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Soap felt numb to but it in simple terms. It wasn’t anger, or sadness. It was a hollow feeling. He felt like an empty bucket with nothing in it, nothing at all. Or more like the sadness, and anger had turned into a hollow bucket. Maybe it wasn’t just numbness he felt but maybe it was a mixture of all the things going on in his head combining to make one big horrible feeling. All the thoughts, tears, and pain all pouring out of the bucket just to leave room for a horrible numbing feeling that he could do nothing with. That feeling swallowed him whole, it felt like a dark cover was on his entire body but the difference between a cover and numbness was you could get out of the cover. He wanted to scream, cry do anything other than lie on the floor of the bathtub with the water hitting him. Actually maybe he wouldn’t want to do anything else the burning from the water was a welcoming burden. You might think that burden sucked but it didn’t that hot water that hit his skin almost giving him burns gave him some sort of structure. But he needed more that feeling of something, that something being pain. Pain made him feel alive. Pain helped the hollow bucket so it could be filled with something. Pain has never felt so good. To soap that pain was almost the happiness that he needed. He told himself he wouldn’t go back to it. But with ghost gone on a mission was anyone really gonna care. Here without him there was no one to comfort him. Nobody here to listen to his problems, his stupid fucking problems that only ghost understood. His body felt heavy he didn’t know how long he was in the bathtub floor before sitting up legs flat in front of him butt flat on the floor. The razor looked inviting the sliver was shining from the water hitting it. He literally couldn’t stand the numbness anymore. He grabbed it holding it in his palm tracing it with his fingers like a crazy person. He wondered to himself of actual crazy people felt numb. He held it to his thigh before tracing it onto his skin. The relief he felt was like no other that searing pain felt glorious. 1 2 3 he kept going mind going. His mind went blank his eyes going unfocused. As red started pouring out he almost smiled its metallic sent all to familiar. He let it linger for a minute before intense guilt hit him straight in the gut. “FUCK FUCK” his mind screamed but in the mix of it all he finally felt something other than nothing. He doesn’t know how long he sat there, but when the water ran clear he decided it was time to get out. His body felt so weak as he stood up wrapping a towel around himself. His poor thigh burned as it rubbed against the towel. He felt almost amazing as he started to cry. The numbness now gone replaced with the need to breakdown and scream. He was still wet as he went into ghost and his bedroom and plopped on the bed. He cringed as his wet hair hit the pillow. He curled up into a ball, a wet ball. The tears started coming hard with no chance of stopping. His cheeks were hot, dripping with tears. He didn’t realize he was screaming until he felt the tears going into his mouth. He grabbed the pillow screaming into it take all of his energy with it. His wet body that was burning hot was now cold he started to shiver. He wanted to be comforted so bad. He wanted ghost…no he wanted Simon, Simon would understand. He cries harder for a couple of minutes before they just stopped completely. He couldn’t cry anymore he was to tired. At this point all of the guilt was now gone the numbness was back. He starred at the wall. The bucket that he desperately filled was now empty again.
Ghost walked in to there shared room. He was tired so tired the mission was exhausting. But all the exhaustion left his body when he saw soap in a fetal position on their bed. He took in the sight for a moment soap wasn’t doing anything he was just starring at the wall he knew it was bad. Soap sometimes had bad days like this he couldn’t do anything until ghost was back. He slowly walked over to the bed resting his hand on his lovers shoulder “Johnny I’m back love” he said to him in a soothing voice. He saw soap look over before instantly bursting into tears. He quickly took his gear off it hit the floor with a thud. He then got into to bed with soap letting him grab onto him. “Johnny baby what’s wrong?” His words came out soft not wanting to disturb the man anymore. He started petting his hair this when he realized he was wet and in towel completely naked. “I’m sorry I’m wet” soaps words came out as a whisper. “Hey hey it’s alright love. Let’s get you in some warm clothes alright.” He took soaps hand and led him to their dresser pulling out boxers and a sweatshirt. “Johnny honey I don’t care if you’re naked you can take the towel off-“ he stopped mid sentence when he saw the cuts peaking through. “Here drop the towel” he waited then instructed soap to put his feet in the holes of the boxers so he could dress him. He finished dressing him making him follow him back to the bed. “Johnny I need you to talk to me. What caused you to relapse?” He held soaps hand tightly as a way of saying he was here for him. “Think about it while I go get bandages” he saw soaps eyes fall as he walked to the bathroom quickly to get a first aid kit. Ghost was almost on his way back to the bed when soap started speaking “ I- I missed you. Everything was too much Simon. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I needed it.” He kept going before ghost brought him into a hug. “Sh it’s ok baby let’s get you cleaned up then we can talk alright.” Ghost quickly bandaged his thigh up whispering sweet nothings to him as he finished up. “Sorry Lt guess I should cut it out.” Soap had a smirk on his face before ghost said his name in a warning. Ghost crawled into bed opening his arms before soap climbed into them. He started putting his hands under his sweatshirt not in a sexual way just to let him know he was there. He then kissed his head then his forehead making sure he was taken care of. He felt heavy breathing against his neck and realized soap was sleeping. He held him tight as he started to close his eyes.