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The first time Nick brings it up, Charlie shuts him down immediately. Nick accepts the no without a second thought. Charlie said no and that’s that. Perhaps, Nick thinks, Charlie is just a bit nervous. Maybe he’s not quite ready yet. Nick kisses an okay onto Charlie’s forehead and pushes the thought from his head.
It’s not until months later that Nick starts to think there might be more to it. They’re on Nicks bed, making out instead of paying attention to the film playing on his laptop. Charlie climbs onto Nick’s lap and starts kissing a path along his neck, stopping to pay particular attention to where his neck and shoulder meet, and Nick is losing his mind. His hands, which have been clinging to Charlie’s waist for dear life, start to move – he needs Charlie closer, needs to have nothing between them but their breath, needs more. He brings one hand to tug lightly on the hair at the nape of Charlies neck which causes Charlies to let out a soft moan that Nick now wants to hear every second until he dies. Losing himself in Charlie’s mouth, he starts to move his other hand downwards, towards Charlie’s back pocket. He gets to the waistband of Charlies jeans and then Charlie is gone.
Nick blinks his eyes open to find Charlie on the opposite side of the bed very clearly panicking. Now he’s worried. No, he’s scared, because somewhere here he has made a mistake and now Charlie is suffering and Nick has no idea how to make it better, or if he even can.
“Did I hurt you? Are you okay? Fuck. Fuck, I’m so sorry Charlie.” Charlie is looking at him now, eyes glassy with the beginnings of tears, looking so scared and Nicks can feel his heart breaking into pieces. He’s afraid of me he thinks and it’s enough to make bile climb up his throat. “What can I do? I’m sorry. Please talk to me and let me fix it.”
Charlie begins to shake his head, looking even more panicked in the face of Nick’s stress.
“No, Nick, it wasn’t you. You didn’t do anything. Its me. I’m“ His voice breaks, choking on a sob. “I’m broken. I’m sorry. I thought I could get past it, that if I just waited long enough I could do it. I want to be able to do it for you, for me but I can’t. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s okay if you want to leave me I understa-“
“Charlie wha-? Leave you? I don’t understand, how could you possibly be broken?” Nick needs Charlie to breathe, cannot bare watching him like this any longer. “Whatever it is it’s fine, we’re fine, I just want to you to be okay, you’re scaring me.”
Now, Charlie is properly crying, big violent sobs that shake his frame. He pulls at his curls, distressed. “I don’t think I ever want to have sex.”
Oh. Nicks beginning to understand what’s just happened. He looks at Charlie’s tear-streaked face and knows he needs to get this right, has to say the right thing. He needs Charlie to know that he doesn’t care. Or, he does care but not about what Charlie seems to think he will. Nick doesn’t care about getting off or having sex, not really. He does however, care about Charlie.
“Oh Char. It’s okay. You don’t have to, it’s fine.” He stops, suddenly the distance between them is way too big, he needs to hold his boyfriend, comfort him. “Can I touch you? Just a hug? I don’t want you to cry alone anymore.”
Charlie nods and shuffles towards him until Nick can wrap him in his arms and borrow his head into his neck. Nick holds him tight whilst he cries, rubbing his back and whispering reassurances, hopes if he just holds him close enough it’ll show Charlie how much he loves him. Nick has never felt so useless. Eventually, Charlie runs out of tears and pulls his head back to look his boyfriend in the eyes, managing a small smile. “I’m okay now. You don’t have to do this; you don’t Have to stay with me. I know I’ve ruined everything.”
“Charlie, you’ve not ruined anything. I love you. And I’m not leaving. But I want to understand. Have I done something, or is this always been how you’ve felt?” Charlie sags against him as soon as he hears that Nick isn’t going anywhere, and that breaks Nicks heart even more, that he really thought Nick would abandon him over this. He aches at the thought of how heavy this must have been for Charlie to carry alone.
There’s a moment of silence whilst Charlie chooses his words. Nick pulls him tighter to his chest, trying to make this as comfortable for Charlie as possible. When Charlie does speak, it’s not exactly what Nick is expecting.
“Did you ever watch Glee?”
“Uh, yeah. Mum and I watched it together a while ago. Why?”
Charlie takes a deep breath, psyching himself up before answering. “The first time I thought about sex. I mean really thought about it, was after Isaac and I watched the episode where Kurt and Blaine have sex for the first time.” Nicks not sure where Charlies going but he needs him to know he’s listening intently.
“Yeah, I remember. They have a fight about it don’t they? Because Kurt wants it to be romantic and Blaine doesn’t mind as much or something? I remember thinking their first time when it happened was really beautiful.”
“It is beautiful. I related so much to what Kurt was saying y’know? I also craved romance. I wanted the brush of pinkies under the table, hair tucked gently behind my ear, someone cradling my face like I’m something special. Then, as I watched the end, I just felt this ache. Because Kurt still wanted the sex, and I had this thought that maybe I didn’t. But all anyone talks about is sex and how amazing it is, so I convinced myself I was just too young, that I was a late bloomer and I’d get there soon, and I tried to forget about it.” Nick keeps rubbing Charlie’s back, encouraging. “It changed something in me though, suddenly it was like all could think about it. My friends started exploring themselves, figuring out what they liked or wanted, and they’d tell me about it, and I just felt so confused. I’d go home and tear the conversations apart trying to find anything to relate to. I’d look at all the celebrities they were dreaming of and try and convince myself I felt any arousal looking at them. I’d go on twitter and look at porn and try so hard to feel anything, but I didn’t. I didn’t feel anything Nick and it was terrifying.”
