isn’t alone in a cold, silent house anymore with no one or nothing to call his home. This time, he feels warm. Even though he’s overwhelmed with feelings he doesn’t know how to show, describe, he knows his Haitham will be there with him, like he always has been, ever since he took Kaveh into his house, ever since his house turned into a place where they both started calling home unconsciously.
Kaveh knows it isn’t just the building that makes up their home. He knows that he belongs to Haitham, as much as Haitham belongs to him.
This time, Kaveh doesn’t think of himself as selfish when he lets himself melt onto Haitham when he wraps his arms around him. Kaveh rests his head in the crook of Haitham’s neck, filling his lungs with the faint coffee scent. He doesn’t want to separate from him, not again, please never again.
Haitham caresses Kaveh’s hair, not saying a word as he lets Kaveh sob his pain and worries away, he keeps holding him, keeps holding him steadily, he always has. Kaveh hopes he never stops. He doesn’t know long they stay like that, tangled in each other’s arms safely before Haitham lifts Kaveh’s head, kisses his tears away as he murmurs silent ‘’i love you’’’ s. Even though his tears keep falling, Haitham never stops, peppering his salty cheeks with kisses, and at last, his lips find his, too. He kisses Kaveh’s dry lips over and over, till they are out of breath, till Kaveh smiles again, chuckling as Haitham attacks his lips, but Kaveh never gets enough of Haitham, he doesn’t think he ever will.
Haitham chuckles, ‘’you look like a mess.’’
Kaveh answers by lightly punching him in the shoulder, which only makes Haitham chuckle more, burying his nose in Kaveh’s messy locks.
‘’Haitham?’’ Kaveh calls, smiling. ‘’I’m finally home.’’
Haitham hugs him tighter, holds him closer. ‘’Welcome home, love.’’