Charlie has started shaking now, getting worked up again. Nick feels awful. He doesn’t have a clue what to say, he doesn’t want to invalidate his boyfriend and tell him it’s okay because it’s clearly not okay to Charlie. In fact, he’s getting the impression that Charlie truly believes there’s something wrong with him and that, that won’t do.
“I know babe, I know it was scary, but it’s okay.” He knows this is nowhere near an adequate response, but Nick is lost on how to help right now, and he really doesn’t want to make it worse.
“It’s not okay Nick, because it never went away. I kept waiting to have this moment where I saw someone on the street or read something and finally felt that need that everyone keeps talking about. It was hard enough knowing I was gay, that I was different in that regard, so I couldn’t also be broken. Everyone wants to have sex, Nick, I needed to want it too or else no one was ever going to want to be with me. But the moment never came. And then I met you, and all I wanted to do was look at you. You’re beautiful.” Nick, despite the situation, blushes. He’s never been called beautiful before, and something about hearing it from Charlie makes him feel warm all over. “So when things with us began, I told myself that if I thought you were so pretty, and I wanted to hold your hand and kiss you and be with you all the time, then I must be attracted to you right? You’re my boyfriend so I obviously wanted to have sex with you, that’s just how it is. I love kissing you, I like when we make out and you’re surrounding me; it makes me feel safe. But the more I thought about going any further the more I realised there was no desire there, I couldn’t do it. I can’t do it. What kind of boyfriend am I that I don’t even want to sleep with the boy I love?”
Nick couldn’t listen to Charlie talking about himself like this any longer. It was killing him. Worse, he could feel Charlie trying to pull away from him, as if bracing for rejection. Nick looked at his boyfriend, Charlies eyes were puffy and red and he looked so utterly defeated, and Nick loved him. Loved him for his bravery, for being honest even when he thought he’d lose Nick. Loved him so fiercely that it felt like it was going to burst out of him and drown them both. Softly, he reaches out and tilts Charlie’s face towards his own, needs to look Charlie in the eyes for this;
“A perfectly normal one. Char, there is nothing wrong with you. Nothing, you hear me? You’re not broken, not even a little bit, you’re perfect and you’re mine and I love you.”
“But” Charlie starts to object.
“But nothing. Charlie, have you ever heard of asexuality?”
“What?”
“Asexuality. When I was having my proper gay crisis, I seen it on some of the websites I was looking on. It’s when someone doesn’t feel sexual attraction. I think that could be you, maybe” Nick needs Charlie to understand that hes not less than because of this part of him “And there’s loads of people who are Ace, like, its completely normal.”
“You mean, it’s like a thing? It’s not just me?” Nick watches as a flicker of hope appears in Charlies eyes and lets himself breathe again.
“Yeah, totally! I was just reading the other day that Tim Gunn, the guy from that fashion show Elle watches, is Ace. It doesn’t make you less than, Charlie, I promise. And it doesn’t change how I feel about you; I don’t care if we never have sex, or if you literally never touch me again, I just want to be with you. I love you.”
“B-but you’re not asexual Nick, I can’t make you give that up for me.”
“You’re right I’m not, but I’ve coped fine without sex this long, I don’t need it to be happy. I can get myself off if I need to. I want to be with you Charlie, for as long as possible, and not having sex with you doesn’t change that. I love you because you’re kind, because you always know what to say to make my day better, because you love the people in your life with every part of you. I love you for the way you stick your tongue out when you’re concentrating, for the little circles you rub into my hand when you hold it, for the books you’ve given me that I’ve fallen in love with. I love you for watching marvel movies with me even though I know you don’t care about them. I love you because I know you, and this doesn’t change that. Actually it does, it makes me love you more because I know how hard this as to share with me, and you did it anyway because you care about me too much to lie to me.”
By the time Nick is finished, he's out of breath and he can feel tears building up behind his eyes. He looks at Charlie and finds the boy silently crying, but before he can say anything about it, Charlie has his arms around him and is hugging Nick so tightly he can barely breathe.
“I love you, Nick Nelson. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner.”
“I love you too Charlie Spring.”
“And you promise we’re okay?”
“Promise, although I think we might need to chat about boundaries soon, I can’t bear thinking you’ve been uncomfortable in anything we’ve done. No more pushing yourself to do things you don’t want to, okay?” Nick presses his lips to the little curls around Charlie’s temples, kissing promises into the skin there. “But I think today’s been heavy enough yeah? Let’s put the film back to the start and just lie down – you deserve a rest love.”
And if Nick spends Charlies following nap reviewing articles and resources about asexuality before sending them to Charlie to read when he's ready, who’s really surprised.